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“Hey, Buck, are you in…here…?” Kate’s eyes grew wide as she looked at him sitting on the edge of the bed – eyes puffy and bloodshot, cheeks tearstained.
Kate had seen him cry quite a few times, but it was never like this. Usually he’d be telling her something that he remembered and it would be too much. The first time it happened, Bucky ran away and locked himself in his room. The second time, Kate grabbed him before he could run. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. He let her, melted into her touch, cried his heart out. As much as it pained her to see him hurting so much, it made her feel special that Bucky let her share these intimate moments with him. Which is why catching Bucky crying in private throws her off.
On one hand Kate thinks she should just apologize and leave; this is obviously different than usual. But on the other hand, Kate just wants to wrap her arms around him and make all his pain go away. The way Bucky looks up at her – his eyes are so big, so pale and full of pain – makes her choose the latter.
Her hands are light on him, leading him further up on the bed. He lies down on his side and reaches out a hand – the flesh and bone one – for Kate. She curls up next to him, holding his hand tightly in hers, pressed to her chest. They lie there in silence for quite some time – Bucky not ready to talk and Kate knowing that he’ll talk when he’s ready.
For the last month or two, Kate and Bucky have been dancing around the topic of their relationship. Neither of them ever brings it up, feeling like they don’t have the right words. It’s so much more than just a platonic friendship; has been for longer than either of them realizes. Any time either of them tries to say something, all the problems that could possibly stand in the way start to surface. For Kate, it’s the fear of getting too close to Bucky. She’s far too aware of the impermanence of life. For Bucky, it’s not knowing himself well enough. He feels like a stranger in this body.
After a while, Kate takes Bucky’s hand and presses it to her lips, kissing his knuckles. She knows there’s a chance that this is crossing the line, but in this moment – this overwhelmingly intimate moment – she has to. She can feel it in every inch of her body – the need to let Bucky know how loved he is, how much she cares for him. It’s a small, simple gesture, but it’s enough. The corners of Bucky’s lips perk up into a small smile and the tension starts to fade from his body.
Bucky sniffles and clears his throat before speaking. “I’m sorry.”
“What? Bucky you’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”
“Yeah I do.”
“What could you possibly have to be sorry for?”
“I’m a burden.”
Kate’s eyes fill with tears and no matter how much she tries to hold them back, they roll down her cheeks anyway.
“And now I’ve made you cry.”
“No, Bucky. No. It’s just… you’re not a burden. I want you here. I like your company. You… you make me feel safe.”
“But, Kate…”
“What’s this about, Buck? What made you think that?”
Bucky shrugs as much as he can and turns his gaze elsewhere. He shuffles, uneasy, but opens his mouth anyway. “You deserve more than me, more than eighty-three percent of a guy who died, got brought back, and was made to be an assassin. You deserve someone whole and young and –”
With tears still in her eyes, Kate presses her lips to Bucky’s and silences him with a kiss. Her body is tense until he starts kissing back. She tries to go slow; she doesn’t want to push him into anything he doesn’t want. It’s a bit sloppy while Bucky tries to get back into the swing of things, but he’s quick to figure out what they both like. Kate wiggles around until she’s on her back and Bucky is leaning over her, hands planted on either side of her shoulders.
Kate slowly tangles her fingers in Bucky’s hair, making sure it’s not too much. When he moans into the kiss she smiles and pulls just a bit harder. Her other hand moves to grip Bucky’s arm. She’s never had a problem with the metal arm and she’s always made sure she let Bucky know that. He’s still getting used to it, still getting used to being delicate with it. So when she feels the cold sting of metal sneaking underneath her shirt she leans into the touch.
When Bucky realizes what he’s doing, he pulls away.
“Are you okay?”
“I just feel like… like I don’t deserve to touch you, not with this hand, this…weapon.”
“You know I’m not bothered by your arm. I know what you’ve been through and it doesn’t scare me, okay? I’m sorry those things happened to you but they don’t make love you any less. Maybe I’m crazy –”
“You love me?”
Kate’s cheeks turn red and she smiles, nods. “Yeah. I love you.” She pauses. “Arm and all.”
“I…”
“You don’t have to say it back if you’re not ready.”
“No, it’s okay. I love you, too.” Bucky takes a deep breath and smiles, feeling relieved.