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“Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option” Dan explains, looking directly into the camera in front of him. Whilst he is saying this with a level of aggression, you can sense the nerves and angst in his voice. His sexuality has been something that he has very much kept to himself for years and then eventually only shared it with Phil. He knew it was time to share this with the world but it doesn’t stop him from worrying about how people will think.
The first eighteen years of his life were a literal living hell and those years constantly replay in his head whenever he even entertains the thought of coming out. But he knows he needs to. He needs to live his truth.
“And the future is clear, it’s pretty queer” continues Dan, smiling briefly.
“Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the dms. And you can all fuck off and leave me alone.. Bye !”
Dan lets out a huge sigh as he reaches over to the camera power button and turns off the camera. The most difficult part of coming out as gay, actually saying the words ‘I’m gay’, is over and done with so that’s something to be proud of, right?
“Well.. it’s done, Phil.” Dan laughed under his breath. He looked directly behind the camera where Phil was sat. Phil always helped with Dan’s videos and vice versa. It was almost like the individual videos on their own channels were still Dan and Phil collabs deep down. And they both didn’t hate the idea of that.
“You did really well, Dan! The worst part was over, editing it will be the easiest part” Phil replied, looking at Dan with the softest and warmest look. Phil knew that Dan needed it. Coming out isn’t easy for anyone but coming out when you’ve had the bullying and life that Dan had, makes it all the more difficult.
“I mean, I think uploading it may be a bigger struggle than me just saying to you and a camera that I’m gay, Phil” Dan laughed. “But I appreciate the sentiment” soon follows. Phil knew that Dan was just a constant ball of sarcasm but Dan thought that cracking jokes at such a serious time, especially when Phil was just trying to ease his nerves, wasn’t the best move even for Dan.
Phil got up from the floor where he was sitting and edged his way over to Dan, putting his hand calmly over his shoulder and wrapping his fingers on Dan’s back. “And I’ll be here for that too” Phil comments, with a genuine smile on his face.
“I will sit there with you as you press upload if that’s what you need”
Phil pulls Dan into his chest so that there is no space in between them. He wraps both of his arms around Dan. Dan, originally startled by the firm embrace, gasps but eventually placed his hands around Phil too, closing the gap even further. Although Dan is slightly taller, Dan’s chin is just about tucked into the crook of Phil’s neck. Phil finds himself being pulled much closer by Dan, much closer than hugs they’ve been exchanging lately but Phil understands, this is going to be a huge step in Dan’s journey.
The hug eventually ends but the two still linger on awfully close to each other. Phil’s eyes begin flitting over Dan’s face, as if trying to read his mind. He could imagine how Dan was feeling but things are different.
“It’s easier said than done I know, Dan, but it truly will be fine,” Phil explains, not breaking the eye contact or the touch that he and Dan had. “If you really think about it, our viewers have shipped us for more years than we can count so they aren’t exactly going to unsubscribe from you for being gay… There’s more chance them unsubscribing due to your lack of uploading” Phil adds, whilst smirking ever so slightly, still looking at Dan for any sign of a reaction. He doesn’t get one straight away.
It’s obvious that Phil is dying to laugh at his joke but wasn’t sure whether this moment was the right one, especially due to Dan’s body language showing very obvious anxiety.
“Shut up you idiot!” Dan allows to escape his lips, but not before shoving and then laughing at Phil.
“I’m not wrong!” Phil laughed back at Dan, poking his tongue out as he chuckled.
After breaking the connection they had for a short while, Dan sat down on the edge of his bed. It was clear that the realisation that what he just filmed had actually hit him. It was happening. Of course, he could still just not upload it, but he knew he had been waiting to post about his gayness for years, so he wasn’t going to back out now like he has done multiple times in the last few years.
He put his head into his hands, his elbows resting on his knees and sighs. Looking around frantically, not necessarily keeping a hold on any particular object in the room, he thinks about how much his life would change after posting the video was more than enough to make him not post the video. At the same time, thinking about how he just didn’t necessarily hide his sexuality from anyone and made subtle hints, made him realise that there truly wasn’t really any worry.
But it was still very clearly there. You can’t possibly know how every single person would react. There’s some extended family who aren’t aware yet, they could disown him or feel hurt that he didn’t tell them first. There’s fans who may just hate everyone who isn’t a straight white cis male. You just don’t know. And that’s the issue.
Phil eventually meets him at the edge of the bed, sat awfully close to Dan – which is fine; they never really knew the idea of personal space even when they were just friends. Almost as if it was assumed, Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulders.
“I guess it’s just my brain overthinking, you know? No one is going to be shocked and I suppose the only thing that people are going to truly take from my video is the whole segment where I talk about you and that they were right in shipping us so, I guess that’s one thing to think about” chuckled Dan, but Phil saw the hurt and almost sarcasm in his voice.
“No,” Phil quickly replies, using his hand to gently pull Dan’s chin upwards so Dan has no option but to look at him. “People will care about you. There will be some people who would be excited over the idea of us but I can tell you now, everyone will be so proud of you. Like I am. It isn’t easy to come out and people will know that Dan, they’ll be so proud of you” he quickly adds.
Dan stares at Phil for what feels like an eternity. Looking at his safety, his home and his future. He feels so fucking safe. He’s never felt this, even a fraction of it with anyone before and now he’s so unbelievably lucky to have found everything he could have possibly wanted in one person. Wow. He knows deep down that Phil is right because he always is, typical Phil.
Phil eventually breaks the silence by leaning over to Dan and locks his lips with his own. It a type of kiss that starts out shy but grows more confident by the second. Starts out shy because of the nerves associated but grows more confident and brave when Dan’s nerves subside, if only for a brief moment, because he has Phil.
He. Has. Phil.
Nothing bad can possibly happen if he has Phil. His entire fanbase, although basically made up of the LGBTQ+ community, could become suddenly homophobic and unsubscribe but it wouldn’t matter, would it? It would sting a little bit of course, but the bottom line, he would still have the love that Phil gives him which is enough to keep a whole country afloat if you asked Dan.
As Dan’s mind completely forgets about all of the struggles he just voiced and the video he just killed, the kiss deepens. A kiss that genuinely leaves them both wanting more because it is so much all at once but equally not enough. But it’s very clearly not a kiss that is given sensually, it was a kiss that was given as a form of affection and trust which is what Dan truly needed.
Phil pushes Dan backwards, as gently as he could, so he was lying down and Phil was on top of him. Whilst it added a sense of heat to the moment, it didn’t take away from the reason Phil had behind kissing Dan. Wandering hands along both of their bodies definitely didn’t help either of them want to escalate the situation but it definitely wasn’t the best time.
Once they finally part, after what seems like hours but also seconds at the same time, the eye contact is not broken. Phil lets out a warm, soft grin to allude to Dan that everything will be okay. Because it truly will be.
Phil moved himself to beside Dan, still keeping close enough contact for the situation to still be intimate. Wrapping his arm around Dan’s torso, he gives him a gentle squeeze and rests his hand on his side.
“Thank you, Phil” Dan managed to allow escape his mouth. Kissing Phil still shocks him as a thing he is allowed to do, even after years of being together.
“I’ll be with you every step of the way, Dan” Phil said, as he nuzzled into Dan’s chest. And they both fell asleep.