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As Crowley feed and burped Lottie, he couldn’t help but think back on Ava and Noah being this small. He was being dumb and selfish at the time, so he hadn’t be welcomed around very much. He desperately wished he could get those moments back. The way Lottie’s little eyes fluttered and just how small she felt in his arms left a yearning in his chest. When Lottie had finally drifted off to sleep Crowley did something he hadn’t ever done in centuries. He bowed his head, and softly started to speak.
“I bet this was part of your plan. Having a demon and angel together for centuries only to produce human babies. What can I do to make this up to them? Especially Aziraphale? I screwed up big time, I know messing things up is what a demon does but, I just can’t handle this screw up, not this time. Every other screw up you’ve handed me, I’ve dealt with. But this? This I can’t handle. I know I’ve fallen from grace and trust me I will never forget that. Please know I’m not asking for myself, not this time. I’m asking for my children, the same beings you created. Please make sure they all are ok even Aziraphale, even if it’s not with me.” Crowley’s voice cracked at the end.
Now that he was cleaning up his act he didn’t want to not be a part of their lives. He loved taking Ava to cheerleading practice, singing in the car with Noah and teaching his children about the hard things in life. He knew that Aziraphale was a saint anyone could see that and therefore the angel deserved these children and all the love in the world but Crowley? Well he was a different story, he wasn’t so sure he deserved these lovely children that adored him no matter his shortcomings as a father.
Crowley continued to wonder about his future as he rocked Lottie and watched as the night passed and early daylight broke.
Aziraphale hurried into the living room and stared at Crowley a surprised look on his face. “You’re still here?”
Crowley nodded. “Yes, you needed the rest and I got to bond with Lottie. Thank you again for the chance to be here.”
Aziraphale continued to stare almost as if he didn’t believe what he was seeing. “Why are you still here? Shouldn’t you have already left? That is what you seem to do best, stay for a few hours and leave the wind catching the door as you walk out.” Bitterness was starting to lace the angel’s voice.
Crowley winced slightly hurt by the truthfulness of the statement. “Look, angel can we talk?”
Aziraphale glared. “Don’t call me that.”
Crowley nodded. “Sorry, Aziraphale, sit down and talk to me please? I'm begging you.”
Aziraphale snorted settling into the sofa and took Lottie from Crowley. “You begging? Isn’t that something a demon doesn’t do?”
Crowley nodded. “Normally yes you’d be correct but honestly I highly doubt I’m very much a demon anymore. I haven’t really felt like one since we switched bodies to save each other. I..I’ve done horrible things to you and the kids and I will never forgive myself for that. I was trying to desperately to hold onto something that wasn’t in me anymore. It was all I’d known. I didn’t know how to live without being a demon.” Crowley dragged a hand through his hair. “I want to apologize for not being here when I should have been. We should have been doing this parenting thing together, not you doing it alone.”
Aziraphale nodded gently rocking Lottie, tension still in his body. “Exactly right but, I was left to do it alone and I didn’t complain. Not once, and I never will because it taught me some very good lessons. The biggest one being that I would never regret always putting my children over my desires. They are my world and it saddens me that you don’t feel the same way.”
Crowley moved to sit forward his body leaning towards Aziraphale’s body. “But that’s the thing, I was doing thinking as I was watching Lottie. I want to be there and the children are my world. I don’t want to not be there for them.”
“So, you expect me to just forgive you for everything that’s happened? You want me to just open my wings up to you again?” Aziraphale shook his head softly. “I’m sorry I can’t do that.”
“No, I don’t expect you to do that. I don’t expect anything from you. I would like to start over with you. A brand new slate if you will. I don’t want to do this whole thing without you. I never have wanted too. You’ve been the only constant thing in my life for over six thousand centuries.” Crowley’s eyes were wet as he stared at Aziraphale.
“Are you crying? We can’t cry.” The angel leaned forward to find that indeed Crowley’s eyes were wet. “Oh my you are crying.”
Crowley blinked surprise written on his face. “Maybe I’m not a demon anymore…” He wiped at his eyes to find his hands wet. “I wonder what this means..”
“Maybe you’re kind has banished you..” The angel felt his heart hurt a little for the man he loved.
“Did you cry when you’re wings were stripped?”
Azripahle nodded slowly. “For the first time in my own existence I experienced emotions, I’d never had before. It was quite alarming.”
“I sort of prayed a few hours ago.” Crowley admitted, not feeling an ounce of shame in his statement.
The angel stared at the man. “You what?!?”
“I prayed, or at least I think I did.” Crowley shrugged as if he was admitting he had done something mundane.
“What in God’s name did you pray for?” The angel was now fully attention on the demon.
“I prayed for our children and you.” Crowley admitted softly. “I prayed that she would watch over you and make sure you are all ok. Even if it wasn’t with me.”
The angel felt his hurt and anger melt away at that statement. “You really weren’t being selfish when you prayed were you?”
The demon shook his hung head. “No, I wasn’t. I meant it. I want the children happy and healthy and I want you to be happy. I’ve caused you a lot of hurt and I don’t deserve you or the kids. You’ve been so strong and relistant when it came to my wrong doings. You were the one being in this whole universe that’s always believed in me.”
“You mean to say I am the only being.” The angel corrected softly.
Crowley’s head snapped up as he stared at Aziraphale. “You what?”
“I still believe in you. I believe you can be a good being. Just because God herself cast you out of heaven doesn’t make you entirely bad. You were the first angel that she cast out. She didn’t want angels questioning her but look at humanity, they question her all the time. Why is it ok for them to do it but not you?”
Crowley raised an eyebrow at the angel. “Those humans go to hell, how does that prove your point?”
“I question her judgement and her plans. I know I say she must know what she’s doing but honestly ever since having my wings taken, I find myself questioning why everytime I’m coupling with you I find myself blessed with a child. I find myself questioning what her plan for us is. Ever since the Apocalypse didn’t happen, I find myself questioning what ultimate end plan is for the two of us.”
Crowley tilted his head in surprise. “You question God? You’re a saint.”
Azirephale shook his head. “I’m far from one. I’ve made mistakes and done my time paying for those mistakes.”
“Was loving me one of them?” Crowley stared at the angel wondering what his answer would be.
“Loving you will never be a mistake as much as people wish I would say it is. I can’t say that.” Azirephale answered softly.
“You still love me.” Crowley stated softly.
“I’ve never stopped but, you’ve hurt me tremendously. I can’t just go back to you and act like nothing happened. It would destroy me.”
Crowley nodded slowly. “Could we take things slow and see where they go?”
Aziraphale stared at the man that he’d been in love with since the garden of Eden and then stared down at his newborn daughter that was a perfect mix of them both. “Only if we take things on my terms and you are around to help with the children. Everyday, you need to be here helping with children, you need to be more present.”
Crowley’s responding smile could have broken anyone’s depression into micro dust. “Of course, it’s all on your terms. Thank you for letting me prove myself to you.”
Aziraphale smiled softly at the demon and reached to take the other man’s hand. “It’s all in your hands now. Prove to me that you want your family.”
“I swear to you I will.” Crowley gently took the angel’s hand. He felt his heart swell with happiness at the contact.
It seemed that God, herself was smiling down upon the odd couple.