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Leaning a little closer to the guy handing him a beer, Nursey almost doesn’t flinch when he catches sight of Dex from the corner of his eye. He almost doesn’t care when he sees his friend’s knuckles are white from a sudden grip on the bottle he holds. He almost doesn’t let his heart sink when Dex’s expression darkens over the sight of Nursey’s hand on some guy’s arm. Again.
It’s been like this at most kegsters recently. Most of the team didn’t even react when Nursey started to feel free to be himself, to flirt with guys, dance hot and sweaty with them in front of his team, then disappear to show up rumpled the next morning. The most he got was the typical “thank you for trusting us” over team breakfast one morning when he reminded Ransom and Holster that if they needed to obnoxiously set him up with every hipster on campus they could at least choose some guys as well. But then there was Dex. Always right there, just when Nursey was losing himself in the back and forth of flirting with someone new. His freckled face was always tense and stony, like he was back in their first rocky semester. He could never tell if the twisting in his gut was just hurt, or half because he couldn’t help but admire how beautiful his d-partner was in the low light, looking only half real as his clenched jaw twitched.
Normally, Nursey would pretend he hadn’t seen anything. He would try not feel like everything in his body was dragging him downwards. Sometimes, he’d let the conversation peter out and go sulk on the reading room. Other times, when he could pull his chill back together, he’d just act like he was ready to leave anyway, ask if the guy knew somewhere quiet. He’d act like he didn’t notice that Dex wouldn’t quite look him in the eye when he came home. Wouldn’t look at him at all if he’d been left with any obvious marks. But Nursey was sick of playing chill, acting fine with their normal banter once the hickeys faded and Dex forget his homophobic crisis - at least until the next kegster.
So turns his head just enough to stare down Dex, pauses for a moment as red flows over his features, clenched jaw falling open as he realises he’s been caught. His face is suddenly soft and open, and Nursey’s gut clenches again. But he’s not thinking about that tonight, and before the guy - Oscar? Owen? He decides he doesn’t really care - has managed to ask what’s got his attention, he winks at Dex, then hooks his hand around the guy’s neck and pulls him in suddenly. It’s a little clumsy and he can tell the guy knows something’s off, but after a moment he’s all over Nursey, kissing him hard and dirty, and before he knows it they’re up in his room, a sock over the doorhandle. Not that Dex should need the hint he’s sexiled, since he watched it all with a slightly cryptic frown and wide eyes, apparently too shocked to even pretend he’s not staring.
Their frantic rush to the room has suddenly faded and Nursey takes a moment to definitely not think about how soft Dex’s eyes were, how warm his face must be when it’s burning red, and the guy - he’s settled on Oscar - coughs a little awkwardly.
“I’m not like… in the middle of anything here am I?”
Nursey blinks, tries to figure out what Oscar’s trying to say, why they aren’t more naked yet. “Uh… no?” He steps into the other guy’s space and pushes up his shirt until a gentle but firm hand around his wrist stops his progress.
“Look man, I’m not totally clueless. I wasn’t sure that anything would happen tonight til you saw that guy watching us… Am I getting into drama?”
There are better things we could be doing he thinks. I really don’t need to talk about this right now. But then again… This guy looks genuinely concerned and Nursey suspects if he doesn’t get a satisfactory answer he’ll just leave.
“He’s just my team-mate. And room mate. And if you asked me a month or so ago I would have said he was my best friend but every time he sees me with a guy... “ Nursey sighs.
“He freaks out?” Oscar supplies.
“Yeah. And all of the guys act like I’m crazy when I say he’s being a homophobe. I guess I got sick of going along with them. Saying he’s chill. I wanted to spook him”
Oscar’s face crumples, and he takes a small step towards the door. “I dunno…”
Nursey’s stepping with him, catching his hand, and when Oscar’s nervous eyes stop flickering around the room and meet his, he smiles. “But I don’t mean you were just… a ploy to piss him off. I just was planning to leave quietly, ask if you have a roommate cos mine’s a bit pissy, you know?”
For a silent moment Oscar just fidgets, eyebrows twitching as he weighs up pros and cons. Nursey lets his gaze swing away from earnest towards warm and heavy, and slowly, deliberately, swipes his tongue over his lower lip. Time speeds up and they tumble away from this shitty conversation. And if Nursey thinks about Dex’s startled face as he lets Oscar bruise him up even more than usual…. well... He’s not really using him if they’re both enjoying it, is he?
----
The morning sun peeks past the sloppily pulled curtains and strikes Nursey right in the hangover. He groans and rolls over… into an awful lot of exposed skin, which groans and pushes back. He blinks slowly, as the night before filters through his headache. Pissing off Dex seemed like a good idea at the time but possibly sexiling him overnight was a bit extreme. That’s not gonna play off his homophobia so much as how much any human being wants to sleep in their own bed.
“Oscar?” he asks. Or tries to ask, the word catching in his dry throat. The guy must still interpret his croak because his tenses slightly, corrects him, “Owen”
“Ah. Shit. Sorry.”
The guy twists over, skin crumpled where it was pressed into the sheets, and smirks. “Nah, it’s whatever. See you around, man.”
Nursey closes his eyes while Owen-not-Oscar shuffles round, silently thanking his luck that he isn’t planning on overstaying. Drunk Nursey wanted Dex steamed up, rejoiced in the tic in his jaw and the red that burst over his features, but sober Nursey is scared of the consequences. As hurt as he is over Dex’s reaction to his kegster hookups, he’s never met someone he clicks with so well on and off the ice. They had started hanging out and making amends after Dex apologised for the dibs disaster, and Nursey made him install Snapchat as part of his atonement. They chat throughout the day, and Nursey started to really appreciate his partner, and not just the changing landscapes of his freckles and his brilliant smile and the way his hair curls softly as it grows out and, no, he really doesn’t need to think about that right now. Dex is hilarious, and smart, and cares about his friends in such a quiet way that he most people are convinced with his acting angry and distant. But Nursey definitely notices how often his roommate know exactly what he needs. How many times Dex has paused on the threshold when Nursey is in a mood and come back with a slice of pie and a shoulder to cry on. Or grabbed out his laptop to marathon shitty TV. Or even the times where he just closed the door and went to Chowder’s room until Nursey was ready to see people.
He didn’t want to upset Dex too much... But he needs to turn this into a fight because that’s how he learnt to get through to Poindexter. When angry, Dex is almost open, and Nursey is sure he can needle Dex into admitting whatever shit is going on in his head, and they can finally move forward. At the same time, he’s walking a fine line, and he really hopes this plan he formulated in 10 seconds while drunk won’t cause their fragile friendship to crash and burn.
Owen coughs and Nursey blinks his way out of his Dex-related panic. He sits up and tries to muster up a smile that he knows is half-grimace, and the guy just nods. “I hope you get your drama sorted out with your roomie”
He would much rather curl up and mope than go over any more of his issues with one-night-stand, but he can be chill. He tries to flick a shoulder up casually and says “It’s not really drama. Um. Sorry.”
Owen grins. “Nah it was worth it. I just thought he was jealous or something to be honest. I wasn’t gonna fight an ex for your honor or anything”, and he’s winking and stepping out the door before Nursey can stop choking on his own spit. Dex? Jealous? That’s a good one.
----
As expected, Dex won’t even look at him when he comes downstairs. Nursey got dressed to ensure that everyone knows he got laid the night before, choosing a loose and low-necked shirt to show every mottled mark across his skin. He makes sure that every step is full of as much swagger as possible, and throws himself down at the table, right next to Dex, who flinches and stares harder at his plate, and a flush of anger rises through Nursey. Why can’t this just be easy? And suddenly any thoughts about not letting this fight go too far are forgotten.
“Sorry for sexiling you last night, bro. But one of us has to get laid eventually” Nursey tries a chirp and suddenly Dex’s eyes are on him, and Nursey almost feels the weight of his attention pressing every bruise. All Dex offers him is a shrug, then turns to face forward again, eyes closed and lips pressed tight, and Nursey is just going to explode if this isn’t finished right now, and he’s leaning forward and yelling.
“Do you really hate it that much that I got great dick last night? Is it that much of a fucking problem? Shame on me, I seriously thought we were friends and you won’t even let me have the tiniest bit of fun! What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Nursey knew it was too much even before he opened his mouth but the words are ripping out of him without any conscious decision. All the frustration and anger over Dex, and all the shitty people like him, who thought he should keep his life a secret, was bursting out and Nursey feels like he has become a vessel for this flood of rage.
So yeah, he knew it wasn’t the time or place but it still gives him pause when he finally stops, blood rushing in his ears, and realises Dex hasn’t also flushed with rage, isn’t leaping up to join him and scream in his face until the whole team silently files out of the room. Instead, Dex gapes at him, completely pale. The moment settles over Nursey like a scratchy woolen blanket, and he starts to open his mouth. Nothing comes out, and shame rises in his chest as he watches Dex’s eyes slowly well over, the way his lips are twitching as he tries to fight them back. Part of Nursey is raging, whispering that Dex no fucking right to cry over finally getting called out, but the rest of him is just drained. Before he can figure out any way to defuse the tension that is holding everyone in the kitchen still and silent, Dex jumps up, rushing out of the Haus without looking back. And Nursey is left with a team that mysteriously won’t back him up.
“Seriously, don’t you guys think this is fucked up?”
He hates how small his voice sounds, how he is pleading for them to understand. Everyone is looking away, frowning. Eventually Bitty coughs. “It’s not good… but not in the way you think…” and Nursey is furious, again.
“This makes no sense! Why are you guys defending a blatant homophobe - you in particular Bitty, do you really want this on the team?”
Another long silence, broken eventually by Chowder. “I think you need to figure this out yourself… you know that we wouldn’t stick with someone if we thought that that was the issue. Just… don’t be so hard on him.”
___
After Nursey finishes recounting how he ended up in some backwards land where everyone just agrees with Dex being homophobic, Shitty lets out a small laugh. “Sorry… But you thought I would be the one to break? I can’t tell you anything, either. I haven’t even been there, how should I know what’s happening. Just think about it. Do you really think he minds people who sleep around - he hypes Ransom and Holster up before a party as much as anyone. And do you really think he isn’t okay with people being public about being gay? Have you heard him baking with Bitty? He’ll bend over backwards to get Bitty to ‘fess up about his crushes.”
Nursey frowns. He can’t argue about it, but he can’t let go of the fact that every time Dex sees him with a boy, he gets upset, and he says so.
“Nobody’s arguing with you, Nurse. I just think you’ve made a few too many assumptions about what’s really going on in his head”
Not that that helps, really. “Yeah, but nobody will tell me!” He’s whining, and he knows it, but nothing makes sense.
“You could always ask…”
___
Nursey carries around his confusion for the next week, rolling it around in his head between classes, practise, and the tensions that have settled over the room he shares with Dex as though all the progress their friendship made vanished overnight.
He’s no closer to an answer by the time the next kegster rolls around, and he quietly dismisses Chowder from Nursey patrol.
“Are you sure, Nursey? Me and Farmer are happy to hang out with you! It’s no biggie!”
Nursey smiles gently, submits to the enthusiastic arm Chowder throws around him, and nods. “Seriously, I just don’t feel like drinking. I feel like some space, honestly.”
Chowder takes the hint graciously, and gives him one last look that is equal parts concern and love, and turns back to the corner where Farmer is leaning with a few of her friends.
Throughout the night, Nursey starts to think that Dex’s eyes only seemed to fall on him every time he picked up because they were following him all night anyway - and with each drink Dex downs he looks away a little slower, his blush spreads a little further down his face, his neck, crawls under the collar of his shirt. Derek’s only drinking water but he starts to feel a little lightheaded when somehow, Dex’s eyes find his across the room packed with people dancing wildly. Dex looks free like Nursey has never seen him, dancing dirty and making eyes like it’s all a show just for him. Just as Nursey steps forward, entranced, Dex tilts his head back, and the guy behind him - had he been there a moment ago? - leans forward to mouth along his neck.
Nursey freezes, aware his face is locked somewhere between hurt and confusion, and feels something heavy twist in his gut as his hand clenches, unbidden, around his cup. He must be the mirror image of Dex at the last kegster, trying to make sense of the way it seems like his throat is closing and heart is falling to his feet just from seeing his best friend have a good time.
And, well, shit. Maybe that’s the start of the explanation he’s been looking for.
The realisation propels him forward without enough communication between his head and his feet, and by the time he stumbles over to Dex the guy’s mouth is off him, thank God, and Dex must have caught sight of his approach, because he’s doubling over with laughter, while his dance partner backs off a step, bewildered.
“Sorry to break this up, but can I talk to you? Please?” Derek has never been less chill in his life, stumbling over his words and his feet in his desperation to talk to Dex alone, but all at once they’re sitting out on the reading room, Dex flushed with alcohol, smiling, and - Derek wishes he hadn’t noticed - slightly bruised where the guy’s mouth had been.
Now that he has Dex, he has no idea where to start, but perhaps an apology is better than sitting here in silence feeling like Dex is breaking him apart with a gentle gaze.
“Look, I’m sorry, and I know I don’t even have a right to ask you to come talk to me when I’ve totally misjudged you for years but like I had no idea that you are… um… that you like guys, I guess? Do you like guys or like... what? Why didn’t you say something sooner!” Derek regrets breaking the silence when the words start pouring out of him but Dex just shrugs. For a few seconds, it seems like he isn’t going to say anything, but he leans back and starts talking, clear and slow after Nursey’s babble.
“At first, I didn’t know myself well enough to give you guys a good answer and by the time I did it was like you didn’t see me, just the guy you’d imagined me to be. I guess… I came from a place where it was best not to be open and even if I saw some of the guys here… even if that was why I was here… It’s too hard trying to explain yourself once someone expects something else, you know?”
He shifts his gaze from the sky to look gently at Nursey through thick eyelashes, and Nursey feels like Alice in Wonderland, too large and clumsy for this moment, but peeking through a tiny door that has swung open in Dex’s walls, and he tries to memorise every second of it. A feeling is rising up in him that he’s scared to acknowledge, so again he finds himself spitting out the wrong thing - “the Samwell Republicans sticker though? Really? What did you think we were going to assume? And all those things you used to say… really?”
This time, Dex starts to frown, but it’s a new, soft frown Derek hasn’t seen before, not a glower, not the face of a guy about to pick a fight. He looks distant for a second, and says “Sometimes I feel like I have to do things... To be safe. You know Bitty went through a lot before coming here. I was always scared of that… I got beat a few times because the wrong guys noticed I didn’t seem to think about girls the way they thought I should… I had to act like a small town guy to get by in a small town… and that doesn’t go away overnight. And that sticker… my brother stuck in on my laptop. He wanted to make sure that the ‘fairies’ “ - Dex half raises one arm to form lazy air quotes - “didn’t think I was one of them” He half-laughs, a soft puff of air. “I guess it works.”
Derek really cannot handle this new, soft, vulnerable Dex. He knows so much about his d-man, about his funny, grumpy best friend, but he suddenly feels like he has learnt more of Dex in the past few minutes than he has in their whole friendship, and maybe it’s a whole lot more than he deserves, having made Dex choose between being uncomfortably outed and being seen as a homophobe by all of his friends every time Nursey kicked up a fuss. “God Dex… I’m so sorry. I didn’t even realise what I was putting you through getting like that in front of the team. If anyone thinks worse of you because of me...”
Dex, inexplicably, laughed, more real this time, but still with a hint of sadness. “Jesus Nurse, not everyone is as dense as you. Trust me, everyone just knew I was jealous and didn’t want to embarrass me to the one person who didn’t know how pathetic I am”
“J-jealous?” Derek’s words keep failing him tonight, but can he be blamed as he watches Dex’s secrets bloom out of him in the cold air like a moonflower, a soft blush creeping over his cheeks as he catches his lip between his teeth. He knows he shouldn’t be letting hope bubble up in his chest that maybe Dex really had been feeling the same lump in his throat watching Derek with other guys that Derek had today, but Shitty did tell him to just ask. “I… um… I am so sorry if this is the most stupid and arrogant thing you have ever heard but do you mean that you were jealous that I was able to be open about myself and get with people? Or jealous that people were getting with me?” Derek doesn’t want to look up at Dex, doesn’t want to see the soft look in his eyes fade, doesn’t want to accept what is probably the truth - that Dex will still avoid him in the morning, that he is only being open and gentle because of too much tub juice, but still, when Dex starts with “Honestly,” in a shaky voice, how can he not look up?
And Dex is still so soft, so open. Nursey feels the heat rise in his own face, as his linemate smiles tentatively. “Honestly, both.”
When Derek just stares, unsure if he can really believe Dex didn’t just shoot him down, he sighs and continues, voice quiet “But if I really had to choose one, it would be the latter”.
Derek can’t seem to find words, can’t seem to breathe, can’t seem to do anything but stare into Dex’s warm eyes. He thought he was seeing a new side of Dex tonight, but he’s starting to feel like he’s seeing an entirely new person. How can he reconcile the guy who is all frowns, fists, and chirps that border on insults with the boy next to him, who looks small and impossibly young gazing over at him, bathed in moonlight. He can’t begin to articulate the waves of emotion that wash over him, and it doesn’t feel right to do anything with the honesty Dex has given him, since Derek is sure Dex would not have let a single hint of this slip while sober. As Dex’s soft smile droops slightly he manages to crack open his lips, whisper “Dex….”, but his roommate only looks over at him sadly, clearly assessing how this revelation has rendered him speechless, and shoves his shoulder, pasting on a smirk. “Don’t make it weird though, Nurse, I can’t be the first awkward small-town guy who fell for you. I’ll deal with it.” Dex slides back into the Haus, leaving Derek shivering in the night air, chest tight with emotion. He felt like he would burst with hope for something he hadn’t even imagined was possible, but at the same time… How could this work? With every step Dex took away from him Derek felt his chance to say the right thing slip away, and insecurity well up almost as fast as the hope had been. He had barely let himself notice how beautiful Dex was until this moment, and he really didn’t know what he had to offer except disappointment like he had given his friend a moment ago. Dex had laid himself bare for Nursey, for a so-called poet, and had just gotten a blank stare for his efforts. How quickly would he give up on Derek?
He sighed as he slipped inside, resigning himself to Dex taking priority for Chowder’s perpetually upbeat and comforting advice, and made peace with sharing his room tonight with just his insecurities and Dex’s confession rattling around his brain.
___
Nursey tried to give Dex space, allowing Chowder to sit between them at breakfast, trying to avoid bickering or jostling, but if anything, Dex seemed happier and more relaxed than ever, laughing and bright-eyed. Somehow, their routine fell back into place, almost smoother than before Nursey had yelled at Dex over team breakfast, and he realised how much Dex had really changed since their first year, and a not entirely uncomfortable warmth started to grow in his chest whenever they spent time together. Had he not seen it before because he didn’t want to, or because Dex was holding back around him? The Dex in front of him wasn’t the boy with a hot temper and a stubborn streak a mile wide. For how long had Dex been relaxing, getting comfortable with the team, learning to listen and give out small parts of himself, being willing to just smile and cede a point over storming out of every conversation? For how long had he been leaning into casual touch and letting warmth shine out of soft eyes, walls seemingly non-existent?
He wished he could just be grateful for this new development, their banter and joking rivalry now embedded in the same relaxed and gentle friendship he shared with the rest of the team, but as his attention lingered on Dex, he could also feel the same pit twisting in his gut that he felt watching him dance with someone else. For a second, he had Dex’s attention, and he desperately wanted to see how it felt when he wasn’t so drunk and confused and caught up in years of false assumptions, but here Dex was, no lingering glances, no blushing, just… relaxed. He couldn’t help but fear that he’d screwed up so thoroughly that Dex had completely gotten over him, or that Dex had only really wanted the ‘chill’ version of him, not the real Derek that could only sit frozen and slightly fearful when an attractive guy calmly offered up everything he hadn’t realised he wanted.
He was dwelling on this for only about the tenth time that day, as he and Dex sat pressed together in the bottom bunk, rewatching parks and rec, and reluctantly gave in to the constant pull to just stare. Now that he had heard that offer, he couldn’t stop seeing Dex in a new light, the hard jaw, the soft lips, the deep, serious eyes. After a few seconds, Dex’s lips pulled downwards.
“What’s your problem, Nurse?” Clearly aiming for aggressive, the faint uncertainty in Dex’s voice was the first sign Nursey had gotten that Dex was anything other than completely over him, and his stomach swooped. No matter how much he just wanted to hold Dex and melt away any uncertainty, Nursey knew there were a few things they needed to cover.
“I just think we should talk… after the kegster…”
Cold crept down the side of his body as Dex tensed and pulled away fractionally “Nurse. It’s fine. You don’t like me. I said don’t make it weird.”
“I-.. I didn’t mean that. I meant that… I thought totally untrue things about you for a long time and I talked about those things with other people. I made you look bad and I made you choose between coming out and taking shit from me. I didn’t know, but I’m sorry. And I really appreciate you talking to me about yourself. You don’t have to explain yourself to me but if you ever want to talk.. I want to be here for you. I know we have totally different backgrounds but I know what it’s like to feel different, or alone. And I know you’ve been listening to that, and I need to listen to you more too”
Nurse allowed a silence to fall over them, not wanting to push, until Dex muttered “thanks”, shoulders up around his ears.
“Dex. Seriously. This isn’t just a d-man thing, a teammate thing. You’re important to me and I want you to know that.”
Finally, Dex relaxed his shoulders, allowed his head to roll towards Nursey, looking impossibly tired but competely open.
“Nurse. Can we not have this conversation while you call me Dex? Dex is who I had to be for hockey. Who I had to be around the small-town guys who didn’t know why I didn’t treat women like meat. When I’m Dex.. I’m angry. I’m the little ginger kid with dumbo ears that had to get biggest and angriest just to feel safe. Dex is the person that wants to lock anything soft and scared away in a dark room and push away anything that could make him feel warm. If we’re gonna talk… let me be Will here?”
Nursey nods slowly. “Okay”
“And..” Dex looks like he’s rolling his next sentence around in his head, unsure. “You could be Derek.”
“What.” He didn’t mean to bark, but his confusion at this turnaround shocks it out of him, and Dex flinches, stammers out an explanation.
“I’m not saying you’re angry when you’re Nursey, I know that’s my thing. But Nursey is chill. Nursey is the guy that shrugs and walks away from everything. I think Derek… is someone who lets himself care. Derek is the guy that tried to walk me home drunk a few times back in the dorms, would start to actually explain how he connects to poetry and ramble about how autumn leaves make him feel alive…” and Dex is frowning and shrinking and Nursey knows that it’s because he’s letting himself be vulnerable and he has to say something, he can’t let Dex assume he’s getting shut down all over again. But he’s tongue-tied, as usual, watching this beautiful, angry, frightened man open himself up just for Nursey, so he spits out whatever he can think of, and it’s
“Like you care about that stuff”... and it’s rough, and harsh, and Dex looks over at him with hurt in his eyes, but also something softer and warmer, and he whispers “of course I would”
Nursey is overwhelmed by all the feelings that he’s been realising have grown inside him since long before he realised why Dex was watching him, and he lets his eyes flutter half closed. “I know you would” - and he’s leaning forward and his hand is on Dex’s neck and he can feel Dex’s breath on his lips and everything is finally falling into place.
Dex lets out a hurt noise and jerks away, and all of the warmth that Nursey was basking in is gone, and all he can see is how Dex’s eyes are wet and deep and once again, aching from the blow that Nursey has given him without thinking.
“Nurse. Don’t play with me. Please. I want to be in your life. But you can’t just use me cause you need the attention. And I don’t want you doing this because you pity me, or because you finally noticed I even exist just cos I told you how I feel and you know how weak I am for you” and his voice is shaking and fists are clenched.
They’re back again, peeking over the precipice at the top of the rollercoaster, ready to drop down into fighting or worse, silence, again if Nursey lets the anxiety forming at the bottom of his stomach boil out his throat and snap back at Dex. But he doesn’t want to take another turn around the same cycle, with more at stake than ever. He wants to get this right for once.
So he says “William Poindexter”, and he lets his mouth stroke every syllable. The name runs off his tongue like honey, and he lets it float into the air between them, soft and reverent. Something about it seems to get through, and Dex’s tight shoulders drop, almost imperceptibly.
“William Poindexter. Dex. Will.” He can tell Dex is almost ready to believe Nursey is serious just from the way Nursey lets each word form like a prayer, and he marvels in the flush rising up his cheeks and flowing down his neck, the tears that had begun to form teetering even as he ducks his head and smiles uncertainly. Once again, he’s nearly struck dumb, but he forges on.
“Oh, Willl” Nursey whispers as he gently catches a tear.
“Shut up, Nurse.” Will is flushing more furiously now, and Nursey is delightly to feel in his fingertip that a tiny rush of heat does accompany the new shade of red. “Seriously! Just shut up and kiss me.” and Nursey wants to. God, Nursey wants to finally get the end of the messy and difficult path they’ve been fighting their way down for months now, but he’s finally found the words, so he gently places a finger over Will’s mouth.
“Will. I am so sorry I couldn’t do anything when you first told me, I was just… I don’t know if I was needling you this whole time because deep down I just wanted whatever attention I can get. All I know is in that moment I was knocked off my feet at how… real this felt… realising how we’d been building up to it. Seeing you be open with me, seeing you be yourself, it was beautiful-”
Dex coughs, starting to frown, and Nursey moves to cup his cheek instead “William. Seeing you, properly, is beautiful, and I’ll only tell you more if you act like you don’t believe it… That night, I felt like a pilgrim coming to a holy place, and I didn’t want to act too fast and destroy everything. I messed up by thinking too slow instead, and I own that, but I will do whatever I can to let you know how much I do care.”
And Dex lets a tear fall even as he laughs, and reaching out to mirror Nursey’s touch, gently, reverently. “Derek, shut up. I believed you from the second you said my name. Just, kiss me, please?”, his voice fading from chirping to plaintive, and this time, Derek leans in without a second thought.