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"So," Pepper takes a breath, and leans back against the kitchen counter. "What exactly am I supposed to be doing again?"
"Ok, so I need you to force Mr. Stark into a movie night, and sit on the couch with him and be all gross like you guys normally ar- wait, actually, please tone the gross down because then I'll have to go vomit in the bathroom before I can do the prank, and that's unacceptable. There can be absolutely no distractions. This is serious." Peter whispers the last part conspiratorially and shifts his eyes over to look at Tony. Tony is reading something particularly enrapturing at the kitchen table, completely oblivious to the utter nonsense currently being planned.
"Ok," Pepper chuckles fondly, before lowering her voice even more. "So I get him on the couch, and then what?"
"Just turn on a movie or something, and get him really relaxed, like almost asleep but not really because I need you to send him off to bed like half-awake."
"Peter. Tony doesn't sleep. He's only ever sleepy when he's stressed because you almost got yourself killed."
"Ok, slight change of plans, I see certain personal safety sacrifices will have to be made to-"
"Absolutely not." Pepper interrupts; her brow quirked in a way that invites a challenge only if Peter wants to die tonight.
"Ok, guess not then. But anyway back to the plan; and if you could stop distracting me that would be great." Peter jokes and watches the smile that stretches across the woman's face. "So you're gonna send him to bed and he's going to walk down the hallway all tired and old and that's where I come in. On the ceiling."
"The ceiling." Pepper leans forward, her expression a perfect replica of someone watching a crack-head talk to rats. "Peter. Why would you ever?"
"For the plan! So, I'll be up on the ceiling, -sticking of course, because I don't know if you know this, but I'm Spider-Man." Peters flips his wrist upwards to mimic crawling motions, scratching at the air like a person who has freshly lost their mind. "And he'll come walking down the dark hallway until FRIDAY turns on the red light that I just installed. He'll be all confused and elderly when the light turns on, and then I'll come crawling across the ceiling with my instant-kill legs out like an actual spider. It'll be like the most fun nightmare he's ever had!"
"And why are we doing this again?"
"Because Mr. Stark called me Spider-baby in front of all the Avengers, and now there's nothing left for me to do about that but sky-dive off the Space Needle. So, yeah, he deserves this."
"I love the enthusiasm, but, sweetie, he'll have a heart attack."
"No he won't! Mr. Stark's ancient, but he's not that old."
"I don't think his age will have anything to do with the aneurism this will give him." She sighs. "But, yes, against all of my better judgement, I will help you do this prank."
"Thank you!"
Peter is gone in a rush of curly brown hair and excited energy. Pepper only shakes her head fondly as she watches him trip half-way down the hallway.
"Where's the kid going?" Tony looks up from his tablet, jumping slightly upon hearing the thud from Peter's body hitting the floor. He cranes his neck to see Peter sprawled out on the floor in the hallway, before turning back to Pepper when Peter gives him a thumbs up and an unconvincing 'I'm fine, Mr. Stark'.
"Oh, I sent him to wash up before dinner. I guess he fell; it certainly wouldn't be the first time." Pepper laughs lightly. "Anyways, is take-out okay? Maybe italian?"
"God, you're amazing." Tony lets out an over-dramatic groan, throwing a graceless hand onto the table with a loud thud. He pushes his tablet away with a grimace that melts away when he glances back up at Pepper. "See, I knew there was a reason I kept you around."
"You couldn't keep me if you tried. A side-effect of your particular degree of idiocy is stockholm. You fried my brain Tony, and now I can't leave."
"Disrespect. I can not believe how absolutely disrespectful you're being, Pep." Tony lets out a huff, throwing his fiancé an absolutely scathing mock glare. "I let you into my home, I let you into my heart, and this is how you treat me? Nope, absolutely not. You're kicked out, I won't stand for it."
"Kick me out. I give you two hours before everything is on fire, and Peter is begging me to come back."
"Underoos would never do that to me."
"Yeah, well we'll see exactly what he's willing to do to you." She mutters under breath as she pulls out her phone to place the order.
"What was that?"
"Absolutely nothing! Just the sound of my stockholm."
----
The food has been eaten, Tony Stark is seated on the couch with a deceptively sweet Pepper, and Peter Parker has been occasionally glancing over at the both of them for the past 5 minutes. He watches as Pepper cuddles closer and runs a delicate hand through his mentor's hair. The soft display of affection looks entirely natural, completely genuine, and perfectly poised. Tony's eyes are drooping and Pepper only plays up the act even more by snagging a blanket and throwing it over the both of them.
Peter realizes that Pepper's efficiency and in-human degree of competence in all areas is horrifyingly impressive. Peter prematurely shits himself when he imagines how terrible his life would become if he crossed her.
Pepper sneaks a glance over at Peter, mouthing the word 'go' and subtly nodding towards the hallway. He wastes no time in hopping off the couch, and practically running all the way to the end of the long hallway into his own bedroom. He throws on the spider-suit, enthusiastically greets Karen, and selects 'stealth-mode' from the new presets Tony had coded into his suit. After all, nothing feels better to Peter's teenage-angst ridden heart then to shallowly abuse the privileges Tony's helicopter parenting provides him.
The nanotech crawls over the surface of the suit, encasing it in an opaque black. It's dark, matte- black, and perfect for hiding in the shadows. Peter smirks as he catches sight of the new version of this suit and enables the instant-kill legs. He disables any actual functionality of the legs and finds himself explaining to Karen what the phrase 'it's for the aesthetic' means.
"FRI, turn out the lights in the hallway please." Peter asks after situating himself into a suitable corner of the ceiling.
"Of course, Spider-baby." The AI replies as the lights dim until the hallway is a sea of dark black.
Peter lets out a guttural groan; well, the best he could manage while whispering to an AI in the dark. "FRIDAY, why would you do that to me? I thought you cared about me; I thought we were friends!" Peter fakes offense and turns a playful expression towards a camera within his vision.
"We are friends. You said that we're best friends."
"That's right! Now be a best friend and delete the phrase 'Spider-baby' from your memory forever."
"I'm sorry, Spider-baby. I can't." The AI replies. "Boss says it's your punishment for renaming the Baby-Monitor Protocol to Child-Predator-In-Training Protocol."
"C'mon FRIDAY, that was a joke! Just a joke!" Peter huffs a breath. "It's not even that big a deal."
"Yes it is." The AI replies cheekily. "Don't worry though, this punishment won't last forever."
"Oh, ok. How long?" Peter says, utterly confused on why Tony would be seemingly lenient on this punishment.
"It's just until Boss dies." FRIDAY says and her statement is immediately followed by an exasperated sigh from the over-grown spider on the wall. "Would you like me to turn on the red light now?"
"No, not yet. We have to wait until Mr. Stark is actually walking to his room. Thank you, though." Peter grumbles, his manners coming to the surface even despite the frustration he felt at the AI for 'betraying' him. "And please play along when Mr. Stark walks through. Please don't sell me out."
"And why shouldn't I?"
"Because we're best friends, FRIDAY!"
The AI doesn't respond, and Peter hopes that her silence is indicative of a resolute determination to not spoil this prank for him. It definitely isn't, but Peter is a self-proclaimed idiot so he chooses to believe in what he wants to.
Peter hears the soft high-frequency whine of the tv turning off, the shifting of blankets, and lazy footsteps. He whispers to FRIDAY in the dark and his lips curl into a mischievous smirk as the hallway turns red. The young spider is back lit by a soft crimson glow, and he can see Tony stop in his tracks below him.
"What..the fuck?" Tony rubs tiredly at his eyes, covering a yawn with his hand as he looks around. "FRI? Are you doing this?"
"Doing what, sir?" The AI feigns innocence, and Peter's grin stretches impossibly wider.
"The red. FRIDAY it's red. Why is it red?" Tony looks so very old and bewildered at the sea of red around him, very nearly glancing up at the ceiling before dropping his head back down.
"What do you mean, sir?"
"Everything is red. An- WHAT THE FUCK."
Peter is crawling across the ceiling, arching his back in a way that he hopes look possessed. The instant-kill legs stretch out behind him, writhing against each other like metallic parasites as he moves. Peter's head hangs down, covered in the black mask and silhouetted by the dim red light. Peter kicks up his speed even further, jerking his limbs around and making disturbing clicking noises. At this point, Peter is scrambling across the ceiling, running at absolute high velocity towards a terrified Tony who nearly looks dead. The boy skids to a stop above his mentor's head, unsticking his arms and letting his lower body hang limp. Peter can see the fear within Tony's eyes and lets the tense anxiety sit there for a moment. Peter's body is motionless, hanging above Tony, the man just within arm's reach. He extends his arms slowly, before lunging with a scream.
Tony recoils, letting out an infernal screech, as he falls to the floor. He's scrambling backwards down the hallway on his hands, and he launches into a slur of curse words Peter didn't even know existed. "WHO THE FUCK LET YOU IN." Tony wails as he shoots his hand out to call his armor.
The lights flick on as Peter unsticks himself from the ceiling. The boy drops into a crouch on the ground, pulling his mask off with one hand and holding his stomach with the other. He laughs and ends up rolling on the floor as Tony drops his arm and fails to regain his breath.
"Peter fucking Parker!" Tony exhales a sharp breath, holding his chest as he wheezes. "You little asshole! What the fuck!"
Peter turns to face him, seemingly trying to make a case for himself; but one look at his mentor's face and the boy dissolves into cackles that would have embarrassed even the most enthusiastic evil witch. Tony looks at the kid and makes mental schematics of his coffin before Pepper's gasp breaks his concentration.
Pepper's laugh -a sound usually associated with 'h' words like home and heaven in Tony's mind- sounds like another choice 'h' word; hell. It sounds like hell. Her laugh sounds like Beelzebub whispering sweet-nothings into his ear right before slitting his throat. "You! You're in on this! Pepper!"
"I have.. no idea.. what you're on about." Her usual perfectly-poised speech pattern has broken down under the weight of her amusement.
The calm cadence Tony has come to love is gone; and in it's place? Absolute duplicity.
Tony has regained the use of his legs, and takes off in a jog towards Peter. The boy, still beside himself with laughter, sees his mentor's incoming rampage and can hardly lift himself into a run in defense. Peter's picks up an utterly pathetic pace and it's all of two seconds before he finds himself tackled to the floor and defending himself from Iron Man himself.
"You ungrateful child! That was treason! I let you stay here, I give you cool shit-" Tony lifts his foot, grabbing the slipper off of it and wailing Peter with it. "And you hide up on my ceiling? Turn my fucking AI against me? Go crawling around like fucking Regan from the Exorcist?"
"Mr. Stark," Peter can barely find words between his laughter and protecting himself from the onslaught of Stark slipper heading for his face. "Oh my god, the way you screamed."
"Yes! Of course I screamed, idiot child! You came at me from the ceiling like a fucking rabies spide-"
"Mr. Stark, spiders can't get rabies."
"Not the point! So not the point!" Tony stops his assault with the slipper, whirling around to face the living room. "And you? Why would you do this to me!"
Pepper is leaning against the wall now, incredibly close to catching her breath before once again dissolving into giggles. She braces herself against the wall with one hand as she doubles over, the other hand wrapped tight around her shaking sides.
Tony looks at both of them, at their similar postures and shared laughter. He grimaces. Tony winds his arm up, chucking the slipper at Peter with terminal velocity, and wants to scream as his action only sends the boy into another bout of wheezing. Tony collapses onto the floor, running a hand through his disheveled hair.
"Yeah, laugh it up, you guys. I just had a heart attack, but yeah, keep laughing."
"I'm.. s-sorry!" Pepper barely manages to say, before being thrown into a fit of laughter. "But, he's right, oh my god Tony, your scream."
"That's it! Pepper? You're kicked out. If I don't see you out of this tower and starving on the street in the next 2 seconds then I'm getting a restraining order." Tony says, glaring pointedly at his fiancé.
Tony hears Peter's giggle behind him as the boy throws two lanky arms around his neck. The boy presses in close and accidentally jabs an elbow into Tony's side. "Aw, Mr. Stark, c'mon, that was funn-"
"Nope. Shut up, kid. Don't speak. We're going to the vet tomorrow and I'm putting you down. You are a horrible Spider-child." Tony exclaims exasperatedly, but lets Peter cling to him nonetheless.
"You deserved it though!"
Tony turns his head so fast that Peter feels like he himself got whiplash. Tony's glare is downright venomous and Peter hurriedly backtracks into an apology.
"I'm sorry, okay- Well, not for the prank because that was funny." Peter vomits his words at Tony, who only looks confused as he tries to keep up with the greased-lightning speed bullshit coming out of the kid's mouth. "But you deserved it! You called me Spider-Baby in front of all the avengers and now Clint asks if I need my diaper changed any time I'm annoyed with him, and Sam always tries to put me in time-out if I talk too muc- and hey, that kind of is all your fault if you really think about it Mr. Stark, s-"
"You did that because I called you Spider-baby." Tony interrupts, dropping his voice in a way that stirs dread deep in Peter's stomach.
"Yes?"
"I'm re-programming Karen so she can't call you anything but Petey-Pie, I'm going to scream 'I love you' out the window every single time I drop you off at school and I'll pay Happy to do it too. I'm going to interrupt you in the middle of Avengers workouts for nap-time, and hand feed you every single meal-complete with airplane noises and baby's first bib." Tony's voice is sickeningly sweet, as he pulls Peter closer and wraps an arm around the kid's shoulder. To Tony the gesture feels like sweet satisfaction, but to Peter it feels like impending doom. " I'm setting a bed time on your suit so it will play a lullaby at deafening levels until you take it off and go to sleep, and I'm going to hand-embroider Spider-baby into said suit and every new suit from here on after."
Peter pales under the threats that he knows very well are not just bluffs. "Mr. Stark, I now realize that what I did was very wrong and I won't scare you again. I'm an incredibly stupid troglodyte and you are a god on this earth and I'll never do it again."
"That's nice my idiot spider-child, but unfortunately you decided to be a moron so now you're going to come down to the lab with me." Tony releases Peter, standing up and offering a hand.
Peter only blinks blankly at the out-stretched palm, his brain struggling to see Tony's hidden motive behind the deceptively helpful gesture.
"C'mon, up and at 'em, sunshine. Off the floor. I don't like arachnids spreading their germs all over my imported wood." Tony grasps Peter's forearm, heaving him off the floor with some signature Iron Man strength.
"The lab? Mr. Stark, why are we going there? Aren't you, I don't know, tired, maybe mad? Aren't you going to send me to my room to sleep?"
"Why sleep when there's so much work to be done? After all," Tony glances down at the watch on his wrist. He sees the hour hand barely pass 1 and smiles evilly. "There's still about 6 hours until the sun comes up! Think that's enough time to learn to embroider?"
"Mr. Stark!" Peter whines.
"Nope. No protests my foolish Spider-baby! You earned this! Treat yourself!"
The older man throws a strong arm around Peter's shoulders, his hand rising higher to ruffle the hair on top of the boy's head. Tony guides them to the elevator, passing a smiling Pepper who still hasn't quite let go of her earlier mirth. Peter makes eye-contact with her, staring after Pepper like a man condemned to the gallows. The boy lets out a strangled scream as he's led away by his mentor to the lab, pleading for Pepper's assistance and pouting as she offers him none.