Work Text:
Wei WuXian doesn't recall much of what happened during the First Siege ; he doesn't even remember his husband confessing to him that night. But he finds himself thinking about it a lot , about what Lan XiChen told him. Lan WangJi was holding his hand , giving him spiritual energy , whispering to him , but Wei WuXian kept telling him the same thing over and over again.
"Get lost."
He thinks about how before , back when he was studying in Gusu , he would always try to get Lan WangJi's attention , telling him to look at him , to look at him!
The difference between those two lines makes his heart heavy. They were at the very opposite ends of the spectrum. One of them wanted all of Lan WangJi's attention , and one of them wanted to exclude him from his life completely.
But his "get lost"... Wei WuXian comes to recognize that his words didn't match what was in his heart. The two phrases sounded completely different , but deep down inside , they meant the same thing.
"Get lost" meant "look at me" .
"Get lost" meant "please don't be mad at me" .
"Get lost" meant "I had no other choice" .
"Get lost" meant "I need help" .
"Get lost" meant "stay with me" .
Wei WuXian hates this part of him. He doesn't understand why his past self pushed away the people who wanted to help him. He doesn't understand why he couldn't reach out for help.
And yet he understands clearly. He understands that he didn't want to burden others with his problems. He didn't want to be weak. He still wanted to help people.
But pushing everyone away to protect them from himself... Lan WangJi , Jiang Cheng , everyone... instead caused misunderstandings , communication errors. He didn't want to cause them trouble , and yet the way he shut everyone out caused bigger trouble than before.
"Lan Zhan , " Wei WuXian shakes his sleeping husband. He wants to know something , something that would soothe his mind. He wants to know if Lan WangJi knew.
The bigger man slowly opens his eyes , pulling Wei WuXian into a tighter hug upon seeing him awake.
"Sleep , " is all Lan WangJi can respond. The moon is shining brightly in the sky , and Wei WuXian should definitely be asleep by now , especially with Lan sect rules.
"Can I ask you something , Lan Zhan? I'll go to sleep after you answer."
"Mm."
"What were you thinking when I told you to get lost during the siege?" There's a slight quiver in his voice , anxious to know. Saying one thing while meaning something else is hurtful , and Wei WuXian knows he hurt Lan WangJi plenty that night. But he wants , needs to know if he understood...
"..." No answer.
"Of course you don't have to answer if you don't know , or even if don't remember , haha..."
"... I thought 'I'm not mad at you' , ' you've suffered enough' , 'let me help you' , 'I want to stay with you'... And 'Wei Ying , I love you' , " Lan WangJi states earnestly. His feelings are laid bare right in front of Wei WuXian , causing him to be a little flustered.
Wei WuXian lets out a little laugh. "Lan Zhan , Lan Zhan... you knew me a lot better than I thought you did , huh. I was just thinking about how my words didn't match my thoughts that night , but you were able to read me easily. Thank you Lan Zhan , for never giving up on me."
"Mm." Lan WangJi presses a kiss on top of Wei WuXian's head , too tired to reprimand his use of 'thank you'. "Sleep now."
"Good night , Lan Zhan."