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“Where’s that dimwit Dazai?” Kunikida huffed, tapping his foot angrily. “He’s been missing all morning.”
“Hmm? Oh! Mr. Fancy Hat got him.” Ranpo said, causally popping another candy into his mouth.
“What!? The Port Mafia kidnapped Dazai?! Ranpo why didn’t you say something sooner?” Atsushi panicked.
Ranpo shrugged, “assumed it was another one of his plans or something. I can tell you where he is if you want.”
Atsushi let out a breathy “please,” and grabbed a notebook to jot down the location.
Armed with the location of the Port Mafia safe house where Dazai was being held and the companionship of an a seemingly indifferent Kyoka, Atsushi made his leave. He had tried to get Kunikida to come with them, mostly out of fear of the gravity user, but he “refused to get involved in another one of the idiots suicidal plans” and assured him that with Dazai there they’d be fine since Nakahara wouldn’t be able to use his ability anyway.
When Chuuya woke to two harsh bangs on the front door, needless to say he was fucking pissed. He rolled over to see the other said of the bed empty and groaned. Of course Dazai would pull some shit like this to wake him up. He really did have a death wish.
When he stomped to the door, Chuuya broke the number one rule of staying at a safe house. Always check the peephole before you open the door. No instead, in a tired hungover rage, he slammed the door open ready to punch Dazai’s stupid smirk off his face.
Of course it was not Dazai at the door, no it was his dumbass coworkers. Kyoka, who he instantly recognized from her Mafia days, looking a little shocked, probably that he opened the door at all considering he definitely was not supposed to, and the were-tiger Dazai took in, looking terrified.
“Give us Dazai,” Kyoka threatened, regaining any lost composure and having Demon Snow press her blade to his throat.
That was a lot of Chuuya to unpack. Not only that they somehow managed to figure out that yes, Dazai was supposed to be here, but he happened to also be wondering where Dazai was. He could ask questions later though.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chuuya said, “he’s not here.”
He activated his ability and pushed back Demon Snow’s blade more as a threat than actual preparation for a fight. Sure, he’d fight back if he had to, he had an image to maintain after all, but Dazai would kill him if he started a fight and killed his new subordinates.
Atsushi had composed himself too and had shifted into a fighting stance. He opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off by the sound of footsteps and a familiar voice.
A set of bandaged arms wrapped around Chuuya and a head with closed eyes rested on him with a small peck to the back of his head.
“Chuuya~ why are you using your ability this early instead of coming back to bed with me, you’re so mean.” The choked noise the man under him made got the taller’s attention and he opened his eyes.
In front of him stood a very red and confused Atsushi and Kyoka.
“Oh,” Dazai said, popping the ‘o.’
“Yeah, ‘oh,’ Mackerel. Why the fuck are your coworkers here?”
Dazai dramatically leaned back and put his hand on his head, pretending to swoon, “they’re obviously my knights in shining armor, here to save me from my cruel kidnapper of a hat rack.”
“God you’re the fucking worst at this, why the hell did I expect you to be able to keep this secret?”
“‘Cause you love me~” Dazai teased.
“You’re lucky I have the worst taste in men.”
Dazai was about to retort when they were interrupted by Atsushi nervously clearing his throat. Both of them turned away from each other to look at him.
“I— uh, are we interrupting something? Ranpo, he, um, said you were kidnapped...?” Atsushi said stumbling through the words.
“Oi! What the fuck happened to keeping it a secret? He knows too?” Chuuya growled at Dazai, as if Atsushi had suddenly disappeared.
Chuckling Dazai put both his hands up, “Hey, in my defense 1. I’m sorry to inform you but the only real danger is from the Mafia and outsiders finding out, not the ADA and 2. It’s not my fault you can’t hide anything from Ranpo anyway. Plus I did have him promise to keep it a secret... but I did steal some of his candy.” Dazai muttered the last bit.
“What? Speak up.” Chuuya complained.
“I made or may not have stole some of his candy from his stash.”
“So it is your fault!”
“Calm down, its not like anyone here cares, I mean look at them,” Dazai gestures over to Atsushi and Kyoka before wrapping his arm back around Chuuya, “they’re more embarrassed than anything, the only one who’d be mad is Kunikida and he’s not h—“
Dazai was interrupted by a chipper call of “there they are!”
Everyone turned to see a familiar black-haired detective guiding a furious Kunikida towards them.
“What the hell is taking you two so long?! You’re over an hour off schedule—“ Kunikida paused as Ranpo started chuckling, “...can someone explain to me why exactly Dazai is clinging to a Mafia executive?”
Dazai smoothly removed his arms and fake gasped, “You haven’t heard? It’s a new battle technique, you—“
“I have a much simpler explanation!” Ranpo exclaimed. “They’ve been fucking!”
“What? Dazai. I should not have to remind you that this man is our enemy, it is absolutely not appropriate for you be sleeping with him!”
“Yeah!” Ranpo chimed in, sticking out his tongue at Dazai.
“Not to be rude but even I’ll admit it’s a bit of a conflict of interest...” Atsushi mubbled.
“Okay, neither of you have room to talk about this.” Dazai complained.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ranpo lied, turning to face away from the group.
“Y-yeah.” Atsushi stuttered, failing at his attempt to sound confident as he agreed with the shorter male.
Dramatically Dazai draped himself over Chuuya, “Chuuya~ don’t see how mean my coworkers are! Lying to me and blaming me when they’ve both been dating guild members. What a sad life I lead.” He sighed as he continued to nearly topple over the shorter male.
“What!” Kunikida yelled looking frantically between the group.
Ranpo and Atsushi both froze and slowly turned to each other, while poor Kyoka looks around the group in pure confusion at the scene unfolding around her.
“I don’t know why either of you look surprised. I mean Lucy always makes sure to be the one to serve the agency table when our resident were-tiger comes in. And Ranpo, you know I stole your candy so of course I saw the little heart shaped American ones in your stash.”
Kunikida sighed, “it appears I’m going to have to have a word with the president about these everyone here, except Kyoka.”
“Yeah, yeah, okay are you guys done? I’m tired, and borrowing Dazai from the agency for the rest of today, sorry.” Though Chuuya phrased his words as a question, it was more of a demand as he grabbed Dazai by the arm and started to drag him back upstairs, slamming the door behind them.
Not even Kunikida bothered protesting, as the rest of the agency members began to walk back to the office. He did however give Atsushi and Ranpo a very long lecture during the trip.