Work Text:
It was 4 in the morning. It was 4 in the morning, and Todd was asleep, and Neil wanted to be, God, he wanted to be, but he had been stuck on #12 for how long? How long? He started working at 7:30, he knew he'd read at least 3 chapters of the textbook, but he couldn't remember any of them. Shit, he'd wasted hours and he had no time to waste, and Todd was snoring, Todd was asleep, and if Neil didn't stop hyperventilating he'd wake him up.
He was crying, when had he started crying? He started working at 7:30, and now his cheeks and blanket and book were damp with tears, fuck, his book, he was supposed to be reading. He was supposed to be the honor roll student, he was supposed to go on to the Ivy League, he was supposed to discover cures and save millions of lives, he was supposed to be a good son, and fuck. He was supposed to tell Todd if he started spiraling again, but no, no, Todd was supposed to be asleep, and Neil was not going to screw that up, just like he screwed up e v e r y t h i n g.
And shit, he was sobbing now, Todd was going to wake up and it would be all his fault. Todd needed to sleep, they had a test tomorrow. They had a test tomorrow, and Neil was crying, but he was supposed to be studying, when did he start crying? He started working at 7:30, and now it was 4, and he hadn't learned ANYTHING.
"Neil?"
God, he knew it, and now Todd was going to be worried about him, and fuck, Todd told him not to stay up too late, he was the best boyfriend, and Neil was the worst. Neil was going to ruin him, just like he ruined e v e r y t h i n g!
"Hey, hey, focus on me. Listen to my voice, okay?"
And he was crying even harder now, he was surprised he hadn't woken up the whole school by now, because he couldn't figure out how to just SHUT UP! He was being loud, and he was being a burden, and he was going to fail this test, fail everyth-
Hand. There was a hand on his shoulder, and he couldn't look because Todd was going to look sad, because Neil couldn't just be happy, couldn't be the actor-
"Neil."
Hand, hand, just focus on the fucking hand...
"Good. Just stay focused on me, okay? It's just me. You're okay."
Except he wasn't okay, he wasn't okay at all, but he was SUPPOSED to be, he needed to be oka- and the hand was rubbing his shoulder, and when did he get so t e n s e? When did he start crying? When did Todd wake up? He started working at 7:30-
There was another hand now, one combing through his hair, and shit, he was so, so scared, but he had to focus on the hands, and the voice- the voice was saying something. Todd. Todd's voice was talking.
"You're okay, it's going to be okay. Breathe, Neil."
Neil, Neil, his name was Neil, and he was with Todd.
"It's just me and you. Good, that's perfect. Just like that, Neil. In and out."
In and out, he could do that, couldn't he? He could do something, right? Right? He used to be able to, before he started-
"Hey, stay with me. Don't go back in your head, yeah? It's okay."
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Todd's with you, and you're okay. You're okay...
There was a hand on his shoulder, and a hand in his hair, and his breathing was finally starting to even out, and woah. Wait. When had he stopped crying? Todd was singing something now, which was special. Todd didn't like singing in front of people, but he knew Neil loved it, loved hearing his voice, because it calmed him down and made him happy. And Neil wanted to know what Todd was singing, so he put all his energy into breathing and turning off his thoughts so he could listen.
"All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive... Blackbird fly, blackbird fly, into the light of the dark, black night..."
Neil's eyes were starting to close. His breathing was slow and even. He wanted to open his mouth and thank Todd. He wanted to tell him how much he loved him. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to, but he was starting to melt into Todd's arms. And he didn't want to move. He didn't want Todd to stop singing.
He could feel himself drifting off, and he hoped Todd wouldn't mind waiting to talk until morning.