Chapter Text
In her decades of knowing Tony Stark, the Tony Stark, Pepper had experienced so many simultaneous emotions because of this man she was convinced it actually gave her whiplash. But this one, clear cut, took the cake. When she pulled away from that kiss the world faded away. She heard voices like they were through a mile of water and anything not in front of her turned into a blur she couldn’t have described if her life depended on it. What felt like hours later she was convinced he was gone and finally, finally allowed herself a sob only to have it catch in her throat.
He took a breath.
It sounded like a fish’s attempt at what a human breath sounded like but as much as it should have unnerved her the sob turned into one of relief. The ground beneath her feet came back into focus. The smells of smoke and fresh dirt and burned flesh and oh god that was Tony. She saw Rhodey the exact moment his expression changed from resignation to a confusion they’ve only just begun to experience over the past decade, which prompted a look around.
The man in the cape, glowing green up to his elbows, that had to have been the doctor Tony had mentioned. ‘Pulled off the graying sides thing better than anyone should,’ he’d told her one day over dinner, long before Morgan was in the picture. “I need hands!” he yelled, stony determination not leaving his face despite the shout.
Another breath. Pepper rose to her feet and took a step back. “What are you-?”
“Trying to save his life, I’ll explain when things aren’t so grim,” Strange said, not taking his eyes off of Tony for even an instant. Parker, that poor kid, was talking a mile a minute. Unable to keep up with what he was saying, all Pepper noticed was that he failed to hold back tears himself.
People gathered. Brief, rushed conversations were had. Pepper found herself pleading whenever people looked to her. Please. Help him please. He was breathing, barely, and in so much pain it made her heart hurt more than she thought possible. She heard a woman talk of taking him to Wakanda, while Bruce mentioned finding Dr. Cho, and Pepper put her foot down. “Save him.” Despite the tears running down her face this wasn’t a request, it was an order. “Get him out of here, help him.”
The queen had spoken, the scene sprang to life. More portals opened, and after a brief argument about who should carry Tony the doctor won out, insisting his cape could carry her husband with the least risk of jostling things too much. She sprinted after his new dedicated team of caretakers, dirt turning to pristine tile floor under her feet as she stepped through another portal. He was placed on a stretcher and raced down halls, every ragged breath felt like it was forcing Pepper’s own heart to work. FRIDAY had enough of a read on the situation to start detaching parts of the suit, pieces falling to the floor with a clatter that left a breadcrumb trail to their owner.
Vitals were recorded, IVs were placed, and though they weren’t in English Pepper knew a yelled curse word when she heard one. Only when he was rushed into an operating room, a place they requested she not follow, Pepper allowed herself to break down. She nodded as the door closed but fell to her knees an instant later. The sobs shook her body so hard she thought she might never be still again.
A mortified silence permeated every nook of the makeshift waiting room. Chairs had been dragged in from elsewhere, and an ever rotating cast filled them. Pepper was pale, still as the grave as she sat. She stared at a tile several feet in front of her, the last of her tears having long since dried on her face. Every time the urge arose she stifled a sob as nothing left her eyes.
Rhodey stood vigil with her. Some time in, he handed her a hastily made sandwich and Pepper realized not only was she so hungry she could throw up, but she was still in the armor. Metal fingers grabbed the bread and she sobbed again. She hated herself for how often that was happening. Rhodey helped her out of the suit, even supplying a hand to hold for the short step down from the boots. She gave him a long look as he handed the sandwich back and found his eyes as red as hers, even as the hours entered the double digits.
Over that time, others arrived. Bruce was frequent, spending half an hour in an armless chair with the two whenever he got the chance. He offered water and reassurances that never rose above a whisper. Nebula was just as frequent, though she never ventured beyond a door frame. Pepper pretended to not notice her arrive.
Parker stayed with them for the first hour, before she suggested he see his aunt and escape the oppressive dread of the room. He’d spent the whole time wailing and grabbing onto her, as desperate for comfort as she was. She’d called Happy immediately after he left with the update she was always terrified to give. Instructions for an extended sleepover with uncle Happy followed, Morgan didn’t need that news right now.
The rest of the core team, what was left of them, were frequent and consoling. She caught fits of sleep while Clint and Thor were present. Steve sat at the other end of the room and gave her such apologetic looks just thinking about them drove her to tears again. Words of encouragement, food and water, offers to take shifts. But she couldn’t leave, not when she had no idea if she’d ever hear that voice again. If someone wanted her to leave, they’d have to force her away. Pepper almost wanted to see someone try.
Twenty-two of the slowest hours in human existence later, Strange emerged. He walked like a coat hanger was keeping him on his feet, eyes sunken with an expression impossible to read. She covered her mouth with her hands, a desperate attempt to keep herself from throwing up from the stress.
“He’s stable.”
The long suffering wife of Anthony Stark sprang to her feet and wrapped the doctor in a hug so tight it could have crushed him. She cried so hard her voice turned hoarse. “Thank you,” she said between sobs. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, all of you.” She didn’t sound like herself.
“The surgical team is exhausted, so though I didn’t assist directly I offered to give you the update and let them sleep. I kept him in a localized time loop,” Strange said, not even shifting under her hug, “Repeating and rewinding from just after the snap to right before he would die, while we worked out how to save him.” A pause, and Pepper could feel his breath catch in his lungs. “Mrs. Stark I’ve been in medicine for decades and this is the most guarded prognosis I’ve ever had to give.”
“Can I see him?” She asked, having finally loosened the hug.
“Of course.” There wasn’t a moment of hesitation. “But I will warn you it is not good.”
Pepper heard the ventilator force air into her husband’s lungs long before the door was opened to go see him. The sight of his right arm, which stopped halfway below the elbow now, covered in bandages and held in the air made her sob once again. Dressings on the right side of his face continued down his neck and disappeared below a hospital gown. Wires were dragged from his chest to machines behind him, and she counted no less than three IV lines into his chest, arm, and hand. More tubes drained into containers on the floor, and Pepper understood why they wanted her to wear gloves and a mask to see him.
She stepped into that room amidst the beeping and whirring machines like her steps might kill him. “Tony?” She said as Strange closed the door leaving them alone. Two steps in the small room to reach his left side, where she held his hand in hers. Pepper jumped as a cuff on his arm sprang to life, taking his blood pressure. A part of her could have almost found the rhythmic noises of the machines soothing if they weren’t the only things keeping her husband alive.
“Tony I’m here.” She’d been by his unconscious side many times, but this carried a weight to it she wasn’t sure she could hold. “We’re okay. Everyone is okay, you did it.” She was crying again, tears she didn’t know she still had rolling down her cheeks. He must be in so much pain, she should have just let him go gracefully instead of this prolonged suffering with no guarantee he’d make it through the night let alone wake up.
But he was nothing if not stubborn, he’d want her to at least try.
She ran a hand through his hair, focusing on anything but the tube jammed down his throat and the shaved spot where they cleaned some of his burns. Compared to the hours she waited, her five minutes of visitation were up in a heartbeat. She composed herself and left the room when asked. Most of the front of the room was a single window, with chairs against the wall Pepper took a seat in.
Strange wasted no time in explaining things to her. The hand crumbled to ash when they removed the suit from it. Some of the burns on his arm went down to the bone, which they had to run rods through to repair the breaks. His right clavicle and scapula broke, so did some ribs. Organs bruised and lacerated, both lungs collapsed, his diaphragm tore away partially. A major vein tore and could have led to death in less than a minute. “But the body is a miraculous thing, Pepper. People can recover from things you wouldn’t think possible. If he makes it through the next twenty-four hours, odds are good he’ll survive.” As he explained how they’d reached this point, microsurgery and stem cells and gene therapy and the best minds on the planet, all things she’d be fascinated by in better circumstances, she noticed his hands shook.
He was kind enough to create a portal for Happy and Morgan to join her. It was the worst reunion she’d ever had in her life, but decided to save the hard talk for after they’d gotten settled in a room. The Wakandans were showing so much hospitality already it nearly moved her to tears. Happy brought some toys for her, playsets, art supplies, and a stuffed dog she was a big fan of lately. In a whisper as Morgan explored their temporary home, Pepper told him to get the details from Rhodey. He’d taken the next visitation period, five minutes on every hour.
“Sweetie, can you come here?” Pepper asked, patting a spot next to her as she sat on one of the beds.
“Okay!” Morgan ran to her side from where she was investigating their closet. “Mommy there’s a TV in the mirror in the bathroom!”
She couldn’t cry, not right now, not in front of her. This child was so full of love, she shouldn’t have to go through this. Morgan hopped up onto the bed, and Pepper tried to draw out the moment before she broke the news for as long as possible. The poor kid didn’t need this, she should be at home playing in the lake with her dad and now every fiber of that was threatened because of something that happened before she was even born. “Sweetheart, daddy helped a lot of people, but he’s very sick, so we’re going to stay here while the doctors help him.”
And just like that, it was done. Morgan Stark absorbed this information with a solemn expression as she shifted on the bed. She sat in silence for a moment, her gaze fixed on her hands in her lap. “Is daddy going to die?” If she’d said it any softer Pepper would have doubted she heard the words right.
It hit her like a semi on the interstate. It took Pepper a few moments to remember the frog she’d found months ago dead in their yard and Tony’s amazing way he explained that to her. A few of her shows had very mild episodes about dealing with death, which certainly furthered her understanding of it, but she was so young and lucky enough to have no direct experience she couldn’t possibly comprehend the weight of what she’d just said. “No, no, of course not honey.”
“It’s sad but okay if he does,” Morgan said, hugging her mom around the waist. “He’ll always be with us.”
Pepper placed a hand on her daughter’s shoulder, trying once again to avoid crying. Here her child was, more willing to let Tony slip away than she was, even if that acceptance was just a parroted line from TV. “Of course he will be.” All of the strength in her body went into making her reassurance sound believable for her child.
She debated long and hard about whether or not to let Morgan see her father. He might not make it, yes, and she deserved a chance to say goodbye if that were the case, but she would hate to have her child’s last view of her father be a man barely alive. With a heavy heart she decided against it, opting to let Morgan play and be a kid while she returned to her watch.
One-hundred-twenty minutes out of every day was not nearly enough. Five minutes in, offering whatever comfort and support she possibly could to an unconscious man, fifty-five minutes out, waiting outside the room hoping for news. Sleep only ever came in bursts she felt awful about later. If he died, slipped away while she’d been asleep? That would be on her. Pepper remembered the stories, about how sometimes her voice had kept him hanging on, she wasn’t about to throw that kind of power away.
The transfusion had finished, that was just about the only good news after he survived that first night. His blood work was, phrasing it lightly, garbage. Red cell count was fine, but his other numbers were concerning at best and horrific at worst. Vitals were taken every fifteen minutes, blood ran every hour, Pepper threw up from the stress. The skin grafts on Tony’s arm failed to take. It was an optimistic effort certainly, every doctor told her that, but it left a bleaker picture than anyone wanted to see.
“That arm is an astronomical infection risk,” one doctor told her, clearly trying to not let the weight of the situation get to him. “Even if we got circulation in it, we doubt it would ever be functional.”
“What do you recommend?” Pepper asked. She knew the answer already, but didn’t want to think about it.
“We take the arm.” Shuri, T’Challa’s sister and the brightest spark Pepper had ever seen, hit her guess on the head. “He’s fighting so hard to stay alive, any infection could ruin that.” People said that a lot, that he was fighting to stay with her. She wished they’d stop, it made this whole endeavor seem selfish. She told him he could rest, didn’t she?
The first time she saw him after the surgery, she cried like she hadn’t been for days. A stump of an arm remained, just a few inches off of the shoulder, covered in the distant hope the grafts would take this time. “I’m so sorry,” she told him, rubbing a gloved thumb over the back of his remaining hand. He had to be in so much pain, though the almost peaceful look on his face hadn’t changed in days. “Don’t stay for me,” a pause. “You don’t deserve this much hurting. You can rest, I mean that. If you want to go, go. We’ll all be okay, you deserve to be at peace.” Her timer went off a few seconds later, and Pepper left the room.
As she sat, she was flooded with images of Tony Stark, her husband, the father of her child, recovering but barely. Vegetative. Alive but not in there, not really. She hoped he understood what she’d said. Clinging to a life not worth living wasn’t worth it. Guilt punched her in the chest, was she really wishing for this man to die? Could she not stand the thought of him not being perfect. No, she didn’t want him to suffer, that was different. But where was the line for that? Bedbound forever? Constant pain? How much suffering was more than she wanted to see him take?
Fifty-five minutes later, she was shocked to discover he was still alive. She must have married the most stubborn, lovesick idiot in the galaxy.
A week after Tony snapped his fingers and saved the universe, Pepper finally got some good news. “He’s fighting the ventilator,” the always wonderful Doctor Helen Cho told her one morning. She’d just had her first shower in a week, and taken some time to play with Morgan in an effort to distract herself. Rhodey’d practically forced it on her, half dragging her away from Tony’s ICU room to do something for herself for a change. “The repairs we seeded are working, kidney and liver values are up.” Pepper gave her an expectant look. “But he’s still unconscious, yes. He wants to live, Pepper. I’ve seen people die from less. When they’re done they let go. He’s not.”
Even entering the room that hour left a bitter taste in her mouth. The wound drains were dwindling, but the occasional hitch in the regular mechanical whirring of the ventilator sent a lump into her throat. He was fighting to breathe on his own, yes, but she was so sick of seeing him fight. He was supposed to be done with that. Retired, relaxing, raising their daughter, not on a battlefield or clinging to life in a hospital halfway around the world from their home. Her visits were becoming routine. Say a few words, let him know everyone’s fine. Hand rubs, fingers in his hair, a shoulder squeeze. Hoping one way or another he gets the rest he’s earned while she stays awake, as if she was giving her sleep to him.
As she left the room, ready to continue her windowside watch, she was shocked to find Doctor Stephen Strange waiting for her. It took her a few moments to place the face, she never expected civilian clothes on him. “I’m sure you’ve been told he’s making a turn for the better,” he said, and Pepper set her jaw in anticipation. “He’ll get switched to breathing on his own over the next few days, if he cooperates with it. He’s fighting his way-”
“No. No. Everyone says he’s fighting to live and breathe and come back to me but I am done seeing him fight and suffer. He’s been fighting for one thing or another for years and I am so goddamn sick of watching it!” A breath hitched in her throat. “You say he’s fighting but it’s all bullshit! None of you have any idea if he’s still in there! What is he fighting for, doctor? Me to decide to take him off life support in a year instead of tomorrow?” She took a real breath and raised her hands to wipe away tears. “I- I am so sorry I didn’t-”
“No I owe you an apology, Mrs. Stark, I sent him to his death. I traded him for the stone on Titan so he could die at the right time. I saw this play out hundreds of times, and though the gauntlet passed through many hands Tony was the only one who ever went through with it. Again and again I’d hope it was someone who could take it better, that someone was close enough to share the load, but it never happened. So I apologize, Pepper. Both of you got five years of bliss on the condition this happened.” He paused, and that was the softest she’d seen Stephen’s face look since she met him. “But I never saw this far, after we’d clearly won. This is unknown territory for all of us, I can’t tell you if he lives let alone wakes up or talks but I will do everything in my power to right this. Whatever long lasting consequences this has for you and your family I take full responsibility for. I led him to this like a lamb to slaughter and I cannot apologize enough.”
Pepper shook her head. “You didn’t make him do any of this, no one did. None of this is your fault.”
For the time being, he seemed satisfied with that. “Thank you,” he said with a nod. He turned around a few steps away, though. “And Pepper? As a doctor I’m required to remind you to take care of yourself too. Sleep. Eat something. You wouldn’t want him to wake up to you like this.”
Despite a few hiccups, not four days later he was breathing on his own. The horrible looking breathing tube had been traded out for a set of nasal cannula, which Pepper couldn’t help but think looked much more comfortable. He had a feeding tube emerge from his nose to be taped to his cheek. A few visits ago, she’d been told they were reducing the sedatives to something that might allow him to wake up. His vitals were only being taken once every thirty minutes now, blood draws only twice a day. On one of them, the nurse reported Tony’s eyes opened. At her visit at three in the afternoon, Pepper noticed the same thing.
Without even so much as a groan, Anthony Stark saw his wife’s face for the first time in nearly two weeks.
“Tony?” Pepper said, bringing herself to her feet to better meet his eyes. His gaze slowly panned around the room with none of its usual light, the small act seemed to suck all the energy out of his body. “Tony it’s me, I’m right here.” They locked eyes, Pepper feeling a smile tug at the corner of her lips before noticing there wasn’t even the faintest glint of recognition in his eyes.
She tried again. “Tony? It’s Pepper, we’re okay we’re all okay, you did it. Everyone’s safe.” He didn’t even seem aware of her voice, and her tears fell onto his chest. “Tony please.” She rubbed circles onto the back of his hand, careful of the IV line taped in place there. “Look at me. Tony look at me please.” He did another sweep of the room, head not moving as his eyes sucked in everything and yet nothing at all. Confusion grew on his face before sleep took him again. Pepper spent the rest of her now ten minutes of hourly visitation crying.
Care was taken to wipe that from her face before passing the news along. “Tony opened his eyes.” The weight of the world fell off of Rhodey’s shoulders. “Tony opened his eyes.” Happy visibly slouched. “Tony opened his eyes.” Pepper heard Peter scream for his aunt over the phone. “Tony opened his eyes.” The team offered to fly out as soon as possible. “Daddy’s waking up.” Morgan’s jaw dropped.
“Really?” She yelled, with enthusiasm only possible at that age. “Can we see him? Mommy I want to see him!”
“He’s very sleepy,” Pepper explained to Morgan, now sitting on her lap. “So it might take a while before he’s ready to see you, but if you make him something I can give it to him.” Morgan dropped from the chair and ran to find her art supplies, determined to make him the best card the world had ever seen.
Tony had taken to groaning for nearly a day. All the doctors said it was normal, coming out of anesthetic can have that effect on people, but it didn’t make it less disturbing. Pepper watched a dressing change through the window, fresh bandages being placed on face, neck, chest, and what remained of his right arm. Though scarred, his skin looked better than Pepper could have ever hopped, and Dr. Cho was already in the process of printing him a new external ear after his right one was mangled from the burns. They checked his IV sites, fed him, and after everything was in order, invited Pepper in to see him.
As she sat down, she noticed he was getting a little color back. Not much, he was still much grayer than a person ever should be, but every little thing that made him look more like himself helped Pepper get through a day. He opened his eyes and groaned as he looked side to side for a few seconds before going back to sleep. There was nothing behind those eyes but reflex, no thought as far as she could tell. Rhodey’d said that crushed him when he first saw it, now it was regular.
Pepper had taken to accepting she might just be filling space in that room. She held his hand, almost afraid he’d drift off if she wasn’t in contact with him, and let her mind wander. How long was she willing to keep this up? Every day waiting, sitting at the bedside of a man who might not even be in there anymore. It had been two weeks, fourteen days of missing Tony’s smile and laugh and the dumb way he talked to her when he was really enamored. If this was it, if this was as good as things would ever get, she almost wished he would have died.
They could have moved on, that way. They could be two weeks into recovery and rebuilding, not trapped in this limbo of wondering whether or not they’d ever hear his voice again. Not being filled with false hope. And she knew that wasn’t guaranteed, for all they knew he’d be able to function again just fine and all this worrying was for nothing but with no way to tell she thought the worst. A part of her knew they could handle that. She’d told him that much, hadn’t she? They’d be okay. And it would be shitty but they’d make it and be okay. Everyone would, eventually.
No, she had to stop this. Jumping to a worst case scenario that shifted daily. That was doing nothing for her mental health. He was waking up, his neural activity looked fine on scans, worrying when she couldn’t do anything was pointless. Morgan, however, was doing as great as she could be. There was a park nearby, and when Pepper couldn’t bear to stand watch anymore she’d bring her child there and spend a few hours watching her make friends and get to be a kid again. The new variety of bugs to find reignited that interest for her, Shuri even made a small identification guide for Morgan that she was practically glued to. Pepper made a note to pick up something like that when they got home, she really seemed to enjoy knowing what she found. She was sure Tony would like to know, too.
“Pep?”
It was hoarse and more of a wheeze than a word but Pepper knew that voice in any state and she cried from joy for the first time in recent memory. He was looking at her, really looking at her, eyes making contact with hers and that spark of recognition filling them to bursting. She sandwiched his hand between her own and leaned in. “It’s me Tony I’m here,” she whispered those words, not wanting to shock him. Her sobs had her shaking but she was smiling and everything would be okay. “I’m okay, Morgan’s okay, you did it we’re all fine.”
“What? Where?” He asked, she felt his fingers wiggle in her grasp.
“You killed Thanos, Bruce brought everyone back. You did it. You’re in a hospital in Wakanda they’ve been amazing to all of us.” The worry on his face eased, however slightly, before he opened his mouth again. “Don’t talk, save your strength, please.” Her tears were hitting the floor now, but Pepper couldn’t bear to pull a hand away from Tony’s to wipe them away. “I thought I lost you but you’re here and we’ll be okay.”
The suggestion of a smile hit his lips, the effort was clearly too much for now, but even still it lit up the room.
“Mo?”
This was the third time today she had to break his heart. “She’s safe, she’s here, but right now this will scare her and you know that.” Just yesterday she’d had a complete breakdown over not being able to see Tony. Every ounce of Pepper’s heart ached for both of them then, but she refused to traumatize her daughter with her barely alive let alone conscious father. Just a little more alert, a little less of that grimace of pain he was doing so well to hide. “Another day or two, you don’t want her to see you like this.” Tony glanced downward, a look she’d long since learned was resignation. “But I do have a present for you.”
“Real food?” Tony asked with a sad smile on his face. He’d been having too many issues swallowing to eat on his own. Something about the diaphragm injury messing with his esophagus.
“I’d argue it’s something better.” She pulled her purse onto her lap from the floor and pulled out the folded construction paper before she presented it to Tony. “She was so excited to make it.”
His arm moved in an attempt to grab the card, but it never left the bed. After a shush and a hand on his shoulder, Pepper moved the card into position to be read. “Get better daddy” was on the front in washable marker, miraculously spelled correctly. The inside featured a drawing of Pepper, Morgan, and Tony, and what was clearly an attempt to fit three-thousand little marker hearts on a yellow folded piece of craft paper.
“Do you need me to read it?” Pepper offered. She knew he could see, but seemed to have issues focusing sometimes. That, and getting the positioning correct was a shot in the dark at best.
“No,” Tony said with a deep smile right from the soul. Did something fall in his eyes? As soon as she saw him cry Pepper grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and kept his face dry. She propped the card up on the table, hopefully at an angle Tony could see it. “I love it.”
“I’m sure she’ll instantly start on a sequel once I tell her,” Pepper said. She mirrored his smile, and watched as his eyes snapped open every few seconds as his eyelids grew heavy with exhaustion. “You can go back to sleep, it’s okay,” Pepper said as she returned her hand to his, what felt like it’s default position these days. No one had directly told him visitation was limited for the time being, but he’d put two and two together fast enough.
He opened his eyes as wide as he could despite being drugged to the moon, clearly a protest against sleep. “You’re here.” Pepper had been told he hated waking up alone, not something that surprised her in the slightest, and to make matters worse he fought off sleep if someone was in the room with him. A total catch twenty-two, with Tony’s health at the center of it. He made eye contact and flashed her that sweet smile that made her feel like she was sixteen and full of girlish love again. “Doesn’t always happen.”
“I will be here, and continue to be here,” she said as she leaned in, “Until you get so desperate for some time away from your wife you’ll be ready to run out of here.” That got another smile, and she felt her cheeks flush. “I’m not going anywhere, rest.”
“Whatever you say, Boss.” The moment Tony stopped trying to fend off sleep tooth and nail, he was out. Despite the burns and desperately needing a shave, he always looked so calm when he slept. The sight of it alone healed her.
Four AM, couldn’t sleep, so Pepper slipped out of her room where Morgan was still fast asleep. She grabbed her phone off the nightstand, closed the door with hardly a click, and walked off down the hall. She found a room designed for private phone calls, no sound slipped out from under the door, and after a deep breath she entered. Contacts app pulled up, she typed “FRI” into the search bar and dialed the AI back home. Instant answer, no ring.
“Is he still…?” She’d never heard her that hesitant before.
“Fine, FRIDAY. He’s awake and talking I just-” A pause as Pepper collected her thoughts. “Delete the footage.”
“Mrs. Stark?”
“I can’t let him watch that, please.” She couldn’t let herself watch it again, either, her husband aware and in pain and dying. “He doesn’t deserve to see that, if we’re lucky he won’t remember any of it.”
“He’ll notice it’s missing.”
“Then corrupt it. It was a localized radiation blast, right? Say that interrupted the download to your servers.” She couldn’t let her husband watch her say goodbye to him, no one should ever see that. Hearing the story is one thing but seeing it is another.
“I can simulate a corruption for you. From all sources?”
“Iron Man, War Machine, Rescue, all of them. I just-” No she couldn’t cry again she’d been doing so well. “He can’t watch himself die FRIDAY please don’t let him go through that.”
“Of course, Mrs. Stark. Starting the process now.”
“You are the best.” The tears were mostly defeated for now. “I’ll keep texting you updates. And could- Could you keep just a little of the-”
“The dusting?”
“Yes. He should see himself win.” But she was not about to traumatize him all over again. “Thank you so much. This has to be a complete secret, no trail. Delete this conversation from records, too.”
“Already wiping the call log.”
Pepper allowed herself the tiniest little bounce in victory. “Perfect. I’ll call you with him the moment he’s up for it. Sometimes he forgets where he is and asks for you.” It was cute and also terribly pathetic.
“I think I’d like that.”
The call wound down, with Pepper giving a more optimistic update before a yawn had FRIDAY encouraging her to sleep again. When she got back to bed, Morgan hadn’t moved an inch.
Pepper wanted nothing more than to have a conversation with him, to hear his voice for hours on end and tell stories and get one facet of their lives back to normal. He wanted the same thing. She could tell, not just from decades of knowing him but from the frustration that washed over his face every time he struggled through the drugs to get out longer phrases. And that was as good as it got, many times it was one syllable words and exhausted facial expressions doing all the talking for him.
They got the go ahead to raise the back of Tony’s bed a few clicks that day, and even though he was too tired to get across many words the joy on his face was palpable. Though she couldn’t imagine how nice it must be to look at something other than the ceiling, she could imagine the terrible joke Tony would have made had he been in a better state. After a little thought, Pepper decided “Always looking up is overrated,” is what he’d have gone with.
He could see out the window to his room now, which was a much bigger change for Pepper than him. They both parroted thank yous as the nurse left, and in the silence that followed she watched him wrinkle his nose in discomfort at the tubes stuck in it. That, the catheters, the machines, it all had to be terribly uncomfortable. He’d be home and happy soon enough, she told herself. “Tomorrow,” Pepper said, “The doctors think you’ll be in great shape for a few hours of Morgan.”
Tony beamed that gorgeous smile she swore she’d be lost without. “Can’t wait.” As much as everyone knew it killed him, having set visiting hours was agreed to be the better option. He’d fight to stay awake just to see friends and family, time and energy he needed to spend resting and recovering. What a stubborn man. She watched him try to adjust himself, a futile attempt to sit up more, and right as she was about to stifle the effort she saw his face drop. “Can’t feel my arm.”
He tried to adjust again and Pepper stopped it with a hand on his shoulder. “Tony. Tony look at me.” His head turned and he looked her in the eye. “Don’t worry about it.” When he started rolling his head back to the right, Pepper stopped him with a gentle hand on his chin. “Honey please.” Pepper caught sight of the heart monitor, hooked up to Tony’s chest by electrodes stuck to his skin. His pulse quickened, even she could tell that.
“Can’t feel it. Pepper.” He was breathing faster, and despite her best efforts caught sight of his right side. An alarm sounded on a machine, then another. She’d seen this before, he’d seen what was left of his arm and was clearly having an attack.
It felt like hours passed, with Pepper trying her hardest to keep him grounded. At home it worked well, her or Morgan did well to remind him where he was and they never lasted long. Here, halfway around the world and having gotten so close to death he might as well have kissed her, Pepper wasn’t sure it was helping at all. Still she rubbed his hand and talked to him until a frantic doctor ran in, added something to one of Tony’s IV lines, and moments later he stilled. The alarms quieted just as Tony did. “Has he had a panic attack be-?”
Pepper nodded before he could even finish his sentence. “He saw the arm, I tried to distract him but-” She stopped herself just as the tears started up again. He had to find out eventually, she knew that, but she wished it was a nicer experience.
“He’s still in a delicate position,” she was told. “That much stress on him could set him back, or worse.” The implication there was very clear as the doctor put a hand on her shoulder, which did nothing to comfort her. “We’ve discussed continued mild sedatives with you before, has your opinion changed?”
Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy were confronted with a tough decision a few days ago. Due to Tony’s nature and the state he was in, accidental injury was not impossible. Either they strap him to the bed or keep him just drugged enough to be unable to hurt himself. Everyone agreed on option two, as much as it hurt. He’d hate it, but he’d hate the other option more, and this way he wouldn’t notice it immediately.
“Not at all,” She said, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “Keep him safe, thank you.” Though Pepper reminded herself sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind, it didn’t make sleep any easier.