Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Young Clarke age 4-6, family death, meet the family, school time, goodbyes.
A young and sluggish Clarke laid curled beside her mum, Abby Griffin on her parent’s bed. Her mums face had softened and fallen into a peaceful sleep. One of her mummy’s arms is wrapped under and around Clarke's tiny body and the other arm laying softly over her lower stomach, moving softly up and down with each breath she took as she dreamed.
Clarke was resting her head upon her hand supported by her elbow, lazily playing with her mummy’s soft wavy brown hair, letting each curl move through her little fingers.
Clarke was always intrigued watching her mummy sleep, watching as her mum’s eyes moved rapidly under her eyelids. She wondered why her mum’s eyes did that. Why her eyes were constantly moving under her eyelids like they were racing.
She questioned whether it was because her mum was having a nightmare, although the rest of her mum’s body was relaxed and barely moving. She thought it’d be good to ask her mum about this when her mummy would wake up. But for now Clarke didn’t want to disturb her mum, she liked moments like these when it was relaxing and still. When there wasn’t any yelling or crying, or any loud noises.
Clarke’s eyes drifted to her mum's hand on her stomach and the small bump beneath her mummy’s palm. She asked her mum why there was a bump a couple of months ago.
Abby laughed softly and patted Clarke to sit next to her on the couch. She told Clarke she was pregnant again, that Clarke was going to have another brother or sister.
Clarke’s brows furrowed at this, she didn’t think she would want another sibling, and she already had two. She also wondered where her mum kept getting these babies from, surely three children were enough.
Clarke loved her little brother and little sister, she had too, that’s what her daddy, Jake Griffin, said whenever they had fights. She also really liked playing games with them and playing Barbies with her sister. She just hoped this new baby was at least a bit nicer, not as smelly and not as annoying.
Clarke continued to watch her mummy’s belly, trying to see if maybe she could see the baby kick or see if the belly got any bigger beneath her mum's palm. It didn’t. Clarke looked back up to her mummy’s hair, she thought her mummy’s hair was like a princess, long and pretty. She noticed her mummy’s baby’s hairs moving in the breeze. The ceiling fan above her and her mum, was on the highest speed. The fan looked like it was going to fall off with the speed it was going at. It had been at this speed because it was a hot summer’s day. Clarke didn’t really enjoy the hot, only when she had cold deserts like popsicles and played in the water.
Today her mummy had bought popsicles for all three children to eat outside in their backyard earlier in the day and play out in the sprinklers. Clarke was in her favourite togs all day, pink and purple frilly ones. Fairy floss ice block flavour, dripping down her chin. Her hair out in a blonde curly mess drenched with sweat and water.
While her brother and sister were just wearing their nappies, running around and slipping in the grass. Clarke was always careful, not running as fast knowing it would hurt if she fell. She also wore togs because it’s what you are meant to do, and doesn’t want to get sunburnt like her daddy did that one time at the beach. He was red as a tomato and he looked really sore. She didn’t want to go through that.
Clarke was grateful she didn’t wear nappies like her siblings. She liked feeling grownup in that little way. She considered herself to be a big girl and would have to look out for her sister and brother.
Clarke’s brother Michael is a year younger than Clarke, but he is the opposite of Clarke, always finding a way to get himself into trouble and hurting himself. He craves adventure and adrenaline. He has short strawberry blonde hair, big blue eyes like Clarke and always wears a big cheesy smile.
He currently has three bandages on his body. The first from when he scraped his knee playing on the driveway with daddy. He was running too fast for his little body. The second bandage is on his chin from when he was at the dinner table eating spaghetti, standing on his chair, then started dancing like a crazy person as a result slipped off his chair cutting his chin on the edge of the table. The third one is on his back from scraping his back on the tap in the bath.
No matter how many times mummy and daddy tell Michael to calm down and be careful he finds a way to get hurt. The plus side to having Michael as a brother is that he doesn’t have a stop button so he likes doing things for Clarke like pushing her on the swing or pushing her around on the little toy car when her parents are too busy to.
Her sister Chloe is two years and a bit younger than Clarke, Chloe just turned two. She is fierce, bossy and always wants to get her own way. The second word Chloe ever spoke and most used word is ‘no’. She can scream like a dinosaur and get grumpy like grandad does when they eat all his cookies.
When Chloe is nice and feeling playful she likes to play Barbies with Clarke, although she doesn’t know exactly how too, she likes playing along with Clarke and likes listening to Clarke’s stories about fairies and ponies. She usually follows Clarke around copying her, which can be quite annoying but Clarkes starting to get used to it. Clarke usually has to take care of her sister the most as she is the baby of the family.
Chloe and Clarke are starting to share and have the same things, it almost makes Clarke feel like she lost some of her stuff but she’s learning that it’s okay to share things. Even Clarke’s special fairy dresses and lip glosses.
Mummy and Daddy usually yell at Clarke if Chloe is whinging, they usually assume its Clarkes fault. Clarke thinks Chloe is just doing it so she gets a hug from mummy. She even took what Clarke used to say when she was upset “mummy and daddy cuddle” when Clarke wanted cuddles. Sometimes she wishes she had her parents to herself but she also likes playing with her brother and sister, and truth be told she does love them dearly and can’t imagine her life without them.
So this is why Clarke won't wake up her sleeping mum, she knows her mum gets tired with looking after all of her children and needs her nap just like her brother and sister do. Her favourite place is inside her mums cuddle. She feels safe.
Clarke hears her own name being called from outside her mum’s bedroom. She almost forgot that her Nana was making her lunch and setting up the TV to watch a movie on. She was too caught up with cuddling her mum. Clarke tries as swiftly as she can to unwrap herself from her mum to sneak out without waking her up. Along with her brother and sister who are napping in their rooms.
Once she’s outside of her mummy’s room she carefully walks to the lounge room, careful not to wake up Chloe or Michael from their nap time. Clarke doesn’t need nap time anymore. So when Jake is at work and it was Abby’s day off and time to spend with her children when they aren’t at day-care or kindy, Jakes mother comes around and helps out.
Once Clarke enters the lounge room she sees that her Nana has made her a sandwich with a cup of cold water sitting on the coffee table. Her Nana is resting on the couch and smiles noticing Clarke entering the room, she opens her arms for Clarke to sit in her lap. Her second favourite place.
Clarke’s Nana has always been Clarke’s best friend, even better friends from the kids she knows at kindergarten. Her Nana had the best smile and laugh and gave the best hugs. She also loved playing with Clarke for as long as she can remember. Her Nana gave extra attention to Clarke, probably knowing that most of the attention had to be given to the younger siblings at times. But Clarke also felt like her and her Nana had things in common and that they would be best friends forever.
Nana also treated her like a big girl and would help her be brave. She always held her hand when they went out to the park or to the shops. And she held her hand extra tight when it was time for kindergarten, promising Clarke that she’d see her at the end of the day.
Clarke would always listen to stories about her Nana, she loved listening to all her stories and what she knew. She told Clarke that there were angels watching over her, keeping her safe. Clarke argued that it was Santa that did that. But Nana insisted that the angels did as well. That whenever Clarke was sad or hurt that they would help her feel better. Clarke didn’t argue with her Nana. She believed what her Nana said. Because she was the smartest lady she knew.
She also knew Clarke very well, knowing what made her upset and happy to what she didn’t like on her toast. She was starting to know her Nana very well too, for example, that her Nana loves frogs, crystal rocks and a crunchy chocolate bar while watching the TV after dinner. She wanted to learn so much more.
As Clarke leaned into her Nana, her Nana started stroking her head and playing with Clarke’s hair, just like Clarke had done with her mum.
Nana spoke softly. “You’re a good girl for putting your mum to bed blossom”
Clarke nodded slowly, eyes now on the small square TV a few feet away from her, the Wizard of Oz’s opening credits playing. Her Nana’s favourite movie. Clarke had laid with her mum while her mum was awake, her mum saying that she needed to close her eyes for a little while, saying she’d make Clarke lunch in a minute. Clarke played with her mum’s hair until her mum was fast asleep.
“Yeah, she was very tired” Clarke answered her Nana.
Her Nana reached forward to place the plate on Clarke’s lap, for Clarke to eat her sandwich. Clarke smiled and started nibbling at her sandwich. Trying to not let any crumbs spill.
“Are you tired blossom?” Her Nana asked settling into the chair as much as she could with Clarke on her lap.
“Nah, I’m just hungry and wanna watch the Dorothy movie” Clarke responded eyes still on the TV. Clarke barely watched TV. Only on weekends. When her Nana came and bought over a movie. Or in the morning but that was just the news with big confusing words.
“Okay, darling” her Nana responded.
Later into the movie, she felt her Nana’s chest start to shake and she started to hear giggles from her Nana. Clarke started to laugh too, she would usually laugh when her Nana laughed, mainly because she thought her laugh was the best. But also because she wanted to be like her Nana. Her Nana always says laughter is the best medicine. Clarke would try to make her Nana laugh when she could, playing tricks or doing something silly. She really did believe her Nana. Laughter is the best medicine.
It was two more nights until Clarkes 5th birthday. Clarke loved birthdays and loved getting presents. March 15th was her birthday, that’s what her mummy and daddy told her and she wrote it down in her notebook so she wouldn’t forget. She had a birthday party planned with a big blow-up castle with all her kindy friends and their siblings coming along. Some of mummy and daddy’s friend’s kids were also coming. Around the same age as Clarke. Although Clarke was nervous she was also super excited because she had her mum make her a princess birthday cake. It was in the fridge freshly made ready to be eaten.
She was also excited because her boyfriend would be coming. Wells Thelonious. She had known him since they were in nappies. Clarke’s dad and Well’s dad; Jaha, were best friends. Their mum’s would say Clarke and Wells are boyfriend and girlfriend and should get married one day. Clarke loved the idea.
Clarke loves playing with Wells, especially in the playground, where he holds her hand down the slide and helps her build sandcastles. She also likes playing with him in the bath because they kiss and splash each other, he makes sure to give her all the bubbles so she doesn’t miss out. He’s in Preschool now, and a year older than Clarke.
Wells is always so nice to her, she wishes they would go to the same school when they get older and they can grow old together. That way she doesn’t have to worry about not being safe.
He always says I love you when they say goodbye and she says it back loving the feeling of a blush spreading in her cheeks. She really does like Wells, whenever they kiss she gets butterflies in her belly and when they kiss in public they get a happy audience and reaction of ‘awes’. He is her third favourite place.
As her mummy and daddy tucked her and her sister in their shared bunk bed in their shared bedroom. She couldn’t help but notice her mummy grumble and rub her belly. Her bump was really big now. She said her baby brother was due soon. Hopefully not on her birthday because she doesn’t want to share that, that’s her special day. Clarke was getting nervous about another baby. She was happy to have a sibling but she was nervous about the crying and all the rest of that baby stuff. She knew she’d have to be a good big sister and help out. But she also wanted her alone time. She rarely got that anymore.
“After tonight it’s one more sleep until your birthday, Clarke,” her daddy says to her after pacing a kiss on her forehead. After hearing him say that she starts grinning ear to ear, kicking her feet under the covers out of excitement.
“I want a birthday!” Chloe rebuttals. On the bottom half of the bunk bed. Her daddy rolls his eyes at that and goes to leave with mummy.
“G’night mummy and daddy” Clarke barely whispers as her parents smile and turn off the light only leaving the glow in the dark fairy stickers shinning in the room. They close the door halfway as to not upset Chloe and let the hall light shine in.
On her birthday morning, she wakes up bright and early at 5.30 am, tossing and turning until her sister under her starts to stir and gets up to wake up their parents.
She opens her presents after too many banana pancakes for breakfast made by her Nana, that grins the whole time making them. The family all sit in the lounge room indulging Clarke as she gets excited as she opens what she thinks are the best gifts in the world.
Later her birthday party starts and almost everyone is here, she thinks anyway, there are too many to count. Her older cousins who are in high school are there, her uncles and aunties. Her friends, Wells and his family and her pet dog Cookie, named Cookie because she looks like a cookie.
After playing in her big backyard with all her friends going on and off the jumping castle for what seems like forever she hears her Nana start to sing from behind her. When she whips around she sees her Nana holding her princess cake and her mummy wearing a party hat, holding a big video camera wearing a big smile on her face. She runs over to get a closer look. Then all at once everyone starts singing happy birthday to Clarke. She loves and hates being the centre of attention. She likes the attention and feeling loved but can also become nervous very quickly.
It’s very loud with lots and lots of people singing. Clarke’s cheeks start to hurt from how much she is smiling and giggling, she starts nervously playing with her tiny fingers. She follows the cake to the table further away from all the chaos the kids have made in the yard, ready to blow out the candles. She then notices Wells reaching to hold her hand and she grabs it, he’s holding her hand the whole time. Smiling and giggling with her. He gives her a sloppy kiss on the cheek, followed by a flash of a camera go off in front of them. So he does it again so his mum gets the perfect picture.
Clarke at this moment is the happiest she thinks she’s ever been surrounded by her friends and family, all her favourite people in the world, there for her. She wishes it was her birthday every day. At the end of the song, she notices Michael waddling over, getting closer to the flames on the cake. After everyone stops singing she is quick to blow out the candles. Already knowing what her birthday wish is. Also not wanting her brother to be set on fire.
She wishes to be happy forever, and for all the chocolate in the world.
“You know your mummy and daddy are going to need your help when the baby comes Clarke?” Clarke’s Nana states as she is cleaning the dishes.
Clarke is sitting on the bench watching her Nana cleaning the dishes, watching as she makes a lot of bubbles and makes sure to clean all the food off the plate. Clarke’s legs are dangling off the edge, she plays with the end of her favourite pink skirt.
Her daddy is coming home from work soon and her mummy is giving Michael a bath again after he ran out in the back yard and slipped into muddy puddle. They had just washed their hair.
“Yeah I know Nana, but… I don’t want to clean him” Clarke pouts, referring to her soon to be the newest sibling, whilst staring at the dishes thinking her least favourite thing to do is cleaning. Especially smelly babies. She starts furrowing her brows and pouting slightly at the thought of cleaning up dirty nappies.
Her Nana giggles noticing her scrunched face. “You know I had to wipe your daddy’s bum when he was a little baby, and so did your aunty because he was the baby of the family. But she was eight at the time. Older than you.”
Clarkes face only scrunches up more at the image her Nana describes but starts giggling soon after. Imagining her daddy as a baby with her nana much younger, is quite funny. It’s also funny to imagine the adults she knows now as being little like she is. It just seems so weird to imagine.
“Yucky daddy poo!” Clarke exclaims marking a fart noise with her mouth only getting a laugh from her Nana in response. Jake always makes a point to make fart noises at Clarke. He’s so silly Clarke thinks.
“But Clarke all I’m saying is that you’re a big five-year-old now, and you are the best big sister, you make everyone happy when you help out.”
Clarke grins proudly at that. She does like making people happy and she knows she does have to help where she can, even more so now that she’s five.
Clarke’s Nana continues. “Because sometimes I might not be around to help as much…” her Nana trails off focusing back on the dishes. Clarke gets confused by this.
“Why?” Clarke asks almost in a sing-song tone swinging her legs, gripping the edge of the counter, poking her tongue out.
“Well… I might be busy, or away…” her Nana answers softly.
“Why you go away, Nana?” Clarke asks even more confused. Why would Nana go away, where would she go and how and would she come back? How often? Less or more? Would she go with granddad, she didn’t like granddad. He wasn’t her daddy’s real dad and he was annoying and could be rude to them and especially Nana. Abby and Jake were always cautious around him. They blamed him for Clarkes Nana becoming depressed with time. Plus he smelled like smoke and mothballs. Clarke was filled with questions now and wanted the answers.
“Where would you go? You don’t have to go away Nana” Clarke continues. Almost try to suggest that her Nana really doesn’t need to go away, especially after the new baby comes. Her Nana sighs and finishes off the last dish she’s working on.
“Clarke darling” her Nana grabs her knees. Clarke shivers as her Nana’s wet and soapy hands touch her knees, she stops swinging her legs and looks at her Nana. Her Nana has her serious face on, she wonders why again.
“Sweetie, just… sometimes Nanas can leave for a while and-“
“I don’t want you to leave” Clarke half grumbles half whines.
Clarke’s mummy comes in immediately after hearing Clarke noticing what’s happening. She looks cross, her serious face is on as well. She is holding Michael on her waist as he’s wrapped in a towel, just out of the bath.
“Barbara please don’t talk like that in front the kids please, you’ll only upset them, I told you” Abby hushes.
Then Clarke’s mummy leaves in a huff and Nana huffs, biting her bottom lip and her eyes are focused on the ground.
Why was mummy upset now? Talk like what? Why will Nana upset us? Why would Clarke be upset? What did mummy tell Nana? Did Nana tell mummy this? These thoughts raced in Clarkes mind.
“Nana, I’m sorry I got upset, please tell me. I don’t want you to leave.” Clarke whispers. Trying to get her Nana’s attention back. She’s really confused.
Nana looks up half smiling.
“It’s okay Clarke, I don’t want to upset you or anyone else. I’m not leaving” her Nana softly tries. “Besides me and you, plus Michael and Chloe are going to spend some fun time together while your mummy and daddy go away for the weekend.” She tries to change the mood and topic.
“Is it ‘cause of the new baby?” Clarke asks quickly, still whispering.
“What? No blossom-” Nana responds
“Is it ‘cause of me, my fault?” Clarke again fires.
Nana almost looks shocked by this. She cups Clarke’s cheeks with her palms and whispers back.
“It’s no one’s fault, Clarke, I want to stay with you forever and ever. I’m always with you.”
Clarke nods taking in what her Nana has said. She feels better now that she knows her Nana wouldn’t leave her and it’s not her fault.
“I love you blossom, my beautiful angel, don’t forget that”
Clarke then lets out a tear she didn’t realize she was holding in. Her Nana always knows when she is upset. Sometimes Clarke can let her anxieties get the better of her.
“You are so strong and brave and beautiful and funny and smart and a good little helper.” Her Nana calms her. She loves the feeling when her Nana says all those kind things. Her Nana always knows how to calm her down.
“I just want you to know that another baby will be extra work. Do you understand?”
Clarke nods, her face still being held in her Nana’s hands, her big blue eyes still watery looking up at her Nana lovingly.
“You’re such a clever girl. I love you” her Nana kisses her forehead.
“I love you too Nana” Clarke responds quietly and then her Nana gives her a big a hug. Clarke takes this as an opportunity and wraps her feet around her Nana’s waist and lets her Nana carry her to her room just in time for bedtime story before going to sleep. She was really tired.
-Later-
She remembers Friday afternoon after kindy being exhausted and her blonde curls falling out from her ponytail as she made her way to meet her mummy at the pickup area. Then being surprised to see her Grandmother M, waiting for her. Not only did she see her Nana all last weekend but now her other Nan was here. She nervously walked over poking out her tongue then once close enough hugged her waist.
Grandmother M was Abby’s mother. She was so excited. She rarely saw her mummy’s mum anymore. They called her Grandmother M. They only rarely spoke to her on the phone. The last time she saw her she thinks it was when Chloe just started walking. Her Grandmother M just got a new boyfriend; Greg, and lived even further away now. That’s what mummy said. They had driven up to meet the new baby and lend an extra helping hand.
She spent all afternoon telling her Grandmother M about her week at kindergarten. She later found out that her mummy and daddy weren’t coming home for a while because mummy was ready to have a baby soon.
She was super excited but already missed her mummy and daddy. But she was also confused. Usually, her other Nana would come over and look after the kids when they were out. That’s what happened last weekend. She liked the idea of having the two Nana’s together. Because it rarely happened. It was double the love.
It was Friday midnight when Grandmother M woke the children up to get into the car to drive to the hospital. Clarke was really tired but she made sure Michael and Chloe were okay beforehand. Giving them their blankets and putting on their shoes. Double checking their seat buckles. So she didn’t get back to sleep, because Grandmother M and Greg asked her to help her for most of the night. They arrived at the hospital. Clarke didn’t really like hospitals they were very creepy.
When they arrived at the hospital they walked to a waiting area where Jake and his step dad, their Grandad sat waiting for them. Grandmother M settled down and held a sleeping Chloe on her lap whilst Michael sat down on Grandads lap staring around the room unsure of where he was. Jake stood up and took Clarke's hand and walked her to an elevator. He told her that she had to see someone. Clarke tiredly followed along and tried to rub the sleep from her eyes.
The hospital was very big and had long hallways. Some were plain white and some had art and drawings on the walls. She noticed the beds and medical equipment and became nervous. There were so many rooms all of them had no colours. She wished she could paint them pink. Clarke was then picked up by her daddy and taken into a room where her Nana was in a hospital bed watching the TV above her and eating something that looked like yogurt, she didn’t look happy, she looked sick. Her eyes were tired and her skin flushed. Clarke was confused now. Why was her Nana in the hospital looking sick? Where was her mummy and the new baby?
Her daddy put her on the bed with her Nana and he spoke “I’ll be back, I’m just going to go back and check on Abby. They said she going to have a long wait.” then gave Clarke a kiss on the forehead, weakly smiled and left leaving the door slightly open. Clarke looked at her Nana confused.
“Are you okay Nana?” Clarke asked in a sleepy voice.
“Clarke I’m not my best but I wanted to see you quickly before you got to meet your baby brother.”
Clarke nodded and moved towards where her Nana patted to lay next to her. The sheets were itchy.
“I’m sorry its late blossom, can we have a little chat” Nana started coughing. Clarke didn’t like when people were sick. She hated being sick herself. But she put all her attention to her Nana and tried to stay awake.
“I’m sorry you have to see me like this. But I need you to know that I love you so much and to never change because you are the most beautiful soul.” Clarke misses the tears rolling down her Nana’s cheeks.
Clarke nods and yawns. Cuddling into her Nana’s chest avoiding the wires and the annoying beeping.
“I love you too Nana, and I’ll make you your favorite chocolate cake when you get better” Clarke responds hopefully cheering her Nana up. Her Nana loves cake.
“Thank you precious girl. Please don’t ever forget that I love you always and that I’m always proud of you no matter what okay?”
Clarke listens and understands she nods. She’s not sure why her Nana is staying all these things but she understands what she is saying. This is why her Nana is her favourite because she always says the nicest things to Clarke.
After that they start having random conversations from what she was watching on TV and how Clarke would paint the room to make it more cheerful.
Clarke eventually starts to fall asleep when her Nana starts playing with her messy curls and humming her to sleep. She hums some wizard of Oz songs. Slightly off tune, trying not to cough again. She hears her Nana whisper a soft I love you so much and Clarke responds sleepily before sleep takes her.
~Later~
She wakes up in her Grandmother M’s lap. They are in another hospital room, this one has some blue on the walls. She's not sure how much time has passed or how she got here. It’s still night time though, maybe early morning. Looking up, her Grandmother M looks tired. Her eyes are really red. She’s talking to her mummy. Who looks grumpy but is also crying.
“Mummy?” Clarke groans sleepily. She sits up and moves to the bed opposite her where Abby uncomfortably sits, she climbs on the bed and wraps her arms around her mummy and her still full belly.
“Clarke darling it’s time to go home now. Your Grandmother is going to take you home. I’ll hopefully see you soon. And when I came home you’ll have a baby brother” here mummy tries to get out happily. She doesn’t understand why she’s crying and trying to smile. It seems odd but she’s too tired to ask questions. She sees her daddy in the corner holding her brother Michaels' hand. Michael is leaning against their daddy’s legs, one arm wrapped around a leg, looking confused and tired. While Chloe is wrapped in her daddy’s other arm asleep sucking on her thumb. Her daddy has red and puffy eyes. She then notices her Grandmothers boyfriend outside the door waiting.
She takes her Grandmothers offering hand and waves to her mummy whispering a soft love you see you soon.
She gets back home and crawls into bed not wanting to get up forever. That trip really tired her out.
-Sunday-
It’s been a whole day since her Grandmother has heard from anyone. Clarke knows this because she hears her Grandmother on the phone to her boyfriend talking about how stressed she is. Her boyfriend is at the shops buying food for the family. The whole day goes by pretty fast. It’s a regular day. She writes in her notebook ideas on a cake to make for her Nana and everyone to share. She wonders if her new baby brother will like cake. She draws a picture of her family. She asks her Grandmother M for a movie but she puts on a grown-up TV show. So Clarke plays with Michael and his dinosaurs. Giggling whenever they sneak up on their Grandmother and scare her. But the fun is soon ruined when her boyfriend Greg gets angry and tells them to play outside.
The next night during dinner she hears a knock on her door. Her Grandmother M huffs and gets us all downstairs to open the door. She says guess who’s here excitedly. Clarke hopes its Nana. She wants to tell Nana about her cake idea. She was thinking that maybe they could put sparkles on it with pictures of fairies.
But when the door opens it’s her mummy and daddy smiling holding a crying red baby. A loud screaming baby. Mummy and daddy eyes look sad but they smile like their happy. She doesn’t understand why. Clarke goes to look behind them to search for her Nana.
They ask who Clarke is looking for. Clarke grumbles and says Nana as if it’s obvious. The adults all look at her with pity. She doesn’t understand. Nana was with mummy in the hospital too. Unless she went back home.
“Clarke looks it’s your new baby brother, come over and look at him, dear.” Her Grandmother M suggest overly cheerily.
Clarke ignores this, she’ll have plenty of time to be with the baby.
She asks if her Nana went back home. She keeps asking questions which keep getting ignored through the night, while everyone is too busy and focused on the new baby. Until her mummy has put the baby asleep in her arms and Grandmother M is in the bathroom with Michael and Chloe getting them ready for a bath.
Clarke is finally alone with her parents and the crying baby is asleep. Her parents look conflicted. Her daddy starts to wipe his red eyes and takes the sleeping baby in his arms to distract himself. Whereas mummy doesn’t stop herself from softly crying and whimpering. Clarke sits in Abby’s lap, Clarke is so confused and frustrated, and she just wants her Nana and not this baby anymore. It’s too loud for her liking. She starts to think back to when her Nana said she might leave after the baby. Clarke gets even more confused and upset.
Her parents once calmed, begin to focus Clarke to listen to what they are saying. So Clarke listens and tries her best to understand what they explain to her. They tell her that Nana is up in the sky now. That she’s not coming back. At first, Clarke is confused and asks questions about what that all means. Her parents seem deflated and soon grow grumpy and tell her to get ready for bed.
Clarke cries and cries. She doesn’t want her up in the sky she wants her here on the ground with her. They were supposed to be together, she told her that she’d make her Nana a cake for when she was better.
As days turn into weeks Clarke learns that her Nana is never coming back despite her best wishes and tantrums and that maybe she knows why she had to leave. But she is so confused. She doesn’t want it to be her fault. But she sometimes feels like it is. She worries and worries. She wants to go back to before the baby was born. She wants to tell her Nana so much. She wants to cuddle her again. To make her laugh again. To do anything with her again. Back to when she had her Nana all to herself. But it doesn’t happen. She makes sure she looks after everyone because her Nana said so.
She sometimes dreams of her Nana that it feels so real. Soon those dreams go away though. She doesn’t know if she misses them. She doesn’t know if her parents miss her Nana as much as she does.
New memories are made, with new family friends and family. She learns more about her baby brother and watches how everyone interacts with him. He brings happiness to everyone. Mummy and daddy smile more with him. Baby Aden. Maybe it has to be this way? Unfortunately they can’t keep her dog Cookie, her parents say it’s too much stress and that Cookie deserves a better home. Clarke wanted to argue but it was too late. She kissed Cookie goodbye. She hopes Cookie has a better family. She cries that night.
A new year starts. She cries less and that make her parents happy. They form new routines and habits. Clarke starts learning new things now starting at preschool. It can be hard and boring. The teachers lose their tempers easily, it’s very strict. Very different from kindy. Boys are annoying and messy. Always teasing girls and chasing them around the playground until they are tired and flushed. Clarke much rather enjoys playing with the girls.
The only boy she does play with is sometimes on the weekends with Wells, but only when it’s just them alone. But being a year older then her means he’s smarter than her and starts to like new things. He starts to drift away from Clarke. Other times he comes over is on play dates with other families and various kids. Wells sticks to playing with the boys. But they don’t like playing with her. So instead she plays with her baby brother Aden. He always likes to play with her.
She promises Aden she’ll never leave him, especially with the smelly boys. She tells him stories about their Nana, telling him that she watches over them from the sky and that Nana loves Aden. Clarke knows he doesn’t really understand but he listens anyway, wrapping his tiny hand around her fingers and gurgling up to her, his baby blue eyes wide and searching her face.
Clarke had a long and tiring day at preschool because her mummy made her the wrong sandwich, meant for Michael, then argued with her teacher. Therefore she was hungry most of the day.
Her mummy sat everyone down that night at the dinner table and whilst eating she explains how her own mum, Grandmother M is leaving that weekend to go away overseas to live with her boyfriend.
Clarke doesn’t really understand the overseas part but from what her parents explain to her it’s very far away, so far that you have to fly on a big plane to get there.
It makes Clarke upset, she wishes people didn’t leave, but she offers over some of her coins to give to her Grandmother to have just in case of her Grandmother getting into trouble. Mummy does make the point that money is important and we can’t just spend it on anything, only on important things. Clarke thinks her Grandmother will appreciate Clarke’s money.
Clarke tries not to blame herself. But she can’t help but think maybe she was naughty or did something. Maybe that’s why her family kept leaving her. Why Wells didn’t like playing with her anymore.
That night she curls up with her mummy and daddy in bed feeling distraught. As she falls asleep she hears her mummy grumbling incoherently to her daddy, she only really hears Abby saying she is upset by her own mother’s rash decision to leave the country with a guy that didn’t have her best interest at heart. Jake starts rubbing soothing circles on Clarkes back and holding Abby’s hand in the middle of the bed over Clarke. Jake tries calming down her mummy. In the background is heard the soft snores of Aiden fast asleep in his cot next to their queen sized bed.
Clarke falls asleep wishing things didn’t change so that bad thing didn’t happen. She felt everyone’s stress and held it in her heart with her. She worries more and more. Maybe she’ll feel safe again. But her tightening chest suggests otherwise.
(Clarke school life, age 10-13, friends, society, struggles of growing up, depression, theatre, bulling.)
Clarke attended a school named Polis State School. Clarke felt like school took up most of her mind and time. Long 7 hour days. Writing. Reading. Typing. Eating. Listening. Speaking.
She thought as she grew older she might become wiser and if she understood more, she would like school even more and it would start being fun. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. She probably understood less the older she got. The more she grew the newer things were introduced to her, whether it be academic or social.
Clarke found it hard to keep up with it all and stay focused, often daydreaming playing with her long curls and getting lost in thought. She tried extra hard to stay on top of her school work no matter how tedious. She tried to be interested in things her friends cared about, tried to keep up with the latest things that kids her age range liked and admired. But there was so much. It was overwhelming. She would much rather play with her Barbies or scribble drawings. She couldn’t care less about multiplications and what a six-pack was.
She couldn’t fall behind, she had to keep up with her classmates and her teachers. But it seemed once she was just getting the hang of one thing another topic harder would be brought in to look at. Once she learned about one popular trend something else came in. It was moving really fast for Clarke to keep up with.
She realized that asking too many questions made the teachers groan. That made Clarke feel like she was letting everyone down. She felt silly for having to get something re-explained to her. So she tried to be quiet and understand the tasks before her or at least pretended to. She was the shy girl at the back of the room trying not to get distracted by the colours of the flowers outside. Or think what animals the clouds looked like. The teachers didn’t have time to stay with Clarke, or accommodate a teaching style for her. She had to keep moving and remember all these things. It made her dizzy. Her notebook became messier and messier.
She wished she could just sit still and take a breather, everything around her was so fast-paced. Or maybe that’s how she thought of it, maybe she was just overthinking it. She didn’t know, but she felt like it was a race and she was losing.
She didn’t want to be left behind. That scared her. If she was left behind she would be alone and Clarke didn’t like the thought.
She started noticing how girls and boys started acting differently around each other as well. At ten she realized that it means something else if you hang out with a boy alone that means you must like him. She thought that it was just friends but now it meant something else.
She learned that kissing was both gross and romantic. That girls must wear dresses and look pretty for the boys otherwise you’re somewhat unattractive. Clarke wanted to be likable and pretty.
That you must have a crush on a boy or you’re lying to yourself. So she found the boy that was nicest to her. Thinking that boy will do. But you can’t have a crush on the same boy your friends have.
That boys play sports and are strong, while girls dance and play with their hair and nails. But Clarke loved playing sports and getting energised. She also loved tackling the boys just like she sees at her daddy’s football games. But she also loved putting sparkly clips in her hair. A friend of hers told Clarke she had to choose between the two.
That you must always have a pretty smile. That if you’re a girly girl, the boy will like you more. That if boys cry they are acting like baby girls. That boys are faster. And many more. She thought all of these things had to be correct. Especially if most people believed it and her friends did.
It really did confuse her. She thought she was a girly girl because she really liked pink and dresses and playing with her dolls and plaiting her hair. But she also really liked playing sport and running. Playing and watching football with her daddy and brothers. She liked action movies. She likes being silly with the boys and making gross jokes that none of her girl-friends would laugh at. She was confused about where she sat in her social world. Sometimes she’d sacrifice things she really did like to do, with things she thought she was supposed to do.
It felt wrong but she thought that that’s how she would be better equipped for this new time in her life.
At age eleven she learned entirely new things she never wanted to learn. And that was about the female body. She was horrified one hot summer school morning when she was about to leave for school with her siblings, only to find blood on her underwear. She had heard about it before. She heard lots of things. Things about sex, alcohol, periods, Santa is fake (she learned that when she was nine), how to ride a bike, phones, computers… but didn’t really understand it fully.
She wasn’t really prepared for the day she ‘became a women’ as her mum called it. She stayed home that day soon feeling sick. Her mum helped her with everything. It was an awkward and painful day.
When she arrived at school the next day all her friends asked why she was away, and when she answered them, the weird questions flooded in. Some she didn’t know how to answer. “Does that mean you’ll have babies? Can you stop it? What does it look like?” And lastly “maybe you’re pregnant.” She felt nervous and intruded on.
She wanted nothing more than to be alone that day, away from prying eyes and male teachers who she felt embarrassed to be around now. Especially since her mum told her in more detail about why women have periods and more about sex and making babies. She knew now that times were really changing. Crazy girl hormones her dad once called it. She was one of the first girls to get her period in the grade. Clarke felt alone.
But as the year went on she found out more girls she knew got their periods, had started growing hair on their bodies and formed breasts, and so much more then she could’ve imagined. She felt less alienated. Clarke never really paid too much attention to her growing body, she noticed some aches and growing pains but brushed it off. She didn’t know until pointed out that she had bigger breast than most of the girls her age. At the realization of her B cup size, she continued to feel embarrassed and reverted inwards again. A constant struggle it seemed. Wanting to hide them away and not to be looked at by the hormone crazed boys that never seemed to maintain eye contact with her anymore.
At age twelve Clarke had one main group of friends that consisted of all girls. Most of them had been at the school as long as she had (seven years), and only a few were new to the school, only being there for a couple of years. They were quite a close group, some more than others. Clarke’s favourite was Samantha and Brooke. This was the age where she learned just how mean girls could be.
Becca was a somewhat leader of the group, she had short black straight hair and pointy green eyes. Always making her opinion known and getting grouchy when someone disagreed with her, she truly thought she was the smartest girl. The girls always tried to one-up each other in some way, whether it was about looks or grades. Making statements that they were better because of their body or grades or voice or athletic ability. That made Clarke upset, she didn’t like comparing herself.
That’s all Clarke knew after a while. That’s how most girls around her interacted, if not in conversation there would be a snarky comment or a judgmental side-eye. Clarke didn’t know if she should join in or run away.
Becca liked to be in control the most though, making a point of putting people in their place. She belittled Clarke most of the time, but Clarke usually laughed it off, she thought that friends must stick together, she could deal with it. Becca would often make a teasing comment on Clarke's lack of knowledge about some topics, the other girls would laugh. She couldn’t help that she wasn’t good at everything like her friends claimed. She never had the mind for math and science. She just didn’t get it. But she knew being upset got her nowhere.
Clarke had learned by now to push away that feeling, so Clarke laughed with them.
Becca would frown and huff that Clarke’s hair was always so curly and unkempt, saying no one would like her if she didn’t try to look pretty, or at least wore makeup. That green eyes were prettier than her blue ones. She made fun of Clarke whenever Clarke would bring up her goals and aspirations. She did a lot of things that Clarke soon came to realize she hated.
Clarke found solace in one friend though who she had met when she was eight and had been close ever since. Her name was Samantha but liked being called Sam for short. They did things that Clarke actually liked to do. Read and write, roleplay, play sports and watch funny movies. Clarke felt safer around Sam, more relaxed.
Sam’s and Clarkes big families got along as well, so they saw each other a lot outside of school. Clarke thought Sam was the prettiest girl. Her big brown eyes with bushy eyebrows, and long dark curly hair with beautiful copper skin. Clarke would tell Sam she was really beautiful, like a princess. Even if Sam didn’t think so. She would find herself thinking about their futures together, hopefully living in a big pink mansion together with a lot of animals. She always felt giddy thinking about their future.
They used to bath together but stopped when they had started reaching puberty. But that didn’t stop them from being close and cuddling and holding hands when they got the chance too. Clarke loved Sam. They loved being close to each other and telling their secrets, fears, and funny stories.
It was their Saturday sleepover night that they did almost every weekend, after playing netball for their sports club. They would go to one of their houses and spend the night together. Sam was a night owl, whereas Clarke was not. She enjoyed sleep a lot. But she stayed up with Sam listening to her crazy theories about the world around them. She loved the way her mind worked. Sam was talking about aliens when Clarke decided to throw a pillow over her best friends face.
Sam squealed and threw it back at Clarke harder. She climbed atop of Clarke and started tickling her wriggling body.
“How dare you interrupt me when I’m talking” Sam tries to say seriously while smiling down at Clarke. Blue eyes boring into brown eyes.
“You started to get boring” Clarke tried saying whilst laughing and trying to breathe under Sam.
Soon Sam stopped, folded her arms across her chest and looked at Clarke with a big grin. Clarke loved her smile, she was so pretty. Sam’s brown eyes always sparkled when smiling.
“You don’t think aliens are real?” Sam amusedly questions Clarke.
“Actually yeah, I’m looking at one right now” Clarke replied back with a smirk.
Sam’s face resembled offense but they both knew they were just teasing each other.
“If we are ever captured by aliens you’re the first person I’d volunteer to get taken away,” Sam remarks poking her tongue at Clarke and sliding off her friend to lay back down next to her.
“Thank you kindly”, Clarke replies smugly.
The room goes silent for a minute.
They both know Clarke is about ready to fall asleep anytime soon. Sam smiles softly at her friend's tired features. She pats on her chest for Clarke to lay her head down on. Clarke follows and wraps her arms around her best friend.
“Please don’t drool on me Clarke” Sam whispers jokingly. Clarke smiles at this but snuggles closer into her friend. She has been known to do that.
She’s close with her other friend Brooke but nothing like this. Some of her other friends think it weird that she is so close with Sam. That she likes her affection. Especially since most people think Sam is nerdy and boyish. They say cuddling is for babies and couples. But Clarke doesn’t understand why something that feels so nice can be bad? So she pushes their comments away and enjoys her time with her snuggly best friend. Alone in their own little space.
Clarke feels warm and fuzzy in Sam’s arms, always content with her. She knows Sam always has her back. Never judges her but is silly with her. She’d always be there for Sam. She thinks the world of her. It reminds her of her five year old self with Wells.
Clarke slowly falls asleep listening to her best friends breathing and her nose filled with Sam’s scent of sandalwood and jasmine, with thick cotton sheets on top of them. Her happy place.
Clarke thought she was used to losing and gaining friends by now. Sam always remained a constant in her life luckily. But it still hurt when other friends ignored Clarke or refused to talk to her anymore. She blamed herself. Clarke always tried to be there for people, tried to be the good guy. But it didn’t seem to enough. With friends coming and going Clarke had hit a new low.
She doesn’t really know how or why it happened.
Clarke was diagnosed with depression at twelve. She had already been diagnosed with anxiety shortly after her Nana passed away. And now this.
She thought it made her weak. She just wanted to be a normal kid that didn’t take medication and see the doctors constantly. To be a kid that didn’t feel overwhelmed by emotions and numb at the same time.
She was sick for a long time. Didn’t want to leave the house. She didn’t like socializing or big events. She didn’t like school. She felt distant from her family. She felt alone and scared. All the typical things you hear about depression. She remembers watching her younger siblings play on their trampoline bouncing a small giggling Aden on the mat. They were full with joy and hope. Clarke envied that.
But it all happened at once or maybe it was slowly happening and it had finally reached a breaking point. She was no longer happy like she used to be.
When she was diagnosed her dad Jake started coming to more of her netball games. He started to talk to her and her sister Chloe more. Whereas he was focused on her brothers before. More about the girls lives, more than surface level stuff conversation.
Over the years he becomes focused on his work, working full time and coaching football on the side.
Her mum Abby becomes more protective, always asking what Clarke was doing, how she was feeling, always making sure her teachers knew what was happening and her in turn. Clarke can see it taking effect on her own mother’s mood. She can see her mother blames herself. It was no one’s fault.
Abby was also a busy woman working most nights at the hospital as a nurse. She never had much time for her family either. Clarke was grateful that her parents were more present but she couldn’t help the pain in her chest, the fuzziness in her head. The frustration in her veins.
She tried to focus on her sports and her extra-curricular activities her parents had her doing since a young age. On things, she used to enjoy.
Hanging out with Sam. It helped a little. But it never really went away. She stared to stop caring. She stopped playing with Chloe, she found it dull. She watched more TV, read more books, and spent time by herself more, in her dark room with the blinds closed. Clarke was always drained of energy, she craved being alone after school. She liked her alone time.
Grandmother M arrived back in the country when Clarke was nine years old. Apparently, after a couple of weeks living with her boyfriend overseas in America, he left her to find a better job and claimed to not love her anymore. She spent that Christmas holiday alone and poor. Years later down the track they met again and decided to get back together and eventually move back to Australia.
They still rarely saw or spoke to Clarke and her family. When they did see their Grandmother M it wasn’t the friendliest of times. The most memorable of times is one Sunday afternoon the family was all sitting around the table having lunch. Clarke was not her usual cheerful self. But she tried to be happy in front of her Grandmother M. Even though her Grandmother told it was nonsense that she had depression and that everyone has bad days.
Clarke on this particular day was wearing mostly all black, for no other reason than liking the outfit and feeling comfortable in it. Her grandmother in her floral outfit moaned about Clarke’s choices as of late and asked what she was trying to achieve. Clarke confused by this asked what her Grandmother meant.
“Those clothes; it looks like you’re trying to be a lesbian darling, it’s unbecoming of you.” She stated distastefully.
Clarke was thrown back by this statement both flustered and angered. Why was Clarke a lesbian for wearing clothes that she liked? Was that bad? Was wearing black bad? Were lesbians something to be ashamed of? Was what she was wearing ugly? This only made her become more resentful.
Her Grandmother usually made comments about her family and how it didn’t meet her standards. Her daughter Abby’s weight, her parents’ marriage, the children’s lack of success, she continued to find new things to complain about. So Abby continued to distance her family from her mother with time. It was draining. Clarke felt like she was soaking in all the negative energy.
Clarke wanted to love her Grandmother but god she was resentful towards her. She picked and prodded at her and her siblings. Wanted them to be proper and elegant. Clarke hated that her Grandmother couldn’t just love her for who she was. She already tormented herself enough. She didn’t like people on the outside doing it, especially family.
One night when Clarke was feeling particularly low she confided in her grandmother, seeking comfort. Her grandmother thought this was her moment to shine.
Her British accent still strong. “I completely understand love, but be grateful for what you have got, there’s no point stressing about pointless things.”
Clarke could see her point, but Grandmother M continued.
“There are starving children, people dying of disease, poverty-stricken countries, people without limbs, people who are obese… you honestly have nothing to worry about. I don’t think you’re really sad. It’s all in your head. You need to be productive and remember people have it worse than your privileged life.” And then some.
“When I was your age I didn’t always have running water. Or food on the table. My father died and my mother was abusive… I’m so happy I moved to this amazing country when your mother was young. Anyway just count your blessings love.” She finishes cheerily.
Clarke cried herself to sleep that night. She felt guilty, ashamed and like a burden.
“You’ll get over it”
“Stop being so negative”
“Just be happy and have some water.”
“Push away the negative emotions”
These comments were constantly thrown her way by her peers, friends, family, colleagues, and teachers for many years to come. She tried to believe it.
Becoming a teenager was tough, just like it is for most. It’s confusing, frustrating and weird. But also exciting.
Clarke with help from family and therapist learned what to value in friendships and what makes her happy. Just like Sam did. People like Becca weren’t a part of that. Soon enough Becca moved schools, after teacher and parent dramas between the two girls, Becca left and it was time for Clarke to get better friends. And that’s what she did. She met two of her next close friends. Raven Reyes and Costia Russell in community theatre.
At thirteen Clarke liked to do theatre on the side to boost her confidence levels, she liked exploring and escaping into new worlds. She always had a knack for it as a kid and loved creating worlds with her Barbies. It was just like the role-playing she did when she was younger but more structured of course. She tried to keep smiling despite fighting the demons buried within herself. Her mother’s suggestion to try theatre was a great one but a scary one.
Raven was just as funny and quirky as Clarke could be. They instantly clicked. She felt like she could be herself around Raven, she reminded her of Sam, she knew they’d get along. They became quick friends. Theatre was stressful and they were glad they had each other throughout. They grew up together with it.
Unfortunately Raven went to a different school so Clarke didn’t see her as much as she would have liked to. But nonetheless, they kept in contact by texting and calling each other. Sleepovers and parties. As well as signing up to perform in shows together.
Costia was a part of the cast as well. She was mainly a dancer, something Clarke wasn’t really skilled at. She knew Costia from school as well, she was a new girl and Clarke decided that since they did theatre together why not hang out at school and show her around. Costia was forthright and overly confident at first, and to be honest startled Clarke. But after a while, they grew close and formed a solid friendship. The three girls were inseparable in the theatre.
Clarke knew from then on she wanted to be an actress and perform as long as she could into her adulthood. Theatre was scary but it was also thrilling. Clarke becomes addicted to the thrill. It reminded her of her favourite theme park rides. She was terrified at first but once pushed into it she loved it and wanted more. Plus she had three amazing friends by her side. There was a glimmer of hope in her life again. Despite the negative, she wanted to be better and do better.