Chapter Text
"Holy shit! Kenny... He's dead.” Stan muttered somberly, looking at his friend who bled from the large chunk missing from his torso. Cartman and Kyle stared at the morbid seen with shock and wariness along with Stan, baffled from watching a bear dart out of the forest trail they'd been walking along and murder their friend. Stan tugged Kyle along and once the two boys began to walk Cartman followed, looking back a few times at Kenny's lifeless corpse.
As they walked away, the scene they just saw slowly but surely dissipated from their minds, carrying on with their day as if Kenny had just been home sick. Soon enough Kenny was reborn in the night, put in that signature orange parka, the blond waking up as the sun hit his eyes from the dawn. He groaned, feeling a phantom pain where his flesh had been ripped out of him only a few hours before and forced himself to sit up groggily, looking around his barren, trashy room. He could hear his brother and sister getting ready for school, splashing around in the recycled dishwater they poured into the tub for baths.
He shrugged off his parka, using a discarded towel to wipe off remaining goo from his lovecraftian rebirth with a slight grimace, mostly used to it by now. He went to work getting dressed, yanking on his jacket and backpack and making his way out the door to meet his friends at the bus stop. They usually caught the earlier bus so they didn't have to wait around with their siblings.
Just as he was making it there, he could hear the conversation the group had already started about their plans for the day once school let out.
"The woods again? We went there yesterday." Stan pointed out.
"Right, yeah. But, think of this guys, what if we found like, some kind of future alien shit that dropped off from outer space. It could happen, I saw it on this very informative documentary." Cartman urged, Kyle scoffing at the claim. "Yeah right, fatass. What documentary?" He prodded and Cartman immediately bristled, Stan noticing Kenny just then and using that as a distraction. "Oh, hey Kenny! You wanna go to the woods again today?" He asked, Kenny's eyes widening a little thinking about his luck in the woods. "Uhh, what about the arcade? I hear they have a four player deal going on." He suggested, Cartman groaning immediately.
"Kenny, like you could even go to the arcade. We'd just have to end up sharing our quarters with you, which is something I'm simply not willing to do, even if you are poor and want everyone to feel sorry for you because of it." He denied, Kenny glaring for a moment at the accusation, as true as it might have been. "Well, we can't just sit around at one of our houses, all of our parents are on that new murder porn show." Kyle grumbled, Cartman clicking his tongue. "Well, if you guys aren't gonna find cool future stuff I'll just find someone who's cool enough to." He declared, stomping off towards the school without them.
The other three boys eventually got on the bus, riding to school and making their way to class just as the homeroom bell rang. The day passed by normally, Cartman going up to his fellow classmates that he seemed worthy to go on his scouting mission with after school, everyone denying his idea due to credibility. Cartman was just about livid by recess, stomping onto the snow covered playground and plopping noisily on the bench because of his weight. He was grumbling to himself just as he noticed Kenny on the other side of the field, his back turned, looking meloncoly while he plucked grass out of the ground where it stood up out of the sleet.
To Cartman, this seemed like a promising emotional state to try and manipulate Kenny to going with him, cautiously glancing over at Stan and Kyle who were preoccupied with showing Wendy pictures from their sleepover last weekend and making his way over to the blond.
"Heeey Keenny." The fat boy greeted, sickly sweet like always. Kenny's head perked up and he huffed softly, looking back down at his task. "Oh, hey Cartman. What do you want this time?" He asked and Cartman scoffed. "It's not what I want, it's what you want, Kenny. I said I was going to look for alien stuff in the woods so that Stan and Kyle would be thrown off what we're really gonna be doing in the woods." He explained and Kenny raised an eyebrow. "We?" Kenny questioned. "I said I don't want to go to the woods Cartman, someone could get hurt." and Cartman feigned hurt before shrugging.
"Well, I.. guess if you don't want to see the never before seen, only printed one time Playboy I bought off a sixth grader..." Cartman taunted, beginning to turn away just as Kenny shot to his feet. "Wait, really? Is this for real?" He asked and Cartman felt himself smirk just before he went to face his friend again, nodding enthusiastically. "Oh it's very real Kenny. Now I myself wouldn't touch the stuff since it's for the poor man, but I thought it might be a bonding experience, as friends." Cartman cooed and Kenny grinned, excited and completely forgetting about not wanting to risk getting eaten alive again, more worried about seeing some rare Playboy.
At the end of the school day as the boys made their way out the front entrance Stan and Kyle looked at each other, puzzled as Cartman and Kenny went off towards the woods together without them. "Who needs them anyway. C'mon Stan, let's go see what Token's up to." Kyle dismissed, the two heading off to Dark Meadows.
Meanwhile, Kenny and Cartman had already began trampling through the brush into the entrance of the forest, the path they had taken less cleared so 'they wouldn't get caught', Cartman had told the blond. They kept their pace for a few minutes, Cartman seeming to dig through bushes and kick up leaves, cursing every so often in frustration. "Hey, fatass! What gives?" Kenny asked finally, turning Cartman around to face him as the other boy saw that his lie had run out. "Alright, so when I said I had it, I meant that I had it and hid it in the woods so no one could find it, but I forgot where I put it so we totally have to look all around the forest until we find it." He hummed.
Kenny crossed his arms and shook his head. "No way! You just said that you had it so I'd come help you look for alien stuff. I'm leaving.." The blond grumbled, turning on his heel and heading back the other way, Cartman frowning. "Why are you so afraid of the woods all the sudden, huh, Kenny?" He wondered aloud harshly and the immortal boy was suddenly on top of the fat boy, having knocked him down hard on his back from charging at him. "Because yesterday, I died here when a bear had me for a fucking snack. And last month, when I drowned in the lake. And a year ago, when I was hung on that tree right THERE." He snapped, punctuating his sentence by pointing at a tree where frayed rope still remained tied tightly to the branch but no body to be seen since it seemed to have snapped.
Cartman was wide eyed for a moment before scoffing at the claim. "Yeah right, Kenny. I'm not an idiot, you can't get back at me for tricking you."
"It's not a trick, Eric!" Kenny yelled, his voice sounding a bit desperate while he shook Cartman by his jacket. Cartman found it a little odd that Kenny decided to use his first name like that, beginning to want to believe him if the idea of it weren't so stupid. "Do you really expect me to believe you're a zombie?" He huffed and Kenny rolled his eyes. " I'm not a zombie. I'm just immortal. My parents did something stupid for free beer before I was born and it made me able to die and come back to life the next day." He explained.
"How come I don't remember it then, or Stan or Kyle?"
"Because the deal they made makes it so everybody forgets the moment I die." He added and Cartman finally shoved Kenny off of him, Kenny gasping sharply as his head ricocced off the ground, his eyes bulging. "I've had enough of this." He said as he got up, about to walk away but seeing that Kenny was still on the ground, his mouth agape and his body spasming. Cartman saw the blood pool that was suddenly spreading way too fast and he was back on his knees, lifting up the blond's head and brushing away a thin layer of dirt where there was a concrete block that had been burrowed into the ground. "Holy shit, Kenny!" He cried out and Kenny's eyes flashed to Cartman, unable to speak or move from the blow to his head, his brain exposed while he felt himself slipping away.
It dawned on Cartman what Kenny had just been trying to tell him, Kenny looking like he was trying to grab for something. Cartman shoved his hand in Kenny's pocket and found a small notebook and pen, swallowing before he began writing a message to himself. He ripped it out of the notebook, stuffing both in his pocket as Kenny began taking his last breaths. Just like that he went still and Cartman didn't know how he could possibly forget watching Kenny die like that, but even just as he was standing up from the body, he felt the memory becoming foggy, making his way home bitterly now that he was more focused on not having found what he went into those woods to find.
He didn't sleep much, but didn't know why, ending up going to school the next day in the same clothes. Kenny certainly didn't expect Cartman to be the one to believe him, having felt stupid for trying to convince anyone anymore. Stan and Kyle asked what Cartman and Kenny did together yesterday and Cartman spouted off about how Kenny abandoned him in the woods, Kenny being vague when confronted while they rode the bus. The four were talking idly, Cartman suddenly becoming quiet a quarter of the way left from the elementary school. No one thought anything by it, not even realising as they began to clamber off the bus. Cartman grabbed Kenny just as he was about to head in through the doors.
"Hey, Kenny... Can we talk." He asked, though it didn't really sound like a question in the first place, proven true while the blond was ushered away to a private part of the school field. Cartman held out the note and notebook, looking irritated. "Is this some kind of stupid prank? 'Cause it's really not funny. How the hell did you even get my handwriting like this anyway." Cartman asked, Kenny taking the note and reading it:
Cartman,
It's me, Cartman.
Kenny died yesterday I swear.
He hit his head in the woods looking for cool alien shit.
Ask Kenny where the body is, he'll show you if you ask.
Good luck.
P.s You are incredibly handsome.
"I didn't even know you could write this fast.." Was all Kenny mused, giving the note back to Cartman and taking his notebook. "I can show you the body if you want." He offered and Cartman's eyes went wide for a moment. "Seriously man, you're kinda freaking me out. Haha, good one." He wavered and Kenny grabbed his arm. "It was your fault it happened, you should see it, Cartman." Kenny decided suddenly, his voice a soft growl before he dragged the fat boy away from the school, fighting through the crowd of his peers towards the woods.
Cartman went along kicking and screaming, calling Kenny every name in the book. If Cartman had taken the time to notice, Kenny took them the same way they went yesterday. They stumbled through the brush together, Cartman yelping when he saw Kenny's dead body. He looked to the alive Kenny, then the dead one again. "What the.." He muttered before he suddenly remembered everything that happened the day before in a dizzying flash, stumbling and falling on his ass. "Holy. Fucking. Shit. Kenny, you've got a real life super power!" Cartman screeched excitedly and Kenny rolled his eyes. "No shit, fatass." He huffed and grunted as he struggled to help his friend back up.
Cartman grabbed his shoulders shaking him a little. "We have to tell everyone! You call the news, I'll post about it online." He declared, pulling out his iPhone. Kenny snatched it immediately, clutching it tight. "We can't tell everyone. Even if we did and proved it, they wouldn't remember." He muttered and Cartman frowned. "Then we just record it.." He offered and Kenny laughed. "Trust me, Cartman. No one's going to believe a couple of kids like us, even if we did have proof. I've been trying to tell you guys for years, it's not easy." Kenny explained, stopping for a moment to realise that he was actually talking to someone about this. Like, actually talking about it. He couldn't help but smile a little behind his hood, finding it so relieving to not have this information solely on his shoulders anymore.
Cartman huffed, looking at the body again and walking over to it curiously. Kenny followed, seeing Cartman pick up a stick and poke at it. "Dude, what the fuck? That's my body." Kenny snapped and Cartman shrugged. "It's not like it's still you, c'mon it's a dead body, this is every kid's dream!" He exclaimed and the boy next to him shrugged in response back. Cartman poked at his leg and they both noticed a tear in his pants where some animals had been gnawing, Cartman snorting. "Look dude, they were trying to eat your dick off. What did you have something stashed in there?" He joked, shifting dead-Kenny's leg to see the damage, surprised when he didn't see a chewed off hole where a dick was, but a mostly intact patch of white underwear fitting clad against the dead body's crotch. "Uhh, Kenny? Where the fuck is your dick?"
Kenny crossed his arms, finding himself a little embarrassed and pushing Cartman when he started staring too long. "I don't have one." He said simply, half heartedly wishing that it had been Stan or Kyle who found out first. "What do you mean 'you don't have one'? What the hell happened to it?" He asked and Kenny snorted. "I guess god forgot to stick it on before sending me out.. I didn't have one in the first place." He grumbled, sighing softly. "So, what does it look like, then?" He asked, wondering to himself more that asking Kenny since he was already moving to check on the dead body. The blond shoved him away, using all the force he had to do so, toppling the fat boy over who got right back up and in Kenny's face.
"What the fuck, Kenny?" He growled and Kenny bristled as well, pushing Cartman back again.
"I have a pussy, dumbass! You can't just yank down my pants and look."
Cartman stopped short of pushing Kenny back, freezing in place as he heard this new information. "Wait, soooo.. You're that bullshit transgender thing?" He asked, Kenny rolling his eyes. "Yeah. Everyone is so touchy about the whole thing so I just don't tell anybody. I would be said something eventually, but you and Mr. Garrison had to make it look really stupid and gay. So I just figured I'd let people figure it out themselves." He admitted and Cartman glanced back at the body, his gaze lingering.
"Dude, gross. Why would you want to see it anyway, it's nothing special. Besides, I've seen your's and Stan and Kyle's dicks loads of times." Kenny pointed out and Cartman blushed, unable to get that Kenny was a girl who was a boy out of his head now, glaring at the blond. "If you looked at mine I get to look at yours, that's the rule." The fat boy spouted off childishly, Kenny blushing as well, though his hood hid it for the most part. "I-I don't think there's any rule..." He muttered but didn't seem to mind too much anymore. "Alright.. Fine, but you have to look on.. You have to look on him," Kenny mumbled, awkwardly shifting as he pointed to the dead him.
"Auwgh, no way. It's probably all gross and rotted!"
"It's only been a day, if you want to look just fucking get it over with and look!" The blond demanded, his blush growing on his face so he yanked his hood up higher.
Cartman looked between the dead and alive version of his friend. "What if, and just hear me out here, what if... We stood six feet away and you showed me?"
"I'm not some girl with a delusional pet crush on you, Cartman. Look if you want, I'm leaving." Kenny huffed, making his way through the bushes and back onto a more visible trail, making the trek back to his house.
Cartman shouted out to him and began to follow him, leaving the dead Kenny to rot in the sun and feed the forest creatures. Kenny glanced at Cartman, stuffing his hands in his pocket, seeing the railroad tracks just up ahead that meant he was almost home. "You should go, I know you wouldn't want to hang around here." He muttered and Cartman looked around Sodosopa, a noticable disgust on his face, but he forced it away and shook his head. "Nooo, it's cool. I can't be caught in town anyway since everyone else is at school." The fat boy excused and Kenny raised an eyebrow at the sudden change of heart. "What, you'd actually be caught dead here in the poor part of town?" Kenny scoffed in disbelief and Cartman sneered.
"Well, all our friends are at school, so no one will see me." He excused and Kenny let out a snort, finally making it to his front door. "Smooth, fatass." He muttered, opening the door slowly so that he could peek inside and see if his parents were in the living room. They were, but they were passed out with needles in their arms, Kenny scowling at them but turning them on their sides so they wouldn't choke on their own throw up.
Cartman looked appalled, never really having been in Kenny's house before and not expecting it to be this bad. "So, uh, did you just get robbed or something? Is that why you have literally nothing and everything is dirty?" He asked and Kenny laughed. "This is what it looks like clean." Kenny retorted and Cartman looked more upset being there. They made it into Kenny's room where the only valuable possessions he seemed to have were his costumes for the games that they'd play and his Keanu Reeves statue. Cartman walked over to the tank on the dresser, tapping it. "I didn't know you had a pet, Kenny." He mused and Kenny plopped on his bed which was essentially a bunch of pillows on the box spring, hidden by the sheet.
"No, I just put random shit in there. One time I had a rat and a lizard battle it out." He hummed.
"Who won?" Cartman asked, Kenny grinning. "The lizard. Reptiles are basically tiny dinosaurs." The blond chirped, and Cartman grinned back. "That's so fucking sweet, dude. Why don't we hang out here more often?" Cartman wondered, Kenny letting out a humourless laugh. "Because my house is poor and dirty?" The blond reminded him, Cartman nodding slowly. "Right, right... Well, Kenny, if you find another rat I'll find another lizard."
"No fucking way, it was the worst finding a rat last time." Kenny argued and Cartman shrugged as he looked around. "It seems like you'd have a surplus in a place like this." He said innocently, Kenny giving him a look. "Alright, yeah... But they're really hard to catch, and I never got a rabies shot." He complained and Cartman rolled his eyes. "Oh whatever, Keenny. You really don't want people to come here, huh? Just ruin all the fun the moment I find the one cool thing in your house." He growled, his voice slowly rising in a crescendo. "God, you're such a fucking asshole, Keenny. You don't want to go to the woods cause you'll die or whatever, and now your scared of rabies? You're fucking immortal. What does it matter. You die, you come back, right?" He ranted, Kenny standing up and grabbing Cartman's arm, biting it as hard as he could and drawing some blood.
"Fucking OW! What the fuck?" Cartman whined, Kenny crossing his arms. "Yeah, it hurt, right fatass? Imagine if that wasn't your arm, and it was your body, and that bite was from a bear. You think that it's fun being like this? Do you think I really have a good time dying pretty much every fucking day of my life? I've been decapitated, shot, hung, exploded, eaten alive, buried alive. I laid and died in a hospital bed I was in for months and none of you remember that. I'm sick of it, I don't want this stupid fucking curse." Kenny lashed out, kicking his already broken skateboard across the room and lowering his head so Cartman wouldn't see him cry like a little bitch.
Cartman was silent for a long moment while Kenny kept his sniffles in. "That's... really heavy, dude... I didn't know it was so rough for you." He finally spoke, Kenny's head snapping back up and staring as Cartman with wary disbelief, forgetting about his tears for a minute. "You... Are you being serious right now? Because if you're just being an asshole again you should just get out." The blond grumbled and Cartman fervently shook his head.
"No way, Kenny. I'm totally serious right now. That's some serious bullshit and it would suck dying all the time... Super weak." He said genuinely, Kenny still looking at him like he'd grown another head, but accepting what Cartman said at face value, using his sleeve to wipe his face off. "You're right though Cartman.. I shouldn't live my life in fear, especially since I can come back when others can't.. I mean, that's kinda where Mysterion came from." He admitted, going back to sit on his bed and Cartman joining him.
Cartman took another look around the room, really seeing the cracks in the walls and mold stains in the ceiling, making a sour face, Kenny sighing at the reaction. "Cartman... You know I can't help being poor, right?" He asked and the fat boy and Cartman looked at him suspiciously. "We are not gonna start this whole crap. Dude, being poor is a life choice." He scoffed and Kenny snorted. "If I didn't live here you'd be the poorest kid in town. Don't you want to be super rich and shit? If being poor is a life choice, then how come you don't live on the rich side of town with Token?" The blond pointed out and Cartman suddenly had a deep frown, getting huffy and about to argue and twist it so his logic was sound in his mind again.
Kenny put his hand over his mouth before he could say anything though, shaking his head. "Cartman.. As much as your an asshole, you're kinda my best friend. Stan and Kyle have each other so I feel like we kinda have to be. And, as your best friend I feel like I should tell you that you live in a bullshit world in your head. Like, I don't give a shit about your opinions at all, but you don't let yourself see the truth sometimes because you don't like something about yourself. As much as everyone else might, I don't want you to change... I really don't. But, maybe for once you shouldn't attack someone else because they're doing something you don't like that you do. It just makes you seem like a huge asshole."
Cartman sat there, fuming at first while Kenny wouldn't let him speak, slowly calming down the more the immortal boy spoke his mind. When Kenny was finished he released Cartman's mouth and Cartman looked down at his lap solemnly.
"Everybody wants me to change? Did they tell you that? Was it Kyle? Or Wendy?!" Cartman exclaimed, becoming angry again. Kenny shook his head. "It's everybody... Like, no one likes you. Literally, no one. They hate how you manipulate them into doing things all the time, even if they would have done it anyway. You're just a huge liar and a dick to everyone."
"What about you?"
"Huh?"
"Do you think I'm an asshole? If someone else wanted to be your best friend... Would you want them instead of me... Because I'm just a default...?" Cartman asked, sniffling in between his sentences as he started tearing up a little. Kenny felt his heart pang painfully, taking Cartman's hand suddenly. "I wouldn't trade you for anyone. You're my best friend, and I like it that way." He said and Cartman stared at him for a long moment, both boys holding their breath as they felt flutters in their stomach.
Finally Cartman realised that they were still holding hands, ripping it away and laughing nervously while he wiped it on his pants. Kenny swallowed hard and looked away, breathing a bit hard from that tension filled stare.
"We should… Let's go get Stan and Kyle." The blond suggested and Cartman nodded, seeming to shrug off the awkward moment and revert back to his old self. "Hell yeah! We could go to the ice cream shop and pig the fuck out!"
"Awesome!" Kenny chirped, the two boys excitedly running out of the house to retrieve their friends from school.
Stan and Kyle snuck out and joined them soon after they went to go get them, Marsh and Brofloski interrogating Kenny and Cartman about why they didn't go to school and why they keep disappearing together. Kenny skillfully admitted that they thought they found something really cool and rare, but it turned out to be something stupid instead so they got bored and left. He didn't mention anything about them going to Kenny's house or that odd moment Kenny nor Cartman knew what it was.
They got ice cream and had a blast the rest of the day until they got home, Cartman getting an earful and Kenny getting a hard smack across the face since his father was irritable from withdraws when he got the call that Kenny skipped school.
The blond laid in bed, glaring at the wall before he fell asleep, fighting back the burn behind his eyes while he tried not to cry.
The next day at school, Kenny was mostly quiet like usual as Stan, Kyle and Cartman bickered and discussed different things throughout the day. They were walking home when Cartman told the rest of them that he had to get something from Kenny's house. The other two boys gave the fat boy a peculiar look but didn't think much of it and parted ways.
Once Stan and Kyle were far enough away Kenny turned to Cartman, confused why he sent their other friends away. Before he could react, Cartman yanked his hood off, seeing the bruise along Kenny's freckled cheek. "Cartman, what the fuck!" The blond boy snapped, quickly pulling his hood back on to hide his face again. "That was because we skipped school, right?" Cartman asked and Kenny shrugged indifferently. "My dad has a drug problem.." He said simply and Cartman scoffed. "Everyone's dad has a drug problem in this town. It's a small fucking town, the adults here are fucking dumb. My mom didn't hit me." He ranted, Kenny shifting uncomfortably.
"If I dress up as Mysterion and scare them they'll stop for a while..."
"Yeah, and then in a month they'll do it again and-"
"-Just shut the fuck up, Cartman! I don't want to fucking talk about it, okay?!"
Cartman looked a little stunned. Kenny was so quiet sometimes that Cartman and his friends forgot he was even there sometimes; he never thought it was because Kenny was being abused, no matter how often or little. "C'mon." The fat boy said, grabbing Kenny's arm and pulling him towards his house.
"Let go!" Kenny growled and Cartman ignored him, continuing to walk to his neighborhood with the blond in tow. "I said let go, fatass!" The boy demanded, hitting at Cartman's arm and trying to squirm away, not nearly strong enough to overpower the boy who ate four times as him. Cartman completely disregarded him, actually gripping too hard out of stubbornness and anger and hurting Kenny's arm. "I'M. NOT. GOING." He shrieked out, the sharpness of his tone dampened by the thickness of his hood. He reached into his snow boots and pulled out a mini handgun, putting it to his head and pulling the trigger, his body immediately dropping so fast Cartman dragged the dead weight for a second before he let go in horror.
He stared haunted at the body for a split second before he scowled and kicked it into the street. "Fuck you, you shit-covered, poor, white trash.. White, w-wh.. You asshole!" He screamed, stomping repeatedly on Kenny's chest and effectively breaking the now useless ribs before he quickly made his way back to his house. He made it just in time to see Stan and Kyle coming out of their houses after checking in with their parents, Kyle stopping Cartman. "Hey, dude.. What happened? Where's Kenny?" He asked and Cartman threw his arms up int he air exasperated. "He's dead. He just fucking shot himself in the street." He huffed, sounding inappropriately mad for the situation.
Kyle's face immediately dropped, tears forming in his eyes. "He, he what? Cartman if this is some sick-"
"Look at the blood in my hair and on my pants, he shot himself right next to me. I probably have his stupid redneck brains in my pocket." He grumbled and Kyle pushed him. "What the hell, Cartman? You can't just say that! If he's.. If he's really dead.."
"Who's dead?" Stan asked as he caught up to them. "Kenny. He... He shot himself in the head while him and Cartman were walking to his house..." Kyle answered solemnly before going back to glaring at the fat boy on the ground. "And this fatass here is joking about it." He finished, Stan's jaw dropping and tears immediately falling down his cheeks. "That.. That can't be right. He's gotta be lying again, Kyle!" He pleaded more that assured.
Cartman groaned and got up, leaving without a word to his house, slamming the door and allowing Stan and Kyle to almost magically forget about the morbid news he just shared with them.
The next day Kenny didn't come to school. He was obviously avoiding Cartman, but Stan and Kyle were none the wiser, assuming their friend was sick or at the dentist like most other kids who didn't come to school. Cartman was antsy, unusually quiet most of the day except for sparse 'Uh huh's and 'Totally's before he almost ran to Kenny's house... Almost.
He banged on the door, a long groan and loud clattering responding before the door swung open, Kenny's dad leaning against the door frame, looking very hungover. "Where's Kenny?!" Cartman demanded and the man groaned softly. "Keep it down, kid. I gotta migraine.." He mumbled softly, Cartman pushing past the already unbalanced man easily. Kenny's dad toppled over and yelled out to Cartman, the boy already making it to Kenny's room, disappointed not to find him there. He almost wanted to scream with how angry he was until he heard chatter in the other bedroom. He tip toed across the hall, peeking into the room and seeing Kenny with his jacked fully off, the boy wearing a sleeveless shirt, Cartman unable to not notice the second strap that probably belonged to a training bra.
He recalled when they were younger Kenny wasn't so attached to his coat and took it off every now and again in the summer months. But Kenny didn't go swimming last summer. He had just stayed in his coat by the edge, kicking his legs to splash the water.
Cartman looked to who the other voice was, seeing that it was Kenny's little sister who was working diligently to tie bows in Kenny's shaggy blond hair. He seemed pretty amused by it, batting his sister hand away when she tried to poke at where the mark on his face used to be, now gone since he had a new body. "Kenny." He finally said to announce himself, both McCormick's jumping and looking to the boy in the doorway. Kenny blushed from embarrassment, yanking the bows out of his hair and crossing his arms as he stomped over to Cartman.
"What are you doing here. I'm still mad at you." He huffed and Cartman grabbed Kenny. "Why won't you let me do one good thing in my life? I-I'll never be a nice guy, I like who I am, even if people be hatin'... But, you're my friend and I should at least do something good for you."
Kenny rolled his eyes and pointed to his sister slyly so she wouldn't notice while she played with her hair and makeup set Kenny had gotten her. "I can't leave Karen. At least I know my brother can take care of himself. She has no one but me." He bit out under his breath, going to push Cartman to his room. So they could talk.
"Kenny! What the hell is your lil friend doin' brargin'.. Barging in here." The man demanded, his authority demeaned when he almost puked in the middle of his sentence. Cartman tried not to snicker, putting his hand over his mouth to muffle the sound with his mitten. Kenny huffed, rolling his eyes. "How should I know? I didn't invite him." He more whined than grumbled, his dad sighing and mumbling before he shuffled away, obviously too out of it to actually be a parent. Kenny finished shoving Cartman into his room, shutting the door and wedging something under it to make it hard for someone to open it.
Kenny whipped around, making his way to his bed where his parka was laid neatly over the covers, slipping it on but leaving the hood down. "Cartman, you don't have siblings... You don't know what it's like. Kyle and Stan would do the same in my situation.. I know it." He said and Cartman huffed. "Well is your sister getting hit?"
"She will if I leave. I can take it, you said yourself.. If I die, I'll be fine the next day!"
"What the fuck is wrong with you. You said I am living a lie? You have to be some real white trash, redneck idiot to think you aren't. That's just wrong. I can torture people day and night, but I couldn't torture my mom. She's like, my only family." He snapped, walking up to Kenny as he talked.
Kenny shook his head. "I have to protect her.. I don't know who else will. And every time I die.. I end up here. How can I leave if I'm so death prone?" He asked. "And how can I leave when they are sober, and they really do love us.. Or when my mom bought me my costume for Stick of Truth™..." He continued, starting to sob as he listed all the reasons why he could leave, wobbling on his legs and about to collapse on the floor, Cartman grabbing him just in time, moving him to sit on his bed instead. Kenny put his face in his hands, shaking his head and growling. "I hate being like this. I hate this house, this town, just... Everything about South Park is dangerous and evil and I don't want anything to do with it anymore." He wailed quietly.
"Stay with me a week."
Kenny's head snapped up, the blond sniffling softly as his watery eyes looked at the other boy.
"Stay with me.. At my house for a week. Make up an excuse about some super intense project we have to do and need to spend the whole week to do it. If you want to go, no one is gonna stop you." He offered more than pleaded, like he was doing Kenny a charity. But Kenny knew better, knowing how upset Cartman really was about this. He dried his eyes, suddenly not feeling like crying anymore and swallowing hard, making his face very serious, pulling his hood on and fighting it to hide his face once again. "Alright." He agreed, getting up and pulling a bag already packed full of clothes and assorted items out from under his bed, Cartman raising an eyebrow.
Kenny shrugged. "It's not like I never thought about it... Really, really seriously." He admitted, walking out with Cartman and making a b-line to his mother who was much more coherent since she was currently smoking a splif. "Hey, mom? Cartman and I have a project to do so I won't be home for a week." Kenny told her, Mrs. McCormick side eyeing him.
"Do I gotta pay fer it?" She asked, Kenny shaking his head. "Nope. Just one less mouth to feed for a week." He informed and she perked up. "Oh, well that sounds nice, honey. Hope y'all have fun." She chirped, pulling her son close to hug him before he squirmed away when the cherry was so close to him he almost got burned. "Alright, bye!" He said, quickly making his way out, eager to leave for a whole week and not have to deal with their addictions and domestic violence. Cartman felt himself thrilled that Kenny would be with him for a whole week, unsure of why since he usually spent every day with Kenny anyway.
Suddenly he felt his mind drift off, a familiar vision filling his mind:
He had broken out of the machine that stole his most vital manly essense, run from the women who controlled the Mars colonies, and found a deep secret underground hideaway that lead to a small prison cell. He saw Kenny there, looking weary and beat up, a large helmet akin do a diving helmet with wired connected to it that went up for miles.
"K-Kenny? Why are you here? Shouldn't you be out there with them?" He asked, Kenny shook his head slowly. "They think I'm a traitor, so they just take my jokes from this helmet." He said, his voice soft from behind the glass. "A traitor? So, you're not like a girl who will steal my jokes and semen... But, you also have everything a girl has.. Your a.. a guy-best-friend-girl-friend--
Kenny shook Cartman for the third time after he suddenly stopped on the side walk. "What the hell are you staring off into space for? Come on, lets go. You were in such a hurry before." He complained just before Cartman grabbed his shoulders, startling the blond as he couldn't help but stare right back into Cartman's eyes.
"Guy-best-friend-girl-friend..." He muttered under his breath, Kenny leaning closer to try and listen. "What did you say?" He asked, very confused. Cartman let out a shaky breath. "Okay, Kenny.. I'm gonna need to tell you something, but you cannot freak out, swear to me?" He demanded, Kenny slowly nodding. "I-I guess."
Cartman looked away for a moment before looking back. "You know how when I was dating Heidi, I saw people colonising Mars?"
"Maybe? I wasn't really involved in that."
"Well, I did.. And it just happened again, with you." He admitted, Kenny taken aback. "W-what, so that means you like me? You're straight." He argued and Cartman shrugged "I've done gayer things."
"Are you sayi-"
"-No, Kenny. You're a guy, I get that now, I really do.." He whispered to Kenny and Kenny put a hand on his hip, confused and frustrated that Cartman was saying something like this. If the last couple of days hadn't happened he would have blamed Cartman for being a liar and an asshole, but the seriousness in the other boy's eyes was very convincing. He couldn't help but feel his heart beating so hard in his chest as he gulped and brushed his hair back into this hood. Cartman bypassed the whole thing and pushed it off the offending cloth, using the fact that he had Kenny's shoulders to pull him flush against him, pressing a cautious kiss to the blond's lips as if they'd be dirty or if he'd change his mind. Kenny was shell shocked, completely still and rigid. He'd never really had a kiss like that, where it actually made him feel giddy.
A small puff of air left the blond against the larger boy's lips before he clutched at him and kissed back. They stayed like that for a few more moments, simply pressing their lips together and moving them idly, Cartman pulling back when he realised that they were still standing in the middle of the street. "You're... You still aren't gay though. If we dated.. Everyone would call you gay and make fun of you."
"Wow, that is so not progressive." Cartman scoffed and Kenny snorted and pushed at his shoulder. "No, idiot. They'll make fun of you because you're a bigoted asshole and they wouldn't believe you."
"Is my credibility really that-"
"Yes." Kenny responded before Cartman could even finish, demonstrating his point pretty clearly. Cartman frowned and thought hard. Kenny recognised this deep thought as Cartman attempting to come up with one of his famous plans, taking one of his gloved hands and leading him gently to the Cartman household while the fat boy mumbled to himself about what could and couldn't work. "What if you told everyone?" He asked just as Kenny stepped foot on his lawn, Kenny turning and shaking his head. "I.. As much as everyone tries to be super PC now... They'd all treat me different. If I didn't know better I would think you of all people would treat me different, but you didn't."
"Well, I think kissing you is pretty different." Cartman joked, Kenny smiling softly and giggling, making his way into the house with the fat boy and greeting his mother politely. " 'Maaam', Kenny's gonna be sleeping over for the week for some stupid project." Cartman briefed her without even looking at her, taking Kenny's hand and racing up the stairs with him into his room. As Kenny walked in Cartman made his way over to his computer, plopping himself in the chair and waving Kenny over. "Let's see if we can't find other guys who ended up liking a guy when they were straight." He hummed and Kenny leaned on the desk while the other boy began typing different searches into Google.
They came up with a few articles and social justice warrior posts about men who were only attracted to one guy even though they were completely straight. Some of the stories ended with the men unable to cope with the backlash, some men who ended up marrying their lovers and ignoring the hate, and some where the men apparently 'came to their senses' and left the other men for women. Cartman sat back in deep thought after reading all that information, tapping his chin. "So, a straight guy can like one or two guys and still be straight if he likes him enough..."
"Right, and the same goes for everyone as long as they still feel like they identify with their sexuality." Kenny continued, both of them looking at each other and suddenly remembering what happened nearly an hour ago, Kenny looking away sheepishly as he tried not to blush thinking about kissing Cartman. "So, does this mean we're.. Are we actually dating now?" The blond asked and Cartman sat there for a moment before nodding slowly, smiling a little. "Yeah..." He hummed and Kenny nodded back, both of them now blushing and looking at each other.
This immediately followed by a painfully long second of silence.
"Sooo, what do you wanna do?" Cartman asked and Kenny looked around the room, shrugging and trying to figure out what they could do now after having a revelation like that. It felt normal enough, but there was an unspoken tension that the two best friends didn't know how to break now that they'd made it official that they weren't just best friends anymore. Kenny walked over to Cartman's bed and sat down, pulling off his boots carefully and setting them down before he crossed his legs. Cartman looked at the boots and remembered that's where Kenny had pulled out the gun, spinning around in the chair and pointing to them.
"Do you always keep a gun in your boot?" He asked and Kenny was a little caught off guard, looking down at the shoes before looking back up at Cartman and nodding. "I figured out a while ago that if I'm gonna end up dying all the time, I should keep a failsafe with me in case it's slow and painful. A bullet in the head is probably the least painful death I've felt. It kinda.. Pinches?" He explained and Cartman went over, plucking the handgun from the shoe and looking at it. "Did you get this illegally, Kenny? There's no serial number." The larger boy asked and Kenny shook his head. "No, it's my mom's gun."
"You stole your mom's gun?"
"Mhm mh, she gave it to me." The blond answered quickly back, Cartman looking even more confused. "They... They pretend like they don't know about the whole immortal thing, but I guess my mom didn't want me to have to suffer all the time. I won't say she's not the problem, because she beats the fuck out of my dad and does drugs all the time... But, she never hit me. If she has withdrawals she'll just roll a joint and hide away for a few days." Kenny explained and Cartman sighed heavily, putting the gun safely back in the boot and sitting beside Kenny.
"Hey, Kenny?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you have boobs?"
"What?!" Kenny shouted a bit too loud, his face suddenly very red as he looked at Cartman, completely baffled. Cartman looked back at him innocently as if he hadn't asked a question like that, still seemingly waiting for an answer. Kenny looked down at his torso, unable to see any rise along his chest because of his jacket, peeking inside his shirt to make sure as if he hadn't looked before. "I.. I mean I guess.. Not really boobs, but I'm not flat like the girls at our school." He finally answered and Cartman nodded. "That's why you didn't swim in the pool with us during summer vacation, right?"
Kenny nodded "Right."
"Well, how long are you planning to hide this?"
"I wanted to my whole life. Just not get involved with the social wars going on right now. But, soon everyone's voices are gonna start changing and mine will stay the same, and there's no way I could do hormone therapy." He explained, running his fingers through his hair and huffing. "Do you mind if I take a shower? We haven't had hot water for a while." He asked while he looked at what came up from his hair, Cartman nodding. "Yeah, it's cool. I'll just play video games downstairs till your done." He said nonchalantly, Kenny grabbing his bag and taking it to the bathroom, closing and locking the door.
The moment he was gone though, Cartman couldn't contain himself.
Kenny, the person that he just found he liked, just had to have been the first person in the school to start growing boobs--not to mention the boy was staying at his house for a week now.
"Kenny would probably be pissed if I looked in on him in the bathroom.. Hmmm." He muttered to himself, glancing at the door as he considered it. He'd made his decision quickly, about to head down the hall when his mom rapped on the door and opened. "Hey, sweetie. Where's your friend?" She chirped and he huffed, getting irritated that she walked in at just the wrong moment for him. "Jeez, mom. He's in the shower! Kenny's parents are poor remember?" He snapped and she hummed. "Oh, I know sweetie. Anyway, I made you guys some cookies to snack on while you work, they're downstairs if you want them."
"Oh, fuck yeah!" Cartman cheered and his mother clicked her tongue. "Language, Eric!" She scolded and he scoffed. "Yeah, whatever, sorry mom." He said, already moving past her to go downstairs and get the delicious treat.
By the time he finished the last cookie, Kenny was trotting down the stairs, scrubbing his hair dry with a towel. "What are you eating?" He asked curiously as he made his way into the kitchen, Cartman turning and trying not to blush when he saw Kenny wearing a tank top again and shorts, less grime from living in poverty to be seen. "Uh, my mom made cookies.. There might be some chocolate chips still melted to the plate." He admitted with no remorse, the blond rolling his eyes with a smirk and making his way over to his new boyfriend. "Your mom makes cookies like every five minutes, I'll be okay." He joked and Cartman laughed.
The boys jumped, falling out of their comfortable banter when there was a knock at the front door, Cartman going to answer it and Kenny trailing behind slowly. Cartman shouldn't have been surprised when the other two from their friend group were standing there, looking a little upset and confused especially when they saw Kenny there, the immortal boy strategically keeping his arms crossed at his chest to not reveal his developing chest. "Kenny, what the hell? We went to go see how you were doing and when we got to your house your parents said you were staying at Cartman's for some big project." Kyle huffed, looking between the two as they avoided the Jew's gaze. "Please tell me you aren't going along with one of Cartman's stupid plans..." He groaned and Kenny shook his head quickly. "No, just... Cartman and I are just spending m-"
"Kenny and I are dating." Cartman blurted out, clasping his hands over his mouth right as the words left it. Stan and Kyle stood in absolute shock and disbelief. "Dating...?" Stan murmured, completely lost. "He said that, right?" Stan asked Kyle, Kyle nodding slowly without taking his eyes off of the now boyfriends. All four of them stood there, Kenny and Cartman shifting awkwardly, not sure what to say until Kyle finally snapped out of his stupor.
"Y-you two... YOU'RE DATING?!?!" He shouted, grabbing Cartman and beginning to pull him away. "We have to talk. Stan, you stay here with Kenny and get his side of the story." Kyle demanded, Stan nodding and stepping inside. Kyle walked Cartman to the side of his house, glaring at him. "What the hell are you up to, fatass? I swear to god if you convinced Kenny to.. To.. Y'know, for some stupid plan you concocted I am going to make sure you regret it." He growled, Cartman shaking his head. "Kyle, you have it all wrong. Me and Kenny looked it up, some straight guys become attracted to one or two g-"
"No, I am not hearing this bullshit excuse. What are you planning?" He demanded and Cartman shrugged. "You don't have to believe me, Kyle. Just because we're all friends doesn't mean mine and Kenny's relationship is any of your business." He hummed, adopting a similar expression to when he really was fucking with Kyle. "I'm gonna kill you." The Jew hissed between his teeth, about to throw a fist and Stan and Kenny running out just in time, Kenny having changed back into his usual garb to hide his secret most likely. "Kyle! Stop!" Stan cried out, grabbing Kyle's arm that was raised into a fist. "Kenny explained everything to me, they're being serious."
"Huh?"
"Kenny told me the last couple of days he realised he liked Cartman. Cartman wasn't for it at first but realised that he actually really liked him, so they decided to date." He reiterated, Kyle's hand falling limp and looking between the two again who looked very alarmed. "Really, Kenny? Cartman, is this true?"
"I have to be honest.. No it's not. Kenny is covering for me because I was embarrassed. I kissed Kenny today and I really didn't want all the guys making fun of me at school.. Because I'm really not gay. I just like Kenny because he's Kenny." Cartman admitted, suddenly losing all of his vibrato and kicking at the ground, Kenny going to his side. Stan gaped while Kyle seemed completely unsure if this was real. "You guys have kissed already?" Stan scoffed and Kenny nodded sheepishly. "He just randomly kissed me on our way to his house and we talked about it, so.."
"I cannot believe this. I'm sorry, Kenny. If this is real you can slap me later, but I really can't trust anything Cartman says anymore. I am not getting tricked by him again." Kyle said matter-of-factly, Stan warily glancing at him before sighing. "C'mon, Kyle. They probably want to be left alone." He said, guiding them away. "We'll see you guys tomorrow at school."
Kenny and Cartman watched as their friends left, Cartman frowning softly. "If anything, I don't blame Kyle." Kenny said suddenly, Cartman eyeing him before rolling his eyes. "Let's go play video games." He huffed, making his way back into the house and Kenny quickly following suit.