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I don't mind, my head's in the sky
Thinking of you, feeling for you
It was a pleasant summer day. The fierce sun was full of radiance, but the refreshing breeze prevented it from getting extremely hot. Tachihara decided it was the perfect opportunity to go outside and enjoy the delightful weather.
The park was crowded with energetic kids and their tired parents. After walking around for a few minutes, he managed to find a vacant area that was far enough so that he couldn’t hear the children’s loud screams.
Tachihara rolled out his blanket on the grass and laid down on it. Resting his head comfortably on his hands, he looked up at the sky. It was a brilliant blue and was complimented with some soft and fluffy clouds.
He thought about the precious times he spent with Tanizaki at this park. Picnics, painting dates, admiring the sunset, stargazing, they all happened here. He fondly remembered how Tanizaki used to point at clouds and say “Michizou, that one looks like you!”
No matter how hard Tachihara looked at those clouds, he could never see it. They were always just cotton balls to him. But now he finally understood, because every cloud he looked at resembled Tanizaki.
It's cold right now, I miss you for life
It's not going away, I thought I'd be okay
Winter used to be Tachihara’s favorite time of the year. He loved the cold weather since it meant dressing warm, sleeping with woollen blankets, and never leaving the house. It was also the holiday season, so it would always be the perfect time to watch the Christmas specials on TV and drink hot cocoa. Not to mention attending multiple family gatherings and hanging out with friends throughout the season. He looked forward to it every year.
But this year it felt different. This year he wasn’t spending his holiday season with Tanizaki. He wasn’t cuddling with him under the heavy blankets or kissing him under the mistletoe. They weren’t baking cookies together or walking around the neighbourhood to look at Christmas lights.
When asked what he wanted for Christmas he couldn’t share what he truly desired. He wanted—no needed Tanizaki. He needed to feel his warm embrace. He needed to see his comforting smile. He needed to hear his soft voice. He needed to be loved.
For the most wonderful time of the year, Tachihara was feeling pretty miserable.
Oh baby, and oh baby, I’m trying
I can’t erase your picture from my head
Tachihara was seven shots in when he started feeling sick.
His head was pounding furiously, and he could not stop crying. Ragged tears were just continuously running down his face like a broken faucet. His nose was also starting to get stuffy, and it was becoming hard to breathe.
Tachihara went inside the bathroom and took a good look at himself in the mirror. He was almost unrecognizable. He hated the person he had inadvertently become. His health was at its worst. He looked and felt like absolute shit. He was full of so much anger, but just as much sadness.
He also knew Tanizaki wouldn’t want to see him like this.
Tanizaki.
No matter how many shots he took, he couldn’t seem to get Tanizaki out of his head.
But temporarily, the unbearable pain used to feel whenever he thought about ex-lover wasn’t there, and that was good enough.
Oh, maybe you took over my mind
I can’t erase your picture from my head
Tachihara started seeing Tanizaki everywhere he went.
He saw Tanizaki in the joyous laughter of children, in the busy chaos of crowded subways, and in the pleasant smell of coffee.
Everytime a redhead passed him on the street, all Tachihara wanted to do was run back to them to see if it was Tanizaki. Of course, he knew it wasn’t. Despite that, deep down, some part of him really wanted it to be.
I still think about the time
The time I spent just trying to grow with you
Baby, I was out of line
But you weren't there, you weren't there
“Hey Junichiro, it’s been a while,” Tachihara took a deep breath. “I’m sorry it took me so long to visit.”
“Oh right, I brought diamond lilies, your favorite flowers.” He gently pulled out a bouquet that he brought with him. “I did some research and diamond lilies mean ‘I’m looking forward to seeing you again.’ Did you know that?”
Tachihara sat down in front of Tanizaki.
“I’ve been seeing you around lately. Especially when there’s crowds. I didn’t know if it was actually you or just a figment of my imagination, but I’m always hoping that it’s actually you.” Tachihara paused to take another deep breath, “that’s actually why I came here today. I wanted to see you, the real you, so maybe I would stop seeing you everywhere else. Do you think it’ll work?”
“I know you’re not going to reply to me. But if you were, it’d be something along the lines of ‘Michizou. You look like trash. Get it together.’ Am I right?” Tachihara let out a small laugh, “Trust me, I’m trying.”
“Remember how we’d constantly talk about our future together? What the theme of our wedding would be, what names we’d give our children, the number of dogs we’d adopt. I’ve never told you this, but I’m actually not good with dogs, I was willing to get one for you though.” He smiled to himself.
“Damn, this sucks. I was really looking forward to growing old with you, Junichiro. I never really liked the idea of getting old. Becoming a parent, and then a grandparent, and then dying, I just couldn’t see myself living like that. But I didn’t mind doing it if it was with you. Every second I spent with you is a second I wouldn’t trade for the world. I guess that’s why I’m missing you so much. God, that was so cheesy.”
Tachihara felt a lump starting to form in his throat.
“Listen, I’ll keep this short because it’s getting hard to think right now. You always talked about past lives. You used to tell me all the time you believed I was a rockstar in my past life. Then I used to joke around and say that in your past life you were one of my groupies that I ended up falling in love with. But recently, I can’t help but wonder if it’s true, you know? Like what if in every life we live, we meet each other?”
Tears started falling from Tachihara’s sunken eyes.
“Well, obviously we weren’t too fortunate in this life, huh? I hope our next one has a happy ending.”
‘J. Tanizaki.’
Tachihara traced over those letters slowly, one by one, with a bittersweet smile on his face. He stared at his ex-lover’s gravestone one last time before getting up and leaving.
“I’m looking forward to seeing you again, Junichiro.”