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A couple of kunai to the back was not the way Kakashi would have preferred to spend his afternoon. Or… okay, maybe he would in a different setting. Some mats laid down, maybe a towel if they were feeling real adventurous, some lightly scented candles burning. He read the books. He knew how to be romanced properly. Rose petals and all that jazz.
This was not rose petals. This was three kunai to the back and a ragamuffin medic team comprised of twelve year olds. Kakashi’s ideal afternoon-- kunai present or no-- did not include twelve year olds. One could only be so much of a pervert.
And four kunai or zero kunai, sex or no sex, Kakashi especially would appreciate not having these specific twelve year olds present at the moment. They were loud and messy and annoying on a good day, and at a time like this, they were absolutely unbearable.
“Kakashi-sensei, you have to lay down!”
“Stop telling Kakashi-sensei to lay down!”
“Sasuke, tell Kakashi-sensei to lay down!”
Sasuke said nothing. Kakashi had already been lying down the entire time, face down in the dirt where Sakura had shoved him earlier. It had been a long, grueling day, with an early morning and a terribly boring mission and a training session that had gone awry-- so awry that Kakashi had believed they’d been ambushed for just a moment, until he realized that the five kunai to the back were the result of pre-pubescent shenanigans and not dangerous enemies.
“I’ve been practicing with the healers, let me do this!” Sakura announced, kneeling next to Kakashi and giving an unmerciful yank to one of the knives stuck in his back. It jerked, but was not pulled free. Pain flared bright and white behind his eyelids. Kakashi grunted out a breath.
“I can do it myself, if you don’t mind--”
“Let me try it, Sakura!” Naruto shouted, full volume, cutting Kakashi off and yanking at that same kunai yet again. It popped free this time, tearing the skin further, but at least it was out. Sakura screamed. Naturo screamed. Kakashi considered taking a nap.
“You have to stop the bleeding!”
“With what!?”
“Sasuke, let me borrow your sleeve things!”
“Or your leg bandages!”
“What?” Sasuke yelped, engaged in the affair for the first time. “No way, Naruto, get away from me!”
There was the sound of a scuffle behind him, and Kakashi didn’t need to lift his head to know the boys were wrestling in the dirt. Sakura was still there, made known by crawling over Kakashi and sitting down heavily in the middle of his back. “Brace yourself, sensei,” she said, and gave another brutal tug.
Two kunai out, four more to go. Six kunai to the back, and Kakashi was having an awful day.
“Would you two stop fighting and help me!?” Sakura screeched, “I have to stop the bleeding!”
She gave a third kunai a mighty tug and unearthed it. Kakashi, who had a reputation to maintain and had trained far too hard for too long to have his students see him as a pussy, definitely did not bury his face in the dirt and gasp. Twelve year old girls were not gentle and kind, they were clumsy and sadistic, and Kakashi was certain he was missing more flesh now than he’d been from the initial accidental stabbing. He did not groan into the dirt, and he did not have any erotic thoughts about the matter, and he was not having the worst day ever.
Yes he was. This all sucked.
“Naruto!” Sakura yelled, and then she was gone, and after several deep breaths Kakashi got himself upright and found all three children tumbling around on the forest floor. He sighed, hauled himself to his feet, and tested the damage. Awful, sharp pain burned in his muscles. Something wet dripped down his back. He grimaced, reached over his shoulder, and yanked another kunai free.
He was done with the rest of them by the time the wrestling stopped, and Sakura appeared in front of him holding an orange shirt out like a peace offering while a shirtless and roughed up looking Naruto pouted on the ground a good distance away. Sasuke was climbing up a tree, entirely unconcerned. Kakashi took the shirt and did not smile.
Seven kunai to the back-- okay, no, five, but still-- Kakashi did not get paid enough for this shit. With not way of properly wrapping the wounds on his back with a shirt several sizes to small for him, Kakshi instead balled it up and collapsed back on the ground, using it as a pillow. They had a while before sunset. He deserved a bit of a nap.