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The most secrets Kei kept, he kept with Yamaguchi. There were many, really, and mostly small, like the existence of strawberry bushes in the woods, the exchange of notes during balls and feasts, Kei’s opinions on the ladies who courted him, or just on ladies. Kei’s reluctant fondness towards his brother, his own relief that Akiteru was the heir and not himself. Their shared, unspoken resistance to the rule that forbid calling the Prince by his name. Their smiles, quick and subtle, whenever Yamaguchi made use of the loophole by yelling Tsukki.
The greatest secret Kei and Yamaguchi kept was, probably, that the King’s ward could be as much of a bastard as the Prince was. Yamaguchi was simply better at being nice. Because his ‘lower’ station required it, because the lordings and little ladies that frequented the castle had not been so nice to him, because Yamaguchi was just better.
But there were also secrets Kei kept from Yamaguchi himself. Not many, yet they weighed heavy in his heart. Such as the disgusting, cruel words the young lords and ladies that frequented the castle called Yamaguchi, expecting Kei to agree. Yamaguchi did not need to know that.
Yamaguchi also did not need to know that sometimes, Kei thought of the day Yamaguchi would come of age and be returned to little known lands, to little known ‘family’, to fulfill his duties as a servant of the kingdom.
And Yamaguchi certainly did not need to know that at balls and feasts, Kei looked at him from afar, observed how he laughed and danced with rich merchants' daughters, and Kei wished to occupy their place by his side.
That was something he would not reveal.
- - -
If you asked Kei, this was a waste of time.
“A knighting is a most important business,” his father had said, far too often.
No it was not. Not when the person being knighted was bound to be knighted sooner or later, because of his birthright.
Had this been Yamaguchi’s knighting, he would have cared, because Yamaguchi actually deserved to fulfill that dream.
“Tadashi is not exactly a great fighter,” Akiteru had apologetically reminded him several times, “which is the one reason he’d be allowed to become a knight.”
Kei just scoffed at that. It was the truth, yes. But the serious determination in Yamaguchi’s eyes as he looked at knight-to-be kneeling, the ways Yamaguchi’s lips twitched as the oath began to be recited… Truly, Kei knew all too well how dangerous being a knight could be, and really, he did not want Yamaguchi’s life risked like that. But he was aware of how stubborn Yamaguchi could be, even if to Kei it made no sense. It was a disservice to Yamaguchi’s character, to write the other’s ambitions off simply because Kei was opposed. It was not his decision to make.
As much as he wished he could have a say in it.
“- and this I swear, that I will make myself worthy of this honor. That I will protect my Lord’s lands and bloodline. I will uphold the values-”
Yadda yadda, meaningless words, far too lofty to be taken seriously. Kei’s eyes wandered to Yamaguchi. Kei took in the straightened back, the burning gaze. It was a rare intensity, which grew more obvious with each knighting.
Kei took note of that.
- - -
After the customary feast and the mandatory congratulations, Kei left the dining hall. Yamaguchi had been missing, which was normal in this situation.
Kei knew where to find him, of course, but before heading to the training courtyard, he made his way to the kitchen. Many servants looked at him strangely, not used to seeing their Prince there. The only one who approached him was Hitoka, looking at her shoes and looking even smaller than she was.
“Ah,” she said, in a soft voice. “Your Highness?” That was the only thing she managed.
“Hello,” he replied, a bit awkwardly. The not-so-subtle gazes from the others were annoying, but he did not want to scare Hitoka. He knew she was close to Yamaguchi, though it stung a bit to think so. “Can you… I need food. Please.” He paused. “Not for me.” He looked away.
“Ah, for Tadashi?”
Kei made a face and Hitoka jumped a little. He nodded.
Her fear seemed to subside a little. “I will carry it.”
That took Kei aback, but he did not oppose it. He just stepped back to the doorway and waited, until Hitoka appeared with a tray filled with food. They walked in silence. Kei took note that she knew where they were headed.
He also took note of the voices, as they got closer. Kei tensed, thinking about how badly some people could treat Yamaguchi. But as mumbles became words, and the participants of the conversation grew clearer, he knew that he did not need to worry about it.
“I like your spirit, Tadashi, I really do!” The loudest voice. Master of Arms in Training, Nishinoya Yuu.
“You look tired, though!” followed, with inappropriate cheer, one of the most annoying squires in the realm, Shoyo.
And then, uncharacteristically being the voice of reason, Ser Tanaka Ryuunosuke: “You should rest for a bit, don’t you think?”
There was a brief silence. Kei assumed that during it, Yamaguchi shook his head, because after it, the sound of steel clashing against steel started. Or maybe Yamaguchi had talked. It was just that he did not speak as loudly as the other three.
Kei frowned slightly. Yamaguchi was using practice swords. He kept walking along with Hitoka.
“You good?” Shoyo asked, after there was a thud.
“Y-yeah,” Yamaguchi’s voice came out weak. He had probably fallen to the floor. “Let’s… let’s keep on.”
“Huh?! Really?” Yuu laughed after that.
Another thud. “Man, really, I don’t get it,” Ryuunosuke said. They were almost at the door, by then, but Kei stopped dead in his tracks when he heard, “why do you care so much for the Prince? He is… well, he is kind of a brat.”
Hitoka pursed her lips, clearly more nervous.
Kei’s face remained unchanged. He was aware he often poked fun at other people and that some might not like it. He did not really care. In fact, he was a bit amused by the agreeing hum that Yamaguchi followed with.
Nevertheless, Kei did not understand why they were talking about him.
“Ha! He also thinks that!” Yuu said.
“Which is why I don’t get it!” Ryuunosuke continued.
Hitoka moved towards the door, but Kei tapped her on the shoulder and signaled at her to wait, for some reason. He knew eavesdropping was bad, but he wanted to know how this topic had come to be.
Yamaguchi chuckled softly and said nothing.
“Come on, Tadashi!” Shoyo insisted. “He’s why you want to be a knight so badly, right?”
Kei blinked. What?
That did not make sense. What?
No, no, Yamaguchi wanted to be a knight because…
Well, he had never asked him. And now he fell stupid. He had never asked him .
But it could not be because of him. It was because it was… a way to be more respected, was it not?
“Well, yeah,” Yamaguchi confirmed, in that soft voice of his that he used when he was slightly embarrassed. The voice he used when he rubbed his own neck and laughed gently.
What, Kei thought.
But that bafflement did not last too much. Because then Shoyo spoke again, in that annoying chirpy tone of his. “Why?”
“Yeah, I don’t get it,” Ryuunosuke continued.
Kei did not get it either.
“What’s not to get! He wants to defend him!” Yuu provided.
Oh, well. That sort of made sense.
Yamaguchi hummed softly. Kei could almost see his cheeks flush as he muttered: “Well, yes.”
There was some silence following that. Kei took a deep breath. That had been unexpected, but he could live with that knowledge, he figured, as he stepped forward to completely open the door.
And then Shoyo, of course, raised his voice, clueless. That was the most annoying, that there was no malice in his question: “But would he do the same for you?”
Kei froze. What kind of stupid-?
“Probably not,” Yamaguchi answered, with a weaker chuckle.
Kei felt as if he had been smacked in the face. How.
Hitoka opened her mouth, looking at him, guilt on her face. But before she could say anything, Kei had started leaving.
- - -
It was not, really, that Kei was angry. Yes, he wanted to be angry at Yamaguchi. How could he think-? How?
It all went back to that: How.
But Kei knew perfectly well how. He was cold, he was mean, he was distant.
And Yamaguchi had no idea how important he was for Kei.
Which, thinking it through, was actually good. It was for the best. Yes, it was annoying, but Kei got used to many annoying things… He would eventually make his peace with this. He just needed time.
Except he did not get time.
A knock on the door, ten minutes or so after he arrived to his room, told him enough. Had it been any other person, he would have just ignored it.
“Tsukki?”
Another knock, followed by Yamaguchi’s pained, worried voice were enough to convince Kei to open.
“Come in,” he said, looking away.
Yamaguchi seemed to hesitate for a second but soon, he stepped in. Kei closed the door and walked away, his back to Yamaguchi.
There was silence.
Kei frowned.
More silence.
Kei rolled his eyes and turned slightly. “Yamaguchi, Hitoka told you I was there.”
Yamaguchi said nothing, still, and Kei groaned. He turned around, just in time to see Yamaguchi flinch. Kei felt a painful pang on his chest.
“Yamaguchi.” He said, softer.
Yamaguchi was looking down, but he was clearly biting his lower lip. His knuckles were white by how tightly he was squeezing them. He was shaking.
Kei instinctively took a step towards him and, to his relief, Yamaguchi did not step back. If he had done that, Kei might have just given up, as he often did, and told Yamaguchi to leave. Instead, he sighed, and let out a humorless chuckle.
“Yamaguchi,” he called his name, yet again, but it was kind now, worried.
“I’m sorry,” Yamaguchi whispered, so soft that if the words had not been second nature to him, Kei would not have understood them.
This time, Kei took a bit to answer. He initially wanted to reassure Yamaguchi that he was fine. And he was. He would be, at the very least. But…
“Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong.” That was the truth.
Yamaguchi’s looked up suddenly, a confused frown on his face. “B-but…” He never finished that sentence.
If Kei had not known him, he might have just reassured him of that again, and sent him on his way back to his own chambers. However, he knew Yamaguchi. Or he wanted to think he did. And if he did not, he wanted to know him.
“What do you think you did wrong?” Kei asked, finally.
Yamaguchi doubted, avoiding looking into Kei’s eyes. “I…” he paused. “I never told you.”
With a snort, Kei raised his eyebrows. “Very clear, Yamaguchi,” he tried teasing.
Yamaguchi huffed a bit, and ran a hand through his face. For a moment, Kei thought he had pulled the wrong move. Then Yamaguchi faced him. His voice was soft, clearly embarrassed, but his eyes had a strange shine to them. “I never told you I wanted to be a knight to protect you.”
Kei breathed in, slowly. “You didn’t.” He grimaced a little. “And why didn’t you?”
Yamaguchi breathed out. “I… I thought… you might not want me to.”
Blinking, the pieces slowly came together in Kei’s brain. “You think… that I’m angry at you.” Yamaguchi frowned, then nodded. “You think I’m angry at you because I don’t want you to protect me.”
“... Yes.” Yamaguchi was so clearly confused it was almost funny. “A-are you not? I mean, I know you have your pride. For someone… weak, like me, to want to protect you. It must be-”
“Demeaning?” Kei interrupted. Yamaguchi’s looked down, confirming it. Kei huffed a little. He had really screwed this up, had he not? He could not just say the truth: I don’t want you to protect me because I could not bear to see you hurt. But he wanted to. “It’s not.”
Yamaguchi peeked up, his shoulders relaxing the slightest bit. Kei wanted to put his hands on them. He did not only for fear he would not be able to let go if he gave in.
“It’s not?” Yamaguchi said, with a wondered tone.
It’s not. It means you’d be close to me.
Kei pursed his lips and bit his tongue. “Yamaguchi… I’m not annoyed about that.”
Yamaguchi blinked. “You… you are not? Then? What did I do?”
Almost funny. “I’m not annoyed at you.”
Then Yamaguchi’s lips parted in surprise and Kei had to look away for a moment.
“I’m angry at myself.”
“Wha- why would you…?” Yamaguchi’s eyes widened in sudden understanding, holding his hands out towards Kei ever so slightly. “Oh no, Tsukki, Tsukki, no.”
Kei ran a hand through his hair, uncomfortable by how the tables had been turned. The soft comforting tone in Yamaguchi’s voice. “It’s fine,” he said dryly, He felt his carefully built defences shake dangerously, but they held up.
“No it’s not, Tsukki. You heard… you heard that I didn’t think you would…”
Kei shook his head. “I said it’s fine.”
He stepped back.
He stepped back, but Yamaguchi did not reassure him of anything again, he did not go on his way back to his own chambers.
He lunged forward, instead, grabbing Kei by the sleeves of his shirt. “Tsukki!”
“What?!” He snapped, trying to shake him off.
“You are not a bad friend!”
Just like that, Kei stopped resisting. He could not talk, he could not move. He could just look at Yamaguchi and think about cupping his freckled cheeks with his hands, leaning forward, kissing him. Are you sure about that?
Yamaguchi obviously understood only his question, but not everything behind it. Gentle, yet sad, he let go of Kei’s clothes. “It’s just… you are very important to me.”
Kei frowned. He needed to stop this. He needed to stop this before there was no going back.
He needed to step back, he needed to run away.
He needed to leave.
No.
“And you think you are not important to me?”
His own voice sounded foreign. Angry. Upset.
Yamaguchi hesitated. “I know I am, but…”
“Not as important as I’m to you?”
And there it was. The faintest, softest, prettiest blush on Yamaguchi’s cheeks.
“That’s a lie, Yamaguchi.”
The most pained, most terrible expression on Yamaguchi’s face, as he turned back to stare at him. “Then why do you call me that?”
Oh.
Oh no.
There was still time to run.
“What?”
But his legs were frozen.
“Why don’t you call me by my name?”
Silence.
“You can do it.”
Kei rushed an excuse. “It’s just not fair for me to be able and-”
“Kei.”
And just like that, years. Years of meticulous lies and protection, and decisions. Gone. Just because Yamaguchi had said his name, reaching to touch his arm, again.
“Yamag-”
“I want you to do it.”
And Kei was looking at his own shoes, his blood rising to his face. His pulse in his ears.
It was over.
Kei shakily moved to place his hand over the other’s. “Fine. I will. Just… let me do something first?”
Yamaguchi looked at him, confused, but nodded slowly. “Of course.”
Kei moved Yamaguchi’s hand away from his arm. Instead, he held it between his own, running his thumbs over Yamaguchi’s fingers.
“Please don’t interrupt me now?” Kei added. Yamaguchi nodded again.
And Kei breathed.
“The truth is… I don’t think it is fine. I don’t think it is correct. For me to call you something you cannot call me, in public, at least. But-” he breathed in. “I want to. But as long as there is this whole…expectation, social pressure. I can’t. It’s unfair. It’s messed up, unbalanced.” He almost gave up, right there. But Yamaguchi held his hand. “I don’t want to be your Prince.”
Yamaguchi opened his mouth, but he stopped himself before saying anything else.
“I don’t want you to protect me and for me to just… watch you die if you do that.” He wanted to stop talking, but he could not. He had made up his mind. As painful as it was, as embarrassing, he needed to do it, for Yamaguchi. “And calling you by your family name, well. It’s a way- a way to even out the field.” He paused.
He took a deep breath and clung to Yamaguchi’s hand as if it was the only solid thing that had ever existed.
“I don’t deserve to call you by your name. But if you want me to… fine. But you need to remember. You need to remember this.” He made eye contact with Yamaguchi, breath hitched.
Time to stop beating around the bush.
Still holding Yamaguchi’s hand, Kei knelt.
“Here I am, I give myself to your mercy now, humbled and grateful-” he felt Yamaguchi try to pull his hand back. Kei clutched it, voice wavering. He knew he had recognized the words. “-and undeserving. Here I am, because you so want me to be. Then so be it. I will follow your will.” Yamaguchi’s hand was shaking. “I will follow you, if you so order it. I will do your bidding.” Kei paused for a moment, before pressing his lips to Yamaguchi’s hand. “And this I swear, that I will make myself worthy of this honor. That I will protect your lands and bloodline. I will uphold the values you wish me to uphold. From now until I die. For your Glory and for mine. Forever.”
Only after the vows were made, did he look up at Yamaguchi’s face. He expected him to laugh at how ridiculous it was, to say those vows that Yamaguchi so wanted to say.
But Yamaguchi was crying. And Kei felt as if he had done something wrong. He was crying.
“Yamag-”
“Kei,” Yamaguchi interrupted him. “Stand up.”
Kei did so, confused and ashamed and terrified.
Yamaguchi sighed, shakily. “What did you just do?”
“I… I recited the knight’s vows to-”
“Not that. Well, kind of that, but-” and then Yamaguchi huffed, looking down. When he looked up, he was smiling. “What did you just call me.”
Kei blinked, lost for a second. The smiles, the tears, the words. They did not make sense. “Sorry I-”
Then Yamaguchi rolled his eyes, and laughed. And the tears fell, as his shoulders shook.
That was when Kei knew that he had not screwed up.
“Kei,” Yamaguchi repeated, stepping a bit closer.
And that was when Kei understood.
Kei snorted a bit. “Oh.”
“Please?”
“Just… wait.”
“I already waited. I have been waiting.”
“I know. Just a bit more.”
“Fine.”
Kei nodded. “You can interrupt me this time.”
As a reply, he got a chuckle. “I won’t.”
And that was enough for Kei to lean forward and press their lips together.
Kei pulled back after a long moment.
Yes, it was another secret for them to keep. It was a problem. For now.
“Why did you move back so soon?”
They would figure it out.
Kei rolled his eyes. “Because you need to go and eat something, Tadashi.”
The flush in his lover’s cheeks, the smile on his face. His arms dragging him back into a kiss.
That was enough.