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Time slips through my fingers as I spend it sitting beside you, Danno.
What an awful way to start a letter to you. It sounds like I'm bored or something, right? The nurses suggested solemnly that writing you a letter might help me work through my feelings. But... Danno... I don't feel nothing these days. It's like I'm watching someone else drive to the hospital in the wee hours. I can't sleep except in that godawful hospital chair beside your bed.
You're not much of a talker these days. Which, don't get me wrong, has saved me from many a migraine of late. But right now? Yeah. I'd just about give my right arm if you would open your eyes for me. Even a little bit. Just show a little smudge of blue beneath your lids. Please.
I know all your nurses' names by now. Some of them are cute. Short (haha), brunette and definitely your type. I barely have the energy to return their casual eye-humping (my favourite Dannyism), to be honest. They see me as a caring guy who keeps coming to see his friend, and they practically ovulate on the spot from witnessing such cuteness. Some of them are nice, though, and bring tea and the odd biscuit for me when they come to feed you brunch through your veins. They avoid leaving their numbers written on packets of bandages, and some of them give me a big hug when they see me, big dark 'coon circles and unshaven.
I know. Me. Hugging.
They treat me as if I'm missing you... Like you miss someone really important.
Which I guess I do.
Life is.... Quiet without you. To make up for your loudness I always have the radio blaring in the Camaro on the way to a suspect's house or a gang's warehouse. Kono's started dragging me out to clubs and bars after work. I've never been a big going-out kinda guy, but right now it's sure as hell nice to lose myself in throbbing music and alcohol. I'm more popular than I ever thought I'd be. Maybe without you distracting all the Victoria Secret girls, they're free to look up for a change. It's not just girls, either.
I had a bit of a run-in with a nurse the other day. Maybe last week? I dunno. I'm more tired today than I've been for a long time. Maybe the letter will help me sleep? I duno. Betty, she's called. She's nice, quiet and seriously the tiniest woman ever. She'd make you look 10 foot tall, if you would just sit up for us...
She came in one day to change you, and I jumped at the chance to... to do something useful instead of just thinking these things and watching you have the best nap of your life.
Hey, don't be such a girl. I looked away at all the juicy bits, honest.
When we'd got you in a fresh T shirt and your favourite pants (the soft blue ones with paint splodges), Betty went to take away your old stuff to the hospital laundry, and I -- please don't think I'm a weirdo -- I cleared my throat and said that I could take them home and wash them.
And Betty just stopped, and smiled at me. She handed me your stuff in a Patient Belongings bag and then wrapped her tiny arms around me, mumbling "Of course, Mr Williams, I understand," into my stomach.
I... blinked.
"Nurse Ng... Betty... This is Mr Williams here," I stammered, pointing at you, Danno.
"Oh," Betty said, blushing. "You and Mr Williams not partners?"
"Well, yeah, yes we are partners, Betty, but not like -- partners..." Then it was my turn to blush. Purpler than a beet.
"I donunderstand, Mr Williams," Betty replied, clearly confused. "But I take good care of your partner for you." And she took my hand in her own Munchkin one and gripped it, tight.
Danny. That night I... Fell asleep wearing your clothes.
I've left a small silence here to accommodate the sound of your footsteps fleeing from me as fast as your bad knee can carry you.
Danny. If you're still there... It felt so good. The musk of your skin all around me made me feel like I was your little spoon, and it put me straight to sleep for a solid seven hours. That's the best sleep I've known since you came here...
I'm sorry I did it when you're asleep and you can't punch me in the face and shout at me and make lots of hand gestures like maybe you would if you could if only you could.
Since then, all the nurses have taken to calling me Mr Williams, and the few flirtatious advances have stopped, embarrassingly quickly.
Mr McWilliams, maybe, Danno. You know, if it did happen.
If it did happen... Fuck me I'm a wuss. Danny, if you wake up, I'm going to tell you and if you feel the same, I'm going to make it happen.
I'll... I really miss you, you know.
Danno, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry this happened to you.
Every time I fall asleep, I see your blue eyes looking at me with such trust and love. Looking right at me, Danny, like... You really believe in me. Like I can do anything. Like no-one's ever looked at me before.
And I wake up alone and my face is wet and I have this awful cr-crushing guilt in my chest when I think that I was reckless and I failed you, Danno, right when you needed me most. And I'm so sorry. I wish I had've grabbed you and used my body to protect yours. I would do anything to make it me in a fucking coma in that fucking hospital bed and you, you up here and awake and cuddling your Gracie, where you're supposed to be. Where you need to be.
Gracie needs her Danno back.
I need you, Danny. Without you... everything hurts...
I feel the same way I felt before I met you and before I was a SEAL or anything... When I was just Steve McGarrett and my mum died and my dad sent us away and everything started to hurt.
Please don't leave me, Danno.
I need to feel you breathing.