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Yoon Jeonghan had always been a pain in the ass, but usually Boo Seungkwan could manage. Priding himself as a “professional”, Seungkwan kept giving his best performance as Pledis High School Theater Club’s actor, despite constant strife with the club’s director.
But today, during a script reading for their next play, Seungkwan almost lost it.
“Something’s missing....” said Jeonghan solemnly, his chin on his right palm.
The scene was one of the last and most crucial moments in the story. Minjun (played by Seungkwan) was escaping the government facility with Jongin (played by Lee Chan), a fellow-hostage-turned-love-interest. The set was at the edge of a water dam, and the cornered pair were about to jump into the water.
It was just a reading so there were no set yet. Later they would have to step up onto “the dam”, but now they were just standing on an empty stage, holding each other’s hands. Seungkwan tried to control his irritation and involuntarily gripped Chan’s hand a little tighter. He could sense his co-star squirming but didn’t have time to whisper an apology because Jeonghan started to speak again.
“I got it!” Jeonghan said, his eyes sparkling. Uh-oh, nothing good ever came out when his eyes freaking sparkle.
“A kiss.”
“Huh?” Seungkwan couldn’t help but showing his confusion.
Before he could question Jeonghan further, their club’s scriptwriter, Jeon Wonwoo, spoke up from behind Jeonghan. Wonwoo’s quiet but clear voice surprised Seungkwan. He thought Wonwoo wasn’t even in the room! But that’s typical Jeon Wonwoo. A master of hiding his presence, everyone called him “guru”.
“But that’s not in the script,” said Jeon Wonwoo with a hint of question in his tone.
Jeonghan responded with a wave of his hand and a series of assurance about how his brilliant idea would work.
“So, hold hands, say the lines, kiss, and then jump. Got it?” said Jeonghan, eyes still glinting.
From the corner of his eyes, Seungkwan could see Minghao, their artistic director, giving him a sympathetic smile and Mingyu, their costume director, half-amused half-pitying look. Not helping at all.
Seungkwan turned his head to see Chan looking back at him. He could see that Chan feigning composure, obvious from the sweat running down his forehead and the way his eyes waver. Good Lord, Seungkwan internally bemoaned about his circumstances.
Don’t tell me he’s also inexperienced!
Here’s the thing. Boo Seungkwan prided himself as an actor. Sure it’s just a high school theater club, but every time he saw the audience cheered and his club members smiling after a performance, he became determined to do better and better.
Unfortunately, Seungkwan was new to kissing so he couldn’t be confident this time. Hell, he had zero experience in kissing. Not once in his 16 year old life. He’d rather jump off the school rooftop than admitting this.
“Okay, okay.” He got his acting mode on and faked nonchalance.
To his left, Chan widened his eyes. “We’re doing it? Now?”
“It’s just a reading, no need to do it now ,” Seungkwan rolled his eyes, even though he actually wanted to cry.
“O-oh, okay.” Chan looked relieved at his answer and seemed to relax as they continued with the reading.
On the other hand, Seungkwan had to put a lot effort to concentrate and ignore the loud “YOU’RE HAVING A KISSING SCENE” attacking his head.
***
“Are you serious about this?” asked Chan.
Seungkwan and Chan were in an empty room at the southern part of extracurricular building. It used to belong to the flower arrangement club, which closed several years ago due to lack of members. It was right at the end of the corridor, and the nearby photography club room was empty because the members were out for hunting photos.
“Why would I joke about it?” Seungkwan snapped back. He really wished Chan wouldn’t be so difficult and just do it!
Chan squinted at him and Seungkwan replied with a glare. The staring session lasted for a moment until a cheeky smile appeared on Chan’s face.
“I see what this is about... You’re making excuse just to kiss me.” The confidence in Chan’s voice made Seungkwan wanted to puke.
“Dream on.”
“Then why are we here.”
“To practice, duh.”
“It’s just a kiss, why practice.”
“It’s an important scene. It has to be perfect. ”
Chan didn’t reply for a while and Seungkwan felt his curiosity intrigued. Why was he quiet? What’s with that look?
“Fine,” Chan ultimately said. “How are we doing this?”
Chan was finally cooperating, and yet Seungkwan didn’t feel at ease. He really didn’t want to do this! Showing his inexperience and giving away his first kiss....
But Boo Seungkwan didn’t back out from what he started. Never. So he prompted Chan to start from the beginning of the problematic scene. Chan shrugged before taking position and delivering his lines. In an instant, he was no longer Lee Chan but Jongin. The swiftness in change made Seungkwan able to get into his role as Minjun easily.
When the moment came, all lines were said and their hands intertwined with each other’s, Seungkwan started to slip out from Minjun. His eyes wavered from Chan’s eyes and Chan’s lips, not knowing where to look. His hands felt disgustingly sweaty and he’s dying at the thought of Chan feeling his sweat through their handholding.
“Oi.” Chan called out. “So?”
It took all of Seungkwan’s strength to not crack his voice. “So we kiss.”
“Yeah... but how...?”
Seungkwan’s snort sounded painfully awkward. “Have you never kissed before?” Seungkwan wanted to scold himself for saying that but he let out a stiff laugh instead.
Red was creeping up Chan’s face. “I’ve done enough to show you how kisses are properly done.”
“Oh, really.”
“You’ll see.”
“Right.”
Seungkwan saw Chan pouting, which was actually pretty cute, but then Chan suddenly took a large step to close their distance. He could feel his own body trying to avoid, but his stubbornness refuse to run away, and so he gripped Chan’s hand tighter in an attempt to keep himself still.
“Okay, let’s practice.” Chan’s breath hit his nose and Seungkwan forced himself not to shiver.
He was determined to keep his eyes opened, but at some point his eyelids shut themselves closed. His whole body was tense, and it felt like his heart was trying to jump out from his throat.
It felt like eons before he heard Chan’s voice calling his name. Slowly he opened his eyes and realized that Chan’s face was no longer an inch in front of his. They’re not even holding hands anymore. Chan had his hands on Seungkwan, shaking him softly.
“Seungkwan, are you okay? You’re shaking.” Concern colored Chan’s voice. The sincere worry in his eyes made Seungkwan no longer felt like pretending anymore.
“Arghhhh, this suckssss!!!” Seungkwan whined as he dropped to the floor. “It’s just a kiss, for God’s sake! Ugh!”
“Wow, Seungkwan, take it easy.” Chan also dropped to his knees as he tried to console Seungkwan.
“I’m going to ruin it!!”
“It’s going to be fine!”
“No!” Seungkwan looked at Chan with resignation. “I’ve never kissed anyone before! They’d know, and it’s going to look ridiculous!”
“It’s fine!”
“How can you say that?!”
“I’ve never kissed anyone either!”
Seungkwan stopped whining to take in the sight. In front of him, Chan looked stunned at himself, and then threw his face to his right.
“...but you said—“
“It was a lie.” Chan said quietly, still not meeting Seungkwan’s eyes.
Seungkwan let out a huge sigh. He had suspected it but didn't think he'd be right about it. “Great. We’re both inexperienced. We’re going to suck.”
“No.” Chan turned his head to look at Seungkwan once again. “That’s why we practice. Right?”
After a few moments of silence, Seungkwan nodded.
“My first kiss...” He whined quietly as he got off the floor.
Chan also got back on his feet. With a self-depreciating smile, he said, “Sorry it had to be me.”
“Wha--? No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just the place, the setting. It’s a deserted club room. I imagined something more romantic, you know?”
Seungkwan tried to explain himself but Chan waved him off.
“You could’ve had your first kiss with some boy like Vernon,” Chan continued with his mocking tone. It’s weird to hear it directed to Chan himself.
“Huh? Why are you belittling yourself?" Seungkwan frowned.
"And besides, Vernon?" The mention of his best friend's name didn't actually surprise Seungkwan. The two of them were very close, to the point that the whole school had this crazy idea that they were dating. The social-butterfly and drama club star, with the eccentric but handsome half-American skateboarder. They got people talking.
"I’ve known him since we’re both in diapers, that’s gross.”
Chan shrugged and threw his face away. Somehow it got to Seungkwan’s nerves.
“Hey.”
He saw Chan reluctantly turning his head, and when their eyes met once again, Seungkwan lunged forward.
The touch was brief, as it was just a peck. There was no tingling, no spark like in the books he’d read. Disappointment crept into Seungkwan’s chest, but he quickly brushed it away because that’s not important now.
“Done. There goes our first kiss. Not that hard, eh?”
Chan just blinked at him and said nothing. Seungkwan was about to give some witty remarks but Chan beat him first by laughing loudly. Seungkwan thought that even though his first kiss experience was lousy, this moment wasn’t so bad after all.
***
Just a peck each time, but it certainly brought change to their acting. They no longer jolt nor squirm when practicing the kissing scene. It reached a point that they were even calm enough to discuss the angle and manner of the kiss, experimenting to get what's the most convincing kiss for their characters at that particular story development.
Kissing isn't such a difficult thing! Seungkwan thought as they ended a practice session one afternoon. He looked at Chan who was gathering his stuffs on his left.
It's actually a nice thing to get used to… Kissing… Him…
Seungkwan realized the implication of his thoughts just as Chan looked up from his bag. Their eyes met and Seungkwan found himself tilting his chin up, waiting.
He saw Chan leaning forward and felt the familiar softness on his lips. The weird thing was Seungkwan actually felt his cheeks burning up. Maybe it's because it didn't feel like Jongin kissing Minjun. It felt like Chan kissing Seungkwan.
''What was that….?" asked Seungkwan in a small voice.
Chan looked surprised but Seungkwan wasn't sure whether he's suprised at his question or their kiss just now.
"...it's practice."
Seungkwan couldn't get Chan's blushing face out of his head all day.
****
"Hey."
Chan didn't seem to hear his voice, which made Seungkwan worried even more.
His co-actor didn't seem like himself today, thought Seungkwan as they walked out of the school hall. The play is in two weeks and they just did the first rehearsal. On stage, Chan showed his best as Jongin. But once out of the spotlight, Seungkwan couldn't recognize the Lee Chan he knew. There was noncommittal reply instead of snarky remark, dull gaze in place of the usual vibrant spark.
Seungkwan tried to call Chan again, but there was still no response. So he grabbed Chan's left arm and dragged him around the hall building. Chan only gave a weak protest at the beginning and gave up too quickly. It only made the worry grew inside Seungkwan.
By the time they reached the empty ground behind the school hall, Chan was quiet. It's almost creepy how pliant he was.
A languid "What?" was the only word that came out from Chan's mouth.
Seungkwan sighed in frustration. "What happened?"
Chan tensed for a split second, then dismissed Seungkwan's question with a simple "Nothing" and a shrug.
''Oh come on, you can act a thousand times better on any other day. What's wrong?"
Then it was Chan's turn to sigh. Fatigue colored his breath. "Be nosy somewhere else, Seungkwan."
"And just leave you brooding like this?"
"It's got nothing to do with you."
"Well it does!" Seungkwan's outburst made Chan furrowed his eyebrows.
"It does--" Seungkwan continued before Chan could respond. "--whatever it is, because it made you like this and I'm worried! It absolutely has everything to do with me."
Creases were gone from Chan's forehead. Now his face was filled with surprise. The sudden change confused Seungkwan, but then, after the surge of feelings were gone and left him with his reasoning, Seungkwan started to realize what he just said a few seconds earlier.
"I--"
"I'm sorry." Chan cut Seungkwan's attempt to explain himself. "I just thought that people would think it's stupid, so I didn't want to tell."
Seungkwan stayed silent. Now he felt bad for pushing Chan. He was about to apologize, but Chan spoke up first.
"Taco… He's my family dog…'' Chan lowered his gaze to the ground, but continued his words. "Been with me since I was 5, and yesterday he--" Chan choked. "It was so sudden, though I know he's that age, but…''
Seeing Chan like this, voice almost disappearing and body shrinking under the sadness that surrounded him, made Seungkwan wanted to hug him. And he did just that.
''I would never!" said Seungkwan as he wrapped his arms around Chan's back. "Losing a family member is not a stupid thing, and you deserve to feel sad."
He could sense Chan tensing in his arms, but it was only for a brief moment before the tension left and Chan leaned into Seungkwan's hold. A dull, fleeting pain greeted his right shoulder as Chan's chin hit the flesh, and then followed by something wet. Seungkwan just let it be and kept his arms on Chan's back.
Chan's cry was silent. It's as if he was determined to not show it to Seungkwan. Even when the tears dried, Chan rubbed his face before pulling away from Seungkwan's hold, leaving just slight redness on his sclera for Seungkwan to see.
"Thanks."
Chan looked slightly embarrassed but he brought his gaze up to meet Seungkwan's. The sincerity in those orbs urged Seungkwan to take Chan's face between his palms and pressed his lips to the top of Chan's head. "It's okay," he whispered.
Chan didn't pull away.
***
"HEY!"
The voice seemed to originate from across the hall, but loud enough for Seungkwan to hear from the stage. It sounded familiar, but the anger and confusion mixed in it made Seungkwan unsure.
He pulled his face away from Soonyoung's and turned towards the audience seats on his right. On the aisle between the chairs was Chan, stomping as he hurried towards the stage.
"What are you doing?!" Chan demanded with a glare. Seungkwan felt Soonyoung pulling away his hand from Seungkwan's and it reminded Seungkwan that they were holding hands.
"Hey, Chan. Mr. Kang finally let you go?" Jeonghan's easygoing tone betrayed the tense atmosphere brought by Chan's outburst.
''Yes, he's done, and I'm back." Chan no longer yelled, but he still sounded horrified. When he turned back to Soonyoung, he even looked hurt. "Why are you trying to kiss him?"
"Wha--No! I wasn't going to kiss him for real!!" Soonyoung tried to explain himself but Chan didn't look convinced.
A bit confused and very fed up with Chan's strange behaviour, Seungkwan chimed in. "We were testing the lighting and blocking, you're on duty at teacher's office, so we--"
Chan cut him with words Seungkwan didn't expect.
"You can't kiss anyone else!"
The words filled the hall, followed by a split second of silents, and then low whistles and cheering from the other club members. Blush started to creep up Chan's face and Seungkwan could feel himself getting red too.
"Are you two dating?" Someone asked from somewhere behind Seungkwan.
Seungkwan and Chan answered at the same time. "No" and "Not yet". The cheering and buzzing grew louder and Seungkwan wanted to teleport out of here. Meanwhile Chan's face was still slightly pink but he didn't move his gaze away from Seungkwan.
"What do you mean 'not yet'??" hissed Seungkwan.
It's not that Seungkwan had not thought the same. They had a connection and Seungkwan would love to be more. He'd thought of ways to confirm Chan's thoughts on it, but he didn't expect to get the answer here, in the student hall, with the whole theatre club watching.
"You're into our kisses." Chan said with a his signature smugness, which Seungkwan always found irritatingly endearing in a weird way, but now it's more annoying than adorable. The crowd disregarded Seungkwan's feelings and continued to cheer.
"Who knows, maybe I just like kissing."
Seungkwan just wanted the cheering to stop. He got what he wanted, but seeing Chan's sad face brought regret to Seungkwan's heart.
***
The hall was empty but the two of them. Jeonghan had everyone else get out. Seungkwan was grateful and also sorry, but it wasn't they could just resume rehearsal in this state.
Despite his grand entrance earlier, now Chan sitting on the edge of the stage looking dejected and small, as if Seungkwan's words were a hammer that hit him until he shrinked. The thought made Seungkwan feel worse.
He walked towards Chan and plopped himself down on Chan's right. Chan was staring at the audience seats and Seungkwan followed his gaze. Seungkwan let his own sight be filled by the seats' red fabric while his head worked hard to think of what to say.
Moments passed and Seungkwan was getting more and more frustrated for not finding the right words. It's getting unbearable and so he decided to just say the first thing that came to his mind.
"I'm sorry!"
"Sorry!"
To his surprise, Chan said the same thing. When Seungkwan turned his head, he saw Chan looking surprised.
"What are you sorry for?" asked Seungkwan, genuinely confused. "I'm the one who hurt you."
Chan looked at Seungkwan as if he just spoke an alien language. "I forced my feelings on you." Seungkwan hit his arm for that.
"I was embarrassed!"
''Yeah, I know," said Chan. "In front of many people, from a guy you don't even like--ouch!"
Chan's words were cut short because Seungkwan hit him again. Harder.
"I didn’t mean what I said," gritted Seungkwan. It's frustrating how clueless Chan looked, and even more frustrating is how Seungkwan couldn't just go straight to the point.
"I’m not into the kissing ." Seungkwan tried hard. "I’m into kissing you . I mean, not just the kissing but you , in general. Like, you know, just, get it okay??"
Chan just blinked a few times, looking kind of dumb (a cute dumb), and Seungkwan was about to hit him again when a cheeky grin appeared on Chan's face.
"So…''
"What?"
"You like me."
"I said that already."
"Not exactly, but I get it."
''You--"
''So we're, uhm, boyfriends."
Chan suddenly looked unsure again and Seungkwan let out a huge sigh.
"I will smack you again if we're not."
Chan laughed with so much joy that Seungkwan couldn't help but smile broadly.
"HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS DONE MAKING OUT YET?" Mingyu's voice came from the slightly opened door on the other side of the hall, reminding Seungkwan that they were in the middle of a rehearsal.
''WE'RE NOT--"
Seungkwan stopped when he felt Chan's hand covering his own.
"What?"
"We haven't made out."
"Duh. We got work to do."
"You said you like kissing me."
Chan had that grin again and Seungkwan wanted to wipe it off so bad, he grabbed Chan by the back of his neck and pressed their lips together. Even as footsteps filled the hall and the whistles and cheering were back, Seungkwan let himself melt into Chan's lips.