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Jesse has never felt so empty in her entire life. There was a strange numbness that seemed to encase her entire being. So many questions, so many ‘ifs’ crowded her mind. She wondered if anything was real, and if she maybe was in some strange dream, where she couldn’t wake up.
She couldn’t bear look at what was left of Reuben, she put it delicately in her personal chest, closing the lid and swearing to never look at it again. Then she just seated herself on the windowsill of her treehouse, gazing out there to the unchanging world.
It was strange.
Everything else seemed the same, though. Trees rustled in the wind, clouds moved across the sky, the sun rose and it set, so did the moon. Everything was the same.
Maybe if she closed eyes hard enough, maybe things really would be the same.
Jesse just had to close her eyes hard enough.
But no matter how hard she closed her eyes, the tears still leaked out. It had become such a blur, Jesse wasn't even sure when she started crying, when she stopped, when she slept, or when she was awake. Or when anything happened, really. There was a part of her deep inside that told her to find her strength, to keep going. It's what Reuben would have wanted, but she couldn't. It was like she was this sameness limbo, doomed to repeat her actions over and over again.
It felt like she was dreaming. Maybe if she believed hard enough, she was.
And then Reuben would be by her side once again.
-~*~-
“Has Jesse...come out at all?” Lukas asked the group who were all mulling at the foot of the treehouse.
Olivia had a saddened look on her face, shaking her head. “No. I don’t think she’s even moved. She hasn’t touched lunch. Or dinner yesterday.”
“All she does is stare out the window," added Axel. “We tried talking to her, but...It’s almost like she’s turned into statue. It’s sort of... creepy.” Olivia glared at him and Axel looked away nervously, fiddling his fingers. Creepy wasn't the right word, but it was hard to watch.
“Reuben was her best friend. He had been with her even before she met us." Olivia put down the tools she had been fiddling with. “I can’t imagine how much hurt she must be feeling. I think she just needs more time.”
Petra suddenly stabbed her sword into the table in front of them, startling the others. She looked hard at the other three and then up at the treehouse, where their friend was. "If we leave Jesse like that any longer, she might as well be dead." The 'too' went unspoken.
Harsh words, but Jesse was losing herself up there. She could get lost in her grief and never come back. The three stared at Petra, shocked by her sudden outburst, but they didn't say anything to object. They knew she was right, they couldn't let Jesse stay trapped in that treehouse for the rest of her life.
"Petra..." Lukas started. "I know we all want Jesse to feel better. But we should be careful about this. Reuben was important to her, we have to be sensitive."
He was right, of course, but Petra knew it wasn't that simple. "And Jesse's important to me." Lukas continued to give her a look and she finally relented. "I'll wait 'til sundown. If she skips dinner again, then I'll go talk to her. Happy?" The warrior crossed her arms.
Lukas didn't look like he fully agreed, but he nodded. Axel nodded along, unsure what else to do while Olivia just looked between them nervously. They weren't really happy with it all, but none of them challenged her. Petra was just glad they were allowing her a moment to talk to Jesse, at least.
There wasn't enough apologies in the world that anyone could give that would soothe Jesse's broken heart. Her beloved friend and companion, Reuben, was gone. She had watched him die and blamed herself for her death. Petra had been quite shocked by the death too and felt saddened too. She remembered the little guy being by her side when she had been afflicted by the Wither Sickness. He was a good friend, one of the best anyone could ever ask for. She couldn't imagine how much this was hurting Jesse.
As the day ticked on, Petra started getting nervous. She wasn't really...good with the whole emotional thing. But Petra was willing to give it a try, for Jesse. She had risked her own life to save her, to save the whole world. Petra wouldn't let her lose herself too.
Eventually, nightfall came, but as expected, Jessie didn't come down. Lukas had waited with her and had given her a small nod before walking away, off to do whatever he did. Olivia and Axel had turned in for the night, meaning she was left alone to talk with Jesse, which was how she preferred it. She wasn't really a people person either. As she climbed the ladder, Petra started to second guess herself. Was she really the best person to talk to Jesse about this? Maybe Lukas would have a better chance?
Too late to stop now, she was already pushing the hatch open.
When she climbed into the room, she was overwhelmed by an atmosphere of grief and sadness. It was dark, the room was illuminated only by a single torch.
It was just so...quiet up there.
Afraid to break the silence, Petra carefully closed the door and looked around for her friend. She finally spotted her sitting by the window, leaning her head against the panes as she listlessly stared out. She spotted a dinner that has long since gone cold. Judging by how uneaten it was, Jesse had skipped dinner again. She frowned as she approached. It was scary to see how frail and weak Jesse had become. Dark circles under her eyes and looking like she lost a lot of weight. Just a few days ago, she stood strong and proud, leading their small team against the monstrous Witherstorm. She looked so broken, alone up here. It hurt Petra to realize that she had been sitting up here this whole time on her own. They had been giving her some space, but maybe this wasn't the right course of action.
It just felt so lonely. And Petra really felt that.
"Jesse?" Petra called out, her own voice sounding foreign to her ears.
Jesse didn't make any movement or reaction that he heard her.
“...Jesse.” Petra said softly, trying to see if her friend would respond, but Jesse made no movement to acknowledge her.
Unsure what else to do, Petra pulled up a chair and sat across from her, watching her intently. She had come here to talk things out, but now that she was actually here, she didn't know what to say. Petra wracked her brain for some words of encouragement, some comfort, anything, but she was drawing a blank. Maybe Lukas should have come up here after all. But at least...Jesse wasn't alone anymore. Petra was here now, and she wasn't going to leave her alone anymore.
So the two just sat in silence.
She couldn't really tell if this was helping Jesse or not, but after a moment, she finally turned her head to look at her, slightly surprised to see Petra there. The warrior offered her an awkward, but sincere smile, unsure if she should say anything. Jesse's eyes darted around for a moment, before she spoke. She finally spoke.
"Rueben's really gone..." she said, tears welling up in her eyes again.
Petra felt her heart pang in sympathy. "Yeah, but he's a hero. And no one will ever forget that," she replied confidently. She heard that the townspeople were thinking of erecting a statue in his honor or something. Jesse would like that, she hoped.
"I can't believe this is really happening." Her voice was tight with grief. "I keep thinking he's just around the corner, that he's coming back, but then I remember he's-" she cut herself off, hugging herself.
"I'm...sorry this happened Jesse. I really am." Petra wished she could come up with some magic words to heal her pain, but there was no such magic like that.
"Why couldn't it have been me?" Jesse continued, her voice growing more distraught. Petra looked at her, shocked by what she said. "If I had held on a little tighter, if I had thrown Reuben out when he jumped in..." Jesse turned to look at her, her eyes searing into Petra's. "Maybe if I had died...he would still be alive."
Jesse had always been quick to blame herself for bad things that happened. When Ellegaard died, when the bomb failed to kill the Witherstorm, what happened to her and Gabriel. Jesse didn't know much about Jesse's past to know why she had this tendency to self-blame. Maybe there was some history there or maybe it was just the pressure of being the hero of all heroes. Petra admired her sense of responsibility, but that same sense was wrapping her up in this unshakable grief.
Petra was quiet for a moment, until she finally had the words to respond. "Y'know, I'm not really good at these...feeling-things," Petra admitted. "But I know that sometimes, things happen. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. It's just how life is."
Jesse was silent as she listened.
"I'm really sorry this happened, but..." Petra paused, flexing her hand before reaching out to touch Jesse's shoulder. "I'm glad you survived, Jesse. And I'm sure Reuben is glad you did too."
Her friend stared at her in shock, tears stilling for a moment before her face scrunched up in grief. A smile crept into her face as the sobbing seemed to intensify. "He was just in so much pain, but-" she choked a little. "I saw him smile- he was happy...He was happy to see that I was-" Jesse's lips trembled. "I...I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss him so much."
Petra rubbed her friend's shoulder as Jesse finally broke down from the weight of realization. She let Jesse cry it out, offering her pats and smiles when she needed, but Petra was happy that Jesse was allowing herself to feel again.
Jesse's crying continued into the night, it seemed. At one point, Petra scooched closer to sling an arm over Jesse's shoulder to bring her close. Petra had honestly never been around this much crying before, it was a little awkward, but Jesse seemed to really appreciate her presence. Her friend buried her face in Petra's shoulder and she just did her best to comfort her grieving friend as much she could. Petra wondered if she was filling in for Reuben right now. She hoped that she could live up to his standards. The air seemed to grow lighter with each sob, like someone had poked a whole and the heaviness was finally dissipating.
They had fallen asleep sometime during the night. Petra really wasn't sure when, but she felt Jesse's head leaning on her shoulder as they dozed off. Petra didn't really remember what she was dreaming about, but somewhere in the distance, she heard Jesse's laugh and the snorts of a pig. One final reunion, it seems.
Petra woke up horribly stiff and drool leaking out of her lips. She yawned and stretched, trying to get that awful kink out of her neck. To her surprise, she found a blanket had been draped over her. She looked down in confusion when she realized that Jesse was no longer beside her.
She jolted out of her seat. "Jesse?" she called out.
Then she heard the sound of eating and she turned to see Jesse was munching on the cold dinner from yesterday. Petra was bewildered by the sight, but she was also relieved. She was eating!
"Morning, Petra," Jesse greeted her, between little conservative bites. She still looked exhausted and sad, but she looked a lot less broken. "Sorry, I was a little hungry. I didn't leave anything for you."
"Don't worry about it," Petra assured her. "I'm sure I can wrangle up something to eat later." She realized the plate was empty and Jesse still looked hungry. "If you're still hungry, you can come with me..." Petra gestured vaguely to the trap door. "...Outside."
Jesse stilled for a moment, looking out the window. A sad smile came onto her face. "Yeah. That sounds...good."
-~*~-
Every day, Jesse regained the color and strength she lost. Each moment, she was building herself back up from where she fell apart. It was obvious that Jesse was still grieving over the loss and Petra doubted that she would truly ever recover from it, but she was glad to see that Jesse was doing so much better. As she suspected, Jesse was extremely touched by the gesture and had the biggest smile on her face, even as tears ran down her face.
At the end of the week, she gave a speech about their adventures. She spoke about each one of them, about Reuben, their sacrifices and his ultimate one. It had been difficult for Jesse to get through, but probably as cathartic as Petra felt it was to her.
Petra was waiting for her nearby as the townspeople dispersed, meeting Jesse's eyes as she approached her. She offered her a smile, something Jesse returned.
"Hey, Petra," Jesse greeted.
"Hey," she responded. "Nice speech."
Jesse chuckled a little. "You think so?"
Petra shrugged. "Not really a wordy person, but it sounded good." She paused. "I think Reuben would have liked it."
The mention of her lost companion made Jesse's expression fall and Petra wondered if she had said the wrong thing. But Jesse smiled a moment later. "I hope so," she finally said. Jesse then looked at Petra with soft, sincere eyes, so intense that Petra almost wanted to look away. "Thanks, Petra. For everything."
She blushed a little. "Don't...mention it." She did look away after all.
A small silence followed.
"So," Jesse continued. "What are you up to now?"
“Not much. Just waiting around I guess.” admitted Petra.
“Going back to doing your own thing again?” asked Jesse, coming to lean against the fence next to her.
She hadn't really thought about what she wanted to do after this. Some gigs had popped up, but she didn't really feel like doing them right now. Back then, doing odd jobs for the thrill of adventure of loot had been so much fun, but now...after all they've been through. That all seemed so...lame. The quest she went one with Jesse, the bonds she made with her and others...it was fun. Sure, she had been sick for a majority of the time and people died, but she still exhilarating in a weird way. Why was she such a thrill seeker?
"Think I might stick around for a while," Petra decided. "If you...decide you wanna get out and stuff, maybe I can..." Suddenly she felt, really shy. And she didn't know why.
Jesse didn't say anything at first and Petra wondered if she had overstepped, but after a moment she laughed. "You're a great friend, Petra," she told her, her eyes staring into hers again. "I'd love to have you around."
Petra felt herself grow red. What's with all these fluffy feelings? "Yeah, thanks. I'll, uh, stay," she said, totally not awkwardly at all.
Her friend suddenly grinned. "I always knew you were a big softie underneath."
If Petra wasn’t already embarrassed before, she definitely was now. Her face flushed and she turned to Jesse in earnest. “I’m not. No, definitely not.”
"I'll prove it one day," Jesse said smugly, standing up. "C'mon, let's get something to eat."
As Petra got up to follow her, Petra realized how...comfortable this was. It finally felt like she had a place to belong. She had wandered all over the place before, never staying in once palce for long. But this...she could get used to this. Maybe she belonged by Jesse's side.
She kinda wanted it to last forever.