Chapter Text
It took until music starting blasting from his phone for TJ to finally sit up. Despite the heavy fatigue weighing down the athlete’s body, he had been awake for hours, eyes tracing shapes in the shadows on his ceiling. Dragging his feet across the hall to the bathroom, he did a mental calculation of how much sleep he had managed to get.
Three and a half hours, same as the night before.
And the same as the night before that, and almost every night in the last two weeks. As if he were caught in some cycle of sunlight and darkness with the occasional stretch of dozing. He remembered reading somewhere how sleep is affected by things like a balanced diet, exercise, and stress. Or in his case, nonexistent, nonexistent, and ironically numb. He hadn’t been on a basketball court since that day with Kira, instead coming straight home and just laying in bed, not moving unless his mom got home from work. He had even called in sick to the gym last week, having spent all his energy to get up. The only decent meal he ate was the occasional dinner with his mom, due to her nursing shifts. She had enough to worry about without throwing in his problems.
TJ knew his recent habits were wreaking havoc on his physical health. The circles under his eyes were getting darker by the day, his chin breakouts starting to spread up his cheek, the usually vibrant green eyes now lifeless and lackluster. Spending even a fraction of the usual time on his hair was a miracle, but it was getting less and less each morning. Even his wardrobe had changed to accommodate his mood. Day after day the same dark grey jacket was zipped over a plain T-shirt, and he honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had put on a clean pair of jeans.
Maybe Monday? He picked up yesterday’s discarded jeans from the floor and slid them on. No, I wore sweats Monday. Then Tuesday I guess. Whatever.
As he was putting whatever little homework he had done into his bag his phone chimed with a new text. TJ knew better than to hope at this point, hope that his phone just randomly started to accept blocked numbers. Nonetheless, his heart rebelliously sped up as he checked the screen, only to crash back to Earth at the sight of Kira’s selfie in front of his house. Just as it had been every morning for the last week.
Kiki: w8ing kippen, lets goooo
Kippen: be there in a sec
Throwing his bag on his shoulder, TJ crept past his mom’s door quietly and down the stairs. Delaying the inevitable, he made his way to the kitchen for his water bottle. It would do nothing but sit unused in his locker all day, but old habits really do die hard. He had his hand on the fridge handle when he stopped short, turning around to confirm what his brain had finally registered.
On the island countertop, sealed in Ziploc bags with a folded note on top, sat one blueberry macadamia and one chocolate chocolate chip muffin.
A trembling hand reached for the note, opening it to reveal Mary Kippen’s handwriting.
I know work’s got me pretty busy the last few weeks, but don’t think I’ve forgotten you! ;) Have a great day at school sweetheart, I’ll see you after dinner tonight.
Love, Mom
P.S. The other one is for your friend Cyrus, I haven’t forgotten him either. Looking forward to meeting him soon! (Hint. Hint.)
TJ swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat. It wasn’t the first time his mother had brought home goodies from the bakery across from the hospital, but it was the first time since Costume Day. He stood there staring at the note until his phone began to buzz incessantly in his pocket. Already knowing it was Kira being impatient yet again, he hit decline. His stomach started rolling unpleasantly and he felt dizzy, but he had to make a choice-lie to his mother or watch Kira eat the muffin she had done nothing to deserve.
Sorry, Mom. He refolded the note and placed it back in its spot on top of the muffins. He’ll just tell her he was in a rush and didn’t see them this morning.
He stood leaning against the counter as his body took a couple minutes to get his brain’s message of ‘calm down,’ by which time he knew they would have to hurry or risk being late to school. Kira was waiting at the bottom of his front steps when he opened the door. She looked up from her phone and gave a small scowl at his appearance.
“You know for someone who took so long to get out here, you could have put a little more effort into looking decent.” She tucked her phone in her pocket and looped an arm through TJ’s to pull him along down the street. He had to physically keep himself from pulling away, despite every muscle in him screaming “ WRONG BODY. WRONG PERSON. THIS IS WRONG. IT’S ALL WRONG.”
“So how was your evening last night?” A bright smile was paired with the question and TJ’s stomach churned slightly.
It’s revolting how peppy she can be this early.
“Fine.”
“And…?” His eyes rolled as he balled his fists up in his pockets.
“And how was yours, Kira?”
“Oh my god, you wouldn’t believe what my dad just bought…”
TJ managed to free his arm without her notice and zoned out the girl’s incessant chatter for the rest of the walk, not hearing anything she said until they approached the school doors nearest the gym.
“...and then my parents just went totally berserk on him! It was so hilarious!” The sounding of the second bell snapped Kira out of her tale. “Ugh, I still have to get to my locker. Catch you at lunch, Kippen!” She turned down another hallway, leaving TJ just inside the doors.
He could just slip out. Head back home and curl up in bed without anyone noticing. Leave Kira and her suffocating implications for a different day. The temptation continued growing until he found himself turning back toward the door.
Except if he skipped, the school would call his mom. She'd be forced to leave work early, scrambling home to see if her baby boy was there, probably too stressed to even just call ahead. TJ knew he couldn't do that to her. Whatever pain awaited him during the day was worth giving his mother one less thing to worry about.
Shoulders slumping in defeat, TJ turned his back on the chance of freedom and headed to English, not bothering to get his textbook from his locker.
…………………...
It was rare for Cyrus to be the first to reach the cafeteria, but today was one of the days it happened. Buffy had had to run to the office for something about the Spikes’ gym schedule, and Andi was finishing some art project due the next day. So despite the anxious butterflies in his stomach, Cyrus plopped his tray down on an empty table and started to rearrange his chicken nuggets by size. He was interrupted by the table shifting as someone sat across from him accompanied by a darker-toned arm snatching away a couple of his fries.
“Well, that was fast. What did Metcalf have to say-” The boy’s question died on his lips as he finally looked up. “You’re not Buffy.”
Kira smirked at his perplexed expression. “Very perceptive.”
Cyrus shifted in his seat, eyes darting around for Buffy or Andi or even Jonah. He was so not prepared for this. He had never had an actual conversation with Kira and could barely recall seeing the girl since Costume Day. The few times he had noticed her she had been joined at the hip to TJ. Not that Cyrus had spent the last two weeks looking for TJ. It’s just sometimes he happened to take the routes to class that the other boy did. Or spent longer at the swings to see if TJ might stop by. Or baked a special batch of muffins before realizing he had no idea where TJ lived. Or-
Okay, so maybe Cyrus was deliberately looking for TJ. He was worried about him. Had been ever since the text the day after Costume Day. Like, what part of ‘ I need to figure some stuff out by myself’ and then dropping all contact didn’t invoke worry? Even the visually impaired could see that the older boy was struggling with something, he looked far beyond miserable these days.
“Hellooo? Anyone home?” Cyrus jolted out of his thoughts at the sight of Kira’s hand waving in front of his face.
“Yes! Uh, I mean, um.” Cyrus was starting to really feel the nerves, fidgeting with his utensils and moving his milk carton. “I mean, Buffy isn’t here right now. Obviously she isn’t here, unless she was invisible or really tiny or something…”
Kira interrupted the boy’s rambling with a laugh that bordered on patronizing. “I’m not looking for Buffy, silly. I want to talk about TJ.”
I want to talk about TJ.
The six words echoed in Cyrus’ head a few times before he finally comprehended them. He couldn’t tell if the sudden pit in his stomach was releasing new butterflies or swallowing and regurgitating the current ones. Either way, the swarm inside him combined with his racing heart and the glint in Kira’s gaze made him feel this conversation was taking a very bad turn.
“What about TJ…?”
“Well, I just wanted to say I think it’s really thoughtful what you’re doing, following his wishes and all. I bet it must suck to lose a friend like that, but it’s better to find out now instead of further down the road when it hurts a lot more. Don’t you agree?”
The pit was increasing, along with Cyrus’ confusion. “What exactly did I find out?”
Kira cocked her head, lips pursing. “He did tell you why he’s not talking to you, didn’t he?”
“Not entirely, no.”
“Oh.” She leaned closer to Cyrus, dropping her voice as he suppressed the shudder running down his spine. “Well, I didn’t want to break it to you like this-”
I’m sure you didn’t.
“-but it’s because you’re-”
Don’t say it. Please don’t say that’s why.
“-gay.”
The world stopped moving for a few seconds as Kira leaned out of Cyrus’ space. He couldn’t think straight. The blood drained from his face. His mind was racing, it was blank, everything blurred, everything was in high-definition. He had to force himself to focus and face Kira.
“How-” Cyrus took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “How do you know that?”
“Oh honey.” The exaggerated pity on her face made Cyrus’ stomach churn. “It’s not as big of a secret as you think. A lot of people have already figured it out, including TJ. I’m just sorry you had to hear it from me.”
Cyrus stared at the food on his tray, tears starting to prick the back of his eyes. He should leave. He should get up and go before he breaks down in front of his entire grade. Instead, he felt numb all over, too senseless to make a run for the door. He wanted to tell Kira to leave, to just let him be, but he couldn’t even do that. He simply kept his head bowed as the girl got up to walk away.