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Sundays were always the same in the Dan and Phil household. Wake up. Have breakfast. Lounge around for a few hours. Get changed in such a dramatic hurry because they both left it far too late. Run into an Uber. Run into the BBC studios and attempt to start the show not making it obvious that you are a ball of sweat.
That’s what it was like every week now that Dan and Phil had a radio show every week. More so, on Dan’s side of things because most weeks Phil was the one shouting at Dan for not getting ready earlier. But it was their routine. And they both liked it.
Well, that’s what Dan excused as much. Dan hated it. He loved the radio show and doing it with Phil but that’s also one of the reasons why he hated it. Doing it with Phil.
A few weeks ago, the heat got to both of them. Being shipped with your best friend is one thing but being shipped with your boyfriend who you are keeping a secret from the rest of the world because you want it to be private and special for yourself. It was difficult. It took a lot out of them.
All they wanted was to be together and not be afraid of showing the world but they couldn’t do that. And they definitely could not do that now. The stress of the shipping truly got to them. It led to arguments upon arguments upon arguments until it simply got too much for them.
They broke up a few weeks ago and things weren’t the same since. It was touchy. They didn’t really speak much and when they did, it quickly turned sour and led to more arguments. It was killing Dan because he was still hopelessly in love with Phil. He couldn’t possibly know whether Phil felt the same because Phil was the one that broke up with him. So that hurt too.
Little did Dan know, Phil did feel the same. The break up was crushing him but he just couldn't possibly deal with the stress that came with the relationship. He didn’t exactly want to be public with Dan because he enjoys his privacy a great deal but he just couldn’t deal with the arguments anymore, it was starting to be this toxic relationship he desperately didn’t want it to turn into.
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less though.
“Are you ready yet, dan?” Phil shouts from the other side of the flat.
The weird thing about this Sunday was Dan was actually ready. He wasn’t rushing around trying to both eat a bowl of cornflakes and pull a t-shirt over his head. He was just simply sat in the lounge waiting to go get on with the day.
“Yes, I am! I’m waiting for you for once.” Dan speaks loudly, chuckling afterwards which is followed by a slight echo of a laugh that Dan assumed was Phil’s response.
Shortly afterwards, Phil enters the lounge. He’s wearing his grey wolf shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans that clung to his legs ever so slightly. He wasn’t quite ready to leave but that was soon fixed after he ruffled his hair in the mirror over the fireplace.
Phil turns to look at Dan and laughs, poking his tongue out slightly. “You’re really wearing that?”
Dan looked down, he was wearing a pretty basic black pull-over hoodie and black skinny jeans too. It was rather casual but since doing the radio show for a few years ago, he knew he didn’t have to make an effort for the viewers. Most of them couldn’t see him and if they were watching the video live stream, they were probably his subscribers who knew him.
“What?” Dan said very quickly, almost as a defence. “It’s just a hoodie? I wasn’t going to exactly wear a three-piece suit was I?”
There was a brief silence that neither of them knew how to fill. Dan was just sitting on the sofa watching random afternoon tv shows to pass time and Phil was far too busy looking in the mirror, attempting to fix his fringe.
The silence was something they both were not accustom to since the break-up. Obviously, they had silences when they were dating but they weren’t awkward and now they just felt exactly that.
“Come on then. We best get going.” Phil eventually muttered.
It was 6:30 pm and the show doesn’t start until 9 pm. But I guess neither of them could deal with the silence that they both were suffering in and hoped that anyone at the studio would be able to release the pressure.
~~~~~~
They arrive at the BBC studios together after a pretty awkward Uber ride that left even the driver feeling uncomfortable and they soon make it into the room where they’ll be for the next few hours.
It’s about 7:30 pm now so the radio show wasn’t too long away. It wasn’t too much time before Dan and Phil were inevitably distracted from the awkwardness but they still had some time to kill.
“We should probably get some food before the show, Dan. There’s an Itsu down the road?” Phil explained as he pointed towards the end of this very busy London road.
Dan just briefly nods towards the direction of the sushi restaurant. He didn’t really care about eating. He loves food as much as the next guy but since the break-up, all he wanted was not food funnily enough. But he thought he would agree because Phil was clearly hungry and that was enough.
The walk to Itsu was a quiet one. There was a short conversation about what they were going to do on the radio show and how excited they were to speak to a few subscribers too. An even briefer conversation about what they were going to do when they got home, because talking about home always brings unease to the both of them.
Whilst it was still home, it was a weird one. They were exes living together still. Exes who have had to adjust to being exes when they both didn’t want to be. Yeah, awkward. Because of this, they felt like they couldn’t talk about it to one another.
The conversations weren’t any better when they were eating in the restaurant. They improved because both of them were masked with food happiness and they were both grateful for the brief moment that conversations weren’t making them want to jump into the void.
“This isn’t so bad,” Phil mutters as he bites into a piece of cucumber nori.
He was very clearly talking about the new sushi he was trying but Dan misread it completely and although he didn’t make it obvious, it shattered his heart into pieces. He thought Phil was saying their brand new relationship status wasn’t “bad” and overthinking enveloped any of his remaining reasonable thinking, making him think Phil loved the experience.
He toyed with just muttering in agreement. He didn’t possibly want to make the radio show awkward by voicing his upset at their break up. But he couldn’t help it. The idea of Phil saying he was glad they broke up was just too much for him to handle, he was breaking out into a
sweat, on the brink of a panic attack.
“You know Phil? That’s really fucking hurtful that you say that to me. Esp-especially right now?!” Dan allows to escape his mouth. Instantly regretting the fact he voiced his opinion when they have the whole evening right next to each other.
Phil darted his gaze away from his sushi rolls straight to Dan, with an incredibly confused look on his face and then laughs out, “I didn’t think you’d mind.”
As soon as he said that, Dan felt his head literally explode. Why would Phil say that to his face? “It’s not like you handcraft the sushi Itsu sell, Dan,” Phil adds which a grin.
And that is when Dan realises his mistake. Phil was talking about the fucking food. Not the relationship. He felt like a fool. An idiot in fact.
But can you blame him? The only thing on his mind lately was Phil and the fact he was no longer his, so excuse him for thinking it would be the only thing on Phil’s too.
Phil noticed Dan’s face drop but was even more confused as he was before and the confusion was only increased when Dan said, “What? Oh yeah .. I did make it. And I’m offended.”
It was a god awful lie. Phil clearly could tell by Dan’s body language that it was a lie and Phil quickly understood what had happened. Even more, clarity came after Dan removed any kind of ability to achieve eye contact or physical contact for that matter.
“Dan-“ Phil exclaimed. Whilst he wasn’t entirely sure what just happened, he JUST knew he upset Dan and he couldn’t live with that.
~~~~~
They were halfway through the radio show and whilst you couldn’t notice the tension between the two boys, it was definitely there. That’s a bonus of having two characters on the internet that is a slight exaggeration of yourself, you can easily switch off and no one can really notice.
“Yes, that was Baby I by Ariana Grande! An iconic tune if you ask me.” Dan speaks loudly. Hearing the excitement in his voice is enough to make anyone doubt the true feelings Dan was feeling. He was feeling awful. On the brink of crying in fact but he couldn’t. As much as he didn’t want to make it obvious and he thought people believed the persona he was upholding, Phil wasn’t buying it.
It wasn’t weird for either Dan or Phil to look at each other during the radio show, so Phil could get away with it every time he wanted to check up on Dan. The only issue was Dan wasn’t even attempting to reciprocate the looks, so it just kinda looked weird.
“Let’s take on our next caller.”
“Hiya Dan and Phil!!!!” the caller screamed down the phone.
They had a brief conversation which didn’t really escalate any more from how are you?! and small talk until Phil asked what song the caller wanted.
“I would like for you to play I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz if that’s okay guys?! Thank you. I love you both so so SO much.” exclaimed the caller as the call died out.
Both Dan and Phil looked up immediately quickly from the radio console. It was their song. Their. Song. A song has never held so much meaning to either of them as much as this song did. For as long as they had known each other, they had both dealt with their fair share of bad cards, but they dealt with it together. And this was the song they relied on during the difficult times.
But what could they do other than play it? If they refused, people would assume it’s weird and make some weird fan theories about it.
“Okay let’s go! Thank you caller.” Dan voiced as he pressed the play button on the keyboard and the intro to the song began. Taking off the headphones, Dan sighed but not obvious enough for anyone to really notice at home. But Phil did.
When I look into your eyes, It's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise. Well, there's so much they hold.
The lyrics were so difficult to hear. Things were different now and neither of them could help it. Well, they could. They didn’t need to listen to the constant talk of their assumed relationship, they could just ignore it. But it had happened and it’s too late to take anything back.
Phil looked unbothered which, to be honest, upset Dan even further, but they were both not giving away how they were truly feeling. What Dan didn’t know is that Phil kept constantly gazing at Dan from the corner of his eye, not enough to make it obvious on camera because people would see.
Phil couldn’t handle it though. This song was torture and whilst the break up was his decision, he didn’t want it. Why would he want that? He loved Dan and even the thought of a world without him was too much.
This was when Phil stopped beating around the bush and didn’t just look at Dan in the corner of his eye, he moved his head. He was looking directly at Dan at this point but Dan was not budging.
Dan was messing with some random buttons on the radio console in order to distract himself from the situation but this is where Phil saw an opportunity. He too pretended to mess with some random buttons as he eventually glided his hand slowly over the board until he reached close proximity of Dan’s. This was when he simply used his pinky finger to rub Dan’s hand, as a sign of affection and comfort.
It’s not an understatement when it’s said that Dan panicked. He truly didn’t know what to do because up until now, Dan had been given every single reason to think that Phil hated everything about their relationship, and even now he wasn’t sure whether to believe what was happening.
But Phil wasn’t planning on stopping. In fact, he only excelled the level of affection he was giving Dan. He moved his entire hand on the top of Dan’s and wrapped his fingers into the place where they belong, in between Dan’s, and smiles at the camera – almost as a distraction for the viewers at home so they didn’t suspect anything for the silence.
Phil looks down and nudges Dan.
I won’t give up on us even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up.
Dan glances at Phil, a glance he assumed which be fleeting but he couldn’t have been more wrong. It was at this moment that Dan’s eyes locked contact with Phils and they both had realised how stupid they were being. They both loved each other and both wanted to be together, all they needed to do was be strong together, which they have been doing for many years before so it wouldn’t have been anything new.
Phil, still holding onto Dan’s hand, squeezes it gently but enough for Dan to almost take that as a message. And it was at this moment that they realised where they were. They were live on a radio show in front of thousands of their viewers. Maybe they should save this for later.
The eye contact stopped. Phil’s hand broke away from Dan’s and they both looked into the camera, like they planned it, and looked disgusted in one another just in case any viewers noticed the eye contact they shared. Of course, they did but that was an issue to deal with for another day.
~~~~~~
The radio show continues at a leisurely pace like most weeks do but both Dan and Phil thought the show wasn’t going quick enough. They were still silent upon leaving the BBC studios and in the Uber, although exchanging brief sincere eye contact and subtle touches here and there. Nothing remotely sexual but all acts of affection.
They finally made it home and that was when the silence finally broke.
“So…” Phil exclaimed. “Maybe I have been thinking a little bit and I don’t want this anymore.”
Dan obviously knew what he was talking about but the self-doubt and the upset surrounding the break up didn’t want him to be too hopeful so he just stared at Phil until he continued.
“I think I was too scared, you know? Everyone screaming that we were together when we weren’t ready to talk about it, was too much for me too quickly and I had to escape.” Phil muttered, looking down at the floor because eye contact wasn’t his strongest point when admitting he was wrong about something. “I didn’t want to, I hope you know that.”
Dan glanced for a brief moment and sighed upon sitting down at the edge of the sofa. He was thinking about everything that had happened those weeks ago when they argued for hours. How hurt he was when Phil said he couldn’t do this anymore and how he cried himself to sleep that night, and every night afterwards for days afterwards.
“I don’t get it. What’s changed?” Dan asked. He could see the reaction on Phil’s face to what he followed after his question, “You said you didn’t love me. I just don’t understand what has changed.”
“That was a god awful thing for me to say, Dan. I know that. But you have to know I didn’t mean it.” Phil replied quickly, as he sat down next to Dan, hesitantly placing his hand in Dans. When Dan accepting the hand holding, Phil gave it a gentle squeeze so Dan knew he was telling the truth.
Dan turned his entire body to face Phil, still keeping a hold of his hand. That’s the thing with these two, they could speak about their emotions all they wanted, but if there was no connection, it meant nothing to either of them. The hand holding was important, at least to Dan.
Dan still didn’t say anything. He wanted to but he didn’t want to say the wrong thing and fuck everything up by getting the wrong impression from what Phil was saying.
“I love you. Always have, always will. I don’t know why I tried to kid myself that I didn’t because I do, truly.” Phil continued, staring right at Dan. Looking at every inch of his face like it would have been the last time he was able to do it. His pale skin. His freckles. His dark brown, gleaming eyes. “Can you please say something? Anything?” The silence of Dan was beginning to stress him out. He knew that Dan was probably processing what was happening because it was a huge deal but the anxiety was eating away at him.
Dan eventually broke his silence after what felt like hours, at least to Phil, and said, “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay. I- uhhhh. I don’t know how the fuck to process this. W-well.” Dan’s ability to form coherent sentences wasn’t perfect at the best of times but especially now when he was flooded with sheer levels of intense emotion. Phil was saying everything he wanted to hear, so why wasn’t he able to just accept it and be happy?
Phil didn’t once move his gaze to anything other than Dan’s eyes, even though Dan was not returning the graceful eye contact. After all, he had done, he was the one who ended the relationship that he wanted back, he needed to seem sincere and genuine for Dan to even believe what he was saying, so eye contact was just that.
Eventually, Dan looked up and locked eyes with Phil. And that was suddenly enough.
Phil grins and leads in, creating what was already a very small distance between them into practically nothing. They can feel each other breathing and can almost hear one another’s heartbeats. Phil pokes Dan’s nose with his and rubs it softly, which Dan meets with a shy smile. Even to this day, Phil is still shocked about how much Dan’s smile stuns him. It’s truly beautiful and he can’t help but stare in complete adoration.
They eventually allow their lips to meet in the middle with a soft kiss that doesn’t last all too long. It wasn’t intended to be a steamy kiss, it was more a kiss that showed affection and in some ways, for Dan, trust.
It was a kiss that led to another and another and another. Each kiss lasting for incredibly short periods of time but were enough to allow them to taste each other and gain confidence. With each kiss, more passion lingered on their lips and although they weren’t attempting to take it further, they both wanted to.
Breaking the kiss, they begin to look at each other whilst not breaking the contact, hands still being held and foreheads touching. The kiss seemed to say everything Dan wanted to say but couldn’t find the words to do so.
“I think that kiss said what I wanted to,” Dan muttered, slightly out of breath.
Phil smiled and pecked Dan again, “I think it did.”