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The weird thing about being kind of immortal is that Bender is completely aware of the power any type of change has in his long and eternal life – he just doesn’t give a damn about it unless it directly affects him.
A change in interplanetary governments wouldn’t rattle him, but if you switched beers on him he’d cut you. That was just the kinda bot Bender was.
He certainly doesn’t expect to have his – what the hell do meatblobs call them again – oh yeah, emotions – change on him so suddenly. After all Bender’s feelings about things NEVER change! He’s melodramatic, but he knows what his programing tells him to know and follows it. He’s proud and happy to be the same bending unit he’s always been.
So when Fry considers cloning his dog he cannot fathom the confusing rage that wells up within him. Why doesn’t Fry want to hang out with him anymore? What the hell’s changed? Wasn’t he shiny enough? He needs constant attention before he withers away, damn it!
So he does what any sensible robot would do and plots bloody revenge while trying to destroy the fossilized dog. This, understandably, doesn’t go over well with Fry – which is exactly why Bender ends up doing the unheard of and taking a double shift at the Planet Express building to give him space after their latest fight.
Bender’s ‘double shift’ mostly involves lounging on the break room couch and muttering threats under his breath while staring endlessly at the TV and sipping Olde Fortran. No one bothers to bother him, the business being close to closing down for the evening and the work scarce.
His fellow crew members know enough to leave him alone for the most part. While Amy and the Professor barely say a word to him, Leela shows some mild concern, actually using ‘please’ when asking him to move his ass over so she can reach the remote. But eventually Leela can’t keep her bossy nose out of his business and ends up trying to invade his peace of mind in the most annoying way possible. The next time she turns her back Bender promises himself he’ll find a way to slip off and then sell the necklace she’s wearing to the highest bidding old dowager with poor eyesight he can find!
“Bender, you look like you’re struggling through an internal monologue,” Leela says. “Can I help?”
“What?!” Bender sputters. “As a great robot porn star once said, I don’t do internal! All my talkin’s done loud and proud, baby!” He stands up and shoves a finger in Leela’s. “Get me a new beer, wench!”
Leela gets him a new beer, all right - she cracks the requested bottle over his head, causing Bender to let out a moan of pain. Crossing her arms over her chest as he struggles into a sitting position, she finally asks, “Ready to talk now?”
“Awright! It’s Fry,” he says, rubbing his eyes. “He’s spendin’ all of his time with that stupid dog of his. The jerk won’t stop talking about how awesome the little creep is!”
“And you’re jealous?”
“Pfft! Me? Sleek, smooth bending units don’t get jealous of little fuzzy meatbags,” proclaimed Bender. “Not even when they spend every single second of their lousy time petting the head of some stupid crapsack of a lousy dog!”
Leela gives him a triumphant grin. “I knew it! You’re manifesting signs of jealousy and an extreme inability to deal with your love object’s attachment to others.”
“Where’d you get your psychiatry degree, the University of Stupid?” Bender asks.
Leela gasps, “I was rejected from UOS twice on a technicality.” She glowers at the memory. “Stupid US’rs with their dumb school songs and their not-rhyming cheerleader’s chants!” Leela shoves Bender when he dares to laugh at her. “Jealous? Oh. You’re not just jealous – you’re neurotically anxious that your best friend’s completely forgotten who you are, and while you know you’re still friendly, you still think maybe if you blink he’s going to end up leaving you.” She glowers, experiencing her own private memories. “SEAN told me he was just leaving to get a carton of milk!”
“Is this about your issues or your mine?” Bender wails. “Oh, why aren’t you paying attention to Bender?!”
“All right,” Leela grumbles. “Bender, how do you feel whenever Fry walks into a busy room and you lay your transistors on him? Are you happy, angry, what?”
He considers the question. “Well, I used to feel this weird kick deep inside, like one of my radiator belts jumped its track. I knew it always meant we were gonna go off on another adventure and I’d get really excited. But now whenever I see him, I feel all soft in my gut instead, like somebody’d run me over with a forklift.”
Leela gives him a thoughtful frown. “Did you get to close to the core reactor at any point?”
“No!” The can of beer warps with a squeak in his strong grip. “I’m in love! Oh sweet Klaatu, I’m love and it’s making me sick!”
Leela raises an eyebrow at his flamboyant emotional display. “Bender if you feel that strongly about it, why don’t you tell Fry?”
He recoils. “Are you kidding me? Fry’s a strictly meat and circuit processors kind of guy! I’m not gonna put myself through that kinda pain after what I went through when I lost my favorite bottle of booze….oh yeah, and what he went through when Michelle broke up with him.” Bender starts mock-crying his agony again. “Curse this automated, sleekly-polished emotion simulator! My love’s doomed to stay buried under layers of alcoholism and puke!”
It was an obviously fake show of tears, but Leela gives him a vigorous slap to the back anyway. “Snap out of it, Bender! You’re not giving Fry enough credit! He could be open-minded. I mean, he has to be…it’s not as if he has that big of a mind….Just…go talk to him.”
Bender sniffs. “Where is he?”
“Walking Seymour’s dead body in Central Park.”
***
“Boy Seymour,” Fry observes as they pause at the hub of a bridge poised over a manmade lake at the Park’s very heart, “it’s sure a nice day, isn’t it?”
The ashen body of the dog, naturally, doesn’t respond, but Fry continues the conversation solo. “We’re gonna have to get back soon,” he says. “Otherwise Bender’s going to start worrying about us.”
As if on cue, he hears a voice in the distance. “FRY!” Bender yells, rushing up the dirt pathway, finally catching up with them both and throwing himself against the bridge’s top railing, panting dramatically.
Fry reacts with complete nonchalance. “Hey, Bender.”
“I have something really important to tell you. So listen hard and don’t start humming the Honey Comb Cereal jingle in your head.”
“It’s not small…” Fry sings aloud. Bender grumbles and responds to the inattention by grabbing Fry’s shoulders. “Listen, meatbag. I don’t do emotion too well. The last guy who got all soppy around me drowned in his own tears.” Bender smirks. “Then I took his wallet. Good times. Anyway, I think I have a thing for you.”
“Oh, that’s cool youwah?!” Fry blurts.
“Shh,” says Bender softly. “We’ll work out all the important stuff later – like who’ll do the dishes, and who’ll commit perjury for who, and how we’ll hide from the cops til people figure out Robosexuality’s awesome. Right now, let’s just celebrate the good life. You, me, this big old moon, the earrings I lifted off of Leela and our….love.”
Fry smiles. “Yeah. Let’s all enjoy the moon.” Gingerly, he places Seymour on the bridge beside them and lets Bender wrap an arm around his shoulders.
A second later he’s so distracted by the kiss Bender plants on his cheek that he doesn’t notice when Bender kicks Seymour into the river below them.
The End