Work Text:
"Nanako, am I a bad person?"
Shimazaki scratches between the Labrador's ears and she lets out a whine, probably not listening to a word he says. He continues anyway.
"I don't know why it took me this long to realise that what I was doing was wrong," he tells his guide dog, "I mean, Fujimoto said that I grew up in a 'hostile environment' and Suzuki used that to his advantage… I don't even know what that means , you know. But I don't think it excuses what I did in Claw." His dog doesn't answer, instead pawing at his chest with a somewhat forlorn look in her eyes. Another whimper leaves her throat and Shimazaki laughs, before teleporting the two of them from the bedroom to the kitchen. Once there, he finds a bag of dog food and pours it carefully into her bowl, managing to keep most of it off the floor. A few moments later he hears the sound of her eating, her collar hitting the metal edge of the dish. He smiles and lets out a sigh.
"You're a good girl, you know that?" he says, "I owe Toshiki a lot for paying for you…"
His voice trails of as he thinks of his partner; a part of him is grateful for them. Without then, he'd still be sleeping on people's couches and raiding their fridges in order to get by. Without them he would probably have never got both his part time job and his guide dog. Without them… he doesn't know where he'd be, to be honest, but he's sure he wouldn't be anywhere nice.
In fact, if he hadn't had Minegishi to ground him, he'd probably be stuck behind bars right about now.
But another part of him just feels sick. Minegishi has changed over the last two years- for the better of course- and Shimazaki knows he should be proud of them. Yet somehow, he's not. Somehow, every time he thinks about how far they've come since Claw and how he's basically the same person he was two years ago, and ugly, twisting feeling settles in his stomach and he finds himself having to hold back tears and swallow down a lump in his throat.
Obviously, he's been jealous of others before, but in his mind those people had never been worthy of what they had. Minegishi on the other hand….
He decides not to think about it, and gets up to do something to distract him
He ends up starting to make dinner to take his mind off of it; Minegishi will be home in about half an hour and it only seems fair that he starts working on their food so they get to take a break. It takes a while for him to find the ingredients he needs (Minegishi's been making and sticking braille labels onto their cupboards and food, but a few cupboards don't have one yet) but once he does it's a simple, easy process that he's done before, following a recipe that's pretty much ingrained in his head by now.
It's nice to be independent like this, he thinks as he adds chicken stock to a pan, but it's also strange- he's just learning to do things at the age of thirty years after most people figure them out for themselves. He supposed that it's due to his blindness and partially a result of his time in Claw.
He purses his lips as he feels Nanako bump her head against his leg and he kneels down to feed her a piece of cooked chicken, laughing as her tongue slides between his fingers. He scratches under her chin with a sigh before standing up to wash his hands before he starts cooking again. He goes back to the pan, pouring in the vegetables and stirring them slowly with a pair of chopsticks; from beside him he hears Nanako whine- presumably for more food- and he sighs, hanging her another piece of chicken.
“If you eat too much now you’re not gonna be hungry at dinner time,” he tells her softly, pauses, then- “You know
,
I don't feel like I'm doing anything.” Nanako doesn’t respond, too busy licking his hands to do anything else, so he continues, “It's been nearly two years since the whole Claw thing ended and I'm still just in this shitty part time job that I never get called in for and spending the rest of my time sitting around doing nothing.” Anger starts bubbling up inside him. “Fujimoto said I’m improving or whatever but I’m pretty sure she
has
to say that because she’s my therapist, meanwhile Toshiki’s getting pay raises and promotions and I just…I want to be better, you know?”
Nanako stops licking his hand and instead nuzzles into him, as if to comfort him, and he holds her closer, bringing a hand to his face to wipe the tear that’s rolling down his cheek. “I can’t believe I’m fucking
crying
over this,” he says, forcing a laugh, “I mean, I probably deserve all this, like… I hurt a lot of people in Claw, you know…” He sniffs and wipes his tears again, scratching behind Nanako’s ears before pulling away from her. “Why the hell am I talking to you about this, huh? You can’t understand me. You’re a dog.”
Shimazaki stays silent for a few moments; he’s about to get to his feet and go back to the cooking when he hears a tapping on the kitchen door and suddenly becomes very aware of a second esper’s aura in the room. He focuses and- yep, that’s Minegishi’s aura. His cheeks go red and he stands up, licking his lips nervously as he turns his back and quickly goes back to the cooking.
“Hey, Ryou.”
He swallows. “Hey,” he says, “How was work?”
Minegishi approaches him, and Shimazaki stiffens slightly as he feels them wrap their arms around his waist, hugging him from behind. They don’t say anything at first, gently kissing his cheek as he pushes the food around the pan. Then, after a minute or so of silence of silence, they reply, “Are you okay?”
Shimazaki’s hand stops moving at their question. He narrows his eyebrows and opens his mouth to answer. “Of course,I-” he snaps, but cuts himself off mid-sentence. Then, with a sigh, he relaxes his shoulders and goes back to stirring the vegetables in the pan. “Well, I think I’m okay… I mean, I don’t know, I…”
Minegishi rests their head on his shoulder “It’s fine if you’re not,” they point out.
“I know.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Shimazaki just shrugs, and they press another kiss to his cheek before they pull away from him. They stand beside him and he feels their fingers brush over his on the pan, their fingertips calloused and warm against his skin, before they take hold of the handle and gently pull the chopsticks from his hands. “I’ll finish this,” they say, “Could you set the table?”
Shimazaki nods and does as they ask, relieved that he doesn’t have to talk about it. There isn’t much to say anyway- at least, not much that Minegishi hasn’t already overheard.
They don’t talk about it at dinner; Shimazaki asks his partner about work and they tell him that the yakisoba is really good, and they’re really proud of how good his cooking is getting. It isn’t brought up while they’re washing the dishes either- instead Minegishi turns on the radio and the two of them hum along to songs that they don’t really know as they clean up their dishes. For the rest of the evening they stay on the couch; Minegishi keeps the radio on, playing gently in the background as they read a book and Shimazaki lays half-awake with his head in their lap and Nanako sat on his stomach.
They do, however, talk about it later that evening, just as they’re getting ready for bed. Shimazaki feels the mattress dip beside him as his partner gets in, and he smiles and wraps his arms around them. There’s a comfortable silence for a few moments before they speak, snuggling into his chest as they do.
“I overheard you earlier,” they say, “When you were talking to Nanako.”
Shimazaki sighs. “I know you did,” he says, “But if it makes you feel any better, there isn’t much more to say than what’s already been said.”
Minegishi hums softly, though he’s not sure if it’s in agreement or if they’re just thinking. Running his fingers through their hair, he waits for a response- which he eventually receives after a few minutes’ contemplation. “I’m not upset, you know,” they tell him, their voice so quiet it’s practically a whisper, “It’s fine that you feel like that.”
Shimazaki snorts. “You sound like my therapist.” He laughs, but Minegishi doesn’t seem to find it funny.
“Maybe there’s a reason why your therapist says that,” they tell him, resting their hand on his stomach and stroking their thumb under the line of hair running from his belly button to his hips. “You know, when I saw a therapist after Claw, he told me that half of getting better is admitting that something is wrong in the first place. You don’t have to talk about it right now if you want to, but I want you to know that I’m always here for you, okay?”
Feeling a familiar lump in his throat, Shimazaki swallows. What Minegishi’s saying doesn’t make total sense to him, but in a strange way he still knows that they’re correct. “S’pose you’re right,” he mumbles, “But I-”
“I’m not done,” they interrupt him, “You also said that you don’t… feel like you’re improving, right?”
“Right.”
Shimazaki listens to them as they sigh, before they push a few strands of his hair out of his face, their fingertips brushing gently over his forehead. “If it means anything,” they say softly, “I think you’re way better than you used to be.” At this he frowns, but still leans into their touch all the same as they cup his face in their hands.
“Am I?” he asks, “Or are you just saying that to make me feel better?”
Minegishi clicks their tongue against the roof of their mouth in exasperation, and even without seeing, Shimazaki knows they’re rolling their eyes. “How long have we known each other now, Ryou?” they say, “Seven years?”
“Eight years next June.”
“Right. And how many times have I called you annoying over those eight years?”
Shimazaki pauses to think for a few moments before realising that there’s far too many times to count, and he’s unable to help the small smile that comes to his face.
“What I’m saying,” Minegishi continues, “Is that I wouldn’t be telling you this if it weren’t true. I know when you’re stuck in a shitty repetitive job it’s kind of hard to recognise your progress, but I promise that it’s there.”
For a while, Shimazaki doesn’t answer. He just lays in bed beside them and thinks long and hard (though perhaps a little too hard). They’re right, he soon realises, he doesn’t see his own progress on the surface, but after a few minutes pondering he comes to a realisation: this time two years ago, he was still in Claw and would’ve killed someone if it brought him temporary satisfaction. Lately, however, he’s been finding himself enjoying more… normal things; he could spend hours playing with Nanako, he looks forward to the super five’s monthly lunch meet-up- hell, even washing up with Minegishi is fun. It’s weird, but it illustrates their point perfectly.
Shimazaki is about to tell Minegishi when he notices that they’ve grown heavy against his chest, their breathing slowed as it tickles his skin. He doesn’t say anything as to not wake them up, leaning over them to turn off their bedside lamp before kissing their forehead and relaxing into the pillow.
As he gradually falls asleep, he wonders where he’d be if Claw’s plans had succeeded, and he’s immediately grateful that they hadn’t. In the end, no amount of power he would have received would ever be as good as this. It’s plain, it’s simple, but it’s fun.
And he wouldn’t change it for the world.