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The lights were dimmed, one could barely make something out. Carefully, he took a few steps with his hands brushing the furniture in order to navigate through the room. Guided by the surfaces of the bedstead to his left and the painfully cool wall to his right, he found his way into the small corridor. In fact, the corridor was lit far more so he had no trouble examining his route into the living room from which the light seemed to originate.
He was merely surprised, yet feeling a hint of worry and uncertainty grow in his chest, when he saw a silhouette kneeling on the flower in front of the small couch-table, his back facing the door to the corridor. It surely wasn’t the first time but it had been quite a while since the last time they had spent their night rather talking than sleeping.
Leaning onto the doorframe, he enjoyed the sight once more before taking a deep, steadying breath. It was time to talk.
“Trip…?” The silhouette shifted a little, then turned to face him. Trip’s face was only poorly lit, but his posture revealed the surprise and – was there a hint of shame?
“Mal…Hey, I didn’t think you were still awake…”
“To be honest, I wasn’t. And I didn’t think you were still awake either. Until I woke up without you by my side…” Malcolm strode towards Trip, examining him cautiously. He was playing with fire when the man he loved so dearly started to hide his thoughts. It was risky to bring it up and talk it through, some of those situations had, in fact, nearly ended in a fistfight.
“Now, do you mind telling me what you’re doing that keeps you away from me?”
“I was just reading through those statistics for work…Nothing important, really.” Trip had turned to face the pile of datapads, which, to be sincere, he hadn’t touched since the morning before. Everything still looked exactly the same, no doubt that he had not been reading through the statistics. However, Malcolm just nodded briefly in response, taking in every movement his lover made, every sign of what all of this was about.
“Trip…You do know you can talk to me, right?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I? What kind of stupid-!” The Southerner was interrupted by a rather sudden, extremely sensual kiss. Caught by surprise, he had trouble reacting to it immediately but not a split second later, he deepened the kiss, tongues battling for love. Trip could feel the gentle touch of Malcolm’s hand on his neck, fingertips brushing over soft skin. Even when they stopped, it took another moment or two until they pulled away completely.
“Then why won’t you talk to me, hm…?” The Brit sat down right next to him, entwining his fingers with Trip’s, pulling him a little closer. By the look his partner gave him, he wasn’t too surprised by the silence that built up, growing and growing. But he was patient, he could wait all night if it had to be that way. Something about Trip’s stubbornness had, in fact, always turned him on to a certain extent, it had been one of those several reasons why he had fallen for that bloody Southerner. Malcolm couldn’t help but smile at the sheer thought of it.
“I’m scared, Mal…”
“Of what, love…?” Malcolm watched his lover carefully, relieved he actually started talking, even though his voice wasn’t much more than a broken whisper in the nightly room. While his right hand was still squeezing Trip’s, he placed his left hand on the broad back of his partner, gently brushing his fingertips over his lover’s shoulder blades, down his spine and back up. Trip leant into the touch, closing his eyes briefly.
“I’m scared to lose you, darling…I am terrified of it, to be quite honest with you.”
“But, Trip, why would you lose me? I’m not going anywhere and I surely am not going to end us…” A feeling of uncertainty and discomfort spread in Malcolm’s body, his limbs feeling heavier than usual. Malcolm pulled Trip a little closer, placing a soft kiss on the Southerner’s cheek, leaving a weak smile from his partner. He wanted to comfort him so bad, he urged to make Trip believe him. If only I knew how…
“I know you won’t go, Mal, that’s not the point! This isn’t about leaving this house or breaking up with me…” Trip stiffened, his eyes fixed on the opposite wall. Malcolm could feel the tense muscles, yet he didn’t dare to try and make Trip relax. That would have been blunt stupidity and not worth the try. Instead, the Brit let go of his lover and leant back onto the couch right behind him. He was going to wait for whatever had to be there.
“The point is, I am actually scared to loseyou.”
“What makes you think you would?” The Brit attempted to keep his voice as calm and indifferent as possible as he knew exactly that Trip would need a rational take on the issue.
“Well, Mal, let’s be honest – when we started actually dating, we both knew it was going to be tough. That’s why Jon tried to write down a few rules about relationships in the Federation, because he knew exactly we had a tough journey until we got here.”
“Is this about Jon or about us?”
“Why, of course it’s about us!” Malcolm recognized the fear in Trip’s eyes that was only briefly suppressed by the outburst of anger. Trip settled down within seconds, taking a few deep breaths to clear his mind, structure his thoughts. He was a mess and Malcolm knew that very well.
“I’m sorry…Look. We may have known it’d be tough but I don’t think we actually understoodwhat that’d mean. We were lucky till now, let’s face it…” The Southerner closed his eyes once more before looking right into those stormy grey eyes he had fallen in love with. Every single time he got lost, this was his safe harbor, home. Not much more than this man right in front of him. That one man he had always trusted with his life.
“Maybe we were, yes, but who said we won’t be as well in the future?”
“No, Mal…Please. Let me finish.” Trip examined his lover carefully, he noticed the worried glance, the stiffness in his shoulders, the tightening of his abs; yet, Malcolm nodded briefly. Trip let out a sigh, pulling his lover up and closer to him, wrapping his arms around Malcolm’s hips, gently kissing his neck. The Brit couldn’t help but let out a soft moan before he listened attentively.
“We were so crazy for each other, I didn’t see how dangerous it was…Not until that virus…And after the whole recovery, I realized it was going to be a challenge, especially since you told me about April 36 and everything seemed so dark out of a sudden…”
Trip took a moment to hold his lover and squeeze his hands. Quiet comfort whenever he needed it. Malcolm just leant into him, not letting go for once. However, he wouldn’t try to interrupt Trip either, there was something his partner needed to let out and if this was going to take all night, he’d be alright with it.
“I was trying so hard to hold onto something, to give us something, that wouldn’t fall apart, that’d keep us together…”
“That something being Charlie, hm?”
“Yeah…But, in reality, he made it a lot harder because I was starting to get scared to lose both of you and – don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret anything concerning Charlie – I just never knew how to protect the two of you…” Trip swallowed hard and, to his surprise, Malcolm noticed a tear slowly dripping down his lover’s cheek. He squeezed his hands again and started gently kissing Trip’s earlobe. A few breaths later he felt Trip’s hand wander up and down his chest and stomach and Malcolm leant even more into the touch.
“Especially with the war. Everyone was screwed up, yes, even I wasn’t okay, but…the things war had done to you, Mal…I was terrified and worried sick all the time, even more when Em said you were losing weight and lacking sleep and wouldn’t last much longer like that…”
“You know I wasn’t intentionally doing it…”
“I know! I know, I mean when you seemed to get better, it all felt so good again. I felt like I finally could take care of you properly…Then we had shore leave and out of a sudden, there was this…” Trip had his eyes fixed on Malcolm’s wrist, his fingers clasping it, his thumb carefully brushing over that one thick line, slightly darker than the rest of his lover’s skin. He had to look away for a moment, overwhelmed by all those painful memories and the sudden heartache that kept coming back whenever he thought about it.
“I’m sorry, Trip…You know I never meant to-”
“Shhh…Don’t apologize, please, just…For that one moment, it was intentional and I just- I knew from that moment on I wouldn’t ever be able to protect you from anything because I could never protect you from yourself, Mal, and I- I’m just terrified of losing you because you mean the world to me, I want to keep you forever…I wanna love you forever…I’m just so scared…” Malcolm felt a shudder run through every limb of his lover as Trip started wincing and sobbing rather quietly, yet full of agony. His hands were resting on Malcolm’s stomach, warm, yet stiff. However, Trip had wrapped his arms stronger around his lover’s waist, scared that, when he let go, Malcolm wouldn’t be there anymore. The heartache he had felt a minute ago now was growing stronger and stronger, his chest tightened as well; it was so painful he urged to scream. But he didn’t. Instead, Trip just kept crying into his partner’s broad shoulder.
Moments passed, minutes, maybe half an hour until Malcolm could hear nothing more than a little hiccup once in a while and, after he made sure Trip was going to stay mostly quiet for a while, he turned to face him, cupping his hands around Trip’s face.
“Trip, love…I know it has been terrifying throughout the past years. But you know what? I don’t regret a single one of them. Because without all those terrible things that happened we wouldn’t be who we are now. We wouldn’t have come this far. In fact, who knows, maybe we wouldn’t even have met…” Trip winced again at that, but tried to pull a painful half-smile for his partner who carefully tried to wipe away the stream of tears. Indeed, Malcolm hadn’t seen his lover cry that hard in quite a while. Especially since Trip always hid away whenever he felt sadness and worry grow in his chest.
“Think of all the good things that happened. Thanks to that recovery we both got to make more friends. And, on a side-note, thanks to April 36, I applied to Starfleet. Thanks to the aftermaths of our conflicts and the end of war, Charlie grew up in a mostly safe place…Thanks to my little breakdown, we moved here. And now look at us! We’re seen as heroes and experts in Starfleet, we have great friends who are going to visit us soon, we have a family and a safe home. Trip. And most importantly: We have each other.”
Another stream of tears followed at that and Malcolm couldn’t suppress a muffled laugh at the nearly childlike attempt of his lover wiping the tears away, all red in his face, trembling a little. Of course, Malcolm was worried to see his partner break down like that but sometimes he’d just need to let go for a moment. He pulled Trip into a long, comforting hug, rubbing his back gently, only letting go when Trip did. They didn’t talk, not once that night, all that was there was quiet comfort, physical affection, gentle touches. A sweet, sensual night of comfort and love, as it was always when things seemed oh, so dark, but actually weren’t. As it would always be. Forever And Ever.