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It doesn’t last long. It’s an odd look and an awkward press of lips.
But well, you are watching from afar and it doesn’t feel as if it doesn’t last long, it feels like it lasts a century, it feels like it compasses every speck of dust and dirt that ever were in the cosmos, and all of your head is is
they are kissing
They are kissing
They are kissing
(w- w hat does i t means?)
Ah.
Oh well.
Tooi turns and sees you but Kazuki doesn’t. He looks so guilty, as if he had just shot you himself.
You leave before you can see Kazuki turn around too-
-Because there’s an awful feeling in your gut -even if you know that it's unfair to assume something like that- that if he turned around he’d snicker at your face.
——
You almost died once.
It hurt.
And to be honest, you had imagined dying before,
In a similar manner,
In his arms.
That was not an unfamiliar fantasy at all back then, and you imagined it in quite the dramatic ways;
He’d hold you like he did when it did happen,
And you’d say:
"...Kazuki…
I love you":
That’s not what you said when it did , and after it happened, instead of having that kind of fantasy, you’d sometimes wake up sweating because you dreamed of it happening again.
You’d flinch at the noise of fireworks and car’s backfires.
And of course, Tooi probably had it worse, but for the strangest reason he still looked at you to make sure you were okay everytime.
You flinched at that kiss and Tooi looked at you again.
Well, you didn’t die then, and you didn’t die just now.
——
“Enta… I know you saw that, but that won’t happen again.”
Tooi tells you and you feel your organs catch on fire. You were not angry angry until those words, but now- well, you close your fists hard and there's nothing but the worst kind of icky rage.
“Why?” You laugh “How considerate of you, Tooi!”
“It was a mistake”
“You looked as if you were enjoying it.”
“…”
You can recognize the misery in his eyes and you never wanted to punch him as much.
-But
But it makes no sense to. There is no reason to be angry.
“…Really.” You say quietly, trying the damn hardest you can to change the tone. “If you talk like that then I’ll be upset… I don’t care if the two of you kiss or don’t. I really don’t.”
“…It won’t happen again.”
You look at him. He won’t say it but you know he would never do anything that would jeopardize the friendship between the three of you. There is no reason to be angry.
There were a lot of feelings you had since that day, and none of them were very easy to understand.
None of them are very easy to understand at all.
——
Kazuki comes into your house looking pissed as fuck, and it makes you recoil, stuttering hellos.
Barely looking at you ,he plops down at your living room and stares at the television.
“Kazuki...d-do you need s-something?”
“I kissed Tooi.”
He did.
“...Ah. I see.”
He sits down all at a sudden, staring at you.
“Don’t you think that’s weird?”
“...Why would I?”
...
Something whirls in your stomach.
...
You had said what you said in the most timid, taken back way, and you still can’t bring yourself to look at him directly.
“I am afraid he might act weird about it. He was weird after it happened. But then again...”
“Ah. M-maybe he's embarrassed?”
“I just looked at him that day and wondered what it would be like to kiss him. And so I did. “
He stares at the wall, as if it contained the meaning of life and death, and you wait incapable of moving, until he sights.
“I don’t know what that means.”
...
...You say nothing.
There is too much going on at your stomach, at your head, at your heart, and you understand nothing of it. Was Kazuki here to purposely torture you? Was that something he found amusing?
“What do you think that means?”
“...Well. It probably means you have a...A c-c-crush on him?”
He is still staring at the wall.
“...I never thought about it like that..I really just wondered what it would be like... I...Did he say anything about it to you, anyway?”
“...No?”
“Oh, okay....Thanks for listening Enta. I don’t think i would normally say anything, but I have really been trying to...Be more open... It’s hard, isn’t it?”
He smiles, and for an instant you have the vivid mental image of breaking a vase over his head.
“That’s really good, Kazuki. Please don’t...Bottle your feelings up.”
“Yeah...You too.. You can tell me anything too, you know.”
“Yeah, of course!”
“Do you want to play some games now?”
...You don’t want to. You want to be left alone and punch a wall.
“S-sure. Why not?”
He smiles at you like you just saved his life, lifting his eyebrows, and turning his head. It’s both...Very adorable and...Very handsome, and you suddenly you feel your breath be filled with the most unbearable fondness, and you remember at once all the reasons you once fell for him.
You still feel like breaking a vase over his head.
----
There used to be many dreams about being kissed, but it’s been a while since you had these.
Instead, now that you are here again while sleeping, you see Kazuki hold you like when you were dying, but rather than the shock it was in his eyes then, he goes over to kiss your eyelids. You cannot move.
After he does it, you see he looks amused.
So he goes in to kiss you in your lips and you close your eyes and your heart is beating way too fast. Then he stops.
He stops and he's staring at you and he’s smiling he’s smiling he’s smiling in the DARKEST most sinister mocking way and y. O. U-
“Well. What does it means, Enta?”
I s h e mocki n g you o r is h e s ad ? I s he c ry ing? How c an you b e so un fair?
You stand up and run away, to a forest of tall trees, and the shade the shade the shade of the trees keep growing larger and more isolating they are surrounding you more trees less sky more trees less sky more trees less sky ah-
Tooi.
There is Tooi.
A forest clearing.
‘Hi Tooi.’
“...Hey.”
He points a gun at you, so you
Get one too, and point at him.
“...You know.” You say. “I don’t want to kill you at all.”
“...Yeah. I don’t either.”
There’s soft laughter, and then you hear shots, but you have no idea who pulled the trigger-
So you wake up gasping for air
----
"Do you like Kazuki?"
That’s what you mean to say, as Tooi walks home with you. But you don’t.
You had rehearsed it for hours: You would say exactly that, then it would take a while but Tooi would admit to it and you would open a large smile and be like:
“I’m SO happy for the two of you!!!!! Please, please don’t hesitate to get together.”
But its silent now. When you did open your mouth to speak, it was about soccer.
And now its silent. Your lips tremble slightly and your teeth clatter for a moment, but the essential thing is that he doesn’t notice, and he probably won’t.
...Why is that you can’t bring yourself to say it? It’s just words, so why is your heart like this?
Why do you feel like you are choking?
Why...why... are you...
“Enta...”
“D-d-do you....d-doo- Ah!”
"Enta...Do you want to sit down somewhere? You..."
“I AM CRYING! I know.”
You roughly wipe the tears from the corners of your eyes and take a big, noisy breath.
“Well I am not anymore. NO MORE BULLSHIT.”
“...Enta... Just say what’s in your mind.”
It couldn’t get any more embarrassing than that, so you try to say it again, but you choke.
You choke once, then twice, then almost a third but you manage to say it.
“I think that Kazuki likes you.”
...
“...I dont know about that, really.”
“Well, I know him for a long time. And I think he does.”
...
“Do you like him back?”
“...It doesnt matter.”
“IT DOES!!!! F-fuck you okay!!!! I MEAN!!”
You mean.
What is it that you mean?
What does it means?
“I Mean!!! Just tell me if you like him, okay!!! I get it!!!!You already know i did. Do. Did. I don’t know, but you know about it, which is.... Fuc- If you like him too... If you like him too... Then...And you actually have a chance!!! And you are not crazy like me about it, because if I had a chance, I probably wouldn’t even be able to take it!! It would be too much to me!! Of course it wouldn’t be even possible but if it did...I wouldn't be able to take it! And he kissed you!!”
What you mean...
“He kissed you don’t you get it!!!d-d-don-don’t y-y-you...”
Your lips shiver and you look down at a gum glued to the pavement.
What is all of that?
“...Enta. You don’t get to decide for me what I do about it.”
“Huh?”
“What I do about it. Or don’t. It’s up to me.”
“Ah. O-o-of course. It’s between the two of you. I just wanted to say that you don’t have to-“
“...No...That’s not what I meant. Just don’t worry about it.”
His voice is kinder than you you'd have expect. You look at him and he's looking down as well.”
“...I don’t know if I like Kazuki. Or...” He sighs “These kinds of things...Are hard to understand.”
“Yeah!!! They are! They really are!!”
You feel your eyes water again, and the most terrible shame takes over, starting from your heart, to your liver, your feet, your head.
The fact that...
You felt so alone, all your life; And then you met Kazuki.
And then you realized that loving Kazuki was the kind of love that was to be felt alone.
Otone talking about boys with no shame at all, no shame, no shame at all.
"Enta... Please don’t worry too much about it. I wouldn’t want you t-"
"it didnt feel good to see the two of you kiss!!! It was SHIT and I felt- I felt like-
You felt like dying at the spot.
“BUT!! Still!!! The fact that the two of you...”
The fact that the two of them...
You don’t understand yourself what you are saying. It feels like an absurd epiphany about to be reached.
“Kazuki talking to me about kissing boys was like...I don't know what hurt the most!!!! The fact that he kissed someone else, the fact that it was you or- or”
The fact that he didn’t realize how much, and for how long, that you too...
“SORRY!! I don’t know what I'm saying!!! I always spout the shittiest bullshit!!”
...
“...We can sit down somewhere if you want to talk.”
You don’t want to bother him any longer but you also really want to ...
You also really want to...
What is it that you want to do?
“Tooi! Fuck!”
“...These kinds of things-“
Tooi looks intently.
“Are hard to think about. And are hard to understand. And are hard to talk about.”
His voice is very quiet but you listen with everything you have.
“I still don’t know about Kazuki. Or... Anything. But if that's what you mean...And if that would make you feel...Less alone...I do think that I...that I...like boys too.
Ah.
You find it hard to look at him in the eyes. Should you...? Should you?
You do look him in the eyes.
...
You remember when you were so much younger seeing two men look at each other in television once. Otone was distracted by her phone, but you watched unbelieving as two men glanced at each other in a way that made your heart ache in ways you couldn’t completely understand. Then they leaned in and
They leaned in and
kissed
Otone was still distracted by her phone.
---
You don’t kiss Tooi that day. But something about the look you give each other makes you remember that other day vividly and suddenly you can hear every sound that is going on at the distance. It's unusually quiet.
“...Thanks.”
He breaks contact, looking down, but smiles softly.
“...Yeah. You too.”
"Hey Tooi."
“Yeah?”
...
You forget what you were going to say.
Your best friends briefly kissed the other day, and it didn't feel good.
But now...Now you don’t feel that bad.
Right now you don’t feel bad at all.
You really did forget what you were going to say.
“There's something on your hair.”
“Oh. Is it a leaf?”
“Yeah. I think it might be. A huge one”
He shakes his head and put his hand to it trying to locate the non-existing leaf, and it looks so stupid that you burst out laughing hard.
“You little shit." He blushes as he realizes that was bullshit " Imma fucking shank you!“ He says.
You cannot stop laughing.