Archive of Our Own

This is definitely a waste of time, of all the things they could be doing while spending their vacations together in the lovely city, this is definitely a stupid thing to do. Nonetheless, it's what Wooyoung wants to do, and San would go to hell and back for his boyfriend.

“Okay!” Wooyoung says, far too loud and enthusiastic for such a public place, “now you go and I'll take the picture!”

“Why don't I take the picture? You were the one who wanted to come here after all” San complains, stomping his foot like he's a six years old fighting with his mother.

“Come on, San, it'll be cute!” Wooyoung screams again, earning him a few amused slash annoyed stares.

He sighs, there's no use fighting against Wooyoung anyway, the younger always gets what he wants in the end, so trying to offer resistance is always pointless.

San marches, then, to the center of the plaza they're in, where a statue stands.

The man made of stone in the podium is reaching a hand out in what seems to be a desperate gesture, his features turned into something that resembles slight panic. He's beautiful, San notices as he gets closer, so beautiful it's only logical he's not a real person, with full cheeks and round eyes, full lips, a defined stone hand reaching out with its palm to the front, fingers spread just enough that someone else could put theirs in between.

It's a famous touristic place in this city, apparently, rumour has it that if the statue touches hands with its soulmate then it'll turn into a human. How stupid, of course nobody believes that. But it's still a good opportunity to fool around, various people taking pictures and videos with the statue daily to post in social media.

San waits patiently as a tall girl takes a video with the oeuvre of art, using the chance to take in the figure better. The stone is shaped to resemble clothes that look way too ancient, like how they dressed a few dynasties ago, had he been a man he'd be supporting his weight on his left foot only, his right foot at the back, almost as if he had been stopped in the middle of giving a step, his left hand out. On the podium, there's a small writing at the top, “the lonely lover” it reads, and San cringes at how fucking corny that is.

The girl finishes taking her video and walks away, giggling happily to herself and mumbling something in a language San can’t quite recognize.

“Okay Sannie! Grab his hand!” Wooyoung screams again, San wants to tell him to calm down if he doesn't want the police to come and kick them out, but he can only roll his eyes at his slightly annoying boyfriend.

San turns to face the camera, making a face that has Wooyoung giggling as he reaches his hand behind him to hold the statue's.

It happens in a blur. Fast, confusing, and alarming.

One moment, San is making a funny face to make Wooyoung laugh, the next, he's almost crushed by a person. 

San barely manages to catch the other, hands gripping firmly at a waist while he stumbles back, almost falling on his ass in the process, feeling utterly dumbfounded because what the fuck. 

He misses the numerous gasps as he looks up and makes eye contact with the person that almost crushed him. Standing there, right in front of him —and god, way too close— is no other than the statue.

The man that had been made of stone, standing over a podium and reaching a hand out less than a second ago was now staring at San's eyes, eyebrows furrowed and mouth pursed oh-so-cutely in what seemed to be confusion. His large, dark, round eyes seems to be piercings through San's soul, as if only with one look he can know his every thought.

Loud cheers bring the two of them out of their haze, people around them are clapping and whistling, some even taking pictures and recording, everyone seem to be both excited and shock.

San's eyes fall on Wooyoung, who's standing in the exact same place, his phone still held as if he was taking a picture, but his face is a painting of amazement, his mouth hanging open and his eyebrows all but meeting his hairline.

San switches between looking at his boyfriend and the boy between his arms, whose gaze seems to never leave him, unsure of what he is supposed to do next.

Think, Choi San, think. What to do when a statue that's supposed to turn into a human when its soulmate touches it actually does, all of this while your boyfriend is taking a picture.

Well, you could start for letting go of the guy's waist.

San peels himself off the boy, giving a step back, and then another when the other attempts to follow him. He clears his throat, looking back at Wooyoung who's now frowning at them.

“This has to be a fucking joke” San mutters to himself, looking back at the nameless boy.

Wooyoung walks up to them then, slowly, and stands next to San. He looks at their new friend with a frown, but none of them say anything… San is starting to wonder if this boy can talk.

“What's your name?” He tries, placing a hand on the small of Wooyoung's back to reassure some of the uneasiness San doesn't need to ask to know he's feeling.

The boy frowns at him, not like he's mad, but like he's thinking hard.

“Jong… ho” he says after a pause, unsure, his voice is broken and raspy but oh so sweet, he pouts with both lips for a moment and San has to stop himself from cooing at how cute he is, “My name is Jongho”

“Sweet, I'm Wooyoung” the younger says before San can open his mouth, “This is San, he's my boyfriend”

San almost laughs at how jealous Wooyoung is, had the situation been different, he'd surely have laughed, but given the circumstances, he doesn't think anyone's up to laugh now.

They take Jongho to a small café at the side of the plaza, and people keep giving them stares, obviously recognizing the man who was previously a statue standing in the middle of the park.

“Uh, ah, can I, uh, serve you anything?” The waiter says, unable to tear his eyes away from Jongho, looking like he’s extremely confused. What a mood.

San looks at Jongho, who has not let his eyes wander to anywhere but him since he became a man.

“I think just water is okay, maybe a sandwich” San says.

“Do you have, like, alcohol here?” Wooyoung asks, glaring at Jongho with the biggest frown.

“No” the waiter answers, looking at Wooyoung equal parts like he's crazy and like he understands.

“Damn it then, just give me a tea” Wooyoung says, sounding beat up.

There's an awkward silence once the waiter leaves, Jongho looks at San, who looks at Wooyoung, who looks at Jongho.

San can swear the air has never been thicker, filled with an unnameable thing that made the hair on his nape stand.

“How old are you?” San asks, unable to take the silence any longer. It's probably not the smartest thing to ask to someone who was a statue around fifteen minutes ago, but he does dumb shit when he panics.

Jongho looks at the distance, probably scouring his brain for anything to spit out. The silence stretches for too long before Wooyoung breaks it.

“According to Wikipedia” he says, frowning at his phone, he's been frowning for so long he'll sure get wrinkles, “he's been there for like 300 years. A famous and very talented sculptor, a so called master of the chisel, left him there claiming he was his best work and wanted to give him to the city, no one knows where the legend came from, though.” 

San breathes out hard through his nose, looking at Wooyoung's phone as if the small rectangle had just offended him.

“How is it possible that he's a person now?” San asks, more to himself than to anyone else. Wooyoung apparently catches up on that, because he doesn't make a sarcastic comment like he normally would.

San feels warmth over his hand on top of his thigh, and he looks down to find that Jongho has set a hand on top of his own, the sleeve of his robe splaying over San's thigh and falling to the side in a small graceful cascade of soft fabric.

It feels nice, pleasantly warm and just right.

San takes his hand away.

“Why did you do that?” He says, not because he's bothered by it —though he should be— but because he can't be doing that when San's boyfriend is sitting right next to them, soulmate or not, San is still taken.

Jongho frowns, he looks sad and troubled. San's heart feels strange, guiltiness for having made Jongho sad settling heavily in his chest like nothing ever has. 

The other lowers his gaze, his eyes fixed on the floor, pouting. He pouts an awful lot, San wants to know if he does it on purpose or if he's just that fucking cute naturally.

The waiter comes back with their orders, two glasses of water, a sandwich and a cup of tea. San pushes the sandwich to Jongho as soon as the waiter leaves, figuring 300 years is quite long and maybe his stomach could use some food.

“Eat that” he demands, and Jongho doesn't hesitate to lift it and give it a bite, as if he's forced by law to do everything San tells him to.

“What are we gonna do with him?” Wooyoung asks, frowning at his tea while he moves the bag around to dissolve the sugar, the thread will probably break if he keeps doing that.

“I don't know” San sighs, “I doubt he has a place to stay, and it'll get dark soon.”

“So what are we supposed to do? Take him to the hotel with us? We only have one bed” Wooyoung complains, but San can already see him racking his brain to find a solution that'll allow Jongho to be comfortable, because no matter how mad Wooyoung is, he's a good person over everything else.

“I know, maybe we can ask for extra blankets? I could sleep on the floor” San offers.

“And am I supposed to sleep with him? He's your soulmate, not mine” Wooyoung scoffs, “I'll take the floor.”

“No you won't, you'll get a terrible back pain” San argues quickly, “maybe we can ask the hotel if they have some futons? Or buy one.”

“I guess we can do that” Wooyoung sighs, his frown finally falls as San grabs his hand under the table and squishes it, running this thumb over the back of it.

“I'm sorry I'm creating trouble” Jongho says (San feels guilty, they've been talking about him as if he wasn't present), he's drank half his glass of water and he's almost done with the sandwich, San feels inexplicably proud, “it's not my intention at all, you can leave me to be on my own.”

“No, I couldn't” San shakes his head, “technically speaking this is my fault, you're more or less my responsibility now, if something happened to you I wouldn't forgive myself.”

Wooyoung squishes his hand under the table way too roughly as Jongho blushes.

≈

It's only when they're back in the hotel room, futon with blankets and a pillow set over the floor for Jongho —and no, mind you, they did not actually offer that in the hotel, but once San explained their… peculiar situation, they decided to help— while he is on the shower that Wooyoung cracks.

He's sitting on the bed looking out the window when he starts crying, thick tears running silently down his face. San is beside him the next second, arms wrapped around his body and pulling him in for a hug. Wooyoung collides against him like he needs the support to stay afloat, burying his face in San's neck and making himself small while he soundlessly lets his sadness seep through his eyes.

“I'm sorry” San whispers, “I love you so much, I'm so sorry.”

A pained wail escapes Wooyoung, and he hugs San tighter.

“It's not your fault, I was the one who wanted to go there, you didn't even want to leave the hotel today” he says, his voice is so small and pained, so quiet compared to how loud Wooyoung naturally is, that it makes San's heart clench painfully.

“It's not your fault either” San reassures, moving his hand through Wooyoung's hair, “it's not like you knew this would happen, I myself can hardly believe he's an actual person.”

“And he's so beautiful” Wooyoung says, in a tone that sounds like a joke, but San knows him better than that, hears it like what it is, “do you like him like that?”

“You are beautiful” San says instead, because he can't lie, he can't tell Wooyoung he finds Jongho unattractive, can't lie and say his eyes don't drift to the other's lips without his consent, he can't do that to Wooyoung.

Soon enough Jongho is out of the shower, he's wearing San's clothes, the shirt a bit too small for his broad shoulders, but the pants look just fine. He stares at them for a second too long, like taking in the image of San holding Wooyoung so close, before averting his eyes to the floor and making his way to the futon.

“Are you hungry?” Wooyoung asks Jongho, to San's surprise.

Jongho doesn't answer, but the tips of his ears are red. San suppresses a smile and the sudden instinct of surging forwards to hug him in favor of repeating what Wooyoung said. Jongho nods then, the slightest movement of his head that'd be easy to miss if one wasn't paying close attention.

They ask dinner from room service and eat quietly at the small table at the side of the room, there are only two chairs, so San uses his suitcase to sit over in order to let Jongho take the one chair he'd usually sit on.

It's all so quiet, too quiet, he doesn't remember being in a room so quiet in the presence of Wooyoung since the tension around then broke when they found out their pinning was mutual. But now the tension is back, although on a different form 

“Goodnight” Wooyoung whispers next to his ear later on when they're laying on bed, leaving a small peck there.

“Goodnight” San returns, turning around to steal a short kiss at the younger's lips. He turns back to his side to turn the lamp off, and sees Jongho's dark hair sticking out from under the blanket he's barely covered his full body with, he can tell the other’s giving his back to the bed.

“Goodnight, Jongho” he says before turning their last source of light off, but he gets no reply.

≈

They're buying clothes for Jongho today, but it's only the two of them, because Wooyoung doesn't want to leave the hotel room. He assures them both that the amount of stares Jongho gets is overwhelming, and that he doesn't want to have to deal with them.

It's bullshit, San knows that much, Wooyoung is a loud idiot and he's never been one to care about people staring, but he doesn't push it, knowing his boyfriend well enough that he can tell the signs of when Wooyoung needs alone time.

“Do you like this?” San asks, showing Jongho a shirt that's not that ugly and not that expensive.

Jongho looks at it and then at San, then back at the shirt, and nods.

“You can tell me if you don't like it okay?” San sighs, “or like, what you'd like, you could just… speak a little for God's sake.”

“I'm sorry, I like it” Jongho says, he's expressionless, looking at a point past San's head.

San sighs again, heading to the cashier with the few shirts and pants they had gotten as Jongho trails behind him like a lost child.

“Are you hungry? Do you want to eat something?” San asks once they're out of the store.

“Yes” Jongho says curtly.

“I get it, you're not a talker” San mutters under his breath, making his way to the nearest food place.

Once they get their orders they sit at a table to eat, Jongho seems to be enjoying his burger way too much, but hey, everybody loves burgers, even men who once were statues.

It’s a few minutes into eating, while San is fooling around on his phone after sending Wooyoung a message to remind him to eat lunch, that a hand settles over his own.

Jongho looks embarrassed, his full and round cheeks dusted with the cutest and faintest pink, and he's looking at their hands instead of at San himself.

He should push his hand away, tell him not to do that, but he feels guilty. San feels heavy with emotions, because he feels a pull towards Jongho although he's in love with Wooyoung, and he knows Jongho feels it too, with the way he's been acting on impulse since he became an actual man, and it only makes San feel way too guilty to push him away.

So instead he wraps his hand around Jongho's, palms pressed together and fingers intertwined.

Jongho's large eyes double their size as he looks up to stare at him, but San only gives his hand a squish and flashes him a smile before looking back down at his phone, trying desperately to push away the feeling of how right Jongho's hand feels on his.

When they're trying to fall asleep later at the hotel, Jongho turns around to face the bed and pulls his hand out from under the blanket, San understands immediately and reaches his own hand out, intertwining their fingers again, and he falls asleep like that, one hand holding Wooyoung's hand over his hip and the other holding Jongho's own.

≈

What are they really gonna do with this whole situation is a complete mystery to them, all of them. They only have two more days before they need to go back to their house, and two days after that until their break is over and they need to start college and work all over again, a thing that wouldn't be a problem at all of it wasn't because they have an extra person now, and they can’t just leave him alone.

The tension Wooyoung holds over his shoulders doesn't dissipate, if anything it becomes bigger every day. San hates how he can see his shoulders grow steadily stiffer whenever he looks at Jongho and the hopeful puppy eyes he shoots at San all the time, it breaks his heart to know it's somehow his fault.

Jongho's hopeful puppy eyes also break his heart, he's so, so cute, and he has literally no one but San (and Wooyoung, maybe), but there's nothing he can quite do when his heart already belongs to someone else.

It feels like being trapped in a maze, but one that doesn't really have a way out that does not imply hurting others.

Realistically, San's been in a relationship with Wooyoung all four years they've been in college, about to hit their fifth once they graduate after this upcoming semester, and it'd be only logical that he felt more inclined to stay with his current partner, the one who knows him like the back of his own hand. But then again, what in this situation is realistic at all? Realistically, statues do not turn into actual people, realistically, soulmates aren't real, so fuck realistic shit honestly, San can't quite guess who he wants to stay with.

He looks at Wooyoung's eyes and sees all of their moments together, feels his heart swell with love, his arms feel like home, his voice is like the most soothing sound San knows.

But then he looks at Jongho and it's all a mess of overwhelming feelings, his chest tightens and he feels like stepping forwards into his personal space, feels like being with him just holding each other for hours. He looks at Jongho and he can't help but wonder how his lips would feel against his own. Which is definitely not fine, considering he's with Wooyoung, damn it.

Wooyoung and San are certainly not the only ones affected, though.

San can see it in Jongho's eyes whenever they make eye contact and he looks away, can see the way his expression shifts whenever he finds the couple too close, and it hits him that he hasn't really sat to talk to him about how he feels.

San must be the most selfish person alive.

All along since Jongho turned into a person, he's been worried about how Wooyoung feels about it, and how he himself feels about it, how they'll arrange this whole situation once they’re back home, but it's not until he catches Jongho sitting on his futon before going to sleep, looking at his lap with sad eyes that he thinks about how he must feel. He wasn't even a person a few days ago, he was brought to life because of San's touch, so he must feel very conflicted and confused. 

God, San feels terrible.

“Wooyoung” he whispers the next morning, catching the other by the arm on his way to the door, “I think I need to talk to him about this... alone.”

Wooyoung doesn’t look pleased, of course he doesn’t, but he only shrugs as he announces he’ll take breakfast in the hotel’s restaurant. 

Confrontation has always been San’s strength, but he’s not half as good with starting it as he is with keeping it going, so it takes him a few minutes to firmly make his way to where Jongho is laying down on his futon. He's awake, woke up around ten minutes ago, but simply lied back down after a quick visit to the bathroom. San stands by Jongho's feet for a second, unsure, and then clears his throat to call the other's attention.

“Jongho? Can we talk?” San asks, as softly as he can, and watches with an unbidden fondness as Jongho lifts his head off the pillow, he still looks pretty out of it, his dark hair messy from sleep and his eyes slightly unfocused, he's so cute San feels like he could collapse any second, or just put him in his pocket.

“Hm? Hm” is Jongho’s response, going for a questioning and affirmative hum respectively to communicate with the other instead of actual words. He sits up then, legs crossed in front of him and hands folded on his lap.

San gives one, two steps, and sits in front of Jongho with his legs crossed as well. They face each other for a few silent moments, San can already feel how tense the air around them is starting to get, can already sense Jongho's nervousness.

“I'm sorry” he starts, reaching out to hold Jongho's hand, even though he shouldn’t, “since you… since we met, I haven't really tried to approach you like this and talk to you. I'm so sorry, Jongho. You can tell me how you feel, okay? You can tell me whatever upsets you.” 

If San didn’t feel like an awful person before, after Jongho looks at him with his mouth hanging open and starts crying, he definitely does. He feels so sorry as he watches Jongho covering his eyes that it’s almost overwhelming, and he can’t help but pull at the other’s arm until he not only stops pressing his hand over his eye, but until he falls to the front and into San’s chest.

“I’m sorry, Jongho, I’m so sorry” he says, feeling his heart clench as Jongho cries harder after San circles his arms around him.

Jongho doesn’t hug him back, but he doesn’t pull away either, he just stays there, their awkward position allowing him to bury his face in San’s chest as he cries to his heart’s content.

“I’m sorry I’m such a bother” Jongho whispers, voice broken, “I’m only getting in the way. I wish I could stop getting in the way.”

It’s the most he’s ever said, the longest sentence he’s ever pushed pass his lips, and it’s to express how bad he feels with himself, how he feels like a burden. San tightens his arms around him, suppresses the need to kiss all over his face if just to make him feel a little better.

“Jongho you’re not a bother” he starts softly, but the other cuts him off.

“But I am” he says, voice still slightly shaking and face still buried in San’s chest, “I’ve seen how Wooyoung looks at me, I know I am.”

San tries to push him away gently to look at him, but Jongho locks his arms around him. He’s strong, as if he was still made out of solid stone.

“Jongho…” San says sadly, rubbing the other’s back up and down, he can’t deny that Wooyoung does look at Jongho either like he’s extremely sad or extremely mad, “none of this is your fault, we’ll work it out.”

Several moments of silence pass before Jongho speaks again, his voice muffled from where he has repositioned himself against San’s shoulder. 

“I just- I… I don’t know” he mumbles, San can feel his hands turn into fists at his back, tugging at his thin sleeping shirt, “One moment there was nothing and then we just- I just… there was you. You were there, and you feel… I don’t know, I don’t know what is called. I just know it feels right.”

That much San understands, he doesn’t know what’s it called either, but he does know it feels right. 

“Can’t you remember anything from before what happened in the plaza?” San asks, starting to move his hand through Jongho’s hair.

“There’s a voice, like a really faint voice at the back of my head saying things I can’t understand” he answers after a while, shoulders tense as if fearing San would say he’s crazy –which is, honestly, just dumb considering their situation–, “but that’s all.”

“It’s okay” San reassures, his hand still moving through Jongho’s hair, “promise you will talk to me? If you feel sad or something bothers you, you need to tell me, okay?”

Jongho doesn’t give any verbal response, but he nods and pulls San even closer, so he counts it as a win.

≈

They’re finally back home –San and Wooyoung’s home, hopefully Jongho’s too, soon.

It wasn’t easy at all, Jongho wasn’t even a person a while ago, so he of course doesn’t have any kind of ID, much less a passport, and it took them hours of talking to the authorities and scaring away media –which had been chasing after them for a while, unable to find them until that moment– until they were allowed to leave and go back to South Korea. 

San eyes the backpack Jongho sets down on the entryway, inside there’s a small document that gives him the identity of “Choi Jongho”.

“He needs a last name” the officer said, looking at the 3 of them, “I get we can’t… uh, give him an accurate birth date, but he needs at least a last name.”

San eyed Jongho, who was looking at the officer, confused for a minute, then turned his eyes to San, as if asking what to do.

“Excuse me, sir, can you tell me your last name?” an old woman asked, tugging at San’s sleeve to gain his attention.

“Uh, me?” he asked back, dumbfounded.

“Technically speaking, in case he was a minor which we know he isn’t, you’d be responsible for him legally, right?” she explained, “so I think he should take your last name as well.”

“He will stay in the guests room, right?” Wooyoung asks, causing San to snap out of his daydream.

“Uh, yes, come on Jongho let me show you your room” San says, grabbing the backpack –San’s backpack, originally– in which they stuffed the little amount of clothes Jongho owns.

He walks the other down the narrow corridor of their little apartment and opens the last door at the right.

“This will be your room” he explains, softly placing the backpack over the bed and grabbing Jongho by the shoulders, directing him to sit besides it, “The bathroom is the door right next to this one, and my room is the other door across the hall, you can knock when you need anything, okay?”

Jongho nods, and for a moment it looks like he’ll say something else, but he apparently decides against it because silence falls between them.

San sighs, moving to close the door and sitting beside Jongho right after, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers.

“Remember what I told you? About telling me when something’s bothering you?” San asks softly, squishing the other’s hand, “you can talk to me, Jongho.”

Jongho lies his head over his shoulder, but says nothing. San waits patiently, gives him time.

“It’s nothing, I’m sorry” Jongho whispers, “it’s a new place, I just need to get used to it.”

“Is that really it?” San asks, Jongho only nods. 

He’s not convinced, but he doesn’t want to push it, he doesn’t want to make Jongho feel like he’s forced to do anything, so he only kisses his forehead –out of pure instinct, unexpected even for himself– and tells Jongho he’ll get them something to eat. As he’s making his way out of the room, he ignores the surprised look in Jongho’s face, and the fast beating of his own heart.

≈

It’s been two weeks since their new living accommodations began, and it is probably safe to say it’s not… the worst it could be. Though it is hardly the best.

San and Wooyoung are busy most of the time during weekdays, college during the morning, then work in the afternoon all the way until late evening or deep into the night, depending on their shifts and the availability of workers each day.

Throughout the whole time, Jongho remains alone at home.

It hurts San’s heart more than he can describe when, even after a particularly long shift at the 24 hours convenience store he works on, he gets home to Jongho sitting on the couch, either awake and waiting for him or having fallen asleep in the process of doing so.

He always wakes up as soon as the door clicks closed, not matter how quiet San tries to be, and he always gets up and walks to the kitchen, quietly starting to heat up San’s dinner for him.

On slightly less delicate and fragile days, when San’s shift ends at a reasonable time, he gets home to Wooyoung sitting on the kitchen eating his own food while Jongho is nowhere to be found, –he usually hides in his room when Wooyoung is around, San has this suspicion that he might actually be scared of the smaller man, and it’s equal parts adorable and sad. They chat until it’s time to go to sleep, and San makes sure to always drop by Jongho’s room and exchange at least a few words with him before saying goodnight.

Jongho and San are friends now, it’s nice, they can talk casually and Jongho starts to open up more. To laugh more, to smile more. Though he doesn’t try to do the same things he used to, he stops himself from trying to get into San’s personal space, he doesn’t allow himself to reach out to hold San’s hand anymore. They’re friends.

Wooyoung doesn’t love it, doesn’t love Jongho living with them, but he doesn’t comment on it, even though the look in his eyes whenever they’re all together is usually enough of a comment.

Tonight, though, San is determinate to make him talk about it, because there’s only so much a person can hold inside, and Wooyoung doesn’t need to hold it in, he can let it out to San, and he knows, but sometimes he needs some prompting, and the older is more than willing to offer it.

“Wooyoungie” he whispers, it’s not too late, it probably isn’t even midnight yet, but they’re already in bed and ready to sleep, “You know that you can talk to me when something bothers you, right?”

Wooyoung says nothing, he doesn’t even move from where he is lying against the mattress, his back facing San as they’re spooning.

“Wooyoungie” San tries again, placing a single soft kiss at the back of Wooyoung’s neck, “talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say?” Wooyoung argues softly, his voice is quiet enough that San probably wouldn’t hear it if he wasn’t so close, but he still sounds very upset, “what am I supposed to say in a situation like this?”

“Just what you feel” San whispers back, rubbing his hand up and down Wooyoung’s belly, “Just let it out so it won’t eat at you.”

“This is stupid, San” Wooyoung states, his voice is weak and San fears he’ll cry, “Let’s just sleep, okay? I don’t wanna talk about anything right now.”

“You’ll have to let it out at some point” San insists gently, “I just don’t want you to have this over your shoulders all alone, you can share the weight, you know?”

“San” Wooyoung snaps, voice not loud enough that it could be heard outside their room but definitely louder than before, harsher, “I said I don’t wanna talk about it, stop being pushy.”

When Wooyoung pushes his arms away from him, untangling himself from where San was draped around him, it hurts somewhere deep in the elder’s chest. Wooyoung had never pushed him away, not even during their most heated fights, he had never rejected San’s physical affection, not even once.

“I’m sorry” San says immediately, voice even more quiet than before, “I just wanted to help.”

“Yeah but you’re not helping” Wooyoung continues to use that hard tone, his back still turned at San, “You’re not helping at all! All I ask is for you to just go to sleep, why do you keep bringing that up? Of course I’m upset, there’s someone who’s living under the same roof as us that’s supposed to be the one you love!”

“I love you” San cuts in, wrapping his arms around himself to avoid touching Wooyoung, afraid to be pushed away once again, “I don’t care about what it’s supposed to be, you’ve been my boyfriend for too long, Wooyoung I’m in love with you, my feelings can’t be erased that easily, you’re the only love I’ve ever had, the only person I’ve ever been with.”

San doesn’t know what it is, what specific part of his little speech hits Wooyoung the wrong way, but next thing he knows Wooyoung is turning around and looking at him with wild mad eyes, it’s an expression San hasn’t seen many times, but he knows he said something he wasn’t supposed to.

For the second time of the night Wooyoung pushes him away, harder this time, not hard enough that he falls off bed, though barely.

“You’re such an asshole” Wooyoung whispers, his voice breaking as tears start streaming down his face. San is dumbfounded, to say the least.

“Woo, baby, what’s wrong? What is it?” He says, desperate, almost crying himself when he tries to cup Wooyoung’s cheek with his hand just for the younger to swat it away aggressively. 

“Get the fuck out!” Wooyoung says, loud enough that it probably wakes Jongho up, “Get the hell out of here.”

Wooyoung pushes him until he gets out of bed, and then, without even standing up from where he's lying, throws his pillow at him and turns around so San can’t see his face, his shoulders moving up and down softly as he cries.

San is lost and devastated, he doesn’t understand it, doesn’t know what he did wrong, but he must’ve fucked up real bad for Wooyoung to make him leave the room. He wants to stay, wants to force the other to let him hug him, wants to talk until this is solved, but Wooyoung refuses to acknowledge him, so San makes his way to the couch, where he lies down and cries himself to sleep. 

≈

Mingi, San’s friend and co-workers, is laughing his ass off and squishing Jongho’s cheeks as the smaller shows him how blue his tongue looks after two blueberry smoothies. 

Jongho’s really too cute to be resisted, San finds out as he introduces him to his group of friends. He has been worried about the amount of time Jongho spends on his own, so he introduced him to his relatively small group of close friends so he can hang around them when San is being consumed by work and assignments –and it’s not like his friends are never consumed by either of those, but at least Seonghwa and Hongjoong already graduated, so they don’t have to worry about assignments, and Yeosang still lives with his parents, so he has more free time than the rest, and they’re all kind enough to spend time with Jongho when they can. They do ask questions about him, and San has to be sincere, even if it takes a while to explain it all and get them to believe it.

"Jongho, you're so cute" Mingi coos, to which the smaller makes a face, though it's mainly still cute so Mingi just keeps on cooing.

"Leave him alone!" Seonghwa exclaims, not really mad but pretending to be, swatting Mingi's hands away. Jongho fake cries and clings to his arm, clearly just for the show.

San is delighted with the way Jongho's been acting lately, he's been more confident, less awkward, beginning to take in social cues and using them. He seems more like someone their age —well, San's age, because only God knows how old Jongho truly is.

"Hey you" San calls, throwing a straw wrapper at Jongho from across the table, almost getting a heart attack when the other smiles at him big enough that his cheeks fill up, "I'm getting a coffee, do you want anything? A brownie?"

Jongho, ever the sweets lover, nods enthusiastically and smiles even bigger at San —he has to stop doing that, he's gonna kill someone one day— who just stands up and heads to the counter.

These past couple of days have been a rollercoaster, it really feels like San can't win without losing something else.

Lately he barely talks to Wooyoung, even when he means to do so, he either gets avoided or (when they're laying in bed and there's nowhere to run to) completely ignored. He doesn't want to stop trying, but he's starting to feel like a nuisance with how much he's trying to push Wooyoung to just talk to him and tell him what he did wrong.

On the other hand, since Jongho started leaving the house more often, he's been getting better at talking, he shows his emotions more and expresses the way he feels openly to San, who's always encouraging of him.

San is happy that he and Jongho are getting along well, and that they get along better everyday, but he misses Wooyoung so much his entire existence hurts. Each time Wooyoung tells him not to wait for him because he's staying at his sister's apartment, a little part of San dies, only darkness and Wooyoung's pillow —tightly clenched between his arms as his eyes spill liquid sadness— there to be the witnesses of his misery.

"Sannie listen! There'll be one of those food degustation things next weekend!" Mingi announces loudly as he nears the table again, arms comfortably wrapped around Jongho as the smaller rests his head against his shoulder. San suppresses a smile, Jongho is such a big baby, "we have to go, all together, all 8 of us!"

San moves to leave two brownies and a bottle of water in front of Jongho before settling back on his previous spot.

A food degustation event sounds good, they always have fun (and eat lots of really good food) at those. Besides, Wooyoung would never miss one, so it sounds like a good thing to bound over again, a good try to fix whatever happened.

"I guess we can go" He shrugs, appearing nonchalant. To Jongho, he says, "I'm sure you'll have fun, we usually eat a lot of good things, it's a good chance for you to know a bit more about food, since you love it so much."

Jongho makes a long sound of indignation that gets cut off by a fit of uncontrollable giggle and big smiles. San's heart does a few flips, but he tries his best to ignore it.

≈

Wooyoung doesn't refuse to go to the degustation event, but he still does his best to ignore San, keeping a minimum distance of 6 meters or so between them. It hurts, San knows everyone can notice, but they're all polite enough not to comment… After so many years of being together, this is hardly their first fight, Wooyoung has also always been incredibly stubborn and has a hard time bending sometimes, so they've all learned how to act when around them in such a situation.

By the end of the first 2 hours they've split into groups, and San stays with Yeosang, Jongho and Hongjoong, as the others are nowhere to be found.

"It's not that bad" Yeosang promises, big and fake innocent eyes as he tries to convince Jongho to try some strong wine, "The smell is worse than the taste."

Jongho finally relents, and San stifles a laugh as he hesitantly takes a sip, only to pull away immediately and make the funniest disgusted face, his tongue sticking out and a displaced sound making its way from the deep bottom of his throat.

They all laugh hard, and San feels just slightly guilty as Jongho fake pouts at them, clearly not really mad. 

"You were the one curious though," Hongjoong defends, "you wanted to know, so there you have your answers."

"I just wanted to know why San hyung likes it so much" Jongho says, the honorific there and rolling easy off his tongue because 'even if I have existed for a longer time, you were alive first', and San can't help but smile, "now I'm even more confused."

San giggles, using all of his strength and willpower not to hug Jongho and run his hair through his silky black locks right there.

"You learn to like it with the time" he says, laughing some more when Jongho frowns at him deep. Oh, he needs to pee. "Guys I've drank too much wine, I'll go to the bathroom and be right back, okay?"

"Sure" Hongjoong answers, firmly wrapping his small hand around one of Jongho's arms, "we'll be at the pastries section over there, we'll show this big baby what good expensive chocolate tastes like."

"You and Seonghwa hyung should get married and adopt him, you’re always acting like his damn parents" Yeosang comments, as the turns to walk away.

"Maybe we will!" Hongjoong says, a bit too loud, he doesn't stutter but his embarrassment is clear with the way his ears turn red.

San shakes his head and makes his way to the bathroom, getting into one of the stalls as there's only one urinal —who the fuck made this bathroom with only one urinal?— and it's taken.

He hears the door open and close just as he's done, and he zips his pants back up, ready to make his way out when voices interrupt the quiet of the bathroom.

"Wooyoung, this is not okay" Seonghwa's voice says, he sounds stressed, he's probably scolding Wooyoung for ignoring San. 

"Come on, hyung" Wooyoung says, "Don't be like this."

"No, you don't be like this" Seonghwa answers back, he sounds particularly mad and San wonders if he could see how hurt he is, Seonghwa's always been of the protective kind, "Why are you even ignoring San? This is dumb, Wooyoung, can't you see how sad you're making him?"

"What about how sad I feel?" Wooyoung says, his voice doesn't waver, doesn't break, and it remains even, "Can you imagine how I feel knowing that there's someone living under the same roof as us that's basically better at loving my boyfriend than I am? Someone that San would love more than he'll ever love me?"

That's not true, San could never love anyone the same as he loves Wooyoung.

Seonghwa sighs, heavy and long.

"Listen, I know, I'm sorry" he starts, sounding perhaps a bit conflicted, "but it's not San's fault, he never planned this, never wanted anyone but you. And you know that."

"I've seen the way they look at each other" Wooyoung states, "I know he feels something, I just know."

San's about to come out and tell Wooyoung to quit being dumb, tell him that he's the only one he's ever loved and that he would never change him for anyone, but Seonghwa's voice stops him yet again.

"Even if he does, what you're proposing is still not the right thing to do." Seonghwa says firmly, a little mad.

"Come on," San can hear the way Wooyoung rolls his eyes, "it's not like we've never slept together before."

The world freezes, gets covered on a thick layer of ice that shakes violently and collapses, breaking and bringing down everything under it. Wooyoung and Seonghwa slept together? Wooyoung, his boyfriend for almost five years whom he'd give his life for? And Seonghwa, his second best friend after Yunho?

"Shut up!" Seonghwa snaps, voice resonating hard through the room and making San flinch, "that's different and you know, that time two years ago I didn't know you had a boyfriend!"

"You knew I had a boyfriend the time after that" Wooyoung hisses, San holds back the tears.

"I was drunk out of my mind, and you were as sober as one could be" Seonghwa hisses back, San gives one quiet step back to get away from all the venom their words are dripping with, "you were perfectly aware of what you were doing, I had no idea, and specially I had no idea of who your boyfriend was. San is my friend, now, one of my best friends, I won't do this to him."

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him" Wooyoung says calmly, San has to swallow a sob at how even and calm his voice sounds, like cheating on San means nothing, like breaking his heart isn't a big deal, "we've done this before and he never found out."

"The answer still is and will always be no, Wooyoung, I won't sleep with you" Seonghwa grunts, "and let me kindly request that you don't offer this to anyone else. If you want to fool around with other people, at least break up with San first, have some motherfucking respect."

San can hear it when Seonghwa storms out of the bathroom, but he waits patiently until Wooyoung leaves too so he can make his way out as well, making his way to the sink and collapsing against it, forehead pressed against the marble as tears stream uncontrollably down his face.

He doesn't know how long he stays there, loses count of how many times he washes his face trying to calm down, and failing each time, he doesn't even hear the door of the bathroom open.

"San? San, what's wrong?" Yunho's voice asks, a big hand finding its way to his shoulder.

San buries his face into his hands and sobs harder. Everything is wrong, absolute everything is fucking wrong. He's got a boyfriend who cheated on him two years ago and never said a damn thing nor showed some fucking remorse, an important essay due the day after tomorrow which he hasn't even started, and a soulmate he's still trying to get along with as their situation has always been awkward. Not a single thing is not wrong.

"San come on, what's wrong?" Yunho asks again, but his only answer is to fall against the body besides him and hold onto it for dear life, tears never stopping.

Something in the back of San's head tells him "this person is too short to be Yunho", but San can't bring himself to give a fuck about who he's actually hugging, just hides his face in the crook of the person's neck and sobs, desperately needing some kind of physical contact.

Hands fly to his back, not pushing him away but holding him close, one of them setting on his lower back while the other rubs up and down between his shoulder blades soothingly. San sobs harder.

"I think you should take him home" Yunho says softly, it occurs to San then that maybe he's hugging Wooyoung.

"I will" Jongho answers quietly, his voice washing over San like a delicate wave of relief.

"Should I call Wooyoung?" Yunho asks then.

"No!" San wails against Jongho's neck, not too loud but definitely very pained, "don't tell Wooyoung about this, I don't wanna see him."

"Did something happen with Wooyoung, San?" Yunho asks, he sounds concerned and maybe slightly pissed, "is this because of him?"

"I want to go home" San says, not willing to talk about it just yet, too overwhelmed with emotions that feel too strong for him to handle.

"I will take you home" Jongho whispers softly, hand not even a bit hesitant as he runs it through San's hair, "I will take you home so you can rest, okay? Maybe talk about it if you want, you always tell me to talk about how I feel."

Yunho makes a sound, that distresses sound he always makes when he's worried.

"I'll give you guys a ride there, come on."

The way to the apartment is quiet, and San spends all of it curled next to Jongho in the backseat, only separating long enough to go upstairs, and falling into the same position on the couch once the door is closed behind them.

In the quiet and calm of the safeness that his home represents, San allows himself to crumble completely, he comes crashing down like a figure made of sand attacked by a strong wave, falling in little and probably unfixable pieces into Jongho's arms as the later just holds him close, keeps him grounded.

He doesn't know how he'll be able to face Wooyoung, he doesn't think he'll ever be able to look at him in the eyes again.

Confrontation is San's specialty, but suddenly it feels like he'll never be able to do it.

Jongho doesn't push him to talk about it,  doesn't urge him to speak, he does nothing but remain besides him and offer silent support. San is so thankful he doubts he'll ever be able to put it into words.

Granted, San knew he'd have to eventually face Wooyoung, sooner than later given that they live under the same roof, and sleep on the same bed, but he doesn't expect Wooyoung to be back home early today, which is why the door opening suddenly after an hour or two since they got home startles him.

"San?" Wooyoung asks, he has the nerve to sound worried, and he kicks his shoes away from his feet as fast as he can to stumble his way to where San is, wrapped around Jongho on the couch. Jongho doesn't let him, though, placing an arm protectively around his body and stretching the other one out, keeping Wooyoung at a reasonable distance.

It takes not only Wooyoung but San aback, both of them turning their eyes away from each other and to him, surprised.

"San, what happened?" Wooyoung asks from where he is, slightly pushing against Jongho's arm to get him to put it down. He doesn't.

San tries to say something, anything, but a broken sob is the only thing that makes its way out of his mouth. Jongho's hand becomes firmer where it's pressed against his waist.

"Why don't you ask Seonghwa what happened?" San says after a while, he doesn't look at Wooyoung's reaction, he can't look at him, but he can imagine his shocked expression, the color leaving his face.

"Hyung, do you want me to leave?" Jongho leans in to whisper against his ear. 

San considers it, he doesn't want to lose the arm around him, it feels like the only thing stopping him from floating out into the space and disintegrating until there's nothing left of him, but also, he doesn't want Jongho to listen all the things they have to say, all the sensitive topics San knows will come afloat with this.

He nods, offering Jongho's hand over his waist a squish, the raven haired returns it before he stands up and heads for the front door.

"I'll go to the convenience store or something" he says, catching San's wallet when the boy throws it at him, and leaving quietly.

When the door closes behind Jongho, the apartment gets filled up with a tense atmosphere, San thinks he can almost smell the dread coming off Wooyoung, but he doesn't bother looking up from his lap to examine his face.

"San" Wooyoung whispers, and had it not been for the quietness in the apartment, San would've probably missed the sound of his voice. When the older says nothing, he falls to his knees in front of him, hands resting on San's own knees, "San, look at me."

San snorts humorlessly.

"How do you expect me to look at you? I can't, Wooyoung, I can't look at you, I doubt I'll ever be able to look at you again" San snaps, anger flowing through his blood like liquid lava to replace the overwhelming sadness he'd felt before.

"San, did Seonghwa hyung tell you? What did he say?" Wooyoung asks, his voice sounds small and desperate, his hands moving in circles over the older's knees.

San slaps Wooyoung's hands away from him, hard, and it comes as a surprise for both of them. San had never, never rejected physical touch from Wooyoung, and up until today, he never thought he would.

"He didn't tell me anything" comes San's voice, so aggressive he can't believe it's his, "I heard you in the bathroom, I was there, Wooyoung you… you really did that, and you'd do it again, you really don't care."

There's a pause of silence, and Wooyoung tries to place his hands on San's shoulders, but they get pushed away just like before. He doesn't offer to explain, probably because he knows there's nothing left to explain.

"Two years ago Wooyoung, two years… I can't believe you kept a relationship with me for two more years after you cheated on me, what the fuck is wrong with you? You didn't even tell me." San cries out, heartbroken and pained, "I thought you were the one, I thought you were better than this, but you aren't."

"Don't talk about me being the one when you know Jongho is here for a reason" Wooyoung quietly says, San looks up at him with fierce eyes.

"Don't even bring him up now, he wasn't here two years ago, was he?" San has to use all of his willpower to stop himself from pushing Wooyoung away, "how could you do this to me? I was always there for you, if you wanted a break you could've told me."

"I didn't want a break, I've never wanted a break" Wooyoung says quietly, lowering his gaze, now being the one unable to keep eye contact, "I just… we had a fight around the time Seonghwa and I first… slept together, the life plan fight."

San's heart breaks at hearing Wooyoung say it again, and he has to take a deep breathe as more pieces of his heart fall to the floor. He remembers that fight, remembers the screams, remembers the tears, remembers Wooyoung disappearing for two days and telling him not to look for him.

At that time, it was peace before the storm, San was sure what he wanted to do with his life after he graduated, he wanted to find a good job, work and settle down, wanted to assure his economic stability before doing anything else. Wooyoung wanted to take a sabbatical, maybe travel around the world. The subject had came up on a rainy Sunday morning when they were eating breakfast, their small talk that had nothing to do with that somehow sparked a flame, a fight their neighbors didn't even dare to complain about, and Wooyoung was out the door sometime around the afternoon, only coming back two days later.

He had assured San he was staying at Yeosang's place, but had begged him not to let San know —which, turned out to be true, according to Yeosang.

They talked it out and solved their problems, they agreed to let time decide, to see how it all went, their different plans didn't have to be the end of what they had, too strong to let them come in between their hearts.

Now this is coming in between them, and San is more than just certain it is stronger than what they have, harder than what he can take.

"I thought we wouldn't make it, I was…" Wooyoung loses his voice, so he clears his throat before starting again, "I don't know, I was feeling bad and confused, I was so lonely thinking we wouldn’t be able to make it out of that problem and just... did it, because I'm stupid like that, I'm so sorry."

"You're not" San shakes his head, hugging a decorative cushion to his chest and grunting when it doesn't offer him half the reassurance that hugging Jongho did, "if you were, you wouldn't have done it again, and you wouldn't have asked Seonghwa hyung to do it now. We're friends, Wooyoung, you know he's one of my best friends, how could you?"

"San I'm sorry, I really am!" Wooyoung tugs at his arm, voice rising in pitch, "I'm just… second time I couldn't get the fight out of my head, I know we talked and said it was solved but I couldn't help but keep on thinking we were hopeless, which was stupid and selfish and gross, I really regret it."

"Stop saying you feel sorry" San snaps, this time actually pushing Wooyoung so he falls on his butt, "you literally asked Seonghwa hyung to sleep with you again just this afternoon, you aren't sorry at all, you don't give a fuck!"

"Listen to me, San! What am I supposed to do when I feel like an intruder in my own house? In my own relationship!" Wooyoung snaps back at him, the volume of his voice rising with each word.

"Talk to me, Wooyoung, you're supposed to talk to me! That's how relationships work, I can't read your mind and you can't read mine, we're supposed to talk,  to communicate. After 4 years of a relationship I'd expect you to know this much!" San throws his arms around, frustrated, his voice rising to match Wooyoung's own.

"I'm…!" Wooyoung stops, sees the look San is giving him and decides not to finish the sentence, 'sorry' hanging between them, unsaid. "You know I can be stupid, this just… I couldn't stop myself from saying it, but I didn't mean it, I wouldn't really do it, there's been quite a few nights in which my conscience wouldn't let me sleep and I've learned my lesson."

"Wouldn't you really? Are you trying to tell me that if Seonghwa hyung had actually said yes then you would've backed up?" San asks, incredulous, "don't keep on lying to me Wooyoung, specially if you'll just say obvious lies."

"San" Wooyoung starts, he stands from where he's sitting on the floor and positions himself on the couch, leaving a reasonable amount of space between them, "I'm not lying to you, I swear I wouldn't have done it."

Lies, lies and more lies.

"If it was after the life plan fight, the first time you… yeah, then it means I didn't know Seonghwa hyung yet" San changes the subject, refusing to keep fighting Wooyoung over a lie only to keep getting the same false answer, "I introduced you to him, what? around two months after? Maybe three."

"Yeah, three."

"You knew the whole time, you both pretended not to know each other, you both lied to me" San reflects, fresh tears blooming in his eyes like flowers of sadness.

It all made sense now, why Wooyoung had always refused to meet Seonghwa, why they seemed uncomfortable around each other during the time they had just met.

It had been during a party San had dragged Wooyoung to, it wasn't his plan to get them to meet there, it just happened. They had been talking in the kitchen when Seonghwa walked in, and San jumped at the opportunity of his new friend —whom he had met through the computing club and had gotten really comfortable around really quickly— and his beloved boyfriend finally meeting.

They had seemed uncomfortable, but San assumed it was just because Seonghwa wasn't really a people person (such a self proclaimed oddball) and Wooyoung let himself be led too much by other's moods. Their personalities, too, were inherently different, and to San it was only logic that they didn't really get along all that well.

Now he knows the full story, sees all the perspectives, and feels like an idiot.

"The second time you... were… with him" there's a pause, the statement is difficult to push out, and he needs to regain strength before continuing, "did we already know each other?"

Wooyoung remains silent for a while, he must be holding his breath, because San can't hear even that.

"Yes" he whispers, "but I didn't know."

"Didn't you really?" San whispers back, they've gone from loud and sharp to fragile and delicate words, he knows they're on thin ice.

"I didn't, I mean it" Wooyoung says, he's bold enough to try to hold San's hand, but he doesn't succeed, "Seonghwa told me later, that he knew you. He was mad, very."

"Yet he didn't say anything either, ever."

"I asked him, no, begged him not to" Wooyoung admits, looking at his lap, "I didn't want to fuck this all up, we worked so hard to build it."

"You fucked it all up the first time to slept with him" San says, the words like knives falling all over his own self.

"I know, and I'm really, really sorry. Even if you don't want to believe me, I really am." He sounds defeated, San doesn't care.

"Whatever, it's over" he affirms, standing up, "we're over."

"What?" Wooyoung stands abruptly, almost falling face first over the coffee table, "San wait, let's… let's talk a little more, let's just-"

"What's there to talk? You're gonna keep saying you're sorry and I'm gonna keep thinking you're lying. Even if you weren't, you were so close to sleep with him again just today, and what for? For a fight I don't even know what caused!" San exclaims, he's not screaming, but his words are loud, "I can't continue this, you don't talk to me, and I can't trust you anymore, I'm just going to fear you run to someone else every time we have a problem."

Wooyoung says nothing, just stands there looking completely panicked, his face drained from any color.

"Can I ask why were you even mad at me before all of this? What did I do to make you so mad you ignored me for two weeks straight?" He sighs, already tired of this, he just needs a nap.

"I… you said I'm the only… and I felt-" he stutters, San lets out a disbelieving laugh. 

Of course it was that.

You’re the only love I’ve ever had, the only person I’ve ever been with.

Wooyoung felt threatened, because he knew he couldn't say the same, not after what he did, not after all his lies.

"You're fucking unbelievable" San says, suddenly laughing hysterically, he's going crazy. "You fucked up but made me feel like the bad guy, this is really" more laughs, "this is fucking ridiculous."

"I'm sorry, San…"

"Stop it, would you?" San shakes his head, trying to stop the crazy fits of giggles that attack him, "just go grab your things and leave, I need to sleep, I need a break from this madness.”

Wooyoung stands there for a moment, and San fears he'll fight, fears there'll be more screams and tears and emotions he's not quite sure he can take. 

There aren't, Wooyoung just lowers his head and walks quickly to their room. San listens as things are moved around, and then Wooyoung is coming out of the room with the same suitcases he used for their latest trip.

"I'm really sorry it has all come to this, San, it's my fault, I really fucked up" he says, when the other doesn't answer, he adds, "I'll text you to let you know when I can come back for the rest of my things."

And those are last words they share before Wooyoung walks out the door.

≈

San and Seonghwa aren’t friends anymore. 

They had a long talk, and the younger is able to understand the situation: Seonghwa didn’t know. The first time he slept with Wooyoung, he wasn’t aware the other was in a relationship that wasn’t open at all. The second time he was too drunk, and he could barely remember anything. That much San can get, and had the circumstances been different, he might even have forgiven him, because he never meant to hurt anyone.

Except he never told San about what happened, effectively getting his feelings double as hurt than how they would’ve gotten had he said anything, and that San can’t forgive. He doesn’t hate the older, but he does avoid him like the plague.

Their group of friends, too, becomes smaller, and Hongjoong soon becomes the only bridge between them and the two excluded members —much to his dismay. Wooyoung, having nowhere to stay, has to stay at Hongjoong’s apartment since he has a spare room, and the small redhead shares most classes with Seonghwa, so there’s no way to save him, honestly, even if he is mad at both of them.

San also goes through some ugly stages thanks to their breakup.

First of all, he doesn’t leave the house in about a week, he doesn’t care about school and he explains his situation to his boss who —having been through a similar situation that got her to divorce— gives him not one but two free weeks for him to cry and be down in the dumps, because she understands that he can’t really manage to leave bed and pretend he doesn’t feel like fading away. 

Jongho stays through it all with him. Orders food because he doesn’t know how to cook, reminds San to take showers, cuddles with him and holds him while he cries when needed, but never, never, leaves San alone.

Second, San cries in public.

It doesn’t happen often, and it only takes him a week to get it together, but he does need to take a bathroom break during Literature I in monday morning, because a guy sitting two rows below him has a hair that resembles Wooyoung’s way too much. He thinks it’s only because he spent the whole past week locked into the apartment, and that he’ll be fine, but he quickly finds that one too many things remind him of Wooyoung, and has to constantly hold back his tears.

Luckily enough, there’s always Jongho to come home to, a willing shoulder over which he could cry if he felt like it, and it was the one thing he was the most grateful for during this whole nightmare.

Third, San feel numb.

Two weeks and it’s like he’s cried everything he’s had to cry. He’s still hurting, but his eyes don’t water anyone, and somehow it’s worse than when he felt like crying over every little thing, it’s a lot more unbearable, because he can’t let it out in any way, he’s just tired to his bones.

His boss gives him an understanding look as soon as he walks through the door, and sends him to the storage room so he won’t have to deal with the people going in and out the convenience store, faking smiles for them to be content. 

It affects his sleep too, the fact that he can’t cry himself to sleep anymore bringing the insomnia that usually comes with sleeping alone after sharing a bed for so long. For that, too, he has jongho, and he moves into the other room, pushing the raven haired so he’ll make space and getting into the bed without saying a word. It’s not the same as sleeping with Wooyoung, but it’s comforting nonetheless, and it’s definitely better than sleeping alone.

Numbness lasts for a while, but it gradually gets better.

San doesn’t feel angry, and he’s definitely not interested in bargaining with Wooyoung, who had cared so little and stepped over his heart in more ways that San can name. 

He just needs time, and it’ll get better.

He can feel it in the way it’s easier to fall asleep as time passes, some nights he doesn’t even need to get in Jongho’s bed to do so —though he still does, sometimes, because Jongho is warm and comfy to sleep with.

He’s moving on.

It’s a slow process, and he finds that he’s still volatile enough that random things like Wooyoung’s favorite song playing on the radio can bring a wave of sadness so overwhelming he has to stop himself from crumbing down like he’s made of dust.

But he’s getting better. He’s moving on.

≈

“Hyung” a voice calls, it sounds faint and raspy. San whines and buries his face on the pillow. “Hyung you have to get up, it’s graduation day.”

San’s stands up so fast he almost gets whiplash, head moving around to make out the room around him. He’s in Jongho’s room, right, because he chose to sleep with him the night before. He turns around to look at the bed and finds Jongho with his eyes closed again, hair an absolute disaster and his right cheek smashed softly against the pillow, his other cheek marked by the sheets from how he was probably sleeping on that side, as usual.

“Hey! Don’t fall asleep again!” San all but screams, hitting the other’s thigh and causing him to bolt upright, surprised. “You’re going to come too, remember? How could you fall asleep again?”

Jongho whines like he’s four, but San doesn’t stay in the room enough to make out his words, instead rushing to the bathroom to get washed up.

It’s June and it’s been months since that situation happened. It’s also been a while since San thought of [extremely redacted], he’s known nothing about either of them, and he honestly doesn’t want to know either, especially not today, he’s got more important things to keep in mind today.

“You look very handsome!” one of his classmates squeals, hitting her fists against his pectorals while San holds her face between his hands and squishes.

“You look really pretty too!” He says, squishing a bit more aggressively, “though you always look pretty.”

“Yah! Choi San!” she screams, embarrassed, “You can’t say things like that with your date standing right beside you!”

San goes red in the face, and so does Jongho, looking at a different direction to avoid making eye contact with them. San’s classmate apologizes after getting corrected, because no, Jongho is not San’s date, and she giggles as she walks away, as if she knows something they don’t.

Graduation goes great, it feels amazing to know he completed a part of his life that was important to him.

Later on that day, he finds himself sitting in the middle of an elegant restaurant with Jongho, both with fancy hairstyles and wearing suits. Jongho is forcing San to let him pay for an expensive dinner as a graduation gift, since he got a job at the same convenience store San works at, and he’s got a good amount of savings because even though he helps San with rent and bills, he doesn’t seem to have any more expenses —to be honest, their friends kind of spoil him, and he ends up never paying for anything whenever they go out together, no matter how much he fights.

Dinner goes great, amazing, spectacular even, San can tell Jongho is doing his best to make sure him spends a pleasant time, and it’s such a nice feeling, to know the other cares that much.

The restaurant is not too far from home, only a few streets away, so once dinner is over they take the opportunity to slowly move along the sidewalk, under the lampposts that keep everything illuminated.

"Should we sit around here?" Jongho asks, tugging at San's hand when they walk near a small park, there are several branches, most of them under trees, and it seems like a nice prospect to just sit there and enjoy the fresh night air for a while, so San nods and lightly tugs him to sit on a branch under a tree.

They stay silent for a while, clothes overly formal for where they are, thighs pressed together and eyes fixed on the road in front of them, watching as people walk around.

"I have something to tell you" Jongho says, around 10 minutes of peaceful silence later.

"Hm? What is it?" San asks, without looking away from the road.

"I remember now" Jongho answers, San turns his head to look at him only to find the other already looking in his direction, "Remember that I told you I could only hear a faint voice at the back of my head saying things I couldn't understand? Everything was hazy back then, I was always confused, but pieces started to fall together with time, and now I know how it all came to this."

San looks at him for a few minutes, pensive. He can remember Jongho as a statue, but it's hard to think of him back then, especially with the amount of times he's seen him sleep soft.

"And how did this happen?"

≠

Jongho wasn't a human from the beginning, he was in fact built from a rock, expert hands giving him the form of a human boy, gentle touches and virtuous fingers shaping the figure that would much, much later turn into flesh and bones.

The sculptor who had made him was but a nameless blurry face in Jongho's head, but his voice reverberated loud and clear through even corner of his mind.

He had been… sad.

No, sad would an understatement, the man had been totally devastated, heart ripped out of his chest and bleeding into his hand, so severely wounded it seemed like every beat it gave would be its last.

Jongho was born from that sadness, an exemplar that would represent a part of him and that it would keep it safe... a part of him that, in the form of Jongho, no one could ever hurt. His works were loved, praised, worshiped… No one would dare to spit a bad word about Jongho, no one would ever dare saying anything that would question the amount of talent the man held when it came to shaping stone into beautiful pieces of art, and therefore, no one would ever dare say anything bad about the part of him the stone was keeping a secret, keeping safe.

Jongho was also born out of the love the sculptor felt for San —though in that time he wasn't exactly San just yet— and of the devastation that came from losing him at the hands of a generation in which those like them weren't accepted. The endless hate of people had cost him everything, and it had cost San his life.

Jongho remembers, as if he had been alive, the warm tears sliding against his rocky surface, as the sculptor worked his chisel around the rough edges of his yet to be finished figure with such a passion, pouring so much feeling into each new part he perfected. Jongho felt like a masterpiece, he felt important, he felt priceless.

"You're for him" the sculptor had declared after he was done, "You're for him to see in a time in which the ones like us won't be so judged, in a time in which the ones like us can be happy together. You're for him."

He had caressed Jongho's cheek, and even though it doesn't feel like a memory that's his own, he can almost feel the cold hand shaking against his face made of stone.

In the end, the sculptor had put too much of himself into Jongho, too much of his own emotions, and they stayed with him, engraved into his stone heart permanently.

His last words were said, and them Jongho would hear incessantly at the back of his mind once he woke up for his seemingly endless unconsciousness.

"You're for him. May he find you in another time, and when he touches you, he'll know you're for him. A part of my soul stays with you, Jongho, you're all the remaining love I have for him, and I know that he'll feel that same love for you."

≠

As Jongho moves along the story, he can see San tense up more and more, looking away and avoiding his eyes, frowning.

When the story ends San’s thoughts keep running silently for what feels like an eternity, but Jongho doesn’t push him, doesn’t hurry him, lets him process.

“So it’s kind of true, and kind of not, huh?” San says finally, after what felt like hours, “the whole soulmates deal, I mean.”

Jongho shrugs, he doesn’t know what to say, what is he supposed to say?

“It doesn’t have to change anything” He affirms, after pondering deeply for a few more minutes, “between you and I, it doesn’t have to change anything. I know you’re feeling better, and that you don’t think about that anymore, but we don’t have to change how we are anytime soon, or ever. I'm always going to be here for you no matter what, in whichever form I can, he made me for you so...” Jongho hesitates a bit before his next words, but they’re true, and they both know. “I’m yours.”

San’s head snaps up from where it had been hanging low as he stared at his shiny black shoes, and he looks at Jongho in a way the other can’t quite name. There’s something there, in his eyes, Jongho can tell this is not the way San usually looks at him, but he doesn’t know what the name of it is, he just knows something has shifted in the air around them.

“You’re no one’s, Jongho” San says calmly, placing a hand over the other’s and squishing lightly, “You’re not an object, not anymore.”

Jongho freezes, looking at San in the eyes. Times doesn’t stop or slow down, it doesn’t run faster either, because time doesn’t care about how wildly Jongho’s heart is beating inside his chest, or how the tips of his fingers feel as if they’re being touched by sparks.

For some reason, the fact that San is trying to give more importance to his meaningless existence than it really holds —the only reason Jongho is alive is San, anyway— is doing things to his heart… but that’s okay, he’s gotten used by now, he can control it.

Except he can't, not when San leans close and rests their foreheads together, and Jongho's heart feels like it'll beat out of his chest in any moment. 

"I'm still yours" he whispers, because he doesn't need to speak any louder for San to hear him, "In whichever form you take me, your support or your friend, I was made for you, and I'm yours."

They lock eyes, up this close Jongho is positive San hear the way his heart is beating violently, but can't bring himself to care as he stares into his soulmate's beautiful dark eyes.

"What form would you like me to take you as?" San asks, voice not much louder than Jongho's own, eyes full of that Jongho can't quite name.

It's a tricky question, because Jongho is more than sure that San knows, he knows how Jongho feels, knows how he's felt from the very first day he became a man. And also, because Jongho can't quite put his feelings into words just yet, he tries as best as he can, and he's widely encouraged by everyone, but even so, it hasn't even been a year yet since he came to life, and he feels pretty much dumb and lost when it comes to expressing all of the things that run through his mind, all of the feelings that bloom in his chest.

Which is probably why instead of trying to explain, Jongho simply leans forwards and connects his lips to San's own.

It's short, barely a press of lips and he's pulling back, but San follows him and connects their mouths on a sweet kiss again, this one a bit longer, San's mouth feeling soft over his own, and his hands on his neck and cheek feel so warm Jongho could melt.

Kissing San is intoxicating, Jongho finds, one of those things you can't help but want more of, which is why when they part he can't help but move forward to reconnect their lips again and again, exchanging sweet pecks.

There's feeling there, there's a promise of something, but Jongho is too clumsy to put anything into words, so he just lets it hang in the air between them and prays that San can understand it, and prays that he will accept him.

"Yeah" San sighs softy, eyes shut and forehead resting against Jongho's once again. "Yeah, I would like that."

Jongho's prayers were heard. All of them.

≈

San adjusts his earphones as he pushes the shopping cart forwards, it’s grocery shopping day but he’s at the supermarket alone, because Jongho is lazy and whiny, and San can never say no to him.

He checks the list quickly to see what he needs to pick up next, and can’t stop the blooming of a smile when he spots “marshmallow chocolate milk” at the very bottom, in a handwriting that’s definitely not his. He sighs and shakes his head, Jongho is so cute, drinking that disgusting thing —and Mingi be damned for showing him what that even tasted like. 

He makes his way to the aisle where he knows he’ll find what he needs, music loudly distracting him from the rest of the world, which is perhaps the reason why —short after grabbing Jongho’s request— he can’t hear it when someone calls his name. He does, however, feel the hand over his shoulder. 

When San turns around, he expects to find a lost customer asking about something they can't find, or perhaps that ahjumma with a gentle smile who's always offering free stuff. He does not expect, however, to find Wooyoung.

San can't help the way his jaw drops, and he hurries to tug his earphones off, not bothering to stop the music before doing so. 

"Wooyoung?" San asks, he can hear the disbelief in his voice, it's been years since the last time they saw each other.

Wooyoung doesn't look much different than how he did a few years ago, maybe a tad older (though almost unnoticeable so), but his eyes remain the same warm brown San knows so well.

"I was unsure it was really you" he says, looking like he just saw a ghost, and it hits San these are the first words he's ever heard from him since he left their old apartment that day. He chuckles lightly.

"It's been a while, but do I look so different you couldn't recognize me?" San jokes, pretending to be offended.

A small smile appears in Wooyoung's pale and stressed-looking face.

"Just the hair" he answers, "brown looks good on you."

"I know" San smiles, Jongho says that all the time.

They stay in silence for a while, heavy and a bit awkward, both unsure of what to say.

"How have you been?" Wooyoung asks, giving a few steps to the front so he's standing right in front of San, the shopping cart between them.

"I've been good! I got a good job a while after the graduation, so I don't work in that crappy convenience store anymore, I also moved from the apartment we used to live in to a nicer one" he tells Wooyoung, who listens with a soft smile on his face, "what about you?"

"Me too, I've been good" he nods, his eyes drift into San's shopping cart and his face contorts into a funny frown, "I thought you hated marshmallow chocolate... oh"

Wooyoung looks up and down a few times, and when San follows his line of vision he notices what he's really looking at: the ring on his finger. He giggles happily as he remembers.

"Yeah…" he lifts his hand to show the simple silver ring decorating it, "I already went all the way through."

"With…?"

"Jongho" San admits, smile easy on his face, "we started dating around three years ago, we got married this last winter."

"Oh, that's great San" Wooyoung says softly, there's a hint of sadness there too, but San pretends he doesn't notice, "I hope he treats you better than I did. You look very happy though, so I assume he does."

"I am very happy" San confirms.

Somehow, looking at Wooyoung now makes him feel… grateful, almost. Had it not been for Wooyoung, he would've never met Jongho, and he would've never gotten to experience all of the amazing things he has got to live until now.

"I don't wanna make this awkward but, is it too late to say I'm sorry? I've always felt bothered over the fact that I couldn't give you a sincere apology before" Wooyoung starts, but he doesn't wait for San to answer to keep talking, "I'm really sorry for what I did San, even back then I felt very sorry, I was stupid and it was truly inexcusable, I'm glad that you found someone who can give you what I couldn't."

San finds it in him to laugh lightly again.

"It's okay, Wooyoung" he nods, placing a hand over the other's shoulder, "I forgive you, I actually think I forgave you a long time ago. I'm really happy with my life now, and even though what you did was shitty, I don't regret our time together, everything would be pretty different if you hadn't interfered… I appreciate the apology, though."

Wooyoung smiles at him big, reassured, and San finds himself smiling back.

He feels lighter as he pays and takes the things to his car, as if a weight he didn't know was over his shoulders had been suddenly lifted, and the lack of said weight makes him feel like he could fly. He figures that he was never really satisfied with the way things went with Wooyoung, and suppressed that part of his life so much he didn't even notice, and now that he finally got proper closure on the matter, he feels the most relaxed he ever has.

He sighs happily, and as he starts the car he makes a mental note to give his husband extra cuddles once he gets home, just because he can.