Work Text:
Sougo shifted over to his left side in his bed, reaching out to grab his phone and reply to unanswered texts he’d been meaning to reply to. He decided to open Tamaki’s message first, seeing as how he was usually easier to text.
[Tamaki: Hey Souchan, do’ya have space on your phone? Click this link and install the game if you do pleeeeaseeee]
Sougo looked at the link url curiously, the app was called Cookie Run and while it looked like something Tamaki would play religiously, he decided to do that later since downloading took time and unfortunately, multitasking on one device wasn’t an option.
[Sougo: It looks like a fun game, Tamaki-kun. Can it wait until tomorrow? That way you can show me how to do it so I won’t mess it up.]
With the text sent, that meant the next reply was to Riku, he had a day off so he went into town to window shop with Nagi. There were multiple images attached and Sougo took his time admiring all the clothes, food and silly photos of the two together. It warmed his heart seeing his friends have so much fun, not to mention they both deserved a day out.
[Riku: Sougo-san, look! Nagi and I found this cute clothing shop, I think you’d like it here! :D]
[7 Images Attached]
[Sougo: I’m glad to see you and Nagi-kun had fun! Thank you very much for the pictures, I’ll have to check that shop out sometime. Though it seems Nagi got carried away with ice cream toppings once again… fufu]
Sougo smiled softly at his phone, he really was happy to see his friends enjoying themselves. And now the final and possibly hardest text to answer yet, Gaku Yaotome.
To say Sougo was infatuated would be an understatement, he loved and admired Trigger sure, but with getting to know them he became more attached and observant of Gaku. He noticed his eyes crinkled whenever he was happy, he noticed how light his laugh was compared to the one on TV, he noticed faint freckles probably covered up by makeup, but most importantly; he noticed how often Gaku texted him.
Why, he texted him, even Sougo didn’t know. There were plenty of other people, hell Tamaki would probably be better at a conversation than he did. All Sougo ever did was meticulously and carefully look over and plan each sentence sent, he couldn’t risk being impolite or even casual with someone like Gaku. And maybe he would think things over too much, maybe he worried over nothing, he probably did. But he genuinely couldn’t understand why Gaku cared so much about him, why he checked up on him whenever he could, why he would ask Sougo about his day, why he would ask if he was composing anything, why he was even speaking to someone like Sougo.
Sougo was bland, he was an ex-heir refined to perfection, now without a purpose other than music. And even music seemed hopeless to him, he tried hard to compose and write and be patient with himself, because work takes time, but with each failure it only made him crack even more, and that was dangerous. It was dangerous because he wasn’t sure just how much longer he could keep up the facade of being okay, of being perfectly fine, of being the stable one people could rely on. He couldn’t not be okay, he had to be there for Tamaki, he had to be there for his unit-mates.
But Sougo was overthinking again, he let himself spiral instead of focusing, so with a deep breath he opened the chat.
[Gaku: Hey Osaka, when’s your next day off?]
A pause. Why was Gaku asking him about his day off, why was Gaku interested in him- Sougo shook his head and scolded himself for even considering the fact that he could ever be interested in him like that, because first of all, they were idols. And second, Sougo was Sougo, and Gaku was Gaku, and Sougo paled in comparison.
[Sougo: I have nothing scheduled this Sunday. May I ask why you wanted to know, Yaotome-san? It’s alright if you don’t want to say though, really!]
Sougo clicked off his phone and laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling for who knows how long, seconds, minutes, who knew. But the all too familiar chime of his phone rang and he winced internally at how quickly he flew to it, he was more calm and collected than this. And he knew that, he chided himself for acting so desperately.
[Gaku: I wanted to take you somewhere, if our schedules lined up. Which they do (lol), you interested?]
He stared at the text, reading it over and over and over until it was practically memorized. Gaku wanted to take him? Sougo? Of all the people he knew, he wanted to spend his off day with Sougo?
Sougo must be dreaming, that makes more sense. After all, only in his dreams would Gaku ever find joy in Sougo’s company. Gaku was… amazing, he was bold, determined, strong, caring, and kind. He fights for what he believes in, he doesn’t back down easily, he’s so fiercely protective of those he loves that he wouldn’t mind getting in the process if it meant they’d be okay. And Sougo admired him for that, he admired how amazing Gaku was, he wished he could be even just a little bit more like him in that regard.
Gaku didn’t back down from his dreams, Gaku didn’t shy away and let people step on him, and Gaku probably wasn’t overthinking about how awful he was over one text. Like Sougo was doing, like Sougo always does. He’s pathetic, really, but Sougo doesn’t have the heart or even courage to change.
He’s content with this, he’s content with others walking over him and never letting him have an opinion. It means he can’t think, if he’s overworked and stressed, he doesn’t have the time to think. And Sougo certainly wished he was anywhere but his bed right now, his emotions seemed to creep up into a gaping void, threatening to swallow him whole. But all Sougo can do is stare numbly at the text, the text awaiting a reply, the text he should reply to, but he’s wrapped in guilt.
He’s surrounded by guilt because he feels like he’s tricked Gaku, somehow. Tricked him into thinking he’s some amazing and likable person, tricked him into seeing Sougo as something he’s not, and he doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve Gaku’s attention, Gaku should be spending time with someone better for him, someone who isn’t Sougo. And while a tiny portion that he’s ashamed to have twitches with jealousy over that thought, it’s what Gaku deserves, and he needs to stop being selfish.
Sougo curls into himself, phone discarded. He breathes in and out, over and over until he remembers how to breathe again. ‘Oh.’ He thinks hollowly, ‘I still need to reply to him.’
He uncurls himself and sits up, noticing there’s now blotches of liquid on his thighs. Sougo reached up and feels the tears quietly falling down his face. When did that happen? He shakes his head and types in his pin, deciding to ignore that pitiful display and shoot a reply after reading it exactly ten times over.
[Sougo: If it’s no bother to you, then I’d love to, Yaotome-san.]
With a shaky exhale, Sougo got up and set his phone to charge on the other side of his room. He was halfway back to his bed when he heard his phone go off, he almost went to check it. Almost. But he ignored it and slipped back into the comfort of his bed, and let his thoughts consume him.