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Demon, disgusting, vile creature. That’s what he was. Unforgivable, unlovable.
But that wasn’t quite right was it?
Aziraphale forgave him. Outside the dusty book shop Crowley now called home, Aziraphale had told him that he was forgiven.
And they both loved him.
They did.
They had said.
But what if, in the time since they last told him, they had changed their minds? What if – NO! Stop it. Crowley’s mind spun in circles. It had been almost a month after the Armageddon’t and He had not dared to leave the shop. What if something happened while he was gone? What if Gabriel came back and made his angel sad again? Oh how Crowley wished to pull that dicks wings off, how dare he make his angel feel less than. Aziraphale was perfect, he was beautiful, he was… An angel. Literally.
And he was wily demon.
“Yes a good deal holier than thou.”
Crowley shakes the thought away and finds Aziraphale bustling about with his new deliveries. “More books, Angel?” He teased as he pressed a kiss to Aziraphale’s cheek as the angel tried to place a book on the top shelf.
Aziraphale huffs, “Can’t have too many books.” Crowley would beg to differ, but it keeps his angel happy. Crowley waved a hand and the book floated from Aziraphale’s grasp to land safely in amongst its comrades. The angel shoots him a shy smile, “Thank you.”
Crowley shrugs but inside he’s alight like he’d just walked through the fires of hell. At the memory of hell, he gives the closed door a worried look. Really, he shouldn’t be worried, he had scribbled many protection wards around the bookshop, adding to Aziraphale’s own warding. But still, could never be too careful.
Crowley was so careful, in fact, that he hadn’t left the bookshop in all that time. Instead he’d been helping Aziraphale, as well as a demon can, what with him being evil and horrible and a liar. Ok enough!
Crowley didn’t realise he had been beaming at the praise until he realised his face hurt, quickly he contorted it into one of aloofness. He was aloof, the aloofiest aloofed demon to ever aloof. What even was the word now? He said it to many times in his head and no longer sounded like a word. It didn’t matter, what mattered was Aziraphale and his perfect smile. “Where has our Lily gone? I haven’t seen her since breakfast.” Aziraphale asked as he flitted about pushing books back into place where horrid human hands had handled them. Try saying that three times fast.
Crowley shrugged, more to shake the prickle of anxiety that had begun to creep up his spine, “S’gone to get more books. Charity shops I think.” Aziraphale rolled his eyes fondly. He never got books from charity shops because they usually weren’t in the best condition, Lily liked to save them and had created a small collection of her own in the bookshop. Mostly it was kids horror that she occasionally read to Crowley, but there was some Lovecraftian books there as well as she liked to complain about the ‘science’. Crowley liked to get her going about the illogical science he used, just because he liked to hear her talk and when she finished she would angrily cuddle him.
Angry cuddling consisted of your angry partner running hands through your hair just a touch too hard, his scalp would tingle and she’d hug him just a bit tighter than she normally would. Crowley hadn’t worked out the formula to get Aziraphale to do the same, but he was working on it.
Aziraphale worried his hands, “I suppose I’m to sort her section today.” He wasn’t mad, Aziraphale hardly ever got mad with them. However, the angel had been resorting after he found that Adam had given him some more books. It was nice of the boy, but Crowley lamented at all the time Aziraphale now spent sorting. They were meant to be making up for lost time.
But Crowley had a plan. He could at least lessen the time Aziraphale would spend sorting today because… “I did it already.” He tried not to grin like a little boy about to get his prize, but well…he was.
Aziraphale stopped, frozen was more the word. He seemed to have just…stopped.
“You?” he asked Crowley.
“Yes.”
“You ordered the books?”
Crowley’s face lost some of it’s brightness, “I…I’ve seen you and Lily do it before. I know where everythings suppose to go.” It felt like defending himself, why was he defending himself?
Aziraphale let out forced laugh, “I’m sure you do dear, but I just want to check.” He flitted off to the new extension that wouldn’t be on any blueprints for the shop. Crowley found himself open mouthed and following the angel. Anger slowly crept up on to his face as Aziraphale re checked all his work. Didn’t his angel trust him with his books? Crowley knew how precious they were to the angel, he wouldn’t do anything to them.
“Would I lie to you?”
“Yes you’re a demon, it’s what you do.”
Crowley felt his anger drain. His evening was ruined, Aziraphale wouldn’t want to cuddle if he was worried about his books. So, dejectedly he slunk off to wait in Lily’s room.
When she did return, he didn’t have the mental energy to deal with being man shaped, so Lily found a large black snake curled up on her bed. At least he was man shaped for morning cuddles.
Crowley decided that he would try and be less demonic, he wasn’t with hell anymore, so he didn’t have to be hellish. Maybe if he was better, better than himself. He could be good for his angel and his flower.
Crowley began telling the truth a whole lot more.
“Crowley, did you eat the last of the jammy dodgers?” Aziraphale had asked.
“Yes.”
“Oh, um. Ok, thank you for being honest.” A bewildered Aziraphale said as Crowley beamed at the praise. Lily frowned at him and the smile faded, maybe he should try replacing the biscuits next time. And he did.
He’d been less rude to customers; he said please and thank you and he even helped a few people.
IT.WAS. EXHAUSTING.
After the day ended, he was so tired from trying to be good that he just collapsed in the bed and wouldn’t wake till morning. Even then he was tired. Why was being good so hard? He huffed, tightened his grip on the body he had been snuggling with for the past hour. A hand threads itself in his hair, scratching at his scalp and he lets out a contented sigh. Sleepily he mutters, “Do you love me?” It had been bouncing around in his brain for the week he was trying to be good. All this would be worth it if he could be worthy of that love.
The body gives a little giggle, “Honey, I love you more than words can express. My pretty snake.” It’s Lily. Crowley nuzzles at the belly with a smile and gives her the same sentiments. She starts stroking his back soothingly, the hand stops at points and he hears pages rustling before the petting continues.
This easy admission eases his mind, but it won’t silence until he hears the same from Aziraphale. Aziraphale who he had thought didn’t love him anymore. Crowley had panicked when his partner had refused his cuddling, he’d panicked that he was going to fast again and so had reeled it in when around Aziraphale. But it turned out the angel had been made to feel bad about his vessel. Fucking Gabriel!
If Crowley ever saw that big mouthed fucker again… well there wouldn’t be anything for the other angels to clean up. How dare he! Aziraphale had lost weight because of it and Crowley, with the assistance of Lily, had been trying to feed the angel up again. Sometimes he got sad and when that happened Lily would close up the shop and Crowley would drag Aziraphale to the bedroom to hug and kiss and tell the angel how wonderful he was. Because he was wonderful, he was wonderful for loving such a broken thing as Crowley. They both were, Aziraphale and Lily. They loved him. He knew. But lately the old fears broke out of their prison and attacked him with doubts when he heard Aziraphale doubt him. It had been bearable before, but after Aziraphale pulled away they were louder than ever and with his angel not trusting him to look after the only thing Crowley knew he treasured... It didn’t help that Lily was sneaking away to do whatever it was she did when she snuck away.
Crowley was trying so hard to be good and in that week of tirelessly being good Aziraphale had still doubted him. A rude customer had tripped on her way out and Aziraphale had playfully admonished the demon, but to Crowley it still stung. He hadn’t laughed and had vehemently denied causing the woman to trip. He’d stormed off to Lily’s room and transformed into a snake again.
“Crowley, dearest. Are you ok?” That was Aziraphale. Lily continued to pet his back but soft, well-manicured fingers sought out his cheek and turn Crowley’s gaze up and away from Lily’s stomach.
“Crowley?” Lily gasps and it is then that he feels the itchiness of tears. He wants to tell them he’s fine. That they shouldn’t worry. What comes out instead is worse, “Why do you love me?” And that says everything. Far more than he wanted it to.
Aziraphale begins to kneel next to the sofa he had been lying on with Lily, the position seems to close to prayer and Crowley can’t take the look the angel gave him. He wouldn’t have been able to handle the silence that would follow and the realisation that Aziraphale couldn’t truly love him the way Crowley craves to be loved. Would have rather died than see the two beings he loved most to share a look and both realise that he was broken, greedy and undeserving of their love. He should never have made this real, back on his sofa when they had stopped the end. Should have resisted the urge to kiss Lily when she had banished the demons, like a warrior goddess.
Now he was going to lose it all.
He was too bad for them, too fast, too much, too evil.
“You go too fast for me Crowley.”
He was gone. Off from the couch and out the front door, bypassing the Bentley as he struggled to breath through the tightness in his chest.
He heard his name being called. He didn’t stop until he was at his flat.
Not safe, not safe, not safe.
He wasn’t safe, they weren’t safe this flat wasn’t safe. The still damp spot of Ligur told him that, despite all this time the carpet refused to soak up the demons remains.
He ran a hand through his hair. Right ok. Yep. He just had a massive freak out in front of his beloveds because he can’t stop being so fucking clingy and, and… Insecure.
“You are a demon.”
Or maybe it was because he was a demon. He wasn’t supposed to feel this much love, let alone receive it. What if he had deluded himself with how he felt? What if he didn’t love them really?
At this point Crowley had picked up the mister and misted his plants with nervous jerky movements. His plants didn’t know how to react, so they shook confusedly. One brave plant reached out to touch their masters wrist. Crowley didn’t immediately hurt it and that scarred the plants even more.
“I’m evil. Awful. Unlovable. Unforgivable.” But Aziraphale had forgiven him, they both had told him they love him. No. They were just being their normal loving selves, they might not even know that they didn’t love him.
“Right…huh…we…huh… have to talk.” Crowley whipped around; nervous energy made him jittery so when he saw the panting Lily his hand reflexively clenched on the mister. Lily turned her head up at the water, “That’s rather nice, thanks.” She said as she straightened. Aziraphale joined her at Crowley’s door, both looking as if they had run after him. Which really would have been hard seeing as he had longer legs than both of them.
“Crowley, we need to have a chat.” The demon shrunk at Aziraphale’s words. Those words usually spelt the end of relationships, if he remembered correctly.
So they had finally come to the same conclusion he had.
Crowley schooled his features into one of uninterest, “Maybe I should just cut to the chase for you. Let me guess, it was fun? It’s not you it’s me? Only lets be honest it really is just me.” He flashed a sharp smile, intended to protect his shattering heart. “Well it was fun while it lasted, you can go now.”
Aziraphale wilted, his hands twisted and twisted his shirt sleeve until Crowley could see the beginnings of a small tear in the fabric. He looked every bit the dumped party. But he wasn’t so why did he look like it?
The angel gave him a longing gaze before he nodded and ducked to leave. Lily swore and gripped Aziraphale’s arm, “He doesn’t mean it, he thinks we’re trying to break up with him. He’s trying to protect himself.”
Aziraphale gave a puzzled expression and allowed Lily to pull him closer, “But why, we aren’t trying to break it off.” Now it was Crowley’s turn look puzzled. Lily grabbed at Crowley’s hand and dragged both the angel and the demon to the sofa that Crowley hadn’t miracle back to being hard and uncomfortable. “I’ve waited 6000 years to be with you two, I am not letting you go over something that can be easily talked out.” She settled between them, Crowley had to fight the urge to fall into her lap and beg Aziraphale to pet his hair. Instead he pulled his hand back, but Lily was having none of it and snatched it back. She nudged Aziraphale.
“Crowley, we don’t want you to be good. We want you to be you, we love you as you are. We… we have a list.” Aziraphale miracle a large stack of paper into his hand. Crowley stared at the stack, there couldn’t be that much they liked about him.
“Shall we start with the things we both love?” Lily asked and at Aziraphale’s nod pulled the stack towards her. In the meantime, Aziraphale made it his goal to hold on to Crowley’s remaining hand as if his life depended on it. “We love your hair, the way it curls when you let it grow out, the shimmering reds like fire and rubies and –“
“Cherries.” Aziraphale cut in dreamily, Lily smiled at him.
“And cherries. We love your eyes.” Crowley went to cover his eyes, realising he still didn’t have his glasses, but Aziraphale and Lily held fast to his hands, “They look like liquid gold when you’re angry or sad and change to the colour of buttercups in a wild field. We love your smile, how you have one for each of us that’s specifically for us.”
“We love your wit.” Aziraphale cut in again, “we love how you can joke about anything, how you can make us laugh no matter what situation we’re in. We love-“
“I don’t understand.” Crowley tried not to sniffle; he really did. Come on, he had already embarrassed himself by crying.
Aziraphale raised Crowley’s hand and kissed his knuckles, “You asked us why we love you.” He said simply, “These are the reasons.” Lily leaned closer to the demon with a smile and Crowley returned it shyly.
“Honey, we love you because….” She struggled to find words before she shrugged, “because you’re you. I don’t know how else to explain, I just love you and Aziraphale. It’s like breathing. Natural”
Aziraphale nodded, “I thought we let you know how much we loved you. I’m so sorry if you ever thought we didn’t.”
Crowley threw himself at them, to their credit they both caught his and pressed kisses to his face, muttering how much they loved him. “But you said…” He trailed off as he looked up at Aziraphale from where he had smushed his face into the angel’s chest, “Demon. Good deal holier than thou.” He whispered and Aziraphale seemed to get it. The angel gave a strangled sound and pulled Crowley up to look him in the eyes, Lily let Crowley be pulled from her lap.
“Crowley, dear. You must know I didn’t mean any of it. I was trying to distance myself, because I love you too much. You must know I did it to save you, if they knew… If they knew they would have destroyed you.”
Logically Crowley understood. But it had still hurt.
“Please, you must know I love you.” Aziraphale was begging, begging for Crowley to stay, to understand. He could see in his desperation how much he was loved, how much they both loved him. Not in spite of his flaws, because of them. Loved him no matter what side he had been on, because they were their own side.
Always their own side.
Crowley nodded, “I love you too. Both of you.” He said and Aziraphale made a high-pitched noise as he pulled Crowley in for a kiss. He tasted the love and desperation for Crowley to understand his love. When they pulled away, they found Lily looking at them with quiet adoration in her eyes. He kissed her too and tasted relief on her lips.
They sat for a while with Crowley between them. His muscles tense his mind screaming at him.
Not safe. Not safe!
His leg shook. His breathing picked up, “Can we go back to the bookshop?” He asked them. Lily shared a look with Aziraphale.
“Honey, about that. Why are you so afraid to leave the shop?” Lily asked carefully.
Crowley shrugged, “Safe. I made it safe for us.” Lily nodded and Aziraphale miracle them to the bookshop. Instantly Crowley relaxed, realising they were on what was essentially their bed now.
“Crowley dear.” Lily broke through his sleepy mind, “We will be talking about that when you wake up, but for now get some rest.” She kissed his hair and he was asleep.
He could sleep knowing he was loved by both and knowing that Aziraphale didn’t care about him being a demon. The other thing could wait.