Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

More often than not San’s days end up this way. Standing in front of a clouded mirror, breathing in hot air from the shower he just stepped out of. Holed up in the small bathroom of his dorm. Staring at himself for an obscene amount of time. Too long. Long enough that one of the other boys would always make their way to stand outside the locked room. Knocking softly at the wood. Letting San know they’re there.

And it was happening again just like that. Another quiet tap. He knows he’s been too long again.

“I’m not trying to rush you San...” the voice quietly slipped through the crack of the door frame.

“but...other people have to use the bathroom too”

San frowned. Taking his eyes away from the voice on the other side, and glancing at himself one last time before grabbing a towel and wrapping it around himself. Slowly blotting away the patterns of dripping water from his arms, moving the towel around his neck and chest and then down his legs. He felt bad for always doing this. It was basically routine. Him standing alone in bathroom like this, reviewing himself. Judging himself harder than he had ever let any else do before.

He couldn’t help it though. He wasn’t happy with what he was seeing look back at him anymore. He didn’t hate himself. Not all the time at least. He tried to tell himself that.

Just had bad days.

Bad days that turned into bad nights.

With those bad nights resulting into bad performances.

Bad weeks because of those performances.

He was tired of being tired and completely over being upset. He couldn’t help himself though. Everything he tried to do successfully, failed. He just couldn’t get excited, happy. He couldn’t be proud of himself anymore. He wanted to sleep forever.

All day. until the end of time.

He didn’t feel like San anymore. The one everyone knew him as, joyful and sweet. He still was. It was just harder to find. Deep down being smothered by all these suppressed feelings and emotions. Stress.

He turned his head back towards the door quickly, walking up to it, he turned the once shiny knob - now foggy from the intense heat of his shower - and opened the door to see Seonghwa standing there.

“I’m sorry” he looked down, quietly apologizing to him for taking so long and pushed his way past the older, who wanted to speak, San could tell, but he didn’t want to give him the chance to scold him again for using up all the warm water.

He closed himself in his room. It was dark and cold. Like always. The warmth of his room sucked out as soon as he was left alone in it. Only returning when Yunho entered. Yunho.

San pushed himself back against the closed door. He’d been avoiding Yunho for days now. Not for any particular reason. The same reason he’d been quiet around all of them. He just wanted to avoid being questioned.

Yunho - who San thought was one of the most amazing people he’d known - had obviously gotten the message and left him alone. He didn’t mean for Yunho to completely leave him though. He felt like such a horrible person for it. He’d probably been hurting all his members like this. His friends.

So now he sleeps alone every night. Sometimes, Yunho makes his way into the room, San stupidly turning the opposite direction away from Yunhos eyes. He knew he shouldn’t have been so mean. They were all just trying to help.

Yunho stopped coming to check on him.

The cold air snaked up his legs again, biting at his ankles. He must have left the window open all day. It felt like ice was growing up his legs and up his back.

He quickly moved over to check the windows, seeing that he did in fact leave one open. He let go of his towel and let it hang loosely around his chest to grab at the top of the window, closing it fast and clicking the lock to ensure it didn’t open again.

Legs tired from the days events, he let himself fall onto the edge of his bed. Lying there, taking in the color of the ceiling, the faintest blue - Yunho had insisted on it being that color, they were finally allowed to put holes in the walls by hanging pictures and painting each of their rooms to fit their personality, because for the longest time they weren’t allowed to alter the look of their new dorm. - he looked at the little star sticker he had stuck up there a few months before and closed his eyes.

He had been laying there for only a few seconds before he heard another soft knock at door. He always forgets that he shares this space. He can’t sit and be sad whenever he wants to.

“San.” He heard Seonghwa again, but closed his eyes and tried to ignore his hyung calling him.

“Are you busy?” The older leaned his head on the outside of the door, waiting for an answer.

San sighed, pushing himself up off his back with his fists.

“N-no I’m not” he answered back.

He stood up all the way, quickly picking up some shorts and sliding them on. Then his black sweats, pulling them over top of the shorts and grabbing a shirt. Yanking it over his head.

He weakly made his way over, unlocking the lock and turning the knob to open the door.

Standing face to face now with his friend, he smiled duly up at the other.

“Hyung?”

He pulled himself away from the door, allowing Seonghwa to come in. Found himself flopping back onto his bed. He kept his eyes on the older, watching him fiddle with his hands, looking around at nothing, then back to fiddling-

San looked at him, waiting for the older to hurry up and ask whatever it was that was on his mind.

Any of the members being this... this nosy. Obviously wanted something from him. Today he wasn’t in the mood to give whatever it was though. A joke, a laugh, play fighting.

He wasn’t in the mood anymore.

The older spoke up finally. Crossing his arms, not too serious looking. Just enough to show he’s older, that he isn’t nervous to be in here right now and he totally didn’t get shoved into this by the other members either.

“I want you to tell me- tell any of us, what’s wrong. You’ve been acting..” he tilted his head a bit. Looking down at the younger.

“You seem-“

“I’m fine” San watched as Seonghwa frowned at him. He smiled back though. As good as he could at the time. He didn’t want to talk about anything that was going on with him. Especially not right now. He was cold, freezing. He was upset and he was more tired than he had ever been.

He didn’t want them to worry over him either. It was useless.

“You’re clearly not “fine.”

He knew Seonghwa didn’t want to push. He could tell just by looking at the older that he didn’t want to be here just as much as San himself didn’t want him to be here either.

“I swear I’m okay.”

He pushed out a laugh that to Seonghwa, sounded scared, not “okay”.

San didn’t care how he sounded though. He just wanted Seonghwa out. He wasn’t mad, not at all. He just wanted to sleep. It’s all he wanted. Then they could talk about it tomorrow, anything any of them wanted to do he’d do it. Anything they wanted to say to him he’d listen.

Just not now.

“We’re all here. All of us, San.” He spoke sharper so San would listen. “Use us. We aren’t here for nothing..” he continued, walking up to San, cupping his cheeks in both hands. Forcing the younger to pay attention to each word.

“We’re here for each other and that includes you. Don’t leave us in the dark”

San kept his arms low at his sides. Just staring up at the older, not knowing what to do. He didn’t want to cry. He knew he was about to if he kept looking into Seonghwas eyes any longer. All the feelings from the day, from yesterday. All the days before that, had came bubbling back up into the pit of his stomach, slowly crawling up his throat.

His throat was in flames. The pinned up feeling begging to be let out.

He swallowed it all back down as fast as it fought it’s way up. He wasn’t going to cry in front of them.

Especially Seonghwa.

Moving his face out of the older’s hands, he looked down at his own shaky ones. Pulling at the hem of his own shirt.

“Promise you won’t keep shutting us out.”

Seonghwas eyes were dark, unnerving, but at the same time, he felt safe under them. Right now he could shrink down small enough to crawl into a hole and hide forever with the way he was looking at him.

He didn’t expect his pity party of a shower to turn out like this.

“I promise to try?” He finally spoke. “It’s easier to keep it to myself. So much easier Seonghwa.”

He huffed out a tight breath of air caught in his throat that had unknowingly been there all day and stood up. He didn’t want to talk, but he did want his hyung to know he heard him and that he’s happy someone cares.

So he does what the older hadn’t expected to receive at all. San knew because he felt the older tense up around him.

He hugged him as tight as Seonghwa would allow. Buried his head into the older boys neck and didn’t want to let go. Couldn’t. The amount he wanted Seonghwa out of his room a few minutes before completely melted away by how much he wanted him there now. That’s all that mattered. The older relaxed into it.

He felt Seonghwa wrap his arms around him too, squeezing back just as tight.

“Whatever’s bothering you. Whatever’s hurting you this much...”

San felt a warm tingle on his forehead, eyes getting heavier each second that passed. Too scared to open his eyes.

The older left kisses on his head, moving his arms out from around the younger and back up to hold his face again.

San looked back into his eyes just as seriously as Seonghwa had done before.

The older continued, really looking at San now.

“-we aren’t going to let it keep hurting you.“ He spoke lowly, calming, warm. Different from any other time he had had conversations with Seonghwa. Usually it was the older burning holes into his head, yelling at him for being a goof, or being too loud late at night.

San couldn’t believe it. But he also couldn’t keep his eyes open.

“You’re tired” Seonghwa smiled down at him, letting go after what seemed like ages. San almost audibly wining at the loss of warmth.

“Go to bed okay? Everyone misses you. Hongjoong can probably get us a free day for tomorrow. For you.”

San nodded, sitting back on the lower of the bed, too needing of sleep to protest that taking a day off just because of him wasn’t what he wanted.

“Hyung?” He spoke slowly, leaning himself onto the bed.

“Yes?” The older almost laughed at how cute, how tiny San looked in this moment.

“Can you-“

He cut himself off with a yawn.

“Can you tell Yunho..” He looked at seonghwa with big eyes and his heart almost turned into a hot liquid for the younger boy.

Seonghwa stood at the door, watching as his friend slowly drifted off.

“San he knows. He knows and he isn’t angry with you. Don’t worry about it, I promise it’s fine”

“Thank you hyung”

Chapter Text

San had gotten finally gotten some sleep and this time it didn’t come with nightmares or waking up impossibly sweaty, gasping for air. His small talk with Seonghwa - not like he talked much at all during it anyway, just tried to take what the older was saying in and remember it- had at least comforted him enough to be able to close his eyes somewhat happy. Not happy, just not as anxious. Not as tense as he’d been. He felt decent, more than he had in weeks at least. Knowing someone knew something, even if Seonghwa didn’t fully, and San didn’t exactly say what was hurting him, himself, he at least knew he needed help, even though he was alone through the night - or he thought he was alone. He’d felt warmer. Like one of those electrical heated cat blankets. Kind of too warm.

Stirring a bit from the heat, he stretched out his arms and went to sit himself up. Or, tried to.

What-

He heard a groan to his side, and then another. Unsuccessfully trying to escape the actual bear clinging onto him.

“mstop...moving” the voice, deep and slow. Pulled San closer, locking both of them in a death grip on the small space of the bed, not letting go.

“Yunho-“ He wriggles his way out of the boys arms again slowly, carful not to wake up the giant baby. Wondering why he was in here in the first place. He rubbed the deep sleep away from his eyes. It was dark still, quiet and almost cold now after he had removed himself from Yunho’s grip.

He looked down at him. The boy now grabbing at the pillow that was previously under San’s head. Using it like a replacement of warmth the smaller had taken away. It was almost cute. Almost.

“Get out of my bed Yunho“ The smaller shoved at him, rocking his shoulder back and forth like a parent waking up their child for school. Yunho’s eyes still closed, he grabbed at San’s wrists, overpowering him easily and speaking with the lowest tone of his voice.

“I’m not....moving.”

Great. San wasn’t going to sleep tonight. Not finish it anyways. He was having a good dream too. Now here’s Yunho, someone he really wanted no part with. Especially with how yesterday had ended with him. The day before that too. He knows Seonghwa said it was fine, but San felt like shit. He must’ve told Yunho to come in here.

He brushed his hair away from his eyes, trying to sound less nervous than he was, crawling out from the combined heat of Yunho and the thick blankets. The bigger boy, hair sticking to his temples, curled up and tossed around from sleep and huffed out another groan.

“Why...are you up?” he groaned as he watched through half closed eyes, San making his way off of the bed and over to the small lamp on the desk. San flicked it on, leaving it at the dimmest setting. He winced at the sudden beam of light invading his tired eyes, swatting away at the air like it was his invisible enemy.

“You were smothering me.” He took a steady breath through his nose. “Shouldn’t I ask why you’re in my bed?” San wanted to laugh at how dumb this was, it was Yunho. Who’s bed wasn’t he in at one time or another. It shouldn’t be weird but it was this time.

An awkward silence filled the air around them. Yunho didn’t seem to care too much as he was still too invested in pulling the blankets over his eyes.

“Saaan....” He spoke muffled from under it. To San, he looked like a puppy stuck under sheets.

“Why do you care if I’m in here? Ive slept here before”

His red striped hair laying flat in front of his eyes, he sat himself at the edge of his own bed, face away from Yunho who was now sitting up a bit because San obviously wasn’t going to let him keep sleeping, so might as well get up.

The entire atmosphere was weird. It wasn’t negative. More like pent up emotions, San’s emotions. He continued fiddling with the edge of the beds lining, digging his nails into it to avoid nervously pulling out the thin strings of his shirt out of habbit.

He spoke up finally. “Did Seonghwa hyung tell you to come in here...because if he did-”

Yunho sighed, leaning his head back onto the cold wooden headboard. “-He didn’t. I came in here on my own. I wanted to talk to you but you were already asleep. Like we should be now.

“Well now im awake....because of you. So what was it?”

He felt a small ball of nerves attack his insides, waiting for a yunho to speak or yell, or whatever he was going to do, San wanted him to get it over with. He expected to be called out, yelled at. Why wouldn’t he be? He’d been so rude to his friend for days now with no explanation, so he prepared himself for it.

Yunho wasn’t speaking, and that scared San even more. Made him pull his legs up onto the bed more. He didn’t want to turn around or even see what face Yunho was undoubtedly giving him right now.

“Why are you ignoring me?” He sounded pitiful. San felt like he could beat himself up over this for the rest of his life.

Yunho continued, pushing himself up from the bed too, sitting on top of the warm blankets he’d just been under. He was facing San now, who was still turned away from him, eyes on any object he could find. Both of them unknowingly trying to avoid eye contact with the other.

“What did I do, San? Can you tell me so I can fix it? Whatever it is I never meant it. If you just tell me...”

San felt so bad. So so bad. Yunho hadn’t done anything, nothing at all. Nothing bad enough that Sad would be upset because of him. How would Yunho know that. He’d once agin, been treating him like an airborne flu. Keeping out of any room he was in, leaving practices as fast as he could. Showering first and immediately leaving the dorms or going to sleep, headphones always in when the boy was around. So what was he supposed to think?

Guilt was eating up his already sensitive insides like a virus, he felt ill and he wanted it to leave. He’d been basically holding in the urge to be sick every time he looked at Yunho.

He finally turned to look at the boy - who was sporting his best puppy eyes at the smaller - and frowned at him. His heart ached more than he ever thought it would seeing his friend so invested in his own feelings.

“You haven’t done anything Yunho, I swear. I’m just-” he paused, not wanting to seem this dramatic but he guesses it actually was that dramatic. It was a serious topic he was about to tell his friend.

Maybe tell his friend. Maybe he’d make something up to get away from the conversation for a little bit longer again. He was the absolute best at avoiding things like this when he wanted to and right now more than anything that’s exactly what he wanted.

San thought so hard for something he could say, anything. He didn’t want to have this conversation still. Even with what Seonghwa had told him a few hours before. He knew they were there for him. He just didn’t want to end another night crying in someone’s arms.

“I’m just overwhelmed, working myself too hard I guess” He lied. Kind of. It was more just a half truth than a blatant lie. He wasn’t going to tell the person that he looked up to the most he hated himself.

He felt like Yunho could see right through it too. He was good at that. Always catching the members not telling the whole truth or even just seeing through a fake smile, every single time. San hated it so much. To a point.

“Are you sure that’s all it is?” He weaved his way down to the bottom of the bed to meet San, who was still picking at the beds small fabric strings. San made room for the taller boy, scooting to the side a bit to accommodate him. Though keeping his eyes as far away from Yunho’s as he could. The bed sunk more underneath the combined weight.

“Kinda” He didn’t know what to say. There’s one hundred reasons why he was hurting, but right now all of them seemed so unimportant. So embarrassing. Things he shouldn’t be upset about. So he decided he wasn’t going to share. Not just yet and risk Yunho laughing in his face or calling him dramatic like the others had before. He knew they were all joking and he shouldn’t take what they say so seriously. He knew he could go to them for anything, but it’s something he wanted to avoid all together if he could.

Yunho gave a small shrug back, not wanting to ask too much. He lightly tapped at the space between them. He gave a soft smile, his eyes were so sparkly, San thought. Even in the dark room they shined like stars. He loved them, and he loved stars. It was absolutely perfect and horrible all at the same time. It made him want to hold the bigger boy for hours and hours, telling him how perfect he was at things like this, comforting San like he always had to do. Which San felt bad about, but it was something that had always made the younger feel so happy around him.

San didn’t forget he was still trying to stay away from Yunho, but he missed him so much that it all made his stomach rumble again when he finally looked at him. His stomach chanting over and over, like a tiny parade moving up his chest.

He looked at him in darkness of the room and saw the dark red, tired blush across Yunho’s cheeks. He saw the soft, curly mess of hair scrambled across his head and how big his eyes were looking for San’s own and couldn’t help but melt. He gave up hiding from Yunho. It was useless now.

He slowly crawled into Yunho’s arms. The feeling was like everything he needed, swaddling San. Yunho wrapping his arms so neatly around him, both of them fitting perfectly. Like a puzzle.

He let go of the breath he’d been forcing down, softening up the tension in his own body. He pushed his head into the warm corner of Yunhos neck. Yunho taking San on fully and resting his chin lightly on the top of the smaller’s head.

He breathed in all the smells Yunho’s body emitted - fresh laundry more than anything - He sat there. Didn’t want to move one inch. He felt like if someone where to try and take him away from Yunho right now he’d cry. Locked onto the older like he was his, and nobody was allowed to take his giant away from him.

Hands clammy, he rolled his fists into the older’s shirt, pulling it as tight and as close as he could to his small frame.

He felt something too as he lay there, head pressed so closely to Yunho’s skin he could sink down into it. Yunho’s heart beating, almost like drums. Quick drums, loud ones. Being played so hard and fast that you’d think the drummer would break them from hitting so hard. So heavy and loud that it almost hurt San’s own ears just laying there.

“You don’t always have to make me feel better” He pushed out anything that came to mind, realizing the room had gone silent for more than just a few minutes.
Yunho felt tense. Like he wanted to get away. He knew if he’d look up at him he’d immediately go red, so he kept his own eyes locked onto the ground, the wall, their feet hanging off of the bedside. Anything that wasn’t Yunho’s gaze.

“What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t try, San.” He rubbed big circles into the back San’s shirt.

“I at least want to try. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, you have all of us. I’m sure Seonghwa hyung told you...”

“Yeah,”

“He means it and so do I, and so do the others. We all-“

San didn’t want to hear about the other’s, he just wanted to sit in his friends arms and he just wanted to be held. If Yunho kept talking like this he’d for sure be crying again in no time.

“I get it Yunho” He breathed out, not wanting it to sound like it had. Leaning more on the side of annoyance than he wanted it to. He’s sorry. Again.

Yunho understood though, just held him tighter in the moment and easily pushed himself back onto the bed for a more comfortable position for the two. San was light, it wasn’t hard for Yunho to pick him up like a child’s toy, a feather. That’s another thing San had enjoyed about him.

“I’m sorry I woke you up” Yunho spat out, remembering how he’d woken up to san suffocating entangled in his big arms.

San smiled into the boys chest, almost laughing at how Yunho was always so concerned over the smallest things that had to deal with San.

“It’s okay.”

His cheeks and ears started to burn like he had been hit with the hottest water. Why’d he want to say something more? Yunho would laugh and make fun of him for being so sentimental if he did.

“I like that you’re here”

Blood rushed through his body, messily sitting under the skin. Leaving a faint blush across his face and an even lesser faint of blush along his ears. He tried covering it, removing his fingers from the fabric of Yunhos lose shirt and bringing them up to covertly hide the embarrassment that was swallowing his entire soul.

“Now that I’m here you like it? Where was this San the entire week? You basically ran from me three times!” The older faked offense, smiling down at the younger, who obviously couldn’t see, so it was more for himself.

“We’re like best friends and you’ve been hiding from me! I’m not gonna be mad at you...whatever it is.” He sat for a second. Laughed to himself.

“You’re constipated! It all makes sense now. Running to the bathroom all the time!” He pointed all around wild with expression, trying to make the smaller laugh.

“Yunho,” San whined, pushing the bigger fully down onto the bed, untangling from his grasp.

He sat up on his knees, Yunho now under him. The older moved both hands onto the smaller’s waist.

San looked down at him, tiredly smiling, the red of his cheeks now gone, being replaced with the feeling of sleep. After all, it was in the middle of the night, almost light out. Hopefully the other members would let him sleep in. Hopefully he hadn’t woke them up. Yunho was the one that ruined his sleep in the first place. Well, not ruined.

He continued to look down at Yunho, the boys eyes were just as sleep induced as San’s own. Somehow though, he looked alert and just as beautiful still. Eyes not daring to leave San’s. He watched every move the younger made. San felt nervous. Was there something on his face? Something had to be up his nose. Why else would he be staring. He wiped at the invisible flaw quickly.

“What..” he breathed out. Yunho, starting to look a little - if San was seeing it right anyway, - a little nervous, nervousness mixed with the most seriousness of looks. It kind of scared San a little.

“Are you okay?” San tilted his head a bit, searching through Yunho’s expression for anything that might’ve happened in the few seconds they’d been in this position.

“I’m perfect” The older spoke, his lips lightly parted, ears almost red, almost. They were hidden in the shadow casted over his face.

The silence was even bigger now, it felt like they were in a black box. If they were to speak any louder someone would hear them and come tear them apart. Yunho’s breath was slow, but San could still feel his pulse echoing through the space. It was even deeper, even quicker now. He looked uncomfortable, scared. San thought.

He felt the same heat of nerves swell up in his belly. Mistaking the look in Yunho’s eyes for discomfort -which is far from what it really was- he rolled off of him.

“Sorry.” Was all he could say. Pushing Yunho’s hands off of him. “Let’s just get some sleep”

Yunho almost whining at the loss of San’s hips.

“But San, why-“ Yunho sat up quickly, pulling the hem of him shirt back down that had ridden up as San had played with it.

San ignored him and all the feelings that were swirling around in his head. “You can sleep in your bed if you want to...you don’t have to be my babysitter”

San didn’t know why, but he felt more than embarrassed. He felt open. Like everyone could see the dumb look on his face. Well what he thought was dumb. He hated it. That everyone in the world was pointing at him and laughing for no reason. He sank down into his bed, back facing Yunho. Shutting him out again as quickly as he’d opened up.

He was good at that.

He felt Yunho keep the position on his bed. The mattress still bending under the weight. He had expected Yunho to get off by now. Not looking, but to feel the older pad his way slowly off and back into his own bed. That wasn’t happening though. He just felt Yunho’s eyes burning holes into the back of his brain.

He ignored it. Assuming Yunho was just too lazy, too tired to move. He allowed him to stay, but he closed his eyes tightly. Not leaving any opportunity for the older to start asking him more questions.

He pulled the heavy covers over his eyes, where he was once hot, he was now so cold with embarrassment he invited the heat of the blankets to smother him.

“Goodnight Yunho”

He waited for the older’s response, tense under the sheets he held tightly on to.

“Goodnight San, please don’t shut me out. I’m not your enemy”

With that, the boy finally rose from his bed, climbing out of it, hitting the lamp switch as he walked back to his own.

San felt so empty. He ruined something again for the hundredth time this week. He was so tired of it. The pitch dark room could eat him alive right now and he wouldn’t care one bit. Knowing Yunho was just a few feet away from him, he couldn’t cry, so he curled himself under his blankets. Holding the edges tight in his fist so no one could ever pry him out. So he’d smother like he wanted to.

All the warm feelings from earlier left him. This was the last room he wanted to stay in.