Work Text:
Hi and I hope you forgive me (12:00 AM)
from: Lee Jinhyuk ([email protected])
to: Kim Wooseok ([email protected])
Hi.
So… if you’re reading this email, then you probably have a vague idea of what’s going on. And if you don’t, then you will by the morning when Yein comes busting your door down to comfort you. (I’m really banking on you being devastated that I’m gone or something, but I guess there’s the chance that you’ll be the one comforting Yein haha…)
Emails aren’t really my forte, but I thought it’d be easier than writing a crap ton of handwritten notes. You know, the environment, etc… Plus, my hands were cramping after the first attempt at writing a letter (it’s in the drawer on my side of the bed if you want to laugh at me).
Yeah. I just wanted to say I’m sorry, and I know it seems like I’m running away from our arguments and everything else that’s been keeping you (yeah, I noticed) up at night, but I’m not. I seriously promise I’m not, and I know you’ll doubt me, but I promise this isn’t me running away. For the next week while I’m gone, you’ll get an email every day at midnight letting you know what I’m doing (sort of), updating you on my day. You don’t have to respond with updates of your day (pictures would be cool heh) because I can’t reply to you until I’m home, but, uh.
I’m not running away. I guess the last few weeks of us being us have made me think about a lot of things. I can recognize that I lack a lot even now, even after all of these years, and I don’t know. Being alone helps me process things better. Makes it easier to see what I should be fixing—what we should be working on.
If you’re mad, I’m sorry. You have every right to be. If you’re sad, please don’t be. That’s foul play and you know it.
Seriously, though. Wooseok, I love you a lot. I miss you already.
See you soon!
Love always,
Jinhyuk
It’s so god damn hot in my grandma’s house (12:00 AM)
from: Lee Jinhyuk ([email protected])
to: Kim Wooseok ([email protected])
Seriously. I’m melting. This is how Olaf felt when tragedy struck him and he came to terms with the full brunt of his mortality. I, like Olaf, am melting in this heat. It’s hot as fuck and my grandma is too old to think of her house as anything more than a makeshift sauna. To say I’m suffering would be an egregious understatement. My sister told me I’m being dramatic and it kind of stung, you know? She used to cling to me like a koala, and now she’s here reminding me to act my age.
Hope your day’s going better. I, uh, saw that you sent me some texts… left a voicemail… Seungwoo hyung said you’re doing better today… If I wasn’t so hellbent on doing what I said I’d do, I’d probably be running back home right this second to apologize in person, but trust me. I’ll be back soon and I’ll be better. I mean, I guess I can’t promise we’ll never argue about stupid things again… but that’s all a part of life. All a part of dating, love, the works.
I told my grandma what happened and what I was doing and she smacked my head so hard, I swear I saw stars. Had to explain it to her before she had the chance to call you. I knooooow you hate surprises, but if anyone’s going to ruin it, it’s going to be ME and not my grandma!
Anyway, talking with her made me realize that I really shouldn’t have expected you to be so patient with me forever… that I shouldn’t have held everything back and internalized all of my thoughts and concerns for so long. I know we trust each other, but it was kind of hard to see that there’s a difference between trust and communication. I know that now, and I know it was unfair to blame you for being difficult when I never told you when the things you said hurt me or bothered me. I know it was unfair to treat our relationship so lightly—even as a joke.
I do want a future with you. And… it’d be nice if the future was forever.
God. I’m melting. And not just because I’m being cheesy, and also not just because this house is hell itself. Seungwoo hyung just sent me a picture of you knocked out on the couch. You looked tired. Did you cry? Hopefully he explained it better than I (or Yein) could.
I really miss you.
And our air conditioner.
With even more love than yesterday,
Jinhyuk
My mom thinks I should get my fortune read more often (12:00 AM)
from: Lee Jinhyuk ([email protected])
to: Kim Wooseok ([email protected])
Last night, my mom made a terrible suggestion I probably shouldn’t have humored. She’s really, really convinced that this fortune teller she’s been going to will solve all of my problems. So, naturally, ever the filial son, I went to this fortune teller lady and let her read my fortune. Not only did her little booth smell too strongly of incense, but she told me at some point, amidst all of the generalizations, that I should let it go.
Let it go?
Let????? What????? Go??????????? Does she think I’m Elsa or something??
It kind of startled me, I guess… For lack of better words, it almost seemed like she was telling me to give up. The stars are saying Lee Jinhyuk, you’re hopeless! Give up on your relationship! But man. I don’t know if I could ever do that. Do you think I’m selfish? For not wanting to give up on us? Do you want me to?
Even if you want me to, I don’t know if I could. Is that selfish of me?
… Sorry. It’s been on my mind, and it’s hard to process this sort of stuff without you next to me to drag me back to reality. Can’t tell my mom about it because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Can’t tell my mom about what’s happening with us because I don’t want her to drive to you and apologize on my behalf.
Fortune telling is so weird. What mystical force in the world could possibly know all of my secrets? Should I really trust the stars before I trust my heart?
It’s only been three days and I kind of feel homesick. Can’t remember the last time we were apart for so long. I’m not sulking or anything, but I didn’t get any middle finger emojis through text this morning… and the only picture I got from Byungchan was a blurry one of you walking way too quickly for him (lol).
Hope YOU’RE not sulking.
Miss you always.
Three times the love,
Jinhyuk
RE: My mom thinks I should get my fortune read more often (8:06 AM)
from: Kim Wooseok ([email protected])
to: Lee Jinhyuk ([email protected])
fortune telling is stupid.
Got rained on in Busan (12:00 AM)
from: Lee Jinhyuk ([email protected])
to: Kim Wooseok ([email protected])
Like DRENCHED. It was terrible. I was trying to take a nice picture of the sunset for you and I got hit by torrential downpour instead. Is it monsoon season or something? Did I completely miss the memo? Either way, my phone’s been sitting in a bag of rice for a solid three hours and I’m scared to take it out.
Right.
Hello from Busan! I’m not supposed to be here, but my uncle runs a fish shop, and he said the best place to clear your thoughts is from the peak of Taejongdae. Tried it. Got attacked by a bunch of sea gulls on the boat taking me there because I wouldn’t give up my shrimp crackers. I did make it there at some point, but by then, I was so tired, all I could think about was how nice it’d be to just… knock out in bed. Back home.
My uncle was kind of right though. I had to sit down to catch my breath, and the only thing I could really see in front of me was the ocean. Got to thinking… I guess… I’m still not really sure how to answer your question. You know, when you asked me, “Where do you see us five years from now? Ten?”
It didn’t really hit me until then that you were thinking so far ahead into the future for us. Not that I don’t want a future for us, but it’d never really been something concrete in my mind. I just assumed that five, ten years from now, we’d be together, same as always, and that was that. Were you nervous? Are you nervous? Scared? That my plans for the future might not include you? It’s hard to explain, but it’s kind of the opposite. My future is you, and that’s as much thought as I’ve put into it.
I didn’t mean to call you cold that night. I didn’t mean it. Sometimes, I do get frustrated when you put up your walls and I have to climb over them, over and over again. It gets easier, but there are times when I wish you’d just look me in the eye and tell me what’s bothering you. I bet you feel the same way about me, though. Wouldn’t it be nice if Jinhyuk stopped pretending everything is always okay?
I’m not trying to be dishonest when I close myself off. I’m just trying to be the best version of myself for you, and I guess I didn’t realize that that’s not possible unless I let you see my worst version too.
I’ll have a better idea of what I want five, ten years from now by the time I get back home. I’ll write an entire paper for you if that’s what you want.
Busan’s beautiful by the way. Gwangalli Bridge lights up at night and the reflections in the water are really nice. We’ll have to come together soon!
Arguably too much love,
Jinhyuk
P.S. Fortune telling really is stupid. You’re right.
Ate my weight in duck (12:00 AM)
from: Lee Jinhyuk ([email protected])
to: Kim Wooseok ([email protected])
There’s this place in Gwangju that basically only sells duck-dishes and I’m never going to be able to forgive myself the next time I go to the park and see the little ducklings waddling about. I guess I shouldn’t be too worried about my impending human’s guilt. There aren’t a lot of ducks in Korea that haven’t already been cooked…
You know, when I tell you how I planned this trip, you’re probably going to make fun of me. It’s really inefficient, and now that I’ve spent too long getting lost at the train stations, I’ve decided I’m never traveling without you ever again. Just doesn’t make sense to go from Seoul to Busan to Gwangju, just to go to…
Well, that’ll be a secret for tomorrow.
I kind of doubted myself a day or two into my retreat. I don’t know. I wasn’t sure if it’d be smart. For some reason, I kept thinking that I might come back, one week later, and you’ll have changed your mind about me. I get that way about you sometimes. Not because I don’t trust you, but because I really, really love you, and my worst fears inadvertently become losing you in some way, shape, or form.
You can write me a letter too, you know… if you want to remind me how much you love me! Or if you want to tell me you’re lonely! Or if you want to get mad at me because I’m eating really good food without you!
(I’m not gonna lie, my preferences are ranked in this ^^^^ exact order.)
I’ll see you soon. Miss you.
Five thousand ducks’ worth of love,
Jinhyuk
RE: Ate my weight in duck (11:34 AM)
from: Kim Wooseok ([email protected])
to: Lee Jinhyuk ([email protected])
1. i hope you’re enjoying all of that good food i can’t get in seoul
2. ha
3. i love you
one week isn’t long enough to change anything for the worse. come home soon
Daejeon, the city that gave us Kim Wooseok (12:00 AM)
from: Lee Jinhyuk ([email protected])
to: Kim Wooseok ([email protected])
Feels weird being here without you. Your parents probably feel the same haha… As charming as I am, they’d probably rather see their son. It’s nice, though. Your hometown’s nice. Kind of like Seoul but a little quieter, a little more refined. It reminds me of you, to be honest.
Being here makes me miss you a lot. More than I have the past few days, to be honest, but I’ll see you soon.
A part of me didn’t really want talk to your parents about certain things. Didn’t want to tell your dad that I’ve made you cry before. Didn’t want to tell your mom that sometimes you toss and turn in your sleep and I don’t know how to help you. I thought they’d hate me.
They thanked me for taking care of you, and I almost laughed because I was so bewildered. If anyone’s taking care of anyone, it’s you taking care of me. But I guess I must be doing something right if after everything I confessed, they said thank you. Your dad called you difficult (you didn’t hear this from me), but maybe it’s the years we’ve spent together. You’re difficult, but I’ve seen worse.
Anyway, you have less reason to be angry with me now. Even your mom commended me for doing this—told me I’m smart!
Seriously, though… didn’t think I’d ever make it into Daejeon without you, and I’m definitely feeling especially lonely tonight. I can see why you’re the person you are today, and I hope you’ll forgive me just like your parents did.
Love,
Jinhyuk
Cold feet? (1:45 AM)
from: Lee Jinhyuk ([email protected])
to: Kim Wooseok ([email protected])
Sitting at Seoul Station thinking about how far we’ve come. From butting heads all of the time to becoming best friends to becoming lovers, I don’t know if I’d change a single thing about us.
Now that I’ve reflected for a week, I guess I should let you know what I’ve figured out.
1. You don’t want me to blame everything on myself. I get that. And I don’t. You’re stubborn too, and withdrawn in your own way. We have to figure out how to communicate, but I think that’s something we’ve been working on for a long time now. And hey, we’re getting better by the day.
2. You’re right. The future is scary. The only reason why I wasn’t scared was because I knew I’d have you with me.
3. I never really considered me bottling things up the same thing as me keeping secrets, but I kind of get it now. It must have been hard trying to gauge how I was really feeling, all of those years. People always say I’m the patient one, but maybe it was you, after all.
4. This time I’ve spent away from you makes me realize it’d be really, really hard to live without you.
5. Duck isn’t that great in excess. I promise.
6.
Oops. My ride’s here.
See you soon. I love you.
Yours,
Jinhyuk
RE: Cold feet? (2:00 AM)
from: Kim Wooseok ([email protected])
to: Lee Jinhyuk ([email protected])
hurry home
The apartment is dark by the time Jinhyuk makes it back. He’s careful about unlocking the door, and it’s funny, really—the quiet sigh of relief that escapes him when the key fits the lock snugly.
His heart’s still beating quickly as he tiptoes across the living room, settling the brunt of his luggage atop the couch, trepidation and anticipation mixing into one as he gently pushes past the entryway to the bedroom.
From where he’s standing, he can make out the outline of Wooseok’s body, curled up beneath the comforter.
“Hey,” he whispers, crouching by the space Wooseok’s occupied on Jinhyuk’s side of the bed. He sets a bouquet of flowers—half-crushed from a bumpy taxi ride—on the ground next to the nightstand where he’d first stowed away a hastily written, abandoned farewell letter. “You awake?”
Wooseok grumbles in response, peeking his head out from beneath the blankets. “Sleep,” he replies.
“Sleep?” Jinhyuk repeats. The smile on his lips comes automatically when he feels Wooseok’s hand curl around his, pulling him forward. “You don’t want to yell at me?”
“Sleep,” Wooseok says once more. “I haven’t slept well since you left. We’ll talk in the morning.”
It’s hard to argue with that, and Jinhyuk would welcome some comfortable rest. He lets out a small laugh, intermingled with an exhale. After a moment’s hesitation, Jinhyuk fishes a black velvet ring box from his pocket and places it atop the bedside table, his free hand hovering over the box and then over Wooseok’s forehead, pushing his hair back away from his eyes.
“Good night,” says Jinhyuk, in the midst of settling into bed.
He feels Wooseok relax in his embrace, feels the lethargy settle into his bones in waves.
“I missed you,” Wooseok mumbles sleepily.
Jinhyuk pulls him closer, eyelids heavy. “Me too.”