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I can't believe I messed it up even with the recipe. He thought. What kind of an idi...woah what's he doing? He asked himself as he saw Robert taking off his jacket.
“It's okay it won't take a sec to fix. Have you got any more eggs?” - asked Robert and for a moment Aaron thought he was dreaming. Why would he want to help? Before he could realize he already nodded and went to the fridge to get everything Robert listed.
If he wanted to be honest, it was extremely difficult to concentrate on anything but him. He was there, in their kitchen... cooking.... just like old times. Like it's something they do every now and then. Like it's normal. It was hard for Aaron to separate his feelings. Nostalgia hit him and there was no turning back. He tried to act normal, as normal as possible, but Robert was there, so close he could've touched him if he wanted to.
He tried small talk, asked him about the birthday present, and Robert told him what Alex would've wanted to get him. For a while, it was easy, because they never had problems on this front. They always knew each other, how to make the other smile. It was always easy. But then Robert said “I'm not doing great at this whole friend thing” and Aaron couldn't pretend anymore. For a minute he let his guard down and told him he kinda knew that he was involved somehow. Of course, he knew because Alex couldn't come up with something as brilliant as those Leeds festival tickets. That idea could've only come from someone who knew Aaron in and out. And he didn't even have to think to know it was Robert. So he thanked him, and they laughed, and …. Is he flirting? He asked himself. No, that's not it... you're seeing things that aren't even there. He told himself, trying to act normal.
“You're the boss, I just get on with it shall I?”
Definitely flirting.... I didn't imagine that. Or... is it something exes just do? He was more than confused at this point. Robert made everything difficult. He made him question every decision he's made.... question his feelings. Not that Aaron didn't have second thoughts before. Every time he and Robert got close, he wondered about what ifs and maybes. Just like last time.... at Christmas. He was ready to tell him he's made a mistake, that he wants him back, but then Robert started talking first... and he crushed Aaron's heart along with his own... again. Now he got the same vibes. Being around Robert was way too easy, it wasn't complicated, it was..... it was like it meant to be.
He closed his eyes for a second as Robert concentrated on cooking. On one hand, everything felt like how it was before.... before they split up..... on the other hand, he was torn. He was supposed to have feelings for someone else, yet he's here with his ex-husband, who's cooking dinner for him and his boyfriend? It sounded surreal.
He's so good at this. He thought as he was watching Robert. I've always loved his cooking. And he's the only one who can actually use this pasta machine thingy. Oh my god, I'm staring at him, aren't I? He panicked. I can't keep doing this. Why did he have to roll up his sleeves? He knows I love when he does that... LOVED! His head was a mess at this point. Say something he said to himself. Come on say something anything. he begged but his brain was blank, it was filled with Robert, and their past, and happy memories. Things he shouldn't be even thinking about right now. He was kind of relieved when Robert asked about Liv. It gave time for his brain to get away from overthinking. Even just for a minute.
“She hates me.”
“She misses you underneath all that I know she does.”
“Yeah well, she misses me helping her with her algebra.” - laughed Robert.
“Probably... I do.” - said Aaron and regretted it the moment the words left his lips. YOU IDIOT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING... SAY SOMETHING it sounded weird.... you cannot say things like that.... - “Coz you're good at math.... not...”
“Well, I miss her too.” - in that moment they both knew they weren't talking about Liv.... well not only about Liv. They missed each other and there was no point in denying that.
Aaron didn't think things could get even more awkward..... he was wrong. Part of him was relieved when he received that text from Alex. He was glad he wasn't coming. And not even a moment later he found himself inviting Robert. Because it was a logical step for his brain. At first...
A bit of light flirting and laughter later, he was happy to know Robert was staying. Deep down he was hoping for an evening like this, but he never would've imagined he could have it.
They were sitting at the table, and food never tasted better, at least according to Aaron's mind. He shouldn't be surprised, Robert was always great at the kitchen, and he didn't have anything decent ever since..... ever since they're not together anymore. He missed it.
Somehow they started talking about cooking and Aaron couldn't believe Robert was defending his cooking skills. Even Aaron could admit that he wasn't that good at the kitchen, but Robert decided to bring up those rare occasions where he actually made something decent for their family. Basically, their conversation was about who could compliment the other more, and Aaron found that sweet. And then...
“What did we do for Valentine's Day last year?” - asked Robert. Aaron thought for a second he was joking. He cannot be that daft. How could he not remember? We barely left the bed...
“Early night weren't it?” - he answered trying hard not to blush. He glanced at Robert and saw the exact moment when the penny dropped.
“Oh yeah... course.” - he muttered. Robert couldn't believe he was that stupid to forget it. At this point, Aaron only tried to hide a laugh, because thinking about this whole situation... it was quite funny. Of course, they were banging all day, they never had issues on that front either. And they weren't the type to go extreme lengths for a date either. They figured it was cheap, and they'd be doing something they both clearly enjoyed.... so they stayed at home.
Robert was clearly embarrassed so he did the only thing his mind allowed him.... asked a question about Alex and Aaron couldn't lie.
“Well, there's no rush. You're still getting to know each other.” - said Robert and Aaron couldn't believe how selfless he was.
“Yeah, but we didn't have to do any of that stuff did we? It just... wasn't an effort.” - answered Aaron because he could only compare this to their relationship. He didn't even realize it but he did that all the time. Sometimes he found himself thinking about how weird that Alex doesn't know him... not like Robert. Because Robert figured him out sooner than he realized and he just knew him.... from one look he could tell if something was wrong, and that was back when they were only just an affair. Whereas Alex... he just.... he was nice.... but other than that? Sometimes Aaron felt like he's only doing this relationship thing for his mum and sister's sake. Because they want it so much.... not because that's also what he wants.... because if he wanted to be honest with himself.... what he wanted.... whom he really wanted..... that somebody was sitting right there in front of him.
He was there.... on the couch, and Aaron couldn't take his eyes off of him. Then he started talking about how hard it is for him.... this whole Rebecca thing.... and Seb.... and Aaron wanted nothing more than to just hug him and tell him it's going to be okay.
“I'm trying to be everything Seb needs... you know like you said....” - said Robert with teary eyes and Aaron felt himself getting emotional as well. Robert wanted to leave after Seb was born and he only stayed because of Aaron. Because Aaron told him to. And he listened. And he stepped up. And he's been there for Seb ever since. And Aaron admired him for that. He knew how hard it must be for Robert, he could see it in his eyes, but he stayed. And he was proud of him. So proud. And he needed Robert to know that.
“Robert you're doing a great job. I'm proud of ya.” - he said looking at him. I'm touching him, I'm actually touching him.... what am I doing? Don't look at his lips... don't look a..... fuck why did I look there? Wait... is he..... he wants to kiss me? Do I want to kiss him? Of course, I do... fuck should I lean in... what should I do? He asked himself getting more worked up by the second. By the time he decided what to do the doorbell disturbed them. Aaron cursed silently wishing whoever was at his door would just disappear because he wanted nothing more than to feel Robert's lips against his. Just this time.... just this once.
Alex went on about how he knows that him and Robert are just mates now, and Aaron wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. He was embarrassed because if Alex stayed away he would've ….. he didn't even dare to imagine what would've happened. And the worst is that he wanted it to happen. He desperately wanted it, and now he just couldn't face Alex... so he lied. He lied to a doctor about how he's not feeling good.... only for him to go and leave him and his thoughts alone. He was more than relieved when Alex didn't kick up a fuss over it and just went home.
What the hell am I doing? He asked himself for the hundredth time that evening. Aaron you idiot.... what the fuck was this? We almost kissed.... I would've kissed him... I would've done it... where did he get to? Did he... no, he wouldn't.... not out the window... he thought trying to figure out how did Robert leave the house without them noticing. He must have climbed out... that's impressive.... WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT. I need to stop this.... he thought as he got his phone in his hand. Before he realized what was happening he dialled the number. Why am I calling him? Oh god... What I'm gonna say when he...
“Hello?”
Shit.... say something.... or hang up... Arghh... what should I do? Why did I call him? WHY?
“Aaron?”
“It's.... erm.... pocket dial. Sorry.” - he said before he finally hung up. God, why is this so hard? What am I doing? Why does he have to be there... always there.... in every thought..... Why is he always there? He asked himself on the verge of crying despite knowing the answer. If he wanted to be honest with himself he's always known the answer to that. His mind and his heart as well.