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Breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. I'm still a little disoriented from the sudden switch to reality.
The first thing I notice is the friction. It felt like someone was grating my skin. I look down and there's nothing there except for the clothes on my person. The grating feeling gets worse when I move and the world distorts for a second, triggering the mostly suppressed anxiety I've had since this morning.
"Are you alright?" Her voice is close enough to help ground me a little more and I sit up slowly.
"Yeah. I, uh, I think I'm good." Not really but I'll get by. I have to.
Zoe is still looking at me with concern, but I just bat her hand away when she reaches to help steady me. It might have been a little mean, but even the shifting of the clothes on my skin was irritating at the moment and having someone touch me could lead to a problem, especially with how shaken up I still was.
"How did- how did I do?" I decide to ask. The silence was almost suffocating as she went back to the monitor.
Frowning. That wasn't a good sign.
Zoe turns to give me a small, comforting smile. It doesn't make me feel any better.
"I'll be right back." She doesn't give me time to respond before she walks out of the room, leaving me with my thoughts.
That was probably a bad idea, I muse as the worried thoughts make their way to the forefront of my mind. Why did she frown? Did I do that bad? Did I rule out all of the factions? What about none of them? Is that a thing I could do?
The next few minutes pass slowly as I slowly get worse and worse theories into my head on what could have happened.
"So!" Zoe's voice is sudden and loud as she almost slams the door back open. I suppress an urge to flinch, but a small shriek still makes it's way past my lips. Zoe winces. "Sorry."
"It's, uh, fine," I mumble a few other things to myself before I'm reminded of why she left in the first place. "Why, um, why did you leave? Was it that bad?"
Zoe shakes her head, then stops and nods, then she seems to give up and shrugs instead. "It depends on your definition of bad, honestly. But by most standards it was, how do I say this, concerning?"
A bad feeling roots itself in my gut. Maybe I did fail. Maybe it was impossible and I did anyway. "Okay? What does- what exactly does that mean?"
She hums a little, returning to the monitor. She sighs as she realizes she'll have to explain it to me. Explain what, I'm not sure yet. Is it really this hard? This complicated?
"Your results were... They were complicated because they were inconclusive." She almost seems scared as she explains. "Which means you... You got more than one result."
Was this why she was so scared? I don't really get it. Doesn't everyone get- I'm struck with the realization that, no, it wasn't normal. I wasn't normal.
"Well, what, uh, what did I get?" I lean forward a little in anticipation of her answer. She purses her lips, most likely thinking of the best way to say it.
"You got three, " she starts and my eyes go wide. Three? "Abnegation, Erudite, and Amity."
This is it.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
I open my eyes just as Max starts the spiel for this year's choosing ceremony. It isn't exciting for anyone.
"Nervous?" The guy next to me asks. He was a little taller than me, but that was expected. Almost everyone my age was, I think to myself looking down the line.
"No! I always...sweat this much." I frown and trail off as I finish the sentence, balling the gray fabric of my sleeve in my hand. It wasn't a lie exactly. I wasn't nervous for the ceremony or even my choice.
I was nervous because I'd be leaving everything I'd ever known. I had always known abnegation wasn't for me. Sure, it was easy forgetting myself and serving others, but it didn't feel right.That and it was hard to gauge people's opinions when they were all busy pretending to be fine.
That, in turn, created problems. The D-A duo problems, being the worst. It felt like I was constantly being criticized and I couldn't help but feel like everyone was against me, even if I logically knew they weren't.
Max gets to the end of his speech and calls out the first name, "Warren, Kaitlyn."
A girl steps out of line. She seems confident as she makes her way over, her long, black curls bouncing with every step she takes. She takes the knife out of Max's hand in one fluid motion and turns around, pressing the blade against her palm. She walks briskly over to the amity bowl and lets the blood from her hand fall into the soil. I briefly wonder how long it took her to make the decision to stay, but the thought leaves as quickly as it comes.
My mind wanders after that, to my choices.
Erudite or amity. Logically, either one would a good choice considering my attributes. But they also had their downsides.
Would they even accept me anyways?
Even if I knew I wanted to leave abnegation, as far as I knew it was one of the most accepting even if I couldn't tell if it was genuine. Even if amity was found on kindness, it didn't exactly mean they weren't prejudiced.
I zone back in when another name is called and the boy next to me steps out. He chooses Erudite.
"Rose, Tyler" I step forward, my nerves calming a little as I focus on walking. My hands are shaking slightly as I take the knife and turn towards the bowls. I glance between the bowl of water for erudite and the bowl of soil for amity.
This is it.
I drag the blade against my palm hard enough to immediately bring up a line of blood. I cup my hand and walk towards the bowls.
This is it.
I hold my hand out, a few drops of blood escaping and falling to the ground.
This is it.
Then I move my hand above the amity bowl, letting the blood that had pooled in my palm fall into the soil.
I've made my choice.