Chapter Text
Jungkook lay flat on his stomach, his feet hanging off the end of his mattress. The blanket of his unmade bed was bunched uncomfortably beneath his body, and his head was a good few inches below the pillow. He was still dressed in his sweaty practice clothes, but he didn’t care. Tired didn’t even begin to cover what he was feeling. He was drained, physically and emotionally. He’d been living in Seoul for a couple months, but living away from his family hadn’t gotten any easier. He missed them, especially his mom, all the time, but the ache in his chest for them was more acute at night. During the day he was too busy to spend much time or energy thinking about home.
His days began at 6:00 on the dot when Hoseok woke him up for school. He would shower, dress, and finish any homework he had leftover from the night before. If he had time, he ate a quick bowl of cereal before he left to meet the manager who would drive him to school. If not, he ignored the rumbling in his stomach until lunch. The schoolwork was a good distraction from his hunger and homesickness. School had always been a bit of a struggle for Jungkook. He always managed to get through his classes with passable if not stellar grades, but it was a challenge, especially now that he was in a new school in a new city. He’d made a few peripheral friends, but he was too busy and too exhausted to spend much time with them or even speak to them during class. After school, he went directly to the company building where he joined the other trainees, several of whom were older and already done with school. He spent the evening bouncing between dance classes, vocal lessons, the gym, speech and diction classes, and weigh-ins. There was a brief break for dinner that always consisted of grilled chicken breast and more vegetables than Jungkook would have ever chosen for himself. He, Namjoon, Hoseok, and Yoongi arrived at the dorm after 11:00 at night. Instead of going to bed like he desperately wanted, Jungkook stayed up to work on his homework and get ready for the next exhausting day.
Only after his homework was done did Jungkook allow himself to think about home. If he were still in Busan, he would have been in bed hours ago. Instead of going to work in the afternoons, he would have gone to cram school. Cram school was intense and not a lot of fun, but at least he and all his friends had gone to the same one. His dad always gave him money for snacks, and his mom would have a hot meal waiting for him at home no matter how late he arrived.
There were very few hot meals at the dorm. Yoongi was the only one who could really cook, but he was always either working and sleeping. Instead, Jungkook ate protein bars that tasted like sawdust while he did his homework by himself. At least tonight was a Friday. He didn’t have any homework due for a couple days, which was why he was in bed so early at 11:30. Not even Yoongi had gone to bed yet. Jungkook could hear him and the other boys out in the kitchen. Apparently, Yoongi was trying to show them how to make a simple stew. He heard yelling and the air smelled distinctly smokey, so he guessed it wasn’t going well. They hadn’t asked him to join them, but, in their defense, he hadn’t really given them a chance to. As soon as they had gotten home, Jungkook had bolted to the shared bedroom before anyone else could go in to spend some time alone. He probably should have showered to get the dried sweat off before it began to affect his skin quality, but he still didn’t feel comfortable taking his clothes off knowing that the other boys could accidentally walk in on him at any time.
He buried his face in his arms and allowed his tears to come. He just missed home so much. He missed playing with his brother. He missed watching baseball with his dad. He missed talking with him mom. He missed his friends at school. He missed having free time. He missed feeling comfortable in his own home. In his own skin.
The other trainees were all nice enough. They tried to include him in their conversations when they could and didn’t talk down to him even though he was younger, but they all seemed so much better than him. Hoseok had been dancing for years and had already made a name for himself in the dance community. Yoongi had been rapping and producing and writing music since he was younger than Jungkook. Namjoon was a legendary underground rapper and was a real life genius. Then there was Jungkook. He had taken dance and martial arts classes, but Hoseok was leagues ahead of him. He’d never rapped before and even though he liked to sing and wasn’t bad at it, he’d never had lessons in it before. He kept waiting for the day Bang PD would call him into the office and tell him to pack his bags. The worst part was that part of him wanted that to happen. If he was expelled, he could go home.
He was broken out of his thoughts by the sound of footsteps outside the closed bedroom door. He didn’t think he had been crying loud enough to attract the other boys’ attention, but he couldn’t be sure. He bit down on his lip and forced the tears to stop. There was a knock on the door. “Jungkook? It’s time to eat,” Hoseok called. Jungkook didn’t answer. He couldn’t face the older boys with tears in his eyes.
“Are you dressed?” Hoseok knocked again. “I’m coming in.”
Jungkook squeezed his eyes shut and tried to even out his breathing, his heart hammering as Hoseok came in. He heard him stop in the middle of the room. “Jungkook-ah?” Hoseok called again, whispering now. “Are you sleeping?”
Jungkook fought to keep his features relaxed. He tensed up when he felt Hoseok’s hand on his shoulder, but the older boy didn’t seem to notice. To Jungkook’s surprise, Hoseok didn’t try to wake him up to make him join the others. He felt a warm hand on his cheek. Hoseok thumbed a stray tear away.
“Oh, Jungkook,” Hoseok whispered. “You’re still just a baby, aren’t you?” Hoseok’s hand moved up to pet Jungkook’s hair away from his eyes.
Jungkook held his breath. He was being a baby. The others weren’t acting like this. All of them had moved away from home to pursue this shared dream, but Jungkook was the only one crying for his mother. He wanted to be there. He did. He really did, but maybe he wasn’t ready for all this responsibility yet. Maybe he wasn’t good enough yet. Maybe he would never be.
Before he could spiral into that thought, he was distracted by Hoseok gently pulling the blanket out from under him and tucking it under his chin. “Poor baby,” Hoseok continued. “It’s hard being so far from home, isn’t it? But you’re doing so well. Your hyungs are proud of you, so let’s not cry anymore. You’re okay.”
Jungkook could feel himself blushing and had to fight the urge to bury his head under his pillow. He knew the older boy wouldn’t be talking so openly and affectionately if he thought Jungkook could hear him. Hoseok was by far the friendliest of Jungkook’s new hyungs, but Jungkook had made it clear that he wasn’t comfortable with the amount of casual hugging, kissing, and hand -holding that came so naturally to the dancer. Even so, he felt something loosen in his chest, and a soft sigh escaped him as he relaxed.
“Cutie,” Hoseok murmured. He rubbed Jungkook’s arm for a moment longer then got up and crept out of the room. Jungkook heard the click of the light switch as Hoseok turned off the light before he fell asleep for real.