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"Wolf!"
I jerked upright, heart pounding as I blinked rapidly, trying to see something—anything. The darkness of the room foiled my attempts and I had to stop, reminding myself you can see. It's just dark, and wave my hand in front of my face. See? I couldn't make out the details, but that was definitely my hand.
My hand, my bed. My room, my country. I breathed a sigh of relief, both as my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I began to see vague shapes, and as reality settled back in. Running my hand over my forehead, I rubbed the slick sweat I'd wiped away on the sheets. We had definitely returned to Shin Makoku the day before, and everyone had greeted me at the port. Even—
I turned, and sure enough, there he was, sleeping normally for once. Present and alive and very much not dead from an arrow to the chest. He looked so angelic sleeping there, his long lashes dusting his pale cheeks, and golden locks, dimmer in the dark, but still an unmatched gold. It should be a crime to be that beautiful.
I had closed half the distance between us before I stopped myself. I didn't want to wake him; he had looked so tired when he'd greeted me earlier. I didn't know what was on his mind—perhaps he blamed himself for Draco? I'd told him a dozen times it had all worked out for the best, but he never listened to me anyway—but whatever it was, I did not want to increase his burdens.
I withdrew my hand, resting it on my lap instead. I still couldn't believe how close I had come to losing him. It had been months since he'd taken that arrow, meant for Saralegui, and crumbled like a sack of potatoes. I could still remember the stab of fear that had shot through my entire body when I'd seen him, unmoving and unresponsive, on the deck of the ship.
...sometimes, I still felt it. Like tonight, in my dreams. What if he hadn't been here to greet me alongside the others? What if I really had lost him? As it was, I could barely stand to consider it without my stomach roiling to the point I wanted to be sick. I couldn't even think about losing one comrade, but he and his brothers had really lost people. Huh. How weak I was.
Clutching my fist, I stared down at the blankets, reminding myself that he was here. He was alive. Even Josak was going to live, Anissina had told me. So why couldn't I let this go? I couldn't keep going on like this, fearing for his life any time a similar topic came up, or when I was left alone. This was our bed, in our room, shouldn't we be safe, here?
I shook my head to clear it, and moved to lay back down. That was right. I was going to stop thinking like this, and beg him to take me and Greta horseback riding tomorrow. That's right, he would like that.
Because I hadn't lost him...it had just been damn close.
"Hng? Yuuri...?"
I stiffened and halted my movements, caught in the act of wiggling closer to him. Of all the times for him not to sleep like the dea—like a log, it had to be now.
"It's nothing," I assured in a hushed tone. "Just rolling over. Go back to sleep."
He made a non-committal noise, and for a moment I thought he was drifting off again—but when does he ever listen to me? So instead he reached out, catching me by the shoulder. I looked up, catching his gaze. In the darkness, even his normally brilliant green eyes were darkened to a dull black, but I still couldn't look away.
"You're thinking loud. It's annoying."
"Uh, sorry," I said stupidly.
"Why can't you sleep?"
"Just woke up from a dream," I muttered. Even though he'd barely said anything, I felt my walls crumbling. He was my confidant, and...and he hadn't been around, lately. I had missed him more than I dared to say.
"Dreams can't hurt you," he said seriously, sitting up.
My breath caught, and I shoved myself up to join him. "No, but arrows can," I said before I could stop myself.
"...Yuuri?"
"That time, on Sara's ship! You knew, didn't you?" I accused, feeling my fears bubbling over into my infamous temper. "You knew what Sara was trying to do. That's why you took his clothing from me—"
"And?" The calmness in his tone irked me more. "It's my job as your liege lord to protect you. Anyone would have done the same."
"You aren't just anyone." Now he looked confused, his brow wrinkled as he squinted at me. I wasn't ready to stop, though. "You're the one who keeps saying it, right? You're my fiancé. So, start acting like it. Instead of...instead of trying to get killed, stand beside me and take care of yourself! I can't...if something happened to you, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself."
"Yuuri..."
"You need to stay alive. I'll order you to, if I have to," I muttered, feeling the heat leave me all at once. "So...please."
"It's not like I'm trying to get killed," he responds, sounding almost sullen. "But I'm pretty sure you are, and somebody has to keep you alive, since you don't appreciate your head being attached to your shoulders."
"...so, this is my fault?"
"What? Well, I didn't—" he blusters, suddenly looking anywhere but at me. "I didn't mean it like that."
"...am I too reckless, Wolf?" I ask after a moment's hesitation. I wasn't sure I really wanted to hear his answer.
He pauses at that, before letting out a long sigh that makes his shoulders sag. "You can be. I still," he shakes his head, as though making up his mind on something difficult, "I sometimes get bad dreams about that time I pulled you back from the cliff. I don't think I've ever seen you so scared, but you were ready to die--don't deny it, I could hear you yelling at Josak—and all because you value the lives of every one of us over your own. Why can't you just accept our protection?!"
Inexplicably, I find myself laughing, which makes his frown deepen. "This isn't funny, Yuuri."
But isn't it? What a pair we make, each so eager to jump to the other's defence, then getting upset when the same is done for us. It really is quite pathetic. Guess I am still a rookie—but if I am, so is he.
"Yuuri!"
"Sorry," I mutter, finally collecting myself. "Tell me what I can do then, Wolf. I don't want to keep endangering you." And everyone else.
He stares at me, as though disbelieving, for a long moment, then, "Start listening to us. That incident on the ship would never have happened if you had just taken my warnings about Saralegui seriously."
"Okay," I agree, without any hesitation. "And in return, you need to stop throwing yourself into danger for me." Because I need you to live long enough to sort out these feelings I have.
"Fine," he agrees. "Now can we sleep? Normal people are sleeping now."
I nod, suddenly feeling the exhaustion I hadn't noticed until now. "That's a good idea."
And if, when we settle back down, we wind up a little closer than normal? Well, I'm not about to complain. I had almost lost my chance to ever experience this again, so maybe, just maybe, I needed to learn to enjoy it while it was here. I wouldn't even complain if he kicked me out of bed, was what I vowed as I drifted off back into a sleep blessedly free of nightmares.