Archive of Our Own ^beta

My feet tap listlessly as I sit in the empty chamber. I wish the Galra Empire would fill the room with… well anything. Books, games, a cheese platter. Quiznack, even hanging some art would liven up the place. But to be fair, most of the other 'Ladies' don't stay in the system as long as I did. Before I arrived here, the longest a 'Lady' remained in the Dorms was five weeks. It will be my third anniversary here in a few days. It's a little hard to fathom. I still remember the day I first came here. I had volunteered to so that I could keep my family together. Dad and Matt had begged me not to do it, but I was a stubborn kid, barely fifteen, and I thought marrying some stranger would be better than letting them be incarcerated for life for 'Treasonous Activities'. It was only once I was sitting on the stiff stool for the first time that I realized how risky this was. 

My potential husband was going to be an alleged criminal. Regardless of actual culpability, I have no idea what kind of person I will wind up with. Even if they were innocent of the crime they were charged with, they could still be horrific people. After all, the Empire saves this particular sentence for the most insidious cases. Back then, I probably was too preoccupied with all those sudden concerns to notice how bland this room was. Yet, even with the tedium, the rumors, and the fact that at this rate, I probably won't see my family until I'm past childbearing age, I don't regret my decision. The alternatives would have been worse. Matt could have been on the other side. 

"Don't think about that now, they're all safe."  I wonder which lion I am paired with today. I'd like to think it's the green eyed one, she's my favorite. I should ask the Grand Dayak if I can skip my lectures from now on. After all, at this point I have heard them so many times that I could teach the material. Scratch that, she's never going to agree to that. I can already hear her stuffy voice say, ‘Lecturing is a Dayak's job, yours is to learn. To do otherwise would be absurd. Besides, we can't make exceptions for you otherwise we might as well descend into chaos.’ Ugh, I wish. I hope whoever's out there deserves to be mauled. Not that I know for sure that today won't be the day I finally get hitched, but with my track record that's unlikely. The other 'Ladies' don't call me 'Cursed Katie' behind my back for nothing.

The creaking of the door, snaps me out of my musings, but for some reason the sound is coming from behind me—Wait! That means… I turn around and indeed, the door that had remained shut for my entire stay here has been opened. And even more surprisingly, the last person I ever expected to see behind that door is standing there. 

“Lance?” I whisper to myself.

--- 

It has been so long since I've last seen him. Longer than my stay at the Dormitory. Oftentimes, I would think back on those simpler times, particularly when the Dayak put me in solitary confinement for 'misbehaving'. I wonder if life would have been different if my family had never moved to the Capital. Would Dad and Matt have never been framed? Would I have not wasted three years in this miserable place? Would Lance, Hunk and me still be close friends? Would I have eventually told Lance how I felt? Would it have saved him from getting to this point? Why is he here in the first place?

I look to him as these questions and memories flood my mind, as if hoping he will answer them. However, with the guards rushing us to the Hall of Ceremonies, we don't even get to exchange words. Come to think of it, I doubt he would remember me. Sure, we used to play around when we were kids, and I might have had my first crush on him, but Lance was always a social butterfly. I wouldn't be surprised if he only interacted with me because he had this need to befriend everybody. Besides, he only knew me by my nickname, and I'm not even sure he knew I was a girl. Or more specifically, he didn't flirt with me like he usually did with other girls. If only I could get a few minutes to talk to him… 

Once we reach the Hall of Ceremonies, we are separated. If I hadn't had this procedure drilled into me by the Dayaks, I would be about as disoriented as Lance looks when he is suddenly snatched away from me. As Draconian as the Galra are, they're very dedicated to formality. And a man can't get married in the clothes he was convicted in. I myself am already prepped for the ceremony, all I need is to have my make-up refreshed. The Grand Dayak is in the Prep Room, no doubt to give me some last words of wisdom.

“You are responsible for his actions from here on out, so if he acts out of line again, both of you will go straight to the Lions. However, if you inform us of any misdeeds he might commit, you can be pardoned. We might even give you a position at the Dormitory again. Not as a Lady, obviously, but...”

I am not going to miss her. 

Before I know it we are in front of the Great Room. The ceremony is a bit stilted at first, despite me knowing all the words, because Lance is completely out of his depth. I try to help him as best as I can, prompting him whenever he becomes stuck. Once he starts reading my signals, the ceremony runs smoother. Time passes in a blur, and we are quickly in the final acknowledgments. 

“Do you acknowledge that this Lady is your salvation, and is to be treated in reverence as such, by providing for, protecting, and living as a model citizen?” The Ordainer asks Lance.

“Yes...” I mouth the right words to him. “I acknowledge!” 

The Ordainer seems satisfied with his response. He turns to me and asks my final question. “Do you acknowledge that your role is to keep him from being convicted again, by any means possible, and failure to keep him discouraged from criminal activity, or failing to report any such activity, and supporting such activity will result in the immediate execution of both of you?”

“I acknowledge.” I struggle to keep the bitterness out of my tone. Even after all these years, this farce of a wedding ceremony makes me sick. At least it's over now. 

“Then celebrate your vindication by demonstrating your devotion to your new freedom. Kiss your bride!” The Ordainer proclaims. Oh right, that. I face Lance, ready to get this over with, but he looks back at me hesitantly, as if worried about me being uncomfortable. I can't help but be touched by this. Even if it's been years since I've seen him, he's still the sweet boy I remember, just wanting anybody he meets to be at ease. I take his hand, the first time we have touched all throughout this ordeal, and nod so that he knows it's OK. The hesitance doesn't completely leave him, but he does manage to lightly press his lips against mine, putting an end to this quiznacking ceremony. All that's left is the reception. I hate this. I hate that this is the only kind of wedding I get. I hate that this was my first kiss. But most of all, I hate that this is our reunion. This would be a lot less frustrating if I could just talk to him. Perhaps at the Reception. 

---

We don't talk at the reception. So far, I haven't been able to talk to him, what with people constantly coming up to us to congratulate us, as if this was a real wedding. I don't even know any of these people, but I can't snub them either, because most of them are dignitaries of some kind. I keep a lookout for my family, but doubt they will be there. The identity of the Lady is kept secret until the moment her door is opened, and all contact with the outside world is cut off for us. There was no way for them to know when I was being paired with a Lion, and I imagine after the first year of my door not being selected they would have given up hope of seeing me again. Yet, if I remember the lessons the Dayak told me correctly, family members are only permitted to approach us after the Opening Dance, provided a Noble doesn't ask one of us to Dance with them after. Perhaps, I'll see them then. I'll just have to endure all this pretense. Maybe once all the greetings have been exchanged I can finally talk…

“They're too close.” I mutter.

“What was that?” Lance asks. Clearly I wasn't as quiet as I thought.

“I mean, our chairs. I know it's our 'wedding' and we have to share a plate, but geez, how close do we have to be?” I play it off. A pair of noblewomen titter at my comment. Just as I thought. The Upper-class need to get their entertainment from these Public Sentences, and if it's not from a mauling, they might as well get it from our awkward situation. I don't really have anything to hide; Ladies are allowed to have a prior acquaintance with their 'Grooms'. But I'll be quiznacked before I give these people anything else to small talk over their tea parties at.  And honestly, the chairs are too close. I can't move my left leg, without brushing against Lance's right one. Every time I do, he does this startled jerk. It's kind of adorable—I'm tempted to do it deliberately. “No, focus Katie. Just eat your dinner, and wait for an opening.”

The entire dinner we are in earshot of the nobility, so we only exchange a few words here or there. Naturally, I can't speak to him as we hand out desert, or as we are handed our gifts. I think that I might be able to get some privacy during the dance, but I wind up having to talk him through that as well. Hopefully, we'll get a break now. Indeed, none of the nobles have asked us to dance yet, however, Lance's family comes to finally see him. As I expected, my family isn't here. I sigh as I watch him get embraced by all of them. I didn't know them that well back then so I feel a bit like I'm intruding, even though they are technically now my family as well. If there is one thing I don't despise about this entire thing, is that at least I could return him to his family. I am wondering if I should introduce myself, when I feel somebody tug at me. 

“My Lady, if you could please follow me” a blonde young woman says to me demurely. I've never seen her in my life. She's not noble, or even Galra for that matter, and she certainly isn't one of the attendants from the Dormitory. And yet, I have a feeling I should probably follow her. 

“Of course, just give me a moment.”

“We need to hurry.”

I do not know what to make of that, but I have a hunch on who is actually sending for me, though I can't for the life of me fathom why. I look to check on Lance to see if he's still caught up with his family and then follow the blonde, who I suspect is Altean. She leads me through a few hallways and rooms, until we reach a seemingly unoccupied balcony.

“You made it! I was beginning to think you couldn't get away” a female voice speaks up out of the shadows. The person who emerges is exactly who I expected.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Princess Allura?” I say as I curtsy. 

“Please, there's no need to be so formal. It is your Wedding Day after all! I just wanted to congratulate you.”

“Couldn't you have done that with the other nobles earlier?” I ask skeptically. I doubt Prince Lotor's betrothed has any ill intentions, but the fact that she had me summoned away from his presence is pretty suspicious. I can at least deduce that whatever Lance was sentenced for must have, in someway, landed him on the Prince's shit-list. 

“Indeed, but I wanted to do it privately...” She begins to explain. I wait for her to tell me her real purpose. “... and to apologize.” Huh, I didn't know what I expected, but that was not it. 

My face must display my confusion, because she immediately begins explaining. “Look, I don't exactly understand all the customs of this empire, but I can't imagine that you really wanted to be forced into a marriage like this. So I  can't help but feel a bit guilty in rigging the results, but I couldn't let him die like this. Not when he didn't do anything wrong.”

Wow, that was vague. But at least I know that Lance was unjustly sentenced to this insanity; no surprise there. Lance was always an honest person at his core. I could never imagine him changing that drastically. I am about to ask for more details, when the blonde returns. “Your Grace, people are asking for you.”

“Quiznack! I'm sorry to cut this short. I wish I could say we'll talk again soon, but that's highly unlikely. Take good care of Lance, please. Romelle, get her out of here quickly.” 

Without any hesitation I am rushed back to the Ballroom. I can't help but be intrigued by the princess. It's unusual to see nobility refer to the help by name. Also, how does she know Lance? I know it's been years, but I think I would have remembered if he was nobility. Then again, I have no idea what he had been doing for a living. But nothing he did should have made him close enough to the foreign princess to make her risk a political incident by rigging a Lady or Lion sentence. Another thing to ask Lance about, once we're alone. When we get back to the Ballroom, Lance and his family are exactly where I left them. I try to innocuously approach them, but Lance seemed to have heard my footsteps.

“Hey, where did you go? I was just about to introduce you to my folks.” 

“Oh, uhm. I needed to use the bathroom, and I needed some assistance with getting my dress out of the way, and Romelle here was kind enough to help out?” I try to indicate to the blonde, but she has already left. However, Lance's eyes widen at the sound of her name, and for a second I think he's going to say something about her. However, he seemingly changes his mind after casting a furtive look around. 

“I see, well come along then. My family is anxious to meet you.” He says instead and moves on from the subject, leading me to his family, with his arm around my shoulders. He introduces me as Katie, so I guess he really must not remember me. I was always Pidge to him. His family are instantly accepting of me, hugging me like I had always been a part of their family. His mother even burst into tears, as she holds on to me, repeatedly thanking me for saving Lance's life. It makes me wish I had done more, and it also makes me yearn for my own mother. Being with his family actually motivates me to pretend like I'm enjoying this. I actually feel disappointed when the closing dance is announced. I was just beginning to have fun at my own 'wedding' - who would have thought?! The Closing Dance is just a retread of the Opening Dance, so Lance doesn't need my help as much. This could be a great opportunity to talk, but I'm not sure I want to risk it yet. Lance seems to have other ideas.

“Thanks for being great with my family.” He whispers in my ear. I'm a little ashamed by the excited shiver that runs over my body. Get a grip, he's trying to be private not seductive. 

“I didn't really do anything.”

“But you did. I might not be the brightest person in the room, but I could tell that this whole 'wedding' is making you uncomfortable. The fact that you were willing to put on a brave face for them really put them at ease. You can't imagine how worried they were about this whole thing.” He's right. I hadn't even considered that his family might have been worried about who he'll end up with, provided he was not eaten. Sure, I'm not necessarily a 'convict', but they don't know what I'm like, what my motivations are, or how devout I am to the lessons of the Dayaks. 

“I mean, it was no problem. Your family is lovely, it's hard not be cheerful around them. I wish my...” I can't get the words out. I'm afraid I might cry. Lance seems to understand, squeezing my hand a bit longer than he needs to, before bending down to my ears again. 

“We'll find them tomorrow.” He promises, and I am inclined to believe him.

We're finally alone. In our State-Issued House. In our master bedroom. On the same bed. Perhaps it was all those years of hearing the same lessons, but I had somehow blocked out this part of procedure. True, we're not required to produce a child, but it is still highly encouraged. Anything to keep the convict in line, right? I don't know if it would be better or worse if I had wound up here with some faceless stranger instead, but at least I would know what action to take based on their behavior. Lance hasn't moved an inch since the guards dumped us in this room, snickering on the way out. Maybe I should say something…

“So, how you been, Pidge?” 

“... I thought you didn't recognize me.” 

“I didn't. At least not completely. You looked familiar, but I couldn't really place it at first. It hit me when you were giving the stink eye to the nobles.” 

“Shut up.” We laugh together. It feels nice. 

“But seriously, what were you doing in the Dormitory? I thought you would be running the Empire by now.” 

“That's really kind of you to say, even if I would rather die than go into politics.” He shrugs playfully as he turns towards me. “Trust me, I had no aspirations to be there. I just didn't have a choice” I add.

“Did you get framed?”

“No, my dad and Matt… they were inventing some astounding machinery, but they were more of the 'help make life easier for the common man' than the 'make conquering the Empire's enemies faster' ilk. When the military offered them a lucrative position to make a chemical weapon, they politely declined. Suddenly, they were being charged with treason. So, naturally...”

“Wow, I'm sorry about that. How are they doing?”

“Well, I hope. I haven't heard from them since I was brought to the Dormitory.”

“How long ago was that?”

“About three years?” He winces, and takes my hand between his. 

“It must have been hard.” he says softly, as he strokes the back of my hand with his thumb. It feels comforting, but I try not to dwell on that. 

“I found ways to cope.” I answer casually.

“How exactly?”

“Oh, you know. Made plans for what I would do once I finally left. Tuned out the Dayaks just enough to repeat what they were teaching when I was asked, but in reality thought about various experiments I'd rather be doing. Befriended the Lions.”

“Befriended the Lions?”

“Yeah, they're actually quite sweet when they weren't being starved prior to a sentencing. Plus, unlike the other Ladies, they were the only constants. I would go to their pen often, particularly after curfew. It made me feel just a little more defiant.”

“You always were the rebel in our friend group.”

“You know it.” we laugh a little, and it begins to feel like we're back to being kids again. But then I remember that our situation is not that simple anymore, and it fractures our moment of ease. Lance seems to notice my distress and puts a hand on my cheek. 

“Hey, this doesn't have to be weird. We were friends before, let's just try to be friends again. We'll take it a day at a time, and if we become something more… well, uhm… I wouldn't mind that either.” The only thing preventing me from laughing at his nervous state, is the fact that I'm fighting my own flush. “But if you don't want anything to happen tonight, then nothing needs to happen. I just want you to be comfortable, so unless we are required to produce children...”

“We're not.”

“Yeah, then, do you want to just sleep?”

“... It has been a long day.” 

“Sorry, I'll shut up now.” I try to reassure him, that I don't mind spending the night talking to him, but a yawn escapes me, and before I know it, Lance is behind my back, running his fingers through my hair, with us under the covers. I am this close to just falling asleep, but one question keeps me awake still. 

“Hey Lance?”

“Hmm?”

“Why were you sentenced in the first place?”

His hand movement stops as he considers his response. “I just fell in love with the wrong person.”

And just like that, everything falls into place. The princess' subterfuge, her apologetic words, the simple fact that he was in this situation in the first place. Lance and Princess Allura were secret lovers, and now I was the greatest obstacle between them. This revelation erased the fatigue I had just seconds before, overcome by my turbulent emotions. However, Lance's ministrations with my hair did eventually mollify me again, but not before I swore not to let myself fall for him. After all, what good would come from loving an emotionally unavailable man?

---  

I still remember the path to my home. It is a relief, yet I do notice the many changes that had occurred during my absence. Nothing major, just buildings that were new now looking faded, properties with overgrown plants, some walls repainted, the odd new store. The little discrepancies from my memory make me anxious about reaching my destination. What if I don't like the change I find there? 

As if sensing my uncertainty, Lance reaches out to squeeze my hand. I would be lying if I said I didn't have reservations about bringing him along at first. Yet, at the moment I couldn't be more relieved that he came with me. I don't usually care for too much physical contact, but even as kids I never minded his more tactile personality. Aside from that, I just really needed something to hold on to at the moment, and if Lance is gracious enough not to complain about my sweaty hands, then I'll gladly hold on to him. 

I might grip a little too hard when we approach the front yard. It looks mostly unchanged from my memories. Some trees are taller, and the color on the fence is a little more faded, but it is essentially identical to how it looked when the Empire took me away. I could imagine I'm just a teenager again, coming back from town and eager to greet my Mother, who'd be working in the garden. Even Lance would fit into this image somehow. He could be an old friend I ran into that wanted to drop in to say 'hi'. The one thing that is different is the silence. Back then, I could always expect to hear Mom humming some random tune to herself. The fact that I don't hear her makes me fear the worst. So when I do finally gather the courage to walk in, I am more than relieved to find Mom where I expected her. Sure, the garden is slightly more chaotic than I thought she would have ever let it become, and she seems to be listless in her movements, but none of that matters. 

“Mom!” I let go of Lance's hand as I run-tackle her. Seconds later, she's out of whatever stupor she was in and holding me in an even tighter grip then mine. I feel tears on my face, and I honestly don't know if it's mine or hers, but I'm honestly just happy to be surrounded by her scent once again. Before I know it, I am surrounded by more arms as Dad and Matt join us in our reunion. I am starting to have trouble breathing from all the embraces, but I couldn't care less. I'm finally home.

I remember Lance a good few minutes after being immersed with my family. I look towards the gate where I had last seen him, and sure enough, he's still there, nervously shifting his feet. 

“Oh, guys, this Lance, my… husband.” Even though it is the truth, calling him that feels wrong somehow. Yet, calling him anything else would feel dishonest too. Regardless, I doubt anything I called him would have prevented the mood shifting drastically. As my family looks towards him, their faces shift from ecstatic to somber. Lance doesn't flinch as they all seem to dissect him with their eyes, however unwarranted, because he is also aware of what he represents. For better or worse, Lance is a reminder that my freedom is conditional. I just wish somebody would say something already. 

“It's nice to...” Mom tries “... I'm Colleen, and this is Sam, Katie's father, and that's Matt, my first born.” 

“I, uhm, kinda knew that already. Not that I don't appreciate the introduction, but me and Pidge… uh Katie, used to be friends back in the day.” 

“Really? Wait, are you Lance Serrano?” Dad asks. 

“Yeah, I am. Do you remember me?” 

“Not personally, but your sister used to be my student back in Arus.” 

“Oh right!” Matt also interjects. “Your Veronica's baby brother.”

“That would be me. I completely forgot about that connection.” Honestly, so had I. In my memories of my old Hometown, Lance is just a fixture, I barely remember how we first met. I imagine one of us tagged along with our respective older sibling on a group study session, and the rest is history. 

“It's funny, how these things work out.” Dad remarks, a hint of a smile returning. Looks like the tension is gradually dispersing. Although the fact that Lance is technically a criminal is probably still a point of concern for my family, the shared history is more than a little reassuring. With this lighter atmosphere, we head inside. Some polite questions and answers are exchanged between Lance and my parents, and despite the conversation being standard small talk, it seems to be further helping. Oddly enough, Matt doesn't seem to have anything else to say. I know it's been a few years, but I remember my brother being more inquisitive. It was one of the many traits we had in common. I'll have to find out what that's about later. Right now, I just have to ensure that my parents don't tell Lance something he shouldn't hear. Platonic relationship or not, there are some things I'd rather keep secret.

When I first headed out on this venture, I had no idea how long it would take. We had a late start because post-Wedding frenzy is exhausting, even without consummation. And then we didn't leave for another two hours, because Lance insisted that we have brunch before meeting my family. He said it was for his nerves, but I suspect he was doing it for my sake. Now, it seems like we'll be here for a week, or at least till dinner. It's still being negotiated. Fortunately, the tension has all but dissipated. Apart from Matt, everybody has considerably eased up. So much so, that everybody seems to have found something else to do. Dad took Lance aside for 'Man-Talk', which I'm sure will consist of standard Dad-threats. Matt is out on an errand for Mom, and I am trying, and failing, at helping with dinner. 

“Out of the question.” She insists. “You just got married, I missed your wedding, and you've just returned. I'm not going to force you to cook when we should be celebrating you. Besides, you're not that good at cooking.”

“That might have been true three years ago, but I've picked up some skills at the Dormitory, and now the food I make is known to be 'edible enough'.”

“Is that so? Then did you also make breakfast and lunch today?”

“First of all, we had brunch… and Lance made it.”

“Aha!”

“Hey! That was only because he was the one that wanted brunch in the first place.”

“Come on, Katie. Just relax. Go check out your room, I'm sure there are some projects left from back then” she says wistfully. 

“You… You didn't clear out my room?”

“I couldn't. At first I was hoping that you would return soon, and when you didn't the most I could do is some light cleaning, but I… I just wanted the things that you left to still be there when you returned. Clearing them would have felt like… losing you all over again.”

And here I thought I was done with crying today. “I… I think I will check it out” I rasp as I wipe my tears. 

“Oh, baby” She coos as she hugs me. “I'm just so happy to have you back.” I squeeze her back before I head to my old room, actually excited by what I might find. Mom was right, apart from my bed being made, my laundry picked up, and some light dusting, my room looks practically the same as the day I left it. If I didn't know better, I'd think I was just returning to my projects after a family vacation. I recognize the function of some of my contraptions on sight. For others I have to consult my notebook, which is still in it's usual spot. I am contemplating if I should try to move my projects to my new place, or if I should start from scratch when Matt busts into my room.

“Perfect, you're alone.”

“Matt, what's going on?”

“I was hoping to talk to you alone. Pidge, you can tell me the truth. Did he hurt you? Is he dangerous? Just say the word, and I'll take care of him. Veronica may be my friend, but your my sister, and you come first...”

“OK, slow down, weirdo. Lance is harmless. Do you really think I would have brought him here if he was in any way a threat?” 

“How was I to know that? For all I know, he's a control freak, that doesn't let you go anywhere without him.”

“Again, Lance is not like that. Also, if that were the case, come on, this is me we're talking about. Do you really think I couldn't sneak away if I wanted to?”

“I don't know, you didn't these past three years.” He blurts out. When he realizes what he said, he grimaces and looks to the floor, clearly not intending to be this honest. To be fair he has a point. The security measures at the Dormitory were laughable. 

“I did think about breaking out more than once, but it was never worth the risk.” I explain, in the hopes of bringing some kind of comfort. 

“I understand,” He lifts his face again. “Doesn't change the fact that I wished you had. You didn't deserve to be in the Dormitory in the first place, and every day you were stuck there, I couldn't help feeling guilty.” 

“Hey, you didn't deserve to be condemned for a crime you didn't commit. Besides, it wasn't all that bad. Sure it was boring, but I got my three meals a day, and my room was actually bigger than this one. It's a pity I couldn't take my tools with me. I could have gotten so much done.” 

“That's good to know,” And from the look on his face, I can tell that a huge burden has been lifted. “But back to the original topic. Is Lance treating you right? He didn't… you know…”

“Oh my Bob, Matt, no! All we did on our 'Wedding Night' is catch up, and then literally sleep. Besides, that's never going to happen.”

“I might regret this, but can I ask why not?”

“The same reason he was sentenced in the first place.”

“... Which was?”

I sigh as I brace myself to drop this bomb. “Because he is Princess Allura's Secret Lover.”

“HER WHAT?!!!”

“Shh, are you trying to alert the whole neighborhood?”

“But… are you serious? Did he tell you that?”

“Not in so many words, but what he has said, combined with the clandestine meeting I had with the princess in question at my wedding reception leads me to believe that's probably the case.”

“You met the heir to the Altean throne? Tell me everything.”

And so I wind up telling him everything that happened yesterday from the time Lance opened my door to his cryptic confession in our shared bed. When I'm done, he has a contemplative look on his face.

“So, how do you feel about all this?” Is his first question. 

“What do you mean? I mean the whole thing's crazy, but do you want me to get specific or should I just speak in generalities?” 

“I mean about the fact that he might not reciprocate your feelings for him.” He deadpans. I am about to say something—a denial, a retort, or whatever—but he beats me to it by saying. “And before you lie to me, I'll remind you that I've known you since the day you were born, and also my observational skills are legendary, so of course I can recognize when you're in love with someone.”

“I'm not in love with him. It's just an old childhood crush that refuses to die, and it doesn't matter. He didn't have feelings for me before, the only difference between then and now is that he's in love with someone else and we're married.”

“That's quite a difference.”

“Tell me about it.” We share a sad laugh together. 

“Hey, if you think you can handle it, then I'm not going to stop you. But your wrong, Pidge. Your feelings do matter. And if it ever gets to be too overwhelming, or if you just need to vent, I'm right here.”

“Thanks, Matt. I'll hold you to that. But enough about me, what's been going on with you? Are you still single, loser?” 

“OK, you little gremlin. I might currently be the only unmarried member of this family, but I'll have you know, I've been seeing someone as of recently.”

“Wow, that's exciting!” It's actually a relief to know that Matt continued having a life in the years I was gone. We spend the time until dinner discussing his foreign Lady Friend and some projects he and Dad had been working on. At dinner, I am happy to learn that the tension from earlier has completely lifted, and that we'll be staying for two weeks. Lance gets along great with my family now. I don't know if the conversation he had with Dad went that well, or if this is just another case of Lance Magic, but the way we joke and laugh together, you would think he's been a part of the family for years. In another life, this might have been ordinary family dinner with my new Husb... “ No! Stop it! You're not doing yourself any favors by letting your thoughts go that way. He's never going to love you like that, so don't even imagine what that would be like” I remind myself. But, even as I try to suffocate whatever warm feelings were developing, somewhere deep inside, I know I've missed a few sparks.

---

It has been about two months, and I think I'm starting to get the hang of this marriage. It helps that Lance is such a great partner. As tactile as he is, he never makes me uncomfortable, and even when he gets touch happy, I don't really mind it. I don't like examining why this is, so I just settle to accept it. I'll admit it was a bit awkward those first weeks, figuring out sleeping arrangements, boundaries, and basically a routine for our new lives. Perhaps because of our established friendship, or just the fact that our house is not that big, we ease into an unspoken understanding. In the privacy of our house—I still can't think of it as Home yet—we give each other space, but share a bed. In public we hold hands, and exchange cheek kisses or the occasional chaste peck. 

As for the question of occupation, we will be receiving a Government Stipend until the Empire assigns us, or more likely just Lance, a new position. According to the lectures from back in the Dorm this shouldn't take longer than six months, however, our case worker said that it would take at least a year, as Lance's case was a little more 'sensitive'. Either way, it doesn't matter. If the Empire wants to sponsor my inventions and experiments instead of giving Lance a job, then who am I to argue. I was concerned about Lance growing restless, but he surprisingly took up gardening. 

“Hey, it's hard work so it will keep me in shape, and if they decide to let me return to the Royal Guard, then at least I'll be ready.” is his explanation. Mom approved of his pick, naturally. Other than that, it's almost like being back in Arus. Just two friends on an extended sleepover. Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself. True, it's been a while since we were friends, but even then Lance has always had a way to creep past my defenses. Back then I was just introverted. Now, I'm trying not to fall for him. 

And yet, as if somehow my secret thoughts have snuck into his subconscious, his mannerisms seem to be calculated to make me undone. It’s in the little things, like the way he'll ask a thousand questions about whatever project I'm working on, just because he wants to see what I'm so excited about. Or how he doesn't wear a shirt unless he absolutely has to. The forehead kisses in the morning, which I always roll my eyes at, but never outright tell him to stop. Every time he remembers some old joke from our childhood, my resolve wavers just a little bit more. 

There are the more affectionate actions. The not-at-all surprise party he organized on my 18th birthday is one of the most specific examples. As caught up as I get with my projects, I had told him a week in advance just in case my parents or Matt dropped by or something. So on the actual day, when he insisted that we have to visit my family, because he had 'Important Questions about Squash' for Mom, I knew right away what he had up his sleeve. Yet his proud smile at having pulled one over me was so infectious, that I couldn't help but play along. 

And then there are the 'Just Because' incidents. Like how he made me a bracelet from some of my leftover Olkari wires about a month ago, 'just because he remembered that he never got me a wedding gift.' Or how he'll occasional take me out for dinner at some affordable, but still atmospheric restaurant, 'just because neither of us feel like cooking , right?' Or the fact that he still strokes my hair as we fall asleep, 'just because it relaxes him too.' Combined with the random tickle fights, and how he makes a point to always go on little 'Adventures' like exploring the City, going out dancing, or rediscovering a game we both love, I'm a little surprised that I have been able to hold out for these past few months. But for every little bit that I come closer to just giving in, I remind myself that he doesn't really belong to me. With every kind touch I remind myself that he longs to have this with Allura. It breaks my heart a bit, but it does the trick. 

Some days are tougher than others. 

Today for instance, we are on our way to our only couple friends, Hunk and Shay. Hunk is actually another friend of ours from Arus who had also moved to the Capital around the same time Lance joined the Royal Guard. I had run into him about a month ago when I had been looking for parts at a market, and once he learned that Lance had not been mauled by Lions he immediately invited us to his diner, where I was introduced to his wife, Shay, and their two kids. Now, his diner is a frequent haunt for us. 

Although, I adore Hunk and his family, going on outings with them presents a unique kind of complication. His children are still very young, so each time they are present, we have to play the Happy Couple, because explaining the truth would be too complicated. To make matters worse, the particular reason we are visiting is because we were invited to a picnic, which wouldn't be so bad in itself. However, not only will Hunks extended family be attending, who may or may not have been filled in about our situation, but also Shay's conservative Balmeran family, who don't understand Galra culture and are definitely not in the know, are going to be there too. It's one thing to trick a two and three year old that we're a normal couple, but how am I going to do that for at least 30 people of varying ages?

“You're overthinking again.” Lance tells me as he playfully bumps into my shoulder.

“I'm just trying to brace myself for what's to come.”

“You make it sound like we're going to war.”

“We might as well be. One wrong word and I shock, traumatize, or cause some other huge incident which will ruin the picnic, and Hunk and Shay worked so hard on it, I don't want to be the one that disappoints our friends, also...”

“Hey, hey! Look at me. It's going to be OK. You don't need to put on a production. So we're not a conventional couple, it's not like we've got a huge sign pointing that out. As long as we are comfortable around each other nobody is going to notice.”

“I guess you have a point, but it's not just about them.” I finally confess. “Your family is also going to be there. I haven't seen them since the wedding, and I was a bit dazed then. I just want to make a better impression, so they can be assured that you're fine, after everything you've been through...”

“Come on, Pidge. My week in holding is nothing compared to your years of separation from your family. Besides, my family have been bugging me for ages to bring you along. You don't need to impress them because they already love you.”

“It's just...” I can't tell him why this really is important. I've never confirmed Lance and princess Allura's relationship, partially because I didn't want to remind him of what he can't have anymore, and partially because I was afraid of his answer. I also don't know if his family was even aware of his affair with the princess. Regardless, I just want them to know that he is relatively happy again. I nervously play with my bracelet as these thoughts rush through my mind. Suddenly, Lance picks me up, so quickly that I almost drop the gift for Hunk that I was carrying. “Lance!”

“What? You're the one that wanted present us as a 'Happy Couple'.”

“Yes, 'Happy', not 'Obnoxious'. Put me down, this is embarrassing.” I hate the fact that this has my heart racing.

“I don't know, I'm kinda starting to like this. I've always wanted to pick you up, but was always afraid of you kicking my ass. I really wish I'd done this sooner, this is surprisingly fun.”

Quiznack, I can feel my face turning red. “Lance, I swear if you don't put me down now, I'm going to make you regret it.”

“Why are you so against this? If you think about it logistically, we're actually getting there faster because I don't have to pace myself so you can keep up.”

“Lance, if anybody sees me like this, I will hurt you!” I yell as I start hitting his chest.

“Are you still worried about impressing everybody at the Picnic?”He asks in between the odd wince.

“What? What does that have to do with anything?” For some reason my question makes him smirk as if I'd fallen for an elaborate prank. Wait.

“Well, based on that response, my work is done.” And with that he puts me back on the ground. I hate the fact that his dumb trick worked, and I really hate that I wish his hands had lingered a little longer on my waist. “And we're here. Hi Hunk!”

“Hey, Lovebirds! Glad you could make it here. But please, keep the PDA to a minimum. There are children present.” Of all people I least wanted to witness this, Hunk is on top of that list. Not because he'll give me crap about this, not because he's among the people who know of our circumstances, not even because he's one of the few people who know about my complicated feelings towards Lance. It's because he's convinced that my potential feelings aren't as one-sided as I know they are, and he takes every opportunity to try to prove this. So Lance carrying me around like a… for the lack of a better word, bride , is probably going to give him mileage for weeks to come. Well, not today. I march towards the picnic sight, only pausing to shove my gift at him. Before he can make another remark, I bee-line towards the refreshments table. With any luck I'll find something strong there to tide me over. 

---

I should have figured that an event with 'children present', wouldn't have a beverage stronger than fruit punch. Luckily, Lance is right and most of the afternoon passes smoothly. Sure, I could do without Hunk's smug looks, but if that were enough to put me off, then we would never hang out. There are a few awkward lulls in conversation, when somebody from Lance's family will ask me how I'm holding up, or Shay's grandmother asks me how long we 'courted', but Lance is always there to back me up, so we are able to get past these hurdles as well. 

Presently, anybody who had been curious about me has been satisfied and moved on to have other conversations. Lance is goofing off with all the kids, and I am content to watch him. If he doesn't get reassigned to the Royal Guard, then I hope he gets a position in Child Care. He's a natural with those ankle-biters. I doubt I could be that patient with them, no matter how cute they were. I wish… what's Hunk doing?

“Can I get everybody's attention for a bit?” He calls as he hits a fork against his cup. “I have a little announcement to make.”

Although his words seem innocuous, I know better than to underestimate him. I brace myself for his next words, in case this is another match-making scheme.

“Well, actually…” He beckons to Shay to come to him, and instantly wraps his arm around her when she reaches him, making her giggle. “We've got an announcement.”

OK, so maybe it's not as bad as I think. Shay is too much of a sweetheart to take part in anything too devious. But then again, I haven't known her that long.

“Alright so I would just like to say, thank you all for coming. I love you all, and I… we… do you want to tell them?”

“You were doing so well, you should proceed.”

“But, it's technically more about you than me.”

“We did this together.”

Yikes. It's times like this I'm glad my marriage is platonic. Lance, and everybody else for that matter, seem to be amused by these antics. I mean, I guess it's kinda sweet but it's not that entertaining. Clearly, I am missing something. I poke Lance in the ribs, and raise my brow at him. Luckily, he understands what I'm trying to ask. 

“It's just they always do this, at this point it's a running gag.”

“That still leaves me wondering why.”

“Just wait for it.”

As if on cue, Hunk and Shay seem to have finally agreed to say whatever they are trying to say together. “We are having another baby!!!”

Oh. 

Everybody breaks out in enthusiastic, but not really surprised, applause. Although this is my first time to witness, what is apparently a routine pregnancy announcement, I can't say that I'm surprised either that Hunk and Shay are the type of parents who would still be  this excited with each new child. With Lance taking the lead, people start crowding towards them so they can congratulate them.

As I wait for my moment, I fall back into my new hobby of discreetly observing Lance. He remains beside the expecting couple as if this was his kid too, which in a way makes sense. He's already Mirax and Tui's Godfather, so it wouldn't surprise me if they already asked him to take that role a third time. However, as I watch him excitedly exchange small-talk with all the well-wishers, it suddenly hits me. He's not just good with children, he wants some of his own. I see the longing in his eyes as his smile seems to become impossibly wider. I sigh as I turn my face away, only for my eyes to fall on my bracelet. Brilliant, as if I didn't feel guilty enough. I make it a point to keep my arms behind my back as I keep waiting for the crowd to pass, but even like this, I can't quite stop fiddling with my bracelet. 

After what seems like an eternity, I finally approach Hunk and Shay, and by extension, Lance. When I'm about seven paces away from them, they all turn to me with a gleeful look that immediately raises red flags. Unfortunately, it is too late for me to back away. 

“Pidge! We've been wondering when you would get here. Hunk and Shay have something very important to ask you.” Lance enthuses.

“Oh, I was just trying to avoid the crowd. You know I like my space. So, uhh… what did you need?”

“I suppose you must have already assumed that we asked Lance to be this one's Godfather...” Shay begins in her uniquely Balmeran speech pattern. 

“So, we were wondering how you would feel about being the kid's Godmother.” Hunk finishes.

“... Wait, you're serious?”

“Why would we be jesting?”

“I just… am not the best with kids.”

“Don't worry, I didn't think I would be that good when they had Mirax, but now I'm a natural. And if you need help with this Godparenting thing then I'll be right here.” Lance tries to console me. Somehow I doubt there was ever a time he wasn't a natural at this, seeing as he's been an Uncle since he was thirteen. I decide not to comment on this though. 

“Are you sure you wouldn't rather ask someone else? Someone you've known longer?” I ask Shay. 

“I may not have been acquainted with you for long, but for the short amount of time I have known you, I have found you to be a brilliant and thoughtful friend. I would be honored if you would accept this title.”

“I agree, there's nobody better I could think of for the job.” Hunk chimes in.

A large part of me wants to say no, it's bad enough trying to hold back my stupid feelings, while being in a platonic marriage, but additionally being pseudo-parents for a child together might wreak all kinds of havoc on my hormones. And yet, the three nicest people I know are asking me to do this. Hunk, annoying as he may be sometimes, is one of the best friends I've ever had, and Shay is such an angel, I could never deny her anything. But of course, Lance looking at me like I would be doing him a favor by co-Godparenting this unborn child is what ultimately does me in.

“I mean, if you insist. Don't say I didn't warn you if this kid becomes a hell-raiser.”

Their response is to envelope me in a group hug, which is par for the course with this group of people. Although I still have some apprehensions about this whole business, for the moment it doesn't seem too bad.

--- 

The weather was pleasant for most of the day, but now as Lance and I are heading back to our house, the sky is beginning to look a bit overcast. This doesn't seem to disturb Lance one bit, who still seems to be giddy from the whole baby business. It's always nice to see him like this. 

“You know, If you'd have asked us about five years ago which one of us would have more kids by the time we hit our twenties, we both would have said, me. And yet, here we are.”

“Is this you bragging about your playboy past again?”

“No, smart-ass. This is me reminiscing about my youth.”

“Really, at the ripe old age of 19?” 

“I'll be 20 in a few months.”

“That's not a great counterargument.”

“I'll show you a counterargument!” He says as he tries to noogie me. But I see him coming, and am able to dodge in the nick of time. This devolves into a chase-tickle fight and for a while I am content to remain in this blissful state. However, Lance doesn't seem to be done with the topic.

“Do you ever think about having children someday?” He asks with his arms casually embracing me from behind, walking as if he is unhindered by our position.

Now that's a minefield of a question, and we were having such a good time too. “I don't know. You know I'm more comfortable with my lab than people. I just think I'd be worried about seriously messing up.”

“You do fine with Hunk and Shay's kids.”

“Well yeah, but I'm not in charge of them 24/7. With my own kid, I'd be bound to screw up at some point.”

“I think you should give yourself more credit. You're pretty dedicated to family, I think our marriage can more than attest to that. That's a great foundation to have as a parent, in my opinion. I bet you'd be one of those fierce protective moms. Like a bear, or a lioness.”

“Too bad we'll never find out” slips out of my mouth. When Lance stops us in our tracks, I begin to realize that I messed up.

“I'm sorry. I didn't realize you already made up your mind.” He says apologetically. For some reason that infuriates me. 

“What do you have to be sorry for? Shouldn't you be happy that I'm not taking this from you too?”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

I really should stop right here, but now that I've gotten started I can't seem to curb my words anymore. 

“Isn't it obvious? I'm a living reminder of all the things you can't have anymore. The last thing you should want is more living shackles.” I snap as I shake out of his embrace.

“Again, where is this coming from? Where do you get off deciding how I feel about you? You make it sound like I resent you!”

“Well, don't you? Sure, you weren't mauled by a lion, but your married to somebody other than the woman you love, and isn't that a special kind of torture?”

“I...! That's not relevant!”

“How could it not be relevant?! You told me you were sentenced because you loved the wrong person. Do you really think I wouldn't figure out who you were talking about!”

“Pidge, it's not what you think!”

“Stop lying to me! I'm not your real wife, I'm just a live-in Prison Warden, you don't have to spare my feelings!!!”

“I'm not lying to you, you just don't have all the facts!!!”

“Then enlighten me, Serrano?! What critical information am I missing?!”

As if the weather could sense my mood, a bolt of lightning strikes across the sky, and it begins to rain heavily. “Come on, let's get back to the house” Lance says somberly. 

“Aren't you going to answer my question?” I retort, even as I'm shivering.

“Look, I'll tell you anything you want to hear as soon as we're indoors. Because I don't know about you, but I'd prefer if my gravestone didn't say 'killed by a bolt of lightning in the middle of an altercation with wife.'”

Right on cue, another bolt of lightning strikes, a little closer this time. I suppose he does have a point. I still make it a point not to talk to him as we rush back. 

It's surprisingly difficult to hold on to your ire when your cold and drenched. But I've always been special like that. Lance, though, seems to have mellowed out in the way he worriedly puts his hands on my cheeks.

“Your freezing! I'll grab some towels and dry clothes. Why don't you get the fire started? You should probably have a hot bath too.”

The thought that he needs the hot bath as much as I do, or that he's still not answering my question crosses my mind, but I don't mention either, because the fact that he's showing this much concern for me when we are technically still fighting irritates me more. I silently head to the fireplace without acknowledging him. I know it doesn't make sense, but I want him to be angry too before I can talk to him again. It doesn't feel right that I'm the only one who feels like this. As I'm about light the first log, Lance taps me on the shoulder. 

“Here, bundle yourself in this until I'm back. The sooner your out of those wet clothes, the better.” He says as he hands me my favorite comforter from the couch. Only once I take it in my hand does he finally leave. I'm almost tempted to remain in my wet clothes out of spite, but another shiver makes me think better of it. Once I have got the fire going I take off everything apart from my bracelet. It's irrational, which seems to be the trend at the moment, but even as incensed as I am, I can't bear to take it off. I haven't since he gave it to me. 

I'm bundled up in the comforter, slowly regaining my warmth, when he returns with towels and dry clothes. He drops a towel on my head, and starts drying his own hair, seemingly already having changed clothes. After securing the comforter under my arms, I start to dry my own hair. At this point a normal person would just calm down, but we have already established that I'm a special kind of petty, so I deliberately begin doing the most inefficient job off toweling my scalp. This, of all things, seems to be the thing that finally annoys him, as he huffs and drops in front of me to vigorously take over. 

I feel victorious for all of ten seconds until I realize that we are in ridiculously close proximity and I am, for all intents and purposes, naked. Lance seems to realize how unexpectedly intimate this moment is seconds later as he suddenly stops. I can't decipher what his facial expression is saying when I am finally brave enough to look up at him, so I am really caught by surprise at his next action. 

He's… he's… kissing me. And it is unlike any other kiss we ever shared before. It isn't the awkward kiss from our wedding, or the quick, almost clinical pecks. This is more like the kisses the Ladies used to giggle about at the Dorm. It makes me wonder what I had been doing all this time when I could have been doing this. The kind that almost makes me whimper when he finally pulls away. At some point my eyes must have closed as I am a bit confused for a second when I can't see anything. However, what I do see makes me panic. I may have not been able to predict what he was going to do a minute ago, but this time it's all too clear. And right now, an apology is the last thing that I want. So I reach up before he can say anything and kiss him again, dropping the comforter in the process. Yesterday, or maybe even five minutes ago, I would have screamed at myself about what a bad idea this is, but right now I couldn't care less. Maybe it's because of my inexperience, but I have this desperate need to have him be in the same state of undress as me. The change of clothes will remain untouched tonight.

--- 

The feeling of Lance's fingers drawing patterns on my thigh wakes me. It feels nice, but now that I am not caught up in the haze of last night anymore, my ability to think rationally has returned. Although my body would love nothing more than to drag him on top of me again, I have to put a stop to this trajectory before it gets even more complicated. 

“Lance...” Woah, that sounded a lot more seductive than I wanted.

“What do you need, Querida ?” He whispers as his hand moves up to my stomach. Maybe having this conversation as he's spooning me might not be the most productive strategy. I turn to face him, and am a little confused by his expression. Sure he sounded satisfied, but I thought that was just an involuntary physical reaction. Yet, he looks like he's eager to repeat our last activity, which makes absolutely no sense. I remember what Allura looked like, and I have no doubt in my mind that their relationship was physical. Even memories of being with her must be more appealing than fumbling around with a plain looking virgin like me. OK, as of now I can't really say I'm a virgin anymore, but my point still stands. I'm getting distracted, and if Lance's fingers moving on my back are any indication, so is he.

I clear my throat before I try talking again. “I think we need to talk about what happened.”

“Oh yeah?” He answers dreamily.

I take a deep breath. “I mean the fight.”

“Ahh.” That seems to sober him up. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to avoid...”

“It's alright” I interrupt him. 

“Are you sure?” He asks as he sits up “I didn't mean to keep my past a secret, it's just not entirely my story to tell...”

“Yeah, it's fine,” I say as I also sit up, careful to keep myself as covered as possible. “It's your decision on what you want to share with me, and I can understand you not wanting me in particular to know about something so private.”

“OK, I feel like I'm the one out of the loop now. What do you mean by that? Is this about how you called yourself my, what was it, 'live-in Prison Warden'? What is that all about?”

“Oh.” Strange, it never occurred to me that he wasn't aware of my real purpose. I suppose that's part of the design of this sentence. “I guess what they teach at the Dormitory is not as common as I thought. The point is, they’re not just instructing us on how to be good wives, with the standard cooking, hosting, and child-rearing lectures. We are also told, or borderline brainwashed, into learning how to bring our 'husbands' defenses down, in order to find out if they are intent on some kind of criminal activity. Ladies that turn in their husbands are rewarded much more than those who keep them upstanding. I'm pretty sure this was mentioned in our wedding vows, you should be aware of this.”

“Honestly that entire ceremony is a blur to me. I'll admit it sounds somewhat familiar, but I thought that was just ceremonial.” He self-consciously scratches the back of his head. Quiznack, why is he so endearing?

I sigh. “Look, I was being unfair to you then. Clearly, we had a different perspective of our relationship, and I wasn't honest about how I felt about your past, and my lack of knowledge. But you don't have to feel like you have to tell me. You've been nothing but kind to me all this time and you don't owe me anything.”

“I beg to differ, I literally owe you my life. If there is anything you want to know, all you have to do is ask.”

I am tempted to take him up on his offer, but I am still afraid of hearing the answer. “I'll wait until you're ready to tell me.”

He lets out a huge breath as he lies back. “I'm going to warn you now, that might take some time. There are some details I'm still trying to process myself, but I promise I will tell you everything.” The look in his eyes is incredibly sincere. “But I'll tell you right now, it's not as sordid as you probably think it is. I was essentially a glorified errand boy.” He stretches out his arms as he says this, which is insanely distracting. I shake my head and brace myself for the next part of our conversation. Sure, it's been going well until now, but it's bound to get somewhat awkward now that I'm actually addressing the other thing that happened.

“So, we should probably also discuss our… uh… tryst last night.”

This makes Lance overly alert again, and it's all I can do not just jump him myself. “That sounds reasonable.” He quips as he sits up again and tries to get as close as possible.

“I don't think it should happen again.”

“Oh...” He visibly deflates. “I must have really hurt you.”

Are you kidding me? How could he be this precious? “I mean at least for now. We clearly still have mixed feelings about each other, so we should probably hold off on a physical relationship until we have a better handle on things, right?” I add on. It feels a bit manipulative to imply that we might have a physical relationship again in the near future, but I just can't help myself. It kills me to seem him look so guilty. 

“I guess that makes sense.” He says despondently, but at the very least he doesn't look as upset as he did earlier. “I wouldn't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You mean a lot to me, Katie Holt.” 

I am probably going to regret this, but the thought of him thinking that he makes me even remotely uncomfortable is killing me. “I wouldn't say you made me uncomfortable, it was just surprising. But it was not a bad kind of surprising.” 

“I don't mind waiting. But I'll admit, it's going to be hard to think of anything else for a long time.”

“Is there anything I can do to make things easier?” So much for being rational. I can't even pretend I'm not doing this deliberately.

“Could I kiss you again?” We can both tell that it won't stop at just a kiss, but I can't stop my head from nodding. Post-coital euphoria is no joke. The kiss we share makes my entire body tingle, and as I suspected, it didn't stop at just my lips. He kisses my cheek, my neck, and basically the entire area between my shoulders, and I do nothing to stop him. In fact, I eagerly shed my covering as he pulls me towards him. After all the times we did it last night, what's one more bout going to change? We can always start abstaining afterwards. 

--- 

We wound up doing it four more times that day, five if you count us fooling around in the bath. And then a few more times the next day, and the next, and the next. At this point I've stopped telling myself that it would be the last time with every new instance. Those Dayaks really undersold how addicting sex is. However, the most surprising thing is how easily this new aspect fits into our routine. I still work on my projects, Lance still gardens, we go on little adventures, and hang out with our friends and he still does things ‘Just Because'. The only difference is that our physical interactions have had an upgrade. Hand-holding has become wrapping our arms around each other's shoulders, or waist in my case. Our chaste pecks have become toe-curling kisses. Caressing my hair is basically foreplay, and my morning forehead kisses are now naked cuddles. 

I'm afraid we have become that couple, and yes, Hunk gives me grief about it. However, I can't bring myself to say that I don't like this development. Sure, my old concerns haven't completely disappeared, but this isn't really compromising my determination not to fall in love with Lance. After all, the new physical aspect to our relationship is just that - physical. We're both young and have needs, plus whenever we're together like that it relieves a huge amount of stress. Things like the nature of Lance's feelings for the princess, or the fact that we were essentially married under duress don't seem to matter when we're writhing naked in bed. 

And the quiet moments are pretty blissful too. Like the one we are having right now. I am lying on top of him, my favorite place to lounge actually, just enjoying our after-sex haze, and Lance seems to be fascinated with my bracelet today. I for the life of me can't fathom why as he was the one who made it, but he can't seem to stop fiddling with it. It's a simple thing, a blue and a green wire entwined with a steel medallion attached. However, I love it. Even if whatever we had right now came to an end, I don't think I could bring myself to part with it no matter how painful it was. 

“So, you really don't ever take it off? Not even when you shower?”

“Yeah, you might not have been aware of it, but you actually picked the perfect materials to make this with. You see, Olkari tech is made to interface with nature, so among other things it is waterproof. And the steel you chose is actually Taujeerian Steel, which is made to withstand the most harrowing environments, and basically never rusts.”

“Huh. I was just thinking it looked pretty together, and that you would like it because it’s techy.”

“I mean you’re not wrong” I shrug. “It also reminds me of you, so each time I look at it I can't help but smile.”

“Aww!” he says as he kisses my wrist, inexplicably making me giggle. 

“I'm sorry I didn't get you anything. The gift giving aspect wasn't really focused upon in my lectures at the Dormitory, I was completely unprepared to give you a gift in return.”

“You know, Pigeon, at some point you will have to stop blaming everything on the Dormitory, and take responsibility for your actions. I'm a sensitive man, I can only take so much.” He over-dramatically covers his eyes with his right arm as he says this, milking this shtick for all it's worth. 

“Alright, sensitive man” I say as push myself off his chest “I'll let you throw your pity party, but I would like to take a hot shower, so I'm going to go do that now.” I actually strut out of our room. I don't think I've ever strutted before, especially not in the nude. It seems to have made an impression on Lance too, because he suddenly seems to be less upset about the fact that I haven't gotten him a gift and follows me into the bathroom. However, that fact lingers with me to the point that I can't focus on my projects. So I do the logical thing and turn that into my new project. I start the first phase at lunch.

“Hey, I got inspired for a new project and I need to get some new material. Do you want to help out?” 

Risky move, but I do need some material for other projects, and it's not unusual for me to ask him to accompany me either. He might not be tech savvy, but he likes shopping and is better at haggling than I am so he's actually very useful. I'm sure he won't get suspicious if I sneak off to purchase a bit of Snick Leather. 

“Sure, you don't even need to ask. You wanna go today?” 

“For the most part. There is some stuff you can't find here, so I was thinking of taking a weekend trip to Arus. I wish I didn't have to travel so far for those items, but it should be exciting to see our old neighborhood again. We could even visit the beach for a bit.”

“Ah! I'd love to, but I already promised to babysit for Hunk and Shay. They are going on their Anniversary vacation, remember?”

“Oh yeah, that totally escaped my mind.” I was completely aware of it. “That's too bad, it would have been fun to go with you… I know! I'll go with Matt. It's been a while since we hung out.” Basically since I started sleeping with Lance, but I'm sure there's no correlation.

“That's a great idea! But I really wish I could go with you. Are you sure you can't postpone your trip to next weekend?”

“The materials I'm looking for are pretty rare, if I go later I might not be able to get everything I need.”

“Fair enough.”

“Plus, we've been doing almost everything together since the wedding. Some space will do us good. Not to mention what we can do when I return.” I gently place my hand on his thigh, and give him my most innocent look. A winning combination, that I've only discovered recently. He doesn't have a chance.

“A-as long as you don't miss me too much.” he manages to pant out. Score.

---

Acquiring the Snick Leather was effortless. Not only did I get it without Lance getting any wiser, but I got it at a pretty good price too. Despite its durability, it's not the most popular material as it is not too attractive. Works for me. Things become dicey on the weekend trip. Not because Lance got suspicious, at least I don't think he did, but because Matt happened to catch us in very intense goodbye kiss. I'm actually surprised he didn't comment on it until we got to the beach.

“Are you still convinced your feelings are one sided?”

“Just because we're having sex doesn't mean that we're in love.”

“Uh, you're married, so it's not just sex. Besides, all I knew up till now, is that you enjoy heavy makeouts. It's curious that you would bring up sex in the first place.”

“First of all, we were forced into getting married so it doesn't count. Also, I thought you were the older sibling. You should know that things are never that cut and dry.”

“Oh yeah? Then what are we doing here?”

“What do you mean now?”

“I mean, we’re hunting for sea glass for a sentimental gift. That doesn't sound like prototypical friends-with-benefits behavior.”

“He already gave me a gift, it would be rude not to give one back in return.”

“And that's another thing!” He emphasizes as he grabs my right arm. “Don't you think this bracelet is a very romantic gesture? I mean he made it of materials you like working with, and he even had the medallion engraved with… S.H? I don't get it?”

“It's my name, genius.”

“Really? Because last I checked, neither Katie nor Pidge started with an 'S'... Wait, is Lance in love with Dad?”

“No, doofus. It's my legal name. He wanted to do my initials originally, but there was only enough space for two letters. He couldn't decide between K.H or P.H, so went with S.H, for Serrano-Holt… Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Why didn't you tell me this before?”

“You never asked. I still don't see why that's making you look so giddy.”

“It's because he's staking his claim.”

“No, he's not!”

“But he totally is! Fact the first, he gave you a gift. But not just any gift, a self-made gift, so it is unique, and the connection with him is undeniable.”

“Matt...”

“Fact the second! He gave it to you spontaneously, not because of an anniversary, birthday, or romantic holiday, simply to please you.”

“Your wrong on that part, it was a late wedding gift.”

“Oh, you mean a gift for a government imposed ceremony where such sentimental gestures are not only not required, but are not expected whatsoever?”

“...”

“That's what I thought. Getting to the final fact, he literally put his name on it. If that isn't a classic display of primal ownership, I don't know what is.”

“You're reading too much into this, he gave this to me way before we… became this intimate.”

“Aww, look who's feeling bashful now” he mocks me. I punch him in the arm for his troubles. “But this just builds my case for me. This way you can't write this off as him rewarding you for keeping his endorphins active. He just, possibly on just a subconscious level, wanted to signal that you're taken.”

His arguments are actually compelling, but I don't want to admit it. I go back to searching for the perfect piece of sea glass. 

“So do you admit defeat?”

“I think it's pointless to speculate about his feelings, when I could just ask him.” 

“So are you going to?”

“No, and do you know why? Because I don't care.” Matt shrugs, but doesn't look convinced. I ignore him, and focus on my search. It takes a bit of time, but I eventually find the perfect one. It's shaped like a drop, almost as blue as Lance's eyes, but it also has some flecks of green, that give it an oceanic look. I grab a few more as backup. Luckily, Matt seems to be satisfied with all the comments he made about  my relationship, as he doesn't make any more remarks about it as we head to the Artisan. In fact, the rest of the trip goes much more smoothly. The Artisan, an old friend of Matt's named Nyma, is patient with me and I only destroy two of my backup glass pieces as I drill holes into them. She even helps me treat the Snick Leather, although not without scoffing. 

“It's just such an ugly red.” She mutters. I don't argue with her, because I’m not in the mood to get into the cliche ‘Style vs. Function’ debate. Also, she's not forcing me to pick another material, so I don't really care what she says. After all, it's not for her.

“Do you want it reinforced?” She asks as I am about to attach the sea glass to the leather strip.

“What, the leather?”

“No, the only thing the Snick Leather needs is a dye job, which is impossible, because it's the leather from hell. I was actually talking about the sea glass. Based on your choice of leathers, you're hoping to make this trinket last for years. Well if you use this glass in its current state, it will last a week. A month if you're extra careful. However, there is a firing process that can make it nigh invulnerable. You know, if it doesn't burst from the pressure. But hey, that's what you have back-ups for.”

“Sounds good, let's do it.”

“Yeah, actually it's an eight hour process. And we only have the one oven, which won't be available for the weekend. But I still highly recommend that you take the extra wait time to have it done. I'll just have to mail it to you.”

“OK, do you have a piece of paper somewhere?”

I write down my address, and then I head out to meet Matt at the place we're lodging. I'm a little disappointed that I can't have the final touch on the necklace, but I did do most of the work, so I am quite content with that. Maybe it's Matt's theory, Hunk's past teasing, my own secret hopes swirling around in my head, or just the simple fact it now feels weird to sleep without Lance's body heat surrounding me, but that night I find myself having a hard time falling asleep.

---

I did not actually expect to find the sea glass so soon, so we're heading back a day early. I just said goodbye to Matt and am heading to Hunk and Shay's place, where I expect Lance to still be. I see the kids playing in the garden as I approach. Hopefully, they're in a compliant mood.

“Hey guys!” I wave at them in what I hope comes across as friendly. Tui waves back, Mirax just glares. Oh goody, this is going to be fun. “Do you know where Uncle Lance is?”

“Yeah! He is...” Tui starts before he is interrupted by his sister

“Don't tell her.”

“Why not?”

“Because...” she looks at me smugly now “she is a stranger.”

I'm a what now?

“I'm not a stranger Mirax. I'm Uncle Lance's wife, remember?”

“Then why didn't you have a wedding?”

“We did have one, you just weren't there.”

“Why weren't we there?”

Geez, how do I say “because your parents didn't think a potential public execution was their idea of a fun family activity” without scaring her?

“It was a secret wedding. In fact, it was so secret, we didn't even know it was going to happen until it did.”

“That's not how weddings work!” She protests.

Wow, was I this opinionated as a three year old? I look to Tui in the vain hopes that he could help me, but all he does is shrug. Brilliant, I guess I'll have to use my secret weapon.

“Well I guess if I'm a stranger I'll have to eat these peanut butter cookies by myself” I say as I grab the packet of cookies from my satchel. This suddenly gets their attention. “Oh, yeah. I was going to share these with my good friends Mirax and Tui. But if you say I'm a stranger, then I guess I can't share them after all. Too bad. I was really, really looking forward to sharing with my friends but I guess I have no choice. Aaaa!” I take an exaggerated bite of the cookie. “No choice at all.”

Tui gives his sister a distressed look. Mirax looks like she's weighing up if her principles or a cookie have priority. In the end cookies win, naturally, because as much as she hates the fact that I take Uncle Lance's attention away from her, she is in fact only three. After two cookies, she is willing to talk. 

“Uncle Lance is inside talking with his friend from the Castle. They have been in there forever, even though he promised to spend the weekend with us. And now you're going to take him away too.”

Friend from the Castle? Does she mean somebody from the Royal Guard? Or perhaps it's our case-worker. Is Lance finally going to be reassigned?

“I wasn't going to take Uncle Lance away. I just got back early and I wanted to say hi. I'll go check what's taking him so long, OK?”

“OK.” Mirax nods her agreement. I head for the front door and try my best to sneak insides in the hopes of surprising him. Instead I am startled when I discover that the 'Friend from the Castle' was none other than Princess Allura. 

--- 

It's been a week, and I still can't get the image out of my mind. They were hugging, and I think I saw tears in the princess' eyes. I'm not proud of my decision to flee, but I had been so overwhelmed with emotions that I was afraid of what I would do. A part of me hopes this is a misunderstanding, but I don't feel so optimistic about that. Lance insisted that there was no relationship between him and Allura, but perhaps he just wasn't aware of how she felt about him. The fact that she went so far as to find out which door I would be behind, coupled with how sad she was that day, clearly indicates that she has some regard for him. I want to scream and beg simultaneously, anything to make him experience the fraction of the turmoil I am going through. But I know the moment I do that, I will put an end to what we have, and as miserable as I am, I can't quite bring myself to do that. So, I'll just wait until he finally calls it quits, no matter how long it takes. 

I can't bear to be intimate with him anymore. Not now that I've finally stopped lying to myself. There's nothing like seeing your husband embracing another woman to make you admit that you're in love with him, am I right? Lance never questioned me about my sudden reluctance, but I can see that he's confused. It almost makes me want to just confess everything, but I'm afraid of what the outcome to that will be. No, I just want to savour what little time I have left. I know my actions might not reflect it, but even like this I still cherish his presence, and I don't want to be the one that pushes him away. 

In other news, the gift arrived yesterday. I contemplated throwing it out the whole day, but for the same reason I still haven't taken my bracelet off, I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it. It was a labor of love, and even if he doesn't return my feelings, I would like to give it to him some day. Perhaps as a farewell present.

“Pidge, I think we should talk.” Oh. I somehow thought I would have more time. “I might be the one overthinking things for once, but I feel like there is something off between us, and I don't know how to fix it. So if I upset you somehow then please, just tell me what I can do to make things right?”

Here goes nothing.

“... I love you, Lance.” His eyes practically pop out. “And before you say anything, I need to get a few more things of my chest, so please let me just say it all first.” He was already in the midst of saying something, but instead he shuts his mouth and nods. I take a deep breath. “I know about you and Allura. Or at the very least, I think I do. I am aware she acquired confidential information just so she could help you choose the right door. I know this because she told me as much at the wedding. I know that she played a central part in you being convicted. I also saw her hugging you with tears in her eyes. 

So, I've come to a decision. I appreciate everything you have done on my behalf. However, I want you to think about yourself now. The woman you loved returns your feelings, at least to some degree. So if you think there's a chance you can be together, then I want to support you. I know it will hurt, but don't worry about me. You're my first love, so heartbreak was inevitable. And I know it will be complicated, what with us being married, and Lotor being ridiculously possessive of Allura, but I'm sure we'll work something out so...” I need to grab the gift “... that's the gist of it.” I head towards our room but am not able to take any more than two steps before Lance picks me up and begins showering my face with kisses. Three on my forehead, five on my left cheek, eight on my right, two on each eyelid, and countless ones on my temples. What is going on?

“I'm so sorry” Huh? “I'm sorry, I love you too. So much, you have no idea. And is it OK if I talk now? Quiznack, I should have told you everything ages ago. True, I didn't have all the facts until recently, but I should have told you what little I know. I can't believe I left you to worry about whether I was hung up on somebody else. Can you ever forgive me?”

I am honestly too dazed to move. He carries me to the living room, where he sits down on his favorite spot and makes it a point not to let me leave his lap. He puts his forehead against mine, takes a deep breath, and begins his story.

--- 

I was 18 and had just been inducted officially into the Royal Guard. That very year, Princess Allura of Altea arrived for what was officially a diplomatic mission, but that everybody knew was ploy to create an alliance via marriage between her and Lotor. I think pretty much everybody who didn't already have a significant other was a little bit in love with her. A princess is basically every soldier's fantasy, and it didn't hurt that she was stunning to look at. And you know me, even back in Arus I was always full of bluster. I kept on bragging about the fact that the princess was going to fall hopelessly in love with me, it was just a matter of time, despite never having talked to her. 

One day, one of my fellow soldiers—I think it might have been Griffin, it could have been Kinkade—dared me to actually do something about it if I was so confident. So I did… by writing love poems. Please don't ask me to recite any, just thinking about them makes me wince. Anyway, I would basically compose these atrocious poems and then hand them over to Allura's handmaiden—Romelle. You remember her, right?—in the hopes that she would deliver them. For a while, nothing happened, but one day Romelle actually returned with a response from the princess. She also had a note, which was apparently from her to 'the handsome broody one.' I knew right away she must be talking about Keith. The letter I got was a polite refusal, and I never did find out what was in Keith's note because right after he read it he kissed it and then burned it. I thought that was odd, but I generally thought that he was an odd person, so I shrugged it off. 

For a few months, this was the pattern. I would send a sub-par poem, Romelle would deliver a polite rejection letter from the princess, and a personal note for Keith. I would deliberately misconstrue my message, Keith would kiss his note and burn it, I’d wait a week, we’d restart the cycle. It was as routine as marching. And then the messages stopped. Even I could recognize that as a dismissal, and although I was upset for a bit, I got over it. At the very least I took comfort in the fact that Keith seemed to have been dumped by Romelle too. And hey, being dumped by a handmaiden has got to be more embarrassing than being dumped by a princess. When I reached out to him, in the hopes of having someone to commiserate with, he told me that they had moved, 'beyond the letter writing stage'. You bet that annoyed me like nothing else. 

However, I started to become curious. Keith and I shared the same quarters, so I always noticed when he sneaked in and out. I started to notice that every-time he returned he actually looked happy, which if you knew Keith you would know is super rare. The fact that his relationship could change his attitude this drastically was nothing short of miraculous to me. So one day I asked him 'What's it like to be in love?' He was hesitant to answer me at first, but when I confessed that I am not sure I really know what it feels like, after some deliberation he basically recited this huge monologue about love from scratch. I think, to this day that's the most I heard him speak, and I wish I could remember everything, but I think it boiled down to 'loving someone is finding wonder in the small things and uninhibitedly facing the big things.' Not only did he give me a new understanding of love, but I realized, that I might have been writing him off too harshly. So, I offered to be an open ear if he ever wanted to gush about his lady friend. I was actually surprised when he actually took me up on that offer. 

And so our friendship began. At first it was just him talking about Romelle—and perhaps I should have taken more note about the fact that he never referred to her by name. She, her, or occasionally 'My love', but never Romelle—but soon he talked about other topics. Like the fact that his mother is actually a member of the Galra Splinter Group who oppose the Emperor, and how he never understood how chants work. He even showed me some of his personal treasures. 

Things were like this until maybe a week before our wedding. That day, Lotor stormed into our barracks, demanding that we report to him immediately. When we all had gathered, he held up a standard Royal Guard helmet and raged about the fact that somebody in our company had “soiled Princess Allura” and if we don't give the culprit up in five minutes he was going to make us all regret it. I, of course, had instantly realized who the helmet belonged to. Keith. I didn't have all the facts, but some things were suddenly clicking in my mind. The princess putting effort into composing responses to my stupid poems, Keith burning his letters, the fact that he never called Romelle by her name. Keith had never been in a relationship with Romelle, it had always been Allura. And I had been nothing but a smokescreen. I honestly felt a little betrayed, but I couldn't say I blame him. However, maybe because now I was invested in our friendship, maybe because I felt it was unfair that their love was going to be torn apart because of politics of all things, I claimed the helmet as mine. When people started doubting my claim, I told them I had been exchanging letters with Allura, and they could check my belongings for them. And, before I knew it, I was locked in a cell, condemned to the Lady or Lion Sentence. 

Keith came by once, offered to tell the truth, told me he was sorry this was happening, that I shouldn't even be doing this because my family and friends would be devastated. All I asked him to do was to apologize to Allura for the garbage poetry. I was afraid, but willing to die for a noble cause. Perhaps in the future someone would write a ballad about me. But instead of getting mauled by a Lion, I got you.

--- 

“Wonderful, breathtaking you” he whispers as he pulls me closer to him. “I couldn't believe that I had not only survived, but become reconnected to one of my dearest friends. At first, I was just trying to cheer you up, because there was this melancholy that seemed to hang over you like a cloud. And then there was this one time I managed to make you laugh, and I remember thinking ‘Wow, there she is.' I think that must have been when I started to love you, because from that day, making you happy was the only thing that gave me joy. I like being around you, listening to you gush about your projects, watching your eyes light up when you found the perfect material for your inventions, and even when you're making fun of me. I couldn't get enough of you, and I honestly hadn't spared a thought towards Allura until that day we had that big fight.” 

He sighs as he stroked my hair. “I should have told you about everything right then. I still don't know why I didn't. I guess I was embarrassed about my behavior, and perhaps I was afraid that you wouldn't like me anymore, or that you would misunderstand. And then when we had sex, I just got caught up with you in a completely different way. It is during this time I should have told you that I loved you, repeatedly. Even if you didn't believe me, at least you would know what's on my mind.” He leans back to take a look at me and gasps “Pidge, Katie, please don't cry. I can't handle that.”

“It's OK, Lance.” I manage to rasp out. “I'm just a little overwhelmed. Please, keep going.” 

“OK, so when Allura came by, it was because Keith and her had decided to run away together and she wanted to check up on me, say goodbye, and give me an explanation and apology.”

“So, what did she tell you?”

“Uhm, turns out Keith was also a member of this Splinter Group like his mother. He was tasked with protecting the Princess as some Galra officials were against an alliance with Altea and they were willing to assassinate her to further their goals. Keith saved her from a few of these assassins, and once the sources were rooted out and dealt with, he was technically supposed to disappear and return to his headquarters. But he didn't do it. At that point he had fallen in love with Allura, and as it turned out, she had fallen for him as well. It was around then that the whole letter business started.”

“That's… quite dramatic.”

“I know!” he laughs, but suddenly becomes serious again. “Pidge, I really screwed up. I caused you so much pain and distress when that's the last thing I ever wanted for you. If you give me another chance, I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you and try my best to never let anything like this happen again. So… what do you say?”

A million arguments flood my mind, but they seem to be dashed by some aspect of his confession. After some thought I finally said. “You're really going to do whatever it takes?”

“Yes, mi Reina , anything.”

“So, you'll do anything I ask?”

“As long as I don't get hurt, yes.”

“... Say it again.”

“Say what again?”

“That you love me.”

I don't know if I have ever seen him smile more beautifully than he is smiling now. “I love you.” He says as he caresses my cheek. “I love you, Pidge.” He strokes my hair. “I love you, Katie.” He kisses my nose. “I love you, Katie Holt.” A kiss to my neck that makes me sigh. “I love you, Pidge Holt.” One of his hands go under my shirt. “I love you, Katie Pidge Holt.” He finally kisses my lips. “I love you so much, Katie Pidge Serrano-Holt, it scares me sometimes.” He's got me wrapped up in his arms. He's about to say it again, when I interrupt him by kissing his clavicle. “I love you too, Lance Serrano. Despite my hesitation.” 

And then it devolves into a game. An 'I love you' plus an intimate act, back and forth, gradually escalating. We wind up in our room, divested of our clothes and excited to make love to each other. It's a little different from how it used to be, less frantic, more drawn out. It's less about pleasuring our bodies and more about demonstrating how we feel for each other. We go on like this until we run out of steam, which happens to be towards the dawn. 

Surprisingly, I wake up again in an hour, afraid that everything was a dream that came about from my yearning. And that is when I hear him whisper 'I love you, Katie' in his sleep, confirming that it had all been reality. I think I could die here and I would be content. I am overcome with a desire to kiss him all over his beautiful face, but first, I grab his gift from its hiding place. I give in to my earlier desire, and before long, he is kissing me back.

“What did I do to earn such a pleasant wake-up call?”

“I kinda need you to do something for me.”

He sighs. “Sure, what do you need?”

“Could you close your eyes and sit up.”

“Uh, OK?” Have I ever mentioned how adorable, sleepy, confused Lance is? When he complies with my request I take the necklace out of the box, and put it over his neck. I smile when I realize that my ideal sea glass made it through the reinforcing process.

“OK, you can open your eyes now.”

“Can I also lie back down?” 

“If you prefer.” He drops back onto the bed, and slowly flutters his eyes open. In his sleepy state, it takes him a little to process that he has a necklace on now.

“Wait, did you...?”

“Yes.”

“For me?”

“Yes, do you like it?”

“Of course I do, but why? It's not going to be my birthday for another two months.”

I shrug, before lying on top of him and kissing him again.

“Just Because.”