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“What we gonna do?” Callum asked as he entered the car, the panic in his tone evident.
Ben let out a sigh he had been holding in. He had a feeling that Callum would be freaked out by the whole situation. About twenty minutes ago, he’d parked just outside the Chip Shop and messaged Callum to meet him there. Getting upset now wasn’t going to help matters. Everything that had gone on in the last twenty four hours had happened and neither of them could do anything to change that. They just had to remain calm and decide the best way to keep them both out of trouble. The set of events couldn’t have been predicted. If they had, the day before would have gone very differently.
Yesterday, Ben had received a shock that sent him hurtling round to the Arches. He’d already had to face the embarrassment of his dad hiring Shirley to take over some of his role. That was bad enough. The fury he felt when he’d found out flowed rapidly though his body. They’d been mocking him, knowing what it would make him feel. That ridiculous boxing trophy his dad had given him was to shut him up, to try and placate him into submission. It was the same thing those thugs at the club thought they could do. They thought they could laugh, ignore and criticise and he would just sit back without saying anything. How could he not challenge them?
Flinging open the door to the Arches, he saw his dad sitting by the desk and Keanu under the hood of a car. He really didn’t want an audience for this, but he knew that Phil would never send away his precious future son-in-law. He really had nothing against the younger man personally, but he seemed content to sit back and get his life handed to him, all because he got Lou knocked up. Now, Phil treated him like the heir apparent, content to drop Ben by the waste side, now he had a replacement that fitted his image more.
That was the crux of it in the end, there was nothing that Ben could do to become the son his dad wanted him to be. He’d tailed him around like a little puppy for so long now, begging for scraps of affection. He’d followed him into the business, both the legitimate and the less so, with enthusiasm and obedience. He’d given him his first grandchild, he’d hung on his every word and abided by his every whim. Still it wasn’t good enough, because it didn’t change the fact that Ben was gay.
Ultimately, that’s what it came down to. He couldn’t replicate the image of happy husband, doting wife and 2.4 children. His Dad couldn’t introduce him to his Neanderthal friends in case they found out Phil Mitchell’s offspring liked to sleep with men. In a family as dysfunctional as his, he was still the black sheep and always would be. He’d been replaced now for good. First by Keanu, and also by whatever Sharon would spawn in a couple of months.
Finding out that he’d been removed from the will was the final straw. Being ostracised and belittled in public while his dad was living was bad enough. Now though, it seemed Phil would take his shame to the grave as well. Not even managing to accept Ben in his death; still worried his cronies would shake their heads at the family name and ‘fortune’ being taken over by someone who liked to suck cock.
“Is there something you want to tell me,” he asked Phil, who barely looked up from his desk.
“Yeah, as it happens,” his dad replied. “You need to sit down with Shirley and go through the books for this place.”
“This is my business!” Ben shouted back, getting distracted for the reason he was here in the first place. “I’m not going to plough through my own accounts with someone who’s main CV point is cleaning up vomit from the bogs in the Vic!”
“She’s helping out to make sure all the businesses are strong,” Phil explained, ignoring Ben’s temperament. “We’re growing as a family. We’ve got to be proper men, ain’t we? Make sure everyone is provided for.”
“Make sure everyone’s looked after when we’re gone, right?” Ben asked, scorn leaking out of his voice.
Phil sighed heavily, clearly realising what Ben had found out. “Look, I was meaning to tell you about the will, but you were in a state about Paul-“
“Don’t you dare blame him for this!” he yelled, his fists balling up until he could feel the sting in his palms. He moved closer to his father, willing him to react.
“I’ll go get some lunch or something,” Keanu muttered, closing the bonnet and giving his hands a wipe.
“Have it on me,” Ben spat in his direction, chucking a ten pound note his way “That’s where all my money’s going anyway. Try not to choke on your ham sandwich, you wouldn’t want to lose that inheritance before it’s touched your greasy hands.”
“it ain’t your money!” Phil gravelly exclaimed, as Keanu silently left the garage. “It’s mine. You’ve got the Arches, but Keanu needs to look after his family as well.”
“What about my family?” Ben replied, not caring for his dad’s answer.
“Lexi’s been taken care of, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve set her up a trust; she’ll be set up for what she needs when she’s older,” Phil replied, patting his hands down on the desk as if that was the end of the conversation.
“So why not do that for Lou’s baby as well? Why are you giving the money to Keanu?” Ben asked, confused that Phil didn’t see the difference.
“They’re gonna be a family once they’re married, aren’t they? Keanu’s got to be able to support them and any other little ones that come along,” Phil replied irritably.
Ben shook is head with a humourless laugh. “I get it. I mean I thought it, so it’s not a shock to hear. I can’t have the doting wife that pushes out a couple of sprogs, so I can’t have a proper family, is that it?”
“Well, it’s not just that, is it?” Phil said, not denying the comment. “You’re out till all hours with god knows who. Keanu’s working hard and saving for his family. He’s not just sleeping about and boozing, is he?”
Ben had heard enough. The conversation had just confirmed his worst fears. Everything he told himself about what his dad thought of him was true. Recently, he had started to think that his motivation for coming back to the square was wrong. That when he was away Phil’s apathy towards him was partly imagined. They’d seemed to be getting on during the last few weeks, but that was apparently all an act to keep him onside and keep him quiet.
Keanu came back then, two paper bags in hand. He dropped one on the table for Phil. That was just the icing on the cake, Ben thought. “Right, well as you said, this is my business,” he blurted out viciously. “I want you gone in an hour or I’ll make sure your little minion here gets his inheritance earlier than planned.”
Ben stormed out the garage, slamming the door behind him. He quickly marched for a few paces, before stopping and putting his arms out against a wall. With his head down, he took a few deep breaths, but it didn’t seem to help. It wanted to smash something, hit it until it collapsed, and his hands bled. This anger coursing in him felt red hot and he needed to let it out.
Something was jiggling in his pocket and he realised he had the keys from a test drive he gave earlier. He had to get out the square; this place was strangling him and all he felt like doing was defending himself or letting himself be brought down by the flames.
The fury took over his body and caused his purposeful steps towards the car lot. He could see the vehicle in question. There was noise all around him, voices and sounds, but he couldn’t make them out, they just blurred indistinctively into his head. Suddenly, he felt a touch on his back which seemed to pull all of his focus back. He spun around to see the source of the sensation.
“I said, are you ok?”
Callum was standing just behind him, his hand outstretched a little. He must have done that to get his attention. It had brought him back into the world. It wasn’t a place he felt like being though, so he turned around again and started walking. “I’m fine,” he called back angrily. It was the second time in so many weeks that he’d stopped him and asked him how he was.
This time though, Callum carried on following him. “You don’t look fine,” he replied. “You didn’t look fine the other day either.”
Ben had reached the car now and fished in his pocket for the keys. “Don’t you have a wedding to plan? Why don’t you go off and practise your vows? You wouldn’t want them to get stuck in your throat on the big day.”
“I’m not leaving you like this,” Callum answered forcefully but in a quiet voice, and Ben took a minute to look into his eyes then. They almost had the ability to calm him, but then he remembered the reason that he and Callum weren’t speaking in the first place and the anger built.
“Look either get in the car, or go back to your perfect little life,” he hissed. To his surprise, Callum opened the passenger door and got in. That wasn’t the move Ben expected him to take.
Before he could think about it any longer, Ben got behind the wheel and started up the engine. He pulled quickly out into the square, eager to pick up some speed, as if the velocity itself could help him escape from this feeling.
“You should slow down a bit,” Callum commented. He was dressed in his work suit and must have been on his lunch break.
“If you don’t like it Callum, you’re more than welcome to jump out,” he replied with annoyance.
“I wont have to once we both go flying through the windscreen,” he muttered, not backing down. Ben felt himself relent a little and the anger dissipate. Callum seemed to have that effect on him, he just couldn’t work out why.
“Well at least you’ll end up back at work,” Ben said, looking over with a small smile. He’d automatically slowed down a little now. They’d hit open road and the feeling of gliding was helping to soothe his body. They were silent for time, the sound of Callum’s gentle breathing helping put his own back into a calm rhythm.
“What’s wrong?” Callum asked eventually. He looked over and Ben knew with just a glance that he wouldn’t and couldn’t fob him off this time.
“The usual,” he started. “Daddy dearest thinks I’m a huge disappointment, so no real change.”
“Did he say that?” Callum asked outraged.
“Not in words, but he’s cut me out of the will and replaced me with Louise’s pet grease monkey, so than was my first clue,” Ben replied through clenched teeth.
“Shit,” Callum replied. “You don’t deserve him.”
“Well, you can’t choose your dad, can you?” Ben replied giving him a comforting smile. “Hey, maybe we should put your dad and mine in a room and hope their ignoramus comments implode in both their faces.”
“I barely see my dad,” Callum said, shaking his head. “You’ve been around for yours. He should be proud of you.”
Ben’s heart clattered in his chest then. After everything, he didn’t know what Callum saw in him, especially as he was so hard on himself. With his left hand, he reached over and gripped Callum’s fingers, still trying to keep enough concentration on the road. “I’m glad you got out of there and away from him. I can’t bear the thought of you around him.”
“I’m sorry,” Callum said suddenly, holding on to Ben’s hand like he was never going to let go. “About Stuart and what he did.”
Ben gave a last squeeze of his fingers and then returned his hand to the wheel. “You don’t have to apologise for your family, Callum,” he replied tenderly. He had been unjustifiably angry at the other man, blaming him for his brother’s actions. A part of Ben knew that it was just a way of protecting himself.
He’d become too close to Callum over those few weeks. The guard he held high, kept getting lowered and he’d find himself making confessions that usually only flittered around his own head. It was one thing hooking up in a park, but another to keep following around someone who was in the closet. Especially as his family seemed to keep taking their frustration out on his face.
“I know but if it weren’t for me…” he started, trailing off. Callum turned to look at him sharply. “What about this? It wasn’t him was it?”
Ben realised he was referring to the current marks on his face. “No, I’m just popular with everyone,” he replied, trying to lighten the mood. He didn’t want to go into what his emotions were that day. Not now. Not yet. “Can’t let the Highways be the only ones to knock me about. That’s just rude when there’s so many other people who want the chance.”
“I told him,” Callum confessed quietly. “About us. About that night.”
Ben had guessed as much. Stuart wasn’t on his Christmas card list the best of times, but that day at Pride, something had clearly set him off. “Not everyone will have that reaction, you know?” Ben replied. “What we did wasn’t something that anyone can punch away, Callum. It happened for a reason.”
“I’m getting married,” he answered, as if that response solved everything.
“Yes, I gathered that,” Ben stated with a roll of his eyes. “I can’t walk ten foot into the market without hearing Whit discussing the colour of buttonhole flowers. Spoiler alert; I hope you like pink.”
“I meant that’s why Stuart did what he did,” Callum explained. “He thinks I want to get married and he’s got to protect anything that’s gonna try and prevent that.”
“He thinks you want to get married?” Ben repeated. “I’m not his biggest fan, but I think proposing to someone probably swayed him in that direction. Do you want to get married?”
“I don’t know,” Callum answered honestly. Ben looked towards him curiously. It was the first time since that night in the park that he’d shown that much doubt. Ben didn’t want to push him, he knew that would just cause Callum to retreat back.
Feeling restless in the car, he saw a sign for a country pub up ahead. He pulled into the large carpark, the gravel clicking along his tires.
Callum looked at him in confusion. “What we doin?”
“We need a drink,” Ben replied, as he hoped out the car and headed towards the door.
The Black Horse Inn clearly wasn’t a pub that had been recently updated. It had an old-fashioned, rustic feel which was clearly not deliberate. The bar was small, but the seating was plentiful, weaving round the corner to a staircase that led to the rooms for rent. Apart from a few solemn locals, the place was empty.
“Don't say I never take you to the best places,” Ben whispered towards Callum. He approached the bar where an emotionless barman was drying some glasses. “Afternoon. Two pints of larger when you’re ready.”
The barman continued to polish the glasses, raising only his eyeballs to glare at Ben, then at Callum. “That it?” he eventually replied gruffly.
“Well, we’ll take a couple of packets of salt and vinegar, and a smile as well then if you’re offering,” Ben replied, before Callum elbowed him.
The barman didn’t seem offended by the remark, he just got to work pulling the pints. “London?” he asked and Ben wondered if he was capable of stringing together a sentence.
“Yeah, Walford. Do you know it?” Callum replied. It was typical of him, Ben thought. Trying to carry on a conversation with someone who looked like he was three seconds away from bottling them.
“Never heard of it,” the barman replied, as he slammed the two glasses on the surface. Ben paid for their drinks and crisps and nodded his head towards a table to sit down.
“You don’t suppose Shirley’s got a long lost brother, do you?” Ben said nudging Callum and taking a long sip of his drink.
“I thought that scowl looked familiar,” Callum replied, smiling into his drink. When his phone buzzed, he checked it and then put it back in his pocket.
“The wife calling you home for dinner,” Ben asked pettily, his gaze facing forward.
“Nah, she’s out shopping with Tiff today,” Callum explained. “I told Jay I wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be back this afternoon.”
“Aren’t you exhausted, Callum?” Ben asked, putting his drink down suddenly. He couldn’t keep the pretence up any longer. He shuffled closer to the other man. “Aren’t you just so tired from making up lie after lie?”
Callum put his drink down as well, then rubbed his hands over his face. “I didn’t come here to talk about me. This is about you.”
“Same thing,” Ben snapped back, wanting to get this conversation started. “You see my pain, I see yours, and around and around and around we go.”
“I just wanted to check you were ok,” Callum said shrugging and sitting back against the seat.
Ben laughed at that. “Why though?” he questioned loudly. “Why jump in a car with me and drive fifty miles when you’re meant to be working? Would you do that it you saw Martin looking a bit down in the dumps?”
“I didn’t know you’d drive to the middle of nowhere, did I?” Callum replied, moving his head closer so he could lower his voice. “You told me to get in!”
“No,” Ben said, closing even more of the gap between them. “I told you to clear off or get in. You made your choice, perhaps not consciously, but something in you knew what you wanted to do.”
“I’m not going to leave you like that, am I?” he hissed, and Ben could see the fire flare in his eyes. That’s what he wanted to see, that’s what he was pushing for. Callum was so beautiful when he was being honest, when all the façade dropped for a second. Ben knew he was the only one to see it and that built the heat inside him. “Even if you don’t think I’m worth the hassle, I think you are.”
Ben searched Callum’s face with his eyes. He was breathing heavily, and they were so close together he could feel the warmness on his face. Pink tinged Callum’s cheeks and eyelashes fluttered lightly over bright, fierce eyes. Looking back, he could pinpoint the exact moment he knew Callum was going to kiss him, so when the other man brought his lips swiftly to his, he couldn’t say he was surprised.
Ben brought his hand round the back of Callum’s head, partly to get him even closer and partly to keep the kiss going. He felt a hand at his waist, gripping on to his shirt and he leant into it. Callum’s lips were soft but unrelenting, forcing Ben’s to open so their tongues could dance. He lifted his other hand to Callum’s face, delighting in the feel of the gentle stubble there and stroking gently to encourage him to carry on.
A loud cough startled Ben a little, but seemed to wrench Callum completely out of the moment. He pulled back quickly, pressing his back against the seat. The landlord was standing over them, pointing towards their glasses. “Another?” he asked, his face expressionless.
Callum looked like he’d just been asked to run around the pub naked. “Please, mate,” Ben responded with a smile, casually draping his arm over the back of the seat. He couldn’t help but grin at Callum. His lips were gorgeously reddened and his hair just a little out of place. He was currently looking around the bar, his head turning to and fro, like a little meercat. “Callum, no one cares. We’re hours from home. Robbie Jackson ain’t just suddenly going to pop his head around the door.”
Ben moved his hand from the back of the booth to Callum’s hair, stroking the rebellious pieces down with soft fingers. He was a little surprised when Callum didn’t shake him off, but instead slightly leaned into Bens touch. “There,” Ben said gently. “All better.”
The barman brought them two pints over to the table, putting them down with another thump. “Darts,” he said cryptically. Ben looked towards Callum, hoping he’d think of a way to answer. He looked tense at the man’s appearance, but unable to lean away from where Ben’s fingers were softly stroking his neck.
“Would we like to play darts?” Ben asked, trying to clue together the meaning. Clearly years of knowing Shirley had paid off as the man nodded briskly in conformation. “Sure, why not? I hope you’ve got a good set of arrows though. Callum can’t throw straight.”
Ben didn’t have to look around then to know Callum was glaring in his direction. The barman had wandered off to presumably find the darts for them. “Do you wanna play with me?” he said, grinning from ear to ear as he finally turned his head. To his surprise there was a slight smile to Callum’s lips, though Ben could tell he was trying to hide it.
“Shouldn’t we be getting back?” he asked, glancing at his watch.
Ben knew he was probably right. It was getting late and he shouldn’t really drink much more if he wanted to drive. However, thinking back to how he felt on the Square this morning, he wasn’t in any rush to return to that. “Half hour,” he promised. “We’ll have one quick game and then head on back.”
Three hours later, the pub was still as quiet as when they had arrived. A few different locals had propped up the bar at different times, but they hadn’t really noticed them come or go.
“I’m not taking anything else off!” Callum exclaimed with a laugh.
“Well we can’t play Strip Darts if you’re not going to strip,” Ben exclaimed, hooking his finger in Callum’s belt loop to pull him in closer. “You lost another game, you have to take an item off. Them’s the rules!”
Callum’s jacket and tie were scattered on the nearest table amongst empty glasses and crisp packets. They were becoming noisier with every passing drink they had, but no one else in the bar seemed to mind.
“I’m not undressing in front of a bar full of people,” Callum explained, as he brought his hand up to stroke Ben’s face. He knew the beer had made him a little more confident and bold, but Ben understood that the feelings were genuine.
“It’s hardly chocker, is it? We make up half the people here,” Ben joked, moving closer to put his arms around Callums’s waist, pulling him towards him. He leant his head against his shoulder, his eyelids heavy, enjoying the slight sway of their bodies. “So where are you prepared to undress then.”
Ben felt his head being lifted and he opened his eyes as Callum pressed their foreheads together. He didn’t need an answer; he saw it all in Callum’s eyes. “I’ll go talk to the landlord,” Ben whispered, pressing their lips gently together.
When he returned to the table, he found Callum sitting down nervously munching on some crisps. Ben swung his leg around a bar stool and sat down. “Unsurprisingly, they had a room free. I think it’s probably the first one he’s rented out in about five years. There’s dust on the key,” he remarked, brushing it on his trouser leg.
“He was alright then?” Callum asked, nodding towards the bar.
“Good as gold,” Ben replied. “It turns out that Shirley 2.0 has got a son that you remind him of.”
Strangely, the landlord had been remarkably friendly when Ben asked him from a room. He apologised for the lack of food available, but his son usually cooked for the pub. He was currently on honeymoon with his new husband. Ben felt a pang of jealousy at how easily the man had talked about his child, and with so much love. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t have that.
“So, he didn’t mind then,” Callum asked and Ben understood what he was getting at.
“No, Callum,” he replied with a little bit of a sigh. “He didn’t care about two men sharing a bed for the night. He’s not part of your family or mine.”
Ben’s heart dropped when Callum started to look down, picking at the plastic of the crisp packet. He got up, picked up the abandoned jacket and tie. He went around the table and quickly brushed Callum on the cheek. “C’mon, lets go,” he said, holding out his hand.
Callum grabbed it eagerly which made Ben feel happier again. He strolled through the bar, rubbing their fingers gently together, feeling proud. The day was certainly ending better than it started. He felt invincible, like nothing could possibly go wrong.
As he looked over at Callum in the passenger seat, with his head in his hands, the previous evening had seemed a million miles away. He was so eager to make Callum relax and enjoy himself; the sensation of lying naked against him, every single nerve ending touching with soft caresses one minute and bruising grips the next ingrained into his mind.
It wasn’t until Ben woke up the next morning, Callum snuffling soundly with his arm wrapped around his chest, that he realised the significance of the evening. This wasn’t just a quick fumble in a dark park. They’d spent hours exploring each other’s bodies, finally falling asleep wrapped up in each other, not wanting or willing to let go.
“It’ll be alright,” Ben offered, calmly. The morning had started so beautifully. Callum hadn’t been as skittish as he’d feared. They’d had breakfast together and driven back, Callum leaning over to rest his hand on Ben’s thigh every now and then. He’d dropped Callum off a few minutes away from the square, pleased when he got a kiss on the cheek. Ben didn’t mention meeting up again or probe into what the night before meant. He knew it would only spook the other man. Ben knew he’d come back to him when he was ready.
When he’d driven on the Square, it was like someone had burst his perfect bubble. He soon found out that Phil had been attacked at the Arches. He was fighting for his life in hospital, Sharon dutifully by his side. Ben’s feelings were mixed to say the least. To be honest, he wasn’t in pieces over his Dad’s injuries, part of him thinking he deserved it for how he was treating him. Deep down though, there was a wallowing in his gut. Phil was still his dad and he didn’t want to lose him.
It was no surprise to find a copper at his house, holding a cup of tea his mum had made. There were no accusations or arrests. He knew that would come later. He was simply given a card and asked to come down the station before the end of the day to help with enquiries. Ben was all too aware what that meant. He was suspect number one in their investigation and if he didn’t provide them with an air-tight alibi then he’d have handcuffs on before tea time.
He knew he had to contact Callum before he heard. Unfortunately, the rumours had already spread and the other man was beside himself now sitting in the car.
“How’s it going to be alright?” Callum questioned gloomily. “Either you don’t say anything and get nicked or you tell them where you were and everything comes out.”
He wasn’t wrong and it was a dilemma that Ben had been wrestling with in his head. Everyone knew how upset he was with his dad, for replacing him in the business and the will. Apparently, Keanu couldn’t keep his gob shut for more than thirty seconds, as he’d told the police about his and Phil’s argument yesterday, including the threat Ben made. There were no witnesses to the attack or anyone seen fleeing the scene. Unless Ben gave an alibi, he was the obvious choice.
“It’s fine, Callum. You know me, I’ve always got a plan,” he said with a small smile. He couldn’t help but look softly at the other man. He was so full of worry anyway, it wasn’t his fault that Phil had pissed someone off enough to get a crack on the skull. “I promised you I wouldn’t out you; I’m not about to let a court reporter read it from a transcript.”
“I’ll do it, I’ll tell them we were together. They don’t have to know why,” Callum said, gazing back with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Ben shook his head. “They won’t stop at that. They’ll want to know where we went and why,” Ben responded. It was a sweet thought, but he knew the police wouldn’t take it at face value. “They’ll go talk to Shirley’s doppelganger and he’ll tell them about a couple of nice London boys who spent the evening kissing in his pub. That might be the end of it, but someone will find out when they ask the police what my alibi was.”
“I’m sorry,” Callum said, tears forming at his eyes.
Ben leaned over and took his hand, thinking about yesterday and how just being in Callum’s presence made everything else in his life fade away. He would deal with the police. He would think of something, he always did. He stroked his thumb along Callum’s palm, tracing the love line there. “I’m not.”