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It wasn't until Jean was lying face down over a heavy wooden box with a stubbed toe and two rapidly bruising knees he realized just how hard he had fallen for Eren.
He caught Eren like a cold. His sharp tongue and green eyes were in Jean’s system long before he felt the symptoms. Then out of nowhere, he starts to wake up to Eren induced headaches, a bloody runny nose, and a sore throat from shouting. Their conflicts always ended in full hearted apologies, like doses of medicine, until they eventually started ending in dark bedrooms with pirated movies and frozen pizzas.
Jean pulled himself into a sitting position and kicked out his sore foot, pulling the box he tripped over closer. It was heavy and filled with Jean’s memories. He unhinged the lock and just under the lid, Jean’s high school varsity soccer uniform and photo of his soccer team greeted him. He snorted and traced long fingers over his printed smiling face and then the arm slung around his shoulders leading to none other than Eren’s own.
Under his uniform was his senior yearbook. Jean felt dumb opening it and flipping straight to Eren’s picture because he’d done it a thousand times. Photo Eren was leaning against a tree in his family’s backyard, surrounded by autumn leaves and wearing a stupid green turtleneck that matched his eyes and the dark blue scarf that Eren stole right off Jean’s neck that day and never actually returned. Instead of using the blank spaces in the front and back of yearbooks, Eren always signed his messages on the same page as his picture. Jean remembers staring at Eren’s surprisingly neat handwriting as many times as he remembers flipping to his smiling 18 year old face.
Horseface,
I don’t know how much “don’t ever change” bullshit I have read today but I want you to know that from me, to you. Dude, I hope you fuckin’ change. We’ll probably never stop fighting and I know that I will never stop changing and I hope you don’t either. I’ve never met anyone that can take my right fist to their face as well as you can and I’d honestly miss that if you ever left me.
Love, Eren
He didn’t dig any deeper into that box because he already knew what was in it. Mementos from his high school career that he was absolutely positive could be traced back to Eren in some way. He shut the book, shut the box, and slid it underneath his bed trying to forcibly stop his mind from thinking about the Valentine’s Day fake rose he got from Eren as a “joke” in their junior year or the miscellaneous folded pieces of paper that resembled cards he had also gotten from Eren on other holidays.
Eren was going to be there soon after all, just like he was every weekend since college started. After graduation, Jean went straight to work at his father’s publishing company while Eren went off to attend college two and a half hours away. Despite the distance, Eren showed up like clockwork every Friday around 6:30 in the evening and left every Sunday around the same time. Their routine hadn’t changed much in those eight months since high school. Eren would knock on the door and let himself in if nobody answered. If she was there, Jean’s mother would greet him and ask him, and not Jean, what he wanted to eat for dinner. Then they would end up either sprawled out together on the living room couch watching movies or curled up in Jean’s bed playing video games or working/studying. Jean noticed Eren hardly ever went home to his own house despite being in town every weekend. Sometimes they’d go and hang out with their friends that stayed home after graduation or Skype call the ones who didn’t. But Jean hadn’t set foot in Eren’s house since they’d both come trudging back after their last soccer game and besides packing his things, he was almost sure Eren hadn’t either.
A familiar police like knock sounded from his front door downstairs crashing his train of thought. Jean was alone, so he figured his mother must have locked up before she left. Thumping down the stairs and pulling the door open, he was faced with his typical scowling Eren which for some reason made his heart beat a little faster. He must have been standing there a little too long because Eren cocked an eyebrow at him.
“Dude, are you okay?”
Jean just shrugged and walked back into the house.
“What’s wrong?” Eren asked Jean’s retreating back as he shut the door.
He watched Jean grab some soda from the fridge and walk over to the couch before the other boy opened his mouth. “Nothing is wrong I’m just thinking too much.”
Eren joined him, flinging his feet into Jean’s lap. “About what?”
“About stuff that I don’t even know why I’m thinking about right now. So can you please just drop it and pick a movie so I can not think at all?”
Eren scoffed and plucked one of the sodas from Jean’s hand. “Whatever, you’re such a dick when you’re confused about shit.”
“I am not confused about anything just shut up and movie.” Jean huffed chucking the TV remote at Eren’s chest.
They made it through a solid three and a half hours without talking or moving while a Harry Potter marathon played. Finally with a Mc Donald’s commercial Eren broke the silence. “Where’s mom?”
“Business trip. Gone till tomorrow.”
Eren hummed. Once The Goblet of Fire started back up he nudged Jean in the chest with his foot. “You’d tell me if something was wrong though, right?”
Jean snorted and ran a fingernail roughly up Eren’s foot making him yelp and fall off the couch.
“What the fuck asshole!”
“You really wanna know what’s on my mind right now?” The taller boy asked grinning, leaning forward on his knees leaving just inches between their faces.
Eren angrily opened his mouth to retort but was stopped dead when Jean’s hands were pulling him forward by the collar and soft lips were pressing a sweet, lingering kiss to the corner of his mouth.
He pulled back with a full smirk and sunk into the couch.
“Now, react.”
Wide green eyes stared up at him from the floor, still in shock.“The fuck?”
Just as Jean was about to laugh, Eren shot up and glared down hard. “Are you making fun of me you jerk?” he spat.
The smirk fell from Jean’s face. What did he mean was he making fun of him? But he could tell Eren was dead serious. His fists were clenched tight and his gaze was sharp like it always was before the two of them got into a fight.
But Jean didn’t want to fight, the opposite in fact.
“Eren, why would I be making fun of you?”
Eren looked absolutely livid. “There’s no way you’re that fucking stupid Jean!”
“Excuse me! What the fuck Eren? What the fuck are you talking about?” They stood face to face now. Jean’s hands were threatening to worm their way back into Eren’s collar but for far different reasons. Nostalgic waves of anger started to crash in Jean’s mind. Memories of fights past, bruises and frustrated tears, soft apologies and Eren bumping their shoulders together, the way they gravitated a little closer with every year that passed.
“I am so fucking obvious Jean! There is no way even someone as dumb as you could miss it!”
Softer edged memories tugged at him. Eren’s smile, borrowed shirts, random calls that bled into the early hours of the morning when Eren had classes the next day. The box that was tucked away upstairs that was filled with Eren, with them. Years of feelings and arguments and birthdays and holidays and a soft spoken yearning that went dangerously close to toppling over the edge of platonic feelings.
“And you always just, let me! I know it’s just because you’re-- Not even because you’re nice! Because I know you at least kind of cherish our friendship. I mean you have to right?” The anger in Eren’s eyes slowly drained from his face and left him looking scared, almost pleading.
Eren made a half hearted shove at Jean’s chest, eyes dropping to their feet. “Say something asshole…”
“Yes.”
He waited for Jean to continue, but he didn’t. “What do you mean, yes?” Eren squinted, torn between being angry and confused.
“I’m stupid and I do cherish our friendship. And no, I didn’t have any idea what’s been going on between us for the past five years but, as of about two hours ago when I was trying to clean up my room, I think I’m starting to get an idea.” Jean’s gaze went back to the movie still playing beside them, willing himself to not say anything that might set Eren off. Because yeah, if he was right, then Eren’s been low key flirting with him under the guise of best friend for years, and Jean was just too stupid to think anything of it. Mainly because he just didn’t think about it at all. So, why then? Why has Eren never had a girlfriend? Why would the first answer to come out of Eren’s mouth every time Jean was having the most minor of relationship problems always be, “Dump them then?” it always sounded so bitter. Most importantly, why in fuck’s name would Eren be willing to be in a car for five hours every single weekend just to do everything he would normally do in his dorm room, in Jean’s room?
When Jean looked back at Eren, it was like seeing him in a whole new light. He was the same as he was two years ago, two months ago, two weeks ago. He bit his lip in the same way he always had when he was trying to apologize for something. His toes were curled into the carpet and his hands bunched up the fabric of his cargo shorts just like Jean knew they always did when he was nervous. He was the exact same, yet somehow very different.
“You can’t be that stupid, can you?” Eren’s voice was quiet. His eyes downturned not being able to look Jean in the eye.
Jean scoffs. “Would you really put it past me?”
There’s a long pause between them. Jean studies Eren’s face, looking for a sign. But Eren looked like a wounded animal. He looked vulnerable and scared, something that Jean had rarely ever seen.
Eren shrugs bitterly. “Well, now you know…”
Before Jean has a chance to say anything Eren turns on his heel and walks towards the door.
“Hey, what— where are you going?”
“I’m leaving.” Eren says shortly.
Jean lets out a frustrated breath and catches Eren by the arm.
“I thought we were having a moment here. Why the fuck would you leave?”
Eren tries to pull his arm back but Jean doesn’t budge.
“Eren.” Jean’s voice was firm. “Look, I know I’m dense, and I’m sorry. But I just— I…” Jean lets out another noise in frustration. “I’m here now! I get it. And I want this. Whatever this is.”
Eren turns to look at him. His eyes fiery just like they always were. Eren seemed to be at a loss for words. Instead, Jean’s grip on him loosens and he pulls Eren closer.
“Talk to me.” Jean tries to sound soothing.
Eren starts to deflate. He drops his arm with a sigh. “I don’t know what to say to you.”
Jean regards that and finally drops his grip. “Then don't say anything. Come back and watch Harry Potter with me.”
Eren considers him. He doesn’t fight it when Jean grabs his hand and leads him back to the couch. Jean wraps an arm around Eren’s shoulders and pulls him closer. He’s stiff at first, but after a few moments he could feel himself melting into Jean’s side. They don’t talk for a long while. Both of them simply enjoying the closeness. Jean’s fingers trace small circles over Eren’s skin, and Eren’s head lulls itself onto Jean’s chest.
At the end of Goblet of Fire, Eren finally breaks the silence. “So, what now?” Eren asks pulling himself up out of Jean’s hold.
Jean looks at him for a moment and lets out a long breath. “Can I kiss you again?”
Eren is quiet. He nods, letting his eyes close. Jean shifts on the couch and takes Eren by the shoulders before leaning in and pressing their lips tighter. Eren’s head tilts and he presses closer letting out a soft breath. Jean’s lips start moving against his asking to deepen the kiss. Eren complies, slowly opening up for him. Jean nibbles on Eren’s bottom lip coaxing a little laugh out of him. It’s a little awkward at first. Their teeth click together as they both try to take charge. Jean recoiles just for a moment until he feels Eren’s tongue searching for his.
Kissing Eren should have been weird. This was his best friend. But in the back of his mind, Jean realized that their closeness had never been weird or uncomfortable. Neither of them ever pulled away when they got too close. All of the brushes of fingertips and arms slung over shoulders had been nothing but normal if not welcome. Even so, Jean had never put two and two together.
They stay like that for a long time. Carefully exploring each other. Eren is the first to pull back, resting his forehead against Jean’s.
“So, how does this work?” Eren asks softly.
Jean lets out a breathy little laugh and presses another quick kiss to Eren’s lips. “I imagine just how it always was. Just with more kissing. Probably amazing sex.”
Eren shoves Jean away playfully. “You have to earn that.”
“Oh yeah? How do I do that?”
Eren snorts and flings his upper body into Jean’s lap and kicks his feet up. “Buy me pizza.”
“Okay, get off.”
Eren laughs. “Seriously?”
“I’m a man on a mission.”
Eren rolls his eyes. “Shut up and finish Harry Potter with me.”
“But that’s like, five more hours!.”
“I’ve waited years for this, you can handle five more hours.”
“Fine…”
Eren goes quiet then. Jean’s hand comes to rest over Eren’s arm. A comfortable silence sets in and Jean closes his eyes. He didn’t know where exactly he was heading with Eren, but he knew as long as they were together, it didn’t matter.