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He kept glancing over at Remus. When he was studying in the common rooms, when he was in classes. When they were walking. It was wrong, dirty, he wasn’t allowed. Was he allowed? To look at Remus like that . With want, and love not for a brother but for a lover? He was just so beautiful, so captivating. Sirius couldn’t control it. When they hugged, or even just stood close, and Sirius was washed with a cloud of Moony, smelling like lemongrass and hot cocoa and sleep he was overcome with please please let me have him feelings. It ached but oh it felt oddly good to hurt.
Remus wouldn’t even be doing anything special, just transfiguration homework or reading a book, and yet Sirius’ eyes were still drawn to him. He was timeless. Beautiful. Only to look at, never to touch. Like one of those muggle Polaroid pictures Lily was telling him about. So, as he was trained from a young age, Sirius kept his mouth closed. He kept it all inside, never spoke a word of what he felt. Just watching was okay for him. Lingering glances and wistful smiles. Sirius was okay, truly. It hurt, sometimes, of course. When they stood close enough for Sirius’ head to spin but still feel worlds apart.
They kissed once. Just the once. He tasted of chocolate and apple tart. Sirius tasted on faint toothpaste and spit. Nothing. He was nothing to Moony, and Moony was everything to him. He meant everything.
It was the way that he smelled of home and comfort that was the worst. The way that he’d rest his head on Sirius’ shoulder completely unaware of the spiral he sent Sirius into. Blissfully unaware as Sirius felt his cheeks flame bright red. He loved him, but he didn’t know. Didn’t feel the same. Friends, right?
It became too much, too painful. Sirius pushed him away, never hanging out without James near, never ever alone.
“Why?”
Sirius feigned confusion. “Why what?”
“Why are you avoiding me, Pads, what did I do to deserve this?”
Sirius’ smile was watery, wavering with each passing moment.
“I just can’t,” he whispered eventually. “You mean everything to me.”
“Oh?”
“ Everything.”
“Oh. Pads-”
“Don’t.”
“No- Pads- Sirius. You mean everything to me too.”
Sirius’ head snapped up. His eyes searched Remus’, looking desperately for confirmation. The slightest nod and Sirius launched himself none too gracefully at the Welsh teen. His hands found their way to Remus’ cheeks. Their eyes slipped closed. They met in the middle.