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Dear Freddie ,

Finally got your  letter- Your hatred towards the Royal Mail is very apparent might I say .  I am very sorry about the whole ‘I can only write to you ‘ and yes I  do feel bad about restricting our conversation to writing but to be honest -it’s not my fault my parents live so far away from a telephone . It’s like they’re scared of a phone in case it’s cursed by the devil or something . Catholics.But that’s beside the point - what I wanted to say is I really enjoyed myself with you and I’m sorry I did have to pull a Cinderella and run off in such a quick fashion . It wasn’t even my intention to meet you Freddie - not saying I regret meeting you! I just -I’m digging myself in a hole aren’t I? I am just saying I didn’t plan on meeting a handsome long hair charming drama queen but I am very glad I did . Where did we meet  anyway ? God I don’t have a clue or you Brits and your streets . To my defence, it was rather dark and you were pulling me away blindly . I was out with my straight friends that actually brought me to England - so obviously it wasn’t any of the “fabulous ” gay bars you have been telling me about . God I must have been so drunk considering I don’t even remember - god I’m doing it again! Not saying meeting you was a drunk decision Far from it .Oh Christ , I am just going to end this here so you don’t hate me forever and stop writing to me! 

P.s  not to sound desperate but please write back soon - as much as I love it here . Carlow is so damn dull .

-Jim

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Dearest Jim,

Aw darling, don’t worry! I’ll still write to you! Well- I’ll only stop if you want me to , even then I’ll have to think about it . It’s funny you were talking about your parents being afraid of technology, same with mine! My parents only have a telephone and television because of my sister and I! But of course - I’ve moved out now so I’m free!Free as the birds! Though I do understand why you haven’t moved since your university is so close to your house, which is very nice . I’d love that , but the flat I’m living in is so nice . Everything is so nice right now . I wonder if Ireland is as grey as you say it is or is it as wonderful as England? I truly bet Carlow isn’t that dull as you write it up to be but it does feels good to be wanted - or am I just entertainment for you? Mr Hutton I am offended! How dare you use me! 

 Love you loads , Freddie Mercury

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Dear Freddie,

I promise I’m not using you , please please understand that . It’s just- you don’t get it . Ireland is just dull and all it is , it’s just fields! Endless fields . Besides Dublin - the capital always has to stand out in some way . Just like you - you and your band . Whatever this band is because you kept talking about ‘the band ’but you never told me what it’s called? Is it famous because my friends seemed to know who you were by the looks of excitement on their faces which I haven’t seen excited faces like that since we all finished the leaving cert . Oh god that’s only an Irish thing and I bet you are very confused on what I’m talking about , leaving cert is the final exam you take in secondary school (I am very poor at explaining things) God it’s like me talking about bands . Totally and utterly  confused . I’m going to be brutally honestly which is something us Irish people are very good at . I hope you weren’t expecting me to know who you guys are . Because I , okay I don’t know what to say anymore . So let me just end it there , hope you have a good day Freddie , whenever you get this 

Jim

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Jim darling ,

It was a joke deary! Calm yourself! You are so uptight , you know? When I bring you to London that’s the first thing you’ll notice! No one cares around here and hopefully with enough time you’ll realise that you can let yourself go . Also I have no clue about exams here in Britain because I didn’t do any schooling here . Just became their rock god . Speaking of their rock god , so you don’t know me and Queen? I should have told you I guess but then everyone in a ten mile radius could tell who the hell I was - If they hadn’t already . But we could have gone somewhere else, maybe more private than a bloody English pub! I don’t know why Roger and John enjoys being them. To be fair , they don’t get why I enjoy going to anywhere beside pubs! God you make Ireland sound so dull , I might have to tour there just to come and rescue you - If you want me to of course . But you have to do finish your studies too! God I can’t believe you are in college when I’m writing music for a band . Crazy isn’t it? Well you are finishing soon so then you’ll be free as well , just like me!

Miss you!

Freddie

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I was pacing through the university’s telephone ranks  in the library debating over what I’m about to do. Would it even be worth it? I hadn’t written to him in ages , nearly two weeks and I felt bad about but I also have the impression I’m a burden every time I do write to him. We could be so discreet about it but my parents don’t have a landline . Like- why couldn’t my parents be normal and have a phone in the house? It just seems strange , me writing to a pop star and him writing back , it’s a weird pen pal situation but I like it? Is that weird? Absolutely -

“Hutton , what are you doing?” A voice beckons to me , the fear of ‘have I done something wrong? ’ began to set in 

I freeze in the spot only to turn to face whoever it was .

 And...

Of course it’s him. Father Liam . The university’s religious studies professor. He’s everything wrong with the world , very backwards and if you do one thing against the bible . You might as well pack your bags because you’re moving to hell. We’re all sinners in his eyes . His word is law.

“Nothing father , just going to ring someone . If they’ll pick up ” I try and let not let the shock  be found in my voice 

“Are you coming to mass this Sunday?” Father Liam asked his same old question 

“I don’t know Father , my parents are I are very busy and exams coming up and all” I’m only half lying 

He smiled at me- the first time I’ve ever seen his man smile , and he baptised me and all my siblings .I had never seen him smile ,  until this very second  .  It was creepy too- he was trying to be kind about it but with the harsh tone that his face shape is , it looked forced and fake .

“I understand Jim, remember I was once a young lad like you!” Father Liam is laughing! He actually laughed out! He might be possessed! 

I have never been so confused , but I smile back just to make sure he doesn’t hate me . He turns to walk away and I feel a wave of relief but it soon dies down when he whips back to ask me a question

“You never told me who you were calling” he called out again , his voice as loud as ever . Causing  a few heads to turn . 

I don’t have to you nosy twat.

So I begin to stutter a make up  answer to this question because I can’t tell him the truth . That’ll get me killed . Just make something up . I can’t say ‘I was going to call the beautiful Freddie Mercury’  because then I’ll be done for. Just say a name and bloody  fast . I can’t say any of my older siblings or my parents because he knows them! Oh this isn’t fair , what about a friend- wait

“Oh..just a girl..” I pretend the blush on my face is love instead of shame .    

I hold my composure, maybe I can play straight if I try hard enough.

“Oh wow, congratulations what’s the lady’s name?” He does the smile thing again, just to throw me off 

Why didn’t I expect this?!

Thinkthinkthinkthinkthink

I got it!

“Oh her name is Annie, she’s from Galway . We met when I was in London “ I spin my tail a past hoping he won’t question further 

He gives me a nod at leaves me at it , wishing me and this girl that doesn’t exist well. If I can lie to Father Liam, I can talk to Freddie in school. That stupid conversation surprising gave me confidence, well  enough to pick up the phone and dial in the number Freddie gave me in his  first letter to me ‘just in case you suddenly get a phone doll’

Please pick up

Please don’t let this be for nothing

Freddie please

“Hello? “ his voice sounded like music to my ears 

I shush my voice to make sure Father Liam from wherever he is doesn’t hear it’s not this fictional Annie

“Freddie?” I know it’s him but I need him to confirm it 

He sounds concerned and confused

“Yes? Who’s this?” Freddie sounded very concerned 

“It..it’s Jim”

His voice changes to excitement in an instant 

“Oh my god Jim! You called! Did you get a phone?! Did you get kicked out!? Oh please don’t tell me you got kicked out , I’ll collect you deary!” He called out in a loud and frantic voice 

I missed him so much but he can he be a bit quieter , I’m afraid anyone would hear us 

“No freddie  , I’m at Uni we have a telephone in our library ” I try and sound not very ‘please for feck’s sake . Be quiet’

He laughs down the phone and I picture what the looks like- him covering his teeth while his long hair moves with his giggles . It’s a true sight .

“So I’m hoping I’m going to get more university calls then? ” he almost sounded flirty 

His tone was arrogant yet charming and I couldn’t help but smile . I answer in almost the exact tone - mine sounding a bit more forced but I think I pulled it off well.

“Maybe , if I don’t tire of you”

“Oh! Jim please! Freddie Mercury never bores anyone! I’m an entertainer for heavens sake!” Freddie mocked 

His voice is too loud for me to handle for the librarian is giving me looks so I hush him as soon he is done on his little rant

“Okay i understand but you need to be a bit more quiet , I’m in a library- in a school you know? ”

He brings his voice down a few notches and is now at a normal level for a conversation

“So..how is studies?” He asked the age old question 

“Freddie , don’t get me started” I reply with age old answer 

“Jim! Don’t be using me as a distraction, go finish your school..things” he trails off , not knowing what to call them 

“I’m not using you as a distraction, I’m finished for the day . I’m just bored . As usual”

“Rural places can do that something ” Freddie spoke the honest truth 

“Don’t they just?”

He then shouts something I couldn’t hear down to someone where he was then apologises

“I’m sorry darling , I have to go. But do call me again- okay love you bye”

Click

My blush is heated of my face but I don’t care, I leave the library and walk home with a grin on my face .

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Dearest  Jim,

I have such great news darling! We’re nearly finished our album , which took ages but our hard work has payed off very nicely and hope it shows because there was too many arguments that nearly broke up the band . But that’s the price you pay Yes I know , you might be saying ‘oh that’s nice Freddie but why should I care because I’m in the 1% of the world that doesn’t listen to good music’ but that means two things. We are going to tour again , so that’s a good excuse of you coming over to England and seeing me again! Maybe for a little more time that a few hours , maybe I can come over to Ireland after the entire tour is over . I see you , you see me . Of course I’ll be paying for the entire thing  , I don’t even want to hear it . You argued with me for too long about a bloody drink I can’t even begin to comprehend what you’ll do so I most likely won’t tell you when it’s happening then just mail you the tickets for everything so you can’t refuse , jus to seal the deal. If you even complain for a solid second , I will cry. I will . That will be entirely your  fault Jim , I hope you wouldn’t be proud of yourself if you did do that . The press would be , but I hope you wouldn’t. Then I’d be very upset and just faking it for attention like the drama queen that I totally am . But you’d never do that to me, right? No. You wouldn’t because unlike most people on this damned earth , you actually have some empathy . No not some, you are honestly too caring and cute! I’m starting to think you’ve not real and I’ve just gone mad . So you have to prove yourself and come to England to see me to let me know if I have to get someone self to drive to a mental ward . In any words , the  album,  I would truly  give you a demo of whatever songs we’re doing but it doesn’t matter how much I trust you, I don’t trust the mailing system and giving you a copy of something the world haven’t seen yet by mail. I just wouldn’t chance it darling , but you understand of course . Speaking of demo’s and albums I do have to go before Roger drags me by my hair to sing! Love you darling!

-Freddie

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I think I’m always finishing class work  too early but that may be because I’m working on something for the school and then I’m free. In two months non the less , but still . I have to look on the bright side-ignoring the huge fact I still have no idea what I’m going to do when I’m out of Uni. I think I want to move to London , be out there where in some places I’m allowed to be who I am , trading dreary old Carlow to the filthy yet beautiful streets of London . But I can’t be thinking to far ahead anyways for I am , just stuck in the school library waiting for a phone to be free . All these people have phones at home yet they use these ones . Last time I called Freddie, no one was at the phones. But that’s because I came later when everyone else’s classes had started , so I have to made do with waiting . I should come back later , the fear of anyone hearing me washes over me suddenly. So just keep staring at the ground or maybe pick up a book to make sure I’m not looking out of place . I’m one of the oldest here , that doesn’t mean anything though .I do sometimes feel  like a newbie on freshers week .

“Hutton!” Someone yelled with no fear of the very well known rules of the library 

That someone slings their arm around me and I freeze up due to the lack of fear I give off to others . 

Please be someone I know

Please don’t be Father Liam

“Alright Jesus Jim , you need to calm yourself ” I suddenly realise his stupid godamn accent 

I rest my tensed up body from the blur of emotions that just hit me and turn to face my friend 

“Cormac , are you honestly kidding?”

He bursts out laughing at my misfortune that happens much too often . I don’t understand why I stay around him , but I’ll never really know. Actually do, he’s right craic 

“Why are you always in here? Phoning a friend we don’t know about?” He furrows his brows in his false sense of anger while  leaning  onto the study desk beside us giving me the all knowing glare of ‘are you cheating on this friend group?’

“Yes- a friend you don’t know about , which I won’t tell you about now anyways” I turn and check around for the phones to be free-still no luck 

He gasps and sulks trying to persuade me into telling him all the news of this person soon to be on the other line but he knows me and my close guard I keep of my secrets 

“Right whatever, what I came to tell you is me and the lads are going to Connemara for the majority of the week off  , wondering if you were in or are you going to be boring? ” Rolling his eyes thinking he knows my answer 

“Connemara , in Galway? ”

His face turns to a blank face and his eyes give me the look of stupidity

“No there’s a new Connemara in the north- of course in Galway. Jesus Jim, how’d you pass primary "

He gives me a shove of cop on and while I question my will to live and jogs my memory that I’m two years older than Cormac , he’s finishing Uni too but I’m twenty five and he’s - well ..two years younger.

“I’ll think about it , but I don’t know , the week off is in...” I try and remember the faint and distance memory of the bringing of the year when the dean told us about breaks and holidays 

“Two weeks Jim”

“ I’ll have to think about it”

“Jesus, come on Jim! It’s better than here! ” Cormac pleads with me in a tone a young child would use to persuade their mam to buy them something 

“Oh anything’s better than here..” I speak the truth 

Shifting my head to check on the phones again and now, finally one is free . Seeing I just  can’t just walk away from the conversation . Turning back to Cormac to go apologise and hopefully grab the phone so I can maybe finally  call Freddie with the number I have now memorised because if I didn’t I would have memorised a pattern on the bloody ceiling or something . Cormac notices my panic in my eyes from years of friendship and seemingly decides to let me go 

“Oh god , go on Jim. Don’t let me hold you” He mockingly growled but the joy in my eyes seemed to grow as he said it 

Cormac rolled his eyes at my excitement and sauntered off when I dashed to the phone , already pushing in the number and picking up the phone , humming to try and stop the joy coming off my voice  but I honestly don’t think it could drain off if I tried for hours 

“Hello this Freddie Mercury and who might this be?”

“Hey Freddie-”

He cuts me off taking the excitement from me for himself

“Jim darling I missed you , I hoping to get a call from you! ” His voice changed again to the embodiment of joy which began to change my emotions from joy to blushing mess 

“How-how did you..know it was me?” I splutter out calming myself 

God I just had to stutter didn’t I ?

“I know your voice darling , I wouldn’t say I could forget anything about you” 

I could feel the colour hitting my cheeks hard and little splutters of trying to form a sentence after that , he couldn’t forget me?

“Oh darling , are you alright?”

“..Oh ! Yes I’m fine Fred ,..”

He cares? He cares!

My sentence falls flat and I just hope he has more to say because I am lost..for words .

“Anyways! What do you think of the plan? The show I want you to go to is two weeks away...Yeah..two weeks! I’m going to book the tickets for the fights and all that jazz now so I do want an answer darling , are you coming or no? ”

In two weeks...

What else is in two weeks..?

The lads are off to Connemara..I didn’t say I’d go did I?”

“Jim are you with me?”

“Yes Freddie sorry I’m here , just thinking”

“So you’ll go , please say yes”

I hadn’t given the thought this question deserved and without letting anything sink in , I blurt out

“Yes Freddie , of course I’ll be there”

“Oh darling , I get to see you again! I do have to end this call to make the arrangements but it should be done soon! Love you! Bye!”

...what have I done?

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Dear Jim,

I hope you know I miss you deary, if I haven’t made it obvious by now and if i haven’t told you that I’m rather jealous of whoever you get to meet every single today .If it’s your friends or your postman, i don’t care . They get to see you and I don’t? That’s what we call unfair  I also do hope you miss me all the same .You probably do , I’m probably  the brightest thing you’ve ever seen! (Totally kidding) Moving swiftly along ,I won’t  tell you where I am because hopefully you’ll remember where because I do remember giving you a list of all the places that included the dates , oh but then again when you get this letter , we would have finished up here and have moved on . Oh well it’s fine! Also that’s why I haven’t been replying to any letters or phone calls if you sent any because I’m not at home darling! I’m out on the road! Touring , isn’t that strange?? But that’s the way life is- or how  my life is!  I’ve surprised everyone today on the bus by being dressed up early but that’s only because I wanted to write to you before the gig starts . I just do hope no one comes out from the bar since I’d look mad writing a love letter to someone no one but me has met before and I surprisingly haven’t told anyone yet knowing me but anyways, hopefully everything is sent to you because I am putting trust in the Royal Mail by  sending all of the documents to you via them so let’s pray the actually do arrive!

P s . Don’t miss me too much , I’ll see you soon

Love you loads darling 

Freddie

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Today is already a bad day

Oh my god I agreed to something I have zero idea on doing? What do I say to my parents?! “Oh I’m spending my week off with a man you never met before, don’t worry. We’re only going to London! ” There’s no way I can cancel this, not now! I have the tickets  , I don’t regret saying yes but then again, I regret saying it so quickly without giving it any thought ! What if I can’t go?! Oh god , what if I let him down . I need to calm down. This will all work out , it’ll be fine. Just grab your bag, bring the letter (and the many tickets you should not have) to uni and see what my loser friends got to say , because it’s killing two birds with one stone? Right?? Telling my friends about my strange and charming pen pal and getting advice all the while! That sounds good! I should get going, I’m always an hour early and I don’t want to ruin that-

“Jimmmmm!”

Yes 

Small shoves on my door with shrieks and squeals of two of my younger siblings trying to get in my door by not turning the doorknob but by screaming . I get up to see what the fuss is about- knowing how they’re most likely there to annoy me then run off , which while frustrating it distracts me from the mess that is my relationship with Freddie Mercury. I open my door to see the pair staring up at me silently. I know their games , they have something to say

“Can I help you?” I questioned leaning  against the doorframe

They bicker between each other to see who is going to explain what’s going  to me , ending with Marie  the nine year old to just face me and announce

“Mam says you have to drop us to school.” Marie crosses her arms to even copy Mam 

She smiles at herself proudly and her brother Martin gives her a nod of approval

“Did she actually , let me go check with her then” I smile back at them as they freak out

I wade through them before they have the chance to latch onto my legs begging me not to go downstairs , because we all know for a fact . Mam would never ask me to do that . They begin to wail, following me trying to catch up and stop me before it’s too late . Passing other bedrooms at a walking speed while the kids are running behind me , I make it to the kitchen to see Mam lounging at the table drinking tea

“Mam did you say I’m walking these one’s to school? “ I call out smirking in a smug fashion

I look behind me to see the pair in the doorframe annoyed as all hell with me for ratting them out to Mam

“I didn’t, but could you?” She had the exact same smile I did as mine changed 

I hear excited cheers from the door and I stare confused at my mom

“Mam- you know I can’t! I’m so busy!” I begin to sputter

“Jim, you can and you will. Always tucked up in your room , come see your family for once . No sooner you’ll be moved off somewhere where they can’t see you . “ Mam giving here ‘there’s no escape from this’ speech 

“Mam! Come on! ”

She gives me the stare I’ve grown to fear from six to now, still has the same affect to let me know there’s no way I’m getting out of this. I just have to give in

“Right, grab your bags.”

I hear running from behind me and Mam  just gives me the smile all mothers do when they win . Meaning the Hutton household sees it often , you just don’t disagree with this woman , ever . Everyone in the bloody town knows that , it’s brought onto as soon you know how to communicate around here . Martin comes back first with his shoes on the wrong foot so I point it out but he doesn’t care apparently and from behind me Mam calls out

“Don’t worry sweetheart , you’re big brother will help you!” She teased at me , pointing at Martin with a smile 

I roll my eyes that I can only do with my back to her as I fix his shoes which made him giggle , so that’s a small bonus . Soon , pulling around the corner  Marie running down the stairs, screaming and  getting chased by her sixteen year older sister to ‘stay out of her room!’ Then stopping as soon as she see’s that mam and I are awake and in the room and retreats back upstairs  get herself ready for school .

“Alright , we all set?” Putting my hands on my hips

They rush past me to the door waiting for it to be unlocked , going to get the key I stop,  turning to my mother 

 “Are you trying to get me ready for kids Mam?” I ask, hoping not to the answer I’ve been dreading 

“Of course I am! What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t?” Mam scoffs as my face drops

“Mam..you know there’s no point in teaching me how to raise kids” I say, soundly rather ashamed  feeling a hint of guilt slowly creep onto me

Mid sip my mother puts her tea back on the coaster then looks up at me , smiling. 

“Jim, every single person has to learn how to raise a child , just because you cannot have a child , doesn’t mean you neglect your responsibilities as an adult to show the youth and teach them how great life is . Just be the good person I know you are ...I mean those two at the door seem to like you”

Mam crosses her legs and presses herself against the chair while I stare in utter disbelief of how she just pulled that off without thinking . We are both smiling now . She goes back to her cup and I go grab the keys from the shelf muttering a thank you

“Have a good day you two!” Mam calls out to Martin and Marie as I unlock the door who quickly bid farewells to her and fly out the door . I was about to step out

“Jim! Have a good day sweetheart” I knew she had the same smile on her face

“You too mam, love you”

“Love you too!!”

I shut the door and see the twins swinging off each other then stop as I close the door behind me

“Jim, why are you smiling?” Martin questioned

“Because..it’s a good day!”Yes 

Chapter Text

Watching the two run into the school makes me thankful I’m no longer there , with Sister Anne and headmaster James to watch over anything and everything you do but also sad that chapter of my life is over and all chances I had then are gone , this feeling of nostalgic regret tends to fade when you realise you have many more opportunities now than then . I’m also thankful no one I once knew saw me there . So I got to be back at the house and get everything I needed for the course today including the letters just in time for Cormac’s car to drive down the road past the house for he normally picks me up further along the lane . After waving him down sarcastically , I did managed to flag him down before he was far enough for me to have to run . Grabbing the front seat , I settle in while putting on my seat belt

“Jim, we’re only going up the road” Cormac mocked me as he shows  how he isn’t wearing a seat belt

“Yeah I know but knowing how you drive and how shite this car is , I’m not taking chances anymore “ he takes his hand off the wheel  to hit me on  my bicep , not knowing how that just proves my point more

We speed through the back lanes before dramatically pulling into Aíne house that threw dust on her driveway to signal we had arrived . Without missing a beat , Aíne stepped out with  her middle finger held high to show her attitude towards our entrance, Chris , her man who obviously stayed the night followed her out the door , but he was being polite and just waved

“Morning you twats” Aíne hissed and she and Chris jumped in the back

“Mornin’” Cormac replied not breaking a sweat , he has dealt with way worse when it came to women

We began talking about assignments and this stupid movie Chris and Aíne we’re watching , well more so mocking it to be fair . Such memorable quotes from Aíne , such as “I’d rather be watching snooker , yeah I mean that . Snooker.” and “what are we watching , I’ve forgotten”

“So where’s Sinead and Adam sitting then if I’m here?” Chris asked a very fair question considering their normally the two there with Aíne in the back  and Chris walks

“Oh Sinead can’t get into cars anymore and neither can Adam. She’s gone vegan and Adam is following her” Cormac snarked and I laughed

“So just because she’s gone vegan, means she can’t get in a car?” Aíne questioned

“That makes no sense! “ Chris questioned , as if Cormac ever made sense

“No , their getting the bus. Cormac doesn’t even know what vegan means” I reply ,forgetting  my pledge of distracting the driver by hitting Cormac in the back of the head lightly

He tells me where to stick it and then the car breaks into ‘who can the best witty and stupid comeback ‘ until we pull , more gracefully this time , into campus where we do meet up Sinead and Adam , who upsetting everyone in the car , had not  become vegan . Cormac breaks the conversation from the bad film again as we head into a longue

“So Jim, Father Liam told me you’re talking to a girl called Annie  . Tell us all about her!”

The room gasped, included myself

I can’t lie without him spreading it like gospel , can I?

“I’m talking to someone , just not a girl .” I confessed , plucking up the courage I should have done ages ago.

“What do you mean Jim? “ Sinead questioned  leaning towards me , acting like a teacher spotting a kid sneaking off

“I..”

Should I even tell them ?

I could just lie and say it’s a friend

No. They’re my best mates . I have to

“Remember when Chris , Cormac and I went to London..and we met..” I was then cut off by Chris

“-Freddie Mercury! Who could bloody forgot , Jesus remember what he was wearing!” Chris announced for me hitting Cormac in the leg in the process

“..yeah, well..what you don’t know is we both seemed to have gotten along , so he gave me his address and phone number...I gave him mine”  I continued , tones of trying to piece my story together before I finished came through the longue

“...What I’m trying to say is ,  . I’m going to London , to see him” I breathe out , feeling slightly relieved

Adam was the first one to speak up , surprisingly

“Jim...you didn’t know who he was when we were there , now your ditching us for him” he said jokingly but he also speaks the truth

“yeah, Jim . What’s up?” Cormac asked suddenly 

“..I’m gay”

Silence

“Good for you Jim, how long has you know?” Cormac said trying to break the ice

“He’s gay , not pregnant moron” Aíne said while hitting him in the back of the head

“Why is everyone hitting me against the head!”

“For the craic “ Adam said , getting a few laughs from a few of us

“So, when are you going? How are you getting there, the whole deal” Sinead folded her her arms , acting a lot like my mam

I sigh at remembering everything he’s done for me , flight and concert tickets . My first ever concert .

“He’s bought them all. Here -“ I begin , taking out the letter he sent , which was eagerly taken by Aíne , she began to read aloud

“I hope you know I miss you , if I haven’t made it obvious by now and I’m jealous of whoever you get to meet every single today . I also do hope you miss -“ I cut her off instantly, taking the letter from her holding against me

“Ah! I know you don’t get attention from your man! No need to try with mine!” I hiss back , Sinead coos

“Aww! He’s calling Freddie his man!” I flush instantly , regretting what I said

“Wait, we’re all skipping over something bloody massive! Freddie Mercury is jealous , of us!” Chris screamed out

“Jesus Jim, you should be steaming , seems like you’re not the only one I love with Freddie Mercury-“

“Good morning all” we all recognised and froze out from where we were.

“Morning Father” we said, nearly in unison

Father Liam looks through my group of friends until he sees me, no . He’s sees my letter I’m now holding tighter than ever , now that he’s in the room.

“What’s that you have there Hutton?” Father Liam poked and walked further into the room as I begin to tense , which was obvious to anyone beside Father Liam why. Before I had the chance to break down , Sinead spoke up

“Oh father, it’s a  letter from the Galway girl ! She’s going through some stuff , women stuff and Jim asked Aíne and I to help him understand certain things “ Sinead played of perfectly , her being a drama student became very appreciated suddenly

“Oh yeah Father , the boys were horrible flustered  when we read it! She was talking about- “ Father Liam cut Aíne off becoming rather flushed himself

“Right that’s enough Higgins , hope she gets well soon . I do have to go for prayers now . “ with that , he had swiftly left the room. Not without Chris and Cormac giving him the middle finger on his way out .

“Oh the nosy little -“ Adam began to curse out Father Liam with every shade of slang and curse words there is and ever was

——————

This was the only class I have with Cormac and Adam , the only class I have to explain what day and time I’m leaving at and how they can help me out

“So when is it ?” Adam tried to poke as we moved further up the lecture hall until we were at the very back where we sat so no one would interrupt us

“Monday , Two weeks “ I slump into the hard little seats trying to find a comfy position when I realise , there isn’t one

“Mate- that’s when we head off to Connemara, you know what that means!” I couldn’t tell if he was upset, mad or other but I put my head in my hands and sighed

“I know that- I’m sorry but it’s the best date for him! I might not go anyway, maybe I should just go with you” I admit thinking of how upset and mad Freddie would be

“Oh my god! You have to go! Anyways , Sinead’s a good liar . You can just say to everyone you’re coming with us then head off to Dublin airport!” Cormac  hit my arm for the second time today to try and get me to cope onto their good idea

“Christ that might been the best idea you’ve ever had” I say just before the lecture starts and we have to hush ourselves to a faint whisper

Now, this is a relatively good plan.

Chapter Text

I’m starting to think my leotards are a bit too much in every sense . I know they attract people , but not all people are good people . I’ve gone too far to back out though, there’s no replacement silk shirt and tight pants . I have go onto a stage in a gown like  silk sex symbol of some kind , which is fine and all. I do love being in the spotlight and adoration, but if it’s taking away from me, the performance or the songs. It’ll have to go . Brian and I wear similar white silk over coat like shirts at the beginning of the show so he understands, if the shirt is a distraction to Brian to the point of he can no longer play for the shiny silk is in the way , it’s got to go too . Take tonight , I have no idea where we are playing , they’ll tell me later . That’s for someone else to care about , not me. I just need to remember that I know every song , how to make them perfect for that stage and where not to stand to get that perfect echo if that’s what I’m aiming  for . Also my makeup- which is what I’m currently doing . Fix everything with dark shades of lipsticks and mascaras to make me stand out , from the crowd that is no where near me , but still. I want to stand out- in general

“Freddie? ” someone from my closed dressing room door called out to me

“Yes darling , out in a second ”I try and convey joy , even though I just ruined my eyeliner and have to re- do it now

“Just , Mr Beach is looking for you ” The man, who I’m guessing who is a techie then making his way back as I finish my cat eye he had ruined and threw the door open to find Miami or ‘Mr Beach’  , who was only standing by the stage , meaning he could have easily come over to me himself ,but instead got someone to do it, it’s admirable really . I should really try it

“You wanted me? ” Trying to put my charm in my voice early on helps on the stage

“Yes Freddie, I did . I overheard the boys were talking about a press event and honesty I thought, it would be a good idea” Miami always tries to amp up every idea into good one

Miami also knows how to strike fear into me

“Are you sure? Who would want to talk to us, we’re a bunch of low life wannabes legends” squeaking slight as I try and hide the nerve swallowing my pride and confidence from earlier

“Fred- this while be  all fine, Reid things it’s good to ” Miami , trying to cheer me into this

“Of course Reid things it’s a good idea- he want’s us out in the public so we sell more!” Bickering out , not even thinking over what I said, beginning to sound a bit rant-ish

“Isn’t that want being a rock star is? Out in the public and selling more? ”

“Touché Beach, touché ” I growl and wander off to see if the band is finished over looking set up and doing sound checks for a sound check .

“Freddie! “ We’re almost finished -” Paul prenter called out from behind me , I turn to see him beside Miami exactly where I was a few seconds ago

“Cool, I’m gonna go to the band though. See you before  the show” Not even bothering to look back, I open the doors I came in  with and pranced out . Back to the dressing room to prowl and wait for the others to follow me in , also anything I’d missed finished , meaning double checking my makeup and nail polish is stage-ready . Make sure hair is okay , fabulous as usual . Pray whoever is taking a photo, get’s a bloody good one. I don’t want my legacy to be ‘Freddie Mercury,  can’t control his hair on stage ‘ . Even though, no one can control their hair , I just feel like some one will get the wrong moment of me , then suddenly that’s what Queen is known for- that’s what I’m known for . Maybe even blowing it for the band , I’d never be forgiven for that . I’d never forgive myself for that- one slip up that ruins it all. My career tarnished, forever. Pondering over if this will all be worth it , the money for touring, the albums . It all adds up to big money- something we as a bad couldn’t pay off it this goes down the drain .

“Freddie fecking Mercury , get your ass on stage for sound check!” Roger screams as he slams the door , it ringing off the hinges a few times , causing me to shriek out

“Roger! Don’t do that!!” I roar at the stupid blond but he’s already gone- leaving the door open as usual . Always leaving me to finish his ‘ half tries ‘ at maturity.

I strut off , raging to find Roger again and scream at him. But I’ll ruin my voice if I did that and then, Reid would be still hitting me by the end of the day. I’m just put my anger into the music we’re playing now . Now swinging off the stage , owning it completely I begin ‘Now I’m here’ , swaying against the music from behind me . My confidence comes back to me , this may be a sound check but it’s a sound check for a gig . That means treat it like it is one, no ‘can we try again?’ it’s one chance , no blowing it .

——

“Alright lads, we’re all ready for tonight?” Rog howls as he enters the dressing room , seemingly scaring John but not me, I saw him come in this time

“Of course we are, we wrote the songs. We’re going to be great” Brian encouraged the entire group- like a mum at a school play

“Oh darling , you’re right! We’re fabulous. ” Trying to match Brian’s enthusiasm

“See any girls Rog?” John asks , something he’s been asking since we started touring . Even though he’s ever so loyal to Veronica- he knows Roger wants to talk about it

“A few , most of them are with lads or there’s a group of them” Roger scowls  as he lays back against a desk

“Other men have never stopped you before Rogee” i tease but we all know it’s true

“Yeah- but these lads are men , not someone I could take on right now. Not before a gig at least” He sneers , coiling his face up in disgusted looking manner 

how heterosexual 

“Why were you complaining about groups of girls, I thought that was your heaven?” Brian pressured

“Oh but if you want one girl, you have to introduce yourself to the group and it’s always the ugly one that will sleep with you ” Roger huffed seemingly have annoyed himself,but that’s good for a drummer . Anger is always good for a musician .

We switched subjects a few times , ignoring the now bustling crowd noise  coming from beyond the stage that we could hear 

“Brian- not to sound stupid. But where are we?” I quietly mumble, regretting and hopefully he wouldn’t even hear me

“Can I be honest? I have no idea” Brian confessed to me and I couldn’t be happier , now we can both be stupid together asking anyone else

“Right then! We should most likely find out before we’ve announced the wrong city!” I demand , authority stricken into my voice as I marched down the corridor, Brian in toe

“Paul darling! Where are we?” Prenter turns around to face me from whatever crew member he was talking to

He rolls his eyes and tuts me out to the staff member boy 

“Colchester, how did you not know?” Paul gave me the look of a disappointed mother

“We fell asleep on the bus!” I whine out , trying to get Paul to understand- that I don’t deal with this kind of stuff

He sighs and goes back to his conversation with the crew member, Brian and I took that as a sign to leave him be , he is busy. Being our manager must be hard . But it’s rewarding!

——

When walking to the stage , the sound of the  audience already there waiting in suspension for us - the main act . It makes you feel like a god , and a jester . They came here to see you! They paid to come! But then again, you have to make it worth whatever they paid . That’s scary, but I’m going to be a rockstar. Have to get used to this slight sense of nerve

“Bet none of you can point out Colchester on the map of Britain “ John joked, trying to relieve stress from the group but it’s mostly for himself . He always freaks out over gigs . Poor pet , but he’ll be over it when we’re all rich and famous!

Hopefully

“....And now ladies and gentlemen...

..Queen!”

Chapter Text

“Why am I in the back seat?” I complain as Aíne intentionally moved her newly found power of the front seat back , crushing my legs in the process

“It’s oppression Jim, you gotta get used to the real world “ Cormac laughed as he skidded into the another empty lane .

“Well if you keep op-pressings the seat into my legs I’m going to scream bloody murder “ the threat was over looked as the car hit a pot-hole entering the shops ,

ah Superquinn .

We all hop out, on our own mission to find cake mix because Cormac says we can go over to his place because his parents aren’t home . We all decided as a group that cake making was the agenda of today’s gathering at the Long household . We’re in college . 

“Do you have  eggs Cormac?” Adam yelled from the other end of the aisle to him while checking dates and quality for the eggs himself

“Think so!” Cormac called out, with the same enthusiasm

“What kind of cake are we even making?”  I call out to no one in particular while looking at buttercream and vibrant pink and white cake decorations

“Sponge - Jim the vanilla cream is there . Go on and get it you  blind thick” Adam comes up behind me and tells me off

“Why don’t you grab it then Adam , you seem to care so much ”and with that , I walked off to another aisle to find  Chris and Aíne making out in the direct centre of the milk section

“Something sexy about the dairy section you two?” I put on a Father Liam booming voice , putting my hands on my hips for good measure

And it worked 

They began to splutter and collect themselves , Aíne being the hot head she is gave me lovingly the middle finger before retrieving the milk they were told to get before their impromptu ‘we’re young and in love’ scene

After a brief few minutes of gathering everything and everyone up in the group to the tills , then just to be  paying separately because we’re awkward like that . We  managed to load the cake mix yet to be cake mix and ourselves into the car. In a dash and a couple of swerves , we  were speeding through , past the small pond we used to be brought to when we were small for nature walks in school

“Do you think ducks have feelings?”  Adam asked out of the blue

“It’s going to be one of those drives home “ Cormac said with a sigh but was secretly pondering  an answer

“No! I’ve been seriously thinking about it!” Adam tries to explain himself

“Ah I don’t care , if you want to talk about ducks Adam, we can when we’re baking! Just speed up Cormac!”

Aíne kicks the driver seat in effort to get Cormac to get to his house faster

“We are just here, oh my lord are you in heels!? Stop kicking me! “ Cormac protests as he drags the car into the drive . Parking right outside the door

—

“Adam! I swear if you ruin this cake in any way . I’m never talking to you again!” Aíne hissed as Sinead walks in the door , coming back from my house . Everyone kept nagging me about the letters- by everyone I mean Sinead earlier so I told her if she wants to know so much , ‘go down to mine and I’ll read them out for you. Like a feckin’ story’

Adam pushes the batter into the oven carefully, being stared down at the slightly calmed down Aíne as he closes the oven door . Finishing the job for himself , feeling rather proud . Before even a word was spoken to or by Sinead , she had dragged me into Cormac’s sitting room to relive my love life. She thrusts the pile of notes into my chest gently , making sure nothing falls . Sinead smiles eagerly at me as she takes the couch beside me .

I begin to read a loud a few small paragraphs from the letters , a blush quietly snuck onto my face as I recount some sentences . Saying the ‘miss you’s ‘ and the ‘love you’s ‘ out loud changes what they mean, to think someone wrote that and meant that really hits you . Even some lines people would say on the daily kept me smiling , their was affection and sentiment hidden in their original phrases .

I finish them up , the hot flash that burned onto my normally very cheeks suddenly grew more of an issue than it was before as I was no longer distracting myself with heartfelt messages

Sinead and I sat in comfortable silence before she spoke softly

“So you’re going to him” she began

“Uh huh” I try and comprehend

“Does your mam know?” Her voice somehow sounded  all lot like mom

“That I’m gay or that I’m going to Freddie?” I ask, wondering if she phrased it wrong

“That you’re going to him, I know you’re Mam wouldn’t mind you being gay “ She hushed and puts her head on my shoulder

“No she doesn’t know . Of course she knows I’m gay though. But it’s just -   It’s better that way. Dad doesn’t know I’m gay you see , and if she did know about the trip .  There’s a chance of it being slipped . You know my mam “ I laugh out lightly at the truth

“You want me to lie to your mother and father saying you’re with us?”

”You  can do that, just say I got sick suddenly , you've done it before” I recall on the time she did it for Aíne very well to her family  

“Very true and very wise Hutton

-  proud of you “ she smiled

“Proud of me?”

“For finding a great man”

“CORMAC DID YOU JUST DYE THE BUTTERCREAM YELLOW?!”

Chapter Text

The day of going to England and seeing Freddie is drawing itself closer by the minute . , two  days time to be exact .Everyone else is getting ready for Galway , where I’m looking for buses to Dublin , which I did find , good night bus with my friend Fionn driving so I know i’m In safe hands but that also means  so I’ll have to go a day early , meaning it’s really tomorrow we’re heading off , also meaning everyone else will have to spin the lie the exact way I’m going , I’ve picked my friends well . I’ve told Mam I’m going to Connemara, she’ll tell Dad because of course she will and her explanations sound much better than mine . Aíne was lying on my bed as i aimlessly throw clothes into a bag

“Imagine, I’m the only girl that will ever lie on this bed” Aíne sighed as she stared out my window

“You’re not ” I say as I pull a tag off a new shirt

“What?!?” Aíne hurled herself up as she screeched

“Calm down , it was my sisters room before mine ” I throw my boxers while looking at my calendar written stupidly exposed my lies with ‘Galway’ in quotes and intentionally miss the bag hitting Aíne

“First of all, ew. -“ she threw them in the bag then gave me the middle finger

“- two, which sister? You have, like seven” She  mocked as she plopped back down

“Aoife ” someone else answered for me from the open door

My dad.

“Hey..Dad I thought you were going out tonight?” I try and make conversation with him

“No, we had to move it to tomorrow, leaving in the morning. That means Father Liam is here - “ I tend to forget Father Liam is one of dads drinking partners

, and he’ll be taking your room”

“You what?!” I hissed as my head rushed with new and alerting thoughts

“You heard me son, no buts or anything .- Evening Aíne ” and with that statement- he’s gone.

Aíne shifts herself up as I sit at the end of the bed

“Well, we’ll have to be out early tomorrow and then we won’t see him “ she gives me a small smile and hands over my boarding pass and concert ticket which I take on the chin and take my things .

“Here sit on my suitcase so I can close it “ I ask pushing the last few jean piles into place

 ”You callin’ me fat?” Aíne growled as she got up 

“What?!? No! God no! I’d never”

”Hope not “ she still sounded displeased but  obliges , humming a little tune then changing it to rather well known Irish song 

“I’ve played the wild rovers for many a years - “ she began to sing

-and I’ve spent all me money on whiskey and beers” I continue the lyrics

“But now I’ve returned with gold in great store!” Aíne dramatically held her hands out

“And I’ve never play the wild rover no more!” We borh lashed out and laughed , not wanting to finish the song as Aíne hopped off

“Come on Hutton , we can sleep at mine. Only if your fine with Chris being their too!” She sang off and ran out of my room . Leaving me to pack up my bag and follow her to her car .

“Oi! Where are you off to?” Mam calls out , stopping her scolding off Marie that she can’t stay up hiding in her older sisters bedroom

“Off to Aíne’s -“ she cuts me off immediately

“Go say goodbye to me and your father then, won’t see you for a week” just as if by magic, in walked in Dad with Father Liam in toe

“Uh Right dad , I’m off “ I try and not make eye contact with Father Liam as he stares me down

“Ah, I’ll see you later  then! Do have fun in Galway” he smiles at me , he’s a hard man with a good heart . That’s the way Mam describes him anyways

And with that, without letting Father Liam speak a word to me, I pack myself into Aíne’s car.

Let’s see now. 

Chapter Text

“You sure you have everything you need?” Aíne questioned as we turned into the her house

“You were there when I packed it , if anything is missing I’ll blame you” I sneer as I grab my coat from the floor of the car

She shoves her heavy front door open  , tossing her shoes to one side with many other assortments of her’s and Chris shoes . Barking comes from the sitting room killing the silence that once was the house. Out from the sitting room emerged a sleepy Chris and a Collins the very excited baby  German Shepherd who ran from Chris to his owner and I to greet us .

“Baby!! Angel! Has Chrissy been treating you well?” Aíne cooed at her darling boy as he jumped up to lick her face

“Why is Jim here?” Chris jokingly glared at me

“He’s staying with us because Satan himself has taken his room “ Aíne rolls her eyes and sauntered into her living room , Collins and I following behind her , “accidentally” shoving Chris into the doorframe for thanks after his comment

“Did Father Liam actually steal your room? “ Chris asked as he  sat back down with Collins on his lap already

“Yeah, dad gave it to him since I’m going away tomorrow “ I try and relax my sudden terror of something wrong while I’m gone

Collins put his paw on my leg in a seemingly good attempt to calm me down- or try and make me a dog lover instead of a cat lover

Nice try Collins, nice try.

“Can we just sleep and not watch one of your renown horrible films you find?” I rest my head back trying to get comfortable knowing full well that this is where I’m sleeping tonight

“You. Are.Such.A.Bore. “ Aíne tried to convince me to stay up

“Yeah -no. Out. I’m kicking you out of your sitting room . Go do  straight couple things” I hiss sounding an awful lot like Aíne herself

After a small “argument “ they begrudging leave taking Collins with them, leaving me be with my thoughts- and a beautiful blanket Aíne mum made her

Soon , I’ll be with Freddie

——

Waiting on the bus in a rainy shelter is nothing new for me , done it all the time when I was younger . Playing a match for the under 16s GAA or getting the bus into town to see friends . But this, this was different. This is me going to Dublin airport to await a flight . To see a man I’ve been messaging since we met in London four months ago . Much, much more different

“Jim?” A  very feminine voice called out from the rain behind me

I turn back from the time table to see ,  Cheryl.  She was someone  I went to secondary school with but then never went to university. Also again,

Someone I would not be so keen on being with in a night bus for about two  entire hours . She’s a flirt and does not understand the word no . Even if I told her I was into men she’d still think I could be a possible mate . She’s pretty and all , very nice until you piss her off but I just don’t want to deal with her right now

“Oh my god it is you! Where have you been!? “ Cheryl moved as if lighting was about to strike her to beside me on the bench .

Great. Now I’m stuck in the pissing rain , waiting for a night bus . With her. What next , Father Liam being the driver?

“Well- I’ve been studying-“ she cuts me off as if I never was talking

“Oh my god, you were always the clever one! If you didn’t let me cheat with you on those tests , I totally would have failed” she put a lot of emphasis on the word ‘cheat’ . Which- I tried to ignore with little to no success

“So..how’ve ya been? I heard you’re moving back here from Dublin?” I try and strike up a conversation so I could stop her from speaking

“Oh yeah, the boyfriend is coming up tomorrow. So I’d have the house all to myself “ A tint of blush hid her face as all my colour seemed to drain in disgust

“R..really? That’s nice “

“Yeah, he’s been such a twat to me recently . I might even find someone better. Maybe even a boy from here” I began to panic before I see my saviour, my saving grace

The bus.

I instantly shoot up from the bench in the shelter , getting a sudden gasp from Cheryl 

“Well it’s been great catching up with you but that’s my bus! “ I pull my bags up to me as I look back at Cheryl who now has a pout on her face

“Alright- see you then” her voice changed from flirty to aggressive in a matter of serval seconds

As if step into the rain to get to the bus when it pulls into the shelter , Fionn my friend from secondary school and my driver for the night hops out to greet me

“Jim! Someone to talk to , finally - “ he scans over to the now raging mad cow sitting where I was once was

“Is that Crazy Cheryl?” Fionn stared her down as if to get a better view from the soaking of his glasses and his now soaked fringe not doing him much good 

“Yep it is - don’t worry! She hasn’t changed!” I huff as I load my bags inside the carrier trunk

“Take the front , I want to talk to ya “ Fionn gestured to where the bus’s frontseat exactly beside the driver is sat 

“Grand, best seat in the house. I have such a story for you , buckle in” I sit back into the leather-ish low  front seat that is more comfortable that most

I scout out and see only a few on the bus , most asleep with one or two reading a newspaper in the lights dimmed to perfection

—

“So , that’s when I said ‘I can’t do that shift .it’ll be so boring! Then you rang and I thought ‘maybe it won’t be that bad” he recites as I had began to tell my own story of college and Father Liam

“oh my god , he isn't dead yet?!” Fion exclaimed louder louder than he should , thankfully not waking up anyone up . 

“We all wish”

we all wish. 

Chapter Text

Surprisingly, there was quiet from the Hutton household , having as many children living here you wouldn’t expect a moments peace at all, but there it was . Silence . I had been given Jim’s room for the night , I had stayed in the room before , even before it was Jim’s. I couldn’t get over the silence that had stricken the household when had Noeleen left for bridge , leaving Thomas and I alone with a mix aged of children .

“Where did Jim go off to?” I call out to Thomas from the sitting room as he walks in

“Some place in Galway with the lads and the girls ”Thomas laughed there-

“Why are you laughing? ”I draw my eyes as I finish my drink and shift in my seat

“It’s called being happy , you should try it Liam . Might help you get into heaven ” he mocked as I think on how is  not getting into almighty heaven something to sneer at but let it go .  Thomas moved onto the couch beside me ,grabbing the remote and begins to flick through some kind of sports channel . Something he should know I have no interest in 

“So, did Jim tell you about the girl from Galway?” I ponder to him as I flick through some old family photo album , filled with the older children- Jim himself being only ten at most

“I’m sorry? What girl from Galway?”

“He hasn’t told you? He’s gone to see some girl he met when he was over in London ” I reply while staring at the photo of Thomas Jr playing with his youngest brother at the time Jack

Thomas himself sits there , perplexed but not saying a word  then smiled to himself . He smiled at this nonsense of his own son going against his back . The cheek 

“You’re seriously smiling at this?” My anger and annoyance had grown rather easily

“Obviously! My son has found himself love! Am I meant to be disappointed- angry? “ Thomas’s face had changed colour from pale to pink ish , taking a long look at me as if I was the mad one in the situation

“I just thought you knew” I had trailed it off , knowing this would end in an agreement if I didn’t

Though we had fallen silent , his agitation had grew and taken the shape of the entire room . Was he mad at  Jim or myself , something I wasn’t willing to ask , not now . Maybe in the morning . Taking my rightful chance, I take my leave to look around and see if there’s any new photos up

“I’m going to head off to bed “ I grumble and Thomas sends me off and returns his concentration to the television GAA game .

Grabbing my bag I had left in the kitchen, begin to wander down the long halls full of of family photos and medals of children’s achievements throughout the years , with some diplomas scattered around in the golden painted frames . With the family portraits sits photos of family members who have pasted away , remembering a few of them as people I admitted the funeral for . Candles half used with coloured wax of all shades dripped down against the candle and holder it stood on . Further along , upstairs was rooms with hopefully , sleeping children . I look around more as quiet as I can seeing laundry piles with jerseys for clubs and county in the mix of it all until I do finally do come across Jim’s room which is further along than most bedrooms . It seems he enjoys his privacy more than most .

Pushing the door open quietly , I see he a one person sized bed , drawers either side of it with a large wardrobe taking up the entire back wall , on the side corner,  a wardrobe the same colour as the door seemingly made by the family as well . On the walls , sits a calendar with some pictures of his own . I recognise the people as the group he hangs out with , who he’s going to Galway with.  Checking through the dates I see that Galway is in quotes - for some reason . I can’t help but wonder why , this needs investigation. I’ll ask Thomas when I sort out my clothes . As I lay out my pyjamas onto the bed , I see that one of Jim’s drawers is spewing with papers to the point of not being able to close . I simply move over to check by opening and the drawer is flooded with what seemed to be college papers and letters from teachers , with some at the back seem to be actual letters . I take out the college papers and see how the majority are actually these letters taking up the entire bottom half of this drawer . Taking one from the pile I begin to read

“Dearest Jim,

it’s a bit annoying how your parents don’t have a landline , but you get an excuse  because you’re cute darling and I like you . As you clearly saw in my clearly drunken state I was in , but I wish to display my affection in sobriety if you do understand. I apologise for the stereotyping but I was very surprised as how you could take that amount of alcohol you could take without becoming as intoxicated as your friends . Goodness you held on well, which impressed me a lot . I was also very surprised and rather intrigued when you ask me out for a walk outside the green patch the pub had beside it -“

Oh my god! These must be Annie’s letters!

“- that I had to accept ,leaving your  friends behind! Oh poor things! But they seemed happy with talking with the barman and I was not complaining , I’m not complaining now either because dear goodness! You were so sweet! I’m recalling this because I have no idea if you remember this at all, you may have acted drunk and fooled me but could have been entirely pissed! Oh darling , me telling about the gay bars - the face of intrigue on you was glorious!-“

My mind suddenly stopped as if I could no longer breathe , thoughts circling around the words ‘gay bars’ and the imaging of whatever goes in that sin hole - and Jim was intrigued and not revolted?! I instantly have to read down to the name - if not Satan himself it was someone close to him! Dragging a child into such a disgusting behaviour.

“-Love you lots, Freddie”

Freddie.

That’s all it says.

Freddie.

I grab all the notes that are from his Freddie and rush down to Thomas , disgust still throwing itself against my stomach and head .

“Jesus Liam- What the feck are you doing running around the house?” Thomas angered face , hushing his need to scream at me due to the hour

Without saying a word , I put the letters down on the table , needing to look away in a slight bit of shame and just disappointed as Thomas unravels his son’s secrets