Work Text:
Kankuro doesn’t think his siblings have bad taste in men.
Kankuro knows his siblings have bad taste in men.
Shikamaru is tolerable, Kankuro has to admit that. But Kankuro isn’t exactly sure what Temari sees in him, given that a solid three quarters of the words she uses to describe him are negative. Kankuro always gets an earful about how lazy and unmotivated Shikamaru is, and what a big soft crybaby he is, and he’s got to wonder why on earth Temari likes Shikamaru then. Kankuro doesn’t even think Shikamaru is all that bad. He’s pretty smart - okay, fine, that’s an understatement, he’s a genius, whatever - and reliable enough to serve as an advisor to the Hokage. It’s nothing to sneeze at, but Temari seems very fixated on Shikamaru being a lazy and useless puddle of skin.
What really bothered Kankuro about Shikamaru was actually his age. He was three years younger than Temari, and wasn’t she the one who always looked down her nose at Kankuro (literally, when her height allowed it and then figuratively, when he finally got taller than her) that girls matured much faster than boys and that he was a snotty and gross little boy? Kankuro was older than Shikamaru too, so if Kankuro was snotty and gross, what did that make Shikamaru? Shikamaru was the same age as Gaara for fuck’s sake! Did Temari ever think about that? Because Kankuro thought about that a lot! (And whispered “eww” every time he ended up thinking about it.)
Well, whatever, at least Kankuro could accept Shikamaru as a future brother-in-law because he had a good (pineapple shaped) head on his shoulders, and clearly had a brain. And he made Temari happy - yes, Kankuro could tell his big sister was happy between her bitching about how lazy her boyfriend was - and a happy Temari made life easier for everyone. The more he thought about it, Kankuro didn’t have too many complaints.
Gaara on the other hand… well, Kankuro had many complaints.
The Suna Council had brought up marriage more than once to Gaara and Gaara had deflected each time, leaving Kankuro to put on his best poker face while inside he was dying of laughter. Clearly, the council elders had never heard Gaara talk about Naruto Uzumaki before or else they would have picked up long ago that Gaara was definitely gay and arranging a marriage would be a useless endeavor.
Even though Naruto was off the market, Gaara wasn’t exactly on the market either. Kankuro had been quite distressed to learn Gaara had found love, not because he thought the guy was bad for Gaara per say, but…
Well, how exactly could Kankuro describe Rock Lee?
Kankuro thinks if Gaara got even the slightest bit of positive male attention in his formative years (Yashamaru did not count for various reasons), it wouldn’t have come to this. It really was a trip to think that Gaara, his bratty, sociopathic, (literal) demon of a younger brother who used to kill for sport, fell for Rock Lee of all people.
Rock Lee was whirling dervish of green spandex and orange leg warmers and caterpillar eyebrows and a bowl cut and everything about him was so damn loud. Unfortunately for Kankuro, Lee happened to be his loudest while professing his love for Gaara. Kankuro’s poor ears had been subjected to many gooey declarations of love and eternal devotion, often accompanied by overflowing tears, and it made him want to drink poison and end it all. This was of course made worse by Gaara shyly accepting Lee’s ridiculous speeches and affirming their love. It made Kankuro gag. Some of these love fests were so loud and sugary they made Kankuro miss the times when he was afraid Gaara would snap and kill him at the drop of a hat. (But only for a second, no one really missed those times.)
Furthermore, Kankuro was more worried about what was going on in Lee’s head to make him fall in love with Gaara. Did he remember the chunin exams? Did he remember Gaara trying his damnedest to kill him? Kankuro doesn’t know when his brother’s attitude towards Lee changed from, “I need to kill him” to “I want him to fuck me to death,” but he never wants to find out. The less he knows the better it will be for his sanity. Knowing Lee and his mouth and his volume, Kankuro resigns himself to eventually finding out, but he wants to be blissfully ignorant for as long as possible.
“He could do a lot worse,” Temari says offhandedly one day.
“Huh?” Kankuro looks at her. She’s polishing her fan and doesn’t bother looking up to talk to him.
“Gaara could do a lot worse,” Temari repeats. “I know Lee is loud and he’s always bouncing off the walls, but he makes Gaara happy.”
“I know that,” Kankuro grumbles. “I just don’t get it.”
Temari shrugs. “It’s not for us to get. Just to support.”
“Support?”
Temari finally glances up at him. “Yes, support. Does Gaara know you’re okay with Lee?”
Kankuro blinks at her. “Huh?”
Temari sighs exasperatedly. “Have you told Gaara in no uncertain terms that you accept him and Lee as a couple, as nauseatingly cute as they are?” When Kankuro doesn’t answer, she points at the door. “Go do it.”
Kankuro is not a touchy-feely person, and since they’ve all grown closer as a family Temari has really taken up the mantle as the one to talk about feelings. So Kankuro assumes that Temari has already had the icky talk about feelings and acceptance. Since it’s Temari, Kankuro knows she ended that chat with threats to maim Lee if he ever hurt Gaara, and Kankuro decides he’s going to just hammer the point home.
“Hey, you! Eyebrows!”
Ironically, both Gaara and Lee turn in response to that, and Kankuro snorts.
“Kankuro,” Gaara says. “What brings you here?”
Kankuro walks up to Lee and pokes him in the chest. “You’re okay, Eyebrows.” He says. Lee’s brow furrows in confusion. “I’m cool with you. You and Gaara are the cutest shit I’ve ever seen, or something like that. But if you ever break my brother’s heart, I don’t care how fast you can move without those ankle weights. I will catch up to you and I will make you regret it.”
There’s a beat and then Lee’s eyes well up with tears. Contrary to what Kankuro just implied about his speed in comparison to Lee’s, he can’t escape from the bear hug he suddenly finds himself in.
“Kankuro!” Lee bawls, tears and snot leaking onto Kankuro’s face and smearing off his face paint. “I am so honored! I swear to you, I will protect Gaara’s happiness with my life! As long as we share in our eternal springtime of youth, I will…”
Gaara mouths, “thank you,” over Lee’s shoulder and Kankuro just grimaces as Lee continues to wail and snot all over him. At least when he gave Shikamaru the shovel talk, Shikamaru had just snorted and informed him he’d never do anything against Temari because she’d skin him before Kankuro and Gaara even got a chance.
Yeah, if one of his siblings has bad taste in men, it’s definitely Gaara.