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Up until now, Atsumu has never truly been alone.
Whether he’s liked it or not, Osamu has always been right by his side. He was always there when Atsumu wanted to cry himself to dehydration, and he was always there to keep Atsumu from doing just that and by extension giving up his pride.
But now Atsumu’s without witness, and he can shatter his pride and put it back together at his leisure.
And now Atsumu isn’t crying because he’s not the starting setter, and he isn’t crying because he fucked up and lost nationals for the last time, he’s crying because… well, he doesn’t really know why.
He’d like to tell himself they’re tears slipping out because of the joyous liberation of being alone for the first time. He doesn’t have to worry about Osamu getting off the top bunk in the morning and kicking his ribs in. He doesn’t have to wonder why he doesn’t have anymore socks in the drawer. He doesn’t have to try outdoing his brother every time he takes a breath because they’re not on the same team anymore.
Everything’s pretty great, actually. He’s been in Tokyo for two days already, his teammates are talented and passionate which is all he could ask for, and the prospect is going pro is sitting pretty on his fingertips.
So, why the fuck is he crying?
If he’s not lying to himself, he’ll say that lying in the dark and staring at the ceiling is different in Tokyo than in Hyogo. He’ll say that he preferred watching the fan circulate dust when he knew Osamu was lying on the bunk below him.
If he’s being honest with himself, he’ll say that it has something to do with the fact that he feels like he can slice himself open and find nothing inside — like he can stuff himself with glitter and confetti, no problem, because internal organs, blood, and bones? He doesn’t have that shit.
If he’s really being honest with himself, he’ll say that he’s not content with being alone — he’s not ready to be.
But Atsumu would rather lie to himself and say he’s not lonely.
He just hasn’t adjusted yet.
Being a Nice Idiot: Day 3 ✿
As you may presume based on the subtitle, since Atsumu’s good, old-fashioned mental breakdown, he’s realized that he has two major personality flaws preventing him from tackling loneliness and kicking it in the ass.
One: He’s too overwhelmed with pride to give Osamu/ his twin/his best friend/his rival since birth a call and admit he misses him.
Two: He’s an asshole.
So, he’s decided to change — not his pride, of course, but the fact that he’s an asshole.
Thus far into his kindness journey, Atsumu has only had to control himself once when his teammate spiked into the net. He wasn’t rude; he wasn’t quite nice yet either, though he understands that becoming nice doesn’t happen overnight.
Whatever, he’s proud of himself for not showing his new teammate the door. He even thinks reading those ‘How to be Nice’ and ‘How to Make Friends’ wikiHow articles are starting to pay off.
Being a Nice Idiot: Day 6 ✿
Although being nice is a (vaguely) refreshing change, it doesn’t mean that Atsumu automatically obtains a best friend. Or any friends.
So, rather than reaching out and trying to connect with people like a normal person would, Atsumu copes with his loneliness by blasting lo-fi in his AirPods and taking nighttime jogs. Over the past six days, he’s grown to enjoy this therapeutic distraction. The music reverberates through his hollow frame, and the sweat reminds him that maybe he’s not hollow after all.
So does the pain of falling to the grass, on top of another human because the boy wears all black in the ten p.m. dark sky, and Atsumu’s vision isn’t as stellar as he wishes it were.
Fortunately, Atsumu isn’t responsible for the death of anyone because the boy catches himself as Atsumu’s head falls into his shoulder. They’re stationary for a split-second before Atsumu feels his body move from an awkward 150 degree angle to 180, flat on top of the other boy.
Palming the ground on either side of the boy’s head, Atsumu lifts himself up and looks down into intensely blank slate blue eyes.
“Your AirPod fell out.” The boy looks to his right, then his left when he reaches for the AirPod. Atsumu opens his mouth to reply, but he’s at a loss for words when the boy neatly tucks Atsumu’s fallen AirPod back into his ear.
Honestly, if the boy didn’t have such long eyelashes and pretty, curly black hair, Atsumu would tell him that he’s fucking weird, but that wouldn’t be nice, would it?
“You look familiar,” the boy says, his eyes narrowing.
“So do you,” Atsumu replies. He’s seen this guy hanging around Bokuto Koutarou, meeting him after practice, walking him to the gym beforehand.
“I think that you’re Miya Atsumu,” the boy declares. “Please remove yourself from on top of me.”
Atsumu has too many questions to ask and too many ways to phrase them, so he favors silence and wordlessly, he falls to the boy’s right.
“I’m Akaashi Keiji,” the boy answers one of Atsumu’s unasked questions.
Keiji doesn't get up after Atsumu’s side by side with him. Atsumu thinks this is strange too, but he won’t comment on it; besides, he thinks he kind of likes this — the whole lying quietly next to a familiar stranger in the dark thing.
Out of the corner of his eye, Atsumu watches Keiji. He stares at the sky ahead. His chest rises and falls with the slow rhythm of his breath.
Keiji side eyes Atsumu too, but his expression remains unreadable, so Atsumu thinks it's as apt a time as any to hand Keiji an AirPod as a gesture of friendship, or something like that, anyway.
Keiji accepts the offer, his lips curving into the slightest smile. And returning a wider smile, Atsumu inches his hand closer to Keiji’s side until his arm crosses under Keiji’s, and their fingertips touch.
Being a Nice Idiot: Day 10 ✿
Since his twelve days of being away from home, Atsumu has learned to strategically ignore his phone. This means he pretends he never saw the screen light up when his mom texts, but he messages Keiji back almost immediately.
[10:02 p.m.
From: Keiji]
I’m bored
Entertain me
Atsumu likes that Keiji demands what he wants instead of dancing around his needs. Sometimes he isn’t as explicit as Atsumu would like, but that’s because Atsumu can figure out what Keiji means on his own.
For example, when Keiji says, “Entertain me,” Atsumu now knows that he means “I’m going to get high while you sit next to me and tell me about your day, and maybe I’ll share if I feel like it.”
[10:03 p.m.
To: Keiji]
be over in 20 minutes
[10:03 p.m.
From: Keiji]
Too long
[10:03 p.m.
To: Keiji]
running back to the dorm now
gotta shower
[10:03 p.m.
From: Keiji]
Let me come
[10:03 p.m.
To: Keiji]
no
Most of their text conversations so far go the same.
One of them demands company. The other says when he can deliver. The former demands it sooner, and the latter declines.
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
Atsumu stands in Keiji’s doorframe with his hair dripping wet. Inside, Keiji’s on the floor, smiling at Atsumu and screwing closed a bottle of pills at the center of his criss-crossed legs.
“Crackhead.”
“I’d educate you on the difference between crack and Valium, but you wouldn’t listen, would you?” Keiji asks, and assuming it’s rhetorical, Atsumu doesn’t answer as he closes the door and takes his rightful place on the floor beside Keiji.
“Are they yours?”
Keiji laughs. “No, I just took someone else’s pills to feed my addiction.”
Atsumu rolls his eyes and grabs the orange bottle so he can read the label.
Akaashi Keiji
1 tablet 3 times a day
5mg
diazepam
“You lied to me.”
“Sarcasm and lying are different.”
“How do you get high off your own prescription, anyway?” Atsumu asks.
“Easy. I up the dosage and take it less often than I’m supposed to.”
Atsumu frowns. “You’re gonna die like that.”
“Tell me more,” Keiji says.
Atsumu keeps his grip tight around the bottle. “If you keep it up, you’ll want more pills, or you’ll mix with other drugs, and then you’ll overdose, and people will say you died from heart failure, but you’ll have died because you’re addicted to Valium, and I’ll be sad because I’ll have only gotten to know you for four days, and you’ll be dead, and I don’t want my only friend here to die.”
“Oh no, we can’t have that,” Keiji says in a deadpan mock-concern.
Atsumu rolls his eyes and stands up. “I’ll be back.”
“Where are you going?”
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
Keiji stands behind Atsumu, resting his chin on the latter’s shoulder.
Little blue tablets waterfall out of the transparent orange bottle, their plunge pool being toilet water. Keiji watches as Atsumu kicks the handle, and the specs of blue swirl in the water until they disappear.
Keiji’s voice is quieter than usual and tinted with dismay. “I can't believe you flushed my drugs.”
“You’re welcome.” Atsumu stuffs the bottle back into his sweats. “Let’s go.”
Atsumu almost feels bad for ruining Keiji’s last high for a while when he sees Keiji’s little pout and his big eyes, but he tells himself it’s for the greater good. And so, he wraps his arm around Keiji’s shoulders and leads them back to Keiji’s room, where Keiji sits on the bed, curls into a ball, and hugs his knees to his chest.
“Relax.” Atsumu sits next to Keiji.
“That’s what the Valium was for,” Keiji murmurs.
Apparently telling someone to relax when he’s upset that he doesn’t have drugs anymore isn’t very effective. Who would have guessed? On to plan B then. Atsumu scoots behind Keiji and wraps his legs around him. He uses one arm to pull Keiji close to his chest, and the other reaches up so he can pet Keiji’s head. Eventually Keiji leans into his touch.
“I want to be mad at you, but I feel like sleeping and maybe crying,” Keiji sighs, “so fuck you.”
“Whatever.” Atsumu relaxes, too. He lies back against the mattress, pulling Keiji with him, and he lets his hands lie lazily on Keiji.
“Don’t stop petting me.”
“You remind me of this cat that used to sit outside my house and hiss at me if I took my hand off of her.”
“I’m sad.”
“Misusing drugs isn’t that much fun after the first time, anyway,” Atsumu says in a shitty attempt to comfort Keiji.
“What do you know?”
“I liked oxy.”
“So do I.”
“I was speaking in the past tense for a reason,” Atsumu laughs even though he probably shouldn’t. “It went to shit, so Osamu flushed all my pills and he told me he’d spit on all my clothes in my sleep if I tried to get a refill.”
“That’s lame.”
“It was less lame after the withdrawals were over.” Atsumu lets Keiji splay his limbs on the bed, but he puts his hand over Keiji’s, and Keiji laces their fingers together. It’s sweet, but Atsumu still wears a sadistic smirk when he says, “Enjoy your next day before the vomiting starts.”
“I’m not going to go into withdrawals.”
“You’ve taken pills every night that I’ve been over.”
“I used to not.”
“Accept it.”
Staring at the ceiling is different in Keiji’s dorm room from in Atsumu’s. It’s warmer here, not because the fan is still, but because dark hair tickles Atsumu’s neck, and limbs tangle with his own. Atsumu likes the warmth, holding Keiji close to him when Keiji guides their laced fingers towards the center of his chest.
He likes the weight, too. It feels like he’s being depended on, even if he’s not, and he likes the thought of being depended on because that implies human connection.
Connection feels good. It makes his heart flutter and his cheeks warm. It makes Atsumu squeeze Keiji’s hand tight and lean his head into Keiji’s.
“Goodnight,” Keiji whispers.
Atsumu rakes his fingers through Keiji’s hair again. “Goodnight.”
Being a Nice Idiot: Day 14 ✿
Usually, Atsumu stays after formal practice to send Koutarou a couple (read: upwards of thirty) extra tosses, but today, instead of begging Tetsurou to stay and block for them, Koutarou throws his arm around Atsumu’s shoulders, and tugs on his shirt to pull him close into a whisper. “We have a problem.”
Now, Atsumu knows he’s been doing a damn good job of treating his teammates with respect upon arrival in Tokyo, so he can’t possibly imagine what kind of problem Koutarou would have with him, and just as he begins to throw Koutarou off of him, Koutarou stops him with a needy stare. Annoying.
“You need to come with me.” Koutarou releases Atsumu, presumably expecting him to follow.
“Where ya goin’?” Tetsurou asks, arching an eyebrow.
“You can come too,” Koutarou says chirply, continuing his urgent strides out of the gym.
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
Okay, maybe Atsumu retracts his previous statements about wanting to be depended on.
For a lack of a better image, Atsumu stares straight ahead at the toilet tank. He pats Keiji’s back and tries to breathe out of his mouth instead of his nose. He ignores Koutarou and Tetsurou’s laughs.
“Told you it would happen,” Atsumu finds triumph somewhere amidst the disgust.
Keiji doesn’t answer, but he leans over the toilet again, and Atsumu pretends like he doesn’t hear what comes next.
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
[2:27 a.m.
From: Keiji]
I could kill you right now
[2:27 a.m.
To: Keiji]
lol
don't forget to drink your water
and give me hourly updates
going to sleep gn
[3:08 a.m.
From: Keiji]
Drank water
Shitting my brains out
[4:23 a.m.
From: Keiji]
Want to die
Going to fall asleep on the toilet
Maybe not
Kuroo and Bokuto-san are snoring loud
I’m bored and disgusted
I still mildly hate you
I’ll play candy crush until you wake up :(
[8:03 a.m.
From: Keiji]
Slept for an hour
No longer shitting and vomiting
They’re awake
And annoying
Hands are still shaking but autocorrect has my back lol
I’m going to clean the bathroom and shower
And go to my 10A hopefully
Meet me at 12?
[9:16 a.m.
To: Keiji]
sure
meet me in the quad
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
There are dark circles under Keiji’s eyes, but he holds a reusable water bottle and a smile. Atsumu sits beside him on the bench, and he smells much better than last night, like mint and lavender.
“What’re you smilin’ about?” Atsumu asks.
“I usually take my pills when I know there’ll be a quiz, but I didn’t take them because you’re a prick, and I didn’t spiral into anxiety, and I think I ruined the curve.”
“Fucking up other people’s GPAs gives you satisfaction?”
“A tremendous amount, yes.”
Atsumu smiles.
Being a Nice Idiot: Day 23 ✿
Sometimes Keiji doesn’t text first. Sometimes he shows up at Atsumu’s door and makes himself at home, but he’s only ever done it when Atsumu’s already been in his dorm room.
But tonight, Atsumu comes back from his run, and Keiji’s sitting on his bed, eating his hot fries.
Atsumu doesn’t try to hide that he’s annoyed because honestly, he was really looking forward to the hot fries, so he grabs his towel and shower caddy and says “fuck you,” before leaving.
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
When Atsumu returns, the bag of hot fries is clipped up, half-empty, and Keiji is half-asleep lying down on Atsumu’s bed.
“How’d you get in here, anyway?” Atsumu asks.
“It was unlocked.”
Atsumu doesn’t say anything, but he growls.
“And I stayed because I saw snacks.”
Atsumu figures there isn’t any point in arguing over it, so he tells Keiji to close his eyes when he hangs his towel up.
“I bet you’re thinking you’ll just eat all my snacks later, but think of the hot fries as your compensation to me for taking my drugs.”
“I didn’t take your drugs, I just... gave ‘em to the fish.”
“Now when I eat fish, I’ll be wary that I’m second-hand consuming Valium. Thanks. Can I open my eyes?”
Atsumu isn’t fully dressed, but he figures Keiji won’t care. “Yeah, whatever.”
“Oh, you look pretty shirtless.”
Atsumu blinks at Keiji, once, twice, thrice. “I feel sexualized.”
“My bad. Come here.” Keiji pats his lap and smiles welcomingly.
Atsumu opens his mouth to tell Keiji not to talk to him like a dog, but he ends up sitting on Keiji’s lap and saying, “Whatever. Hold me and tell me that I’m pretty again.”
Being a Nice Idiot: Day 31 ✿
Atsumu’s friend count has increased to three since Akaashi Keiji and Bokuto Koutarou are a package deal, and Bokuto Koutarou and Kuroo Tetsurou are also a package deal.
“Hey, if I receive your next jump floater, you have to answer any question that I ask,” Tetsurou yells from across the court. Atsumu doesn’t think anything of it because he just wants to play volleyball, so he nods and serves. It’s both comforting and annoying to know that his teammate can receive his serve with almost no problem.
But Tetsurou’s impish smile effectively erases any semblance of comfort.
“What?” Atsumu asks, meeting him at the net.
“What’s the deal with you and Akaashi? You got a crush on him?” Tetsurou’s grin grows wider upon seeing Atsumu’s countenance switch between irritation and confusion.
“What the fuck?”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
“Why do you care?”
“I just like starting shit,” Tetsurou shrugs with his stupid smirk.
Atsumu bites his tongue and walks away.
[4:47 p.m.
To: Keiji]
your friend is annoying
[4:47 p.m.
From: Keiji]
I know
Which one?
[4:48 p.m.
To: Keiji]
kuroo is worse
[4:48 p.m.
From: Keiji]
You can always serve to the back of his head
[4:48 p.m.
To: Keiji]
but i’m 31 days into my nice streak
i didn’t even call him a bitch or anything are you proud of me
[4:48 p.m.
From: Keiji]
Of course I am
Want me to do it?
[4:48 p.m.
To: Keiji]
yeah
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
Since his suggestion that they run together (instead of Keiji waiting in the dorms) approximately a week ago, Atsumu has taken four jogs with Keiji, all of which have been silent.
Tonight, like usual, Atsumu and Keiji share AirPods, but Keiji reaches into Atsumu’s pocket to knock the volume down about three times, so they can talk. “What's with your nice streak?”
“Why? Feel bad that you almost concussed him?” Atsumu asks.
Keiji shakes his head. “He’s had that coming for years. Answer my question.”
“In middle school, ‘Samu told me that everyone hated me and that he wasn’t going to be like me, he’d live a life of kindness. I didn’t care back then ‘cause I still had him and Aran, so I wasn’t lonely, or whatever, but when I got here, I felt like something was missin’, and I decided to be nice, so I could make friends who could fill whatever was missin’. Get me?” Atsumu takes his eyes off of what’s ahead of them to look at Keiji, so Keiji holds his back and guides him away from running into trees.
“Did you find what you were looking for?” Keiji asks, eyes still looking ahead because he knows Atsumu’s aren’t.
“It goes away when you’re gone,” Atsumu shrugs, and his blush fails to hide his own surprise and embarrassment at his honesty.
“Yeah, loneliness doesn’t just vanish once you have company.”
“I don’t get it though,” Atsumu frowns.
“What? That the fulfillment goes away? Or why you feel like something’s missing?”
“Both. I don’t know why I’m telling you about this, either,” Atsumu grumbles.
“I would hope it’s because you trust me.”
Trust. That’s an unfamiliar concept. Atsumu wouldn’t say he’s ever truly trusted anyone to do anything before. Expected is a better verb.
But Keiji looks into Atsumu’s eyes for a split second, and they make him feel safe. Calm. Happy, even. Maybe this is what trust feels like. “Guess so.”
“Feel free to tell me how you feel again.”
“It doesn’t bore you?”
“No, I like you,” Keiji’s voice is so sincere, and Atsumu finds it awfully magnetic. Maybe that’s why he likes holding Keiji’s hand so much.
“Cool.”
Being a Nice Idiot: Day 43 ✿
”You got a crush on him?”
Atsumu almost says, “Go die” out loud at the thought of Tetsurou’s provoking smirk, but he catches himself and leans back into Keiji instead. Keiji sits against the foot of the bed, running his fingers through Atsumu’s bleached hair in silence.
“I wanna talk about feelings,” Atsumu says. “I feel emptier when you’re gone than I did before I met you, and I think that’s weird.”
“I suppose I feel sadder when you’re gone now than I used to feel when I was alone before, too.”
“Don’t leave me then.” Atsumu throws his head back, so he can look up at Keiji.
“I won’t.”
“Existing is really easy with you, but feelings are way more complicated here.”
“Feelings are always complicated.”
“Let’s delete them.”
Keiji responds with a short laugh, and his eyes darken, and he leans closer as if they weren’t already close enough, and fuck. What’s happening?
Atsumu doesn’t stop him. If anything, he pushes closer. Even after Keiji closes the gap between their lips. He pulls on Keiji’s hair to make sure he stays close.
It feels more like they’re nonverbally communicating feelings that they can’t articulate than it feels like they’re making out. It feels pretty fucking awesome. Like they understand each other so much more. Like Atsumu knows why he’d feel so upset whenever Keiji would leave. Like Keiji’s known all along.
But Atsumu is an idiot who doesn’t remember how to breathe, so he has to pull away.
“I think you’re so beautiful,” Keiji whispers.
Atsumu is also an idiot who forgets how to speak, so he stares dumbly at Keiji instead of answering him.
“Did that clear anything up?”
“I mean, yes, but it kind of made it worse.”
Keiji sighs, sitting up and holding Atsumu close to him. “You tell me things that don’t make sense, and you blow off my kiss. What do you want from me?”
Atsumu knows this isn’t the time to be a cocky prick, but still, he laughs. “Is that resignation I hear?”
“Fuck off.”
“I kissed you back; I didn’t blow you off.”
“Why did you stop?”
Atsumu is glad he doesn’t have to maintain eye contact when he’s sitting in Keiji’s lap because he’s not ready to tell Keiji that it was his first kiss, nor is he ready for Keiji to read it off of his face before he can say anything. “Don’t worry about it.”
“You don’t have to tell me now, but later, you will.”
“Make me,” Atsumu sticks his tongue out, forgetting that Keiji can’t see.
Keiji gently yanks Atsumu’s hair to pull his head back, and he uses his index finger to guide Atsumu’s chin toward him. “Kiss me again.”
“Don't tell me what to do.” Atsumu grabs Keiji’s hair and pulls him into a kiss anyway.
Being a Confused Idiot: Day 7 ✿
It’s been a week since Keiji kissed Atsumu. It’s been a week since Keiji first kissed Atsumu. It’s been ten minutes since Keiji last kissed Atsumu. And since then, Atsumu has had an epiphany.
He is in love with Akaashi Keiji.
And that’s why he feels so… full of warmth and happiness or even simply content when Keiji’s around. That’s why he’s started to feel that way even when Keiji’s gone. Even if Atsumu’s alone, Keiji’s present in Atsumu’s mind, and he knows they’ll be together again soon.
So, “I concede,” Atsumu says, flipping the both of them over so Keiji is back down against the bed, and his wrists are on either side of Keiji’s face.
“Where did you learn big words?”
Atsumu glares at Keiji instead of vocally recalling when Keiji was noogying Tetsurou, and Tetsurou had finally had enough. “I’ll be your boyfriend.”
“I never asked you to be my boyfriend.”
Similar to during their first kiss, Atsumu’s brain seems to stop working. Before he lets himself collapse on Keiji (and maybe tell Keiji that he thought that their romance was all already understood, and maybe cry for an hour or two), Keiji interrupts him.
“I want you to be my boyfriend, though. I’ll be yours too, of course.
“Keiji, you’re so mean.”
“Because you flushed my drugs.”
And now Atsumu collapses on his boyfriend. “I only did it ‘cause I care about you,” he mutters into Keiji’s shirt.
“I know. You give me a better high, anyway.”
“I’ve never felt this way about someone before. I hate it.”
“You’re so cute.” Keiji squeezes Atsumu against his chest and kisses his head. “Fuck, I love you.”
“Yeah, I love you too.”
Being an Admittedly In-love Idiot: Day 5
Tonight, Atsumu and Keiji lie side by side in the grass, sharing AirPods with lo-fi (because Keiji saw the place they met and decided to recklessly push Atsumu down during their nightly jog, but whatever).
This time is a little different. They’re still smiling while looking into each other’s eyes, and Atsumu’s arm is still crossed under Keiji’s.
But this time, their fingers are laced together.
This time, Keiji is silent, and Atsumu talks. “I think you’re beautiful, too.”
And this time Keiji smiles with his teeth.
“And I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Atsumu continues.
And this time Keiji reaches over and hugs Atsumu despite their interlocked fingers.
Oh, fuck.
Atsumu is so in love with Keiji.
Atsumu cries — not because he’s a fuckup, not because existing can be lonely, not because he’s knows Osamu isn’t going to wake him up in the morning by kicking his ribs, not because he knows there’ll be socks in the drawer, not because being in Tokyo is freeing on so many levels, but because he’s with someone who makes him so happy that he can’t think of any way to show it other than bawling his eyes out.
Tonight, Atsumu doesn’t mind crying.