Work Text:
one hand on the trigger of the telephone
wondering when the call comes
where you say it’s alright
you got your heart right
Holly. Luke. Janine.
June’s mind is racing as she quietly tries to let herself back in at the Lawrence house after the disaster that had been her evening at the Putnams. Between not knowing what sort of punishment she’d have to endure for coming between Lydia and Janine in a room full of Commanders and now worrying herself about Holly and Luke’s well being, all she wants to do is lock herself in her room and try to calm herself somehow.
She’s just managed to slip out of her cloak when Lawrence slides out of the shadow of his study. She’s thankful she hasn’t pulled her wings off yet as she rolls her eyes. He’s the last fucking thing she wanted to deal with tonight.
“How was the party?” His tone is smooth and collected as he leans against the door frame, crossing his arms. She can feel him studying her as she hangs her cloak and she hates it. Does she hate him or trust him? She has no fucking clue.
She takes off her wings and drops them unceremoniously on the side table in the entryway. “It sucked.”
Lawrence arches both eyebrows, feigning shock, as he stands upright. “That’s surprising, I hear the Putnams usually throw great parties. Excellent food.”
June takes a deep breath as she gathers herself. She’s in no mood to play any of his mind games tonight. She starts towards the stairs, hoping she can slide past him with little to no trouble. “Well, maybe next time you’ll make it,” she offers one last bit of small talk, a forced smile plastered on her face. She manages to get one foot on the stairs and she thinks she’s home free before Lawrence keeps talking. So fucking close.
“You know it’s a good thing I don’t like to party. Got some calls from the front tonight. From a Commander Blaine.” June freezes, unable to move, every muscle growing tense. Nick. Her mind starts racing again, imagining the worst, his name now joining the loop with the others in her mind.
“You know him?” Lawrence’s voice is low, his tone almost accusatory, like he’s asking a question he already knows the answer to. June squeezes her eyes shut and nods, knowing better than to lie.
“Well, he’s a real pain in my ass. Can’t get him off the phone,” his tone is lighter now and June turns, bewildered, trying to figure out what kind of game he’s playing. Somehow, she knows it’s a trap. A test. What’s the catch? There has to be one. Her mind shifts into overdrive as Lawrence starts to move towards her.
He motions towards his study with his thumb. “The line’s secure. Get your boyfriend off my phone and tell him not to call me after five. He’s a big boy, he can make his own decisions.”
She watches in stunned silence as he pushes past her and up the stairs. “That’s why we promoted him!” Lawrence calls out as he disappears down the hall, his voice diminishing as he gets further from her, still glued in place on the first step.
She waits until she hears his bedroom door slam closed and her eyes close again as she releases the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. She takes a second to gather herself and then turns to hurry towards his office and the black plastic phone on his desk. She’d had one almost exactly like this on her desk at work before, and it looks foreign to her now as she reaches out and picks up the handset, her hand trembling as she does. When she brings it to her ear she’s greeted with static so loud it makes her jump and she’s furious. It wasn’t a trap or a test, it was a trick. She’s just about to slam the handset back down when a voice breaks through the white noise.
“Sir?” Her heart nearly stops. It’s him.
“Nick.”
There’s a long pause while Nick gathers his thoughts. He hadn’t been expecting her on the other end of the line. “June?”
She breathes out a nervous laugh, bringing her free hand up to cover her smile. “Oh my God, I thought he was lying.”
Immediately Nick is on edge. All of the confusion drops out of his voice, replaced with concern, as his tone softens. “You okay?”
“I’m fine. I’m good. He told me you were on the phone. He told me to come talk.” She grips the phone tightly, wanting to be closer to him. She hadn’t realized how much she missed his voice, how much it soothed her.
“Lawrence?”
“Yeah, he said not to call him after five anymore and to make your own decisions.”
Nick takes a deep breath as he processes this, falling silent. He shifts the phone against his ear and the static comes back. The connection sucks, just like it always does. Normally he doesn’t mind if his phone calls drop, but tonight he’s willing this shitty connection to hold on as long as it can. He presses the phone closer against his ear as awkward silence fills the line. What does he say? There’s too much and he’s never been much for words anyway.
Finally, June breaks the silence. “Where are you?”
“Chicago.”
“They really sent you there?” She knows it’s a stupid question, he wouldn’t lie about his whereabouts to her, but she’s just as lost as he is on what to say. She shakes her head as it dawns on her how ridiculous it is that they have a child together but they don’t know how to have a conversation on the telephone. Another out of place first in their relationship.
“It’s where most of the fighting is right now.”
“You’re staying safe, yeah?” She twists the cord of the phone around her finger like she’d done when she’d been in high school and gossiping about boys on the phone with her friends as she waits for an affirmative answer that never comes.
Her stomach drops to her feet at the growing silence.
“Nick,” she says, just barely able to mask the terror in her voice.
“I’m trying.”
“You have to be safe. I can’t lose you. I still mean that.”
“I know,” he replies flatly and she closes her eyes, his words a sucker punch to her gut. He sounds resigned to his fate - death in combat - so he’s closing himself off to protect himself. Fuck that. He can’t lose himself. She can’t let him lose himself. She opens her eyes with purpose. If she’s not enough to remind him to take care of himself, she knows who is.
“I saw Holly tonight.”
That gets his attention, just as she expected. “Where?”
She gives him a run down of how her evening at the Putnams had ended - the iPad, the protest, the Waterfords. Luke. She manages to get through everything before she reaches the conclusion she’d been too terrified to admit to anyone else. “I think they’re going to try and get her back, Nick,” she breathes out shakily as she squeezes her eyes shut, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“They won’t,” he replies easily. She wishes she could be so sure.
She shakes her head. “They might.”
“They won’t .”
“She can’t come back here,” she’s near full blown panic now as her mind latches onto the worst case scenario. What has she done? She’d gotten the Waterfords back on the same team today, helped negotiate their reconciliation. She’d foolishly believed she could trust Serena to be a decent human being. Everything had seemed to be working in her favor. And then that Eye had shown up and she could see everything starting to unravel. She’s sure now that the Waterfords, reunited against her, will do whatever they can to get Holly back in Gilead. And the only person she can really trust is on the end of this shitty line hundreds of miles away. It’s two against one now. She doesn’t stand a chance on her own. She’s fucked everything up.
“June, listen to me,” Nick begins, his voice unwavering. Certain. “I won’t let it happen. I’ll do whatever it takes.” She wipes her face with the back of her hand as she takes a deep breath. She doesn’t know how he’ll do anything from where he is, but she believes him fully. He loves her and their daughter enough that she knows he’ll figure it out somehow.
“She’s so big now, Nick. I wish you could have seen her,” she whispers wistfully as she sniffles. Her heart breaks as she thinks of him alone in a tent somewhere.
“Me too.”
“Someday you will. We will.”
They grow quiet again, this time falling into a content silence, finding comfort in simply being able to feel each other on the end of the line until the static returns, this time worse than any of the times before it. She calls his name, afraid to lose him, to lose her connection, and he sounds a million miles away as he calls out that he’s still there. The call could drop at anytime and they both know it.
“I miss you. I love you,” she calls out through the static, hoping her words make it through to him, knowing he needs to hear them and she needed to say them.
The line goes dead before he can reply, the static replaced with the silence of a dead telephone line, her last words echoing through his head.
I miss you. I love you.
He pulls the phone away from his ear and presses it against his forehead, closing his eyes, whispering the words he hadn’t managed to say back.
“I love you too.”