Chapter Text
Bokuto didn’t know when he fell in love with Akaashi, but like an idiot, he didn’t realize it until he was leaving for university.
“–and living with Kuroo is gonna be so awesome, ’Kaashi!” he rambled, throwing a couple more things in a box. “Party every night! Ugh, except that he promised that he was going to make me do homework and keep with all my studying.”
He sighed and grabbed for the packing tape, then labeled the box with what he was pretty sure was in there. Looking around, he figured that with one more box, he would be ready to go.
“Thanks so much for helping me, by the way, ’Kaashi,” he added, turning to see his setter on the other side of the room.
“Of course, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi’s back was to him, but Bokuto could tell something was off. His voice was a little thicker than it usually was, like he was being weighed down by emotion.
Bokuto frowned, but he didn’t press just yet. Akaashi was better with his own feelings than Bokuto, anyhow.
“I think that I’m going to drag him out to as many parties as possible, though! Oh, I can’t wait to meet our new team, also! I wonder if there’s going to be a lot of people there who we’ve played with before! I really hope Daishou isn’t on our team though. Ugh, could you imagine dealing with Snake Boy at the same time as Kuroo? That would be a nightmare!”
He had hoped calling Daishou “Snake Boy” would draw a chuckle out of Akaashi, but instead, he heard a shaky breath drawn in.
Akaashi is crying, he realized, diving across the room to him.
“Hey, hey.” He put his hand on Akaashi’s shoulder. “What’s the matter?”
Akaashi shook his head and waved him off. “I’m fine, Bokuto-san.”
“I can see you’re not,” Bokuto sighed, stepping around to look at Akaashi’s face.
There were tears sliding down, but his sniffles and choked breaths were the only sounds that implied the crying. He didn’t grossly sob or wail. But looking at him made Bokuto’s chest constrict with heartache.
“Akashi,” he murmured.
On impulse, he reached his arms around Akaashi and held him close. He was afraid that the younger would push him away, but Akaashi just grabbed Bokuto’s shirt in both fists and kept him there. Bokuto rested his chin on Akaashi’s head, unsure what to do as his friend buried his face in his chest.
Akaashi had rarely broken down in front of him. He didn’t know what to do.
“Are you okay?” he whispered.
There was a sniffle, then, “Yes, Bokuto-san.”
Bokuto frowned. “If you’re crying, then you’re not okay.”
“Then why did you ask?”
He pulled back to rest his forehead on Akaashi’s. “Okay, I’ll ask a better question. What’s the matter?”
“It’s stupid,” Akaashi replied, averting eye contact.
“Nothing you feel is stupid. Aren’tcha the one who taught me that?”
“Yes…” Akaashi drew in a shaky breath. “I’m going to – to miss you, Bokuto-san.”
As soon as the words hit him, Bokuto started crying too. “Ah – Akaashi! I’m not going anywhere!” Then, he remembered he technically was going to college… “Well, not! Okay! So!”
Akaashi huffed a breath that to some might sound like a scoff, but Bokuto recognized it as a laugh.
“I’m staying right here,” he promised. “Maybe not…here, but here.” He pointed at Akaashi’s chest. “Not going anywhere from here, unless you forcibly evict me, Akaashi-kun.”
This time, Akaashi’s laugh was a little more audible. “I don’t plan on doing that, Bokuto-san.”
I could totally kiss him right now, Bokuto realized.
Then, he froze.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
“BOKUBRO!”
“KUBRO!”
Bokuto and Kuroo embraced like long-lost lovers, crushing each other in the doorway of their new home for the year.
“It’s been, so long, bro,” Kuroo whispered, wiping away an imaginary tear.
“So long,” Bokuto agreed, wiping away a real tear.
(He hadn’t quite stopped crying since he realized Akaashi would miss him.)
“Bro, are you actually crying?” Kuroo laughed.
Bokuto shrugged and looked away, his chest heavy and suddenly unable to breathe.
“Ah, bro.” Kuroo hugged him again, gentler this time. “What happened?”
“Akashi helped me pack,” he explained, sniffling. “He said – said he was gonna miss me, ‘n he started crying so I started crying and we hugged for a really long time ‘n now I can’t stop crying.”
Kuroo rubbed comforting circles on his back. “I’m sorry, man. It sucks leaving your best friend.”
Bokuto nodded, miserable.
“I had a crying session with Kenma today, too,” he added. “He totally whipped me at Mario Kart afterwards though, which cheered him up and then made me upset enough to leave him, haha.”
“Akaashi almost never falls apart like that,” Bokuto mumbled. “I’ve never seen him look…so sad?”
Kuroo nodded in understanding. “Yeah. That’s hard.”
“Well, enough of that.” Bokuto tried to pull himself up, reminding himself that it was normal and okay to feel sad sometimes. “Let’s start unpacking, right!”
Once Bokuto was down to his last box, the realization hit him a second time, but a bit more obvious. Like, before it tapped him on the shoulder, but this time, it just went in and clocked him in the head.
I’m in love with Akaashi.
His chest tightened at the thought, but he didn’t try to fight it. Deep down, he knew that it was true, definitely true, and probably had been true for a long time.
Kuroo is never going to let me live this down, is his second thought, and he chuckled at that one. It was painfully true as well, but at least someone would get a kick out of it eventually.
-
Akaashi had been in love with Bokuto long before meeting him, but that was a secret he planned to take to his grave.
He was a man of simple needs. All he wanted was to toss to Bokuto and spend time with him. For his first two years of high school – two beautiful years – he got exactly that. And honestly, it was enough. Enough to hear that stupid, “Hey, hey, hey! Your tosses are the best, Akashi!” and enough to walk the halls during lunch, just talking, and enough to stay for late practices even when Akaashi was exhausted and wanted to go home, and enough to stay up late working on homework together that definitely would’ve gone faster if they did it alone…
For two beautiful years, he felt like he had everything, and it was enough. But right then, standing in Bokuto’s room, labeling the moving boxes because Bokuto kept forgetting to…
It wasn’t enough anymore.
Akaashi was proud of himself for making it this far, honestly. In two years, he rarely found it in himself to deny Bokuto anything he asked, but he knew that Bokuto would do the same for him. To keep his feelings in check, though, he repeatedly rejected Bokuto’s request to drop the -san.
“It’s too formal, Akashiiiii!” he would complain.
But to drop the -san would mean to just call him Bokuto. And that could easily be shortened into a nickname, something endearing, like Bokkun. And nicknames of his family name would turn to calling him by his given, calling him Koutarou and trying to maintain his stoic disposition while Bokuto called him Keiji.
So this, this he would always deny Bokuto, because up until now, it had always been enough to keep his emotions at bay.
Nothing was enough anymore.
He kind of heard what Bokuto was saying right then. Something about how his life with Kuroo (without Akaashi) in their new place was going to be the coolest, but that Kuroo was keeping his word and making him study. But more than anything, he was aware that this normal part of his life, this piece of his heart, was leaving, and he was going to be so painfully aware of the absence.
“–thanks so much for helping me, by the way, ’Kaashi.”
That broke Akaashi’s train of thought. He gathered himself enough to respond, “Of course, Bokuto-san,” but he heard his voice quake and waver. Embarrassment on top of it all caused the first tear to spill. As long as he didn’t turn around, though, Bokuto wouldn’t have to know.
Bokuto did pause, but only for a moment before jumping back into his happy rambling. This time, it was about how exciting it would be to meet his new volleyball team (without Akaashi). He heard him say something about Daishou and being a snake, so he tried to laugh.
It wasn’t a laugh.
“Hey, hey.” And just like that, Bokuto was much closer than he was before.
Akaashi tried to deny that anything was the matter, but Bokuto didn’t believe him. In a flash, he found himself cradled in Bokuto’s arms. Bokuto held him gently, even though he could probably crush him if he tried. Akaashi wanted to keep him there forever. He grabbed onto Bokuto’s shirt with no intention of letting go.
A part of him felt bad for getting tears all over Bokuto’s shirt, but the rest of him was almost happy – in a bittersweet sort of way – to have this moment. If he closed his eyes and breathed for a moment, it almost could’ve been a lovers’ farewell.
Almost.
“Are you okay?” Bokuto whispered.
“Yes, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi lied, sniffling as he tried to control his tears.
“If you’re crying, then you’re not okay.” He could actually feel Bokuto’s pout against his hair. Cute.
“Then why did you ask?” Akaashi groaned, rolling his eyes and squeezing Bokuto’s shirt tighter.
Bokuto loosened his arms around Akaashi and pulled back, only enough to rest their foreheads together. Akaashi was dying a little at that. “Okay, I’ll ask a better question. What’s the matter?”
“It’s stupid,” Akaashi insisted, unable to meet the golden eyes in front of him.
“Nothing you feel is stupid. Aren’tcha the one who taught me that?” He chanced a look at Bokuto, overwhelmed to see how he was searching and analyzing his face.
“Yes…” Akaashi drew in a shaky breath. Might as well be honest. “I’m going to – to miss you, Bokuto-san.”
It was Bokuto’s turn to burst into tears. “Ah – Akaashi! I’m not going anywhere!” Akaashi almost argued with him, but Bokuto seemed to realize his mistake quickly enough. “Well, not! Okay! So!”
Akaashi huffed a laugh, pursing his lips to hold in a smile.
“I’m staying right here,” Bokuto promised. “Maybe not…here, but here.” He pointed at Akaashi’s chest. “Not going anywhere from here, unless you forcibly evict me, Akaashi-kun.”
“I don’t plan on doing that, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi held Bokuto’s hand against his heart. He didn’t even care if he could feel it pounding.
Bokuto’s expression softened, and he offered one of those gentle smiles that Akaashi sometimes felt were reserved just for him.
I love him, he thought, and that wasn’t unusual.
If I asked him to kiss me right now, would he? And honestly, that wasn’t an unusual thought either.
But Bokuto kept searching his eyes until his cheeks went pink, and Akaashi started to worry. But then… He would. He would do it.
And that was new.
Akaashi didn’t deny Bokuto’s request to walk him to the station. Why would he, anyways? He already felt a little selfish, wanting to take in as much time as possible before Bokuto left. Really, he wasn’t the one giving in here.
When they stepped out of Bokuto’s house, Bokuto grabbed his hand. He didn’t try to pull it away. Bokuto didn’t let go.
It was strange to walk in silence beside the most boisterous man that Akaashi knew, but he was aware of the melancholy surrounding them. This was the end of an era, so to speak. From here on out, Akaashi would walk alone to school, and Bokuto would walk to classes on a different campus, on a different schedule. When Akaashi tossed, a different spiker would hit it.
In some way, it felt like cheating on Bokuto to even think about tossing to someone else. Then, he felt envious knowing that Bokuto would hit someone else’s tosses from here on out.
He squeezed Bokuto’s hand with more force than necessary, but his spiker didn’t complain. Instead, Bokuto just tightened his grip in response.
Akaashi chanced a look at him, heart panging to see that Bokuto had yet to stop crying. It made Akaashi’s eyes water all over again. He looked away again, the first tears of a new round pouring forth.
“Akashi–”
“Bokuto-san–”
They both huffed empty laughs. Bokuto gestured for him to speak first, but Akaashi shook his head.
“Alright. Akaashi,” he started again, “I’m – I’m really going to miss you – and I – I really don’t wanna start hitting tosses from anyone else.”
Akaashi looked at him from the corner of his eye, but it wasn’t like he could see. His vision was blurred with all the stupid crying.
“Your tosses are the best, Akashi!” Bokuto raised their joined hands to punch the sky.
This time, Akaashi gave a bit more of a genuine laugh. “Sure, Bokuto-san.”
“Do you remember the first time I told you that?”
Did he ever. But he just gave a short nod. “I think so.”
Bokuto beamed at him, even though he was still crying. “I’m going to come home every possible weekend. I promise!”
“I’m sure your moms will be glad to know that,” Akaashi replied.
“Probably,” he agreed, “but I’m not exactly coming home to them – I mean, for them!”
“Hm?”
“Akaashi.” Bokuto stopped and stood in front of him. “Just say the word, and I’ll be on the first train back here, okay?”
As they started to walk again, Akaashi didn’t even think twice about believing him. He knew it was true. Not only was Bokuto honest to a fault, but Akaashi knew. Just as he could hardly deny Bokuto anything…Bokuto rarely denied him anything as well.
When they reached the station, he forced a smile. Bokuto released his hand in favor of hugging him tightly.
“I already miss you,” Bokuto wailed, far too loud for someone standing so close.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi tried to laugh, but he was choking on his words as well. Instead, he burrowed his face in the crook of Bokuto’s neck, letting himself have this moment, just the once.
Even though they hugged for about five minutes, it still felt soon when they pulled away.
“I’ll call you when I’m settled in, eh, Akashy?”
With that, Bokuto turned and headed towards the train.
Akaashi’s mouth moved faster than his brain, and he called, “Wait, Bokuto-san!”
Bokuto whipped around, something akin to hope on his face. “Yeah?”
Please, don’t go. But Akaashi had been selfish enough for one day. “Have a safe trip.”
Akaashi didn’t know why he expected Kenma of all people to provide him with solace. When Kozume-san opened the door, she simply sent Akaashi up to Kenma’s room. Kenma was wrapped in a blanket burrito on the bed, eating crisps and playing some game while he tried not to cry.
They were in the same position, after all.
Kenma paused his game and looked up. “Oh. Keiji.”
“Sorry, Kenma,” he murmured, not sure if he should leave.
Kenma shook his head and opened the blanket. “Come on, then.”
Akaashi cuddled up next to him and let himself be pulled into the tight blanket roll. “Thanks.” His voice broke.
Kenma nodded. “Thank you, too.”
Akaashi leaned on Kenma’s shoulder and watched him play the game. It was kind of amazing how the other setter managed to still win, despite the overflow of tears.
“They’re gonna have to come back and visit some time,” Kenma said finally. “They’re too stupid to get on without us.”
Akaashi stifled a laugh. “You’re not wrong, Kozume-chan.”
“I rarely am, Akaashi-kun.” They shared a look before Kenma went back to his game. It was going to be okay.