Archive of Our Own

2014

January 31st

11:47pm 

13 minutes to go.

Doyoung sits on his bed, legs crossed and a finger rapidly tapping his knee. Every few seconds he would check his phone for the time but the minutes were going by oh so slow.

11:52pm

8 minutes to go.

Soon, Doyoung couldn’t stand sitting still any longer. He stands and starts pacing around the minimal area available in his bedroom. The room was lit with only the small lamp by his bed bathing the room in a warm soft glow. Doyoung would usually find it calming but he doubts anything could calm him now.

11:57pm

3 minutes to go.

Doyoung has to hold himself back from checking that small spot on the inside of his right upper arm. He knows the skin there is still bare, it isn't time yet.

11:58pm

2 minutes to go.

He places his palm over the area. Maybe he'll feel when it appears.

11:59pm

1 minute to go.

Doyoung doesn't think he could get anymore anxious and yet he feels as though his chest is about to burst open as his heart jumps out of it.

It’s Friday night, Saturday in a minute, and Doyoung has been anxiously awaiting for this moment since he woke up. Actually, no. He's been waiting for days, weeks and months for this day, this moment. He had gone through the day, and all his classes, in a daze (not the best idea considering it’s his final year and he’s got college entrance exams coming up).

He had been distracted. He has no idea what his friends had chattered on about during lunch, barely even remembers what he ate for lunch. He came home and tried to do some homework, tried to make up for his disinterest during class, but he gave up after 5 minutes. He’d then tried to catch up on some tv. He’s going to have to watch it all again, he can barely remember half of it.

February 1st

12.00am

He’d been waiting for this moment and yet suddenly Doyoung couldn't look. His left hand was still glued to his arm, on that special spot. He didn’t feel anything change. He didn't feel any different. He knew though that the skin under his hand was no longer bare. Doyoung is now 18 years old, officially an adult, and he now has his soulmark. There is now a letter on his arm telling him what his soulmates name starts with. Doyoung could hear the buzzing of his phone, no doubt blowing up with birthday messages from his friends but he hardly cared. He could only think of his soulmark.

The soulmark wasn't always this daunting to Doyoung. He had learnt about it as a child, had known that everyone has one. It was nothing to be afraid. Why would you be afraid after all? Who would say no to a cosmic helping hand at finding your soulmate.

But, this was before Doyoung had fallen in love. Now he has so many concerns and worries running through his mind. What if his mark was the wrong letter? It wouldn't be the wrong letter though. The soulmark couldn't be wrong. It was unheard of. It would be Doyoung that was wrong. What if he wasn't his soulmate? Doyoung didn't even want to imagine the possibility.

Doyoung closes his eyes and says a quick prayer to whatever gods would listen. He opens them again and takes a deep breath before finally removing his hand from over his soulmark.

Doyoung was wrong. Instead of a J like he had hoped, there was a Y in swirling elegant lettering. He was wrong and Doyoung feels like he can’t breathe anymore, the air stuck in his throat and refusing to flow.

A year he had spent hoping, wishing and praying for a J but he was wrong.

Doyoung blinks and he feels wet droplets slide down his cheeks. He tries to breathe but instead sobs wracked his body. He wipes at his face, willing the tears to stop but they won’t. Throwing himself on the bed, he buries his face in his pillow and hopes that none of this is real.

2013

February 11th

Johnny's birthday was on the 9th but it was a Saturday so Doyoung didn't get to see him until the Monday after, at school. Doyoung had of course sent him a text at 12 on the dot but he wanted to say it in person.

Doyoung doesn’t get to see him until lunch. He walks into the cafeteria and instantly sees Johnny surrounded by all his friends, mostly upperclassmen that Doyoung didn’t know well. Unsurprisingly, Johnny is friends with everyone. Doyoung’s sure that even if Jaehyun hadn’t introduced them, they would have become friends anyway.

Jaehyun walks up beside him. “Johnny hyung!” he yells across the cafeteria. He starts waving his arms wildly, trying to grab his attention.

Johnny looks over, smiling when he notices them. He says something to his friends before making his way towards then.

“Happy Birthday!” Jaehyun says as he gives Johnny a hug and gives him a pat on the back. When Johnny pulls away he ruffles Jaehyun's hair while thanking him.

Johnny moves to hug Doyoung next. He wraps his arms around Doyoung’s shoulders and pulls him close. Doyoung returns the embrace, wrapping his arms around Johnny's waist. Doyoung hooks his chin over Johnny's shoulder and wishes him a happy birthday in a much less boisterous fashion than Jaehyun.

“Thank you, Doyoung.” Johnny replies before pulling away. They're not embracing anymore but Johnny keeps him close with an arm slung around his shoulders.

“How was your birthday, hyung?” Doyoung asks.

Johnny’s face brightens. “It was great! The entire family came over and grandma made all my favourite foods. It was a lot of fun.”

“Hyung, did you get your soulmark? What is it?” Jaehyun ask eagerly.

Doyoung smacks Jaehyun across the stomach. Johnny starts laughing beside him and Doyoung can feel him shaking against him. “You can’t just ask people that!” Doyoung scolds.

“Why not?” Jaehyun huffs. “It’s not like we’re strangers!”

“It’s rude and invasive. Mind your own business!”

“It could be my business! Maybe I’m his soulmate,” Jaehyun says and this send Johnny into a laughing fit.

He’s laughing so hard now that Doyoung is the only thing keeping him standing. His mouth is spread in a wide smile and his eyes are crinkled up. Doyoung can’t help but think he looks cute like this. Jaehyun looks a little offended at how hard Johnny is laughing.

“I’m sorry, Jaehyun,” he manages to get out between laughs. “You’re not my soulmate.”

“It’s your loss,” Jaehyun replies petulantly.

Not even five seconds pass before Jaehyun asks again. “So what is it, then?”

Doyoung moves towards him, arms outstretched and ready to doll out some physical punishment but Johnny restrains him with an arm around his waist.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I don’t mind,” He placates as he holds Doyoung in place. He’s practically giving Doyoung a back hug now as he rests his chin on the crown of his head.

“It’s a D,” he says.

‘Doyoung starts with a D’ is the first thought that comes to Doyoung’s mind. He can feel his eyes widen and his face feels hot and Doyoung is glad that Johnny can’t see him. He can only pray that Johnny can’t hear or feel his heart rate picking up.

At first Doyoung was a little confused by his own reaction but as the moments pass and he considers the idea of being Johnny’s soulmate, he realises that he doesn’t mind the idea. More than that, he actually likes it.

Doyoung doesn’t know how he didn’t realise it sooner, but he wants to be Johnny’s soulmate.

2014

Doyoung startles awake as the light hits his face, groaning in discomfort at it’s brightness.

“I know it's your birthday but if you sleep any longer your first meal of the day will be lunch and then you'll have missed the special breakfast I made you,” his mother says as she forcefully pulls the blanket off him.

Doyoung whines and curls up into a fetal position. He had struggled to get to sleep that night. His mind had kept running in circles and he was sure that he had gotten very few hours of sleep. Even the few hours he had gotten had been restless. He wants nothing more than to go back to sleep and pretend the world doesn't exist.

His mother refuses to let this happen.

She leans over him and gives him a kiss on the forehead. “Happy birthday, my son.”

She sits on the bed next to him and Doyoung shuffles over to give her more room. She reaches over, pushing the sleeve of his shirt up and reveals his new soulmark.

She brushes her fingers over it, her touch gentle as if she might hurt him by pressing any harder. Soulmarks don’t work that way. They appear and it’s as if they were always there, just invisible to the world.

“My baby is all grown up.” She says it fondly but Doyoung can hear a hint of sadness in her voice.

Doyoung moves so his head is resting in her lap. He pushes his face into her stomach and hugs her around the waist. Doyoung doesn’t want to grow up. He wants to go back to before his soulmark had appeared.

His mother starts running her fingers through his head. She doesn’t say anything but Doyoung knows that she can sense he isn’t feeling great. She’s always been able to read him like an open book. She doesn’t say anything though. She lets him wallow and take comfort in her presence and he’s grateful for it.

She doesn’t let him wallow for long though. Soon she’s pushing him away and ordering him to get up and get dressed. Doyoung knows better than to disobey her, even on his birthday, so he does as she asks while moaning and groaning all the way. He may have to do as she says but he doesn’t have to be happy about it.

***

It’s later in the afternoon that Jaehyun shows up on his doorstep. As soon as Doyoung opens the door, Jaehyun is flinging his arms around his shoulders and yelling birthday wishes far too close to his ear.

Ordinarily Doyoung would instantly push him away and yell at him for being loud but Jaehyun actually gives really great hugs and Doyoung could really use one right now. He wraps his arms around Jaehyun’s waist and takes comfort in the warmth of his friend. Jaehyun is a welcome distraction.

As soon as Jaehyun lets him go Doyoung is holding his hands out, palms up. “Where’s my present?”

Jaehyun looks excited as he steps back outside and returns with a box. It’s a big box. It’s an ordinary brown cardboard box that might have been disappointing if it weren’t for how large it was. When Jaehyun plants the box in his hands he discovers that it’s quite heavy too.

Doyoung takes the box and moves to the couch, dropping it on the coffee table with a thud. Jaehyun closes the front door and follows, taking a seat beside him.

Doyoung doesn’t want to wait any longer so he tears the top of the box open. He’s greeted with the site of an entire collection of stationary. Everything matches with patterns of bamboo and bale blues, greys and pinks. Doyoung starts digging through the box eagerly. Its filled with various storage boxes and drawers, notebooks, a clipboard, a memo block and a pen cup. There’s even a matching glass drink bottle. It has a simple pattern of triangles all around it in blue and the lid is made of bamboo. Doyoung absolutely loves it.

“Do you have a boner yet?” Jaehyun asks. He’s grinning smugly because he knows he did a great job with Doyoung’s present.

Doyoung ignores the crude question and pulls Jaehyun in for another hug. Jaehyun laughs as he reciprocates. Doyoung isn’t one to be overly physically affectionate so Jaehyun is more than happy with this response.

Jaehyun watches as Doyoung goes to start rearranging his room with all his new stationary. After that they spend their time snacking, chatting and watching whatever happens to be on TV at the time (it’s not like they pay attention anyway).

Some American action movie is playing as the two eat dinner. They’re sitting on the floor, backs against the couch, as they eat fried chicken. They’re halfway through eating when Jaehyun finally asks. Doyoung’s surprised he lasted this long.

“So, I was hoping that you would tell me yourself but I guess not.” Jaehyun nudges him in the side. “Tell me about your soulmark.”

Doyoung takes a deep breath, using the brief moment to contemplate his answer. He knew that Jaehyun would ask and he had spent all day debating internally about what he would say. In the end, Doyoung decides to keep it vague.

“It’s safe to say that I have not met them yet,” he replies. He avoids eye contact with Jaehyun, focusing on his food instead.

Jaehyun must sense his unwillingness to talk further on the subject so he moves on quickly. Doyoung is grateful.

Maybe if he ignores it, it’ll stop being real and he can go back to the way things were. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel so crushed and defeated. He knows his hopes are futile.

Jaehyun stays over so late that he ends up just spending the night. This has happened so many times that no one’s surprise. Doyoung’s glad for it. Jaehyun’s presence helps ground him. The more time he spends with Jaehyun the less time he has to think about Johnny and that’s exactly what Doyoung wants and needs right now.

Jaehyun sleeps in his bed with him. They’re both too big for this and his bed too small but they’ve been doing this for so long that anything else would feel wrong.

Jaehyun falls asleep first and Doyoung is left to his own thoughts. As expected, they immediately turn to Johnny. Doyoung has spent the last year, maybe even longer, imagining himself as Johnny’s soulmate.

When people talk about their soulmates, they always talk about how they were drawn to them. Like they were the opposite poles of two magnets. Doyoung had felt that way about Johnny. Foolishly, he had allowed himself to hope. Now that he knew it wasn't true, Doyoung feels lost. It feels like his heart, his entire being, was telling him one thing and the universe was telling him another.

Doyoung’s last thought as he falls asleep is that he’s really glad Johnny has already graduated. At least he won’t have to see him everyday knowing that they are not soulmates. He wouldn’t have to see him and know that there was someone else out there, someone better for Johnny than himself.

***

When Doyoung wakes up the next day, the first thing he does is check his phone. Jaehyun is still asleep next to him and he has to reach over his sleeping figure to where his phone lays on the table. It’s exactly where it had been laying for the entirety of the day before. He had avoided it like the plague knowing that Johnny would have texted.

It was a new day though and Doyoung had to start pretending like he is okay.

He opens his phone and finds several birthday messages. He skips all of them and goes straight to Johnny’s.

Happy Birthday DOIE!!!!!!!!

I’m sorry I can’t be there but I promise I'll make it up to you next time I come home.

You’re finally 18. An official adult! (don’t worry i know it doesn’t actually feel any different).

Some words of wisdom from your generous hyung: It’s okay if you still feel like a kid. You don’t just turn 18 and suddenly become an adult. Becoming an adult is a process and the truth is you may never truly feel like an adult (I know I don’t, though I am only a year older than you) and that’s okay. It’s okay to be unsure, you just need to keep going. I know I've said this to you before but I’ll say it again. I might not be where you are right now but I’m always here for you. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.

Happy birthday once more to my dear Doyoung.

P.S don’t tell Jaehyun I got this sappy. I was supposed to write something funny but this came out instead.

When he finishes reading it, he reads it again. Then he reads it once more. He feels warm all over but his chest is tight and heavy.

Doyoung takes a deep breath before replying.

Thanks Hyung!! I’m sorry for not replying sooner, I had a busy day.

Just so you know hyung not being here is not a good excuse for not getting me a present. Jaehyun already gave me his and it’s tough to beat so you better step up. Also he will absolutely, most definitely, be hearing about your sappiness. Hyung, don’t worry about me and worry about yourself. Your in uni now, don’t slack off!! I’ll see you next time you come home.

Doyoung has just pressed send when Jaehyun starts to wake up beside him. He lifts himself up before lowering him face directly over Jaehyun’s until there are only a couple centimeters between them. Jaehyun opens his eyes and for a moment his eyes are unfocused and hazy. The next moment he’s jerking fully awake, face contorted in shock and fear. He lets out a very unmanly shriek of terror that sends Doyoung into a fit of laughter. He falls back on the bed and Jaehyun finally realises what’s happening.

“You have to stop doing that,” Jaehyun whines as he smacks Doyoung across the stomach. Doyoung just continues laughing as if Jaehyun hadn’t said anything at all.

Jaehyun leaves after breakfast and Doyoung spends the rest of the day building up his resolve and making a plan.

He has a year. A whole year without Johnny (mostly).

Next year Doyoung will be off to university. Unfortunately for Doyoung, Johnny happened to get accepted to the same one Doyoung wants to go to. Doyoung doesn’t want to go anywhere else so, he has a year. A year to get over Johnny. He’ll spend it not thinking about him, not thinking about soulmates in general and focusing purely on studying. And then, when he finally goes off to university, he’ll be okay. He’ll be over it and he will be able to move forward. It couldn’t be that difficult considering Johnny wasn’t his soulmate. It’s just a crush.

***

Doyoung thought he was doing okay. Just as planned, he focused on his studies. Studying more meant less time to think about Johnny and soulmates and as a bonus his grades improved. A flaw he had not foreseen in his plan was that everyone in his grade was also turning 18 so soulmates were on everyone's brains more than usual. But that was okay. When conversations shifted to soulmates Doyoung simply withdrew himself from said conversation. He made sure to always have his own soulmark covered, never wanting to attract attention.

Doyoung thought everything was going great. That was until Johnny came home for his mid year break. They had texted back and forth while he was gone but Doyoung had kept himself in check. He kept his texts polite and short. Never too deep, never too personal. It had been difficult at first. Johnny had been a huge part of his life and Doyoung’s life felt emptier without the older man's presence. It was necessary though for Doyoung to move on and he really thought that he had started to.

He was wrong.

Johnny shows up on his doorstep, a small long box in his hand and a smile on his face.

“Happy very, very late birthday!” he sings happily.

The first thing that Doyoung notices is his hair. It’s different now. He’s dyed it black. It’s his natural hair colour so it shouldn’t be so shocking but he’s had it brown for so long that Doyoung had forgotten what he looks like with black hair. He looks good. He looks fucking great. What makes it worse is that while Johnny had let his hair grow longer, he had also gotten an undercut. Apparently, Johnny with an undercut is unspeakably hot. To top it all off, Johnny had gotten bigger. Clearly the man had started going to the gym.

Doyoung feels like his end is near. Doyoung is 98.0525% sure that he must have done something horrible in his past life. Something like kill a bunch of puppies. Maybe he was a more successful Cruella De Vil. It was the only explanation for why the universe would not let him move on.

Looking at Johnny now, Doyoung knows that he has not at all moved on. The black hair, the undercut and the muscles didn’t really matter. The most beautiful thing about Johnny is his smile. He could have shown up looking exactly as he had before when leaving for university and Doyoung would still be in the exact same position he is in now because Johnny would still have his smile and apparently that was all it took to send Doyoung’s heart racing. A smile was all it took to bring back all the emotions he had spent months shoving down into the depths of his heart and soul, so deep that Doyoung had thought they were starting to fade.

Doyoung is an absolute fool. He should have known it wouldn’t be that easy.

Box still in his hand, he engulfs Doyoung in a hug, his arms wrapped around Doyoung’s shoulders and humming happily. Doyoung has missed this he realises. Missed how warm it feels to be wrapped in Johnny’s arms. The feeling of his breath against his neck. The smell of his hair as it tickles his cheek.

Doyoung let’s himself indulge. He wraps his arms around Johnny’s waist and holds him tight. Let’s himself forget, for just a moment, the reality of his relationship with Johnny. Lets himself imagine, for just a second, that he could spend his life with Johnny.

When he lets go, Doyoung immediately feels the loss but he ignores the heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach and does his best to plaster a smile on his face, hoping that Johnny doesn’t notice it isn’t entirely genuine.

He holds the box out for Doyoung to take. It’s a simple white box, a silver ribbon wrapped around it. Jewelry, Doyoung thinks, maybe a bracelet.

Johnny watches him eagerly as Doyoung pulls the ribbon loose. As it comes undone the ribbon slips loose from his fingers and falls. Before Doyoung can react Johnny is plucking the ribbon out of the air, before it even hits the ground. Doyoung watches as Johnny brings it up and wraps it around Doyoungs wrist, finishing it off with a small bow.

“Pretty,” Doyoung hears him mutter. He feels himself flush. He tells himself that Johnny is obviously talking about the ribbon and not Doyoung. He hates how easily swayed he is by the simplest of things.

Johnny looks back up at him. “Open it,” he nudges.

He lifts the lid off and sitting in the box is a pen. It’s simple but stunningly beautiful. It is a soft white ivory colour with gold detailing around the base and on the cap. It’s elegant and graceful and absolutely perfect.

Doyoung looks up at Johnny, mouth opening to thank him but Johnny is speaking before he has a chance. “You have to open it.”

“What?”

“Open the pen,” Johnny insists.

Doyoung is confused but he does as Johnny asks. He lifts the cap of the pen to find, instead of the ballpoint tip he was expecting, the golden nib of a fountain pen.

Doyoung’s chest feels full and warm. There are tears welling up in his eyes.

Doyoung had only ever talked to Johnny about fountain pens once. He has always wanted one but they’re so much more expensive than regular pens and he couldn’t afford it with the meager savings of a high school student. He had never asked his parents, knowing they would balk at the price of one. He knew they wouldn’t understand what was special about a fountain pen.

He had mentioned it once, over a year ago now, when Johnny was still in school with him. They had been in the library during lunch, finishing off some last minute homework. Doyoung’s pen had run out and he’d needed to borrow one of Johnny’s. Johnny always had the worst pens. They would drag across the paper, the ink flow inconsistent and the pen itself uncomfortable to hold. Doyoung knew a fountain pen would never treat him this way and he had said as much to Johnny.

It was one conversation from so long ago and yet Johnny had remembered.

Doyoung tilt’s his head up, looking at the sky and willing the tears to go back to where they came from.

Once confident his tears would not fall, Doyoung looks at Johnny once more. He curls his free hand into a fist before punching Johnny in the arm. He ignores the yelp of pain he lets out. “This is too much,” he says before turning around and walking back into the house.

Johnny follows behind him, rubbing at the sore spot on his arm and kicking the door shut behind him.

“I didn’t get you anything,” Doyoung calls over his shoulder as he walks into the kitchen. He carefully sets the box down on the table before turning on the kettle and grabbing two mugs.

“Doie, how could you hurt me like this?” Doyoung can hear the exaggerated pout in his voice.

Doyoung hears the click of the kettle turning off so begins preparing coffee for the two of them. He knows exactly how Johnny likes it. Black with lots of sugar, the exact opposite of Doyoung.

“I didn’t even know you were coming,” Doyoung says as he stirs the sugar into Johnny’s cup. “Plus, I’m a poor high school student.”

Doyoung startles as he feels Johnny rest his head on his shoulder. “Excuses, excuses! You’re gonna have to make it up to me.”

Doyoung pretends like his heart isn’t about to leap out of his chest and he prays that Johnny can’t feel it’s rapid pace.

He finishes making his own coffee (lots of milk, no sugar) and shrugs Johnny off his shoulder before handing him his own mug.

The two make their way to the living room and settle on the couch. Doyoung makes sure to keep some space between them.

“How exactly should I make it up to you?” Doyoung asks though he already knows the answer.

A cheeky smile makes its way onto Johnny’s face that Doyoung can’t help but smile fondly at.

“Make me your famous kimchi fried rice with eggs around it!”

***

By the time Johnny leaves a few hours later, Doyoung is sure that any progress he may have made towards moving on from him is completely lost. That is if there was even any to begin with. Maybe Doyoung had just been deluding himself the entire time.

He wasn’t sure what to do anymore. There wasn’t really anything he could do. Johnny was here for a couple of weeks during his break and they already had plans to meet again. Doyoung could cancel. He could seclude himself until Johnny left. He doesn’t deserve that though. This is Doyoung’s problem to deal with.

And he will deal with it somehow, after Johnny leaves again.

***

The following two weeks are like a dream. Doyoung let’s himself indulge. He spends as much time with Johnny (and Jaehyun) as he can and he lets himself enjoy it.

Doyoung didn’t think it would do any harm. Sure, Doyoung loves Johnny but he wasn’t even his soulmate so how deep could his feelings really be. Logically, the feelings he has for Johnny should pale in comparison to when he meets his soulmate.

This is what Doyoung tells himself over and over again. Knowing this, believing this, doesn’t stop the how crushed he feels when Johnny leaves again.

That night, after bidding Johnny goodbye, he lays awake in bed. The bed never seems to warm up. It feels cold, empty and lonely. Doyoung is usually good at being alone. He’s been alone all his life. But tonight, Doyoung wants someone beside him. He wants someone to hold him close and keep him warm. Someone to hold his hand. He wants Johnny.

Doyoung can’t help but think about how Johnny had not once asked him about his soulmark. He tries not to think about how it’s probably because Johnny doesn’t think Doyoung could be his soulmate.

***

Johnny leaves and everything goes back to normal. Or as normal as things can be anyway. Doyoung goes back to pretending like he isn’t in love with Johnny. He pretends that his heart isn’t broken. He pretends that he doesn’t wish Johnny was his soulmate.

He returns to his normal routine. He focuses on his studies and getting into his dream university. He avoids any, and all, talk of soulmates. He returns to only minimal conversations with Johnny.

Doyoung is good at pretending. He shoves his feelings down and focuses on what he can do and what he can achieve.

That’s the plan for now. Then, when he gets to university, he can find his true soulmate. When that happens, his feelings will have no choice but to go away.

Months pass by. Sometimes everyday feels gruelling and never ending. Other times weeks will pass in the blink of an eye. There are nights where he sleeps soundly and others where he has to muffle the sound of his crying in his pillow.

Eventually, graduation approaches and Doyoung receives the notification that he’s succeeded. He’s going to the university of his dreams. He chooses not to focus on the fact that this will mean being close to Johnny once more.

He lets himself be happy and he celebrates his victory.

2015

“What are you doing?” Kun asks as he flops onto Doyoung’s bed beside him.

“Hmm,” Doyoung mumble, too focused on his phone to pay attention to his roommate.

“I’ve never seen you focus on something so hard before.”

Doyoung looks over at his roommate. Over the last month he’s realised that it’s impossible to ignore Kun. The man has a way of getting what he wants. Doyoung doesn’t know how. He’ll just sit there and look at Doyoung. It’s not even really a stare, he just looks and waits. Doyoung can’t defend against it. They had ended up fast friends.

Doyoung sighs, wishing he wasn’t being interrupted but also knowing there’s no avoiding Kun. He moves his phone over so Kun can see the screen.

Kun furrows his brow. “Is that ABCupid?”

Doyoung nods. “My goal for university is to find my soulmate.”

Kun laughs at that. “Right! And graduating is just a bonus along the way.”

Kun takes a closer look at his profile.

Kim Doyoung, 19

“You haven’t written anything in your bio.”

Doyoung smooshes his face into his bed and groans. If he suffocates to death, he won’t have to deal with any of this.

Doyoung can hear Kun laughing at his misery. “Okay, let me help. Let’s start with photos.”

Kun started scrolling through his phone. “Why do you have so many photos of the same pose?” he asks, showing Doyoung a picture of himself with a peace sign held right in front of mouth.

“I look cute like that,” Doyoung replies, mildly offended at Kun’s question.

Doyoung huffs when Kun doesn’t reply. He simply continues to scroll through the photos.

Kun selects a photo. Doyoung’s looking straight at the camera, his big gummy smile on full display. “This is cute. Makes you look friendly.”

“I am friendly!” Doyoung protests.

Kun ignores him again, continuing to look through more photos.

He stops at another. It’s one that Jaehyun had taken of him at a restaurant. Doyoung was looking off to the side while sipping on his drink through a straw, the action making his cheeks look extra plump. The photo is so simple and ordinary, he doesn’t understand why Kun would choose it.

“It’s grounding,” Kun explains. “It feels like getting a glimpse into your life. You look nice but it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to come off as perfect.”

Doyoung doesn’t totally understand what he means, but he trusts Kun so he lets him select the photo.

Doyoung watches over his shoulder as he continues to scroll. He has so many photos, he really should clean out his gallery.

“I like this one,” Kun says, selecting another photo.

The photo is warm and intimate. It shows Doyoung waist up in a simple white shirt. He’s looking down and he has a hand in his untidy hair. It looks like he’s deep in thought. It’s one of Doyong’s favourite photos of himself.

What makes it special is that it was taken by Johnny. He had been over at his house again during his break last year. The two had just been hanging out in Doyoung’s bedroom, Doyoung sitting on his bed as the two chatted. Johnny had brought his camera along and would randomly snap some photos. Sometimes it was of Doyoung, sometimes it wasn’t.

Doyoung hadn’t paid him any mind. It wasn’t unusual for Johnny to carry his camera around with him and Doyoung had grown used to being one of Johnny’s subjects. Honestly, he quite liked it. It made him feel as though he was the sole focus of Johnny’s attention. Even if it was just for a second.

Doyoung didn’t see the photo until weeks later. Johnny was back at university and Doyoung was back to pretending he wasn’t in love with him. He had sent the photo to Doyoung one afternoon. He didn’t say anything after sending it and Doyoung didn’t reply. He did, however, save the photo to his gallery.

Doyoung shakes his head, eyes still focused on the photo. “Not that one.”

He can feel Kun’s questioning gaze on him. He hopes Kun won’t ask, knowing that he would end up spilling everything. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Kun. They may have only met a month ago but Doyoung knows he can trust him. He just doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to think about it. He would rather go on pretending it wasn’t real. He hasn’t even talked to Jaehyun about it and he knows that it’s unhealthy, knows he should open up to someone instead of bottling it up but he’s afraid it will hurt too much. He doesn't know if he can put himself back together if he lets himself fall apart.

Thankfully, Kun doesn’t ask. He simply continues scrolling, looking for a different photo. They end up settling on one showing Doyoung in an open field. His arms are spread wide and his face is turned towards the sun.

“It makes you look adventurous. Outdoorsy!”

Doyoung scoffs. “That’s very misleading considering I would almost always prefer to be on my bed.”

Kun waves his comment away. “Time for the bio.”

“Yeah, I was working on that for twenty minutes before you came.”

“There’s nothing there,” Kun deadpans. He sighs when Doyoung doesn’t respond. “Okay, think about what you’re looking for in a soulmate. What would you like to do with them?”

Doyoung takes a minute to think before he has an idea. “I want someone who will come with me to get bubble tea.” Doyoung ignores the flash of a memory of doing just that with Johnny.

Kun nods as he types away. “That’s good. Keep going.”

He hums as he thinks. “Someone who doesn’t mind me singing a lot.”

There's a small noise of confirmation as Kun continues to type. Doyoung closes his eyes and tries to imagine what he would like to do with his soulmate. The image that comes to mind is simple. It’s him and his soulmate laying together on the couch and napping as sunlight streams through the windows and warms them. Doyoung doesn't focus on how familiar the figure beside him is.

Doyoung tells Kun his idea. He smiles at him fondly. “That’s really sweet.”

They continue until Kun deems the bio done and lets Doyoung reads it over.

“It’s good but isn’t a bio supposed to be, I don’t know, quirky? Something eye catching or sexy?” Doyoung asks.

“It doesn’t have to be. I think it’s more important that it reflects who you are. Besides, this isn’t tinder. You’re trying to find your soulmate, not get fucked.”

Doyoung laughs. “Why not both?”

***

Doyoung is surprised at how quickly he starts getting matches. It’s only been a couple days but his inbox has five messages waiting for him. He hasn’t replied to any of them yet, hasn’t even read them yet. He would never say it aloud but Doyoung’s a little terrified.

He’s nineteen now but he’s never been on a date, never had a boyfriend and never been kissed. Some might think it strange but the first and only person Doyoung has ever been interested in is Johnny. He lets his anxieties get the better of him, he doesn’t check the messages and he pretends he never installed the app in the first place.

Doyoung is sitting on his bed, back leaning against the headboard and with a textbook open on his lap when Kun gets back.

“You’re back later than usual,” Doyoung says in lieu of a greeting.

Kun hums in acknowledgment. “I ran into my friend Yuta from the international students club and we decided to get coffee.”

Doyoung nods in understanding. The name Yuta sounds familiar. He knows he’s heard it before but he can’t place where. He figures it can’t be all that important and he goes back to reading the textbook. The only sound filling the dorm is Kun unpacking his bag and the Doyoung’s occasional turn of a page.

Some time passes before Kun speaks again.

“How’s the soulmate search going?”

Doyoung freezes at the question before sheepishly looking up at Kun. “It’s not,” he says quietly.

Kun tilts his head in disbelief. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve been busy,” Doyoung blurts out. It’s a flimsy excuse but it’s the first and only one that came to mind.

Kun gives him the look. The ‘you can’t keep anything from me, why do you even try’ look.

Doyoung doesn’t know why he bothers trying. He gives in with a sigh.

“I’m scared,” He says simply.

Kun stops what he’s doing and moves towards Doyoung. He takes a seat beside him and it squishy, the bed not wide enough for two adult men, but they make do. Doyoung doesn’t mind the slight discomfort as it’s far outweighed by Kun’s comforting presence. Kun slings an arm around his shoulders and waits for him to continue.

“I’m scared that it won't work. That I won’t find my soulmate. What if I go through everyone on that app and I can’t find them? What happens after that? What happens if I never find them? It’s painful, being alone right now, but how much worse would it be if I look and look and never find them. At least now I have the hope that they’re out there.”

Doyoung knows he’s being irrational but he can’t stop the thoughts running through his mind. It hurts to be in love with someone not meant for him and to possibly feel this pain for the rest of his life is terrifying to him. Then there’s the possibility that he will fall out of love but never fall in love again. The possibility that he’ll be alone forever. Rationally, Doyoung knows that both those outcomes are unlikely but it’s hard not to think about it. It’s hard to not let it get to him.

He leans his head on Kun’s shoulder and focuses on the comforting sensation of Kun’s hand running through his hair.

“You’re only nineteen, Doyoung. There are so many people out there in the world and you have so much time to find the one meant for you. I know it can be scary and daunting but if you hold yourself back then you’re eliminating any chance you have. Looking and not finding your soulmate is scary. It’s terrifying. But, not looking at all and letting them pass you by would be so much worse. I know it sounds corny, but you need to have faith that it will work out.”

Doyung turns his head, burying his face in Kun’s neck. “Thank you,” he says, words muffled by the fabric of Kun’s sweater. Kun holds him tight. “It’s no problem.”

Kun hasn’t said anything that Doyoung doesn’t already know but hearing it from another person is grounding. It helps put things in perspective and Doyoung now feels less anxious about the future. He’s grateful to have Kun as a friend.

“Doyoung,” Kun begins, his voice soft and serious. “I’m sure there’s a reason for why you are so actively looking for you soulmate.” He pauses, trying to figure out the right words. Doyoung knows what Kun wants to ask and he’s not sure he’s ready for this conversation. He hasn’t told a soul in the world about his feelings for Johnny and he doesn’t think he can handle talking about it now.

Kun must sense his reluctance. “You don’t have to tell me, but I want you to know that I’m here if you want to talk.” He smiles softly at him and the two share a moment of silence.

“Alright!” Kun exclaims. “It’s time to open those messages and reply to at least two of them. I will not leave your side until you have.”

Doyoung makes a noise that he imagines is close to that of a dying whale. They were totally having a moment and then Kun ruined it.

Kun grabs his phone from where it’s laying on the bed and shoves it into Doyoung’s chest. Doyoung reluctantly takes it, knowing there’s no way out of this now.

He opens up the message page on ABCupid and holds the phone up in front of Kun’s face.

“Pick a name, any name!”

Kun lets out a short laugh before tapping on one of the five names.

“Yixing,” Kun reads aloud. The two read the message together.

Hey, what’s your usual bubble tea order? I don’t fuck with people who don’t like pearls.

“That’s pretty good for a first message,” Kun compliments as he laughs.

Doyoung nods in agreement before readying his fingers to type out a reply. He needs a moment to think but soon he’s typing away.

Caramel milk tea with coconut jelly and pearls. Do I pass the test or does two toppings freak you out?

With Kun’s approval, he presses send. It was easier than he thought but maybe that's just because he has Kun by his side.

“Alright, on to the next!” Doyoung exclaims. Best to keep going now than to let his anxiety rear its ugly head again.

He reads through the remaining names. Yunho, Youngjae, Yuvin and Youngmin. He only vaguely remembers any of them. He’s gone through so many different profiles that they have all blurred into one. He decides to simply start from the top.

Soon, with Kun’s help, he’s replied to all of them. He thanks Kun for his help and makes sure to do so again before they go to bed that night.

***

Doyoung is walking out of the library, heavy bag slung over his shoulder, when a body barrels into him. The odd thing is that he didn’t walk into anyone. No, he was hit from behind and there are arms wrapping around his shoulders.

“Doyoungie!” The voice he hears makes him lose his breath. His heart feels like it’s about to jump out of his chest. A familiar sensation when he’s around Johnny.

“Hyung,” Doyoung says with a smile, “it’s been so long since I’ve seen you.”

It’s been a few weeks. The last time they met was when they had gone to dinner with Jaehyun. He had gone to a different university. He’s still in the same city but they didn’t get to see each other as often as they wanted to.

“I keep asking you to hang out but you keep rejecting me!” Johnny whines. He’s still behind Doyoung and he’s glad for it because he can hear him pouting and he might just die if he actually saw it

“I know. I’m sorry, hyung. I’m just busier than I expected to be.” Doyoung turns to the side, trying to look Johnny in the face.

“You can make it up to me by having dinner with me now.” Johnny suggest as he finally removes his arms from around Doyoung and moves to stand in front of him. Doyoung can hear the hope in his voice and his heart breaks at the thought of rejecting him again.

Johnny asking him to hang out in person was very different to him asking over text. Over a text, it was a lot easier to say no. He has used many excuses. An urgent assignment, a test the next day, club activities, a meeting for a group project and many more. It wasn’t always a lie. Doyoung does like to keep himself busy so more often than not, he really is unavailable. The best thing about texting is that Doyoung doesn’t have to deal with a disappointed Johnny face to face. He doesn’t have to deal with the downcast eyes or the sad pout. He doesn’t have to hear how small and forlorn Johnny’s voice gets.

The other good thing about text is that he has time to think of an excuse if he needs to. Today he’s not so lucky.

“I wish I could but,” Doyoung hesitates for a moment. He doesn’t want to say it for some reason. Not to Johnny but his mind is blank and useless and he can’t come up with a lie. “I have a date.”

Johnny’s face drops the moment Doyoung finishes his sentence. He feels the strong urge to cancel his date just to make that look go away but he resists. He knows that the thought is ridiculous. He’s supposed to be finding his soulmate and getting over Johnny. He knows it’s for the best but it still hurts so much and his heart aches.

“Oh ok,” Johnny mutters and he sounds worse than Doyoung had expected. It doesn’t make sense to be that upset just because they can’t hang out. It has been a while though so maybe that’s why.

“I won’t keep you then,” he continues. “Have fun, Doyoung. I hope it goes well.”

With a half hearted wave, Johnny is turning his back and walking away. Doyoung’s heart feels heavy as he watches him leave

***

The date goes terribly. The man, Youngmin, spends the entire night bragging about himself, his status and his family as if Doyung cared about any of it. What does it matter if your father is a doctor and you placed first in your high school if you have the personality of a pea. What’s worse is that he tried to make Doyoung feel as if he is lesser somehow because he grew up in a middle class family. It had taken all of his will power to not throw his drink in the man’s face. As soon as he had finished his meal he placed money for his share on the table and left. All he said was a simple ‘I don’t think this is going to work out.’

It’s not the only terrible date he’s been on. There was Yunhyeong, the sports enthusiast that was offended when Doyoung said he didn’t like sports and then proceeded to talk only about sports for the rest of the evening in an attempt to change Doyoung’s mind. It didn’t work. Then there was Yunsol who spent the whole time on his phone, barely saying a word to Doyoung. When Doyoung asked him what he was doing, he said he was working. Doyoung was offended. Another date, Younghyun, had done nothing but complain and bitch about his ex.

Doyoung’s not completely innocent either though. Yohan had invited him to a trivia night. Doyoung should have known better than to accept. He knows he gets competitive but he figured he’ll just control himself. Reign himself in a little. He failed completely. He got so competitive that he barely talked to Yohan about anything other than the questions and had one point he had even called him an idiot for getting a question wrong. It was not one of his finest moments. In hindsight, a trivia night is probably not the best first date idea for Doyoung.

Not all the dates had been terrible but if they weren’t terrible, they were just mediocre. He had yet to meet anyone he clicked with and he was beginning to lose hope. Is it supposed to be this hard to find your soulmate? He’s heard the occasional story of people finding their soulmates in or even after their 40’s and 50’s. On the rare occasion there have even been soulmates who didn’t find each other until their 80’s. Doyoung really hopes he’s not one of these cases.

He doesn’t even want to think of the possibility of spending decades pining over Johnny because he hasn’t met his soulmate yet. Doyoung can definitly imagine himself being that idiotic though.

***

It’s a couple weeks later when Doyoung sees Johnny again. There’s a knock on the door of his dorm room. Doyoung gets the shock of his life when he opens the door to find Johnny standing there in all his glory.

“Your hair,” is the first thing Doyoung blurts out. He’d dyes it back to brown and it shouldn’t be a big deal because he’d had it brown before but Doyoung could feel himself malfunctioning anyway. It was lighter than the brown he’d had before and the style, now grown out, makes him look soft and cute. He hates himself for thinking it but it was a boyfriend look. Doyoung wants to boyfriend him and that was a problem.

He grins as he runs a hand through the freshly dyed strands. “Do you like it?”

Doyoung nods dumbly before shaking himself out of his stupor. Something as simple as hair dye should not affect him so much.

“Hyung, what are you doing here?”

“Did you not see my text?” he asks. At Doyoung’s look of confusion he continues. “I ran into Kun and he said you were here. Said you weren’t busy so I thought maybe we could hang out.” His face is full of hope and Doyooung can’t bare to say no.

“I bought snacks,” he says, holding up a plastic bag as if he didn’t have Doyoung sitting in the palm of his hand. Doyoung moves aside and lets Johnny into the room.

They decide to watch a movie together. After a little debate they decide on Mulan. They sit side by side on Doyoung’s bed, eat the snacks and talk throughout the entire movie. What begins as quoting the movie and singing along soon turns into catching up with each other. Doyoung knows it’s his own fault but he really has missed Johnny a lot. They talk about their classes and friends and pretty much anything that comes to mind.

Doyoung’s a little shocked when Johnny brings up his date. “How did your date from that day go?”

“Terribly,” he answers honestly. “He tried to get me to like sports.”

“You?” Johnny says while letting out a cackle. “Getting you to like sports is like trying to swallow the sun whole.”

“He tried to text me afterwards even though I told him it wasn’t going to work out. He kept sending me youtube compilations of the best sports moments. I ended up having to block him.”

“Do you remember in high school,” Johnny starts, “Jaehyun used to drag you along to our basketball games and you would just do homework the entire time. I don’t know why he even bothered.”

Doyoung nods and laughs along with Johnny though what he said wasn’t entirely true. Doyoung had spent only about 40% of the time studying. The other 60% of the time, Doyoung was admiring the way Johnny’s thighs looked in his shorts. Or the way his sweat soaked hair would stick to his face and neck. The way the muscles of his arms would flex everytime he took a shot. During Johnny’s final year, Doyoung’s favourite thing to do was try and catch a glimpse of the D decorating his right arm. Johnny doesn't need to know that though.

They finish Mulan and Doyoung puts on The Incredibles. They’ve quietened down a bit now and are actually paying attention to the movie. It’s nice, spending time with Johnny like this. No matter how much time they spend apart, they always click like two puzzle pieces. It’s almost like Doyoung hadn’t avoided him at all. But he had and Johnny had noticed.

They’ve been sitting in silence for a while when Johnny speaks up. “I’ve really missed you,” he says quietly. His eyes remain trained on the screen of Doyoung’s laptop. It’s gotten darker now and his face is illuminated only by the light from the screen.

“Have you been avoiding me? Did I do something wrong?” Doyoung can feel his heart breaking at how sad Johnny sounds. He feels heavy with guilt knowing that he’s hurt Johnny. He can feel tears starting to well up in his eyes but he holds them back. This is his fault and he doesn’t deserve to cry. “I see Jaehyun more than I see you and he goes to a different university.” His voice is so quiet now that Doyoung wouldn’t be able to hear him if he weren’t sitting right next to him.

“You didn’t do anything,” Doyoung says softly. It feels like Johnny will break apart if he speaks too loud or makes any sudden movements. He’s never seen him so vulnerable or fragile and Doyoung is responsible for it. He hates himself for doing this.

He’s been so selfish. They’ve been such large parts of each other's lives since they first met. They had grown close fast. Johnny, having just moved to Korea after growing up in Chicago, had needed help with his Korean. Jaehyun had tried to help but he was terrible at it so Doyoung had taken over. In return, Johnny had helped him improve his English. They’d spent so much time together that they’d grown close naturally. It felt as if he’d known Johnny his whole life. It was cruel of him to distance himself from Johnny as he had done. He should have known Johnny would be hurt.

“I promise you did nothing wrong. I haven’t been avoiding you.” He has to lie. He doesn’t want to but he can’t tell Johnny why he did it. There’s no way he can. Not without ruining everything, so he makes up an excuse. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been so busy, busier than I expected and I couldn’t figure out how to manage my time properly. I’ll do better, I promise.” And he will. Johnny obviously cares about him, even if it's not in the way he wants, and it isn’t fair to avoid him for something that isn’t his fault.

He takes Johnny’s hand in his own and intertwines their fingers. Johnny smiles at him and moves closer before resting his head on Doyoung’s shoulder. They stay like this until the movie finishes and Johnny departs. Doyoung’s heart is racing the entire time.

Being with Johnny would hurt sometimes. It was inevitable with the way that he felt about him. But, being away from Johnny always hurts. He misses him and he’ll think of him constantly. He’ll see something stupid or hear a funny joke and he’ll want to tell Johnny and hear him laugh. When he’s lonely, he wants Johnny to comfort him. When he’s happy, he wants to share it with Johnny. When he’s stressed, he wants Johnny to ground him. Avoiding him hasn’t changed that. He’s ended up hurting both of them and he wasn’t going to do that anymore.

***

The first (and only) person from ABCupid that Doyoung clicks with is Yukhei. He looks fun and interesting (and cute) from his pictures and his bio has Doyoung chuckling.

Call me Yukhei. Call me Xuxi. Call me Lucas.

My last date rated me 4.5/5. I lost 0.5 because I disappeared halfway through the date to pet a dog. I promise if I see a dog on our date, I will take you with me.

Doyoung had messaged him first (not something he did often) and the two had easily started a conversation. They had been talking for only a few days when they met for the first time.

It wasn’t really a date. Yukhei (Xuxi? Lucas?) needed to go shopping to buy a birthday present for his mother. He asks Doyoung if he wants to tag a long. And by ask, Doyoung means beg. Yukhei has no idea what to buy and he has been abandoned by all his friends. Doyoung has nothing better to do so he figures, why not.

The first thing Doyoung asks him when they meet is why he has three names.

“Yukhei is cantonese, Xuxi is Mandarin and Lucas is English,” he explains, as if it’s common to have three names.

“Do you have a preference?” Doyoung asks.

He shakes his head. “You can call me whatever you want,” he says with a wink. From anyone else, Doyoung would think they were flirting. Yukhei though (or Xuxi as Doyoung decides to call him) looks like an overgrown, overexcited puppy. Doyoung wants to pat him on the head.

They walk around the streets of Seoul, popping into numerous stores and constantly stopping to buy food. Despite losing track of their goal many times, they do eventually find the perfect gift for Xuxi’s mother. They buy her a jewelry box. It is rectangular in shape and covered in a soft blue-gray fabric. What made it special was the white beads sewn onto the top in an elegant floral pattern. To complete the present, Xuxi buys a simple gold bracelet with a small sun charm attached.

Xuxi does see a dog and as promised he does take Doyoung with him to pet it.

It’s been a long time since Doyoung has been this relaxed. He feels free of all his worries, even if for just a few hours.

He doesn’t know if Xuxi is his soulmate but he does know that he enjoys being around him and he wants to see him again.

***

They hang out more. They never call it a date but it’s clear they enjoy each other’s company. They’ll grab coffee together or study in the library (Doyoung will try to study while Xuxi distracts him every five minutes). Once, Xuxi drags him along to his dance club. He does his best to teach Doyoung (despite his protests) but it’ll take more than an hour or two to teach Doyoung how to coordinate his limbs. They get bubble tea, just like Doyoung wanted, and they sit in a sunny spot at a nearby park and soak up the sun.

Xuxi makes him laugh. No one other than Johnny has ever made him laugh this much and it gives Doyoung hope. He hopes, and wishes, that maybe this is the beginning of him falling in love with Xuxi. Maybe he’s finally found his soulmate and maybe happiness isn’t an impossibility.

***

Xuxi is hanging out with him at his dorm one day, the two of them are studying. Doyoung lays on his bed, books spread out around him while Xuxi lays in a similar position on the floor (Kun will kill anyone that goes near his bed).

They’ve been at it for almost an hour when there’s a rapid knocking on the door. Doyoung knows immediately that it’s Johnny. The only other idiot that would knock like that is already inside.

Doyoung’s a little nervous about opening the door. It will be the first time Johnny and Xuxi meet. It feels odd, thinking of them together. The person he loves and the person he wants to love in the same room.

He takes a deep breath and opens the door. Johnny’s standing there, looking as gorgeous as always with a beautiful smile on his face and holding a bag carrying to tall cups of bubble tea. Doyoung has definitely not fallen out of love yet.

“Doie, my lecturer never showed and I know you don’t have classes today so I thought we could hang out.” He holds up the bag, “I bought your favourite.”

Doyoung moves aside so he’s not blocking the door. “I actually have a guest,” he says hesitantly. He doesn’t know how to handle this situation. Does he invite him in? Turn him away?

Doyoung watches as Johnny’s eyes land on Xuxi where he still lays on the floor. Xuxi smiles up at him.

“Oh, uh,” Johnny begins, clearly startled. “I’m sorry. I should have texted. I’ll leave you to it.”

He makes to leave after pushing the drinks into Doyoung’s hands but he stops when Xuxi calls out to him. “Dude, it’s cool. We can all hang together,” he says, as enthusiastic and bubbly as ever.

Doyoung can see Johnny hesitating but soon he nods and comes in.

“Johnny this is Xuxi. Xuxi this is Johnny,” he introduces.

Xuxi’s eyes widen in recognition.“Johnny! Doyoung’s mentioned you before.”

“All bad things,” Doyoung teases.

“Absolutely terrible,” Xuxi plays along.

Johnny scoffs in disbelief. “Please, I’m the best thing to ever happen to you.”

It’s a playful statement but Doyoung can’t help but feel that it’s true.

“How do you know Doyoung? Are you in the same class?” Johnny asks.

Xuxi answers before Doyoung has a chance. “I don't actually go here. We met on ABCupid.”

“Oh,” Johnny gasps in surprise. “Are you two dating then?” He looks anxious, a small dent between his eyebrows as he frowns, as if worried about the answer but Doyoung doesn’t know why that would be the case. Maybe he’s just seeing what he wants to see.

Xuxi look at Doyoung and Doyoung looks back. They hang out a lot but they have never defined their relationship.

“We’re… getting to know each other,” Doyoung explains. Xuxi smiles at him, seemingly satisfied with the answer.

Johnny nods along, the frown slightly lessened.

“Um, I only have two drink,” Johnny says. “You can have mine,” he suggest to Xuxi.

Xuxi and Doyoung both shake their heads. “I’ll just drink from Doie’s,” Xuxi says. Doyoung doesn’t notice Johnny stiffen at Xuxi’s use of the nickname.

With Johnny there, they give up on studying. Instead, Johnny plays music from his phone while Doyoung pulls out Jenga. Doyoung dominates the game while Johnny and Xuxi compete for who sucks the most. Xuxi’s clumsiness wins.

What could have been an awkward day for Doyoung is surprisingly fun. Johnny and Xuxi’s easy going demeanors mean they easily get along. The two of them together is both chaotic and brilliant. Doyoung becomes the butt of the joke multiple times but somehow, he doesn’t mind it.

Occasionally though, he’ll look at Johnny and he’ll be surprised. He won’t be laughing or smiling. He’ll have his eyes on Doyoung and they’ll be filled with what looks like sorrow.

Doyoung pretends he doesn’t see.

***

It’s that very weekend that Doyoung sees Jaehyun again for what feels like the first time in forever. It hasn’t actually been that long. At most it’s been two weeks but it feels like forever. It’s odd to go from seeing Jaehyun practically everyday to once every few weeks. Doyoung’s still getting used to it. They still talk almost everyday, but it’s not the same.

They catch up at a cafe halfway between both their universities. They complain about their classes and assignments, tell stories about their new friends and whatever else comes to mind.

“I think Sicheng might be my soulmate.” Jaehyun blurts out suddenly.

Doyoung chokes on his drink, the iced americano going down the wrong pipe.

“Holy shit! Seriously?” Doyoung manages to choke out between coughs.

Jaehyun nods rapidly. His cheeks are pink and his dimples are on full display as a result of the giant smile adorning his face.

He looks so happy and Doyoung is excited for him. He’d met Sicheng only once but he was smitten with the man. He was adorable and snarky. He fit right in. He and Jaehyun hadn’t been dating all that long but Doyoung could tell they were a good match.

Doyoung grabs Jaehyun's hand and gives it a squeeze. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks. I know it’s super early but I don’t know… I just,” he pauses, searching for the right words. “I just get this feeling. I can’t really put it into words.”

Jaehyun has a searching look on his face as he tries to figure out what he feels.

“It feels like home.”

Doyoung’s mind flashes to Johnny. Johnny feels like home. Doyoung has to remind himself that Johnny can’t be his home.

Doyoung listens on as Jaehyun talks about how much he loves Sicheng. He’s absolutely glowing with affection for the man. Doyoung’s own love life might be a mess but at least Jaehyun is doing well.

Talking about soulmates, it’s inevitable that Jaehyun will ask Doyoung about his own search. He pray’s he won’t ask but it’s futile. “How’s your search for true love going?”

Doyoung wants to smack his head against the table in lieu of answering but he resists.

He shrugs. “I don’t know.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “You don’t honestly believe that I’ll let you off with an answer like that, right? Surely you know me better than that.”

Doyoung whines. “I honestly don’t know. I’ve had so many bad dates. So so many.”

“What about Xuxi? You’ve mentioned him a few times now.” Doyoung had texted him about Xuxi multiple times now. Usually about somethng stupid the man had done.

He stares down at his drink, stirring the straw around and around.

“I like him. He’s fun and charming and he makes me comfortable.”

“But?” Jarhyun pushes, hearing the uncertainty in Doyung’s voice.

“But….. I don’t know if we’re just friends or if it can be more than that. We hang out but we haven’t really been on proper date. I can’t tell if we would work like that.”

“Can you imagine being with him? Do you think you’d be happy with him?” Jaehyun asks him.

“Possibly. If he were my soulmate, I definitely wouldn’t be disappointed,” he replies honestly.

“So, go on a date with him. You won’t know until you try.”

It sounds simple but it doesn’t feel that way.

“Sometimes I think that maybe my soulmate is dead,” Doyoung says, his voice flat and emotionless. “Maybe that’s why I can’t find him. Why I feel so uncertain.”

It isn’t unheard of for a person to never find their soulmate. No one really knows why it happens but one theory is that their soulmate passed away before they met. There is no way of really knowing. Once a soulmark appears, it remains there, permanent and unchanging. The soulmark isn’t a guarantee that you will find your soulmate. All you really know is that you have one. It doesn’t tell you where they are, who they are or how they are. You know exactly who your soulmate isn’t but never for certain who they are. You have to follow your gut feeling but it’s hard to know until you feel it.

For some, the soulmark might be more of a nightmare than a blessing. Never finding that one person that is supposed to complete you but never having the opportunity to find someone else. Falling in love with someone but your soulmarks don’t match. Maybe even finding your soulmate only to later fall out of love and doubt if they were ever really your soulmate.

Sometimes Doyoung hates his soulmark. He wishes it didn’t exist. Then he would be free to love whoever he wanted. He would be free to love Johnny.

“I don’t think that's true,” Jaehyun tries to comfort him, “just because you haven’t found them yet it doesn’t mean they’re not out there. It’s way too soon for you to be thinking that way.”

“Go on a date with Xuxi,” he urges, “maybe you’ll have your aha moment and realise he’s your soulmate.”

The thought sits in the back of his mind even after they change topics. It’s there until they part ways, until he gets home and throughout the rest of the day.

That night, before he goes to bed, he takes action.

Hey, Xuxi

What do you say to going on an actual date?

***

They decide on the coming Friday night. Doyoung is nervous but not for the reasons one would usually expect. He isn’t worried that the date will be awkward or boring or that they won’t get along because he already knows that they’ll have fun.

What he’s worried about is that it’ll be the same as always. He’s worried that even though it’s supposed to be a date, it’ll just be the same as when they usually hang out. Being with your soulmate is supposed to be different and Doyoung wants that with Xuxi. He wants this date to end with them both thinking that they could be together forever.

With Kun’s help, Doyoung makes sure he looks good. Xuxi has already seen him sleep deprived and wearing sweats that should have been thrown out years ago but, that doesn’t mean he can’t dress to impress.

He wears simple dark gray jeans and a dark blue long sleeved button up. He tucks the front in and leaves the back as is. Kun helps him with his hair and picks some simple silver rings and a necklace for him.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for,” he says as Doyoung is leaving.

Doyoung hopes so too.

They meet at the restaurant they decide to have dinner at. Xuxi is already there and Doyoung is glad he won’t have to wait around while his nerves continue to build up.

He looks really good. He always does but it’s more noticable today, like he also put some effort into his appearance.

They have Italian at a place one of Xuxi’s friends recommended. The food is good and the company is better. Doyoung enjoys himself just as he knew he would.

They hadn’t planned anything else for the night so after dinner they wander the streets looking for something to do. Doyoung takes Xuxi’s hand, linking their fingers together. His hand is bigger than Doyoung’s own but they fit well enough. Xuxi smiles at him before using their connected hands to drag Doyoung along to wherever he wants to go.

He pulls him to an arcade and the two start competing against each other. Doyoung lets his competitive nature run free. Xuxi is both quite competitive himself and a good sport so they match well.

They make a bet. The person that loses the most games has to buy the other a present. It’s like there’s a raging fire lit inside Doyoung. He refuses to lose the bet.

He wins, 9 to 8, and Xuxi buys him a bunny plushie. Doyougn rolls his eyes at the choice of present but hugs the plushie to his chest for the rest of the night anyway.

They decide to go to a nearby park. It’s dark out and the only light is the warm glow of street lamps. They sit on a bench and Doyoung leans his head against Xuxi’s shoulder.

Xuxi grabs the plushie from Doyoung’s grasp. “What are you going to name it?”

“Yukhei,” Doyoung replies without a second thought.

“Why would you name it after me when you’re the bunny? Call it Doie. Or Dobun. Oh, Dotokki!” He exclaims excitedly. He looks so cute that Doyoung almost says yes. Almost.

Instead he shakes his head stubbornly. “It’s Yukhei.”

“Fine but I’ll get my own plushie and name it Dotokki. It’s the perfect name,” Xuxi pouts.

Doyoung takes bunny Yukhei back and sits him gently on his lap. It’s starting to get a little chilly so Doyoung shifts closer to Xuxi, trying to take advantage of his body heat.

Xuxi laughs, knowing that Doyoung hates the cold, and wraps his arms around Doyoung’s shoulders so they’re cuddling.

“Can I ask you something?” There’s something Doyoung’s always been curious about. Something he wasn’t sure if he should ask.

Xuxi looks down as Doyoung and nods.

“Why did you decide to join ABCupid?” he asks, still hesitant despite Xuxi’s consent. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Xuxi smiles at him and reassures him that it’s fine.

He thinks for a while before answering. “I guess the idea of love is fascinating to me. I have a friend, Mark, who found his soulmate while we were still in school. I watched them together all the time and it was… magical I guess. I didn’t have that growing up. My parents thought they were soulmates but they weren’t. It was kind of rough for a while. When they were realising that they weren’t soulmates and then trying to figure it out. Soulmates sound like they’re supposed to make things easier, more certain, but it can be messy too.” There’s a sad smile on his face as he thinks back on his childhood. Doyoung feels terrible about putting it there. He doesn’t know what to say to comfort him so he takes his hand instead and gives it a squeeze.

Xuxi returns the gesture before continuing. “I didn’t have a lot of faith in the idea of soulmates, not until Mark and Donghyuk. They’re so young and there’s always the chance that they might not actually be soulmates but it’s hard not to believe in them after seeing it. I want that too and I figured the sooner I start looking the sooner I might find them.”

Xuxi’s story, his reasons, make Doyoung feel insincere in his own motives. Xuxi is genuinely looking for love while Doyoung is looking for a way out of his pain.

“I wish my reasons where as noble as yours,” Doyoung says honestly.

“If you find your soulmate, and hopefully happiness along with them, then the reason you’re searching isn’t all that important,” Xuxi says comfortingly.

Doyoung feels his heart warm at Xuxi’s kind words. He would be lucky to have him as his soulmate.

It’s getting late and Doyoung knows the date has to end soon but he’s still so unsure. He knows that this means they probably aren’t soulmates but he’s not quite ready to let go just yet.

He shifts on the bench, turning towards Xuxi who looks at him questioningly.

Doyoung figures there one thing that can give him a more certain answer.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks, his heart racing in his chest.

Xuxi looks confused at his request but he nods his head in consent.

The position they’re sitting in now makes it difficult so Doyoung gets up, one knee planted on the bench and the other foot keeping him steady on the ground. The position allows him to hover over Xuxi and it’s odd being taller than him for once.

Xuxi is looking up at him, eyes wide and lips parted slightly, and Doyoung is in awe of how beautiful he is.

He gently places both his hands along Xuxi’s jaw and moves in slowly. Doyoung pauses, less than an inch between them. Xuxi’s eyes are gentle and warm. Doyoung finds comfort in them.

Xuxi’s hand comes up and circles one of Doyoung’s wrists as he closes the distance between them.

The kiss is sweet and nice and everything one would want in a first kiss. Xuxi is a good kisser. It’s pleasant and lovely and it should be perfect but it isn’t. It isn’t special. It doesn’t feel right and Doyoung hates himself for it but he can’t help but wish it was Johnny.

They pull apart and Doyoung can tell from the look on Xuxi’s face that he feels the same way.

“I really wish it was you,” Doyoung whispers.

***

After his date with Xuxi, Doyoung deletes the ABCupid app off his phone. Doyoung found a life long friend but he feels worn down. He’s emotionally exhausted and he needs a break from the whole concept of soulmates. He wants to forget love even exists and just try to enjoy life.

For Doyoung, enjoying life means laying in bed and binging netflix shows. At least, that ‘s what he was doing until Kun comes along.

He storms into the dorm and starts talking at Doyoung immediately.

“So, one of the guys from the international students club is having a get together and he said we can bring whoever we want.” Kun turns towards him, pausing his rummaging through his clothes, and grins. “You’re coming with me.”

That sounds like the exact opposite of what Doyoung wants to be doing.

“That sounds like a party,” he deadpans. Kun knows Doyoung well enough to know that this isn’t something he would be into.

“It’s just a get together,” he shrugs.

Doyoung is no fool, not now anyway. “It’s a party. I don’t like parties.” He makes an effort to be as clear as possible.

“Good thing it’s not a part then, huh?” Kun refuses to give in but Doyoung is just as, if not more, stubborn.

“Saying ‘bring whoever you want’ means it’ll be a party.” Doyoung glares at him.

Kun glares back before rolling his eyes and huffing irritably. “Fine! It’s a party and you’re still coming with me.”

“I have a busy evening of sleeping planned. I refuse to move from this spot.” To emphasise his point, he snuggles further into his blanket.

Kun sighs before moving towards Doyoung. He sits on the edge of the bed and looks at Doyoung. The look on his face is dangerous. It’s the kind of look that makes Doyoung want to do anything he can for Kun. He knows this, has been victim to this look before, and yet he can’t look away. He is a goner.

“You know I would rather be sleeping too, right? Unfortunately, I decided to try and have a complete university experience and apparently that means going to this party. Please come with me.” He puts his hands together as if he’s praying to Doyoung.

He’s already given in but he lets Kun look at him pleadingly for a few more seconds out of pettiness.

“Fine,” he acquiesces. Hopefully he’ll find someone he knows to hang out with.

Doyoung refuses to put effort into how he looks. He throws on a simple pair of light blue jeans and a comfy black and white striped long sleeved shirt.

He can feel Kun’s disapproving glare but his roommate thankfully keeps his mouth shut.

Soon they leave to the dreaded party.

When they arrive Doyoung can hear the music pounding and the loud buzz of people talking. He can’t believe Kun tried to pass this mess off as a simple get together.

As they walk into the house, Doyoung grips Kun’s arm. “Do not leave me alone, please,” he pleads. Kun simply nods in reply and Doyoung does not feel reassured at all.

Sure enough, ten minutes later he finds himself standing in the kitchen with Kun nowhere in sight.

He grabs himself a cheap beer off the counter. He cracks it open and takes a sip, cringing at the taste immediately. He was expecting the terrible taste and yet he’s still shocked at how bad it is. He keeps sipping it anyway, knowing he’s unlikely to find any alcohol he actually likes here.

Doyoung walks around in search of a familiar face. Hopefully one that won’t abandon him.

“Doie!” He spins around at the sound of his name. The voice is unexpected but welcome.

Xuxi runs up and engulfs him in a hug. “What are you doing here?”

“I feel like I should be asking you that considering you don’t even go to this uni.” He pokes Xuxi in the side simply because he can.

Xuxi jerks away with a pout. “Hendery invited me. Ten invited him.” Doyoung doesn’t know either of them personally but has heard of both, Hendery from Xuxi and Ten from Kun. It feels like a small world.

“Kun dragged me here,” Doyoung explains his presence, “and then he abandoned me.”

Xuxi throws his head back, letting out that familiar joyul laugh. “It’s okay, you can stick with me.”

Xuxi proceeds to wrap his arms around Doyoung’s shoulders from behind and awkwardly walk him towards a group a boys nearby.

Lucas introduces him to his friends and Doyoung is happy he isn’t alone anymore. Xuxi’s friend are just as chaotic as he is. It’s hard for him to keep up at times but he’s having fun and that's more than he had expected at the beginning of the night.

Doyoung wraps his arm around Xuxi’s waist and gives him a squeeze in gratitude. Xuxi probably doesn’t understand but he wraps an arm around his shoulders and squeezes back.

It’s only a few minutes later when he feels his phone buzzing in his pocket.

He takes it out expecting a text from Kun. He’s surprised to see that it’s actually Johnny.

Nice butt

Doyoung knows it’s a joke and his face should not heat up, nor his heart flutter, but they do anyway.

I know

He replies before looking around for his giant man. He shouldn’t be hard to find.

Sure enough, he’s standing in a door jamb watching him. He smiles beautifully when their eyes meet. There’s a slight flush to his face, telltale that he’s had at least a few drinks.

Doyoung signals to Xuxi that he’s going to talk to Johnny before making his way over.

Johnny smiles even wider as Doyoung gets close and Doyoung has to suppress the urge to coo at him. Doyoung grabs his hand and pulls him to an empty couch. They sit down and Johnny shift so he’s leaning his side against the back of the couch and facing towards Doyoung, one leg propped up on the couch. He leans his head to the side, lips slightly upturned in a small smile that’s aimed straight at Doyoung’s heart. The position somehow makes him look small and all Doyoung wants to do is protect him for all the bad things in the world.

Doyoung mimics his position so they face each other, their knees bumping together. Johnny reaches over suddenly and uses an index finger to poke at Doyoung’s cheek. “Cute.”

Doyoung purses hip lips in a way he knows puffs his cheeks out more. Johnny giggles at this, the sound magical to Doyoung’s ears. He can feel his heart swelling in his chest, full of love for this man.

“Are you dating Xuxi?” Doyoung starts at the sudden question.

He frowns in confusion before shaking his head no. “Why?” he asks simply.

Johnny looks almost sad now, the previous smile nowhere to be seen. “I don’t want you to date him.”

Doyoung doesn’t know what to do with that answer. A part of him wants to believe it’s because Johnny likes him. He knows that the more rational reason is that he has a problem with Xuxi. But, that's also difficult to believe given how well they had gotten along.

There’s a slight glazed look in his eyes from the drinks he’s consumed. Despite this, there was a certain clarity in his gaze as he looked upon Doyoung.

Doyoung’s thought process is interrupted by the feeling of Johnny’s hand against his cheek. It’s large, warm and gentle. His brain ceases all functioning as Johnny moves closer.

Doyoung’s eyes are wide open as he watches Johnny close his own and tilt his head. He watches him get closer and closer until Johnny’s lips are gently pressing against his own.

His lips are soft and plump and Doyoung can feel all the nerves in his body tingling. It’s just a touch of the lips but it’s beyond anything Doyoung’s ever felt before. His heart is pounding harder than ever, as if trying to escape his chest.

As Johnny moves his lips gently against his own, he becomes engrossed in the feeling. He lets his eyes fall closed and immerses himself in the sensations. The feeling of his hand on his cheek, thumb gently stroking the skin. The way he increases the pressure just a little and tilts his head a little further. His other hand, the one not on Doyoung’s face, comes to rest on his thigh and gives it a squeeze.

Johnny’s in full control and Doyoung can barely think, his mind whirling at what was currently happening. He doesn’t truly understand. It doesn’t seem real. It can’t be real.

But it is real. Johnny is really kissing him and Doyoung is confused. He wants to enjoy it but the kiss contradicts everything he believed to be true.

Johnny is not his soulmate. Johnny is not his to kiss.

It’s hard, one of the hardest things he’s ever done. He grabs a hold of Johnny's wrist and pulls his hand away from his face. He pulls back and breaks the kiss. He feels the loss immediately. It’s as if the room just got 10 degrees colder. He wants to cry and he can feel the tears starting to well up but he pushes them back with all the willpower he can muster.

Before he leaves he asks just one question. “Why did you do that?”

Johnny looks at him. It’s hard to look him in the eye and it gets harder to hold back the tears.

“You’re beautiful,” he says as if it’s the simplest thing in the world.

Doyoung doesn’t know how to react to that. What is that supposed to mean?

He can’t stay any longer so without another word he gets up and leaves. He doesn’t bother looking for Kun or saying bye to Xuxi. He needs to get out of there. He needs the noise to stop and for the people to be gone. He walks out the door and he doesn’t look back.

The first tear falls the moment he leaves the house and the cold air hits his face. He wipes it away with the back of his hand and starts walking home.

The second tear falls as soon as he closes the door of his dorm behind him. The third falls right after.

Doyoung loses count of how many tears have fallen by the time he throws his clothes off and buries himself under his blanket.

His mind is a complete mess and he prays for sleep to overcome him and give him peace for even just a few hours.

***

When Doyoung wakes up the next morning he feels like shit. He had managed to fall asleep but it had been restless. He had woken up multiple times throughout the night, including when Kun had gotten home. His roommate had tiptoed around, careful not to wake him and Doyoung had let him think he was sleeping. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. He didn’t want to deal with any questions. He still doesn’t.

He checks the time on the phone. 08:34am. He could hear Kun’s soft snoring across the room. He probably won’t wake for a few more hours.

Doyoung doesn't think he could sleep any more if he tried so he gets up. He moves quietly around the dorm. He washes up and gets dressed. He doesn’t know where he’s going or what he’s going to do but he doesn’t want to sit here doing nothing.

He walks out of the building and then off campus. He walks through the streets. It’s the weekend and it’s early enough that the streets aren’t crowded.

He briefly entertains the idea of getting breakfast but he dismisses the idea. He doesn’t have much of an appetite at the moment.

The events of the night before run through his mind, again and again. The image of Johnny kissing him was burned into the back of his eyelids. The memory of it playing on repeat in his brain. He couldn’t get away from it.

Doyoung is so confused. There are so many ideas running through his mind and it was driving him insane.

The most prominent thought was ‘Maybe Johnny likes me too’. Is it possible that Johnny reciprocates his feelings? That he loves him too? Or maybe love is too strong. He could just have a crush on Doyoung. But what if this is just wishful thinking. What if it was just a drunken kiss? Maybe it was meaningless, to Johnny at least.

You’re beautiful

He hears it over and over.

Doyoung’s not stupid, he knows he’s decent looking at the very least. It’s different though, to hear it from Johnny. It’s always different with Johnny.

Doyoung’s been walking around aimlessly for over an hour now. He stops and looks around. He feels like he’s buzzing. He needs to do something. There’s a part of him that wants to just confront Johnny. To just ask it what it all means, if it means anything at all.

He’s scared though. Scared of what he’ll say. Doyoung doesn’t see a happy ending for this regardless of what he says. If Johnny doesn’t like him then he’ll be heartbroken. If Johnny does like him then he’ll be heartbroken because he knows they’ll never work out. He’ll lose either way.

He needs something to distract himself. Looking around, he spots a salon. Without another thought he walks towards it and pushes the door open.

“I don’t have an appointment but I was wondering if you would be able to dye my hair.”

He gets lucky. They don’t have any appointments for another hour so they agree.

They ask him what colour and he blanks. He has never dyed it before, has barely ever even thought about it.

He shrugs his shoulders. “Whatever you think will look good is fine.”

The woman looks a little taken aback but she nods before taking him to one of the chairs.

It doesn’t take long for him to realise that dying his hair requires a lot of sitting still with nothing to do but think. It’s not exactly the best thing to help him stop thinking about Johnny.

It’s after a few minutes that the woman starts talking to him.

“My name is Seulgi,” she introduces herself and Doyoung introduces himself in return.

“So why the sudden desire to dye your hair?” she asks.

He shrugs. “It was an impulsive decision. I wanted to distract myself.”

She doesn’t respond for a few minutes, focused instead on Doyoung’s hair.

She disappears for a while and returns soon with a small bowl filled with a paste. She talks again as she begins applying it to his hair.

“Sometimes a stranger is the easiest person to talk to. I’m happy to lend an ear if you need it.”

Doyoung looks at her through the mirror. She’s really beautiful and while the long straight bangs across her forehead make her a little intimidating, she seems kind.

He starts talking and he ends up telling her everything. She listens quietly until he’s finished.

She hums in thought. “It sounds like you’ve been through a hard time. It also sounds like you’re a bit of an idiot though.”

Doyoung feels like he should be mad but she’s probably right.

“Talk to him,” she says, “it sounds like there’s more to this than you know. He kissed you and you won’t know why until you talk to him.”

“But does it matter when I already know that he’s not my soulmate?”

“Of course it matters. Regardless of this soulmate business it sounds like he’s an important friend to you. You need to figure this out so you can move on, move forward, and I don’t think you can do that without talking to him.”

Doyoung know Seulgi is right but the idea of talking to Johnny is terrifying to him.

“I know it’s scary, but you’ve already tried avoiding him. It hasn’t worked, you’re feelings are still there, so maybe it’s time to tell him. It’s time to try something different and see where it takes you.”

With that she leaves him alone for a while as the dye in his hair does it’s work. He uses the time to ponder her words.

He really values Johnny. It’s more than just being in love with him, Johnny is a precious friend and not someone that Doyoung ever wants to lose. He wants him to be a part of his life, as a friend or something more. Something more sounds impossible but maybe it’s time he’s honest with Johnny. Everything he’s tried so far hasn’t work and he’s even hurt both Johnny and himself in the process so maybe now is the time to do things differently.

Doyoung makes the decision and he pulls out his phone.

Hey, are you free to meet up?

By the time he’s finished at the salon, he and Johnny have decided to meet at a nearby park.

He begins his walk there with his brand new blond hair. He was shocked when he saw the colour but Seulgi had reassured him that he looked good. He made sure to thank her, for both the hair and the advice, before he left.

On the walk he tries to plan out what he wants to say to Johnny but it’s impossible. There’s so much he wants to say and yet he can’t seem to find the right words to convey his true feelings.

Doyoung arrives first. He takes a seat on a bench under a tree and waits. He pulls out his phone and scrolls through twitter to try and take his mind off what’s coming. He tries to calm himself but it’s not very successful. He barely reads any of the posts and the images just look like a blur as he scrolls past them.

He doesn’t notice Johnny’s arrival until he sits down beside him.

“I almost didn’t recognise you,” he says as he fingers a strand of Doyoung’s new hair.

Doyoung stares at him. He’s not sure he’s ready for this. “It was an impulsive decision,” he manages to mumble out.

“I like it.” He’s not smiling like he usually is. It’s odd to see him like this, looking nervous and uneasy.

Doyoung holds his hand, hoping it gives Johnny some comfort. Whatever happens here today, he hopes they can still remain in each others lives.

“I need you to tell me why you kissed me last night.”

Johnny’s looking down at where their hands are linked. His hair is falling into his eyes and Doyoung wants to reach out and push it away but he holds himself back.

Johnny opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Doyoung waits patiently, knowing how difficult it can be to find the right words.

“I kissed you because I wanted to. I have wanted to for a long time but I always held back. I don’t want to hold back anymore.”

It’s not at all the answer Doyoung was expecting. Though he doesn’t really know what he was expecting, it definitely wasn’t this. He doesn’t know how to respond so he waits for Johnny to continue.

“I know I’m not your soulmate but I feel like you are mine. I’m always thinking about you. I always want to be near you. I want to see you smile and I want to be the reason you smile. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, if I’m burdening you but I can’t keep it in anymore. I love you, Doyoung. I have for years now.”

Johnny’s eyes are glassy with unshed tears as he looked imploringly at Doyoung. Doyoung has to say something but he feels like any and all words he thinks of saying are catching in his throat. He feels overwhelmed with so many emotions that he can’t process anything.

Johnny looks down, away from Doyoung’s face. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you. This isn’t fair to you.”

Johnny gets up to leave, his hand slacking in Doyoung’s hold. He panics. He can’t let Johnny leave so he says the first thing he can think of.

“I love you, too”

Johnny stops where he’s standing and turns around to look at Doyoung. Their hands remain connected as Doyoung refuses to let go.

“I love you, too, Johnny. I love you so much it hurts and I don’t know what to do because the world is telling me that you’re not my soulmate.”

Johnny uses the hand in his hold to pull Doyoung up. There are tears falling freely down his face now and Doyoung can feel his own falling as well. Johnny pulls him close, wraps his arms around Doyoung and buries his face in his neck. Doyoung can feel the wetness of his tears on his neck. He wraps his arms around Johnny, clutching his shirt and never wanting to let go.

It feels perfect. They’re both crying but there’s nowhere that Doyoung would rather be than in his arms.

He’s happy, knowing that he’s not the only one feeling this way. It’s nice to not be alone. They can figure this out together.

***

They go back to Johnny’s dorm. It’s Doyoung’s first time there as they would usually stay at Doyoung’s. It’s bigger than his own, nicer too. Johnny’s roommate, Yuta, isn’t there at the moment so they have the place to themselves.

They get in Johnny’s bed and cuddle together. Johnny wraps himself around Doyoung’s back and presses the occasional kiss to the back of his head. Doyoung clutches at Johnny’s arms as he basks in the warmth of the other man. It feels surreal. To be here like this with the man he’s been pining after for so many years. Doyoung never thought this was even possible.

“Are we dating now?” he asks softly. The question has been running through his mind for a while now, ever since they left the park.

“I hope so,” Johnny replies, his voice slightly muffled by Doyoung’s hair.

Doyoung smiles, his heart fluttering at the response. He’s glad Johnny can’t see him right now because he’s sure he has the most goofy lovestruck look on his face right now.

“Maybe I should change my name,” Johnny says out of nowhere. Doyoung frowns in confusion.

“I could change my name to Professor X,” he jokes. “Then we can buy a mansion in the countryside and open a school for young gifted children.”

Doyoung doesn't know if he should smash his own head against the wall or forcibly smash Johnny's head against the wall. Both options sound really good right now.

While Doyoung understands the reference, he is still so, so confused. “Why would you change your name to Professor X?”

“Because then my name would start with an X and I could be your soulmate,” Johnny says, although it sounds more like a question.

Doyoung turns over so they’re facing each other and flicks him on the forehead. Johnny pouts while he rubs at the spot. “There are so many things you got wrong,” Doyoung says before he starts listing them off. “First, if you changed your name to Professor X your name would begin with a P. Second, Professor X’s first name is Charles which also does not start with an X. Third, also on the list of things that do not begin with an X is my soulmate's name. Why would you think that?”

“Xuxi starts with X.” he says as if it’s obvious and Doyoung is the one who’s confused.

Doyoung laughs. “Xuxi’s legal name is Yukhei, with a Y,” he explains.

Johnny’s eyes widen. “My name starts with a Y!” he yells out so loud that Doyoung jerks back involuntarily.

Doyoung frowns in confusion. His english might not be at good as Johnny’s but surely it’s not that bad. “Johnny starts with a J.”

“Yes it does,” Johnny confirms to Doyoung’s relief, “but Youngho starts with a Y!”

“And your name is Youngho?” Doyoung questions. He is so confused. Confused, but he can also feel hope welling up in the pit of his stomach.

Johnny nods hastily. “Since when?” Doyoung asks. He is beyond happy at this point because he knows Johnny wouldn’t joke about his but he’s still trying to make sense of it all. His face feels unnatural as he tries to both smile and frown.

“Since always.” Johnny’s smiling so bright, so happy his eyes are little crescents. It’s a gorgeous sight to see.

Johnny must see the continuing confusion on his face. “I grew up in Chicago so my name is Johnny but I was born here. Legally, my name is Youngho. I’m just more used to Johnny so that’s what I use.”

Doyoung has a hard time believing what’s happening. “How have I never heard this before? We’ve known each other for years now and you never mentioned your Korean name!”

Johnny shrugs, or at least he tries to in his current position. “I guess it just never came up.”

Doyoung punches him in the stomach. “I can’t believe you! All this time we could have been together but you never bothered mentioning your real name.”

Johnny clutches at his stomach though Doyoung is sure he’s exaggerating. He didn’t even hit that hard. “I’m sorry,” he apologises, “I didn’t realise this would happen. I guess I just assumed you knew.”

“How would I know if you never told me?” Doyoung asks, exasperated.

“I thought I did,” he says sheepishly. Doyoung huffs in response. All this time he spent trying to find his soulmate and he was right there the whole time.

“Hey,” Johnny says playcatingly, “it’s okay. We now know and that’s what’s important, yeah?”

Johnny softly strokes his cheek. He’s looking at him with so much love that Doyoung can’t stay mad. He buries his face in Johnny’s broad chest. “I guess it doesn’t matter now that we’re here.”

In all honesty, Doyoung would do it all again just to end up here with Johnny. He knows now without a doubt that they’re meant to be together, soulmark or no soulmark.

2017

Doyoung winces at the pain. He can feel the tiny needles piercing his skin over and over again.

For johnny, for Johnny, for Johnny, he chants to himself. The level of pain itself isn’t so bad but the continuous nature of it is hard to bear. He tells himself that it’ll be over soon. It’s just one word.

***

Doyoung get home and the first thing he does is take his shirt off and look at the new markings on his arm. It looks the same as it did an hour ago but he loves looking at it. It feels good and he knows he made the right decision.

There’s a couple hours left until Johnny gets back, just enough time to prepare his surprise.

It’s their second anniversary. Johnny graduated last year and is working full time now. He’s new to the company so they work him extra hard and he always comes home tired. Doyoung’s busy too in his final year but he’s made time today so he can prepare something special for Johnny.

It’s nothing super fancy. It’s just dinner at home but he’s making Johnny’s favourites and he knows Johnny would prefer a relaxing night at home to anything else.

He spends most of the time cooking and then he sets the table. He pulls out a bottle of red wine for Johnny and a bottle of moscato for himself.

When he’s finished he spends the rest of the time tidying up around their apartment. After Johnny had graduated he had asked Doyoung to move in with him. Doyoung had agreed without hesitation. It was a small apartment, they couldn’t afford much more, but it was cozy and it was theirs so Doyoung loved it.

Doyoung hears the door open. “Babe, I’m home,” Johnny calls out and Doyoung hurries to light the candles he had set on the table.

He runs to the door to welcome Johnny. He presses a quick kiss to Johnny’s lips before smiling at him. “Happy anniversary!”

Johnny returns the smile as he pulls Doyoung closer by the waist and kisses him properly. “Happy anniversary.”

Doyoung takes his work bag from him and hangs it up before pulling him towards the dining table.

“Surprise!” he bounces happily.

There’s a look of awe on Johnny’s face as he takes in all the dishes spread out on the table. “Doyoung, oh my god! I can’t believe you did this.”

“You know that Destiny’s Child song, Cater 2 U? That’s me today,” he jokes, “but only today.”

Johnny laughs, his head thrown back, mouth open and eyes crinkled. It’s Doyoung’s favourite sound in the whole world. “I will be taking advantage of that,” Johnny teases.

They sit down and dig into the food. Doyoung knows he can cook but he really outdid himself today. If Johnny moans are anything to go by, he agrees. They eat, they drink and they chat about whatever comes to mind. It’s not too different for any other night but it feels special.

They do the dishes together, Johnny cleans while Doyoung rinses and flicks water at him. When they finish they move to the bedroom. Doyoung sits Johnny on the edge of the bed. “I have another surprise,” Doyoung says as he buzzes with excitement.

He starts unbuttoning his shirt and Johnny grins. “So it’s that kind of surprise,” he says cheekily. Doyoung rolls his eyes.

“Head out of the gutter,” he chastises. “For now at least,” he amends after a moment.

He removes his shirt and turns his arm towards Johnny. He can’t stop smiling, excited to see Johnny’s reaction.

Doyoung watches as Johnny takes in the new addition to Doyoung’s soulmark. He had gotten Youngho tattooed vertically on his arm, completing his soulmark.

Johnny looks teary as he looks at the tattoo. “I can’t believe you did this,” he says as he reaches out and gently runs his fingers over the clear sticker still covering the freshly tattooed skin. His eyes never leave the area.

“You know this is permanent, right? What if later you realise I’m not you soulmate?” Johnny asks. His voice cracks and Doyoung immediately cups Johnny’s face in his hands and turns him so they’re facing each other.

Doyoung stares him in the eyes, willing him to see how certain he is of their future together.

“I met so many people when I was searching for my soulmate and I knew from the moment I met them that they were not the one. I denied it, tried to make it work but it wouldn’t. It never felt like it does when I’m with you. After all that, I know without a doubt that you are my soulmate. This tattoo is just me finishing what the world started. This is how it’s supposed to be.”

He presses a kiss to Johnny’s forehead. “I love you so much, Johnny. Everyday, I thank whatever heavenly powers are out there for giving me you.”

Johnny pulls him down so that Doyoung is straddling his lap. He presses their lips together, kissing him so thoroughly that Doyoung is left out of breath. He runs his hands along Doyoung bare sides before gripping him tightly and flipping them over.

He presses Doyoung into the mattress as he kisses him some more.

“Tomorrow, do you want to come with me to complete my soulmark?” Johnny asks as he hovers just an inch above Doyoung.

Doyoung smiles as he answers with a nod before pulling Johnny down for another kiss.