Work Text:
Bev sat at the bar, slowly peeling the label on her beer. The new job in LA wasn’t bad, but she missed Jimmy and Z. Apparently the head of the forensics field office in LA wasn’t invited to bowling nights or bar crawls with the other lab rats. She got it, it wasn’t like she’d ever asked Crawford to come along on her pub nights, but it still left her alone after work.
Pulling out her phone, she shot Jimmy a text.
I’m drinking alone at a bar. Is that sad or cool?
She grinned when her phone pinged almost immediately.
Cooler than me, I’m sure.
A picture appeared on her screen of Z in his boxers, drooling on Jimmy’s recliner, their cat asleep on his stomach.
Bev laughed. The next text that came through was accompanied by a selfie of Jimmy, wearing a sheet mask.
Smile at a cute boy and make a friend—one of us should get some dick tonight. FaceTime tomorrow?
Bev snapped a quick selfie of her dramatically chugging her beer. She noticed the bartender watching her, an eyebrow raised and a small smile coiling at the corner of his mouth. She signaled for another round and felt a little zing in her chest when he winked as he sat the bottle in front of her. She was about to call him over again, see if she could get a real smile out of him when she felt a tap on her shoulder.
“Your shirt—are you really into space shit or do you just like the graphics?”
Turning, Bev paused when she looked at the man still gesturing at her NASA t-shirt. The stranger was…well hell, pretty hot. Ashen gray hair fell over his eyes as he settled into the stool next to her. High cheekbones sloped down into about two days’ worth of salt and pepper scruff along a strong square jaw. He was squinting at her, whiskey colored irises studying her shirt and sweeping along her face. He wore a shirt with colorful dachshunds in a pattern that really should only look good on children.
And yet…
“The shirt, gorgeous,” The man said again, as if Bev was the odd one. “You into space or not?”
Waving at the bartender, the man paused to run his hands over his hair. He had pouting full lips that were probably pretty fun to nibble on and a tattoo of a burlesque dancer on his neck. Everything thing about him screamed BAD CHOICE.
The bartender came over and banged a bottle of beer in front of the man with a glare. Foam erupted from the bottle, but the bartender seemed to ignore it as he stomped away. Bev turned her attention back to Mr. Bad Choice.
Fuck it, she’d made worse decisions in her life.
“You should work on your lines,” Bev let her mouth curve slightly to take the sting off her words, making them playful.
“Lines?” The man squinted, cocking his head. “Oh, no, gorgeous, I wasn’t trying to get a hand in those panties. I was asking for a friend.”
Bev blinked, maybe she should order a shot. “I’m sorry?”
The man shook his head, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “I’ve got this friend, Adam, he fucking loves space.”
Bev cocked her head. “Adam?”
He flashed her a smile, his eyes warming. “He’s fucking brilliant, works as an engineer up at Mount Wilson. Does something with their optics programming…”
The man waved a hand in the air and took a long pull of his beer. “It’s hard to follow. Basically, he’s made a program that cleans up the images they pull.”
“Oh, does he work with the Hooker telescope?”
The man smiled wide, his pointed teeth peeking from the sides of the expression. He nodded. “You do like space! He’ll love you!”
“Uh-huh,” Bev tapped her nail on her beer. “And do you often go around recruiting women to date Adam?”
“He just moved out here about a year ago.” The man considered for a moment. “He’s got this thing, Asperger’s. It means he doesn’t process the world-”
“I know what it means.”
Something shifted behind the man’s eyes, the whiskey color going from warm to cold. “Then you know there’s not a thing fucking wrong with him, and if people would just shut the fuck up and practice a little patience-”
Bev held up a hand. “What’s your name?”
“Nigel.”
“OK Nigel, let me ask you a question: If he’s so great, why aren’t you dating him?” Bev heard what sounded like a snort and looked up. The bartender had his head down, looking at his phone, but she could have sworn…
“Got the wrong bits.” Nigel lamented, taking another swig of beer. He settled the bottle down. “I go both ways, wouldn’t mind taking you home myself, but Adam is straight.”
“Ah,” Bev toasted his misfortune before taking a long pull at her beer. She’d been there in college. “Sorry.”
Nigel stretched his neck to the side, the girl on his throat looked like she was bowing. “If I can’t have him, someone should. There’s no reason for someone as fucking wonderful as him to be home alone.”
“That’s…well, that’s a very evolved attitude, Nigel.” She knew damn well she heard a snort that time. She turned in time to see the bartender duck his head and rearrange napkins on the far end of the bar.
Nigel offered her a rueful smile. “The love, gorgeous…I used to let it drive me a bit insane. Wasn’t healthy for anyone. Just ask my ex-wife.”
“Not using her as a character reference?”
Nigel snorted. “If I want someone to call me a fucking bastard, I can just ask Darko there for another beer.”
He indicated at the bartender who flipped his middle finger up at Nigel without looking up from restocking the maraschino cherries.
“You’re sure this Adam wants to be dating?” Bev’s eyes lingered on the bartender. She filed his name away for future use.
“With you? He’d be over the fucking moon,” Nigel let his head drop grinning to himself. “Well, he’d be excited. Then he’d tell me no one can go over the moon just because of an emotional state, but it’s OK because he likes my hyperbolic language.”
“Let me guess, most girls don’t find his correcting them as cute as you do?”
“He starts out odd as fuck,” Nigel allowed. “But the second you get him talking about space, and his eyes light up…Last fucking girl he had did a real number on him, made him think he had act normal all the time—whatever the fuck that means. Goddamn Britney, telling him he didn’t love her enough because his brain is different.”
“I don’t mind him being different, Nigel, but I’m not really a blind date kind of woman.”
“You’re only saying that because you haven’t seen him,” Nigel’s expression got soft. “He’s got the most beautiful fucking eyes, clear and deep like the ocean. His hair fucking falls over his forehead in these perfect fucking curls. And yeah, he dresses like a goddamn accountant, but underneath those sweaters he’s fit as fuck.”
Bev smiled again, tapping her finger on the beer. It was hard not to be a little in love with Nigel’s love for the guy. She sighed. “OK, what’s this Adam look like?”
Nigel grinned, holding up his phone. The picture on the screen was of Nigel and a blue-eyed man with curly brown hair. The kid dressed like a grandpa, sure, but that didn’t take away from his soft smile, creamy skin and twinkling eyes. Nigel was grinning into the camera, but Adam’s eyes were trained steadfastly on Nigel, curls swept into the breeze as he watched his friend. There was something so content about his expression, and Bev wondered for a moment if Nigel wasn’t as right as he thought about Adam’s feelings.
Still, Nigel didn’t seem the type to beat around the bush, he’d probably asked Adam out the second he saw him—Bev would have.
“Damn,” Bev said running a finger along the picture. She looked up. “Next time, lead with the picture, Nigel.”
“So, it’s a date?”
Bev sighed, thinking about Jimmy at home with his sheet mask. She’d need something to tell him when they FaceTimed tomorrow.
“Why the hell not?” She held out her hand. “Beverly Katz.”
Nigel took her hand in his, shaking it once before winking. “You won’t regret this, Beverly Katz.”
When she heard the bartender snort for a third time, she ignored it.
Jimmy had been convinced that Nigel was some sort of cannibalistic serial killer.
“YOU GAVE HIM YOUR NUMBER?” He had squawked. “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?”
Bev shrugged, ignoring Jimmy’s apoplectic reactions on FaceTime. “I’ve got a gun, you know.”
“You end up sliced into little pieces I will glue you back together just so I can yell I TOLD YOU SO at the corpse.”
Bev had rolled her eyes at the time, but now, she was wondering if a serial killer might be a better dinner partner than the man sitting across from her, tapping his fingers and looking all around the bar.
Bev had agreed to meet back at Darko’s bar on Thursday. Adam had explained via text that it was quiet on Thursdays and he was comfortable with the bar. Evidently, there was a booth in the back corner that he and Nigel favored, which was farthest from the speaker system. There were also about ten texts regarding Darko stocking the right mac n cheese on his limited but adequate bar menu, and knowing to keep the music down on Thursdays, but Bev had kinda skimmed them.
She wished the music was turned up, because the stony silence that was stretching into minute 7 was starting to make her skin itch. When Darko put their drinks down at the table—a beer for Bev and a flat water with five maraschino cherries for Adam—Bev finally tried to break the silence. “Adam, are you OK?”
“Yes.” Adam nodded and went right back to flitting his eyes around the bar in silence.
OK then.
“Do- do you not want to talk?”
Adam’s eyes landed on Bev for a moment and she was struck again with how blue they were. “I do. But Nigel said the best way have a successful date is to allow your date to select the conversation topics. Actually, he said if you want to get your dick wet, let her steer the talk and pretend you care, gorgeous, but essentially that’s what he meant.”
Bev took a long drink. “OK, any other sterling advice from Nigel?”
“He said you had a beautiful face and a great ass, but your tits weren’t big. That’s true, but I told Nigel that it wasn’t a problem for me.” Adam assured her. His hands were tapping again. “He said to try not to comment on your physical attributes too soon—oh, was that too soon?”
“Guess not.” Bev huffed a small laugh. “I do a lot of squats.”
“It shows.” Adam nodded. They lapsed into silence again. Adam bit his lip.
“Hey Adam,” He looked up again. “Does Nigel normally coach you on dates?”
“No.” Adam smiled. “The last woman I went out with said I was rude, and Nigel’s so good with people. I thought he could help me with my social interactions.”
“How’s that going?”
“It’s good, I think. We have practice dates, so I know what to do in uncomfortable social situations with strangers.”
“You have practice…dates.” Bev squinted at the man across from her. “What, uh, what does that entail?”
“We go to the movies, sometimes. We go out to eat—sometimes I even let Nigel choose where to go, since he’s pretty good at selecting foods I’ll like.” That dreamy smile was back on Adam’s face. Bev wondered if they’d ever practice fucked, because this was getting ridiculous. “We sit on the sofa together and talk. Of course, we do that whether we’re practicing or not. It’s very comfortable.”
Bev raised an eyebrow she gestured between them. “And how’s this feeling?”
Adam frowned. “You’re very attractive, but you’re not as good of a conversationalist as Nigel. Not as funny, either. He makes me laugh all the time. And when I make him laugh, his eyes crinkle at the corners, and he looks so handsome.”
Bev resisted the urge to laugh, at herself, at this ridiculous date, at how fucking stupid men were. “Adam, about these practice d-”
“Adam?” Bev and her date both looked up to see Nigel hovering over their booth. “Gorgeous, what are you doing here?”
“It’s Thursday, we always go to Darko’s on Thursday.” That smile was back, Adam was practically glowing when he turned to Nigel. Bev noted that his eyes still roamed, but their course was less random now, seemingly content to trail around the features of Nigel’s face.
“Darling, I thought you were going to take her to the Italian place we tried last week?”
“I, uh, I thought this would be better.”
“Why?” Nigel’s hand reached out, but he snatched it back before he could touch Adam’s curls.
“Because if this didn’t go well, you’d be here,” Adam explained like it made all the sense in the world. “Then we could have dinner together and maybe go home and watch Cosmos?”
Nigel’s cheeks heated slightly and he ducked his head. “But it’s going well, isn’t it?”
“Not very,” Adam said, before turning to offer Bev a rehearsed, polite smile. “You’re very attractive, but you’re not picking any good conversation topics. I don’t know if you noticed, but there’s been a lot of silence since we sat down.”
“What? Adam didn’t you talk about space?” Nigel made a motion with his chin and Adam immediately scooted over, allowing the older man to sit next to him in the booth.
“She didn’t mention it!” Adam pointed an accusatory finger Bev’s way, but didn’t take his eyes off of Nigel.
“Well, you could have brought it up, darling.”
“Oh,” Adam looked down for a moment. “I suppose I could have. You usually bring it up and then I know it’s OK to talk about it.”
Adam glanced at Bev. “I’m sorry, I should have brought up space the first time you let the conversation lull.”
Nigel slung an arm around Adam’s shoulders. “He didn’t mean it like that. Adam works on the Hooker telescope, fucking smartest member of the optics team, aren’t you, gorgeous?”
“I’m an essential team member,” Adam nodded, turning back to Nigel, “But I’m not sure how we would even begin qualifying smartest person. Would you use a traditional IQ test? Or perhaps we could look at job performance over time?”
Nigel chuckled, ruffling Adam’s hair. Bev watched as the younger man leaned into the touch. “You’re fucking smarter than me, anyway.”
Adam frowned. “You know I don’t like it when you denigrate your intelligence.”
Nigel ducked his head again. “I was just trying to explain to Bev here how fucking smart you a-”
“Nigel is very intelligent too.” Adam turned to face Beverly. “He’s got a very high emotional intelligence. He’s great with people and quick to pick up social cues. He also processes information quickly. I never have to repeat myself when I’m talking about processing speed for my optics program. He always understands right away.”
“That’s just because you explain it so well.”
“No, you’re very intelligent. Remember when you made that observation about the shadowing on images? That’s when I realized the mirror needed to be re-aluminized.”
“You were so upset about the readouts.”
“But you didn’t get mad once when I was upset, you-”
“Does anyone else need another round?” It was louder than Bev had meant it to be, but at least it stopped the goddamn farce going on before her eyes. Both men turned to her with mildly shocked faces, as if it just occurred to them she was still at the booth.
“You’ve not finished your beer,” Adam said, pointing at the half-full bottle.
Bev smiled, grabbing the beer and chugging it faster than she ever did in her Quantico training days. When she finished, she smacked the bottle on the table with a thunk. “Done now. I’m grabbing another. Nigel? Adam?”
“No thank you.”
“I should get going.”
“No! Please stay!” Adam grabbed Nigel’s sleeve. “We were all having such a good time.”
Nigel’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he looked at Adam. Bev had to admit; he did look handsome like that. “Alright, Carlsberg? Tell Darko to put it on my tab.”
Bev launched herself out of the booth and toward the bar. The bartender was watching her with dancing eyes and a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth. She flopped onto the stool directly in front of him.
“Another round?” He asked innocently.
Bev shot the bartender a flat glare. “Is this some kinky game they’re playing or do they honestly not know?”
Darko laughed before sighing. “Nope, it’s been six fucking months of this.”
“Jesus.”
“You’ve only had it for a night, sweetheart,” Darko put another bottle of beer in front of her before leaning his elbows on the polished bar. Bev let her eyes drift over the way his gray t-shirt bunched under the swell of his biceps. “I’ve lost hours of my life to this shit.”
“Can’t you just ban them from the bar?”
Darko’s smile widened. He lifted his chin at the booth. “That fucker who’s practically drooling over your date? He’s my best friend.”
“Let me guess what his favorite subject is.”
Darko rolled his eyes. He mimed smoking a cigarette, squinting his eyes and curling his lip in a fair approximation of Nigel. “Darko, did you know Adam has improved visibility in the Hooker whatsitfuck by 20%? Darko, did you know that Adam likes my hair longer? Darko, did you order more mac n cheese? You know Adam comes in on Thursdays. Did you notice that Adam is wearing more blue? I told him I liked the color on him and maybe it’s a sign that-”
“Stop!” Bev laughed, letting her chin drop to her hand, leaning closer to him. “You poor bastard.”
“You have no idea.” Darko shifted, and suddenly his face was very close. Bev found she wanted it closer. “Fucker even hit on this pretty girl who came into the bar, got a date for fucking Adam before I could ask her out.”
Bev felt her heart lurch, then start beating in double time. She let her grin go wide. “That’s awful.”
“I was pretty pissed.”
Bev hummed for a moment, content to just smile goofily at Darko while he grinned back at her. After a few breaths, Bev straightened. “I have a proposal for you.”
Darko's brows lifted skeptically. “What?”
Bev turned on the stool to look at Adam and Nigel. They were still chatting, huddled close in the back-corner booth. Neither, it seemed, noticed that Bev was taking too long to fetch drinks. “If I hook them up, you give me a free drink.”
Darko tilted his head, grinning wide. “You fucking end this dance, you’ll drink for free whenever I see you.”
“Give me a Carlsberg too.” Darko smiled and plunked another bottle on the bar. Bev winked at him, grabbing both beers and heading back to the booth.
Bev smacked the beers on the table and to their credit, Nigel and Adam had the grace to at least look up from their conversation. Bev handed Nigel his bottle and clicked it with her own.
“Cheers!” She smiled at Nigel, who looked confused, but took a pull from his drink. Bev waited for the bottle to be at Nigel’s lips before she spoke again. “So Adam, I find Nigel very sexually appealing. What do you think of him from a sexual standpoint?”
Nigel choked on his mouthful of beer, Bev smiled. Adam patted on Nigel’s back a few times before looking up at Bev.
“Oh, yes. He’s very sexually appealing.” Adam paused, then tilted his head. “O-oh…does this mean you’d rather date N-”
“One second, honey,” Bev turned to Nigel, who was wiping his chin with the back of a hand and glaring. “OK Nigel, your turn. Adam is the cutest fucking thing in this bar and anyone would be lucky to bed him—true or false?”
Nigel’s eyes flashed for a moment and Bev saw the heat flush beneath his tanned skin. "Fuck y-"
"True or false?"
"I-it's OK Nigel." Adam smiled before turning to Bev. "Nigel doesn't find me-"
“True,” He muttered.
Adam turned in his seat to look at Nigel.
“True?” Adam’s voice was tentative and soft.
Nigel’s lip snarled slightly before he looked up.
“True,” his voice was gravely, but sure.
Bev nodded. “So, I guess my question becomes…why am I sitting here?”
Adam glanced at Bev. “We’re on a date.”
“True,” Bev smiled. “But we’re only on a date because Nigel here wanted to make you happy. And he thought you’d be rather be on a date with me than a date with him.”
Adam’s brows lifted, his eyes going wide as his mouth formed a little O. “Oh. Oh no, that’s not true at all, Nigel’s much better than you.”
Bev twitched slightly at the statement, but shook it off. She clapped, getting both men’s attention. “Just so we’re clear, then. Nigel, you’d like to date and fuck Adam. And Adam, you’ve got no problem touching man parts, especially if they’re attached to Nigel.”
“Yes.” Adam grinned turning to Nigel.
“Fuck yes,” the older man whispered.
“Great, you boys have a lovely evening. I’ll be at the-” Bev let the sentence die. Nigel had lunged for Adam and had his tongue halfway down the younger man’s throat. Adam was tugging at Nigel’s hair, trying to get him closer as he moaned. They bumped the table when Adam tried to swing a leg over Nigel’s hip and Bev saved her beer from tipping before squeezing out of the booth.
Bev walked toward the bar, pausing to bow when she saw Darko smiling at her. She reclaimed her stool in front of him, grinning when he clapped for her. Bev lifted a brow. “You don’t have a best friend you secretly want to bone, do you?”
“Nah,” Darko leaned on the bar again, close and smiling. Fuck, he smelled good. “But I have to warn you, I’m kinda hung up on this girl who keeps coming into the bar.”
Bev felt warm all over. “Let me guess… beautiful face and a great ass, but her tits weren’t that big?”
Darko closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. “Jesus Christ, which one said that?”
“Both?” Bev glanced down at her blouse. She looked up and held out her hand. “Beverly Katz, I’ve got small tits.”
A large, warm hand enfolded hers. “Darko, I’ve got idiot fucking friends.”
“I won’t mention your friends if you don’t comment about the tits, deal?”
Darko grinned. “Deal.”
He hadn’t let go of her hand yet, Bev didn’t mind. She turned her hand, letting her fingers entwine with his.
“So…Darko?” Bev took a sip of her beer with her free hand. “If we become a thing, do I still drink for free?”
Darko gestured between them with his hand. “This becomes a thing; you can eat for free too.”
“Think we’ll be as bad as those two?” Bev grinned, glancing back at Adam and Nigel and freezing. “HOLY SHIT. Are they going to fuck in that booth?”
Nigel’s ass was in the air, Adam’s Chuck Taylors digging into the meat of it as it thrust forward.
Bev heard a sigh behind her before Darko’s voice boomed over her shoulder. “NIGEL! YOU KNOW THE FUCKING RULES ABOUT THAT, FUCKER.”
Nigel’s ass stilled. The giant tangle of limbs in the booth began to move. Eventually, Nigel stood, Adam’s legs wrapped around his waist. They kept kissing as Nigel walked around the bar and toward a door in the back with Office written in gold block letters on the fogged glass. Nigel kicked open the door and flipped off Darko before disappearing into the office and slamming the door behind him.
“They seem happy?” Bev offered.
Darko’s eyes squinted in pain. “Fuck. The goddamn electric bill is on the desk.”
Bev grimaced. “You may want to consider online bill paying.”
Darko nodded. There was a loud moan from inside the office.
“So, Darko…” Bev raised an eyebrow. “You got beer at your place?”
Darko’s eyes warmed, Bev noticed they crinkled at the edges when he smiled. “Yeah, I do.”
“Can I drink for free there too?”
Darko broke out into a broad grin before standing up straight and calling to the bar. “CLOSING TIME! SETTLE YOUR FUCKING TABS AND GET THE FUCK OUT!”
Bev beamed as she finished her beer. Turns out, blind dates weren’t so bad after all.