Work Text:
2012
Cute, is the first thing Namjoon thinks when he sees Park Jimin for the first time. He's nervous, wringing his hands tightly together and Namjoon understands. He figures it must be pretty nerve-wracking to be meeting everyone at once. To be meeting the people who he may or may not debut with.
"Are you Jimin?" he asks, just to be polite. He knows it's Jimin. Who else would it be? He stands up anyway, making his way to the other boy who he can see is trying to put on a brave face.
"I'm the leader, Namjoon," he says, making sure he's still smiling. Technically, he's not officially the leader yet, but Jimin nods as if he knew that and eventually takes Namjoon's outstretched hand, a small smile on his face.
Cute, Namjoon thinks again.
"I'm Park Jimin," he says, voice louder than Namjoon expected. Namjoon squeezes his hand and turns to face the rest of the members who are looking at him in excitement and curiosity.
Taehyung is the first to make his way to Jimin, followed closely by Seokjin.
"I'm Kim Taehyung! I heard you were older than me."
Jimin laughs, the sound abrupt, but it eases the tension in the room just a bit and the niceties continue. Namjoon stays by Jimin's side throughout it all.
And slowly, but surely, Jimin fits right in.
2012
Namjoon notices Jimin in a way he doesn't notice the others. He figures it's because he's concerned about him. He notices how hard Jimin is already pushing himself and he sees when Jimin brings himself down in casual conversation. It irritates Namjoon, almost.
He figures maybe he should say something about it. Maybe he should go up to Jimin and ask him to stop being so morbid when it comes to his own development and talents when he's comparing himself to the rest of them.
But a deeper part of Namjoon understands. He's lucky enough, though, that where he is now, he has focused most of his energy on working rather than worrying. In his darker moments, however, he gives in and all of his fears and worries and ideas of what the future implies for him come back and he feels sad sad sad sad—
Maybe that's why it irritates Namjoon so much. Jimin makes him sad. Jimin is a constant reminder of how they might not make it, he's a constant reminder of frustration combined with a level of maturity Namjoon admires combined with continual worrying over and over and over and over again.
It's driving Namjoon up the fucking wall, honestly.
Namjoon watches how Jimin scarfs down his breakfast, already dressed and ready to go rehearse some more, probably. Namjoon admires Jimin, but he's afraid of him. He envies him and he pities him.
Noticing Jimin is just a string of contradictions. Namjoon hates it and wants to tell him it'll be okay, but he doesn't want to make promises he can't keep, but he doesn't want Jimin to keep doing this, he can't just keep doing this, and Namjoon wishes he didn't notice Jimin at all sometimes.
"Off already?" Namjoon asks one morning, yet another morning where Jimin heads off for vocal training or dance practice or something, anything, that makes Namjoon wish for a brief moment that he could take Jimin's place and let the other relax, just for a bit.
Not that Namjoon ever lets himself relax.
Jimin is smiling at him, Namjoon sees when he lets himself focus again. "Of course, hyung! I need to catch up, after all!"
Namjoon purses his lips, hearing Yoongi sigh.
"You aren't behind, Jimin," Namjoon says, smiling as well, letting out a careful laugh. He doesn't want to push Jimin away, but he doesn't want Jimin to push himself away either.
Jimin laughs too, as if Namjoon had said the funniest joke. "I am though. I'll see you at rehearsal in an hour."
And he's gone.
Namjoon lets out a deep breath.
"Namjoon-hyung?"
Namjoon looks to Taehyung, who's watching him with wide eyes.
"Yeah, Taehyungie?"
"Do you think Jimin will be okay?"
Namjoon pauses, but he nods. "Of course he will. He probably just feels like he needs to prove himself. I'm sure he'll get out of that, though."
Taehyung nods, still looking unsure, and Namjoon can't really blame him.
He doesn’t know every detailed motivation behind Jimin and he doesn't know if Jimin will ever realize that he's already enough.
(Namjoon ignores the part in him that speaks to him saying he already understands, of course he understands, Namjoon had felt in Jimin what Namjoon feels in himself sometimes, and Namjoon will always understand. The world can be cruel and to conquer it, one must become better.
Namjoon understands.)
2013
"Smile, hyung!" Jimin all but shouts and Namjoon blinks as his picture is taken. His eyes widen as Jimin giggles at the photo.
"Look, hyung," he says, showing him the photo. Namjoon looks stupid in it. "You look dumb."
Namjoon gasps. "Maybe you should be a better photographer, then."
Jimin rolls his eyes. "Maybe you should learn how to be a better model."
Namjoon can't help but laugh. "Fine, you got me there. Still a shitty photo though."
Jimin glares at him, sitting across from him at the table. "It's a good photo, I think. It really captures your personality."
"Park Jimin, do you remember that I'm your hyung?"
Jimin grins at him. "I never forget."
They stare at each other and Namjoon loves the teasing look in Jimin's eyes and the small smile and Namjoon looks away first, coughing.
Jimin makes no sound, pulling out his phone and typing away at it. Namjoon shifts and looks back up at him.
Cute, he thinks again.
2013
It's with great amusement that Namjoon watches Jimin actively avoid the beans on his plate like the plague. He supposes Jimin would have said something earlier if he knew what Seokjin had been cooking, but he doesn't. And he doesn't say anything now either.
He eats everything else and fakes eating the beans by scooping them up and then laughing wildly at something someone else said, which makes him put the spoon back down.
Namjoon knows Jimin thinks he's fooling everyone, but Namjoon has been watching him nearly all night, so hyperaware of everything the younger boy was doing. And Namjoon wants so badly to comment on it, or he wants Jimin to catch him in the act and raise his eyebrows in that way he does when he's badly trying to convince someone else of doing something, but Jimin doesn't notice his stares as he barely even looks at Namjoon.
Which makes sense. Namjoon supposes he isn't really someone people tend to just look at. Not in the way that Jimin is. Besides, he isn't speaking or anything, deciding to eat in silence tonight as he observes the rest of the members.
Jimin stands up first, taking his plate and holding it high enough so that anybody who wasn't looking for it (like Namjoon) could tell he hadn't eaten everything, or more specifically, the beans. Namjoon holds back a smirk when Jimin asks him if he's done, offering to take his plate to the kitchen. He simply shakes his head.
"No, Jiminie, I'm good. Thank you though."
Jimin smiles at him warmly and leaves the room. Namjoon succeeds in not staring at him, focusing his attention on eating again.
When Jimin returns, he has a smug glint in his eyes that tells Namjoon he really thinks he got away with it without anyone knowing.
Not like Namjoon will tell him.
The rest of the night passes with laughter tinted with stress and Namjoon files away the new information he's learned about Jimin deep in the back of his mind for later.
2013
Jimin says his name like it means something else. Namjoon doesn't even know what he really means by that, but it's the only thing he can think to say to describe it.
Jimin says his name like it means something else. Something warm, maybe. Fond. Namjoon doesn't know.
He does know that Jimin doesn't say his name the same way he says others. And he knows that others don't say his name the same way Jimin does.
Namjoon thinks he's being ridiculous. Of course that makes sense. Jimin is different. Of course Jimin would say his name differently.
But… Namjoon thinks it might mean something different as well.
And as Jimin sleepily greets him in the mornings, Namjoon's name rolling off his tongue like honey and comfort, Namjoon tries not to let it bother him.
He doesn't know what it means. And frankly, he doesn't have the time to figure it out.
2014
"He looks up to you."
Namjoon's head snaps up as Hoseok sits down beside him, crossing his legs in tightly. Namjoon frowns.
"Who? Why are you coming in here and saying cryptic stuff?" Namjoon laughs.
Hoseok grins, eyes bright. "That was kind of cryptic, wasn't it?" They laugh again. "Jimin. He looks up to you."
Namjoon feels warm under the statement. Like a light is shining down on him. A very bright one, sudden and overcompensating.
Namjoon thinks he's overcompensating.
"Why? How do you know?"
"He just told me."
"He told you?"
Hoseok nods, grinning even wider. "'Namjoon is so cool, don't you think, hyung?'"
Namjoon flushes even more. "He looks up to everyone. Even Jeongguk inspires him, and he's just a kid. We all inspire each other."
"I didn't say 'inspire.' I said, 'He looks up to you.' He thinks you're cool." Hoseok gives him a long look. "Although, who knows why?"
"Hey!" Namjoon exclaims, giving Hoseok a small shove. Hoseok laughs loudly in response and doesn't say anything else regarding the matter. Namjoon isn't sure whether or not he believes him anyway. Although, he doesn't know why Hoseok would lie about it.
But… there was no reason to look up to him. Namjoon's had people looking up to him for a good part of his life. In school, in the underground scene, even now, as a leader, but Namjoon doesn't know why.
He doesn't like to hear it. It makes his ego too damn big and Namjoon doesn't want to be someone with too big of an ego. He doesn't want to fall into the belief that he's someone to be looked up to.
And Jimin… Jimin works harder than any of them, he thinks. If anything, Jimin is someone to be looked up to. Not him.
Jimin.
2014
The thing is: Namjoon thinks Jimin is really cute.
Not cute in the gay way, but cute in the I almost want to pinch his cheeks kind of way. Cute in the I want to mess up his hair just to annoy him kind of way. Cute in the I want to compliment him because it's adorable how he reacts kind of way.
Namjoon was getting to have individual sessions with the other members for the first time by himself and he was nervous and he could tell Jimin was nervous too. Jimin didn't like to sing as much as he liked to dance.
Dancing… dancing is what Jimin is, but singing… singing is something he liked but didn't feel confident enough to pursue without dancing.
Jimin once told him he wouldn't have tried to become an idol if he couldn’t dance. He told Namjoon that when he was dancing, he felt invincible. He felt powerful. He felt like he could do it all.
Namjoon understood. He understood so well, so well he could feel it deep within him, in his veins and in his bones, like an ache of pure understanding, Namjoon understood.
It was how he felt about rapping. And he told Jimin he never thought he'd become an idol. He told him he just wanted to rap. He wanted to write and share his words and try to make his life mean something and Jimin nodded and then put on a face that Namjoon could no longer read.
Jimin often did that. He didn't like to cry in front of them. He didn't like to show weakness.
But Jimin wasn't weak. Even when he thought he was.
Namjoon just didn't know how he could tell him that.
And Jimin was nervous, but he still sang as best as he could and Namjoon smiled. He sounded nice. Jimin, unpolished and not trained to the fullest, was still amazing. And Namjoon knew he'd be even more amazing in the future.
"Good job, Jiminie. You sounded very stable. And really really nice. I can tell you've been practicing," Namjoon says when Jimin leaves the recording booth.
Jimin preens.
Namjoon smirks. Jimin is too cute for his own good.
"What is it?" Jimin frowns.
Namjoon laughs, leaning back in his chair. "You really like being praised, huh, Jiminie?"
Namjoon gets a kick out of watching Jimin's eyes go wide as he mutters out a shocked, "What the fuck, hyung~?"
Namjoon laughs even harder at that.
"It's cute, it's cute, don't worry."
Namjoon didn't entirely mean to say that, but it's too late to take it back now. Besides, Jimin's reaction makes it worth it when he blushes and crosses his arms in offense.
"I'm not cute."
He laughs again. "You can't it both ways, Jiminie. Some days you're out there saying we should pay attention to you because you're cute and sometimes I think you're going to knock me out for even suggesting that you're cute."
It was a part of Jimin's tough act. But Namjoon didn't say that part.
Jimin purses his lips as he considers the words. Finally, "I am cute." Another long pause. Namjoon wishes he knew what he was thinking. Jimin grins. "I'll still knock you out though."
He rushes over to Namjoon and immediately sits on his lap, play-hitting Namjoon's head in retaliation.
Namjoon feels warm all over and his hands wrap around Jimin instinctively so he doesn't fall off and Namjoon realizes Jimin is sitting on his lap and he's so cute, Namjoon doesn't understand how someone can be this cute, and Jimin's face is pressed slightly against his neck and when Namjoon registers the warm breath as Jimin's, Jimin is already hurrying to get off of him.
Jimin isn't looking at him when he mumbles a quiet, "Sorry, hyung." But then he does look at him. Namjoon feels overwhelmed and bemused.
He offers Jimin a smile. He doesn't know what's going on in Jimin's head, but he doesn’t want him to feel bad enough to apologize to Namjoon.
"It's no probl—"
Jimin leaves before he can even finish his sentence.
Namjoon blinks, staring after him for a few more long seconds before, finally, he turns back to face his computer. He still needed to record some more lines from Jimin, but… but it seems he isn't really in the mood right now.
Namjoon puts the headphones back over his head.
He'll ask Jimin about it later.
He doesn’t want to bother him.
2014
There comes a point in Namjoon's life that he thinks he'd be happy if at least his members could feel happy. Namjoon isn't so sure if he's happy or not. He hasn't quite figured out the way his own brain ticks and tocks and when Namjoon feels like he does, he just feels so angry.
He doesn't know if he wants that to be him. Someone so angry, someone so hateful. He doesn’t want to be that person.
(He just feels angry about so much. He feels angry about how the world is, how people are treated, how it feels like it's him against everyone else sometimes, how it feels like he's never going to really fit in, how it feels like he's failing the world and failing himself. He feels angry about the sadness and the anger and theunfairnessand—)
Namjoon doesn't know how to get a handle on those emotions. He doesn't know what to do about those emotions except to write.
But, as he grows even closer to the six other boys who are on the same path as him, he realizes he wants them to be happy.
He wants them to be happy.
Amongst his dreams that come and go, this is one of his first constant ones.
It inspires him.
They inspire him.
And he's scared to lose them.
If they don't do well, if they can't succeed and sell enough albums and reach enough people with their voices, he doesn't know if they'll remain friends. Namjoon feels uncomfortable even thinking about it.
He knows what would probably happen to him. He'd keep going. But he doesn't know what they would do.
That inspires him even more.
2015
Time passes. Jimin's been avoiding him.
It's driving Namjoon up the wall. Especially because Namjoon doesn’t even know why. He tries to figure it out on his own, tries to go back weeks in his head and analyze every conversation he had with him, but nothing of importance comes up.
He doesn't know why Jimin is avoiding him. He wishes he would stop though.
Namjoon finds him in the common area.
"Jiminie," he says, putting his hand on Jimin's shoulder easily. Jimin tenses up a bit under his touch, but he turns all the same.
"Moni?"
"I wanted to speak to you for a second. Is that cool?
"You just did," Jimin teases. Namjoon rolls his eyes. Jimin is still tense. Jimin is acting like he isn't though.
They walk together to a more private room. Namjoon shuts the door quietly.
"Is something wrong?" Jimin asks before turning around to face him. He isn't looking at Namjoon when he asks it though.
Namjoon hates how defeated he already feels. It's like Jimin doesn't even want to speak to him.
"You can do this," he whispers softly to himself. Jimin doesn't hear him.
Finally, Namjoon asks what's been troubling him for a week now. Like a Band-Aid. Rip it off.
"Are you mad at me? I've noticed you've been a bit weird with me recently and I just don't want any bad blood between us for any reason."
Jimin only laughs in response. Namjoon's stomach twists a weird way when he hears how it sounds. Jimin is underestimating him.
"I'm not mad at you. Sorry if it seems that way. I've just been a bit stressed recently."
Namjoon can tell it's the truth. That confuses him even more. But… but that's a good thing. Not the stress, obviously, but the fact that it's probably just stress and nothing more serious.
Namjoon feels his shoulders deflate as he takes that in, laughing softly. He's been an idiot. Of course Jimin wasn't mad at him. There was no reason for him to be. Plus, when Jimin is angry at someone, they'd definitely know.
"Yeah, that's a bit of an understatement. It's been a busy year and it's just begun."
Jimin nods. "Don't push yourself too hard, Namjoon-ah."
Namjoon's name sounds warm on Jimin's tongue. Like something he says often. It makes Namjoon feel just as warm. Namjoon clings to that feeling.
He grins at Jimin. "Back at you, Jiminie." He sighs. "Okay, well, I'm glad you aren't angry at me. That would have been shit."
Jimin shakes his head. "You make me happy, Joon-ah. Not angry."
Namjoon's stomach drops, his heart quickens, and all he can think is Shitas he looks back at Jimin. Jimin seems embarrassed by his words and all Namjoon can do is blink back at him.
He ducks his head, not able to meet Jimin's eyes, and scratches the back of his neck. "I'm glad then," he says. He smiles down at the floor fondly. He doesn't know what else to say.
But he looks back up and Jimin's eyes have a world of mystery to them.
They leave the room together, arms brushing ever so slightly, Namjoon's nerves blazing.
2015
Namjoon can't get it out of his head.
The way Jimin says his name.
"Namjoonie~!" Jimin giggles loudly, falling into Namjoon's lap as laughter overcomes him. Namjoon laughs brightly in response. Jimin peeks up at him.
"Namjoon-hyung."
He says it like Namjoon is the only one in the room. He says it like Namjoon won't hear it. He says it like he only wants Namjoon to hear. He says it like he wants the entire world to hear it.
Namjoon doesn't understand. He doesn't understand.
"Jimin, come onnn, I want to go shopping, come with me," Taehyung exclaims loudly from the door. Jimin heaves a big sigh but pushes himself up anyway, Namjoon's hand coming up to grip at his arms to stabilize him. Jimin grins at him.
"Thanks, Namjoonie-hyung."
Namjoon can't get it out of his head.
2015
"How much more do you think?"
"More what?" Yoongi responds.
Namjoon sighs sadly as he stares at the ceiling. "How much more do we have to work until we make it?"
Yoongi is quiet. Namjoon sighs again.
"Hey," Yoongi says. "Look at me."
Namjoon does. Yoongi smiles at him warmly.
"This year. I have a good feeling about this year."
"You said that last year too, hyung."
"Yah! I mean it. I feel like… I feel like we might be heard more this year. Just like we want, right?"
Namjoon nods. That is what he wants. He sighs again. He doesn't know what he wants.
He looks back up at the ceiling.
"Stop looking at the ceiling. Look at me."
Namjoon doesn’t.
"Namjoon-ah."
Namjoon looks at him. Yoongi smiles at him again. "We're going to make it, Namjoon. There's no way to go except up, right?"
"You're being weirdly positive. There is literally another way we could go. Down. Straight into even more debt and sadness. We lose our jobs. For fuck's sake, we haven't even won on one of those dumb music shows, yet."
Namjoon knows he's being negative. He doesn't care. He sighs again. So does Yoongi.
"You're right. But… I don't know. I think we'll make it. We've already started gaining some fans. And who cares what some asshole has to say? Who cares about the music shows?" He leans forward. "We'll make it because we matter, Namjoon. We're trying to speak up for kids who don't have someone to speak up for them. We'll be heard by a lot of people. We need to believe this." Namjoon gives him a look and Yoongi sighs. "Yes, I know I'm being positive as shit. Jimin and Taehyung said some good things to me today about our popularity and it's put me in good spirits, okay…? Stop looking at me like that or I'll hit you."
Namjoon laughs. He feels better.
"Thank you, hyung."
Yoongi rolls his eyes. "Stop working so damn hard. Play a video game tonight or something. Go call Jimin 'cute' for the fifth time today. Whatever you're best at."
Namjoon pointedly ignores that as he laughs again.
"Only way to go but up, right?"
"See? Exactly. You're getting it now."
Namjoon's answering laugh is loud loud loud.
2015
"Hyung?"
Namjoon rolls over and frowns.
"Jeonggukie? What are you doing? What time is it?"
"I was told to wake you up. I guess your alarm didn't go off."
Namjoon shoots up, reaching for his phone immediately and groaning when he sees he forgot to charge it last night. "What time is it?"
"Don't worry. We aren't late to anything. But… hyung?"
Namjoon blinks sleepily up at Jeongguk. Jeongguk looks… sad.
"What's wrong?"
Jeongguk sighs. "It's dumb."
"I doubt it's dumb if it's got you so upset. What's going on?"
Jeongguk heaves a sigh. "It's just… there was this girl."
Namjoon sits up a little straighter. "Oh?"
Jeongguk sighs again and sits down. He looks so sad. Namjoon feels like he knows where this conversation is going.
"What happened?"
Jeongguk is quiet for a long time. Quiet long enough that Namjoon can hear the bustling of the other members in the kitchen and living room. Quiet enough that Namjoon starts to count his own breaths.
"We were… talking for a bit. I really liked her. I thought she really liked me. But today, she comes to me and just—this sounds kind of random—but she told me she doesn't think she liked boys. Like, at all."
Namjoon blinks. He wasn't expecting that.
"Oh," is all he says. Jeongguk is staring at him expectantly. Namjoon coughs.
It's too early for this, he wants to say. It's the easy way out. It's the easy way out because sometimes, when he talks about things like this, he gets an uncomfortable feeling deep in his stomach. He doesn't know what it means, but it's there. And Namjoon's gotten especially good at ignoring it. But he takes in Jeongguk again and he sees how wide and confused his eyes are and Namjoon gives in.
It's never too early for this. Not if Namjoon makes it so.
He coughs again.
"What are you… confused about exactly?"
Jeongguk shakes his head. "I'm not confused. It just. Kind of sucks. I really liked her, you know? But at the same time, I'm happy for her? I want the best for her. And also I feel really bad about feeling sad about this. Like, I shouldn't have wanted her at all. I don't know." He looks down. "I just wanted to talk to someone about it, I guess. It's just… interesting, right? And sad."
Namjoon frowns. "Sad?"
Jeongguk looks up at him, panicked. "Wait, no, not because she's like, gay, but because I mean… she's not really accepted in our society. I know people who don't like gay people. And that. Sucks. It just really sucks, shit."
And then Jeongguk starts crying, looking back down at his lap. And Namjoon panics.
"Hey, hey, hey, Jeongguk, it's okay. I mean, it's not okay, but… why are you crying?"
Jeongguk wipes at his eyes, sniffling. "It's just she's great and thinking about her being gay and all and liking girls and I guess that makes her a lesbian, I don't know, but thinking about people not liking her because of that sucks. It sucks a lot. And it isn't fair."
Namjoon smiles fondly at Jeongguk. Jeongguk is better than anyone else his age. Namjoon doesn't think he'll ever stop believing this. Jeongguk's heart is strong and beautiful.
"Hey, it'll be okay, really. The world is starting to catch up with gay rights and stuff and… it'll be okay, Jeongguk. Even if it isn't right now, the world will get better. You believe that, right?"
Jeongguk nods. He wipes at his tears one last time.
"I'm sorry for crying, hyung."
"Nooo, it's okay to cry, Jeonggukie. It's okay, you're okay, really. I understand why you're sad. It's okay to be sad about it."
Jeongguk nods again, sniffling loudly. He looks up at Namjoon.
"Hyung?"
"What is it?" Namjoon responds kindly.
Jeongguk purses his lips. "I think Jimin is gay. Or that he… likes… men."
Namjoon blinks and then frowns. "Why do you think this, Jeongguk?"
Jeongguk looks away. "Not because of like, dumb reasons. You know, like stereotypes and stuff. But I don't know. Sometimes he just… he… I feel like he's just hiding part of himself? Does that make sense?"
Namjoon thinks about it. He agrees. Jimin does hide behind a mask, but Namjoon doesn't want to assume it's that kind of mask. He doesn't want to overthink this either. Namjoon has a tendency to overthink things sometimes.
"I know what you mean, but if he does like men, I'm sure he'll tell us. And even if he never does, that's okay too. And if he doesn't, then he doesn't. Don't bother him about it though, okay?"
Jeongguk nods vigorously. "Of course. That's why I came to you," he blushes.
"Good." He puts his hand on Jeongguk's back and smiles. "I'm glad you talked to me, Jeongguk. We can talk anytime, okay? About anything. I'm always here for you."
Jeongguk blushes more and smiles. "Thanks, hyung. I'm here for you too. If you ever want to talk."
Namjoon grins wider. "Noted. Now, leave. I have to go pee so badly."
Jeongguk scurries off and Namjoon goes back to pointedly ignoring how his stomach feels like it's twisted into knots.
(He fails.)
2015
Namjoon's entire body feels like it's aching. He feels like clock parts that don't quite fit into each other, but it still works, he still works, but only just barely.
Namjoon is tired. Exhausted. He took a long nap earlier today and he yearns for another one.
His mixtape is going to be released soon. At least, that’s the plan. And he's finished all the songs already, but he's still stressed. He's stressed that it won't be received well. He's stressed that maybe he tried too hard. He's stressed he didn't try enough.
Namjoon isn't even doing anything productive. He knows this. He's worrying about nothing at all and that makes him more stressed than anything else.
He closes his eyes, sleepily moving his body to his couch seat by the door. He doesn't open his eyes.
He—
A knock on the door is what startles him.
"Hyung?"
It's Jimin. Namjoon groans as he sits back and realizes how badly his neck hurts. Jimin walks in before Namjoon can say anything at all.
Jimin smiles down at him. "Are you okay?" The amusement is clear in his tone.
Namjoon shrugs. He doesn't want to talk right now. Jimin raises an eyebrow, going over and sitting in his desk chair and then scooting over until he's facing Namjoon straight on.
"Are you okay, Namjoon?"
Namjoon nods. "I'm tired," he finally says.
"How long were you out?"
Namjoon shrugs again. "What time is it?"
"Almost two."
"Just an hour then."
Jimin hums, tilting his head as he takes in Namjoon. Namjoon feels seen under his gaze and despite the small amount of discomfort growing within him, he appreciates it. Jimin has a way of making Namjoon feel appreciated. Jimin does that for everyone.
Not everyone can do that. Namjoon always hopes that Jimin knows this.
"Thank you, Jiminie."
Jimin blinks, flushing. "What?"
Namjoon smiles. "Thank you. For caring about me. And worrying about me. And checking up on me. Thank you."
Jimin seems shocked. And it makes Namjoon feel all sorts of things. It makes all the disparate clock parts that make him up come together and start ticking. God, Namjoon is more tired than he thought.
Finally, Jimin lets out a sigh. "You look cute."
"What?"
Jimin smirks at him. "I said you look cute. Kind of sexy, hyung."
"Where is this coming from?"
"I don't know. You started talking about feelings and now I'm panicking. But also… thank you, hyung. I care about you a lot, Namjoon."
It's the name. It's how Jimin says that always reels Namjoon in. And Namjoon doesn’t know why.
Namjoon laughs, reaching forward and putting his hand on Jimin's knee. "Yeah," he says. "I care about you a lot too."
2015
It's been a few days since Namjoon has seen Jimin. They're both busy, especially with everything going on, and it's been a few days. Namjoon misses him. He wants to know how he is.
So, he gets up and goes to where he knows Jimin is. At home.
Nobody greets him when he walks in. He can hear some of them though so after putting his things away, he goes to look for Jimin.
It's when he's walking though… that Namjoon tries to understand why he feels so nervous. This isn't something to be anxious over. He's walking slower.
He wants to see Jimin. But… why is he scared, then?
And it hits Namjoon. Simply and easily and Namjoon just stares at the wall in front of him and stops walking altogether.
Oh.
He's standing right in front of Jimin's room and he sees Jimin, just vaguely, almost like an afterthought he can't stop thinking about, and Namjoon feels like a fool.
"Ow, fuck."
Namjoon blinks, seeing that Jimin's finger is bleeding. He grabs a tissue from the desk as he walks in.
"You okay?"
Jimin looks up and sees him finally and Namjoon's a fool. A complete dumbass. An idiot. And he just wonders how long it's been. How long do these feelings of his trace back to?
Namjoon hands him the tissue. Jimin takes it.
"Thanks," Jimin mumbles, applying pressure to the cut. Namjoon eyes it quickly. It looks like a paper-cut.
Namjoon clears his throat. "How has your day been? I haven't talked to you in a while."
Jimin is quiet for a second, grimacing slightly. He shrugs. "I'm okay."
Namjoon smiles. "I'm glad."
Jimin shrugs again. Jimin's cute when he's embarrassed.
"It's important that you're okay," Namjoon says, half-teasing, half-serious. There's an underlying message under those words, but he hopes Jimin doesn't pick up on it.
Jimin, however, just frowns at him.
He's fucking cute, Namjoon thinks. And without thinking about anything else, he's leaning in and and and he kisses Jimin's forehead.
"N-Namjoon," Jimin breathes out, shocked.
It's okay, he thinks. Namjoon smiles at Jimin.
"Don't push yourself too hard, remember?" Namjoon sounds like an idiot saying it. But Jimin doesn't say anything.
He just nods. And says nothing.
When Namjoon finally forces himself to walk away, he goes into his room, closes his eyes, and forces himself to calm the fuck down.
2015
"Taehyung?"
Taehyung's on his bed. He looks up at Namjoon's entrance.
"Hey."
"What are you doing in my room?"
"It's Jeongguk's room too, you know."
"Okay, but you're on my bed."
Taehyung grins at him.
"I wanted to talk to you, hyung."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. Sit."
Namjoon huffs but sits down anyway. Taehyung takes his hands in his.
"Can I talk to you about something?"
Namjoon nods. "Of course, Taehyung."
Taehyung looks down. "Okay, well, Jeongguk told me to ask you about it."
Namjoon frowns. He's confused.
"Oookay?"
"Do you know Troye Sivan?"
"Yes. Well. Not personally, but I know who he is, yeah."
"Jeongguk wants to do a cover with you."
Namjoon's lips quirk up. "And Jeongguk can't say this to me himself whyyy?"
Taehyung grins. "Actually, he was going to. But I wanted to talk to you about something else too."
"What is it?"
"Who do you think is the cutest out of BTS?"
It's a weird question. But Namjoon thinks about it seriously. He pokes Taehyung's nose.
"You are."
Taehyung rolls his eyes. "It's Jimin. You're wrong."
Namjoon agrees. He doesn't say anything though.
"Why are you asking me this?"
"I'm just curious. But… seriously, hyung?"
Namjoon nods slowly, but finally just laughs. "Jimin. Jiminie is so cute." God, it sounds weird even to his ears. Now that it means something. Namjoon blushes. "Why?"
Taehyung shakes his head. "Nothing." And then he's hugging Namjoon. He's hugging him tightly tightly so so tightly. "I love you a lot, hyung."
It feels raw and real and Namjoon just nods again.
Taehyung is gone before he can come up with a response.
2015
"Almost a new year," Yoongi says after they order their drinks.
Seokjin hums. "Excited?"
Yoongi shrugs. "I guess."
"I am," Jimin says. Namjoon looks at him. He's looking back at him. Namjoon looks away. "Hopefully next year will be a great one. Even better than this year."
"Yeah," Namjoon agrees. "I think it will be."
He looks back at Jimin. Jimin's still looking at him. He smiles and their drinks arrive.
Namjoon feels fuzzy and happy as the night ends and Seokjin is telling a serious story that's somehow the funniest thing ever.
He laughs and smiles dopily. This is nice. Being out like this with people he cares about is nice. Hoseok didn't want to come, opting to go to bed early and Jeongguk and Taehyung took the opportunity to play video games on the big TV in their living room. They moved this year. Namjoon smiles wider when he remembers that. They're moving up.
Jimin is halfway sprawled across Yoongi who keeps trying to push him off but failing miserably, Seokjin still telling his "serious" story while also laughing at Yoongi.
Jimin laughs loudly and drunkenly. He definitely has had a bit more to drink than the rest of us and Namjoon feels fond amusement seep through his skin and spread all throughout his body.
Namjoon isn't speaking to anyone right now. He gets like this when he's drunk sometimes. Not wanting to talk, only wanting to observe. He's like that now. And he observes.
He can't look away from Jimin.
"I should tell you," he says. He blinks when he hears his own voice. The three of them look over at him, Yoongi frowning and scrunching up his eyes in the way Namjoon teases him for. Seokjin looks shocked for some reason. Jimin is… Jimin is here. And he's smiling at Namjoon.
"What, N-Namjoonie?"
Namjoon shakes his head. "Nothing. I'm not here~"
Jimin laughs and Seokjin nods seriously. Yoongi's entire face looks disturbed.
They soon ignore him again which is what he prefers. And Jimin is still here and he's still as great as ever and Namjoon should tell him.
He should tell him. He should tell him.
Besides, what harm could it bring? Truly? What would it do? Even if it was awkward, the two of them are mature enough to not make it mean something. Namjoon thinks he's really fucking drunk.
He starts laughing.
Jimin glances at him, flushing deeply and Namjoon keeps laughing.
Namjoon really really loves Jimin. He really does.
And in his drunken stupor, Namjoon looks at Jimin and and and
"Namjoon-hyung?" Jimin's voice is quiet. His hand is on his shoulder. Namjoon looks up at him.
Jimin says his name like it means something. He's always thought this. And maybe he knows what it could mean.
"Jimin."
Because Namjoon says Jimin's name like it means something.
And Namjoon knows what that means.
So. So so so so so so so—
"You look really nerdy," says Jimin.
Namjoon heaves a big sigh. "You do too. But. Not. You know?" Namjoon doesn't even think that he knows but Jimin gives a loud laugh like he does and it's all good.
Everything is good.
Namjoon's going to tell him.
2016
Namjoon is sitting outside in the nearby park when he calls his mother. He misses her. He wants to hear her voice. He misses her.
She picks up quickly.
"Sweetie?"
"Mom."
"What's wrong?"
Nothing, not really. He just misses her. He wanted to speak to her. He wanted to—
"I'm in love with Jimin."
Say that. He hasn't ever talked to his mom about this kind of thing. He still didn't really know if he was gay or bisexual or whatever other labels there are, but at this point, he doesn't even care. He isn't interested in anyone else. Just Jimin.
She's silent for a long time. Namjoon vaguely wonders if she heard his cover of Troye Sivan's Fools. Not that she'd even suspect anything from that. Namjoon thinks he's trying to make an excuse. Make up an excuse as to why he didn't say something early. But… but he's saying something now. That's good, right?
"Namjoon."
Namjoon is scared. It's a big deal what he just said. It's a big deal to be in love with another man, especially here, especially within his own heart. Namjoon doesn't know what he's getting himself into. He doesn’t know anything. This is a big deal, right? This is a thing. This is the sort of thing Jeongguk might go to Taehyung about and whisper that he thinks that maybe Namjoon is gay and god is Namjoon gay?
Namjoon has no idea. He hasn’t even thought about any of that. It was like as soon as he realized he loved Jimin, nothing really mattered. It didn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Shit.
"Namjoon," he hears again. "Are you there? Are you okay?"
He nods even though she can't see him. It's a bit chilly outside.
"I'm here."
She sighs. And still, says nothing else. Namjoon feels like he's tipping over the edge. He feels like whatever she says will determine if he falls or not.
He really hopes he doesn't fall.
"I love you, Namjoon. No matter what. I love you and your sister more than anything in this world. You will never understand just how much I love you."
She stops speaking and Namjoon thinks she might add more. He thinks that she might make this entire thing or whatever it is into a big deal. But, he waits a bit longer and she still remains quiet and there's… nothing.
He has no idea how she feels. Except that she loves him.
And… and strangely, that's enough. It's enough for right now. He doesn’t this to be a thing. He doesn’t want to really think about it. He just wants to think about the main thing.
"I really really love him, Mom."
"Are you going to tell him?"
"Yes," he responds. It's easy to say it. He knows it'll be hard to do it, but once he's set his heart on doing something, Namjoon knows it'll happen.
"I love you, Namjoon," is what she responds with. It's a comfort. "How do you think he'll take it?"
Namjoon thinks about it. He doesn't know. "I don't know." Probably well? "Probably well?" He doesn't know. "I really don't know. That's the part that makes it scary."
"Do you think Jimin loves you?" she asks. It's basically what she just asked, but at the same time, it's not. It's more specific and it's more of a demanding question just in nature and it makes Namjoon think.
"I don't know," he repeats. But he thinks he does. He's thought about it for years. He's noticed it for years. Namjoon has just been too wrapped up in his own head and their growing fame to notice. "I think he… likes me. But that doesn't have to mean something serious. I don't know."
It's honest. She sighs again, a deep sigh filled with the mother's want to comfort her child and Namjoon finds comfort in her once more.
"It'll all turn out okay, Namjoon. Even if it doesn't right now, it will. I think you should tell him. I love you so much. I always wish for your happiness, son. Always."
Namjoon bites his lip, trying not to cry. He nods again.
"Thank you, Mom," he finally manages to reply. His throat feels choked up and he sounds on the verge of tears in his response but she says nothing. It's what he needed to hear. She's always been so good at telling him what he needed to hear. "Thank you," he repeats.
"I love you, Namjoon. We all do. We always will. Be the best you can be, which is just you."
"I will."
She hums thoughtful, says a few more parting words, and then they disconnect the call. Namjoon tilts his head back and watches the stars. He can see some of them tonight. They're beautiful and bright and Namjoon swallows a sob as he brings his hand up to wipe at a few tears.
Namjoon is going to tell him.
And the stars are bright.
2016
One week later, Namjoon is back in the same park when he calls Jimin. He's been here for an hour already, nervous and waiting for Jimin to get out of his vocal lessons. It's late.
"Namjoon?" filters in Jimin's soft voice through the phone. Hearing his name convinces Namjoon to do this. He has to do this. Even if just for his own sanity. Even if just to let Jimin know.
"Hey, Jimin."
"Yeah?"
Namjoon looks at the ground. "Could you come meet me?"
A pause. "Er, sure. Where are you?"
Namjoon looks back up. "I'm at the park. You know the one, right around the corner."
A sigh. "Hyung, I'm coming from vocal lessons and I'm really tired…"
Namjoon sucks in a breath. Jimin is right. It's too late. He probably wants to go home. "Oh, I'm sorry," he says awkwardly. "Right. Of course. You don't have—"
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes, Moni," Jimin says. The nickname makes Namjoon smile.
"Okay, Jimin. Yeah. Cool."
Namjoon wonders if he should say something else, but then Jimin hangs up.
And he's left to wait.
Namjoon had transported himself to the swings when Jimin arrives. He watches him walk toward him and with every step, Namjoon grew more nervous. This is horrible. Namjoon feels like he's going to throw up.
"Hey," Jimin greets when he's right in front of Namjoon. Jimin sits on the swing beside him.
"Jimin."
Jimin says nothing, looking around and Namjoon can't take his eyes off him. He's breathtaking.
"Can I… can I ask you something, Jimin-ssi?"
Jimin looks back at him and nods.
Namjoon nods too. His stomach is a whirlwind. He may very well vomit. He sighs and clenches his fists in an effort not to.
Namjoon should tell him. Or ask him if he likes him. But, instead, he asks, "How was your walk over?"
Jimin looks bemused. "Is that what you wanted to ask?"
Namjoon shakes his head. Jimin bites his lips but he answers nonetheless.
"It was… it was nice. The weather is nice."
Jimin is right. The weather is nice. God, Namjoon is stalling.
He nods. "Yeah. It is," he replies lamely.
Jimin hums.
It goes quiet again, nothing being heard except for the sound of the trees and their breathing and the press of their feet against the ground every now and then and it's everything incredibly peaceful and Namjoon is absolutely terrified.
This is frustrating. Why can't he just say it?
"Is it scary to say out loud?" Jimin asks, crashing into his thoughts and shattering them. Namjoon sighs.
"Yes."
Jimin looks sad. "Oh."
Namjoon sighs again. This is horrible. It's not going well at all. He needs to just say it. But… he's afraid.
Jimin's growing concern is obvious and Namjoon almost feels bad.
"You don't have to tell me, Joonie. Whatever it is you want to tell me."
It's a way out.
Namjoon refuses to take it and shakes his head.
"No, I want to ask it. It'll keep driving me insane if I can't."
Jimin nods at his vague response. Namjoon feels like his heart is going to burst out of his chest.
"Okay," says Jimin.
And… nothing. They say nothing. Namjoon looks up at the stars again. There aren't as many out tonight, but he can still see a few. A few cars pass, reminding him of the outside world, reminding him that an entire world exists outside of Jimin and him.
Should he do this?
Should he say this?
The sky screams out a yes.
"Okay, I think I'm ready now," Namjoon says. Jimin tilts his head as he takes him in understandingly. He looks adorable. Just say it, Namjoon thinks. Say it. "Do you like me, Jimin?"
He said it.
Namjoon takes in Jimin's response with nervousness. Jimin's eyes grow wide, he sucks in a breath, released it, and then asks, "What do you mean?"
Namjoon feels so so embarrassed. He should have phrased it better. Now, Jimin is confused and it's just awkward all-around. Shit.
"Shit. I mean… if you don't, it's okay, I'm just asking, but… do you like me?"
Once again, Jimin seems confused. He just frowns at Namjoon.
"I like you, yes," finally responds Jimin.
It's vague. It's vague and absolutely maddening. Does Jimin know what he means? Is he not getting it? Is he trying to turn Namjoon down? Namjoon scrunches his nose.
"No, I mean—why the fuck is this so hard—do you have a crush on me? Do you like me… in a romantic way?"
He sounds like a child. Namjoon nearly wants to close his eyes with how embarrassed he is.
But then.
Jimin starts crying.
Namjoon panics. "Jimin!" he exclaims, jumping off the swing and kneeling in front of Jimin as he pulls him in for a hug. "No, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, no, fuck, please don't cry, I'm so sorry—"
Jimin cries harder into him. Namjoon feels every emotion hitting him at once. He feels bad. He shouldn't have done this. He ruined it.
"You don't have to tell me, Jimin. I'm sorry." And he means it. He means it wholeheartedly. If Jimin never wanted to tell him any of this, Namjoon would be okay. As long as he didn't have to see Jimin be crying the way he is now.
Jimin sniffs against him. "And what if I do? What if I do love you, Namjoon?"
Namjoon almost doesn't process what was just said, too panicked by everything else going on, but then he does and he feels like he can't breathe.
"You love me?"
Jimin stops moving. Namjoon can't breathe. Jimin tries to push him away. Namjoon lets him. He can't breathe, his body falling until he's simply sitting on the hard ground looking up at Jimin.
"I didn't say that," Jimin says. He's wiping away tears. Namjoon wants to kiss him. Namjoon hates that he made him cry. Namjoon never wants Jimin to feel sad. Namjoon… "Why? What the fuck is this, Namjoon?"
Namjoon blinks. Jimin is angry. "Jimin, no, let me explain first before you become more upset."
Thankfully, Jimin does as he says. Namjoon straightens up, reaching forward to take Jimin's hands in his own. Jimin feels warm and flushed. Namjoon knows he's the same. Jimin may love him back. Jimin may love him back.
He looks straight into Jimin's eyes. "If you loved me, Jimin, I'd tell you that I love you back. If you only liked me, Jimin, I'd tell you that I loved you back. And… and if I made a mistake in my interpretations, I'd tell you I love you so much, but you don't have to and that's okay and that I just wanted to let you know."
Jimin shakes his head and shakes it again, his breathing quickening and Namjoon is there, all right there for him, he always wants to be and he squeezes his hands tightly tightly tightly because he has to let this beautiful beautiful man know that Namjoon is always going to be here for him. Always.
"You love me too?" Jimin finally whispers and when Namjoon hears it, his heart bursts out of his chest, out of his veins, out of every single part in him, and he can't let go of Jimin's hands, Jimin's hands are his lifeline right now, and Namjoon's head falls into Jimin's lap as he begins to weep.
It's okay, he thinks to himself. He loves you too. It's okay. It's okay.
"You do love me," Namjoon whispers. It sounds almost like a prayer. Jimin's hands are in his hair and Namjoon can't stop crying.
"How did you know?" is all Jimin responds with.
Namjoon has to laugh. How did he know? He knew because he just did. He knew because it was Jimin. He knew because he was Namjoon.
But he knew because of his name.
"It's the way you said my name. It's the way you say my name."
Jimin laughs too. Namjoon can barely focus on what's going on, holding onto him tightly.
"Namjoon," comes Jimin's light and bright voice. Namjoon finally pulls back, resting his hand on Jimin's cheek.
He smiles. "Yeah. Like that."
Jimin smiles back at him. "Namjoon," he says again. And it hurts. It makes Namjoon ache for Jimin in a way he hadn't truly before, not really.
Jimin says his name like it means something. And apparently, it does.
Namjoon kisses him. And Jimin kisses him back. He smiles and laughs and Jimin captures each moment and Namjoon feels ecstatic and giddy and happy and everything good in this world, Jimin is everything good in this world.
"Jimin."
Jimin pulls away, placing his head against Namjoon's neck.
"Taehyung told me you thought I was cute."
Namjoon smiles wider. "I've been telling you that you're cute since you joined the group."
Jimin laughs happily. Namjoon's grip on him tightens. He's never letting him go.
"Yeah," Jimin sighs. "That's what he said."
Cute, Namjoon thinks.
And he kisses Jimin once more in the park where it's just the two of them, no other world in sight.