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Iida stood in the shower looking down at the floor. The water beat down on his back, He couldn’t feel anything. Numb. Stuck in his own mind as he replayed the events over and over. There were so many decisions he made that could have been better. Should have been better. If he had taken a second before acting, if he hadn’t been so stupid, maybe it wouldn’t have turned out so badly.
He shut the water off. He didn't need to be wasting water on top of his other failures.
Iida closed his eyes and took a deep breath, listening to the water drip from the shower head. He felt his mind go blank as he let his focus follow a drop of water down his back, his leg, before finally disappearing to the ground.
He pushed everything away. Feeling nothing was easier than being swallowed alive by everything.
Iida let himself move on autopilot to get himself ready for the day.
He found himself standing in front of his door, staring at himself in the mirror, now fully dressed. The bags under his eyes, puffy and dark. For once he was glad about how quickly rumours spread at the school. Hopefully, he would be left alone.
Iida closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He needed to get over this. Lingering on the past won’t lead him to success. Won’t lead him to helping the next person. He clenched his hands into fists. The twitching he felt in his left hand provided enough of a platform for him to ground himself, even as the images of those he didn’t save flashed behind his closed lids. He couldn’t let his emotions get the best of him. Not again.
Iida opened his eyes and headed out the room, shoving his emotions to the back burner. He wasn’t going to let them slow him down.
Looking at the time he realized that he was almost late to class. He didn’t get ready with the same tenacity that he usually did.
He jogged to class, glad that the trip was uneventful due to everyone else he found in the hallway being in the same state of rush that he was.
Iida breathed a sigh of relief when he walked into class and Aizawa was not there yet.
He stood in front of the class and bowed deeply.
“I apologize for my tardiness,” he announced. He stood back up and made to move to his seat but was stopped when he felt a hand on his arm.
“It’s okay, Iida-kun, you’re not late yet,” Midoriya said softly. His eyes shined with gentle kindness. He may have not been there yesterday but Iida felt like Midoriya was staring into his soul. Witnessing him bare and open.
Iida’s reply was caught in his throat so he resorted to a nod before continuing to his seat. He felt bad for not replying properly, but there was nothing he could have said in the situation. Midoriya probably understood.
Iida was glad for the distraction as Aizawa finally walked into the room. He sat down and got his books, preparing himself for the day’s lessons.
Getting through his morning classes was easy. He could push everything away and focus on the lesson. The motions were easy to fall into. Listen, write down what was said, repeat. He could figure it out later. Chat politely with classmates in between classes. Skip lunch, bury yourself in your notes. Excuse.
Excuse.
Work.
Excuse.
Afternoon classes were another story.
Iida felt so useless.
He stood panting, dripping sweat, shaking as he tried to pull himself together.
Uraraka came up to him, obvious in her worry.
Iida was distracted during their fight. All he could see were their bodies. Seeing those he failed. Here he was, standing there, having been destroyed catastrophically by his classmate. He couldn’t be like this. Couldn’t let the same thing happen again.
“Iida-kun? Hey, Iida-kun?”
Iida snapped out of his thoughts. He had forgotten Uraraka was there. He could tell she wanted to reach out and comfort him but was restraining herself.
“Sorry Uraraka-kun, I am okay. Thank you for worrying. I just have a lot on my mind,” he told her. He didn’t want to worry her. There was nothing to worry about, he would be fine.
“Okay, Iida-kun. Ah, let me know if you need anything okay! I’ll be there for you,” Uraraka exclaimed, trying to look cheerful.
“Thank you, I will keep that in mind,” he replied. He didn’t want to worry her any more than she already was.
Iida walked back into the observation room where the rest of his classmates were. He felt them all staring at him. He felt itchy all over, like the souls of those he failed were trapped inside him and trying to claw their way out of perdition and scream their vengeance to the world.
The room was silent. The usual chaos stilled and pointed at him.
Everyone knew.
Iida didn’t look at anyone. He didn’t deserve to meet their eyes.
The guilty man flees.
Iida sat down, eyes downcast. All he had to do was get through the rest of the afternoon. Then he could sort his emotions through and be back to normal for tomorrow.
He sat there for a while, fighting the darkness that threatened to spill out of him. To take over his being.
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when there was a figure standing in front of him. He looked up and saw Aizawa standing there.
“Iida,” Aizawa called sternly.
Iida immediately jumped up, chastising himself for not paying attention. “Yes, sir?”
Aizawa’s gaze was softer than what Iida was expecting. He thought he was in trouble for not paying attention. There was a lot that he should be learning from watching his peers fight.
“Iida, go back to your dorm. Take the rest of the day off. Rest.”
Iida stood there, looking down in shame. He was letting his emotions get the best of him again and it was affecting his ability to become a hero. He told himself he wouldn’t do it again.
He wanted to argue, to fight for his place. After the pathetic display that he had put on in his fight, he had no business doing so. Someone as pathetic as he had no right arguing with his teacher.
“Yes, sir. I’m sorry for my performance today. I won’t let it happen again,” he announced. He said it loud enough that the whole class could hear it. Not that he needed to. His failures had contaminated the room and were imprinting themselves in his classmates. Forcing them away from their studies and onto him.
Iida quickly exited the room, not looking at anyone. He didn’t deserve to be called the class president, nor their sympathetic looks. Not with the way he was behaving.
His walk back to the dorm was efficient. He didn't want to waste anyone else's time with his inability to function properly.
He found himself in his room soon enough. What was he supposed to do here? Everywhere he went he was useless. He couldn’t act well enough in class to be deemed worthy of being taught, and he didn’t know how to fix himself when sent away.
Iida sat down on the edge of his bed and buried his head in his hands. No matter what he did or where he went the image of yesterday taunted him every time he blinked. The look on their faces as they crumbled to the floor. The sound of their screams rang in his ears. He could hear them screaming as they tried to crawl their way out of hell. The fire. The raw evil that surrounded the face of their murderer. Iida was drowning in a pool of decay, being pulled in by the ankle by the hand of death.
A knock on his door pulled him from his thoughts. How long had he been sitting there?
Iida opened the door to reveal Midoriya–wringing his hands and concern emanating from his very being–and a stoic-looking Todoroki, who stood with his hand on Midoriya’s shoulder.
“Iida-kun! Hi! Um, Todoroki-kun and I were wondering if we could talk to you, because of what happened in class today. Not because we think you’re weak or anything! But because we were worried–are worried–about you and wanted to check on you and be there for you if you wanted us!” Midoriya exclaimed.
Iida nodded and stepped out of the way, letting the two in. He couldn’t bring himself to turn away Midoriya when he looked so worried. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Midoriya on top of his other sins.
Iida closed the door after them and pulled out the chair from his desk and sat on it, motioning for the others to sit down on his bed.
“Thank you for worrying about me,” Iida said once they had all taken a seat. He was trying to kill the heavy silence in the room. Iida could tell that Midoriya was trying his best to hold himself in.
Iida felt disgusting. He was supposed to be a leader yet here were his friends scared to do anything around him.
“Do you want to talk about what happened Iida-kun? It can be about either yesterday or today! We’re here to listen to anything you want to say,” Midoriya offered.
Todoroki nodded in agreement, looking at Iida expectantly.
Iida sat there staring at the floor. He wasn’t sure what to do. He needed to be able to pull himself together and obviously was not able to accomplish it on his own. Midoriya and Todoroki were the only ones who would be able to understand how much of a failure he truly was. Again .
They were concerned and he was desperate.
“I’m doing it again. Letting my emotions take over my judgment. Just like the time with Stain,” he paused, clenching his left hand and watched as the fingers twitched uselessly. “I told myself I wouldn’t do this again.”
“That’s stupid.”
Iida’s head snapped up to see Midoriya smacking Todoroki on the shoulder. Todoroki didn’t even flinch.
“Well it’s true,” Todoroki continued, “You took away the wrong lesson from the Stain incident. You’re trying to turn yourself into a sociopath.” By this point, Midoriya was practically climbing on top of Todoroki trying to get him to shut up.
Todoroki put this hands up in defeat. He didn’t look away from Iida though, nor let up on the intensity of his gaze.
Iida turned to Midoriya when he started speaking, glad for the excuse to break eye contact with Todoroki. What he had said had shaken him. He was still trying to think it through. He found himself barely listening to Midoriya.
... Sociopath?
Iida realized that Midoriya was looking at him expectantly.
“I’m sorry Midoriya-kun! I...I didn’t hear anything you said to me,” Iida said bashfully.
“It’s okay. I was saying that I think what Todoroki-kun was trying to say is that you can’t pretend that you don’t have feelings. The takeaway from what happened in Hosu shouldn’t be that as a hero you’re not allowed to have feelings, but that you shouldn’t act out in revenge because of them. You don’t have to kill your feelings to avoid that situation,” Midoriya said gently.
When Iida didn’t say anything he continued. “We heard what happened yesterday. You’re allowed to hurt after that. If you try and ignore what you feel and expect to be okay right away you won’t be able to move past or let go….”
“Isn’t the whole point of a hero that they don’t like it when people get hurt? Denying yourself that isn’t going to help anyone,” Todoroki added on.
The two of them then sat quietly, waiting for Iida.
How could he accept something so awful? How could anyone face themselves after letting people die? How was he supposed to get up and face himself after what he did? He wanted to just be past this part of his life; to be able to forget what happened.
Obviously, he was a failure. So much of a failure that he told his friends his problems and they thought he was stupid. He didn’t know what to do with his emotions.
He wanted to say something. Anything. He couldn’t find the words.
“I… I don’t,” Iida said uselessly.
Midoriya’s eyes widened and he waved his arms as if he was trying to push away the fear that was spilling out of Iida into the room.
“AH! I’m sorry, Iida-kun. We went overboard and you’re going through a lot right now. We didn’t even ask if you wanted advice in the first place. I’m sorry if we upset you more.”
Iida couldn’t breathe. Not with the restless energy that shot at him with every twitch of Midoriya’s hands.
“No. It’s okay. You... You guys are right. It was stupid. But I don’t… I can’t... I’m sorry,” he took a moment, he squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep shaky breath.
“Do you want us to leave?” Todoroki asked.
“No!” Iida exclaimed. He reached out on instinct for them. He didn’t know what to do, but the idea of being alone threatened to pull him to places that he didn’t want to admit existed.
Midoriya took that as an invitation and moved to take Iida’s hand. His movements were precise and pointed, but slow enough that Iida could easily reject them if he wanted to.
But he didn’t.
Midoriya gently threaded their fingers together and held his hand tightly.
That simple connection opened something new in Iida that pulled him towards Midoriya.
Why fight it?
He grabbed Midoriya’s shirt, pulling him on top of him.
Iida let out the tears that he didn’t know he was holding back as Midoriya climbed into his lap and hugged him tightly.
After trying to hold in his darkness all day, handing himself over to Midoriya felt so freeing. He put his heart in his friend’s hands and trust that he would be safe.
He could just feel.
Todoroki was right. Of course he was. It wasn’t rational to assume he could move on. Just holding back for one day almost ripped him apart.
So he let himself cry. Let himself feel. Mourn. He emptied himself into Midoriya’s arms, wrung himself dry.
Eventually, he loosened his grip on Midoriya’s shirt and wiped the tears from his face.
“Thank you,” he said meekly.
Midoriya smiled down at him. “Of course, that’s what friends are for, right?”
“Then, thank you for being my friends,” Iida replied.
“We’re not going anywhere. You’re stuck with us forever,” Todoroki chimed in.
“I think I can manage that,” Iida said lightly.
He felt so much lighter now. His grief, his despair, they hadn’t gone anywhere, but they were no longer crushing. They were manageable.
Their absence left him aware of the fatigue that made its home in his soul. He had been fighting all day and it had taken its toll.
Iida took a deep breath. “Can I ask something else of you two?”
“Of course!”
“Yes.”
Iida proceeded cautiously, hoping that he wasn’t overstepping any boundaries. “I still don’t want to be alone, but I’m really tired. Would you be willing to stay the night with me?”
Iida didn’t know what he was expecting but it wasn’t unbridled enthusiasm from Midoriya as he bounced off Iida’s lap.
“It’s a sleepover! Oh! We should change into our pyjamas. Do you want us to go in turns? So that someone's always with you? Or we could not go at all and just borrow your things. Or if you’re not comfortable with that we can just not change. I don’t mind that either. Whatever you want, Iida-kun!”
During Midoriya’s excitement, Iida had looked over at Todoroki and gotten a nod that confirmed his agreement to stay.
“You guys can get ready in your own rooms. I’ll be fine by myself for a little bit. The knowledge that you will come back will be enough,” Iida admitted.
“Okay, we’ll be right back!” Midoriya told him as he pulled Todoroki out of the room. Iida smiled to himself. He was so lucky to have such wonderful friends.
He still hurt, but knowing that Todoroki and Midoriya would be there for him gave him hope that he would be able to figure it out. That maybe he would be okay eventually.
Iida went to his closet and pulled out a pair of pyjamas. He pulled them on and threw his uniform in the hamper. He was too tired to even entertain the idea of doing the rest of his nighttime routine.
He sat on his bed, waiting for the others to come back. His mind started to wander, but he was stable enough now that he could squash any unwanted thoughts. He knew they were going to come back. They said they were and Iida trusted them wholeheartedly.
He was pulled out of his inner turmoil when he heard a soft knock at the door.
“Come in.”
Midoriya peeked his head around the door. When he saw Iida sitting there he came in and shut the door behind him, walking over to join Iida.
“Are you okay? I tried to go as quick as I could.”
Iida was amazed at how caring Midoriya kept proving himself to be. He really shouldn’t be at this point. He had only been gone five minutes max and yet the look he was giving Iida was of pure concern.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Thank you.”
Midoriya beamed up at Iida. He jumped up and pulled the covers back, holding it up like a prize for Iida to crawl in.
Iida happily complied. He wasn’t sure how Midoriya wanted him to position himself. He didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, he was already asking a lot.
This problem was easily solved as Midoriya climbed over him and nestled himself against the wall. Midoriya was basically on top of Iida, and Iida found the pressure oddly comforting.
There was another knock on the door and Todoroki let himself in.
“Sorry I was slow. I had to fight off an obscenely nosy Mineta. The little shit can't mind his own damn business,” Todoroki explained.
“In,” Midoriya demanded, ignoring everything he just said.
Todoroki chuckled but followed orders and climbed in behind Iida.
It was a tight fit, the beds were never meant to hold that much weight. No one plans for a situation like this, but with a little extra work and a couple of awkward elbows, they would still be held up.
It may not have been perfect, but it was good still. It would still work in the end.