Work Text:
February 14, 1999:
What the hell am I doing, sitting here in Pancho's, drinking, while my best friend is losing himself a little more each minute? I guess there's a time for everything, even selfishness. Besides, it's not as if I'm getting drunk. I like my beer, but I've never had a drinking problem, and it's not like you're doing anything less harmless than sleeping. Are you having his dreams, or your own? God, of all the people to leap into...why Lee Harvey Oswald?
Things have been kind of hectic in my life lately, too. Not so easy, this time, to put it aside for you. Something's different, and it's me. I often wondered if the changing timelines affected my personality, now I know for sure that they do. I just can't figure out how much. It's not easy to notice those things in yourself. You're the only one who knows enough about me and the alterations in time to tell, and you're preoccupied with your own situation right now. You didn't even notice my wedding ring. I wonder what your reaction will be, when you do.
I'll have another round and be on my way. After all, it's Valentine's Day. I really should be spending the time with my wife. I promised her we'd manage a romantic evening, and she's so understanding about the time I spend with you, I owe it to her. I'm really in love with her, Sam.
I owe you a big thanks, buddy. The guy upstairs too, looks like I finally got a break this time. Didn't I? I've been happily married to Lisa for almost forty years now. Even if I was single, with a string of five broken marriages behind me when I walked out of the Imaging Chamber last week. Coming home after spending six years as a POW, to find out Beth left me, is a memory almost entirely eclipsed by the one of Lisa's loving arms crushing me to her; her tears soaking through my uniform, as I finally set foot on American soil again. The heartbreak when Ruth died is gone, I can barely remember what she looked like. It's funny, I'd always thought all my marriages were attempts to find a surrogate for Beth, now I realize it went further back than that--Beth was a substitute for Lisa. My first real love.
But not my last.
I'm pretty confused these days, Sam. You would be too, if you were here. Yet I feel a sense of peace, as well. I don't expect anyone to understand it, I don't myself. I guess it's from being spared so much pain. You don't remember--and as usual, I won't shake up your delicate balance by telling you--but you always said Lisa and I were the perfect couple, that you wished you could find someone like her.
Yeah, there's another big change around the Project, kiddo. Donna's gone. Presto chango--Lisa's in, Donna's out. I'm married and you're single... We're the star-crossed lovers Sam--you and me, not you and Donna. We had a love so strong that an echo of it remains even after all the other timelines have faded. Sometimes I can feel the fire of our passion yet, how we devoured each other with our very souls. I still remember the shock and pain of walking out of the Imaging Chamber to discover my lover was suddenly somebody else's husband. Now when she's finally out of your life again and you're free--I'm the one with the wife at home. We're still together as partners though, it doesn't seem like anything can change our entwined destiny.
Except, once, we were much more.
I lost a lot of pain, gained a lot of love...I lost you in the process. Even though I love Lisa--God, I love her so much--there's still a question in my mind that I can't answer.
Was it worth it?
One last light beer for the road, and then I'll go and make sweet love to Lisa. I won't be thinking of you while I'm with her, like I did in that other reality, with Tina. I'll see you in the morning, try to get us through this hellish leap.
Till then, here's to the irony of life.
Here's to us.
the end
9/23/92