Archive of Our Own

One day, he was going to get a husband.

He wanted it more than anything else in this world. Even when his parents screamed at each other outside of his door, he wanted a husband. He wanted to break the cycle of divorce, of loveless love. He wanted to be held, loved by someone. More than anything in this world, Roman wanted love.

Although the music he blasted through his headphones didn’t muffle all the screaming, all the insults and “Fuck you!”s, all the questions of why his mom didn’t just leave his dad if she hated him so much, he could pretend the outside to his room didn’t exist. He dreamed of this hypothetical man, waiting for his prince to come.

—

One day, Roman was gonna stop crying about this.

He tried his hardest, even on his loneliest nights. He kept his mind on Disney, or his homework, his job, rehearsals, anything other than being sprawled face-first in his bed and moping. But Roman was too caught in the depressing thoughts he wants to avoid to notice his steps were anything but quiet. He was stomping down his hallway, barely stopping himself from slamming his door behind him. There was a pit in his chest, a feeling he knew better than any other emotion. Loneliness.

On one hand, he wanted to bask in it. He wanted to lie in his misery, be hateful of the world and everything that had led up to this. Maybe cry for a solid forty minutes for good measure, maybe then Roman would finally calm down. Would finally stop looking at the things held inside his phone that were only hurting him more. Messages, the photo, a crystal ring on his right hand that held all the things that made him want to sleep it all away. Things that held the cold, hard truth; Patton wasn’t coming back. And Roman didn’t have the heart to accept that.

His feet carried themselves to his bedroom, plopping face first in a hoard of pillows covered in Disney. It didn’t take long to realize how hard it was to breathe with your face shoved in fabric, so Roman flipped over on his side and stared at his wall instead. He didn’t blink, only stared at the ukulele on the other side of the room like it had personally attacked him.

That photo felt like it had gone through Roman’s eyes and burned a seething hole right in his chest. A sinking, nauseous feeling with a touch of the unbearable fear of abandonment he was forced to face right now. The person who had been his only constant for the last five years left without a care in the world. Even after ten months, it still hurt. But with that, a thought so unbearably true, crossed Roman’s mind in that moment. It’s hurting you, but not him. Patton’s doing just fine. He’s already forgotten about you.

Well, just because it’s true doesn’t mean you should say it.

That wasn’t even Roman being dramatic this time, it was true . Patton just wasn’t...Patton anymore, not the sweet and kind and bubbly personality he loved. He had a different air to him. He made jokes that made Roman uneasy, hung out with all the people Roman couldn’t dare to trust, always seemed so unnaturally mature now. He wasn’t his Patton. His Patton didn’t smile like that. His smile was too different now. It wasn’t bubbly, just sheer joy and unapologetic amusement anymore, it had a different air to it. Roman couldn’t describe it, but he knew. Patton’s smile was different, he was sure of it.

So many thoughts. So many memories with Patton etched all over them, searching for the moment where things could have possibly gone wrong, what colossal mistake Roman must have made to cost him the most important person in his life but he didn’t want to accept that it was that moment, the moment he knew was the mistake, but dammit Roman can only take so much rejection before he snaps .

But then again, maybe he already did.

He couldn’t take it anymore. So many thoughts, way too many thoughts, he needed something to occupy his hands with and as much of his brain as his brain would cooperate with. He got up and grabbed the ukulele that he had been staring at for a solid five minutes and sat back down on his bed. At first, he just played some random notes, watching and hearing the vibrations, tuning it a little, but that in itself can only do so much. So instead, Roman decided to play a song he felt matched his present feelings as well as it could. A singer he follows online, one of his first songs ever created, that expressed the same things Roman couldn’t seem to get out without crying on the floor. As the introducing piano played in his mind, waiting for his own part with his fingers already placed, Roman’s mind drifted to the past. Old memories that leave a bitter taste in his mouth now.

Freshman year, Roman’s fourth period gym class that he was only a part of for the graduation requirement. Although the actor was an amazing dancer for the school plays, he couldn’t hit a volleyball correctly to save his life. He didn’t know how to hold a football and stood in the corner during the soccer games they had. Though, perfect for Roman, the gym teachers were so laid back that it didn’t matter how much he genuinely participated, his grade was still a 100. Even though he was embarrassed in front of his classmates, at least he was getting that credit.

But there was one problem: Group stuff. When it was time for everyone to pair up with partners, Roman was always the kid awkwardly teamed up with whoever didn’t make it to a friend in time. With all the athletic kids or the popular girls that didn’t even bother to participate, Roman felt like the outlier. No group partner he’d had managed to stick at all, and it was both annoying and hurtful. He couldn’t keep a partner for one semester class.

That is, until this specific group work.

It was the beginning of a badminton unit, so Roman stood around waiting for the inevitable person to practice the hits with until class was over. When his partner did come over, it was a person with curly blonde hair, chubby with a pair of black, thick-rimmed glasses on their face. Their smile was bright and bubbly, yet shy as they walked up to the person they had never talked with before. At first glance and a while after that, Roman thought he was a girl.

But then again, he thought he was a girl once too.

“You can have the toaster and the PC…”

“Hi!” He greeted, worn out tennis shoes walking across the gym floor to stand next to Roman. “I’m Leah, what’s your name?”

“Or even my Timothy Green DVD…”

Roman’s brain took a moment to process. “Uh, Mia. Let’s go get some rackets to get this over with.”

Patton’s laughter reassured Roman that his words had managed to come off as a joke. Good. Usually he sounded too serious when he was nervous. “I’m absolutely gonna fail at this. I can’t do any sport to save my life.”

“I feel that on a personal level. But hey, maybe this will be the secret sport you’re so gifted at you can take to the Olympics.”

“Let’s find out! ...If they even have badminton in the Olympics…”

“I’ll let you have the couch, and the PC…”

Badminton was not the miracle sport for either of them. While the other teams had managed to hit the birdie ten, fifteen times until it fell, Roman and Patton were cheering when they got to three. But honestly, they were both more focused on talking to the other than really practicing for the game. Turned out, Roman really liked Patton. He was a good person, apparently also in three of his core classes, and as bubbly and smart as a person could be. They told stories, talked about themselves, laughed and joked as if they’d been friends their whole lives. It was one of the most fun days Roman had ever had in his Freshman year.

Because that one moment in gym, he made a friend. His first best friend since elementary school. His first friend that genuinely seemed like a real friend to him. At least, at the time, but that time led to what made Roman realize what it felt like not to feel alone. To have someone by your side for five years.

Until it all came crashing down .

“ Hang on to that jacket that you bought for me …” Roman couldn’t help it at this point. That memory had such a sour taste to it now, once everything was all said and done. Once he lost what he thought he never could. Never would.

“ I don’t really care, you can keep the things we used to share ,” Roman’s mind went to a closer memory. One that took place not even three months ago, and he felt his body tense at it. “ But what did you do with my heart? ”

It was the college’s LGBT group a little over two months ago, one that Roman joined because he figured it’d be a good place to make some friends, and at first, seemed like things could only get better with how he saw Patton in the corner for the first day. Excited to see his best friend, Roman ran up to him and another person he was talking with. “Patton! Hello there, my little puffball!”

Patton didn’t give much of a greeting, but he brushed it off once he noticed that he was in the middle of telling something to this other guy. Roman first noticed that he and Patton had the same glasses, but also wondered what kind of college student would ever wear a tie and polo shirt to places. But who knows, maybe he just got back from a presentation.

The night passed with Roman sticking to Patton and the other guy (Logan, he later found out) considering they were the only two people who knew there. They talked off in the corner, but Roman didn’t realize until later that really, he was listening more than he was talking. Because Patton wasn’t paying equal attention.

“What did you do with my heart?”

He doesn’t remember how they got to that topic, really. Maybe it’s because the aftermath shocked him so much, but all he really remembers was Patton’s response to something Logan had said. “I don’t have a best friend.”

Roman, in joking offense, scoffed and put a hand to his chest. “Wow. Rude.”

Apparently, Roman was the only one that was joking.

“No, really.” Patton said, turning to Roman with complete seriousness. No remorse in sight. “I mean, yeah, I’m close to you, but you’re not my best friend. I just think best friends are childish.”

Roman’s heart stopped.

“No more fireworks, no more compass,”

Childish. They were childish, according to Patton. According to the person Roman considered his best friend. According to Roman’s supposed best friend, having a best friend was childish. His lungs filled with dry ice, so cold they burned. His stomach was made of lead. Childish.

“You didn’t leave a single butterfly in my stomach, you took my spyglass, no knowing what lies ahead...”

Suddenly, the very ground Roman was standing on burned. The name tag was searing a whole through his shirt, the building’s air filled with toxin. He needed to leave. The meeting hadn’t even started yet, but he need to leave.

So he did. And he didn’t come back, not saying a single word to anyone that was there, including Patton. He just left.

And Patton never said a word about it.

“ You took my warmth at night but left a dent in my bed...” That one hurt a lot. How ignorant Patton seemed to be about what Roman might feel if he said something like that. He likes to think that maybe he just didn’t know, maybe Roman made a mistake at some point, for Patton to think their friendship had no chance of surviving, so he gave up. But he searched and searched and searched...and he couldn’t find it.

“ I don’t really care you can keep the things we used to share,” Four years ago, Roman never thought that he’d be here, singing a song like this and thinking of Patton. “ But what did you do with my heart?”

But Roman also didn’t expect to ever be more than friends with Patton. At least, not five years ago.

Not until after that night under the stairs.

“ What did you do with my heart?”

Sophomore year, fifteen minutes before Roman was getting ready for a final rehearsal before his winter orchestra concert. Patton had come over to watch since none of Roman’s family was coming, walking around with him around the school to pass the time before Roman had to go back to the orchestra room. They ended up walking down one of the wings, until Roman pulled Patton under the stairs with shaky hands. He’d been meaning to do this for a while, but he wanted to do it in person, and Patton was usually so busy…

But today, Patton was right in front of him. And he decided to take his chance. “I want to tell you something.”

Patton’s eyes widened with worry, and Roman grew a little frantic. “Nothing bad! At least, I hope it’s not bad, cause you’re my best friend and I wouldn’t want you to think I’m bad-”

“Mia,” Patton said, placing a hand on Roman’s arm. “You’re rambling.”

“Right, yeah…” A deep breath, a small smile, then the words managed to come out. “I’m gay.”

Patton’s reaction was instant, no hesitation, no thought, just an immediate smile and bouncing on his feet in joy. “Mia I’m so proud of you!”

Patton flung himself at Roman, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing as hard as he could in joy. For a moment, Roman froze. Although yes, it felt nice to have his best friend holding him...Roman can’t remember the last time he was hugged. If he ever was. He didn’t know where to put his arms, or if he was just supposed to just stand there and take it. But before Roman could figure out what he wanted to do, Patton had pulled back, smiling at him.

“You’ve stripped me of my pride, that’s for the best,”

The two talked a little more as they began to walk Roman back to the orchestra room, his high heels clicking on the floor like a principal walking down the hallways. Roman first came out as a lesbian before he knew anything else about himself. Before he knew that he was trans, and had assumed that his lack of attraction toward anyone was a lack of attraction to boys only. Although he had heard of the terms aromantic and asexual, Roman was convinced those weren’t for him. Aromantic people didn’t want to marry. Roman wanted that more than anything in the world.

So, he was convinced for three years that he was a gay cis woman. And on the first night he had ever come out, he wasn’t expecting one of Patton’s more delayed reactions.

“But you’ve also deprived me of a full night’s rest,”

Patton’s eventual confession. On that same night.

“I’m pan.” He whispered, and Roman’s eyes brightened once he realized he had a best friend in the same community as him. Although the two weren’t able to talk much about it before Roman had to go to his rehearsal, the two later talked on the phone and took solace in being openly out to one accepting person. One that was their best friend.

“So no more dreams where we pull through,”

And right before Roman went into the orchestra room, if he was paying attention…

“I’ll look for you in the crowd!”

“Break a leg! But not actually, please!”

...He would have seen the lovestruck blush on Patton’s face.

“And I can’t collect my thoughts cause they’re still with you…” Roman remembers the years after that. The confusion but the absolute certainty. The love but the debate on what kind of love. The story of the ring on Roman’s right hand.

For Valentine’s Day in Junior year, Roman had given Patton a ring identical to the one he was still wearing today. It seemed fitting, considering how badly Roman wanted Patton to be his soulmate, and for how long they were convinced that they were soulmates. It took Roman a long time, from Christmas in that Junior year, to realize that he might have a crush on Patton. He didn’t get the butterflies, the plaguing thoughts, blushes or any other feelings he had heard came from crushes, but he had no idea what else it could be. He didn’t get butterflies, but his heart jumped like an excited puppy each time he saw Patton calling him. His thoughts weren’t plagued with him, but Roman imagined his entire future living with Patton, being with him, and it seemed like almost anything could happily remind him of his best friend. He decided he must have a crush because it certainly felt stronger than best friends, but he didn’t know what else it could be.

So, Roman decided it must be a crush, since he couldn’t think of anything else. And eventually, he told Patton this, who in turn confessed his own feelings. That’s what led to the both of them calling the other their “wife”, curiously discussing spending the rest of their lives together, and what led to Roman giving Patton the ring after school on Valentine’s Day.

Even when they weren’t officially dating, the two acted like they were already long married. And Roman wanted to keep it this way forever.

Until Patton lost the ring in a public bathroom off in Indiana one day, not telling Roman until months later. Until Roman made Patton another ring and a necklace to go with it so he never lost it. Until Roman realized Patton didn’t wear the ring or the necklace.

But Roman still wore the ring to this very day, even when Patton hardly ever did. It was a special connection to him, all through Senior year and into his first year of college.

Senior year , Roman thought. The year everything started going to hell.

“ I don’t really care...”

Within the first few weeks of Senior year, Patton came out as a trans man to Roman. Patton had been talking about questioning his gender for a while, but it still shocked Roman at first. But what shocked him most of all, was that despite being “gay”, Roman still loved him. He still felt the same feelings for Patton that he has for over a year now.

And Roman’s mind began to spiral.

“...You can keep the things we used to share...”

He began searching and labels all over again, and as he did so, he realized that he missed one crucial detail from the aromantic community the first time. The term squish. The term queerplatonic.

“Queerplatonic relationships are not another way to say ‘best friends’. People who are in QPRs (queerplatonic relationships) spend the rest of their lives with their partners, instead of just living separate but interweaving lives like best friends. People in QPRs can even buy houses together or platonically marry, but each QPR is different. Really, it depends on the comfort of the people involved and their own boundaries they establish.”

... Holy shit. Roman thought, holy shit holy fuck you can fucking do that!?!?

It seemed like every mystery of life had been solved with just one paper on the internet about the aroace community. Every feeling, every moment with Patton that didn’t seem to make sense no matter how black and white he tried to simplify it to had fallen into place before his very eyes. He no longer had an excuse to ignore being aroace. His fear of never being able to marry had been solved with a research paper.

It all fit him so much. It all fit so well.

“But what did you do with my heart?”

He was no longer afraid to ask Patton out. He was no longer afraid of being in a relationship. He found one that fit him. He found new labels that fit him. And when the time came just right, he would tell Patton. He would come out all over again, he would ask Patton to be his QPP.

But it didn’t go to plan the way he thought at all.

Because that night, he got messages from Patton.

“I came out to my parents last night.”

“Are you okay?”

Terrifying ones.

“They hate me now. Dad won’t look me in the eyes.”

“I’m so sorry, Patton.”

“I can’t live like this. I wanna die.”

Ones that made Roman’s heart skip beats.

“Patton, even with your parents not accepting you, there’s still other things to live for.”

“I don’t think I want to live to see them.”

For thirty minutes, Roman talked Patton out of suicide with shaky hands. He managed to give Patton enough little reasons to have him promise he wasn’t going to do anything, but Roman was still scared. Still scared of losing his best friend for the rest of the night, before he could even come out to him or confess. Although he wanted to come out at the right time, when he felt ready , he didn’t want to miss a chance. At the very least, he didn’t want Patton to die not knowing how Roman felt.

Which is what led to the next day, Roman frantically knocking on Patton’s front door after he didn’t respond to any of Roman’s messages for the last five hours.

And to Roman’s relief, Patton answered.

“Hi, Roman-” He couldn’t help it. Even though he didn’t know what to do during a hug, Roman tackled at Patton and basically held his entire weight on him. If Patton was to let go, Roman was sure that he’d fall and hit his head right on the concrete front step right behind him. But he didn’t care. Patton was alive.

“Are you okay!? Why haven’t you answered me any!?”

Patton’s smile looked dull. Like someone had forced out the sunshine from it. “I was fighting with my mom. Screamed a lot, cried even more, but she sent me an email from her work. She called me by my name and said she’s gonna look for a gender therapist for me. They’re both gonna try, especially since I said some...harsh things during that fight. Things I’m not gonna repeat.”

Roman smiled. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“I was only just now reading your messages. You said you wanted to tell me something?”

“...Yes. Yes, I did.”

So Roman told him. All of his confusion over the years, his denial of his identity because of the terrifying fear of never getting to do what he wanted most: to marry. How he found queerplatonic, what queerplatonic meant, and how he realized that he was mistaken with his crush on Patton. It wasn’t a crush, but a squish instead. And after so long of not knowing what to do, confused of moving forward and actually asking Patton out, he knew what he really wanted.

He put his fear of rejection behind him, for one small moment, Roman had courage he always feigned to possess. He asked Patton to be his QPP.

“I would love to, Mia!”

“ What did you do with my heart? ”

Roman strummed and sang, sang the little intermission between the chorus and the next part of the song with teary eyes. His voice was slightly broken, breathing getting harder to do while both singing while crying and having a binder on, but he still sang. Even as he remembered their old moments together, both good and bad.

Before new moments stopped coming with them. Before Roman got his one month of having a partner he was happy with, and it all came crumbling down.

“ I wouldn’t take it back even though I feel sore… ”

For good.

“ I meant it when I said— ”

“— What’s mine is yours!” Roman announced, opening up the door to his bedroom for Patton for the first time. “You know what they say; Mi casa es su casa!”

“I don’t, actually,” Patton had a mischievous grin on his face. “Not everyone took Spanish, you know.”

“That’s because you’re a German heathen!”

“Ich bin schuldig.” He said, Roman placing his hands on his hips in disapproval. “Precisely what I mean. Heathen.”

“You don’t even know what I said!”

“I don’t have to in order to know you’re a heathen!”

Patton laughed and sat down on Roman’s bed, never having been to his house before. Usually Roman just went over to Patton’s, but because his parents were both away for the weekend, Roman had been able to invite his new QPP over for a day. His bed was covered in Disney pillows and soft blankets, the whole room being more eclectic than having an actual theme. But it all encompassed Roman perfectly, and he loved it. “Love you too, Mia.”

Roman paused right in his tracks for a moment, processing. The words etched themselves right into Roman’s brain, even when Patton had said it multiple times before, as well as many other cute pet names and cheesy flirts. He felt his body fill with energy, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” He said, silently squealing with his hand over his mouth. “That just made me happy.”

Patton didn’t comment, just smiled as he waited for Roman to calm down and sit next to him on the bed, where they watched YouTube on Patton’s phone of some of their mutual favorite YouTubers, snacked around downstairs, and had an overall good time until the sun started to set, and Patton needed to go home.

It lasted one month.

“But I need to know,”

“You said you wanted to talk to me?”

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do because I don’t wanna hurt you.”

You ended up making it hurt worse.

“Now that we’re apart,”

“Well...what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Okay...then how about we just...take a break. We can take a small break, and you can come back to me and tell me what you want to do, okay?”

“Alright...gotta go, bye.”

“...Bye…”

“What did you do?”

That break lasted five months, Roman being too afraid to bring it up again while Patton didn’t send him a single text message, all through summer until College was getting ready to start. In that time, Roman came out as trans to Patton over text, and Patton responded four days later. Patton texted him first to vent twice, but those were the only times. Roman didn’t have the heart to ask for Patton’s decision. Because deep down, he already knew the answer.

Five months after their break, Roman got the courage. To talk to Patton, ask him for his decision. “Sorry Ro, I’m not ready for a relationship yet.”

And it was finally over.

“I need to know,”

For good. That was the last time Roman had a conversation with Patton that lasted more than two minutes.

“Now that we’re apart,”

Daily texts turned into monthly. Monthly turned into none at all.

After a while, Roman stopped trying.

“ What did you do with my heart!?”

Roman was so afraid of losing his best friend, his first partner ever, that he didn’t realize he had already lost him.

“What did you do with my…”

Roman couldn’t even call Patton his friend anymore. He was his ex-QPP. His ex-best friend. In all forms of the word, Patton was his ex.

But the worst part of it all, was what Roman had found out after.

“Heart?”

What Roman learned not even from Patton himself.

“What did you do with my heart?”

The words that haunted his mind.

“What did you do with my heart?”

Roman strummed some more. He couldn’t see with all the tears in front of his eyes, but once the final chord of the song had been played, he could hear the slightest creak of a floorboard right in front of his bedroom door.

Words that he didn’t learn from Patton. But words he had to accidentally discover from their old, long-term friend—

“Hey dude, you doing okay?”

Virgil.

“...How long have you been standing there?” Roman frantically wiped away the tears from his eyes, placing his ukulele to the side and finally being able to see Virgil. He was leaning on the doorframe to Roman’s bedroom, his signature purple hoodie over a black tank top despite the temperatures only now getting colder. Also he tried to present himself as smug, uncaring, Roman could see into his eyes. He could see the concern.

“A while, honestly. The entire damn campus heard you slam your door and stomp like you were a fucking SWAT team coming through, so I went to check on you. You need to learn to lock your door, by the way.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Roman’s words sounded like spiteful venom, and Virgil put his hands up in surrender. Roman fell back onto the bed, occupying his hands by mindlessly strumming the strings, watching them vibrate. “I’m just joking, it’s chill. But actually, you okay dude? You look like death, and judging from the song...I have a feeling I know who this is about.”

Roman paused for a moment to stare at his roof. “...Did you see his Instagram?”

“You know I only have Tumblr, Princey.”

Roman didn’t respond. He took his phone out of his pocket, scrolling for a moment while Virgil awkwardly stood there, until he finally shoved his phone in Virgil’s hands. It took him a moment to process what was on the screen in front of him, but Roman saw the change in expression. The way his eyes opened wide, and how he mouthed a simple “...Oh.”

On the phone was a single Instagram post made by Patton_Foster2000 , the picture that burned a hole right through Roman’s hand as he held his phone. The one that filled his stomach with lead. In the photo, Patton was next to a boy that both Virgil and Roman could recognize. Although his clothing was more casual than the last time Roman saw him, he was still dressed semi-formal just for the fun of it, the same black-rimmed glasses that Patton had on his own face. He was smiling slightly as he looked straight at the camera Patton’s arm was holding up for a selfie. But most of all, Patton was kissing his cheek.

Patton_Foster2000: Happy six months with this cutie! Love you Logan <3 ^-^

“...He didn’t even tell me.”

Virgil looked back at Roman at the sound of his sad voice, the crook of his elbow lying over his eyes. “Remember when me and Pat used to tell each other almost everything? Me neither!”

“I...really don’t know what to say, Roman. I mean, he doesn’t tell me anything either, but then again we weren’t ever as close as you two were, so…”

“I know I’m probably overthinking this. Maybe he just never thought to, maybe he thought I left him, I don’t know. But...six months? He got with someone he barely knew four months after we broke up? And I’m still upset over him? But he’s moved on? Does he even remember me?”

Virgil didn’t know what to do for a while. He stared at Roman on the bed with his eyes still covered, until Roman eventually felt the bed dip and someone crawl over him. Virgil fit himself between Roman and the wall, mindlessly staring up at the patterns on the ceiling. The only sounds in the room for a while was the sound of breathing and sighs, until Virgil decided to say something he hoped could be helpful. The shit he did for his friend. “Maybe he doesn’t, no one knows.”

“Wow, thank you.”

“Let me finish, bastard.” Roman sighed dramatically, but didn’t interrupt further. “ Anyway , maybe he doesn’t remember you. Maybe he does but doesn’t give a shit. Maybe he remembers and gives a shit, but doesn’t know what to do. But does it really matter anymore? You two are going in different paths now. You’re gonna write and perform, he’s gonna be a therapist. You wanna get out of this dinky town, he wants to stay and settle down as soon as possible. You and I both know that shit is changing, things are different than the high school days, and people come and go. Even ones...that promise that they’ll stay.”

Roman removed his arm from his face, the crook of his elbow wet and his eyelashes sticking together. “Yes, but... I don’t know. It’s harder because it was him. He made me think I could do anything, could be anything. He was there for me when I needed him the most. He was the only person I had when mom left.”

“And then he changed.”

“He did…” It was hard to acknowledge that, but it was the truth. Patton wasn’t the bubbly personality that Roman remembered. He didn’t smile the same , his words were colder than they ever were before. Over one difficult summer, when Roman decided to take a risk, he lost it all. He wanted to show Patton the real love he felt for him. And Patton left and never returned.

And he didn’t even say the real reason why. The worst part of that summer, is what Roman had found out after.

Two months after he and Patton had officially broken up, Roman and Virgil went out for lunch during the weekend. In all honesty, he doesn’t remember how the conversation had turned to Patton. Maybe it was just by chance, maybe Virgil was asking questions. He couldn’t remember, and in truth, he didn’t know if he wanted to.

What Roman hadn’t even found out from Patton himself.

“Remember how we were in that queerplatonic relationship?”

“I think you told me, yeah.”

Roman stirred his lemonade with his straw, focusing intently on the drink in front of him. “We ended up getting on a break for a while after that. A couple of months later, that’s when he broke up with me.”

The words that haunted his mind.

“That’s shitty, dude.”

“Stop swearing when there are toddlers behind you.”

“They’re gonna say them eventually, it’s okay.”

“You’re evil.”

“Good, my aesthetic is growing.”

Words that he didn’t learn from Patton.

“But, yeah.” Roman let out an awkward laugh. “I mean, I can understand it, I just wish that he would talk to me, you know? But it’s understandable.”

“It is?”

“Well, yes. He just said it was because he wasn’t ready for a relationship.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Virgil took a bite of a fry from the box. “I don’t know, it’s just that when he told me the fact that he said it was because ‘I don’t want a relationship that’s just friends’ just kinda...rubbed me the wrong way, you know?”

But words he had to accidentally discover from their old, long-term friend Virgil.

Roman felt his heart stop. He couldn’t breathe without putting constant effort into it. The air was freezing, and a sickening feeling blew itself right into his chest. “...He said that?”

Roman saw Virgil’s face go even whiter as his breath hitched, eyes widening. “He didn’t tell you?”

“No! No he did not!”

“Dude, I am so sorry, I thought you knew!”

“He doesn’t want a relationship that’s ‘just friends’!? So he doesn’t want to affiliate with me unless he can get into my pants!?” Virgil went silent, running a hand through his hair and rubbing at the back of his neck, but Roman was feeling everything and nothing at the same time. His chest was collapsing in on itself. Maybe he should take off his binder. “Did four years mean nothing to him if he can’t ‘get the guy’ at the end? And what’s with the ‘just’ friends? It’s not meaningful enough for him so he just drops me? And then lies about it!?”

“I mean…” Virgil sounded quiet, timid almost. Roman knew how much he hated anger. “He said he also wasn’t ready too, so he didn’t really lie, I guess…”

“...It doesn’t matter. It’s fine. I’m glad to see he cares about me so much. I’m glad everyone I care about keeps dropping me.” He felt sick, like the food he had just ate would come out in chunks from its place stuck in the bottom of his throat. He didn’t wanna cry, he wanted to hide in a hole and forget other people in the world existed, just like they did with him. “I wanna go home, now…”

“Yeah, let’s just leave, it’s fine…” Virgil picked up the tray and put the leftovers in a bag, throwing away spare wrappers into the trash before heading toward the door. Roman followed right behind him, and the car ride was silent except for the music coming out of the speakers. And all the way through that car ride and from when Virgil left Roman’s house at 10 in the afternoon, Roman couldn’t get his mind off of Patton.

“I don’t want a relationship that’s just friends.”

“I just thought that he would always support me, at the very least.” Roman fiddled with the crystal ring on his right hand, old and slightly rusted from over the years, the band so thin it might just break. “I was so confident that we would get married. We both were. I thought I had found my soulmate in my Freshman year of high school, I loved him so much. We loved each other so much. But in the span of six months it all came crashing down, just because I had decided to start accepting myself. Now, I’m not sure I feel so prideful. I never understood ace people feeling broken until now.”

“Some people are just gonna do that, even in our own community.” Virgil shrugged his shoulders. “But at the end of the day, the thing that really matters are the people who stay through it all. People are gonna leave and be bastards no matter how long you live, that’s just how people function. Some people are gonna hurt a shit ton more when they leave, cause people are shit and that’s just truth. But the thing that matters is that eventually, it leads to meeting better people, or having better experiences. Growing and all that shit, you know?”

“True...it’s just more hard to accept when for so long you think someone is one of those better people. He was my happy ending, and now my happy ending is gone. What now?”

“Find another happy ending until one sticks,” Roman stopped fiddling with his ring to look over at Virgil, still staring straight up without a care in the world. So much irony in that one sentence. “A book can end in a million different ways if you’re not a fucking coward. And goals are goals, your goal was to spend your life with Patton and it didn’t work out. That’s how most relationships work. So you mope about it when you need to, but eventually you move forward. And Patton has moved on. It’s time you do too, at least for your own sake. Be sad about Pat as much as you want, so long as you keep going.”

Virgil heard a wet laugh come from his left, and only then did he take his gaze off the ceiling to look at Roman. “You are...an excellent friend, Virgil.”

“Nope, nope nope nope, fuck this, fuck that with a ten foot pole!” He suddenly stood up and jumped over Roman off the bed, making his way to the door. “You’re not putting that sappy shit on me now, bitch! Back with that shit!”

He couldn’t help it. Roman laughed hard despite the slight choke still in his voice, Virgil making a cross with his fingers in his direction. “You are incorrigible!”

“I talked with you about too much emotion bullshit for my comfort! If you’re getting sappy on me now I’m stealing some ramen from you and nope-ing the fuck out of here!”

“How can you be so cruel to me and deny my love!?”

“Cause your love is shit and you can give it to Zac Efron instead, you whore!”

“ You call me out like this in my own home!? ”

“Duh,” Virgil tempted, “Massive fucking bet.”

“I will annihilate you.”

“Do it, you heard me. Big bet.”

Roman glared him down as he sat up, Virgil starting to nervously laugh the more he stared him down. He moved his foot to prepare to stand and run, and that’s when Virgil took a dart for it, running across the dorm to the couch and jumping over the back side. Before he managed to open his eyes and run again, Virgil felt a massive weight plop down right on his chest. The two took a moment to laugh, but Virgil watched Roman in concern when he heard his heavy breathing. Shit, he’s wearing his binder. “Take that off, dude, you know you shouldn’t run in it.”

“I…” He swallowed and breathed deeply once more. “I had to get you, though.”

“And now you lose your binder rights.”

Roman groaned. “I’ve only been wearing it for four hours!”

“Who cares, time to take it off!”

He groaned some more and slowly got off of Virgil’s chest, sitting up and noticing the picture of Patton from their Junior year sitting on the side table. Virgil noticed where his eyes were going and for a moment thought he was going to get upset again, but Roman instead looked in Virgil’s direction. “Could you do me one more favor, Virgil?”

“Depends. What is it?”

“I believe it’s...time to get rid of some things being held onto for far too long. I think it’s time to clean up some hurt around here.”

Virgil sighed in relief. “I’ll get as much stuff as I can find while you change.”

Roman rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

While Roman was in his room taking off his binder, switching into a sports bra and some pajamas while he was at it, Virgil collected all the pictures and small art projects he could find from Patton around the dorm. Empty frames were more scattered around and art walls were more bare, but it was okay. When Roman came out and saw the pile on the couch, soon to go right into the recycling bin, he remembered what Virgil said. He could put new stuff in their place. Stuff that didn’t hurt to see.

But as he trashed all of the old decorations covered in Patton , Roman saw the ring again. The crystal ring, the thing he held onto so it could remind him of Patton when he needed it. It was worn and rusted, band so thin it could almost break. It was breaking.

With a heavy heart, Roman looked at the trash can right next to the recycling bin, and he threw the ring right into some rotten leftovers. It was unsalvageable now.

“...Now my hand feels bare, I don’t like that.” Roman said, breaking the sudden silence between him and Virgil. Virgil seemed to think for a long moment, but Roman could see his eyes brighten when the lightbulb went off in his head.

“Dude, I gotta show you this thing,” He followed Virgil to the place where his laptop was sitting. “So we’re both ace, right?”

“Indeed we are, yes.”

“So clearly I know shit. Also I see a lot of Tumblr posts.” He opened the laptop and gave it to Roman for a slight moment so he could put in his password. “Basically, there’s this way to show subtle pride and to kinda show to other aces that you’re ace too. A fully black ring on your right middle finger.”

The same place his old ring went. “...You have my attention.”

“You can find them cheap as fuck too, wanna look online?”

“ Bitch , yes!” Roman leaned on Virgil’s shoulder as they browsed the internet for fully black rings, some made of stretchy silicone, others just straight-up wedding bands, but after a while of scrolling and five other tabs of nothing but rings to contrast to the others, Roman’s eye caught on a specific one in particular. “No wait, wait!” He excitedly pointed at the screen. “I want a spinny one! Spinner ace ring!”

Virgil smirked. “Of course your ADHD ass wants a spinner ace ring.”

“One more comment and I’ll steal your fidget cube.”

Virgil hissed at him in response.

“Seriously, that one, I want that one, gimme!” Roman took the laptop before Virgil could react to his impatience, closing all the other tabs and entering in his information for a size 9 spinner ring. He smiled brightly once the purchase was confirmed, ready to be delivered in around two days, and Roman was proud of himself. It was a small step, but it meant so much to him.

Virgil went back to his dorm about an hour later, considering he had some work to do, but Roman appreciated his sudden visit regardless. The dorm seemed bare after all that had happened now, no noise and places on the wall where things were bare, but most of all Roman’s mind started to wander. Wander to all the things Virgil told him, wandering to his own lessons he could maybe teach himself, and wandering to thoughts of Patton. Thoughts so bittersweet it was still almost unbearable, but it was time to say goodbye. All of the times they’ve been together, for how long Roman tried so desperately to hold on, Roman needed to say goodbye.

So he did. At 5:18 PM, Roman sent him a message on his Instagram.

Royal_Highness_Roman: I hope you and Logan end up very happy together. I hope you both have a wonderful happy ending

The message was no longer to Patton. It was a message...to a certain someone.

The message was read at 9:32 PM, but would never receive a response. He had successfully said goodbye.

—

A few days later, Roman returned back to his dorm with a slight weight in his chest. He had seen Patton on his ways to class and resisting the urge to run up to him and try speaking again was one harder to fight than he thought. But he managed to continue to class with his head down, his fingers tensing to feel the ring on his right hand.

Once he got to his dorm however, Roman felt himself turning to that ukulele again, the one way he had managed to get all of this out in the open. A few test strums, maybe a little tuning as he thought of a fitting song to play, feeling the strings under the pads of his fingers.

Just like the day he found out about Logan and Patton, he strummed his song. But this time, he would not grieve for him. He would learn. “ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. ”

At least, one day he would. “ I don’t need you to love me, I love me.”

He could learn. One day. “ But I want you to know you could know me…”

He couldn’t help it. He got a little teary eyed. “ If you change your mind...change your mind...change your mind...change your mind.”

The strumming of the last seconds of that song filled the quiet in his bedroom, his eyes seemingly fixated on the black ring on his right hand now. The old crystal ring was gone. It wasn’t coming back, now, he replaced the physical representation of their love with what had ruined it: Pride in his identity.

He would learn. Maybe one day, that ace ring could turn into a flag above his bed. Maybe he’d go to a pride parade having more than his trans stuff. One day, he would be ready for that.

But today, Roman continued with his life, even with the bittersweet taste still in his mouth. The next day, he still walked down the hallways of his college to his morning class. And as he walks by, he’ll walk right past Patton and Logan talking in the hallways.

And if you were a bystander of that pass by, you would think Roman and Patton had never talked to each other in their life.