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Toni had no idea what the hell she was doing.
And wasn’t that the biggest lie of the century. She knew exactly what she was doing, she just had no idea why the fuck she was doing it. Again, also a lie. She knew what she was doing. She always knew what she was doing. Contrary to popular belief. This time she knew exactly what she was doing.
She was running.
Although it could be said as ironic that to run away she ran right into doing something she’d raged against doing for months. Presenting a lecture at Oxford University on integrated circuits. She wanted absolutely no part and had been turning down the university for months with excuses of being too busy with work. She had no intention of ever giving the lecture, but after the latest debacle at home, she’d readily agreed to the Dean’s proposition when he again contacted her about giving the lecture. Although the argument could be made that since she was already ¾ of a way through a bottle of whiskey by the time the Dean had gotten through to her that any acceptance of the proposition be null-in-void on the basis of diminished capacity.
“Good morning students. As I made a brief mention in announcements yesterday we have a very special guest lecturer today. She is one of the youngest and most highly respected scientists from around the world. She has made incredible advancements towards ending world hunger and made strides towards ending the ongoing drought in Africa. At the tender age of 4 she made her first circuit board, at 6 her first engine and at 17 she graduated Summa Cum Loude from MIT with her Masters in Mechanical Engineering, Electrical Engineering, Computer Science and Aerospace Engineering. And at 19 she is the youngest person to have ever guest lectured here at Oxford University. So please give a warm and inviting welcome to Miss Antonia Stark.”
She waited in the wings of the auditorium a few seconds longer than completely necessary and just listened to the crowd erupt into cheers and perhaps chaos. She wasn’t too sure, but whatever it was it had her head pounding and her headache feel like it was going 15 rounds with Muhammad Ali.
She propelled herself forward and managed to walk across the stage in a somewhat coherent and elegant manner. Although if truth be told she was 97.68% sure she was still inebriated and the hangover hadn’t even begun to kick in yet. She was beginning to think that drinking the entire flight from LA to England was an extremely ill-advised idea, and adding no sleep and a few puffs of weed into the mix really wasn’t a sound idea either. And the bright lights of the stage really, really weren’t helping either. Even with her blackout glasses on, the light still felt like it was strangling her eyes in their sockets.
“Yes. Hi. Good morning. Well at least I hope it’s morning. Honestly I have no idea what day it is… Or what time apparently. And I’m just gonna put this out there now, so we have no confusion between us in the next hour, I am coming down off a 90 hour engineering and no sleep binge and 10 straight hours of drinking from LA to England. So we’ll see how this shapes up. As you were made aware my name is Toni Stark for those who haven’t heard of me, seriously have you been living under a rock? Pick up a magazine, get your noses out of those atrociously boring textbooks, live a little. Anyway, as your Dean mentioned I am 19-years-old and one of America’s youngest scientists. I currently hold over two dozen patents to my name and I’m one of the chief engineers and scientists that run the R&D Department of Stark Industries which is where we are developing the latest advancements in smarter weaponry using the newly designed Integrated Circuits or ICs to create advanced technology weapons systems. Who can tell me what an IC is?” She looked around the auditorium of people and only a few hands shot up straight away. These people she identified as the true electrical engineers of the crowd, those who would benefit from her lecture. The others, she had no idea about. She pointed to a random student towards the middle of the theatre, who looked to be surrounded by a few rather intimidating looking women, but the guys eyes were focused intensely on her. He was intriguing to say the least, at least that’s what her alcohol addled mind was trying to tell her.
“They’re the corner stones of modern technology and electronics. The heart and brains of most circuits if you will.”
“That’s right. Finally someone who knows technology. An IC is the ‘black chips’ if you will, that you find in just about every circuit board. Unless your some kind of crazy, analog freak, then I really have no idea what the hell you’re doing in this lecture. You electronic wizards though, you’re likely to find an IC in every electronics project you build. So it’s important to understand them. At SI we have created the latest cutting edge IC, that we have just patented to use in all our latest weapons systems. Creating what is essentially going to become ‘smart technology weapons’. And hopefully down the road, ‘smart technology’.”
And the lecture went on like that for another hour. Truthfully she didn’t remember all that much of it and she was just fine with that. Walking off stage she was bombarded with questions from one of the professors of the university who was a huge fan of hers, she was surmising from the way he was near on hyperventilating on her. But she wasn’t much for fans or crowds, especially not while potentially still very drunk.
She was extremely grateful to Happy who was managing to keep most of the adoring students at bay. She was glad she’d decided at the last minute to take along her personal security, not that Phil would’ve let her leave the States without it, even if she had left in a huff of anger and overwhelming fear. It was one thing she was extremely grateful to her boyfriend about, he always put her safety first. Even when they were annoyed with each other, or well, more like she was annoyed with him for minor reasons. But Phil would just let her throw her little tantrum before she’d go back and apologise for acting like a spoilt brat and he’d always be waiting with her favourite cheeseburger from Burger King.
But she didn’t know quite yet how she was coming back from her latest tantrum barely even 15 hours ago.
+++
She and Phil were laying cuddled together, both trying to even out their labored breathing after a rather long and drawn-out marathon of intense but slow sex (was it love making now?). Phil had just returned from his first undercover assignment with SHIELD, he’d only been away a few weeks, but for her it was a few weeks too long (it was hard sleeping in a cold bed after getting used to having someone sleeping beside her).
They’d only been dating coming up 6-months, but in Toni’s life that was like the equivalent of them being together 6 years. And boy wasn’t she surprised Phil had stuck around that long. She knew some of the shit she still did, bothered him sometimes. Her drinking, her partying, the near constant aphrodisiac of ecstasy, cocaine, weed or whatever street drug she could get her hands on at the clubs. But she wasn’t about to stop her lifestyle for some boy who may or may not stick around. Even if said boy was Phil.
So she was surprised he still wanted to be with her. And it wasn’t like she was a bad girlfriend or anything. She never cheated on him (she found cheaters utterly repulsive, demonic and cruel), she did date nights (whenever they both weren’t busy and she remembered), she encouraged him to live his life (she wasn’t one of those girlfriends who got all jealous over their boyfriends going out once in a while), she never criticized (hello! Toni Stark right here! Walking, talking and living definition of every possible screw up imaginable). So their relationship had been good. Was it perfect? Hell no, but no relationship was ever perfect (Show her a relationship that was perfect and she will show you a liar in disguise).
But it still surprised her that she hadn’t managed to screw anything up thus far.
She snuggled in closer to Phil’s warmth. She threw her leg over his thighs so her pelvis rested comfortably against his hip and she started running her fingers up and down his bare chest. Phil tightened his arm around her shoulders and started carding his fingers through her tangled mop of brunette hair that was still a little sticky with sweat. She felt Phil leaving kisses against the crown of her head every few moments. She breathed in deeply, just taking in Phil’s fragrance, she could identify the faint traces of his favourite cologne that she absolutely loved and she would spray against his pillows when he was away so she could sleep at night (which she will deny to her last breath). It was a Creed Green Irish Tweed cologne that had hints of Iris and Lemon Verbana, with notes of violet leaves and an undertone of Ambergris and Mysore Sandalwood. It just reminded her of walking in the countryside and its simplicity was Phil.
They laid together in the middle of their bed in a comfortable silence. Every few minutes she would place soft kisses against Phil’s heart next to where she rested her head. She was so comfortable laying there and she was nearly asleep just listening to the soothing rhythmic beat of Phil’s heart.
“I love you.” Phil murmured into the silence. She bolted upright no longer on the verge of sleep, taking the sheet with her and covering her chest while she looked at Phil who hadn’t moved only to release his hold on her. He looked up at her, a curious look on his face. To Toni it felt like Phil was studying her, gauging her response to his little confession.
“You what?!” She demanded incredulous at Phil’s confession.
“I love you.” He murmured again.
“No.”
“No?”
“No.”
“What do you mean ‘No’?” He looked up at her in amusement and a dash of bafflement.
“I damn well mean what I said. No. As in No you cannot possibly love me. As in No I do not accept that you love me. As in No we are not doing feelings and mushy stuff. No.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s not how this works. And I’m also pretty sure you can’t tell me how I’m supposed to feel Toni.” Phil was still amused, only a little less so now and more on the disbelieving side of things.
“No.”
“Toni you can’t just keep saying ‘No’.”
“Yes I fucking can. You don’t love me. I don’t love you. And we’re not doing fucking mushy human emotions. Fuck no!” She jumped out of bed and stormed into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. Phil was standing on the other side of the door knocking and calling her name but she was focused on getting a shower, freshening up and telling Jarvis to accept that lecturing gig at Oxford. She needed to get the fuck away from LA and Phil and the human emotions he was intent on making them express.
“Toni open the door.”
“Fuck off!”
“Toni.”
“No!”
She opened one of the cabinet drawers on her side and pulled out her handy flask that she always kept there, filled with her finest whiskey at all times and chugged at least half. She pulled out an E tablet and popped it. She needed the high to get through the next couple of hours. And so much more whiskey.
“Toni, open the door. Please.” Phil half begged in concern and half in exasperation. She walked into her walk-in-closet that was attached to their bathroom and got some clothes out that would be comfortable for her flight to England before she pulled together a quick few days’ worth of clothes and shoved her flask in a side pocket.
She’d have Jarvis get her jet ready and have Happy ready to go with a car while she hoped in the shower so he would be ready to go when she was done. Her shower wasn’t long and she tried her hardest not to get her hair too wet, she hated leaving her hair wet. She had a lecture to get to.
She reefed open the bathroom door and Phil fell forward a couple of steps before he straightened himself out and stood tall. He’d pulled on his boxer-briefs but that was all and he was looking at the bag in her hands and her dressed appearance.
“Where are you going?”
“Away.” She shoved past him and grabbed her passport from her bedside table and her watch and phone. She already had a tablet on her jet that she could work from. She grabbed her favourite bracelet, one that Phil had gotten for her as a surprise gift on their first official date as a couple. It was a beautiful and elegant gold and ruby encrusted bracelet that she wore all the time. It had costed Phil a small fortune but he’d said he couldn’t stop himself since it reminded him so much of Toni.
“What do you mean ‘away’? Where are you going? When will you be back? Why are you so mad at me?”
“I’ve decided to give a lecture at Oxford tomorrow, so I’m leaving for England. I don’t know when I’ll be back. And I’m mad because you brought stupid human emotions into this… this perfect thing between us. You know there’s nothing I hate more than stupid touchy-feely emotions.”
“Toni, come on, can’t we talk about this?”
“No. I’m leaving. Happy’s waiting.”
And she walked out.
+++
“… Excuse me, Miss Stark!” She turned around when she heard her name being called out from a short distance. She spotted the guy from her lecture that had been surrounded by two beautiful women who were again flanking him now as he approached her. She could see Happy had maneuvered into a position that was both protective but inviting. Allowing her to see who was approaching her and giving her the option to terminate the interaction before it began.
It was why she loved Happy the most. He was a protector wrapped in a cuddly teddy bear that allowed her to make her own decisions and went with the flow when she took the reins. He was just like Rhodey in that regard and she considered Happy to be one of her closer friends, even though he was her employee. He was worth his weight in gold.
“Yes? You’re the guy from my presentation that was asking the scientific questions about the components and the structure of my IC. What can I help you with…?” She asked. And as she studied him the closer he got, she could instantly tell he was an attractive young guy. Maybe a year or two older than herself with near perfect facial features and beautiful chocolate brown skin.
“T’Challa Udaku….”
“Ahh, you’re King T’Chaka’s son.”
“You know my father?” She could see the questions swimming around T’Challa’s eyes. He had a terrible poker face.
“Yeah. He came to my father’s house when I was younger for business. If I remember correctly he had nothing but high praise for you and your intelligence. Proud father.”
“That’s kind of you to say. My father believes you are the way of the future.”
“But not yourself?”
“I have yet to know you. I can’t possibly judge you from the hour I just spent listening to you present a lecture and we both know the media is a highly reprehensible form of information stream.”
“Yes well, if only the world was as right minded as yourself.”
“I’m sure I’m not the only one who believes this.”
“I have found in all my years that the media and people love to tear down what they cannot explain, praise those with like-minded thoughts and belittle those that colour outside their carefully constructed lines. Sure I’ve found a few that look beyond their rose-colour glasses, but most believe what they read.”
“Sounds lonely. Is that why you’re drunk?”
Toni was taken aback at T’Challa’s rather rudely worded question, though she gave him credit for being ballsy enough to actually say it. Although she didn’t know why, he is the Crown Prince of Wakanda, he could literally say anything without repercussions.
“No, I’m drunk because my stupid boyfriend is a stupid asshole and a stupid, stupid…. Stupid idiot.”
T’Challa chuckled a little at her little rant and she caught the amusement that flickered through his two bodyguards expressions. She also caught Happy’s smirk before he schooled his
features back into her stoic and nonchalant bodyguard.
“And pray tell, what has this stupid boyfriend of yours done? Although I must say I’m quite surprised you’ve managed to keep it from the media this long. Have you only just started dating?”
“What’s with the 20 questions Simba?”
“I’m just curious as to who could hold the attention of the Toni Stark long enough to have her swallowing back a bottle of alcohol because they’ve irritated her. He must be special.”
“He’s not special, he’s an asshole. A stupid, stupid asshole, that just had to go and ruin a perfectly good thing by inviting emotions into the conversation. Like we needed to add fucked up feelings into a conversation that involves me. The asshole thought that by saying he loved me, I would magically be more willing to talk about emotions. Clearly the asshole… The stupid asshole….” Toni was mumbling to herself.
“Her boyfriend’s name is Phil, Your Highness. They’ve been dating 6 months when he thought she was mature enough to listen to his feelings about her. Clearly he was mistaken and
the boss has been in denial the entire plane trip to England, cursing him out. Don’t take anything she says about the man with a grain of salt. She loves him too, she’s just too afraid to admit it since she’s afraid of getting hurt.” Happy supplied to T’Challa and Toni turned the stink-eye around on her bodyguard but she could see Happy had no hint of regret for saying what he did. And Toni knew how loyal Happy was, and how much the man liked and respected Phil. And she knew he would never speak ill about her or Phil in any situation, he had the highest amount of respect for both herself and Phil, and she respected him in return. To her, he was a valuable employee and friend. A confidante that was loyal and respectful and who she knew Phil trusted explicitly with her safety.
Her Phil was a true worrier, a complete mother hen about her safety. A quality she adored in Phil.
“I see. Perhaps I can buy you a coffee and you can regale me with all the reasons you believe this boyfriend of yours is a stupid asshole.”
“Now you’re talking my language.” Toni smirked at T’Challa.
++++
Toni was sitting in her hotel room in front of the big bay glass windows that overlooked the impressive grounds of Hyde Park with a glass of whiskey in her hand. She’d already had a few glasses while she sat in the solitude of her hotel room just thinking about what Phil had confessed. His love confession.
She knew in her heart, that maybe a part of her liked the idea of loving Phil, but she was too emotionally damaged and broken to be loved. And to love. Howard had made sure of that. And the thought of loving someone, letting that person into her heart, scared the absolute crap out of her. It had taken years for her to even consider loving Rhodey as a friend and that was after all the crap she’d put him through and all the times he’d proved himself loyal and worthy of her love. And Happy was a friend, she wasn’t sure she loved him quite like Rhodes, but he was proving himself worthy every day.
But Phil….
Phil was an entirely different can of worms. He’s sweet, caring, compassionate, protective, loyal, funny, smart, humble, sarcastic, passionate, responsible. Everything she wasn’t. Well expect smart and sarcastic. Those two she had in spades. But even for her genius brain, she couldn’t wrap it around the possibility of Phil possibly loving her. She was unlovable. She’d been told that so often in her life. She was too harsh, abrasive, rude, arrogant, egotistical. Really the list was endless. So the thought that Phil would willingly love her seemed impossible to her.
The door to her room opened, but she didn’t turn around. Only Happy had a key to her room, and he was more or less likely coming to check on her and make sure she’d had something proper to eat that wasn’t liquid or alcoholic. But he didn’t speak so she looked over her shoulder and was surprised to see Phil standing just over her left shoulder. He wasn’t wearing his usual bland and boring standard issue black suit and tie. He was dressed down in a navy blue polo shirt and a pair of khaki pants and a pair of casual dress shoes.
“Phil…”
“Toni.”
“What are you doing here?” She was confused as to why he was standing in her hotel room and not still in LA or at SHIELD headquarters.
“Happy asked me to come. Said something about you being a bit of a mess on the flight over here. He was worried about you.”
“Well as you can see I’m fine. So you can leave.”
“Toni, don’t be like that… Please. Can’t we just talk?”
“No.”
“I’m really starting to hate that word.”
“Well get used to it. It’s a very strong word in my vocabulary and I happen to like saying it.”
“Now you’re just acting like a spoilt brat. You’re the one that threw a tantrum when I said I couldn’t date you and against my better judgement I relented and I threw caution to the wind and caved. I gave you what you wanted. So you can’t just throw a hissy-fit and run away when things suddenly get real. What did you expect would happen when we started this? Did you honestly think that I wouldn’t tell you how I felt or did you think that this was some kind of fling for me and there would be no emotional attachments?... Huh?”
She opened her mouth to reply but the words caught in her throat when she took in the look in Phil’s eyes. Past his stoicism, she could see he was hurt. Hurt by her actions. Hurt by what she’d done. She closed her mouth and looked away, burned by the look in his eyes.
“Look I get that emotions and feelings are difficult for you. Hell, if I’d been through what you’d been through I wouldn’t be too willing to love anyone either. But I at least thought that for someone who’d been through what you have, you’d at least have the decency to see how far out on a limb I went just to tell you how I felt. That you wouldn’t just throw it back in my face like day old trash. I figured you’d see how big a step it was for me to confess my love to someone who is so emotionally fragile. I expected hesitance, confusion, maybe some denial. What I didn’t expect was full blown anger, childishness and a level of pure immaturity that I honestly didn’t expect from you. I mean, I’ll put up with a lot from you Toni, God knows your worth it, but running half way around the world to hide from your problems and from me is pushing it. Even for me. If you want an adult relationship, then act like an adult about it.”
“I’m sorry. Oh God Phil, I’m so sorry.” She could feel the panic rising in her chest. The more she listened to Phil talk, the more worried and panicked she got. Her brain was running away from her with all the different ways this talk (confrontation?) would end.
And all her brain was supplying her with was Phil walking out and never coming back. Phil walking completely out of her life because he’d had enough, because she’d pushed him to his breaking point, because she liked to test the boundaries of relationships with the equivalent of artillery fire and mortar shots. She was honestly scared that she’d pushed Phil too far.
That her emotional constipation would be the reason that he’d had enough of her. That her immature handling of the situation would cause him to leave. And that scared her.
“I don’t… I don’t know what’s wrong with me… Please don’t leave. God Phil I’m so sorry. I didn’t… Please… Please don’t leave. God I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be such a bitch….”
“Wow, woah, wow. What are you on about? I’m not leaving. Why would I travel half way around the world to make sure you’re alright if I was leaving you?”
“Because that’s the type of guy you are. Kind, selfless, caring, gentle, thoughtful, noble. You’re just the type of guy that would fly around the world to make sure I’m ok, putting me first even though I don’t deserve your kindness.”
“If anyone deserves my kindness it’s you Toni. You must know that?”
“I don’t. You’re too good. And I’m such a self-absorbed bitch….”
“You’re not.”
“Yes, I am. And I know you love me despite everything I do. Despite the shitshow that is my life. I know. I think I’ve known it a while. I mean, seriously, who willingly puts up with my
type of lifestyle? I don’t care how good the sex is, only someone truly in love with me could overlook all the drawbacks of being with me. But I’m scared.”
“Scared of what Toni?”
“What if it ends? What if, one day you decide that love isn’t a good enough reason to stay in this crazy life with me anymore? What if I invest my all into this thing between us and it all goes horribly wrong? I don’t… I can’t get hurt like that. I’m not strong enough to survive that… Not losing you. I’m scared that letting myself love you will only lead me to ruin and there’s only so many times I can fall before I can’t get back up.”
“But Toni, what if it’s magical? What if loving me is the best thing you ever do? What if being with me heals that piece of your heart you’ve been missing all your life? What if we create something truly spectacular with this thing between us? What are you going to regret more? Taking a chance on loving me and having a 50% chance that it doesn’t work or never taking that chance? This thing between us could last a lifetime… Listen, Toni, I can’t promise that we won’t fight, because I’m stubborn and you’re you. I can’t promise that there won’t be challenges down the road, it’s us so I know there will be. But I can promise I will be here no matter what happens. I will love you through every high and every low. I will love you no matter where life takes us. I will love you through every fight and every disagreement. And I will love you even if this goes wrong. Because I think you’re someone worth loving, and no one gets to tell me who I can and cannot love. Not even the great Toni Stark.”
She felt the tears trickle down her cheeks at Phil’s declaration. At the heartfelt truth he’d laid on her. His truth. And she hadn’t known it was what she’d needed to hear until he’d said it. Until he’d proven once again why he was such a special human being and why he was way too good for her corrupt heart. But the selfish part of her heart so wanted to believe in his words. Wanted to trust that Phil knew exactly what he was saying because she absolutely meant what she’d said earlier. She wasn’t strong enough to survive losing Phil.
“I will love you until my dying breath, because you Toni Stark are the best thing to ever happen to me and if anyone deserves to be loved, it’s you. Even if you can’t see what I see.”
She choked on what was either a half sob or a half laugh, but it caught in her throat as she reached out and wrapped her arms around Phil’s shoulders, burying her head in his strong, sturdy and familiar chest. Surrounding herself with his scent and being soothed by the familiarity of his cologne. Phil’s arms wrapped around her waist and held her tight as he continued to kneel on the floor in front of her chair. She’d forgotten about her glass of whiskey and for once she felt like she didn’t need a drink to sooth the brokenness within her. For a fraction of a moment she felt complete and whole. In Phil’s arms her problems were non-existent and miniscule in the grand scheme of things.
“I love you.”