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Clementine awoke to the sound of somebody fumbling with the door of the bedroom. It wasn't until she heard the accompanying noises of panicked breathing that she realized that Sarah wasn't in bed next to her. Her heart dropped with worry as she turned to where the door was. Her fears were confirmed when she noticed her older friend making a frantic attempt to search for the doorknob in the dark, gulping for breath as her shoulders heaved with sobs.
"Sarah?" Clem's voice was laced with concern, but by the time she spoke, Sarah had managed to find the knob and twist it open, running across the hall to the bathroom.
Clem didn't hesitate to get out of bed to follow, but not before the sound of vomiting could be heard from the bathroom. That wasn't good. Sarah's panic attacks weren't a new thing, but this one had to be pretty severe. This only made the young girl quicken her pace. It was only a short distance across the hall, but somehow it felt longer.
To her dismay, the first thing Clementine found when she opened the bathroom door - which thankfully wasn't locked - was Sarah huddled around the toilet on her knees, retching up her last meal as she continued to struggle to breathe. The older girl soon noticed her friend, but turned away as soon as she had looked up.
"Sarah!" Clem was quick to run forward and drop to her knees next to her, placing a gentle hand on her back. Sarah's entire body tensed with the sudden touch. "Hey, hey. It's okay. I'm right here, okay?"
Sarah's panic attacks never ceased to worry Clementine, sometimes even scare her. She was aware by now how hard they were to control, and she hated that her friend had to go through them. They happened even more so now, what with Carlos being gone.
But she wasn't about to let Sarah go through it alone.
Something in Clem's gentle tone made Sarah look at her again, her face drenched in sweat and tears. Her eyes were wide with fear as if some evil being were after her, and it was only then that Clementine realized that her glasses were still in the bedroom.
"Cl-Clem...I-I..." Sarah's entire body was shivering, and she was hardly able to get a coherent word out.
"I'm right here," Clem repeated herself, rubbing gentle circles on Sarah's back. Sarah was too worked up to notice, and by now had turned away again, sobbing. "Do you need to..." Here, she was hoping that her friend wasn't about to get sick again. She was already going through enough.
To her credit, Sarah didn't get sick again. Once Clementine was sure, she stood up. She made sure to wait a minute or so before coaxing Sarah to her feet. Still gasping for air, the older girl placed a trembling hand into Clem's smaller one, allowing herself to be pulled up to equally trembling legs. Clementine led her to the stepping stools by the door and gently sat her down.
"Here, sit down here," she coaxed. She watched sadly as Sarah drew her knees close and grabbed at her hair. Clementine sat on her knees, hesitantly reaching out to take her friend's hand again. At first, Sarah tensed, not wanting to be touched anymore. She shook her head, but Clem wasn't ready to give up. Not yet.
"Sarah," she repeated, softly this time, "you're safe. Okay? You're safe. I promise you."
Sarah's shoulders were the only part of her that seemed to relax through Clem's words, but it told the younger girl that she could hear her, that she was, at least, somewhat listening. She lifted her head up again, the fear and emotional pain still clearly written all over her face. Clementine took this opportunity to take Sarah's right hand in both of hers, holding on tightly.
"We're going to count, okay?" Clem continued. She had seen Nick do this to calm Sarah's last panic attack, all too recently, but it had worked. "I'm going to be here with you the whole time. I'm not going anywhere."
Sarah sniffled, mumbling something that wasn't coherent enough for Clementine to catch. Nevertheless, Clem squeezed her hand and began counting.
"One..." she began, nodding slightly to get her friend to follow along. "Two..."
Sarah gulped back another sob, managing to squeeze back as if Clem were a lifeline. When she did speak, her voice sounded choked, hoarse from her crying. "Th-Three..."
"Four...five..."
Counting along was, at first, a struggle for Sarah. Clementine began to breathe in and out between numbers, gently instructing Sarah to do the same. The older girl's breaths were shaky at first, and it wasn't until they reached twenty when the pounding of her heart no longer reached her ears. She couldn't stop crying for the life of her, but she was doing all she could to follow Clem's instructions, to breathe again.
"Twenty-five..." Sarah whispered, her breathing becoming noticeably more steady. "Tw-Twenty-six..."
"You're doing great," Clem encouraged. "Just keep breathing. Twenty-seven..."
Eventually, Sarah's sobs turned into silent, yet decreasing, tears. She never let go of Clementine's hand the whole time, and Clem wasn't about to make her. It wasn't long before Clem was able to move Sarah's hair out of her tear-streaked face without resistance - reminding herself that the hair still needed to be dealt with, but now was not the time to bring that up.
"Fifty-eight..." the girls were speaking simultaneously now. "Fifty-nine...sixty."
They were done now. Sarah no longer felt like she was going to die, her heart rate had decreased back to a steady, healthy pace, and her trembling was barely noticeable. Her world was no longer spinning. However, she still looked haunted by whatever had caused this, her crying not quite fully ceased. Clementine moved one of her hands to Sarah's shoulder, gently rubbing up and down her arm.
"There," she murmured. "See? You did it, Sarah. You can get through this."
Sarah finally maintained eye contact with Clementine, her eyes still glistening. "Don't leave me."
"Staying right here," was Clem's reply. Knowing the deeper meaning of Sarah's statement caused her heart to sink. She was getting a pretty good idea of what had caused this. There was another tactic she decided to try.
Clementine and Kenny had gone on a supply run last week to a nearby town, while Nick and Sarah had stayed behind at the cabin to look after Alvin Jr. There, Clementine had found a book relating to anxiety, similar to what Sarah went through. She took it with her without a second thought, and had been reading through it - all the while learning the more difficult words first grade hadn't taught her. She was learning many new ways to be able to help Sarah and was waiting for the right moment to go over them with her. Clem felt thankful that she had read this particular section only two days ago. Who knew it would come in handy so soon?
"Tell me five things you can see," she coaxed, looking deep into Sarah's dark, pain-filled eyes.
Sarah look confused, a couple of stray tears rolling down her cheeks. "Huh?"
"Five things," Clem repeated, reaching up to wipe the tears with her thumb. "Look around in here, Sarah. Can you tell me five things that you're seeing right now?"
"I see..." Sarah paused, giving a good glance around the small bathroom. "I-I see you, I see...I see the closet, the sh-shower curtain, the plant, a-and the towel rack."
"Good." Clementine smiled again. "Now tell me four things you can hear."
"Y-Your voice, the wind outside, an...an owl, and..." Sarah looked like she wanted to smile, but she couldn't. "Kenny snoring downstairs."
Clementine giggled. She could hear the last one, too. "Okay, now three things you can touch."
"Your hand, m-my shirt, and the stool."
"Two things you can smell?"
Sarah managed to take a deep breath, her tears almost nonexistent by this point. "Um, toothpaste? And...and the fish we had for dinner."
"Good, and..." Clem realized this might be a less-than-pleasant one. "One thing you can taste."
Sarah's expression turned into one of disgust in less than a second. "I threw up. My mouth tastes gross."
"I bet it does," Clem said sympathetically. "Here, count backwards from ten, just one more time. Then we'll take care of you."
One final tear each fell from Sarah's eyes as she closed them tiredly, counting quietly to herself. She maintained deep breaths through every number, still holding Clementine's hand as if afraid she would disappear if she let go.
She opened her eyes, looking very shameful and very apologetic. "I'm sorry," she whispered hoarsely.
"Shh," Clem stopped her right there. "Don't apologize. You're my friend, Sarah. My sister. We take care of each other." She stood up, rubbing up and down Sarah's arm one last time. "I'll be right back, okay? I'm going to get some towels, and we'll clean you up a little. I'll only be a minute. Wait right here."
Sarah still looked a little apprehensive, especially when Clementine let go of her hand, but she nodded. Clem exited the bathroom and made her way downstairs. She smiled in amusement as the sound of Kenny's snoring increased in audibility, coming from the downstairs bedroom where Alvin and Rebecca used to sleep. It was a wonder that AJ, who slept in a makeshift crib in the same room, was able to sleep right through it.
From the kitchen window, she could see where Nick was taking the night watch on the porch, rifle in hand. Surely he was dog-tired from the way he was rubbing over his eyes with his free hand, shaking himself awake. Clem frowned sympathetically; God knew all of them deserved a peaceful night's sleep.
She found the towels in the cabinet and was back upstairs as quickly as she'd come down. Sarah was standing in front of the sink now, having just rinsed the vomit taste out of her mouth. She was the prime definition of exhausted, with her heavy eyes and sleepy gaze; the crying had been a prime contribution to this. The relief on her face was palpable as Clementine returned.
"Brought these for you," the younger girl said. She walked to the sink and ran the water over one of the towels. It amazed her, really, that the cabin had managed to have running water this far in. Of course, she wasn't going to question it.
Sarah gratefully took the cool, damp towel, washing her face free of tears and sweat with a final sniffle. Her eyes were still red and puffy, but it really was night and day compared to how she had looked only ten minutes ago.
"Thanks, Clem," she murmured.
Clementine smiled. "Come on, let's go back to our room before Kenny and Nick realize we're awake."
She gently took Sarah's hand and led her across the hall, back to their shared bedroom. The room where they had first met, seemingly a lifetime ago. Clementine quietly closed the door behind them, the room's only light coming from the late night moon.
"Clem?" Sarah asked, her eyes only half-open. Clementine could tell that she was already beginning to fade into sleep.
"Hmm?" Clem waited patiently for her words as she finished tucking the comforter around the older girl's shoulders.
For a split second, it looked as though Sarah were trying to compose herself, trying to prevent a fresh set of emotions. "I didn't mean to."
Clementine could hear the total remorse in her voice, the self-loathing. She climbed into bed beside her, taking her hand beneath the covers. "Of course you didn't mean to, Sarah," she spoke. "Believe me, I know how scary it is for you. I'll help you through it, you know I will."
"I know," Sarah murmured. She was doing all she could to keep her eyes open, but she was managing. "But...but I woke you up, and-"
"Sarah," Clem cut her off, "it's okay. I don't care if you woke me up. I've been woken up by worse, way worse. If you need me, even at night, I'll be there. Okay?"
Sarah still looked remorseful, but she took Clem's words into consideration. "Okay."
"We should get some sleep," Clem said. "If I'm not here when you wake up, I won't be far away."
Sarah seemed to hesitate, if only for a moment. The possibility of having another bad dream was always there, but if it were to happen, she wasn't alone. It wasn't long until she realized how tired she was, and allowed herself to drift off. "Goodnight, Clementine."
Once Clem was sure she was asleep, she moved towards her and snuggled close. "Goodnight, Sarah." She listened to the sound of the older girl's soft, steady breathing until she, too, was lulled into sleep.
When Sarah awoke the next morning, she was alone in the bed. She felt another rush of panic, wondering where Clementine was. It took her a moment or two to remember the events that had transpired last night, and when it hit her, the embarrassment returned full-force. Her brief panic was put to rest when she heard her friend's voice from downstairs, accompanied by Nick and Kenny.
"Shit," Nick sounded remorseful himself. "I knew I shouldn't have fucking gone out there. I should check on her..."
"She's fine," Clem's voice came next, much to Sarah's relief. "Let her sleep. She had a rough night."
"Damned if I don't know what that feels like." Was that sympathy in Kenny's voice? There was a part of Sarah that was still a bit nervous around him, especially his temper, but they were getting used to each other.
The voices downstairs seemed to quieten, then, because Sarah wasn't able to catch most of the words exchanged. Although she still felt a bit tired - her night had been rough, after all - she sat up and put on her glasses. She felt like she would never get used to the all-too-noticeable crack in one of the lenses, and hated it. Nick had promised her that they would find her new glasses, ones that she could see from. She hoped he could keep that promise, and soon.
Since there was no working clock in here, Sarah looked up at the skylight on the ceiling. She had learned once in school, long ago, that people used to tell time by looking at the sun before there were clocks, and that it was noon when the sun was highest in the sky. It wasn't quite noon according to the sun's current trajectory, but Sarah hypothesized that the others had let her sleep in a bit. If she had to guess, it was probably mid-morning.
"Alright, we're headin' out," Kenny's voice could be heard again. "Daylight's burnin', should be back tonight. You go on and take care of that girl, alright, Clem?"
"I will." Sarah could hear the sincerity in Clem's voice.
Nick said something she couldn't hear, and soon, a door opened and closed. Sarah frowned somewhat worriedly; where were they going? Surely they had mentioned something yesterday, but after her panic attack, the memories of the previous day were a little fuzzy.
Sarah sat quietly for the next few minutes, blanket still wrapped around her. She didn't feel like getting up, not yet, but she also had little desire to go back to sleep. For a moment, despite a sadness that lingered, she felt a sense of calm. Nothing was here that could scare her, no loud noises, no bad people. Just a still, quiet air. She had been right, they were safe here.
She jumped, having allowed her thoughts to wander a little, when the door creaked open. Clementine peeked her head in, her expression turning into one of slight surprise when she noticed that her friend was up.
"Hey, you're awake!" she greeted pleasantly. She stepped into the room, and Sarah noticed that she was carrying AJ, still wrapped in his own blankets. The sight was enough to make the corners of her lips turn upwards. Somehow, seeing AJ always brought a sense of hope. A light in the dark.
Clementine sat cross-legged on the bed, placing the infant on her lap while still supporting him as needed. "How are you feeling? Are you...okay?"
Sarah looked down sheepishly, playing with a loose thread in the blanket. The embarrassment was still clearly written all over her face. "I...you're really not mad at me?"
"What? Of course not! Why would I be?"
Sarah gave her an almost incredulous look. "I woke you up," she said in an "isn't it obvious?" tone. "And...and you had to get up and take care of me when it was really late. I'm so sorry, Clem. I didn't-"
"Hey," Clem cut her off gently. She reached out to take Sarah's hand in hers once again, rubbing her thumb along the back of it. "No more apologizing. You shouldn't be sorry for having anxiety, Sarah. I told you, I'll help you through it."
Before Sarah could reply, AJ began to make small cooing noises, his head turning just a little bit to face the oldest girl in the room. His biggest sister.
Clementine smiled down at him, and then turned to face Sarah herself. "Here, he wants you. Take him."
She picked up the bundle again, gently setting him in Sarah's lap and helping her to support him. If there was anything - or anyone - that could help calm Sarah, it was AJ. Holding him always seemed to put her at ease.
This time was no exception. Sarah still looked a bit ashamed, but her face was noticeably calmer. She managed a weak smile.
"There you go," Clem said, her tone comforting. "See? He wanted to make sure you were okay, too."
"He's getting so big already," Sarah mused. The light in her eyes seemed to return, if only for a fleeting moment, when AJ smiled a toothless smile right back at her. He was another reminder that they were indeed safe.
Clem chuckled. "Yeah. He is."
Sarah looked at AJ for several moments, watching as he looked around his world in a curious manner. All was quiet once again for a minute or so. It wasn't long, however, before Sarah voiced another concern.
"Um, where are Nick and Kenny?" she asked a little worriedly. "I-I heard them leave."
"They went to find some supplies for AJ before it snows again," Clem answered. She gave Sarah a look of reassurance. "Don't worry, they'll be back tonight." She paused. "Nick wanted to check on you. He probably will, when he comes back."
"Oh. Okay." Sarah hung her head once again, shoulders slumped. She hated to worry people, even now.
"Do you...want to talk about it? What made it happen?" Clementine realized that this may have been a dumb question, since Sarah usually wasn't one to want to discuss her trauma. On this aspect, Clem didn't blame her one bit. What broke her heart most was the fact that yesterday had been a good day in Sarah's recovery. They'd played a game of chess, smiling and telling stories. Sarah had even laughed once or twice. It was upsetting, how fast the atmosphere could change.
Sarah made a move to shake her head, but stopped. It wasn't because she wanted to talk about it - she most certainly didn't. Truth be told, she wasn't sure why she stopped.
"I...I don't really remember," she spoke just barely above a whisper. "I woke up, a-and I couldn't breathe and I felt sick and...and..."
This wasn't necessarily a lie. Sarah didn't remember the entirety of her dream, but she did remember running, somebody screaming. They sounded way too much like her father for her liking. Trying to piece it all together would be potential for another attack, and she didn't want to lose the ability to breathe again. That alone was the scariest feeling in the world. She didn't want to die...she didn't want to die.
Don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it...
Sarah closed her suddenly stinging eyes tightly, holding AJ as close as she could without hurting him. She took a few deep, shaky breaths, counting silently to herself. Clem's heart sank as she mentally kicked herself. She placed a hand on Sarah's arm, rubbing up and down.
"We won't talk about it, okay?" she reassured as Sarah opened her eyes again. "Deep breaths. AJ and I are both here."
Sarah breathed in and out until, finally, she was as calm as she could muster. When she was done, she didn't meet Clementine's eyes, instead focusing her attention on the baby laying across her still-covered lap. AJ let out a tiny yawn that was just enough for some of Sarah's anxious thoughts to melt away.
Clem smiled, watching the two of them. "I think he might be ready for a nap soon," she said.
"C-Can I hold him for just a little longer?" Sarah's question was just as innocent as her voice sounded in that moment. She finally looked up.
"Of course, you can hold him for as long as you want." Clem thought for a few moments as she remembered something. "You know, I found something last week that can help you with your anxiety. A book. I've already learned some stuff myself."
Sarah's dark eyes widening in curiosity. "And...it can help me?"
"I think you can learn a lot from it," Clementine explained. "Why don't we look through it today? It'll give us something to do before Kenny and Nick come back, and..." She hesitated before continuing. "Maybe you can help me learn some, uh, bigger words."
Sarah thought it over. She never knew that there were books out there that could help her with what she was feeling. She was also aware that Clem still had a little trouble with certain words, and was more than willing to help her friend. It was the very least she could do after last night.
The ghost of a smile made a return. "I'd like that, Clem," she said.
"Sounds good." Clem nodded her approval. "Hey, do you want to go back to sleep for a bit? I can take care of Goofball for now." Here, she gently scratched underneath AJ's chin, making the baby smile and coo once more.
Sarah gave the idea some thought before shaking her head. She may have been a little tired, but she probably wouldn't have been able to sleep again if she tried, anyway. "No, um, not really," she answered softly. "Um, can we read that book right now?"
"Sure, I can go and find it. Do you want to keep holding him?" When Sarah nodded, Clementine slid off of the bed. "I'll be right back."
Sarah waited patiently, rocking AJ gently the way she'd been taught. No doubt the infant would be ready for sleep before long. He would be too big for the blanket he was wrapped in before they knew it. She remembered how excited she had been when Rebecca was pregnant, and although she had sort of hoped for a girl, she loved him all the same.
Clementine returned as quickly as she'd left, holding the book up for Sarah to see. "Got it."
Sarah, of course, was happy to see her. She watched as Clem made her way back onto the bed, sitting crisscross style as she opened the book. The little girl had just found the page she was looking for when Sarah spoke up again.
"Clem?"
Clem looked up. "Hmm?"
Sarah shyly turned her gaze to her lap. "Thanks."
"For what, Sarah?"
"For taking care of me last night," Sarah explained. Her cheeks turned red from embarrassment. "And...and for saving me, and teaching me new things, and...I wish I were as good of a friend as you are."
Clementine frowned, closing the book. "Do you remember when we first met?"
Sarah gave her a confused look in return, wondering why she suddenly brought this up. But she nodded. "Yeah, I remember. Your arm was hurt because you got bit by a dog."
"That's right. And I needed help. And you, out of everybody, gave me what I really needed. You helped me, Sarah. You took care of me first."
"I...did help you, didn't I?" Sarah lifted her head up.
"You sure did. You've even saved us a couple of times. You might as well be the reason we're all alive, including AJ. You got us to safety when he was born. I'd say that's a pretty good friend."
"Y-You really think so?"
"Absolutely." Clem raised her pinky up, the gesture they had used when they first became friends. "Forever, remember?"
Sarah smiled, then. One of the first smiles to reach her eyes in a long time. Without hesitation, she reached out and intertwined her own pinky with Clementine's. "Forever."
When they released, Clementine seemed to ponder something. After a couple of moments, she moved closer, placing the book in her lap and wrapping her arms around Sarah. She did so gently, as not to startle her.
"Figured you could use one of these, too," she said softly. "I think I owe you more than just that one hug."
After an initial moment of surprise, Sarah returned the hug. She was mindful of AJ all the same, keeping him in support as she did so. It was the quiet, calm moment of safety and sanctuary that the girls both deserved.
"Okay," Clementine said once they released. "Why don't we read this book, now? I think it'll help both of us."
"Okay." Sarah nodded in agreement, moving closer to place her head on her friend's shoulder as she watched her flip through the pages once more.
She remembered something Clementine had said the previous night, just after she'd calmed her down. She'd never had brothers or sisters before, but she had always wanted one, even after her mother passed away. She never knew Clementine had thought of her in that way, and now that she realized it, the thoughts were mutual. Ever since they'd met, they'd been as close as sisters.
A sister. Sarah really, really liked the sound of that.
Clementine finally found the page she was looking for, once again. "Chapter One: Deep Breaths."