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Izuku knew what he was getting into when he decided that his career would be heroics. He knew that accepting One For All would bring with it a great burden to bear, a constant whisper in his ear repeating “You’re next,” over and over. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to save everyone, and that he might get hurt, or killed, in this line of work. He knew.
And he always smiled through it anyway. He stared all those new responsibilities and burdens in the face and smiled at them in defiance and said “I won’t let you stop me.”
His determination to overcome every hurdle and bump in the road increased tenfold with each one he encountered, and somehow, he managed to get past each one.
But sometimes, not without a price. Sometimes victory came with loss, with trauma and things that he knew he could never erase from his memory no matter how much he may want to.
And most days, he could ignore it. He could tread past that dark corner of his mind and tell himself I’m not going to deal with that , and he’d be fine and would carry on as normal.
But no matter how much he tried to prevent it, that dark space would eventually grow and grow and grow some more until all he could think about was I’m next, I’m the next holder of One For All after All Might and he and the world are depending on me, and Mirio’s lost his quirk and sometimes Eri gets bad days too and has trouble with her own quirk, Nighteye’s gone (could I have prevented that? Maybe he would be here if I had been fast enough to find out—) and what if the USJ had gone worse than it did, or Stain or Kamino Ward? Would some of my classmates be alive, still? Would I? If I died, One For All would die too; All Might’s and all the predecessors’ belief in me would be wasted. And—
And it consumed him. On those days, he struggled to get out of bed to start his day under the heavy pressure of his thoughts. He’d be harsher on himself in class and during hero training, thinking I have to be better , if only to justify to himself that he was worthy of his mentor’s quirk. That he wasn’t a useless Deku. That he wasn’t disappointing everyone who had somehow decided he was worth loving and believing in.
His friends noticed, every time.
And depending on what kind of negative thoughts were eating away at him that day, his friends (seemingly magically) knew to give him either some much-needed space, or to hug him until they managed to make him cry it all out while being squeezed by several strong, supportive people.
And he made sure to be just as supportive when he had to return the favor, too.
————————————
It was one of his bad days, today.
He’d been having nightmares of the USJ, Stain, Kamino and the Eight Precepts all week, and while normally he can push past them, he couldn’t quite get the image of his dying classmates out of his mind, this time.
Izuku woke abruptly, nearly falling out of his bed after being ejected from his sleep by a knife to the heart from the Hero Killer.
He’d had to watch Iida and Todoroki lose their lives before he himself was killed. Again.
Izuku sighed, and glanced over at his alarm clock. It was 3:45 in the morning.
Ah, what the heck, it wasn’t like he was getting much more sleep anyway.
He decided to do his morning routine early, and got out of bed to put on his jogging outfit. But the moment he stood, a wave of exhaustion hit him and he had to sit back down for a second to collect himself.
Yep, it’s one of those days.
Aizawa may or may not kill me for this, Izuku thought as he stepped outside the dorms. It’s probably still too early to be outside, right?
He jogged and stretched for longer than he normally would, trying to wake himself up. A cold shower after that helped too. Eventually, he managed to wrestle his exhaustion back down to a manageable level, and he walked back into the common room, fully dressed for class.
He glanced at his phone. 4:52 AM. Izuku sighed. At least some of his other classmates will start to wake up by 5, so then he could distract himself before class. For now, though, he slumped on the large couch and closed his eyes, trying to fend off the flashes of the past, the what if’s.
He spent a while like that, simply breathing and letting the minutes tick by.
Then there was the sound of footsteps on the stairs, which then abruptly stopped, presumably after reaching the bottom.
“Deku?” Came a low growl. “The fuck are you doing?”
“Just resting my eyes, Kacchan,” Izuku said quietly. He turned his head to look behind him. Even in the darkness of the common room, he could tell that Kacchan’s eyebrows were furrowed into a frown. He watched as Kacchan almost, but not quite, stomped over to stand behind the couch where Izuku was sitting.
Izuku and Kacchan tended to begin their days and subsequent daily exercise at roughly the same time, and both of them knew this. Izuku was wearing his school uniform and probably looked like he had been up for a while. Kacchan, on the other hand, had clearly woken up a few minutes ago and looked ready for his first jog of the day. Kacchan was smart enough to connect the dots.
“You better have already eaten something, stupid nerd,” was all he said. “And if you haven’t and you pass out later or some shit, I’m not gonna help you. Got it?”
“Loud and clear, Kacchan,” Izuku said. Kacchan “tsk”s and walks towards the dorm entrance. He hears the door open and close, and the room fell quiet once more.
Izuku sighs, and gets up from the couch. Might as well take Kacchan’s advice and eat something. His leftovers from last night in the fridge would do.
As he’s eating, more early-risers start to trickle in. First Iida, who gives him a questioning look after seeing him there earlier than normal until he sees the dark circles under his eyes. He proceeds to give him a quick two-minute lecture on the importance of proper rest before heading out to do his own morning workout. Then Satou, who turns on the kitchen light and starts to bake something that smells sweet and delicious. Which consequently begins to attract more people like moths to a flame.
Suddenly it’s seven in the morning and he’s sitting next to Uraraka, who had taken one look at him and gifted him with her strong, steady presence as they chatted amicably about current events. Iida joins them soon after, and then they’re walking to the main building for class.
Of course, his mood plummeted even more as soon as the bell rang.
Aizawa walked in and immediately announced a pop quiz, and Izuku is pretty sure he missed half the questions, despite being quite studious and keeping on top of his notes and classwork.
Bad day today, he thought quite unnecessarily.
He had trouble writing notes during his other classes and struggled to focus through a tired haze that had settled over his mind, prompting worried glances from Iida and Uraraka. And he was trying, he really was. It was just… a lot more difficult to function at that point in time.
“Are… are you okay, Deku-kun?” Uraraka asked gently during lunch. “It’s one of those days, isn’t it?”
Her response was a slow nod from Izuku, who had his head down on the table after an unsuccessful attempt at eating. (Iida had frowned at that, but mercifully held off on the hand-chopping and lecture.) Todoroki, who was sitting next to Izuku, seemed to debate with himself over something before he solemnly patted Izuku on the back.
“You can talk to us if you need to, kero,” Asui— Tsuyu said.
Izuku gave a small exhale and lifted his head. “I know, I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?” Tsuyu tilted her head curiously.
“I just—“ He paused, rolling the words around in his mind. “I’m just not at my best today, a-and I don’t want— I don’t mean to be a burden because of my problems—“
“Midoriya-kun, you are not being a burden at all!” Iida exclaimed. “We all get those days that may seem bleaker than the rest. Would you consider me a burden if I looked desolate one day?”
“N-no! Of course not! I didn’t mean—“
“I know,” Iida said, surprisingly quietly. “But like Tsuyu-san said, and like you taught me a while ago, we’re here if you want to talk to us, or even if you just need to vent.” Todoroki nodded his agreement.
Izuku smiled. “Thanks, you guys.”
(His smile looked a little broken, Uraraka noted. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, today.
Those green, green eyes that were filled with a familiar pain.)
———————————
After lunch was Hero Training. The class grabbed their costumes, filed into their changing rooms, and were out at Field Gamma within a few minutes, ready to train. Everyone was chatting amongst themselves, wondering what exercise All Might would give them today when instead of the retired hero (and they were still getting used to that— it was hard to believe that the former Number One Hero was no longer active, and also had a True Form), Aizawa came to stand in front of the class.
“I’ll be filling in for All Might today,” he stated bluntly. Murmurs broke out, which then got quickly shut down with a glare.
“What happened? Is he okay?” Asked Mina, frowning.
“He’ll be fine,” Aizawa said. “Recovery Girl is just chewing him out again and it didn’t look like he was going to escape anytime soon. I wasn’t gonna get involved in that just to get him to come teach you lot.”
Figures , everyone didn’t say.
They were tasked with getting in groups of five, making four groups total. (Of course, the groups were random.) There would be mannequins hidden in the rubble in a destroyed part of the fake city, and each group had to find and treat the “injuries” of each one. Each “rescue” and treatment earned them points, and they had to get a certain amount of points to pass.
And Izuku…
Well. He was certainly out of it for quite a chunk of the exercise. His teammates had to shout his hero name or tap his shoulder to get him to focus quite frequently, and sometimes his treatment of the mannequins they found was sloppy. Not good enough, not good enough—
He shook his head harshly and focused. He was supposed to be wrapping bandages on the wooden leg of a mannequin that had been stuck under some rubble. There was a small sign on it that read “large cut.” He made quick work of it and then handed the wooden person off to Yaoyorozu, who was on his team and who quickly carried it to an area they had set up for the “injured.” I’m not being good enough—
“Deku, over here!” He heard Jirou call. She had her earphone jacks plugged into some concrete a little ways away. The mannequins had little metal hearts in them, which made it possible for Jirou to be able to apply her quirk. “Two heartbeats, one steady and the other one irregular and faint.”
“On it!” Izuku jogged over and quickly but cautiously began to remove the rubble to clear a path to their targets. Faster, come on, get to them faster!
Luckily, this time there wouldn’t be faux-villains to throw into the mix. Small mercies.
The mannequins were unearthed and Jirou helped him carry them up and over to their “injured” area before getting back to work. It’s not enough, you’re not doing enough , everyone has been doing so much better—
You’ll never make a good hero if this is the kind of work you’re doing, a voice nagged in his head. He tried to shake it off by treating another victim, to no avail. If these were real people, the ones you tried to save would probably be dead. Useless, worthless Deku. Letting weakness get to you to the point of affecting your actions.
Have to be better, have to get stronger, have to do better, I can’t afford to let anyone down—
The exercise passed in a blur, and before he knew it, a buzzer was sounding and Aizawa’s voice came over the speakers, telling them to report to the observation room in order for the next group to begin.
Through the self-deprecating cloud in his mind, Izuku was aware of a hand gently grasping his and leading him away from the field. The voices in his head jumped at the chance to berate him more over the fact, but the contact grounded him a little more towards reality, and he was able to make it back to the rest of the class without shutting down completely, and with a bit of a clearer mind. The hand holding his ended up being Yaoyorozu’s. He smiled at her gratefully and gave her hand a squeeze, hoping she realized how much the gesture meant to him. She smiled in return and then disconnected their hands as she turned her attention to Aizawa, who had started to talk to them about their strengths and weaknesses during their time out in the fake city.
(They passed, but their score wasn’t absolutely stellar. Izuku tried not to let the guilt eat away at him.)
He went to stand by Iida and Uraraka, who had both already gone on their respective turns before him. They didn’t say anything, but Izuku could see the worry on their faces.
“Midoriya, come with me,” Aizawa said suddenly, as the final group of five exited for their turn. Izuku froze, and his mind went into a frenzy.
He’s going to expel me, he knows I was horrible out there, I messed up so bad that Aizawa-sensei is going to kick me out—
Izuku followed his homeroom teacher to the hallway outside the observation room. And whatever he was expecting, it certainly wasn’t what he got.
He stiffened a little when Aizawa put his hand on Izuku’s head, before allowing himself to relax. “Midoriya, I’m dismissing you early today.” He said gruffly. Izuku opened his mouth to protest. “It’s not a punishment, kid. Everyone and their mother can see how exhausted you are, and that’s coming from me.” He took his hand from Izuku’s curls to point at his own eye bags. “I want you to go back to the dorms, eat something, and I want you to rest . You can't function at your best when you don’t even have energy. And if you’re having trouble sleeping, I want you to see Recovery Girl about it, yeah?”
Aizawa stared Izuku down until he finally sighed and relented. “Yes, Sensei.”
“Again, this isn’t a punishment,” he paused for a moment. “All things considered, you did good today, kid,” Aizawa said. Izuku stood up ramrod straight, spluttering at the sudden compliment. Aizawa gave him a little push. “Go. You’re dismissed for today.” And then he turned right back around and walked back into the observation room, leaving Izuku alone in the hallway.
You did good today, kid.
Izuku sighed. Even though Aizawa was the one who had said it…
Why did he still have such a hard time believing it?
—————————-
The moment he stepped into the common room of the 1-A dorms, Izuku collapsed face-first onto the couch and screamed into a pillow. For quite a while.
Dammit, I couldn’t even make it through the full day. Useless, useless, useless!
The voices in his head screamed louder than ever, and they began to take on the voices of his friends, his teachers, his mom. Memories from the past began flashing in his mind.
I’m sorry Izuku, I’m so sorry!
If you want a quirk so bad, hope you get one in the next life and take a swan dive off the roof!
Distantly, he noticed that his face was wet. He didn't bother wiping the tears away.
And slowly, Izuku found himself agreeing with his thoughts.
——————————
“Do you think he’s doing okay?” Uraraka said quietly. Class had ended for the day, and she was walking along with Tenya and Shinsou to get to the dorms. Tenya frowned.
“He’s looked exhausted all day. I just hope he’s taken care of himself while we were away!” He said. Shinsou, on Tenya’s other side, had to duck in order to not get knocked unconscious by his swinging arms. They reached the entrance and went in to find their friend after taking their shoes off.
They found him asleep on the couch, tear tracks painfully visible on his face. Tenya felt his heart drop down to his feet. Uraraka sighed, long and sad, and turned to the other two.
“We have to do something,” she stated firmly. Tenya and Shinsou were quick to agree, and when the rest of the class filed in and saw their sleeping classmate, distressed even while resting, they voiced their determination to help (except maybe Bakugou— he just went up to his room, grumbling about one thing or another. At least he hadn’t tried to explode Midoriya awake). Everyone gathered together to discuss how to best cheer Midoriya up, speaking quietly so that they wouldn’t wake the boy up. Soon, a plan began to fall into place.
——————————-
Izuku didn’t know where he was. All he could see was darkness; it felt like he was standing on nothing, but the ground was solid under his feet anyway. It felt like he was drifting in a sea of black, and yet he was anchored down.
“H-hello?” He called uncertainly. His voice echoed loudly in the dark, and there was no answer. He advanced forward, trying to find anything other than the void he seemed to be stuck in. He was surprised he was able to walk on seemingly nothing, but he wouldn’t complain. “Hello?” He shouted again. His only company was the echo of his voice.
He kept going, if only because there simply wasn’t anything else to do. It felt like an eternity was passing and like he was making no progress. Everything looked the same, after all. He couldn’t tell if he was going in the right direction, or if there was a right direction to follow at all. An eternity kept passing by as he soldiered on.
And then there was a light. It was faint, barely visible in the distance, but he could see it if he looked hard enough. His heart leapt into his throat, and he ran. He ran as fast as he could, and then discovered he could use One For All in this place and he ran even faster towards the light.
When he finally reached it, he wished he had just stayed away.
It was a memory. His memory, to be precise, playing in front of him like a movie that was floating in the air. And it was starring the USJ.
Guess I’m gonna be reliving this again, he thought bitterly. An idea began to form in his mind. If he could use One For All in here… Or maybe I won’t.
It was stupid, and he knew it was stupid, but it was the only thing he could think of at the moment. He punched the (screen? Hologram? Whatever it was) with a One For All powered fist, and watched with some satisfaction when he saw cracks break out across the surface. The memory paused. It was displaying the Noumu looming over a motionless Aizawa, its large hand gripping his teacher’s head. Izuku grimaced, and punched it again. The cracks spiderwebbed across the entire thing, now. Izuku cranked up the power on his quirk, and gave it one final punch. It shattered completely, exploding like glass shards that were glowing brightly and giving off an intense white light that seemed to be increasing in brightness—
Wait. What? What is it—
——————————
Ochako was in the middle of floating a blanket over the poles that Yaomomo had created and positioned against the couch that Deku was on to complete the tent they were making when she heard a strangled gasp, and then looked down to see the green-haired teen sitting up, with haunted eyes and gasping horribly. Ochako promptly forgot about the blanket, and she let it drop as she rushed over to him.
“Deku! Deku, it’s okay, it was just a dream, you’re okay,” she said, and she ignored how her hands were shaking a little as she put them on his shoulders. “You’re safe .” It took a few seconds before Deku seemed to realize she was there, and when he did, his eyes widened even further.
“U-U-Uraraka,” He whispered. “You—you’re okay, it,” he paused to take a deep breath, and he hugged his arms and seemed to shrink into himself. “It wasn’t real, it wasn’t real, it wasn’t real—“
Ochako could probably hazard a guess as to what he saw. She surged forward to envelop him into a hug, and she put all the reassurance she could into the squeeze she gave him. “You’re right, it wasn’t real,” she murmured. “I’m right here, and I’m safe, and so is everyone else. We’re in the U.A. dorms, and no one is hurt, or injured. It’s okay.”
She continued to whisper reassurances to him, and slowly, Deku’s trembling (he wasn’t crying—and considering his personality, that worried her) began to slow, and he hugged her back. They stayed like that for a long time.
Eventually, Deku withdrew and looked at her. “I-I’m sorry—“
“Don’t even start apologizing,” she interrupted, and then softened when she noticed him flinch a little. “You’ve had a rough week, and an even harder day. It’s not your fault nightmares are a bitch.” The curse startled a laugh out of Deku, and she smiled. “We’re making blanket tents and bringing as many pillows as we possibly can to stuff into them, and we’re gonna watch Disney movies until we pass out. You in?”
Deku seemed to suddenly notice the poles, still leaning on the couch, and the abandoned blanket on the floor. A light flickered to life inside his eyes. It was small, and her best friend certainly still looked pretty out of it, but that small light in his eyes was warm, and it gave Ochako hope.
“Yeah,” he smiled softly. “Yeah, I’m in.”
Ochako grinned, and leaned over to tap the blanket on the floor with her quirk. She made quick work of depositing it on top of the poles, completing the makeshift tent. “Great! Now help me carry as many pillows as you can.”
——————————
Izuku had woken up in a frenzy, with the image of Uraraka, motionless on the ground and eyes wide and unseeing burned into his eyelids. Tsuyu, reduced to a pile of ash by Shigaraki. Izuku hadn’t been fast enough to save her. Aizawa, head crushed into the ground. His classmates, being picked off like flies while he did nothing .
But then Uraraka—safe, warm, alive — had come over and helped him calm down. And for that he was so, so grateful.
Now he was trying not to stumble down the stairs, arms laden with so many blankets and pillows that it was difficult to see where he was going. The common room looked more like some sort of weird pillow land at this point, and he didn’t see the point of bringing down even more, but. Where did all these blankets and pillows come from anyway? There were so many…
Well, at least no matter where anyone sat or laid down, they’d be comfortable.
It took a while to get it all set up, and once they were finally, finally done, everyone settled down (even Bakugou came back down to see what the commotion was about and got dragged into the whole thing by Kirishima) into their claimed areas and promptly began to argue over which Disney movies to watch first.
When it came to light that Todoroki had never seen Disney, it was a near unanimous decision to start with Frozen. Izuku chuckled a little at that, sitting down in his own tent next to Uraraka. He’d stuck with her at every chance he got. To her credit, she seemed to understand. He still couldn’t quite tear the sight of her open, sightless eyes from his brain. Nor could he do the same with Tsuyu, or Todoroki, or—
He shook his head. Those two were also in the tent with him, along with Iida and Shinsou. He just so happened to be relatively in the middle of all five of them (although he suspected that wasn’t an accident), and they constantly made contact with him in some form or another. Shinsou, sitting on his other side, would bump shoulders with him from time to time. Uraraka ended up leaning her head on his shoulder as the movie progressed. The others somehow found ways to silently communicate to him that they were here, that they understood and would stay by his side. He found it increasingly difficult not to burst into tears as the evening wore on.
When the first movie had ended and Todoroki had been enlightened, everyone decided to take a quick break to get more snacks, use the bathroom, whatever they needed. Todoroki stood and cautiously stepped around them to go do something in the kitchen. Iida stared after him, narrowed his eyes, and then stood up himself and followed him. Izuku shrugged it off after a moment of confusion.
After a while the next movie—Mulan— was started, and when Todoroki came back, he was holding a mug of hot cocoa and putting it in Izuku’s hands before he could even react.
“For you,” was all he said before sitting back down and turning his attention to the screen.
Iida had come back with him. “I went after him to make sure he didn’t prepare it using his quirk. I had to stop him several times! Using fire to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen could have been very dangerous and—“
“ Shh!” Several classmates glared in Iida’s direction. Slightly mortified, Iida quickly said an equally loud apology before settling back down himself. Izuku stifled giggles into his hand, and thanked Todoroki for the drink.
The cup was warm. His friends surrounding him were warm. Internally, the negative thoughts and the memories that had been plaguing him slowly melted away with each little gesture. They didn’t fade completely, no. But he felt warm and loved, and that was enough to put everything else to the back of his mind.
Warm were also the tears that were making their way back down his cheeks again. Uraraka noticed like she had a personal alarm for whenever he cried, and she turned slightly in order to wrap her arms around his middle. She then glared at Iida and Shinsou in turn until they relented and did the same, and Izuku felt two more pairs of arms circle him. Then Tsuyu joined in, and Todoroki hesitated for another second before also joining the group hug. He and Shinsou were a little more stiff, but it was okay. The tears fell a bit faster.
“Thank you,” Izuku whispered, almost too quietly to hear. “Thank you. For all of this.”
Five pairs of arms squeezed him, and somehow he knew they understood. He smiled, and he felt warm.
(And if they all fell asleep like that, in a large group cuddle, and awoke content and surrounded by their sleeping classmates, and still stayed like that for a little longer than necessary, well. That was their own business.)